Roleplay City
Infusco => INFUSCO: Enter The Shadows => † OUT OF THE CITY † => Topic started by: Trillian on November 20, 2020, 09:11:35 PM
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Ben's eyelids flickered open before he yawned and turned around in Kerr's arms to nuzzle into his chest.
The bedroom they were in smelt new and old all at once. Familiar and strange, all at once. He recognised the bedroom because they'd slept in it before but it had become nothing but a first-person-home-movie without any emotions attached. And there were so many emotions felt from being here.
He could feel the history of this place. He pulled in a breath so it would enter his body before he slowly let it out in a contented sigh. They'd only been here two nights so far but he was comfortable here in a way he never would have guessed. It brought an easy smile to his face and that was what he greeted Kerr with when his lover/sire/everything deigned to open his eyes and look upon him.
He wanted to say how much he loved Kerr in that particular moment. How much he appreciated him. How much of a fresh spark had returned to rekindle their fiery passion. How grateful he was for being out of a city that had slowly been poisoning him. How right his sire had been to insist they leave. How wrong he'd been to resist. Instead of putting all that into words he sent it as a wave of emotion. It felt... big.
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Kerr was drawn out of his reverie by Ben awakening. The shutters had slid silently away and allowed him an unexpected view of the moon, low and rising, framed just off-centre in the large window of the bedroom that had once housed his parents. Probably the room he'd been conceived in over four hundred years ago. It was an oddly humbling thought.
The ascending moon was a lot like his mood ever since they'd left the city. Coming here had been the right choice; not that he'd doubted it especially but he'd made the decision to come to Ireland for himself rather than for Ben. He'd craved the particular comfort only reconnecting with your roots can bring in a time of high stress.
Everything after the fucking election had been stress. Ben had been spiralling in a way he'd begun to feel helpless to deter, even if the destruction of Ichabod's apartment had been somehow cathartic. It had only left Kerr mildly reassured and infinitely more confused. When Ben agreed they should leave, he'd hastened to get them out, get them away, as fast and as far as possible, his only thought of the sanctuary his home offered him.
Amazingly, it had affected Ben just as positively and left him stupefied in the best way when the isolation and peace opened his lover up to him more rapidly than he'd expected. They were tentative but definitely connecting and it excited him. Every new night brought with it an innocent wonder because Ben was discovering this place and he was re-discovering Ben.
When his beautiful boy opened his eyes, Kerr turned from the moon to gaze at him, resplendent in the satellite's light. He blinked owlishly at Kerr with such trust and love that his defenses were already lowered when he was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion that made him inhale sharply, his chest swelling as emotions filled the cavity to the brim. The corners of his mouth lifted.
"Well. Good evening to you, too, sweetheart," he murmured, squeezing Ben a little tighter and pressing a kiss to his lips. Lazy starts to the night were the best.
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Ben kissed him back. Slowly. Lovingly. Soft lips and tongue, gentle touches and murmurs of pleasure. In between kisses - as well as through them - Ben smiled. The expression felt light yet and foreign on his face. He hadn't smiled so broadly or genuinely in a long time. He'd smiled all through the campaign but it had been different. His motivation had been different, even if the smile was sincere.
Once the kissing began to settle - five minutes? twenty? sixty? - he spoke.
"I forgot it can feel like this. I forgot it was like this for us, at the start."
At the very start, when he'd fallen for Kerr during a very long tour of his house, learning all about Kerr's history. It felt like they were there again. Even though Ben had come a long way from that innocent time, he was still the same at his core. His focus had shifted off Kerr many times. Too many.
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Kerr tilted his head and contemplated Ben's words, a smile lingering around his lips. The silence that stretched between them was comfortable and he'd forgotten that. "I know what you mean. We've come a long way but... " A frown arrived as he thought of all the impossible situations they'd survived between when they started and where they were now.
"It's good to go back to the beginning. I was thinking something similar while I waited for you to wake up. I began here and so much has come and gone but... that moon's still the same, y'know? Still rising over the same fields. We get caught up in the minutiae and the grandness of it all but it's a lot of bullshit. We convince ourselves that we matter but the moon doesn't give a shit. I feel small, here. Grounded. And I like that the only thing that feels bigger is you and how I feel about you."
He watched the tip of his finger as it traced its way over Ben's shoulder and bicep, humbled that he was able to touch him. Reverence radiated off him unwittingly. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
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Ben's smile twisted and his tongue poked out between his teeth as he considered his reply to Kerr's final statement. He chose not to give it a voice even though it was just teasing because he didn't want to ruin this moment. The cheeky look in his eyes flashed away almost as soon as it arose and he blinked slowly to finalise its death.
"We're both lucky, then," he said softly. Goosebumps travelled along his skin where Kerr had touched him and he shivered because of it. A good shiver. "Are we spending the night in bed?" he asked, curious. It felt indulgent and wilful and he kind of wanted to do it but at the same time he was keen to experience the place that had moulded Kerr's mortal years.
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Kerr gave a throaty laugh, amused by the way Ben asked so cutely if they were staying in bed. It was tempting but Kerr was enjoying their bonding vibe; staying in bed would definitely lead to sex, which would one hundred percent summon Cain and that was a level of complicated he wasn't ready for yet.
Their first night had been spent exploring the village a short drive away, mostly to stock up on food for Cain. The second night had been about getting settled in the house and wandering around the nearby land and stables. They hadn't ventured too far away from the house because they were nesting and it had been nice to take things easy. Kerr had managed to fill the night with stories and memories of his home and, somehow, his companions hadn't become bored. He wasn't about to push his luck tonight, though.
"We can," Kerr conceded, though his tone denoted his reluctance - despite his smirk at Ben's shiver. There was something ego-stroking about the way his touch could pebble his lover's delicious flesh even after all these years. "I was thinking that it's a nice night to do some exploring, though. The moon's out and there's no snow yet so we could go for a ride o'er the land. I'm interested to see if the safety cottages we used to have in the outer paddocks are still there, in case of inclement weather. It was always my job to ride around them and check they were properly stocked when the weather started to turn. It was boring as hell unless I could convince someone to meet me at one of them and make it more interesting."
He winked lewdly at Ben, letting his love know exactly what sort of 'interesting' young, mortal Kerr had craved - as if he didn't already know. It amused him to joke about it and imply that he and Ben could rendezvous at a distant cabin and fool around, even if he had no intention of letting that happen.
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"Safety cottages," Ben mouthed, though the words would still reach Kerr's hearing easily. The snow in Ireland must fall fast and hard. He breathed a soft snort of laughter at his own thought, realising it could make quite the erotic joke... but he kept that in, too.
Ben spoke next to Kerr rather than to himself. "If you had liked boys back then, I think I would've met you if you'd asked me, but I would've felt intimidated and overwhelmed. I never had the confidence in my mortal years that I do now."
Vampirism had forced Ben into a few crazy, twisted lifestyles but it had also oddly suited him. And now, with nobody else interfering, it was the thing Ben had wanted it to be thanks to Kerr; an exploration of the world and a discovery of self.
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Kerr smirked at the notion of liking boys and hooking up with Ben in his youth, something he'd never even contemplated back then; it was an implausible and crazy proposition but that didn't stop his heart leaping at the idea of it. Technically, Ben had been the one to teach him the wonders of being with a man, the one to seduce him. He believed it could easily have happened if they'd met as youngsters. The images of what he and past Ben might've got up to in an isolated cabin far away from his family's prying eyes were titillating and sent a throb of awareness straight to his groin.
Still, the rest of what Ben said muted his ardor and gave Kerr pause. He would've been intimidated and overwhelmed but still turned up? That made him sad for Ben. It wasn't so unbelievable. Even now, Ben was a peculiar mix of egotistical and vulnerable, his doubts eating into his self-esteem in unexpected and often destructive ways, while other situations bolstered him and could make him insufferable. Casting his mind back, Kerr remembered his initial fascination with the mortal boy. How disarmingly naive and worshipful he'd been; bold yet timid in his approach, humble yet confident about wanting vampirism.
Kerr had never met anyone like him and he was confident he never would again.
"I think you would've changed quickly, if we'd met as children. Just like when we met in real life, I'd have been helpless to resist your charms and you would've led me into temptation. I think you'd have intimidated me," Kerr winked, trailing his fingers along Ben's arm so that he could play with his fingers. When he spoke next, his tone was curious and pensive. "Were you confident when you were younger? Before you came out and your parents rejected you?"
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Ben thought over Kerr's words even as he delved into his memory. "I remember being confident when I was very little. I remember thinking up games and bossing other kids about while I was teaching them to play those games. I remember how both teachers and kids liked me and called me things like 'outgoing' and 'popular' and 'natural leader'. My confidence changed earlier than the moment my parents knew. It changed when I was attracted to other boys. I'm frustrated and angry at my home city for not wanting me to save them from..." Ben pressed his lips together to swallow the name that had caused him so much grief. " But I will always love it for never making me feel unsafe for being who I was. I knew the rest of the world wouldn't be so understanding and I knew my parents weren't either because of past comments they'd made. I kept it a secret from them until I was old enough to fend for myself, just in case I wasn't loved enough to be accepted." Ben's smile twisted and his eyes grew into chips of ice as he spoke, his expression hard and cold even as he looked at his love.
"But it's not even that one thing, even though it's the biggest thing. There are lots of interactions I've had that have both chipped away at my confidence and also bolstered it. Like the time I had a crush on one of the jocks at my high school who would always say hi to me publicly and we'd handjob each other in the bathroom stall but he also threatened me not to tell anyone what we did. I don't know if he was bi or especially closeted because he had a new hot girlfriend every month. When I asked him if we could do more, we upgraded to blowing one another."
Ben took a quick breath and continued. "I knew how I felt about him was one-sided but I was super happy whenever he touched me or allowed me to touch him. I didn't care that it was a secret under threat of being beaten up because he didn't shun me in public. Every time he smiled at me or said hello when walking by, it was like he was acknowledging that we had a special thing between us. I knew he was ashamed of us so I never complained that I wasn't allowed to be more. Then I had to drop out of school to get a job after I got kicked out of home. After a couple of weeks I met him after school to tell him what had happened. I remember him saying 'That's awful, I'm sorry, man. Hey, how about we go somewhere for one last time?' and I was so disappointed in so many ways but I still went with him. He drove us deep into Meadowcrest because he had a four-wheel drive. Because we were so isolated, I knew I had a chance to talk him into having sex with me. I had to prep myself because he was just going to shove it into me. I remember being on my back and staring up at him, trying to burn the moment into my memory because of how much I liked him, but during all that staring I realised I didn't really like him at all anymore. I mean, I was still attracted to him but he no longer meant anything to me. After we were done and wiped up, he got angry with me and said I'd manipulated him and that he wasn't gay and he drove away and left me to make my own way home. I followed his tyre tracks to get out of the woods. Pretty much cried the whole way out."
Ben made a pfft sound before puffing light laughter. "How did I get onto that story?"
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Ben’s story captured Kerr’s imagination in an unexpectedly vivid and visceral way. He was right there with humiliated, sobbing teenaged Ben when the amused question was asked. Kerr blinked his way back to the present and released Ben so that he could shuffle onto his stomach beside him, resting on his elbows so he was raised up, able to look at his beautiful face. The allegory was clear, to Kerr.
“Maybe because you feel like the city has left you to walk home, alone and crying like the stupid bitch that boy was,” Kerr shrugged then leant forward to press a kiss to Ben’s shoulder before pulling back to look him in the eye. “But you’re not alone. And you’ve never been responsible for other people’s bad decisions - even when you lacked confidence, I believe you knew that - so you won’t start now. You know, I feel like life is a cycle of exploration, failure and reinventing ourselves. The length of time of the exploration and the decline of interest or connection or whatever it may be differs, but the end result is always the same. Reinvention. Reinvigoration. And a new determination.”
He smiled tenderly at Ben then, not feeling he needed to say that they were facing the process together. Again. Their own relationship had been through, what? Three? Five? Ten of those cycles? Now was different - it always was - but it was the same, too. And Kerr was infinitely pleased that they were still lucky enough to weather it side by side.
One day, he might well be the casualty in Ben’s next reinvention cycle or Ben might be his; but not yet. Hopefully never.
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Initially, as Kerr made a connection between Ben's rejected teenaged self and the rejection of his political interests, he shook his head no. After a second's thought, he stopped negating and reconsidered. During the walk through the woods, following the tyre tracks and grudgingly grateful that it wasn't too dark for such a thing, he'd been intensely angry and had cast hateful thoughts at the boy he'd believed he would always love. The rejection had hurt so much more with the smell and ghost sensation of their connected bodies still apparent. His hometown had been much the same; returning to what it knew rather than being set free with him. He hadn't been good enough for either of them.
A brief flare of hurt surfaced before it sank again at Kerr's kind words and touch. Yes, he wasn't responsible for another person's bad decision. Or that of his city. He doubted Jake would do anything beyond what he'd done before; indulge in his own life and leave everything in the city to run itself. He was the God of Lip Service. He wanted people to attend to him, not the other way around. And if they didn't run after him with the testimony of agreement or flattery then they were cast out or shunned from his life like a used tissue. Out of sight, out of mind.
"We're at the start of a fresh cycle," Ben pointed out, mirroring Kerr's thoughts. "A rediscovery of one another while in a new setting. The campaign might've failed but I feel like it brought us into a new territory that I really like. A true team." He kissed Kerr hard but quickly, moving forward to plant it and pulling away almost as fast. "I finally feel like your equal. You'll always be more powerful than me because of your age and because you made me... but it still feels more balanced, somehow."
His expression shifted back and forth between helplessness and thoughtfulness as he struggled to think of a better way to phrase it. Stuck for a better idea, Ben left it at that.
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Kerr tilted his head, his accompanying frown showing that he was thinking just as much as Ben was. "I... understand that my age and experience is unbalanced but... you've felt we were unequal? In our relationship? Just in general?" he queried, gently spoken because he was curious to hear more about Ben's feelings on this matter.
Surely the balance of power shifted with the usual ebb and flow of every relationship? One was strong if the other was weak, one was responsible when the other was weary of making decisions; that was how a healthy dynamic worked, right? He was of the opinion he and Ben traded places as required.
Hearing Ben always viewed himself as lesser somehow made Kerr feel anxious in a way an unreachable itch buried deep in his skin would.
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Ben wondered why Kerr was prodding at their past inequality instead of discussing and developing where they were now. The past had shaped them until this point, beyond that it didn't matter. Ben used to go over and over the things he'd done wrong, thinking that would help him in a future circumstance, that he could learn from it. But every situation, no matter how similar, was different. Every person was different. 'Once burned, twice shy' was a terrible way to go through life, because it only meant future opportunities would be missed or forgiveness would be held hostage. Such as Kerr. Sawyl's murderous nature had burnt him and Ben had been measured against the shadow of that killer. He still remembered the threat Kerr had made to Ben years ago; if you go down that path I'll end you because I won't go through that again. Words to that effect. He couldn't remember under what circumstance Kerr had said it, just that he had. While he didn't blame his sire for saying it, thinking it, even believing it or knowing it to be true, it had stayed with Ben long enough for the memory to remain with him. Kerr would not go through that again. He would not try.
But in everything else, he had tried.
"We've talked about this already, the role that you play. You are my protector. My rock. My benefactor. But we agreed that you were to be my partner, not my parent. I don't need or want a 'daddy'. You've changed in that way. I no longer feel... claustrophobic."
It wasn't the right word. He'd meant to say 'restricted' or 'restrained' but they sounded oddly sexual so he'd veered away from their use.
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Kerr was relieved to hear things had improved, though Ben highlighted 'not claustrophobic' instead of using 'equal' again. It was enough; he'd done an awful lot of gritting his teeth and letting Ben go in order to get as far as they had and he was content with the wording.
"That's good," he sighed, nodding as he lifted his left hand and rested his chin in his palm, looking past Ben as his gaze became pensive. "It's my flaw, I know that. It's not fair on you, my need to control everything." He sighed again, looking back into Ben's eyes, which made him smile wanly. They both knew it was Sawyl's legacy that Ben was left to fight in Kerr's head. It couldn't be more unfair. "I'm glad you think I'm getting better, though."
His grin widened, his brown eyes twinkling as he contemplated laying his head on Ben's stomach and pouting up at him, pointing out that Ben kind of didn't mind having a daddy in bed. He wondered what would happen if told Ben to daddy him. He had no idea what it would entail. It wasn't like they didn't take turns already but there was obviously more to the kink. Complete surrender? Spanking or paddling? It would definitely be weird to have Ben bossing him around but Kerr thought it might be hot, in bed. It might also drive him crazy but therein lay the thrill.
Deciding discretion was the better part of valour, he turned his smirk to the walls of the room they were in. "I'm at a disadvantage here, at least. I was born in this room and just looking at the fields makes me feel like a child again. Gods, my mother tried so hard to be proper and raise me right and my father never met an emotion he could express yet I still have the impression that he was kind." Kerr's expression darkened as he remembered the events that led up to his parents' - and his own - deaths and he was again immersed in the sense of helplessness he'd experienced beneath Angus and Sawyl's fangs. A grown man turned childe.
"Do you want to see where I was made?" he asked, knowing they'd visited the manor - now rather dilapidated - when they were last here but that Ben didn't truly remember that trip. Not with feelings. Besides, Kerr had been uptight and upset when they'd toured the manor and he'd rushed Ben through, locking down his feelings so that he didn't have to confront his own memories. Sawyl had still been part of his life, too. Things were different this time around and he was ready to be vulnerable in front of Ben in a way he hadn't been back then.
Maybe being equal was reliant on how raw you were willing to be in front of your partner; he and Ben had certainly torn off a lot of layers since they were here last.
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Ben studied how Kerr's face changed as he spoke, flitting from relief to mischief to contemplation before embarking on something much darker just moments ahead of making his offer.
"Not if it makes you feel uncomfortable," Ben said. He recalled how, in his movie memory, he'd been turned into a vampire in a room that he had no familiarity with. A bedroom belonging to his second sire, now long gone but still alive in a distant location in the world. Asia, perhaps. India? He'd been an attractive, contemplative sort that offered Ben his freedom but without giving the sort of emotional acknowledgement that Ben craved.
"I'm interested in history, not in dwelling over your personal torture," he said after a moment. "But I know that I would love to visit New York again if I had a guarantee never to encounter Themba." He thought of Daniel who he knew was currently touring the States to promote his fairly successful debut album, released after a couple of singles that had done well, though not quite hitting the top ten. "Sooo, I'm guessing the discomfort is just the memory?"
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Kerr didn't enjoy the jolt of fear he felt when Ben mentioned New York and Themba's name so he merely widened his eyes and nodded his agreement instead of making a comment. He could see parallels between his time in the manor and Ben's experience in New York but, ultimately, Ben had it worse. His tormentors were still alive.
"It's nothing I can't handle," he assured his love, shrugging one shoulder. "My ghosts are all dead now so... it would be interesting to see how it still affects me. Maybe it's closure I need, I don't know," he mused, a breath leaving his body in an exhalation of amusement. "I'm not compelled either to go or to avoid it, so my offer stands, if it interests you," he smiled.
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Ben gave Kerr a musing look. They both knew where Ben had been made and while it was an emotionless room the process had been one of gentleness and love. Kerr had the opposite.
"Yes, I want to see it. Only to share another thing with you, to connect with you just that bit more." After saying these words and figuring they would please Kerr, he grinned at him.
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Kerr grinned in return, the action reflexive because it was in his nature to mirror Ben. "You're beautiful, you know that?" he murmured, grabbing Ben's hand and pulling it to his mouth so he could nuzzle his knuckles with adoring lips. "And I don't just mean your face."
Ben's desire to share things or get close to Kerr had always been flattering but it felt especially poignant now, when Ben's attention had been so splintered by the campaign. Now was all about them. It went straight to Kerr's heart... and his ego.
"Speaking of closeness, do you want to do any training while we're away? Are you feeling balanced enough to try or will we wait 'til we're back?" Kerr wasn't sure if Ben had reached a state of equilibrium - or desire - firm enough to concentrate on such things yet. If he was ready for it, it was another way for them to grow closer and Kerr wanted to know so he could put some time towards it each night but he was fully aware that Ben mightn't be ready for the physical and mental strain.
Jake and the city had taken their figurative pound of flesh.
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"Oh, I definitely want to train while we're away because it will be... a while, I thought," he said. They'd not spoken about how long their 'holiday' would take, but Ben had been anticipating many months, maybe even years, or until he couldn't stand being away from his birthplace any longer. He'd only ever challenged his homesickness once before with New York, and he'd felt the drawing of home like a physical pang. Maybe he wouldn't be homesick if he wasn't alone. "But... later. Maybe in a couple of weeks?"
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Kerr raised his eyebrows and lowered Ben's hand away from his mouth as he contemplated a while. His imagination gallivanted at the possibilities and the only limitation he could envision was Cain. Did he have family he'd want to keep in contact with? Kerr couldn't recall ever having a conversation with the mortal about family or friends... he thought there was no-one significant but couldn't recall specific information along those lines.
Should he remember or know more about that? He should definitely feel guilty that the object of his sexual affection and fascination didn't seem to rate as more than a mouth and a fine ass to stuff his cock in. If he'd had blood recently, he'd be flushed with shame right now.
"I love the idea of being away a while and I'm happy to delay training as long as you want. But... uh... do you know anything about Cain's ties to the city?" he queried sheepishly, his expression a mix of embarrassment and hopefulness. "There isn't anyone he'll miss if we're away an extended amount of time... right?"
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Ben could feel the expression on his face become a strange mixture of confusion, amusement and exasperation. What Kerr would be able to decipher from it was beyond Ben. Kerr's relationship with Cain was both full of emotion and physically shallow. Kerr and Ben had shared a lot about themselves to each other almost immediately upon meeting, wanting to learn as much as possible about each other. It was obvious that Kerr and Cain had not delved into those conversations, not even after he'd become theirs.
"He's like me. Like I was as a mortal," Ben amended. "Living alone after cutting ties from family. I only ever wanted to be a vampire. He only ever wanted to be a pet. Neither of us made or kept important connections because they would only limit us from achieving the lifestyle we wanted. I doubt he cares whether we ever go back to our home city." Ben's smile flitted at the corners of his lips. "I could always ask him but you know what he's going to say."
Cain would only want to be wherever they were.
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Ben's expression only compounded Kerr's shame but he weathered the shifting emotions on his love's face with as much dignity as he could muster. He was relieved when told Cain had broken family connections... then he felt guilty about feeling relieved, too.
"He'll want to stay with us," Kerr nodded, a wry smile appearing. "I suppose we should let him know we've got no definite timeframe or destination in mind, just in case it makes a difference, but I believe you're right. He'll likely get bored if we stay here too long, though. There's not much to do," Kerr chuckled.
A larger city would give Cain more opportunities to interact with people if Ben and Kerr were too tame; they might even lose him to older, more tempting vampires if they ventured to a city with a council and network of vampiric followers in it. He wondered if Ben would want to introduce himself to some of them while he was here. Kerr wasn't sure he should even make the offer, considering most ruling supernaturals put Themba's attitude to shame. It was part of why he'd kept Ben away when they'd visited previously. The other part was Ben's youth.
Plus, Kerr only knew many of them because Sawyl had run afoul of most of them at one point or another and been hauled in front of them for a warning or punishment. Kerr himself was viewed with polite indulgence generally, having gained some sympathy amongst the elite ranks when they realised he had nothing to do with his family's lascivious proclivities and reckless behaviours. He was tolerated, not beloved, though his time as Luminary might have boosted his reputation.
Either way, he was nervous about his childe's acceptance; on principle, they might shun Ben simply because of his association with Kerr (and, by bloodline, Sawyl). He hoped not but he couldn't avoid the heavy thoughts that came to him as he contemplated it.
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Ben watched Kerr as his gaze withdrew to the middle distance while his thoughts roamed. Ben let them roam without interruption until Kerr's gaze sharpened. Since his sire hadn't given them any voice, he decided all of those thoughts had been about Cain.
"Don't sell him too short. If we ended up living here, he'd take it in stride. I'm more likely to grow bored before he does," Ben said through a half-smile. He gave Kerr's chest a light tap. "C'mon, let's get dressed and pay history a visit."
He shifted to roll away from Kerr and get dressed in whatever matched the weather plus hiking shoes.
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Kerr watched Ben speculatively when he declared he was more likely to get bored before Cain did. He doubted that, because even though Ben didn't fully connect with his first visit to Europe, Kerr hadn't forgotten. Oddly, Ben was in a similar headspace now to the one he'd been in all those years ago; open to experience, exploring his relationship with Kerr in the wake of significant change and fascinated with everything.
Ben would be eternally fascinated with learning and finding out as much about everything he didn't know as possible, boredom was unlikely, in Kerr's opinion. It was part of why Kerr was so uneasy about introducing him to any of the councils. His enchantment with them could become... consuming. This relaxed, healing air they had going on was far too precious to him to spoil it; it helped him make up his mind about mentioning anything to Ben about them after all.
With an exhalation of amusement, Kerr rolled after Ben and onto his feet beside the bed, taking a moment to get his bearings before he strode towards his clothes, slapping Ben's ass lightly on the way past. He dressed warmly because the weather would warrant that - not that he hoped they'd run into anyone - keeping it informal in jeans, boots and a thick woollen jumper. He slid his hand into Ben's as they left the bedroom and headed through the narrow corridor and downstairs.
"So... farm or manor first?" Kerr queried, wondering exactly which bit of history they'd focus on tonight. A meal of blood would help get the night started right, also, then they could get Cain and leave. A night of exploration suited Kerr, he didn't care which direction drew Ben first; the other would be explored the next night.
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Ben dressed fashionably warm (https://nextluxury.com/wp-content/uploads/distinctive-mens-winter-outfits-styles-tan-coat-with-grey-scarf.jpg), with a tan jacket to match his hiking boots, light grey cashmere scarf over a similar grey merino wool cable knit sweater and dark navy pants. His style and eye for clothing had developed in New York and never left him.
He put on the Claddagh ring; a piece of jewellery he hadn't worn since the fracture between Ichabod and himself. Because he'd been presented it on the same night that Ichabod had received his, it had felt like it wasn't just his and Kerr's... for Ichabod had one as well. He'd brought it with him on the holiday on a whim, throwing the box into his luggage with a light frown and hardly a second thought. Now, here in Ireland, he slipped it onto his finger with the heart pointing towards him, declaring to all that his heart belonged to someone already. It felt right.
"The place where you became a vampire," Ben said gently, turning and lifting his gaze to Kerr who was fully dressed now. "The room, if you can."
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Kerr's admiration of Ben's outfit - so much sleeker and more professional than his own - ceased when his love accessorised with his ring. With Kerr's ring. It had been a while since he'd seen it on Ben's hand and, in the meantime, they'd talked about Kerr buying Ben other rings; one that would promise them to one another and one that would bind them as husbands.
He hadn't gone ahead with that, despite Ben's agreement in principle, because... oh, there were so many reasons. Saraekiel, Cain, separations and reunions, the election, the timing, the emotions... so much hadn't been right.
Seeing his ring on Ben's hand now caused such a surge of pride and possessiveness that Kerr was momentarily overwhelmed. He didn't expect such a small piece of jewellery to affect him so but the fact that Ben chose to wear it here and now was significant. It mattered to Kerr because the way he put it on mattered to Ben.
Maybe it was time to think of wedding rings after all, if the Claddagh ring could make him feel like this.
Kerr's gaze was heated as he approached Ben, grasping his hand and brushing his thumb across the ring before he lifted it and pressed his lips to Ben's knuckles. Ben's words registered but Kerr lowered his hand before he spoke, looking into Ben's silvery-blue eyes with a whole lot of emotions swirling within him that he couldn't suppress. Perhaps it was their imminent visit to the manor that had him so riled. Maybe it was the ring. Or simply Ben being here, being his, being pliant and loving. Loveable. It had been too long since Ben had been in a place where Kerr was allowed to love him as he wanted to.
"Alright," he agreed, his voice gravelly. The basement of the manor was still preserved and that was where he'd been made. Though parts of the rest of the grand home were crumbling, most of the ground floor and the underground was intact when last they'd visited and he felt like it would remain preserved. "Shall we take Cain or leave him here?" Ten minutes ago Kerr had had every intention of bringing their pet but then Ben had put his ring on and reignited an intimacy between them that would likely only intensify when they went to the manor. He didn't think he wanted his attention to be split by Cain but he asked his question so that Ben would collude with him in his selfishness.
It would give him permission to exclude their human if Ben agreed he should stay.
-
Ben recognised the look on Kerr's face and what it meant. He’d guessed, hadn’t he? He’d known that it would affect Kerr positively. He was still struck by the intensity of Kerr's reaction and the emotions that thrummed along their bloodline. He identified the sensation of possessiveness and a portion of him recoiled from it. Was it because he'd only just mentioned New York? Or maybe he’d always felt this way but hadn’t known it until jealousy and control had presented itself to him up close and personal. Perhaps that was why he'd run away before.
Things were different now.
“Cain will have opportunities to come with us to places that aren't as intimate and important,” he said after collecting himself. “This is for you and me.”
Kerr was the opposite of Themba and those possessive feelings came from love and having being denied for a while. It wasn't about control and domination. Ben forgave the similarity. Kerr was and always would be his saviour. The one he would always be able to trust with his head, heart, body and soul.
-
Kerr saw the trepidation that passed through Ben's eyes when he kissed the ring; he incorrectly assumed it stemmed from Ben's general discomfort with marriage. That he'd read Kerr's thoughts or his emotions and he wasn't ready. The thing was, neither of them were so Kerr mildly resented that shadow in Ben's gaze. The emotion was fleeting, however, and was soon replaced by melancholy. He wasn't about to fall to one knee and hem his love in with awkward declarations of undying love and a foreshadowed question - and if he did, he had no certainty in the answer he'd receive being an affirmative - and Ben should know that.
Did Ben really not know that? Did he not understand how devastated Kerr had been for him? His election loss hadn't affected only himself... no, he had to know that. They wouldn't be so tentative with each other if that wasn't a given. This vacation was too careful and saturated in a sense of discovery for there to be any confusion on that front. Ben's next words and his agreement to abandoning Cain only confirmed it. "I agree." Kerr smiled and lowered their hands, interlinking their fingers as he drew Ben out of the bedroom.
When they got downstairs, Cain was sitting in an armchair positioned so that he could see the television and the staircase. He was just delivering a spoonful of cereal into his mouth when they stepped off the last riser and onto the living area carpet. The spoon was quickly withdrawn and dropped with a clatter into the bowl Cain held beneath his chin. He chewed hastily to clear his mouth and be able to speak, his gaze shifting rapidly between his masters' joined hands, their warm outfits and their faces.
"Good evening, Cain," Kerr bade, his tone genial and his expression soft. He found the human's eager movements - leaning forward to deposit his bowl onto the coffee table before scrambling to his feet and stepping towards them - endearing and sexy. Cain moved with a grace that men of his size rarely had, his muscular body wrapped in tight blue jeans and a white hoodie that somehow made him look adorably cuddly and sinuously powerful at the same time. As it was with Ben, Kerr would never not find Cain sexy and his admiration was clear in his lopsided smile as he watched his pet approach.
Cain noticed Kerr noticing him and his heart rate picked up at the implication of that look. It had been a very long time indeed since Kerr had looked at him like that. It made him feel sexy and wanted and there was no better feeling. "Hey Kerr," he replied huskily, walking to the taller man first and wrapping his arms around his waist. Kerr hugged him with his free arm and leant down to kiss him on the lips. Cain had to fight the urge to deepen it. Disappointment flared as he pulled back, licking his lips to savour the taste he got.
"Evening, Ben," he added, leaving one arm around Kerr as he reached over and placed the other on Ben's hip to steady him while he kissed the blond's cheek - though he wouldn't refuse if he was offered lips. As he withdrew, he looked over Ben's smart outfit and gazed expectantly from silvery blue eyes to brown. "Are we going out?"
"Ben and I are," Kerr said gently, still smiling.
Cain's expression faltered into a frown as he got the implied message. "Oh," was all he managed.
Kerr lifted his arm and hugged him around the shoulders, kissing his forehead. "We'll be a few hours. Don't wait up for us if you're tired."
Cain opened his mouth to ask if he should wait for them in their bed but thought better of it and decided on another course. "Okay. I just might. I'm pretty tired. I toured all around the farm this afternoon."
"Did you now?" Kerr asked indulgently, his eyes alight with approval.
When Cain saw how happy his news made the Irishman, pride flared and his grin broadened. "It's beautiful here. I love your family home," Cain enthused, cuddling closer and tilting his face up in case more kisses came his way. Unfortunately, Kerr only beamed at him. "Where are you going?" he asked curiously.
"Not far. To visit a neighbouring property. We'll be faster if we go alone," Kerr explained.
"Ahhh," Cain breathed, understanding that their visit wasn't necessarily legal and his human ass would just slow them down if he went. It made him feel better about being excluded - though he enjoyed the fact that they were going out together anyway. If Ben and Kerr became close again, things might go back to normal for all three of them. Cain was tired of being sad and feeling lost and confused. Nothing felt right when his masters weren't right with each other. "Are you drinking before you go?"
Kerr opened his mouth to answer but closed it soon after, turning to look at Ben for his answer. Cain looked at him, too.
-
As with Kerr, Ben also watched Cain approach, studying him thoughtfully and curious how he would handle the news of being left behind. The greeting took Ben by surprise for Kerr hadn't been affectionate with Cain for a while. When the mortal kissed Ben on the cheek, he stood unmoving as he was looked over and then Cain addressed Kerr again. A tiny smile flitted on his lips over Cain's single-minded devotion to Kerr before his expression became neutral again so he could better focus on all the different reactions Cain had.
Their pet had become a fascination to Ben once more; not so much wanting to dominate him and play a bastard role, but to bring out more of who Cain really was and present that side to Kerr. Cain brought out all manner of different sides in Ben and he'd seen a glimmer of a different side to Cain when they'd both mourned Kerr when he'd falsely died. That was when he'd learnt the most about the human. And even with all that understanding and dominance and roles they'd had with each other, Cain still intimidated him. He couldn't think of a reason why beyond Cain's muscular frame, but there were other muscular men that didn't intimidate Ben at all. It was a conundrum.
There was an uplift in the conversation between Kerr and Cain when it came to the farm and Ben correctly guessed that Cain's thinking shifted gears when the explanation was made. It brought back the tiny smile but it went away when the focus shifted to him and his thirst. Talking about it always brought it to the surface and his fangs started to throb. He was pretty sure it was his gums, remembering the pressure caused whenever he broke through skin to get to the well of blood just beneath it, pumping and gushing sweet, dark, sticky...
Ben blinked a few times to get himself out of the haze he was putting himself into. He could see Cain's knowing look but Ben shook his head.
"Tomorrow," he said firmly. The desire for blood had crept up to his consciousness but he could hold it at bay. He was still young though no longer a fledgeling. The crave was strong yet not all-consuming. "We should go," Ben said to Kerr, grateful that Cain was wearing clothes that covered a lot of his skin.
-
Cain shifted towards Ben, the mention of blood lighting his beautiful eyes in a manner Cain was compelled to respond to. He smirked when told Ben would drink the next night because the hungry way the young vampire looked implied he'd drink from the mortal. It had been too long. There were blood bags in the fridge, brought with them from the States, but Ben looked keen to pierce Cain, which he was very grateful for.
In fact, the notion sent a shiver of anticipation down his spine and caused a tingle in his pants. Maybe they were doing their own thing tonight but Cain definitely got the impression that he wouldn't be left to his own devices the next night. He couldn't wait. Suddenly, having this to think about and an empty house all to himself didn't seem like a punishment at all. It would be more like a playground.
Ben urged Kerr to get going and Cain knew that his time with them was up.
"Awesome," he murmured inanely, his mismatched blue eyes glinting happily at his masters. He pressed himself fully against them, wrapping his arms around their bodies and drawing them close in a tight hug. His hands roamed their backs in brief, soothing circles and the friction against his front felt nice, giving him plenty to think about once he was alone.
Kerr returned Cain's hug with a similar level of intensity before the mortal wisely stepped back and grinned at them. "Sleep well," Kerr ordered as his grip on Ben's hand shifted and he dragged him towards the front door.
"Feel free to wake me. If you come back and... y'know," Cain purred with a wink, drawing a snort of amusement from Kerr as he stepped out of the centrally-heated house and into a cold, clear night. He paused to allow Ben enough time to pull the door closed behind them before they set off down the dirt road that led from the house to the bitumen-covered one that passed the property.
He looked up as they went, inhaling loudly through his nostrils. "Gods I love the stars here. Nothing beats this sky," he mused, voice tinged with awe. "I want to get there and explore but I can't bring myself to do it and miss the show up there," he murmured, enraptured by the spray of lights twinkling far above their heads. It was a simple delight but a view Kerr had gazed upon innumerable times growing up. He couldn't shake the sensation of being watched by them, though it was a comforting gesture. Weird.
"Are you okay if we don't run?" he queried, certain Ben wanted to get there and spend their time exploring the manor ratther than on the journey getting there but unable to pull his gaze away. He turned to look at Ben, bathed in starlight and the glow of the moon, and fell just a little bit more in love with him. He looked like poetry and sonnets in motion; what Kerr felt in that moment was definitely what all the great authors channelled when they wrote their most epic of drafts. "I love you," he added, almost like he'd been asked his feelings.
-
Ben closed the door behind them and they fell into step together. When Kerr breathed in and turned towards the sky, Ben glanced up as well. Millions of stars sprinkled the sky like pinpricks. He thought if a child had dropped their silver glitter from a great height upon a black sheet of paper, it would look something like this.
Ben's musing of the night sky went on for a much shorter time than Kerr. He smiled at Kerr's description of the stars putting on a 'show' even though he didn't agree with the word. He was of the opinion that the stars were the most basic form of romance. The moon, sure. Stars? They were just more suns that belonged to other planets. Huge balls of gas and fire that could kill him if they shared their light. Or they were already dead and he and Kerr were looking at the last tinge of their memory. Stars were more likely to make him feel insignificant and melancholy. Not a lot of room for romance there.
"I'm not big on running anyway," Ben said with a shrug, the light smile still playing about his lips. He'd tapped into his celerity a few times now but still found it difficult to control unless he was holding hands with Kerr. He'd also been disappointed by the quality of it; celerity was amazing to the observer but nothing special to the one doing it. Ben liked the wind on his face but that was all. The same effect could be achieved driving with the windows down. They both messed up his hair.
The declaration of love came as a surprise. Enough of one that he could feel it on his face. It was mostly in the way Kerr had said it, the way it had tumbled out of his mouth like the words had never been said before. The nature of his expression and tone summoned forth a broader smile on Ben's face and a brief, indulgent chuckle. "I love you too, you weirdo."
Ben took a side step so he could butt his shoulder against Kerr. It was meant to be smooth enough that they could continue walking but he faltered and stopped. Taking advantage of the tiny delay, Ben reached up to wrap his arms around Kerr's neck, linking fingers just past his nape. His sober expression searched Kerr's face before he spoke.
"Thank you for..." everything, he wanted to say, but it was about Kerr letting Ben be who he was, waiting for him to sort himself out, giving him space and time when it would've been difficult to relinquish control. "For this moment. Being where we are right now, I'm grateful."
-
Kerr tried an affronted expression when he was called a weirdo but it lasted all of a second before he burst out laughing, his head thrown back in delight. He didn't know if he was weird - he thought not - but he couldn't dismiss it because it was Ben's opinion. A four hundred year old was bound to be perceived as weird by someone so much younger, no matter what. The fact that Ben and he were so different only compounded the effect.
Arms being wrapped about his neck snuffed his mirth and returned a serious demeanour to Kerr. He danced to a halt and automatically placed his hands on Ben's hips, enjoying holding him close in the crisp air, listening to him with tilted head. The expression of thanks was heartfelt and touched Kerr in the same way, the recognition appreciated.
"You're welcome," Kerr returned with a gentle smile. "Thank you for giving me a chance - many chances, really - to be here by your side. I'm not very good at listening but I'm trying to be better at it. I'm grateful for your patience." He kissed Ben's lips as if he was putting a full stop on his sentence.
-
The kiss was sweet but too short. Ben went for another, prolonged version. He tilted his head upward to press his lips to Kerr's, holding them there a moment, savouring the sensation of Kerr's familiarity. He moved his head to gently rub them side to side before sucking on Kerr's lower lip, his tongue following soon after. Their kiss deepened to a lazy exploration as Ben's hand pressed on Kerr's nape, feeling muscles moving there while the other readjusted to a hug at Kerr's back, keeping him close.
Ben's thirst pounded and thrummed as a pseudo heartbeat. By the time their lips parted, Ben looked ruffled. His eyes shone with a predatory heat that the kiss had tapped into but wasn't going to be able to sate it.
"Are there any wild animals, like deer?" he asked thickly. In the brief silence that followed, Ben was hyper-aware of creatures all around them on the path. Ignoring the multiple sounds of insects and the chirping of bats, there were small rustling sounds in the brush a distance away and steps that belonged to a slightly bigger animal just over the rise. Deer or wild pig or lost sheep? Ben waited for Kerr's answer.
-
Kerr became lost in the kiss quickly, though he didn't seek to advance it, content to follow at the pace Ben set. When it broke and he realised that Ben was thirsting far more deeply than he'd seemed to be back at the house, a flare of annoyance had to be quickly squashed. The blood they had in the fridge would have been much easier and cleaner to heat and ingest... but there was something terribly alluring about a predatory Ben, too. Annoyance was swiftly replaced with forgiveness.
"Uh... nothing big," Kerr murmured, forcing his senses to open up to the area around them. Although there were some forested areas around them, they were sparse and not populated by deer. Red deer were generally only found in large-range, dedicated national forest areas these days. Domesticated animals were the most common in this area. "There might be some stoats... " he mused, looking towards a wilder, wooded area up ahead of them.
"One of those sheep is your best bet, right now, though," he grinned, gesturing towards a flock slumbering nearby. They were huddled together for warmth and Kerr knew from experience that wading amongst them to feed from one could cause a wave of panic that everyone in the district would hear, if they weren't careful. "Sheep are what I fed on as a young vampire. The curse of being made in farmland," he chuckled, his eyes glinting at Ben with amusement. "You want me to get one for you, my love?"
He batted his eyelashes for effect, enjoying the feeling of flirting with his man.
-
The idea of stoats was intriguing to Ben, who'd never fed from such a creature. He knew it was small but he wondered about the taste of it. He'd tried rats before. While he wasn't overly fussy about where his blood came from when he was thirsting enough to drink from rats, he still didn't care for the taste of carnivores. Herbivores were much better. He was pretty sure stoats were carnivores. He considered asking but the moment passed when Kerr spoke about the sheep and offered to provide for him.
"Sheep are better," Ben said, an educated guess for sheep were bigger and could survive the feeding and they were also herbivores. He wasn't so keen on trying stoat. "But I want to get one together. To learn the best approach."
Ben correctly assumed that the sheep would be skittish if they woke. They were hardly known for being brave animals. Kerr had likely become a master at drinking from animals. Kerr hadn't had a sire willing to teach him anything but Ben did. He intended to learn everything Kerr had on offer, including the deceivingly banal. Knowing how to approach different kinds of creatures would be extremely useful if he and Kerr were ever separated again.
-
Kerr chuckled at Ben's desire to learn about sheep wrangling. It was kind of absurd - considering how well-provided-for the two of them were, with their fridge full of human blood and their home occupied by willing donors - that their night should feature such a lesson... but it was endearing, too. Ben didn't want Kerr to coddle him but here was an opportunity to share his knowledge. It was an obscure topic, to be sure, but it made Kerr strangely proud to be able to impart the wisdom of his experience upon his fledgeling. He finally felt like a useful sire. Impart, he would.
"Okay," he agreed, his voice automatically lowering as he stepped towards the nearby fence and held the wires apart for Ben to climb through. Once he was afforded the same courtesy and had entered the sheep paddock with Ben, Kerr's quiet steps and muffled instructions resumed. "The thing about sheep is that they're dumb. Pretty easy to get your hands on because they're used to being handled with the shearing. Getting them into that pose is the best to quell them to drink from, too; they're trained into going docile as soon as they're on their backs."
Kerr paused a few metres away from the huddled flock, trying to decide which would be the best to nab. "You'll want an outside one. Easiest to get to, better chance of dragging it away and not disturbing the rest. You'll want to approach swiftly and get your target into position straight away. The rest are going to wake up scared and make a hell of a racket but they won't go too far. You'd get a second chance, if you need it. Not like a cow. A cow'll kick you in the balls and run 'til she sees home, stopping for no-one. Sheep are stupid and they'll hang around to see if maybe they should line up for a turn, rather than running away." He shook his head disapprovingly, communicating silently that he'd seen sheep participate in some very non-life preserving antics in his years.
"You can't control them mentally, either, just in case you were considering trying it. Their brains aren't built for human interference and just trying it will make them explode. Literally. It can get very messy," the sire advised sagely, remembering back to one of his earlier, arrogant experiments but not expanding on the story because Ben was thirsty and he didn't need to be lectured. "Now, have you seen the pose I'm talking about? The shearing position? Or do you need me to demonstrate first?" he enquired, ready to stride forward and flip a sheep for his love's benefit. Ben was a city boy. Kerr highly doubted he'd know what he was talking about but he wasn't going to insult his fledge by pushing forward without doing him the courtesy of asking.
-
Ben listened with all the concentration of a student who knows there will be a pop-quiz immediately after class. The concept of putting a sheep onto its back in a familiar pose made sense to him as soon as Kerr said it. The city boy in him wouldn't have come up with that idea on his own, but when the implication came he might not know the position described, he shot an annoyed look Kerr's way.
"I grew up in a city, not on a different planet," he said. He had television to thank for his knowledge though, and while he'd fended Kerr off about demonstrating first, he wished he hadn't been quite so sarcastic. Watching it on television years ago and understanding the concept was one thing. Actually grabbing the sheep and pulling it into position was another.
It took him a moment to properly process the word that Kerr had said just beforehand. Ben had heard 'explode' and thought it stupefied them or made them crazy. But... hadn't he said literally?
"Wait, wait, wait," Ben said, a confused smile on his face as he rested a hand upon Kerr's arm, waylaying him. "Did you say if you use mind tricks on a sheep, it will explode?"
He never wanted to see such a terrible thing happen to an animal and yet he did. The part that was curious enough to sacrifice a sheep's life for the sake of experimentation both horrified him and appealed to him. Who wanted to go through eternity without trying new things? Exploding sheep, though. Was that worth trying? Wasn't it enough that Kerr had tried and exploded one?
"Maybe you went into its mind too fast or something? I mean, you were inexperienced, right?"
Damn it, Ben, are you trying to talk him into exploding a sheep for you?
-
At Ben's final question, Kerr's mouth pressed into a straight line and a frown creased his forehead before he deliberately dropped the expression. Damnit. They were getting off track and it wasn't a place he particularly wanted to revisit. He cleared his throat subtly, his gaze sliding away from Ben's and landing on the sheep before them.
"Well, the first time... yes. I tried to find a thought I could control, move the sheep towards me against its will but it just... it sort of twitched - like a gambolling lamb, you know? - jumped up in the air and then blood and brains flew everywhere. Exploded through its eye sockets and ears. Splattered me and then it just fell down dead." Kerr's hands threaded together, thrust upwards and then flew apart from each other in mimicry of the long-ago sheep's brain.
His jaw clenched as he rallied himself to admit the rest of it, dreading Ben's censure. It embarrassed him that he'd killed not one sheep but two all because he had to be sure of what happened. "I tried it again a few months later. I was better at mind penetration by then and-- I mean, they're simple animals. Dumb, like I said. There wasn't anything I could make sense of so I imposed my will on it, you know? It just... the same thing happened. It was definitely me," Kerr admitted, his shoulders slumping in defeat.
He couldn't bring himself to look Ben in the eye. "I killed two sheep because they couldn't handle mind control. I stopped trying to control animals after that. It was awful," he declared, nose wrinkling, lip curling and a shudder rolling across his shoulders.
-
Ben's eyes grew round as Kerr described the events. His gaze followed Kerr's hands and as they moved apart, Ben's own hand flew up to cover his mouth. He looked shocked but his eyes were glistening with something that Kerr would recognise as humour.
"That's awful," Ben breathed in a way that sounded like he was holding a great deal of emotion within him. He was caught between trying to console Kerr for what must've been an unpredictable and awful outcome... and just laughing. He could imagine it, with the way Kerr described it. A sheep, first looking stunned then leaping into the air before exploding like an ovine Bouncing Betty.
He thought he could contain his giggles, and he almost had it. Almost. Until Kerr said it happened twice. He made a weird sound behind his hand that easily passed as 'not laughing' until he giggled. He sobered a little bit when Kerr revealed an anxiety about it, but he couldn't help himself from commenting.
"Baa-aa-aa boom!"
Then he cackled.
-
Kerr's eyes narrowed progressively as Ben's humour grew. He was huffy about having his cautionary tale mocked, though Ben appeared to try to hold it in... until he couldn't and it all came spilling out of him in undignified laughter.
"Shut up!" Kerr hissed, swatting Ben's arm with an open palm. His ire only seemed to make his lover's laughter more robust and Kerr scowled at him in dismay. "It was awful! You'd feel guilty too, if it happened to you," he pouted. "So are you going to grab a sheep now?"
The less time they spent dwelling on exploding sheep, the better, in Kerr's opinion.
-
When Kerr failed to see the funny side after initially swatting at him (which Ben had thought was him playing the 'the straight man' act for their comedy duo), Ben's humour dissipated. His high spirits plummeted and he suddenly didn't want to go through catching sheep anymore, regardless of his thirst.
After all the appreciation, love and gratitude they admitted, this was yet another moment that showed with great clarity how much they were ill-suited for one another. An exploding sheep story was funny. He knew the fact of it was not, but the story was.
Ben straightened to his full height and shoved his hands into his coat pockets, pushing down his desire for blood. It went somewhere that he could deal with it better because he'd practised many times to force it away. Even though his expression hardened, he spoke with an easy tone because he didn't want to have to discuss this any further. "You know what? This was a stupid idea. Let's just go to the manor."
Yes, go to the manor and try to capture a bonafide serious moment instead of forcing seriousness into this ridiculous task.
-
Ben's reaction surprised Kerr and he immediately regretted it. He'd made a mistake but... he couldn't help doing it and he couldn't take it back now.
As much as he was cognitively aware that his own rigidity about the sheep slaying had closed Ben off, he couldn't bring himself to backtrack and explain. It wasn't about the sheep. It was about losing his moment to be a decent sire right before he was about to visit the place where his life had ended and he'd learnt everything about being a bad one. He was nervous. He wanted to guide Ben, not smother him and his fledge not taking his advice seriously had annoyed him too much.
He was being too much again. He knew it. He just couldn't stop it. And now Ben was upset with him and no longer willing to listen. Right now he felt he was no better a sire than Sawyl had been but he didn't want to give up completely. Ben's thirst had been potent yet drinking was now a 'stupid idea'? That didn't seem right... yet Ben seemed outwardly calm about it.
"Just like that? You're not thirsty? How do you do that?" Kerr asked, sincerely curious. He was risking Ben blowing up at him but he needed to know if he was reading this situation correctly. Could a vampire as young as Ben have such control over his thirst?
-
Ben braced himself for a reprimand but a question adjacent to drinking from a sheep came instead. He recognised the genuine interest in Kerr's voice and wondered why he was even asking. But of course, it wasn't Kerr who'd taught him how to deal with his thirst, it was Themba. It wasn't anything the ancient vampire had actually taught him though. Ben had learnt it out of necessity. Out of fear.
He explained it.
"I wasn't always in a place where I could easily have a drink because there were people around," like models, glamorous party-goers, contacts, agents, photographers and the rest, "and I had to figure out a way to push my thirst down. Willpower wasn't good enough but imposing my will was, if I targeted myself." Ben warmed up to the topic while they resumed their walk towards the manor. "It's like the pacify talent you've taught me, the one that makes people docile..." and explodes sheep - he smiled but it was small and fleeting and wasn't enough to take away the shine in his eyes when speaking about anything vampire-power related. "I turn it inward and focus it on my thirst. It's a temporary thing, only until I relinquish control and I need to feed just that little bit extra from holding it down, but I can do it for several hours. I haven't pushed it past four." He made a grimace to imply he didn't want to push it further, either.
-
Kerr was fascinated, lost in thought as he trailed after Ben and tried to imagine turning his own powers inward to lessen his impulses. Coming from a background of impulse-embracement, it would never have been a concept that entered his mind at such a young age. He didn't judge his bohemian upbringing as superior to Ben's but he definitely appreciated their differences more when the fact of them was laid in front of him in such a manner.
Silence stretched between them after Ben finished speaking and it was because Kerr needed time to gather his thoughts to respond. "I... that's amazing," he marvelled, frowning at the road they'd begun walking on again and shaking his head in wonderment. "It's not anything I've tried before but it sounds like a great pre-cursor to levitation. That's just you turning telekinesis back on yourself so... I wonder if you'll find that easier, because of this, or will it be unrelated? It seems to me like they're both about imposing your powers on yourself for effect so it should work. It's just... you're still so young, really! Even to be able to affect yourself with Will, that's amazing."
He was repeating himself now and it was probably boring but Kerr couldn't help feeling awed by his fledgeling. To an outsider, it would seem so minor but the mental fortitude such a feat took was no easy thing to conquer. His thoughts were swiftly taken over by a sensation of inadequacy once more, compounded by the thought of their destination.
"Sometimes, I think you're a better sire to yourself than I am," he said, issuing an offhanded laugh with the statement that just sounded awkward to his ears. It was hard to make light of a genuine concern he held deep in his heart.
-
Ben felt a surge of pride at Kerr's praise. He was aware that he was starting to relish compliments a little too much lately. All that flattery from the general public during the campaign had set his ego up... before it came crashing down. It seemed his ego was ready and willing for compliments again. More meaningful ones this time, from someone he could trust rather than a group of randoms.
"Nobody can replace you," Ben said quietly, for he'd faced an alternative for 18 months. He knew he could survive well enough without Kerr. He'd fallen into the good graces of an ancient family that would've made him their adopted diplomat. But being without a connection to Kerr and having nobody he deeply loved in his life... he'd had to find a way to deceive himself to keep his grief in check. He didn't like the idea but he knew it was possible (even likely) that he and Kerr would break up (again). They'd already done it and come back to each other. But Ben had suffered the loss of Kerr each time. As mismatched as they were, they'd delved too far into each other's souls to back out now without leaving a hole behind.
-
Kerr looked at Ben's profile, his heart swelling with love. He'd delved into very deep philosophical territories on this matter in their past and bad decisions (Hawaii) had come about when he'd believed his own hype and doubted himself. At that moment, it was the perfect thing for Ben to say to him. Even if he felt he should be replaced at times, the fact that Ben assured him he couldn't be mattered.
It would matter to him for as long as his life extended because he would always love Ben; he was pretty sure he could hate him and still have love for him somewhere in his body. Kerr reached across and took Ben's hand in his own, holding it reverently, gently, feeling somewhat unworthy. "I don't know who would be more relieved to hear that; me or Vincent," he joked, thinking fondly of the older vampire that Ben had trained with while he'd been 'dead'.
-
Vincent? Ben would've blushed at the name had he fed on the sheep. As it was, his eyes darted to Kerr and then faced the front again. He thought Owen would be more relieved to hear it than either of the older vampires. Vincent hadn't been the one that would've replaced Kerr, though. It would've been Charon... until the ancient tired of their little roleplay and stopped the pretence.
"He was sired by a lover," Ben said, having listened to Vincent's story with rapt attention. "And he sired his lover. While he understands torment, he is still gentle and caring. Forgiving. Nurturing. If he'd been my sire I would've walked all over him and he would've let me. He's not the kind of sire I need. I think I would've got on better with his sire. She sounded... wilder."
The picture Vincent had described of her had certainly painted her that way. Ben would never know if Vincent's idea of her was close to who she'd been. He had a suspicion that Kerr might describe him the same way.
-
Kerr mused on the cyclic nature of vampires siring their lovers. As a man sired for practical and/or devious purposes, he could attest that, no matter what, a bond would form between sires and fledges. Love was not necessarily the right reason to do it (nor was murder or revenge) but it was purer. Intent mattered. Caring mattered.
He chuckled, amused by the notion of Ben pairing himself with a 'wild' sire versus one he would walk all over. There were times he'd felt walked on by Ben so there was a sensation of sympathy towards Vincent but Kerr believed his superior would have rallied. Ben was a force to be reckoned with but his heart made him vulnerable and reachable. He was not a monster (anymore).
"Perish the thought," he teased, grinning at Ben in amusement. Sobering, his smile turned fond as he gazed at Ben. "Your gift, though, is that - as much as it pains me to admit because it means I'm not unique - you're highly adaptable. Sinfully clever. Wickedly astute. You'd adjust to any situation, any sire, and get out of them exactly what you need. You're an intoxicating mixture of innocent and experienced and no-one can resist you.
"While you feel I can't be replaced - and I definitely don't want to be - I feel you'd adapt out of necessity. It saddens me but also makes me very bloody proud to know that you're built to last and be self-sufficient. That's what they say is the secret horror of parenthood and I think it's the same for vampirism; your whole purpose is to train your offspring to not need you and success means making yourself obsolete. I treasure being needed by you."
He gave Ben's hand a squeeze and smiled adoringly at him, the impact of where they were walking sending pulses of insecurity and fear through him despite his best efforts to quell them. Talking with Ben, feeling love for him, being distracted by him... that was what was keeping him calm right now.
-
Ben beamed his pride until Kerr started speaking about 'secret horrors'. Ben gagged theatrically.
"Stop calling me your offspring and comparing siring to parenthood," he instructed. "I know there are some similarities but the differences are massive. You transformed me from an adult human into a young vampire, you didn't give birth to me."
-
Kerr snorted laughter despite his feelings to the contrary, just because Ben was so adamant about the matter. And because the image of him giving birth to Ben was hilarious.
"I suppose so," he conceded, still smirking. "Plus, incest isn't my thing. I really don't want to think of you like that when I'm fucking you. That's so wrong," he laughed again, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling a face of disgust that soon became a grin once more.
-
Ben's lips twisted as he considered a comeback that was fairly disgusting. Pushing it aside his mind grasped onto a different side of familial bloodlines.
"My human family isn't connected to me anymore. I don't have the same blood as them. I'm not even the same species as them."
He thought about his brother who'd come sniffing for money and had been happy to lay guilt-trips on him in order to get what he wanted. The memory tainted Kerr's earlier comment of being adaptable. Mick hadn't been particularly smart or diplomatic about his money-grubbing, but he probably hadn't realised he'd needed to be.
-
"Mmm," Kerr mused, wondering at Ben's viewpoint. "So you've cut all ties with them, in your mind? What about Arles?" he queried, thinking his co-sire was the same species as Ben and even shared his blood but he'd been absent so long. Did Ben consider him family?
-
"I don't remember him," he said, but there was a faraway look in Ben's eye. "By what I've seen in the movie-memories, it looked like I tried to be with him but I wanted you. He moved away not long after that."
Ben had considered seeking out the other sire connection after Kerr had 'died' but it had felt like a would be a betrayal. Maybe in time, if Kerr had remained dead, he might've followed that blood bond.
-
Kerr huffed a sigh that advertised his complete frustration with his former choices.
"I wanted you too but I was confused and Sawyl was fucking me up. I thought I was doing 'the right thing'," he said mockingly, using the hand not holding onto Ben's to add air quotes for emphasis. "I'm glad Arles is gone and I hope he never comes back. I regret everything about that time but... hindsight and all that," he huffed again, waving the topic away. It didn't help ease his frayed nerves to think about things that made him uncomfortable at the best of times.
"Did you ever consider visiting your parents again? To show them how successful you are? I did wonder, with all the election advertising, whether we'd hear from them out of the blue. I mean, it's absolutely their loss and it's good that their opinion doesn't matter to you any more but I would think it'd be sweet to..." Kerr broke off talking abruptly, the relish in his tone gone when he cleared his throat subtly and spoke next. "I think where we're going is putting me in a vindictive mood. Sorry," he apologised awkwardly.
-
Ben was surprised about the heated retort on Arles. The white-blond vampire had been introverted and kind, never saying a bad word about Kerr. He'd been a rather... blank... kind of fellow. It wasn't fair to judge him on the movie-memories alone. Ben couldn't glean any emotion out of them anyway. Even so, there seemed to be a polite nothingness between them. Only watching the sex stuff had there been any gamut of emotion.
Kerr rattled Ben by speaking about his parents. Really, he should be over it, but it still cut him deeply. Thirty, he was a thirty year old man now, in spite of his appearance. Apparently thirty-year-olds still had baggage about their parents. He hadn't realised the potency of their memory until Kerr ambushed him with it.
"Are we almost at the manor?" he asked. What would 400 years of separation do to his memory of his parents? Would it still hurt, even a little? Or would it just become like one of his movie-memories - something that had happened but he no longer had any emotional attachment to it?
-
Kerr sighed again. "Yeah," he relented, the word as drawn out as the breath that left him. They'd been walking slowly initially, back when they'd left the Galvin property but the pace had changed after their sheep discussion. The tension between them had hastened their pace and even without the conscious use of celerity, a vampire's agitated walking rate was much faster than a human's. It hadn't felt exceptionally fast but, looking around now, Kerr realised they were very close indeed.
"It's just up here, after the turn," he explained, pointing to a road branching off to the left of the one they were travelling down. It was where the farmland surrendered to what little woodland there was. Some things never changed.
The two of them fell into their thoughts then, though Kerr's grip on Ben's hand got subconsciously tighter as they reached the turnoff and followed along it for another couple of hundred metres. The driveway to the manor was a dirt road - as was the case to most properties in the area - and it wended its way through a great deal of shielding wilderness. It wasn't thick enough to be called a forest, for trees had been cleared to allow for grass to carpet both sides of the driveway, but it was rugged enough to constitute an excellent screen for the manor nestled within.
"This is it," Kerr mumbled when they came upon the driveway on their right. He looked both ways - even though no vehicles had passed them in this sleepy farm province the whole time - and led Ben across the road. A few metres in, there was a locked gate that they had no trouble scaling (Ben made it look somewhat absurd in his fashionable outfit) and then there was just the crunch of their booted feet as they followed an approach that Kerr remembered as being barely-there rutted cart tracks and hip-high weeds once upon a time. The way it looked now was definitely better maintained than it had been even those few years ago that he and Ben had visited and he began to get an even thicker feeling of trepidation in his gut.
After another five minutes of fast walking, Kerr's instinct was proved true when they topped the final rise of the driveway and were able to gaze upon the cluster of buildings that constituted the manor. It had been restored. The realisation brought him to a momentary halt and Ben with him. "Fuck," he said quietly, his gaze roving over the expansive complex. He shouldn't have been surprised but he was. The last time they'd been here had been over a decade ago and he'd found it highly satisfying to find the place crumbling into ruin. It had seemed a fitting end for a building filled with such horrific memories.
Now it looked even better than it had four hundred years ago. Someone had invested a lot of time and money repairing every shattered wall, every jagged step and every exposed room so that now it was an architectural delight nestled amongst beautifully manicured lawns and secluding wilderness. A delightful escape and sanctuary for an anonymous owner. The only positive he could find in that moment was that there were no lights on in any of the rooms, it was swathed in darkness. It was early enough in the evening that, if people were inside, they'd still be up and lights would be on so maybe they were out or the manor was only visited intermittently. A weekend escape type thing. Kerr had no idea what day of the week it was but he could hope it was a weekday.
"There might be people inside," he mused out loud, looking for signs of life. There was no car parked in the turning circle in front of the place but that didn't mean anything. There was a four-door garage off to the side that probably housed any visiting vehicles. "And, if not, it could be alarmed. This might not be such a good idea after all." There was a feeling of relief in saying so. Oh well, they came for a visit but the manor wasn't the broken-down house of horror that he remembered and he definitely couldn't defeat any alarm system he came up against with his flawless celerity and telekinetic abilities. Nope. They tried but failed. Time to go home. What a pity.
-
There was stillness for a moment as Ben listened to everything around them. Like Kerr, he'd noticed the maintenance on the grounds and had also scanned for clues whether the new occupants were home or not. Unlike Kerr he was willing to break in if they had the opportunity. He couldn't hear any movement inside, or see it in the darkened rooms within, which had some expensive-looking old-fashioned furniture that suited the house.
"You're right that nobody's home. I think a place like this would be alarmed, yeah. We should disable the phone line to the house before we cut the power just in case it's one of those alarms that call the police. I'm sure we'd be gone before they get here but I'd rather not be rushed."
Ben started moving forward to look for the phone line, knowing that it usually came out of the house near the garage and into the ground. He also figured the power box would be somewhere on the side of the house. He would try the left-hand outer wall first.
-
Kerr could only blink dazedly as Ben followed up his initial assessment with valuable information that Kerr would never have thought of. It all made perfect sense once Ben said it, of course, but even then, Kerr had no clue how to go about locating everything. "Good idea," he murmured as Ben set off to look for the phone line and power box. Clearly, they were going to stick around and deal with any issues that arose; Kerr forced himself to get comfortable with that fact as he followed after Ben. They were going in, not leaving. Okay.
He did his best to concentrate on what his lover was doing but he did a poor job of it. He was distracted by the exaggerated presence of the manor, finding himself standing stock still and gazing up at its corner towers like they held sacred messages to whisper to him (if only he could listen hard enough) more than once. Either Ben's voice hissing his name or an animal snapping a twig or rustling in nearby shrubbery would snap him out of it and then he'd hasten to where Ben was with renewed intent to focus.
It never lasted long. The memories of the house were more potent now that it had been restored. The new fittings and furnishings aside, the resurrected walls brought with them renewed feelings of oppression and fear.
When they finally got inside, the plush interior was overlaid with the spartan features of centuries-past in Kerr's eyes. He could remember walking upon these cold stone floors, hearing the thud of his own heartbeat echoing in his ears and off these brick walls. Well... not these exactly... telling himself that didn't make much difference, though. It wasn't different enough to bring any sense of comfort. These walls were just the same level of impartial and unbreakable as they had been when he'd been brought here as a mortal. They might as well have been the very ones to witness his death and rebirth.
"It happened here," Kerr said quietly, standing in the entryway with Ben by his side. "Sawyl had brought me here, for help, he said. But once I got inside he attacked me. I fell... " Kerr trailed off, staring down at the opulent floor runner that currently led away from the front door but seeing only the stones beneath. Had they been just stones or had there been a rug? He couldn't remember. It had all happened in a flash and afterwards... he didn't get out of the cellar often enough to recall.
He wished he could be calmer. He wished four hundred years was long enough to forget but it wasn't. He reached for Ben's hand and, in doing so, shared the memories replaying relentlessly in his head. It had been dark inside that night. Two vampires hadn't needed torches. The only light came from the open doorway at his back and Sawyl was a tiny missile shooting out of the darkness to his right, latching onto that side of his neck in starved fervour. The pain in his neck flared, the dimly-lit space around him spun and his heart threatened to choke him as he toppled.
As he fell, he saw the demon's face, looming in from the sitting room to the left, watching with glinting eyes. Angus was a hideous creature, as ugly as Wyl was beautiful. He had a pointed face, bat-like ears, beady black eyes and hairs sprouting all over the place - particularly from those huge ears. His lips were practically non-existent so his sharp, pointed teeth were clearly visible as he leered at Sawyl's actions with delight.
Kerr's memory went black because the dizzying vision of the older vampire and the shock of being attacked by a child that had twice his strength had overcome him and he'd passed out. When he awoke, he was latched onto Sawyl's wrist, drinking his blood like a crazed animal. Angus was staring at him, his elongated, gnarled fingers templed beneath his pointed chin as if he were observing a bug dying. The scene went black again, as Kerr had lost consciousness temporarily - though he must have kept drinking, somehow - and when next he awoke he was in agony as his body died during the transformation.
Once he watched it through three times, Kerr stopped the memory replay and forced himself to stay in the present, holding tightly onto Ben's hand and looking around himself unseeingly. "I still don't like being here," he announced needlessly, his rigid posture and clenched jaw telling that story on his behalf already. "All I really remember is the horror I felt at the brutality of being attacked, of having so much forced onto me against my will. This is where my nightmare began, though most of it happened in the cellar, after."
Kerr looked down, hoping Ben would tell him he'd heard and seen enough, that they could go, chalking this up to another one of Kerr's distant memories. He stared hard at the ground, willing his weakness to be over, already.
-
Love. Compassion. Guilt. They were all swirling inside of him at the pain he could see on Kerr's face and hear in his voice as he retold the story. Why had they thought coming here was a good idea? What point had they agreed on to take this risk of summoning a hurt long repressed?
"It's awful," Ben agreed, thinking of the religious bent of fear that Kerr's mind would have taken. Biblical demons to torment him and steal his soul. Would knowing the truth have made it any less horrifying? He suspected not. Crazed vampires with unknown motives were the same. "And you were with them for a long time. It would be like..."
He shrugged. There was no comparison, even though Themba had surfaced briefly in his mind. The ancient power and masochism were similar but that was all. Ben had never been confused and helpless; he'd had a form of control in his understanding of the situation and the ability to negotiate it.
"Do you want to go back home?" he asked softly.
-
Kerr turned to look at Ben, a frown dominating his features. "No, I... shouldn't it be easier by now? I mean... I've had four hundred years to adjust, it's... time, right?"
Troubled, he turned to look around himself, finally seeing what was there, in the present. It wasn't as intimidating when he wasn't remembering but it was difficult to maintain his focus. It hadn't been so bad when they'd been here last; he'd been enraptured by his new love for Ben, his infatuation buoying him through the experience of returning to this place. It had been near to ruin, too, the facade of it crumbling reassuringly.
He inhaled and held the oxygen inside lungs for a few moments, looking around one last time before he turned back to face Ben. "I'll be fine," he smiled, releasing his breath with the words. "Do you want to know anything in particular? Maybe... head towards the cellar?" he queried casually, steeling himself at the thought.
-
When Kerr spoke about it being time to get over it, Ben shook his head and drew closer to him. "I don't think there are fixed deadlines on this. You feel how you feel. I don't want you to force it because you said you 'weren't compelled either way'. I'm the one who made us come."
Ben had expected discomfort but the emotion that twanged along their bloodline was much sharper. It had a kind of stinging unpleasantness to it. It confirmed to Ben why Kerr was so fixated that vampires were not living creatures, why he held the irritating opinion that their bodies had died. Ben thought the idea came from Kerr's mortal superstitions and religious belief. Perhaps some of it did, but now he believed it had more to do with the way Kerr was sired. He wanted to believe they'd killed him rather than transforming him into something else.
He didn't know what good visiting the cellar would do. Kerr would likely only see his memory while Ben would only see whatever conversion had happened - probably a place to store wines.
His movie-memories revealed a more comfortable Kerr showing him around a decaying building. It wasn't hard to figure out it was the reconstruction that bothered him.
"You called your tormentors 'long-dead', but this place has come back to life," he said, wanting Kerr to understand that he knew what the problem was. The people who lived here - two of them, by their scent - were human and obviously wealthy. They'd become the manor's new heart but the skeleton and skin were enough to return his sire to his darkest time.
-
Kerr's mouth opened slightly and he marvelled at Ben, unable to express quickly how his love's astute statements affected him. He felt seen and comforted and it amazed him how easily Ben could do that. It was like he could tap into Kerr's heart and understand his motives with zero effort. Like he was made for him. He was truly his other half.
Realising he was gawping, Kerr shook his head slightly and smiled, blinking away the stunned feeling. "Thank you," he said quietly, aware that it wasn't really an appropriate follow-on from whatever Ben had said last but it was more important for him to express his appreciation than it was to keep up a cohesive conversation. As he spoke, he wrapped Ben in a bear hug, squeezing him briefly before releasing him. The feeling of connection and being understood still thrummed around them as he took a step back and looked around, attempting once more to assess their surroundings objectively.
"They were the worst sires," he mused. "I felt so bad, for so long, about killing Angus - even though he molested Sawyl, imprisoned me and killed my mother. I didn't want to be a monster like him yet the first thing I did was murder him. For Sawyl but because of him! It was so fucked up. Ugh, I'm so fucked up because of them!" he exclaimed, rubbing a hand across his hair agitatedly before turning to smile at Ben once more. "Welcome to where I died and was made and thank you for putting up with my shit. I wish this place was rubble but I guess it proves a point anyway. Everything can be broken down but come back stronger, given enough time and attention. Unless it's put down properly the first time."
His last words were muttered and sarcastic but truthful. He hadn't enjoyed confronting the truth of this place when coming back tonight but it was just a place. He and Ben would move on. The problem was that he now realised he'd never fully move beyond this place and that really sucked but he was strong enough to adjust. With Ben by his side, guiding and supporting him, he'd do it. They'd be fine.
-
Ben grinned within the bear hug and continued to smile at Kerr once released. He was pleased that Kerr got what he was saying, evidenced by the way Ben was thanked. Was it so rare that they communicated that effectively? No, but usually that level of conversation was helped along with telepathically sent emotions. This time words were enough. It was nice.
"Yeah, they were," Ben mumbled his agreement. He didn't understand Kerr's guilt for killing the monster that Angus was (just like he didn't understand Kerr's anger for Digital killing the monsters Sawyl and his mothers were), but then again, he'd not killed anyone with his own hands yet and hoped he never needed to. Wanting and wishing death upon someone was vastly different than performing the deed himself. His fantasies had come very close to reality after the election; he'd thought about a particular plan of action he could take, but veered away from it.
Once something like that happened, it could never be undone.
He forced himself back to the present, because he needed to be here for Kerr instead of wallowing in his own darknesses.
"Everybody's fucked up. Just in different ways," he said.
-
Kerr chuckled, enjoying the crass stamp of approval Ben put on him. "Truer words had never been spoken," he murmured, grinning at his love as he nuzzled his temple lovingly. He pulled back to continue talking, one arm about Ben's waist. "Though they can't excuse all ills. Love accounts for the rest, I suppose," he offered, amused by his own words. He was probably a terrible person for whitewashing every tragedy he'd been part of but there came a time where he had to move on and being flippant was merely the manifestation of some heavy thought and internalised guilt.
"Shall we get out of here? This pretty veneer still gives me the creeps and I'd much rather spend my time walking and making new memories with you." He turned them towards the front door and strolled in that direction as he spoke. His telekinesis had unlocked it after Ben had disabled the electronics so he made sure to lock it again before he used his mind to pull it closed behind them. Not that his fingerprints would've been on file anywhere, even if he'd left any. "Not that I don't appreciate your efforts at consolation, but do you find revisiting my history interesting? I worry that a place so out of the way and steeped in history - that hasn't, honestly, moved on all that much - will bore you to death," he mused conversationally as they headed away from the manor.
Kerr found the tension coiled in his belly loosening with every step they took.
-
"I like history," Ben said needlessly because Kerr knew that about him already. "Especially vampire history. I feel a kind of detachment when reading about human history now until I hear about what vampires had to do to deal with what was going on in society around them. Charon told me a few stories about Ancient Rome that helped me to better imagine it. And when you tell me about your history about living here, it's obviously a lot more interesting than books."
A thought occurred to him once he spoke about books. He'd buried his nose into so many books at the Oligarchy library. Kerr might think it strange but he'd used his movie-memories to re-read those texts. It was better second time around because he could play it at triple speed in his head, which alerted him to the fact he was capable of reading faster. Was that a kind celerity?
"Is there an Oligarchy or anything similar in Ireland? Or are they only in the big cities?"
Austria had been amazing but they hadn't talked to or checked in with any supernatural councils while they were in any of the cities there. If they had, would they have been able to hold Themba accountable for murdering him (if he hadn't had that last-minute change of heart)?
-
Kerr exhaled an appreciative breath when told Ben liked history. He supposed there was that impersonal label to be found here, though his focus was the 'my' part of things; this wasn't 'history' when it was his past they were reliving. Ben's perspective was one he needed to embrace, to compartmentalise himself away from the negativity. That said, he really liked the fact that his love found him interesting. It would keep him delving into the twisted places in his soul until that interest was gone. The things you did for love.
"Oh, man," he said when asked about an Irish Oligarchy. He'd contemplated introducing Ben to the world over here but the fact that he'd asked first still made Kerr feel a little panicky. It felt too soon. Ben was still vulnerable and he felt far too inadequate to the task. He had allies that were too few in number to make this task less daunting but... he was curious, too. He'd been gone twenty or so years but he'd been busy in that time and he highly doubted his run as Luminary had gone unnoticed, even this far away. Maybe he'd helped redeem himself, even if only marginally?
"The setup in Europe is pretty... er, bohemian I guess you'd say. It's the wild fucking west over here. There are pockets of power all over the place, it's not democratic like it is in the States. They're in the major cities, yes, but pretty much in every major city. There've been movements to create a single ruling council but none of them have succeeded, as far as I know. Most councils include representatives for whatever species is in the area but they're often ad hoc and if it's an itinerant species, the representatives fade in and out. Only the oldest councils remain set in stone, otherwise it's very messy. It's nothing for there to be multiple opposing councils vying for control of the one city, controlling all of Europe is a pipe dream. It would be a very powerful, extremely well-resourced and heavily-populated council that could take over."
Kerr laughed bitterly at his final statement, realising he'd gone off on a bit of a tangent and not properly answered Ben but it was the mindset he'd held when last he'd lived in Europe. All the convoluted power structures had just meant more headaches for him than he'd known what to do with, because every night Sawyl seemed to piss off a new bunch with new rules he'd have to make amends for. Sawyl had not been interested in mea culpa contrition, either.
"Halen could've done it. Maybe. Probably. I'd like to think so, anyway. A dragon would certainly have had more sway than the rest. Maybe that's what he was doing in America - firming up his seat of power before conquering the European radicals and pulling them into line. Fucking Lazarus," Kerr spat the ancient's name then sighed his way out of that train of thought. What could've been would never be now, there was no point lamenting.
"There are Irish councils, yes. I try to steer clear of all of them because they were the first ones Sawyl pissed off and they have very long memories. He was nothing if not thorough. Wherever we went, he and the twins broke someone's rules. We had to keep travelling because of it. A friend on an English council advised me to take him to the U.S. when the same patterns began repeating in England. The councils there were even less forgiving and they had a reputation to uphold. They were gunning for his death. Ironic, really." Kerr shook his head and smiled, able to be amused by Sawyl's insane antics now that he was finally dead and Kerr was no longer being tarred by his brush. His sire was born too late, really; he'd have done so much better in the really early days where the term 'civilisation' was as loose as his morals were.
-
As Kerr spoke candidly about his interaction with the multiple councils, Ben was drawn in completely. His attention laser-focused on Kerr's every word. The tidbits about Sawyl was a fascinating aside that better presented the information package Kerr delivered to Ben's ears.
"That is so odd," Ben breathed once Kerr said it all. "In all the extra thousands of years that Europe had to get their shit together, they've remained isolated from one another. You know, when you were in the portal, Charon had made noises about sending me to London as an ambassador for Sacramentum to keep their influence there. It's... I..." Ben frowned, conflicting memories overlapping with one another. "He didn't tell me about any of the other ones, just the one he was sending me to. They were a council of ancients in London, they called themselves Sovereigns. They're allies for Sacramentum. He said they've been on the lookout for 'respectful younglings' because they wanted young vampires but didn't want to deal with fledgelings. He said I would be perfect." Ben grinned proudly at Kerr before he shrugged and looked away. "When you came back you stopped those plans because I was no longer sire-less. I'd rather have you than fill the hole you left with anything else," Ben said quietly to the path before them.
-
Kerr squeezed Ben closer to his side and kissed his temple reverently, the sound of their footfalls and an occasional sheep bleat the only noises around them while he processed Ben's words. They'd lost a significant chunk of time thanks to that fucking portal; enough so that by the time he'd re-emerged, he'd almost lost Ben for real. That close call was something he preferred not to think about but when the truth of it was plonked between them with such casual ferocity, he was given no choice. It always made him emotional.
Afraid his voice might be thick with it, he cleared his throat before he spoke, relaxing his hold on Ben's waist so that they could walk more steadily side by side again. "I know of the Sovereigns. Despite being ancient, they're one of the few with a normal-sounding name. Most of them are named in pretentious Latin," he remarked offhandedly. A sharp laugh soon followed as he thought of Sacramentum et Res. He wondered idly if his slur would offend or amuse Charon, it was always hard to tell with that man. Perhaps he'd opt for amusement for Ben's sake, rather than his own.
"I only know about them because I made a... friend in another London council called Crucibilum Hominis - I told you, lots of Latin," he chuckled, hoping his little joke helped Ben overlook his awkward use of the term 'friend'.
Sidra hadn't been a friend really, but she'd become an ally when Kerr had taken advantage of her attraction to him in order to have her influence the trial Sawyl wasn't able to weasel his way out of. He'd been flattered by her affections and ashamed of his behaviour to help his sire but he didn't regret their interactions - beyond feeling guilty for using her, of course. She'd known exactly what he was doing and she'd allowed it because she'd liked Kerr. He'd never suppose to call her 'friend' to her face (or in her mental vicinity), though.
"She taught me lots of things about the councils that a vampire as young as myself shouldn't know," he explained with a conspiratorial smile. "Most of it was gossip; useful only for blackmail purposes. But that was twenty years ago." He looked down at Ben rather than watching the road ahead of them. "Don't tell me you want to get into European supernatural politics now? You're at a disadvantage thanks to your grand-sire so I don't know that we should put our toes in that water," he warned, making light of it even though the sentiment was genuine.
He worried. Immortal beings were very good at holding grudges.
-
"Oh, no, but it's better to pay respects to one of the councils whose territory we'll be encroaching on for their permission and protection," Ben replied in a fashion that was almost reciting as he remembered lessons given him from Sacrament. He had an odd feelings of being at Venture when told that particular nugget. Who'd he been talking to? He suspected either Jeanne or Hugh. Either face was interchangeable for him in his memory. "I thought they were partitioned councils rather than overlapping. I wasn't getting a lot of detail because Charon was..."
He trailed off, not wanting to remind Kerr that he and Charon had been fooling around playing house with Charon masquerading as Kerr. He supposed the idea wasn't too far away but he didn't know how comfortable Kerr was talking about that.
"Um... there was more talk about my being groomed for Europe than my actually being groomed." He'd been anxious about living with ancient beings again (because of Themba's nest) but the political bent calmed him when he considered it was more like the Oligarchy. "It didn't go that far but Charon did let slip a name of the vampire who was to be my guardian." He waited for Kerr's expression to guide him whether or not he should say it. He thought Kerr was interested so he divulged it. "Namri. He was the founder of the Tibetan Empire around the year 600."
Ben had at first been anxious and then excited that Charon had considered sending him to someone so important. It had been a surprise to discover that Namri was the youngest ancient in the Sovereigns. He'd wondered soon after if the council was called 'Sovereigns' because they'd all been royal at some point. He'd never voiced his question.
-
Kerr's teeth tapped around his tongue stud as he thought about Ben's proposal of fealty. His experience with councils had been vastly different; he'd done his best to scout around them and avoid them at all costs, rather than acknowledge their existence and stroke huge, ancient egos. He snorted when Ben stumbled over describing Charon's interests, understanding exactly why there'd been more talk than action. He'd been stringing Ben along, fully aware of Ben's lust and attraction to power, dangling the ultimate prize in front of him to distract him while he fucked his brains out. The man knew his carrots, Kerr would give him that.
"The councils are partitioned," he assured distractedly, frowning and nibbling as he imagined what sort of reception they'd get from this Namri character. Thank Charon he was no longer at every ancient's mercy but still... Namri was fourteen hundred years old? What sort of impression could they hope to make, grovelling their way in, wielding only Charon's name? "They're just... competitive and like to test boundaries. So... are you saying you want to go to London and seek out this Namri? Are you sure you don't want to just... stay under the radar like the other times we were here?"
Now Ben would know he'd deliberately kept them to themselves on their prior visits, even though he'd had two fledgelings and a dead sire he could've announced, if he'd had the desire. After doing his best to dodge their attentions for a century, he hadn't been motivated to do the opposite. Would Ben think him a coward?
-
"No, I... well, um, I mean..." Ben was uncharacteristically fumbling for his words. Kerr had challenged his idea for presenting themselves to one of the stronger councils. He remembered how Austria had been wonderful until that one terrible moment that Themba had made his presence known. Ben had stayed out of New York, out of his way. He had the understanding that should he cross paths with the African ancient again that he wouldn't be released. He might not even be taken in the first place, but it would be nice to fall back on someone powerful as a threat to Themba's good behaviour than Kerr, who Themba couldn't care less about.
They would have to have remarkably bad luck to run into the ancient vampire again on their second trip to Europe. Two for two? Surely not.
"If you think that's best, we can be discreet. My thinking was that we would introduce ourselves only because we're staying for a while rather than a short holiday. I was hoping to visit The Squire's Pipe in London. It was the Sacrament's first business. A safehouse for vampires to sleep, but they also had feeding rooms. Someone else owns it now but it's still a supernatural hotspot. I have a list of a few other places I'd like to see."
All vampire-related locations and he figured if they were going to be hanging around where vampires were going to be then word would get back to one of the councils about them.
"And I'd like to meet the vampire who Charon was going to send me to," he added like it was an afterthought but really it had been prevalent. "See what kind of person Charon was going to match me with." He would've trusted the ancient's judgment implicitly except he'd turned around and dropped Ben into Jake's lair as 'punishment'. Ben still wasn't sure if Charon had done it out of spite and jealousy or if he really had been mad at Ben's inability to be tactful and diplomatic. Ben never would be able to hold his tongue around Jake McCloud.
-
Kerr chuckled as Ben stumbled through an answer of 'no' but then essentially said 'yes'. Yes, he did want to meet Namri and present to some councils, he did want to dabble in the European supernatural political scene. Sure, it wouldn't be as boldly as trying to run a city but he couldn't help himself, Ben had to be annexed to power somehow. Kerr should be grateful it wasn't fucking Rae getting his attention but there were bound to be even bigger, stronger dicks in some of these councils. He shouldn't count his chickens.
Sighing heavily and allowing his laughter to die with the breath of air, Kerr shook his head as he marvelled at the irony of his life. "I had a sire that didn't give two shits about what any council said, ever, and only wanted to toy with humans night after night. And I've got a fledgeling that's the complete opposite, only dealing with a few, select humans when it suits him but wanting to get close to every council he can because he knows that's where the power's at. Hopefully Charon's name will be enough to get you through Namri's door, considering he didn't officially endorse you," Kerr warned, hoping Ben wouldn't be disappointed if they couldn't get an appointment.
"Your curiosity has provoked mine. I want to know what he's like now, too. When do you want to travel to London? Oh, but your friends are in our apartment, aren't they?" Kerr mused aloud, thinking the conundrum through. He was sure the pretty blond human and his boyfriend were staying indefinitely and Kerr had had some communication about them arriving from his caretaker so... should he and Ben buy somewhere new? Stick to a hotel? Share their own apartment?
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"Charon's name and your name," Ben said, not liking what Kerr had said about him being where the power was at but unable to deflect those words because they were true. He filled Kerr in on the headlines of his accomplishments because his sire's humbleness was getting in the way.
He stopped walking and tugged Kerr's hand so he would stop as well. Looking into Kerr's eyes and with his hand over Kerr's heart, Ben spoke.
"You were the Oligarch for a long time. Our city is famous for its leylines attracting huge supernatural numbers. After the trouble that Lazarus and Halwyn caused every supernatural political figure around the world looked our way. Halen and his Oligarchy cleaned it up because that's who Europe sent. By Romania, I think." He shook his head and shrugged, indicating that detail was unnecessary. He didn't know why he'd bothered to mention it. "Once our city got their attention they didn't look away just because the mess was cleaned up. Sacrament Et Res made a new home there as a backup. They were poised to take over at any sign of trouble but they kept their heads down because you were doing a good job. I doubt the current situation is looked at favourably, slicing the city up like it's fucking pizza."
In his absence he knew the Ward were ready to make big moves. He hoped they had momentum.
-
Kerr blinked, amazed by how much more Ben knew than he did. It took him a moment to process it all. So much for him thinking Halen might've been able to rule Europe, even he'd been a lackey? A fucking dragon?!
"Damn. Charon's good for way more gossip than I gave him credit for," he marvelled, his hands finding their way into his jeans pockets as he was complimented by Ben. Although it wasn't possible, there was a warm feeling emanating into his heart from Ben's hand upon his chest but it embarrassed him, too - hence the awkward joke rather than properly acknowledging Ben's words.
At what he perceived to be a pointed look from his love, Kerr sighed and relented. "Okay, I certainly hope that I gained some favour over here in my time as Luminary but I don't know if it's enough. Sawyl did a lot of damage. And I can't imagine me being in power when the Oligarchy fell was all that favourable, especially if they think I went into hiding or something while it was happening, rather than into another dimension," Kerr pointed out, deliberately not mentioning Ben's role in the Oligarchy's destruction. The Mimic demons were probably specifically summoned by Romania to be at Halen's side, too.
They should definitely strike Romania off their travel itinerary, just in case.
"I guess there's only one way to find out, though," he conceded, smiling a little at Ben. He was nervous but willing to give it a try and touch base with some councils in London. And other cities, too, although he didn't really feel like deviating to Dublin on the way. The Irish council were so hectic they always gave him a headache. "Hopefully they dislike Jake as much as we do and everything you tried recently counts as well, if they're still looking."
-
Kerr's flippant remark about Charon gossiping earnt him a light frown. It seemed disrespectful to dismiss the political lessons Ben got from the ancient patriarch as 'gossip'. He missed the joke entirely.
He didn't know what to say about Kerr's reappearance because he didn't know if Charon had sent word back to his contacts about it. The Oligarchy had fallen because the Oligarchs had divided the city up between themselves while the Luminary had been away. It didn't bode well for Kerr's ability to control them but it certainly proved that without Kerr at the helm, the city had plunged into a cacophony of squabbling supernaturals. And apparently, judging by the city central vote, the supernatural denizens enjoyed the chaos.
His mute anger returned and he turned away from Kerr, removing his hand and resuming their walk. His hand naturally slipped into Kerr's again.
"When I was living with Jake he mentioned the ancients a few times. He hates them because they don't treat him the way he thinks he deserves to be." Ben rolled his eyes. "He literally jokes about calling himself the Brat-Prince and still doesn't get it."
-
"Brat Prince?" Kerr echoed, his nose wrinkling. He hadn't heard Jake refer to himself like that - the Black Prince, yes, and even the notion of royalty was enough to make Kerr scoff - but it didn't surprise him.
"Jake's preposterous. And immature. I don't need a command buried in my brain to feel naturally terrified of ancients, yet he taunts them and demands respect when he's done nothing but prance around looking pretty and swinging his sword. He deserves to be ignored. I... what if they think we're a joke now?" Kerr asked worriedly, relieved that Ben's hand was back in his to stabilise him. The thought had only just occurred.
"I mean, the ley lines make the city powerful and it draws all kinds of supernaturals. It's a nexus too strong to overlook. The councils sent Halen and the Sacramentum once, if they're truly not happy they could do it again. As much as I want to see Jake suffer and order restored, I'm more worried about our greeting here and now. I don't want us to be regarded as failures or accomplices in what the city's become," he mused, his shoulders slumping as the doubts invaded his mind.
-
Ben was surprised that Kerr had turned his praise into something bleak. Was it a leftover from visiting the manor? Kerr's insistence on focussing on the negative wasn't like him; he usually bolstered Ben's confidence.
Ben attempted to do the same. "No, Halen was sent because the city was plunged in violence and chaos. Sacramentum was asked to come because Lazarus killed Halen. After you took over, nobody else came. I'm sure Charon sent back word that you were doing a good job. He was connected to a lot of groups, so news about your good work went everywhere." Ben listed them off by popping up fingers on his free hand. "The Circle. The Brotherhood. Sovereigns. The Patricians of Rome. Das Geschlecht. I can't remember all their names right now." He smiled at Kerr. "And those other, multiple, smaller councils with the pretentious Latin names."
-
Kerr laughed, the sound full-throated and appreciative. He resisted the urge to say something along the lines of 'so as long as Jake hasn't sparked destruction and chaos in our absence, we're golden' because he thought it would only upset Ben again.
Jake was still not an easy topic to discuss and Kerr much preferred his love teasing him and making him feel better about fronting up to some councils and hoping for a good response. With ancients, things could go so very, very wrong so quickly.
"Alright, so we're back to my other questions that you didn't answer. When do you want to go and where should we stay if your friends are in our place?" He swung Ben's hand a little, feeling lighter.
-
"We're not leaving Ireland just yet. There are a lot of things I'd like to see and do first. After we leave your Irish roots we can still check out other places, like Dublin and Belfast. I want to drink from someone who's drunk on Guinness. I know I can do that at Venture but it feels more authentic to do it here. And to kiss the Blarney Stone and cross the rope bridge at Carrick-a-Rede and visit Newgrange and see the Cliffs of Moher. There's a list on my laptop," he admitted with a sly grin.
The grin turned into a sexy albeit tiny smile when Ben thought about Harm. "Then we can go to the London apartment and visit Harm and his boyfriend, see if they're still there." He was pretty sure they would be because London had the job thing that would earn them extra money for expenses. Harm had blurted out all his Euro plans during their museum date that wasn't a date. "There are a lot of bedrooms in your London apartment, aren't there? We could share for a bit before moving on. It'll be fun."
-
Kerr's humour only grew as Ben listed off his Irish goals. He smiled and nodded along as Ben listed them off, pleased that they wouldn't be rushing towards any of the London councils just yet. It seemed they might have to negotiate a few Irish ones, though; Kerr suppressed his wince.
"I think there are four bedrooms, yes, but should we really intrude on their time together? I know how you like to toy with him, you won't get carried away and ruin their relationship, will you?" Kerr drawled, his tone playfully challenging.
He couldn't imagine the three of them - plus anyone else Ben decided he liked the look of and dragged home with them whenever he liked - would put Harm and his boyfriend at ease, especially if Ben's blatant attraction for the nurse was on display. They were probably monogamous. Merely the concept of Cain might be too much for them. Plus, it would feel more than a little disingenuous to have offered them a lovely place to stay only for them to crash the party when it was just beginning.
The whole concept made Kerr uneasy and he was looking for Ben to reassure him.
-
"It'll be fine," Ben said with an eyeroll and a smirk. He contained his laughter because he knew what Kerr was getting at and it was very likely that Ben would focus on Harm and cause tension between him and his boyfriend. "I won't let it get to a breakup."
-
At Ben's reassurance, Kerr quirked a skeptical eyebrow but when the (potential-but-totally-unlikely) breakup was mentioned, Kerr's expression became disapproving. "Don't even let it get close," he warned. "If they're monogamous and happy, you need to stay away."
Smirking, he stepped in front of Ben and cupped his cheek, threading his fingers through his hair. "Find some new playthings. Preferably not a council member that can take your head, though. I'm very attached to this head." He gave Ben's hair a tug for emphasis and leant down to press a soft kiss to his lips.
-
Kerr's words had a more sobering effect than he likely intended. After speaking about violent sires and thinking about New York so much, the taking of a head was too close to the reality Ben had faced. The seriousness leant into the kiss where he captured Kerr's lips to create something more than a light dalliance into a deeper and more fulfilling passion.
When they pulled back from one another, Ben's eyelids fluttered momentarily before he returned to walking. "We should get home soon so I can have a baggie."
The pushing down of his thirst was becoming less effective. Not because of time but because of the peculiar mix of stress and lust.
-
Kerr smiled, pleased that Ben was listening to him. "Let's go," he agreed, turning them both and hurrying towards home.