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Messages - Existentially Odd

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16
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 11, 2020, 10:19:41 PM »
Kerr could only blink dazedly as Ben followed up his initial assessment with valuable information that Kerr would never have thought of. It all made perfect sense once Ben said it, of course, but even then, Kerr had no clue how to go about locating everything. "Good idea," he murmured as Ben set off to look for the phone line and power box. Clearly, they were going to stick around and deal with any issues that arose; Kerr forced himself to get comfortable with that fact as he followed after Ben. They were going in, not leaving. Okay.

He did his best to concentrate on what his lover was doing but he did a poor job of it. He was distracted by the exaggerated presence of the manor, finding himself standing stock still and gazing up at its corner towers like they held sacred messages to whisper to him (if only he could listen hard enough) more than once. Either Ben's voice hissing his name or an animal snapping a twig or rustling in nearby shrubbery would snap him out of it and then he'd hasten to where Ben was with renewed intent to focus.

It never lasted long. The memories of the house were more potent now that it had been restored. The new fittings and furnishings aside, the resurrected walls brought with them renewed feelings of oppression and fear.

When they finally got inside, the plush interior was overlaid with the spartan features of centuries-past in Kerr's eyes. He could remember walking upon these cold stone floors, hearing the thud of his own heartbeat echoing in his ears and off these brick walls. Well... not these exactly... telling himself that didn't make much difference, though. It wasn't different enough to bring any sense of comfort. These walls were just the same level of impartial and unbreakable as they had been when he'd been brought here as a mortal. They might as well have been the very ones to witness his death and rebirth.

"It happened here," Kerr said quietly, standing in the entryway with Ben by his side. "Sawyl had brought me here, for help, he said. But once I got inside he attacked me. I fell... " Kerr trailed off, staring down at the opulent floor runner that currently led away from the front door but seeing only the stones beneath. Had they been just stones or had there been a rug? He couldn't remember. It had all happened in a flash and afterwards... he didn't get out of the cellar often enough to recall.

He wished he could be calmer. He wished four hundred years was long enough to forget but it wasn't. He reached for Ben's hand and, in doing so, shared the memories replaying relentlessly in his head. It had been dark inside that night. Two vampires hadn't needed torches. The only light came from the open doorway at his back and Sawyl was a tiny missile shooting out of the darkness to his right, latching onto that side of his neck in starved fervour. The pain in his neck flared, the dimly-lit space around him spun and his heart threatened to choke him as he toppled.

As he fell, he saw the demon's face, looming in from the sitting room to the left, watching with glinting eyes. Angus was a hideous creature, as ugly as Wyl was beautiful. He had a pointed face, bat-like ears, beady black eyes and hairs sprouting all over the place - particularly from those huge ears. His lips were practically non-existent so his sharp, pointed teeth were clearly visible as he leered at Sawyl's actions with delight.

Kerr's memory went black because the dizzying vision of the older vampire and the shock of being attacked by a child that had twice his strength had overcome him and he'd passed out. When he awoke, he was latched onto Sawyl's wrist, drinking his blood like a crazed animal. Angus was staring at him, his elongated, gnarled fingers templed beneath his pointed chin as if he were observing a bug dying. The scene went black again, as Kerr had lost consciousness temporarily - though he must have kept drinking, somehow - and when next he awoke he was in agony as his body died during the transformation.

Once he watched it through three times, Kerr stopped the memory replay and forced himself to stay in the present, holding tightly onto Ben's hand and looking around himself unseeingly. "I still don't like being here," he announced needlessly, his rigid posture and clenched jaw telling that story on his behalf already. "All I really remember is the horror I felt at the brutality of being attacked, of having so much forced onto me against my will. This is where my nightmare began, though most of it happened in the cellar, after."

Kerr looked down, hoping Ben would tell him he'd heard and seen enough, that they could go, chalking this up to another one of Kerr's distant memories. He stared hard at the ground, willing his weakness to be over, already.

17
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 09:23:31 PM »
Kerr sighed again. "Yeah," he relented, the word as drawn out as the breath that left him. They'd been walking slowly initially, back when they'd left the Galvin property but the pace had changed after their sheep discussion. The tension between them had hastened their pace and even without the conscious use of celerity, a vampire's agitated walking rate was much faster than a human's. It hadn't felt exceptionally fast but, looking around now, Kerr realised they were very close indeed.

"It's just up here, after the turn," he explained, pointing to a road branching off to the left of the one they were travelling down. It was where the farmland surrendered to what little woodland there was. Some things never changed.

The two of them fell into their thoughts then, though Kerr's grip on Ben's hand got subconsciously tighter as they reached the turnoff and followed along it for another couple of hundred metres. The driveway to the manor was a dirt road - as was the case to most properties in the area - and it wended its way through a great deal of shielding wilderness. It wasn't thick enough to be called a forest, for trees had been cleared to allow for grass to carpet both sides of the driveway, but it was rugged enough to constitute an excellent screen for the manor nestled within.

"This is it," Kerr mumbled when they came upon the driveway on their right. He looked both ways - even though no vehicles had passed them in this sleepy farm province the whole time - and led Ben across the road. A few metres in, there was a locked gate that they had no trouble scaling (Ben made it look somewhat absurd in his fashionable outfit) and then there was just the crunch of their booted feet as they followed an approach that Kerr remembered as being barely-there rutted cart tracks and hip-high weeds once upon a time. The way it looked now was definitely better maintained than it had been even those few years ago that he and Ben had visited and he began to get an even thicker feeling of trepidation in his gut.

After another five minutes of fast walking, Kerr's instinct was proved true when they topped the final rise of the driveway and were able to gaze upon the cluster of buildings that constituted the manor. It had been restored. The realisation brought him to a momentary halt and Ben with him. "Fuck," he said quietly, his gaze roving over the expansive complex. He shouldn't have been surprised but he was. The last time they'd been here had been over a decade ago and he'd found it highly satisfying to find the place crumbling into ruin. It had seemed a fitting end for a building filled with such horrific memories.

Now it looked even better than it had four hundred years ago. Someone had invested a lot of time and money repairing every shattered wall, every jagged step and every exposed room so that now it was an architectural delight nestled amongst beautifully manicured lawns and secluding wilderness. A delightful escape and sanctuary for an anonymous owner. The only positive he could find in that moment was that there were no lights on in any of the rooms, it was swathed in darkness. It was early enough in the evening that, if people were inside, they'd still be up and lights would be on so maybe they were out or the manor was only visited intermittently. A weekend escape type thing. Kerr had no idea what day of the week it was but he could hope it was a weekday.

"There might be people inside," he mused out loud, looking for signs of life. There was no car parked in the turning circle in front of the place but that didn't mean anything. There was a four-door garage off to the side that probably housed any visiting vehicles. "And, if not, it could be alarmed. This might not be such a good idea after all." There was a feeling of relief in saying so. Oh well, they came for a visit but the manor wasn't the broken-down house of horror that he remembered and he definitely couldn't defeat any alarm system he came up against with his flawless celerity and telekinetic abilities. Nope. They tried but failed. Time to go home. What a pity.

18
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 08:34:51 PM »
Kerr huffed a sigh that advertised his complete frustration with his former choices.

"I wanted you too but I was confused and Sawyl was fucking me up. I thought I was doing 'the right thing'," he said mockingly, using the hand not holding onto Ben's to add air quotes for emphasis. "I'm glad Arles is gone and I hope he never comes back. I regret everything about that time but... hindsight and all that," he huffed again, waving the topic away. It didn't help ease his frayed nerves to think about things that made him uncomfortable at the best of times.

"Did you ever consider visiting your parents again? To show them how successful you are? I did wonder, with all the election advertising, whether we'd hear from them out of the blue. I mean, it's absolutely their loss and it's good that their opinion doesn't matter to you any more but I would think it'd be sweet to..." Kerr broke off talking abruptly, the relish in his tone gone when he cleared his throat subtly and spoke next. "I think where we're going is putting me in a vindictive mood. Sorry," he apologised awkwardly.

19
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 08:18:45 PM »
"Mmm," Kerr mused, wondering at Ben's viewpoint. "So you've cut all ties with them, in your mind? What about Arles?" he queried, thinking his co-sire was the same species as Ben and even shared his blood but he'd been absent so long. Did Ben consider him family?

20
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 08:08:58 PM »
Kerr snorted laughter despite his feelings to the contrary, just because Ben was so adamant about the matter. And because the image of him giving birth to Ben was hilarious.

"I suppose so," he conceded, still smirking. "Plus, incest isn't my thing. I really don't want to think of you like that when I'm fucking you. That's so wrong," he laughed again, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling a face of disgust that soon became a grin once more.

21
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 07:55:43 PM »
Kerr mused on the cyclic nature of vampires siring their lovers. As a man sired for practical and/or devious purposes, he could attest that, no matter what, a bond would form between sires and fledges. Love was not necessarily the right reason to do it (nor was murder or revenge) but it was purer. Intent mattered. Caring mattered.

He chuckled, amused by the notion of Ben pairing himself with a 'wild' sire versus one he would walk all over. There were times he'd felt walked on by Ben so there was a sensation of sympathy towards Vincent but Kerr believed his superior would have rallied. Ben was a force to be reckoned with but his heart made him vulnerable and reachable. He was not a monster (anymore).

"Perish the thought," he teased, grinning at Ben in amusement. Sobering, his smile turned fond as he gazed at Ben. "Your gift, though, is that - as much as it pains me to admit because it means I'm not unique - you're highly adaptable. Sinfully clever. Wickedly astute. You'd adjust to any situation, any sire, and get out of them exactly what you need. You're an intoxicating mixture of innocent and experienced and no-one can resist you.

"While you feel I can't be replaced - and I definitely don't want to be - I feel you'd adapt out of necessity. It saddens me but also makes me very bloody proud to know that you're built to last and be self-sufficient. That's what they say is the secret horror of parenthood and I think it's the same for vampirism; your whole purpose is to train your offspring to not need you and success means making yourself obsolete. I treasure being needed by you."

He gave Ben's hand a squeeze and smiled adoringly at him, the impact of where they were walking sending pulses of insecurity and fear through him despite his best efforts to quell them. Talking with Ben, feeling love for him, being distracted by him... that was what was keeping him calm right now.

22
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 06:41:47 PM »
Kerr looked at Ben's profile, his heart swelling with love. He'd delved into very deep philosophical territories on this matter in their past and bad decisions (Hawaii) had come about when he'd believed his own hype and doubted himself. At that moment, it was the perfect thing for Ben to say to him. Even if he felt he should be replaced at times, the fact that Ben assured him he couldn't be mattered.

It would matter to him for as long as his life extended because he would always love Ben; he was pretty sure he could hate him and still have love for him somewhere in his body. Kerr reached across and took Ben's hand in his own, holding it reverently, gently, feeling somewhat unworthy. "I don't know who would be more relieved to hear that; me or Vincent," he joked, thinking fondly of the older vampire that Ben had trained with while he'd been 'dead'.

23
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 05:00:46 PM »
Kerr was fascinated, lost in thought as he trailed after Ben and tried to imagine turning his own powers inward to lessen his impulses. Coming from a background of impulse-embracement, it would never have been a concept that entered his mind at such a young age. He didn't judge his bohemian upbringing as superior to Ben's but he definitely appreciated their differences more when the fact of them was laid in front of him in such a manner.

Silence stretched between them after Ben finished speaking and it was because Kerr needed time to gather his thoughts to respond. "I... that's amazing," he marvelled, frowning at the road they'd begun walking on again and shaking his head in wonderment. "It's not anything I've tried before but it sounds like a great pre-cursor to levitation. That's just you turning telekinesis back on yourself so... I wonder if you'll find that easier, because of this, or will it be unrelated? It seems to me like they're both about imposing your powers on yourself for effect so it should work. It's just... you're still so young, really! Even to be able to affect yourself with Will, that's amazing."

He was repeating himself now and it was probably boring but Kerr couldn't help feeling awed by his fledgeling. To an outsider, it would seem so minor but the mental fortitude such a feat took was no easy thing to conquer. His thoughts were swiftly taken over by a sensation of inadequacy once more, compounded by the thought of their destination.

"Sometimes, I think you're a better sire to yourself than I am," he said, issuing an offhanded laugh with the statement that just sounded awkward to his ears. It was hard to make light of a genuine concern he held deep in his heart.

24
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 04:27:33 PM »
Ben's reaction surprised Kerr and he immediately regretted it. He'd made a mistake but... he couldn't help doing it and he couldn't take it back now.

As much as he was cognitively aware that his own rigidity about the sheep slaying had closed Ben off, he couldn't bring himself to backtrack and explain. It wasn't about the sheep. It was about losing his moment to be a decent sire right before he was about to visit the place where his life had ended and he'd learnt everything about being a bad one. He was nervous. He wanted to guide Ben, not smother him and his fledge not taking his advice seriously had annoyed him too much.

He was being too much again. He knew it. He just couldn't stop it. And now Ben was upset with him and no longer willing to listen. Right now he felt he was no better a sire than Sawyl had been but he didn't want to give up completely. Ben's thirst had been potent yet drinking was now a 'stupid idea'? That didn't seem right... yet Ben seemed outwardly calm about it.

"Just like that? You're not thirsty? How do you do that?" Kerr asked, sincerely curious. He was risking Ben blowing up at him but he needed to know if he was reading this situation correctly. Could a vampire as young as Ben have such control over his thirst?

25
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 10, 2020, 01:55:57 AM »
Kerr's eyes narrowed progressively as Ben's humour grew. He was huffy about having his cautionary tale mocked, though Ben appeared to try to hold it in... until he couldn't and it all came spilling out of him in undignified laughter.

"Shut up!" Kerr hissed, swatting Ben's arm with an open palm. His ire only seemed to make his lover's laughter more robust and Kerr scowled at him in dismay. "It was awful! You'd feel guilty too, if it happened to you," he pouted. "So are you going to grab a sheep now?"

The less time they spent dwelling on exploding sheep, the better, in Kerr's opinion.

26
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:43:17 PM »
At Ben's final question, Kerr's mouth pressed into a straight line and a frown creased his forehead before he deliberately dropped the expression. Damnit. They were getting off track and it wasn't a place he particularly wanted to revisit. He cleared his throat subtly, his gaze sliding away from Ben's and landing on the sheep before them.

"Well, the first time... yes. I tried to find a thought I could control, move the sheep towards me against its will but it just... it sort of twitched - like a gambolling lamb, you know? - jumped up in the air and then blood and brains flew everywhere. Exploded through its eye sockets and ears. Splattered me and then it just fell down dead." Kerr's hands threaded together, thrust upwards and then flew apart from each other in mimicry of the long-ago sheep's brain.

His jaw clenched as he rallied himself to admit the rest of it, dreading Ben's censure. It embarrassed him that he'd killed not one sheep but two all because he had to be sure of what happened. "I tried it again a few months later. I was better at mind penetration by then and-- I mean, they're simple animals. Dumb, like I said. There wasn't anything I could make sense of so I imposed my will on it, you know? It just... the same thing happened. It was definitely me," Kerr admitted, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

He couldn't bring himself to look Ben in the eye. "I killed two sheep because they couldn't handle mind control. I stopped trying to control animals after that. It was awful," he declared, nose wrinkling, lip curling and a shudder rolling across his shoulders.

27
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:02:15 PM »
Kerr chuckled at Ben's desire to learn about sheep wrangling. It was kind of absurd - considering how well-provided-for the two of them were, with their fridge full of human blood and their home occupied by willing donors - that their night should feature such a lesson... but it was endearing, too. Ben didn't want Kerr to coddle him but here was an opportunity to share his knowledge. It was an obscure topic, to be sure, but it made Kerr strangely proud to be able to impart the wisdom of his experience upon his fledgeling. He finally felt like a useful sire. Impart, he would.

"Okay," he agreed, his voice automatically lowering as he stepped towards the nearby fence and held the wires apart for Ben to climb through. Once he was afforded the same courtesy and had entered the sheep paddock with Ben, Kerr's quiet steps and muffled instructions resumed. "The thing about sheep is that they're dumb. Pretty easy to get your hands on because they're used to being handled with the shearing. Getting them into that pose is the best to quell them to drink from, too; they're trained into going docile as soon as they're on their backs."

Kerr paused a few metres away from the huddled flock, trying to decide which would be the best to nab. "You'll want an outside one. Easiest to get to, better chance of dragging it away and not disturbing the rest. You'll want to approach swiftly and get your target into position straight away. The rest are going to wake up scared and make a hell of a racket but they won't go too far. You'd get a second chance, if you need it. Not like a cow. A cow'll kick you in the balls and run 'til she sees home, stopping for no-one. Sheep are stupid and they'll hang around to see if maybe they should line up for a turn, rather than running away." He shook his head disapprovingly, communicating silently that he'd seen sheep participate in some very non-life preserving antics in his years.

"You can't control them mentally, either, just in case you were considering trying it. Their brains aren't built for human interference and just trying it will make them explode. Literally. It can get very messy," the sire advised sagely, remembering back to one of his earlier, arrogant experiments but not expanding on the story because Ben was thirsty and he didn't need to be lectured. "Now, have you seen the pose I'm talking about? The shearing position? Or do you need me to demonstrate first?" he enquired, ready to stride forward and flip a sheep for his love's benefit. Ben was a city boy. Kerr highly doubted he'd know what he was talking about but he wasn't going to insult his fledge by pushing forward without doing him the courtesy of asking.

28
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 09, 2020, 01:40:19 AM »
Kerr became lost in the kiss quickly, though he didn't seek to advance it, content to follow at the pace Ben set. When it broke and he realised that Ben was thirsting far more deeply than he'd seemed to be back at the house, a flare of annoyance had to be quickly squashed. The blood they had in the fridge would have been much easier and cleaner to heat and ingest... but there was something terribly alluring about a predatory Ben, too. Annoyance was swiftly replaced with forgiveness.

"Uh... nothing big," Kerr murmured, forcing his senses to open up to the area around them. Although there were some forested areas around them, they were sparse and not populated by deer. Red deer were generally only found in large-range, dedicated national forest areas these days. Domesticated animals were the most common in this area. "There might be some stoats... " he mused, looking towards a wilder, wooded area up ahead of them.

"One of those sheep is your best bet, right now, though," he grinned, gesturing towards a flock slumbering nearby. They were huddled together for warmth and Kerr knew from experience that wading amongst them to feed from one could cause a wave of panic that everyone in the district would hear, if they weren't careful. "Sheep are what I fed on as a young vampire. The curse of being made in farmland," he chuckled, his eyes glinting at Ben with amusement. "You want me to get one for you, my love?"

He batted his eyelashes for effect, enjoying the feeling of flirting with his man.

29
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 08, 2020, 12:23:52 AM »
Kerr tried an affronted expression when he was called a weirdo but it lasted all of a second before he burst out laughing, his head thrown back in delight. He didn't know if he was weird - he thought not - but he couldn't dismiss it because it was Ben's opinion. A four hundred year old was bound to be perceived as weird by someone so much younger, no matter what. The fact that Ben and he were so different only compounded the effect.

Arms being wrapped about his neck snuffed his mirth and returned a serious demeanour to Kerr. He danced to a halt and automatically placed his hands on Ben's hips, enjoying holding him close in the crisp air, listening to him with tilted head. The expression of thanks was heartfelt and touched Kerr in the same way, the recognition appreciated.

"You're welcome," Kerr returned with a gentle smile. "Thank you for giving me a chance - many chances, really - to be here by your side. I'm not very good at listening but I'm trying to be better at it. I'm grateful for your patience." He kissed Ben's lips as if he was putting a full stop on his sentence.

30
† OUT OF THE CITY † / Re: Reconnection
« on: December 07, 2020, 12:23:07 AM »
Cain shifted towards Ben, the mention of blood lighting his beautiful eyes in a manner Cain was compelled to respond to. He smirked when told Ben would drink the next night because the hungry way the young vampire looked implied he'd drink from the mortal. It had been too long. There were blood bags in the fridge, brought with them from the States, but Ben looked keen to pierce Cain, which he was very grateful for.

In fact, the notion sent a shiver of anticipation down his spine and caused a tingle in his pants. Maybe they were doing their own thing tonight but Cain definitely got the impression that he wouldn't be left to his own devices the next night. He couldn't wait. Suddenly, having this to think about and an empty house all to himself didn't seem like a punishment at all. It would be more like a playground.

Ben urged Kerr to get going and Cain knew that his time with them was up.

"Awesome," he murmured inanely, his mismatched blue eyes glinting happily at his masters. He pressed himself fully against them, wrapping his arms around their bodies and drawing them close in a tight hug. His hands roamed their backs in brief, soothing circles and the friction against his front felt nice, giving him plenty to think about once he was alone.

Kerr returned Cain's hug with a similar level of intensity before the mortal wisely stepped back and grinned at them. "Sleep well," Kerr ordered as his grip on Ben's hand shifted and he dragged him towards the front door.

"Feel free to wake me. If you come back and... y'know," Cain purred with a wink, drawing a snort of amusement from Kerr as he stepped out of the centrally-heated house and into a cold, clear night. He paused to allow Ben enough time to pull the door closed behind them before they set off down the dirt road that led from the house to the bitumen-covered one that passed the property.

He looked up as they went, inhaling loudly through his nostrils. "Gods I love the stars here. Nothing beats this sky," he mused, voice tinged with awe. "I want to get there and explore but I can't bring myself to do it and miss the show up there," he murmured, enraptured by the spray of lights twinkling far above their heads. It was a simple delight but a view Kerr had gazed upon innumerable times growing up. He couldn't shake the sensation of being watched by them, though it was a comforting gesture. Weird.

"Are you okay if we don't run?" he queried, certain Ben wanted to get there and spend their time exploring the manor ratther than on the journey getting there but unable to pull his gaze away. He turned to look at Ben, bathed in starlight and the glow of the moon, and fell just a little bit more in love with him. He looked like poetry and sonnets in motion; what Kerr felt in that moment was definitely what all the great authors channelled when they wrote their most epic of drafts. "I love you," he added, almost like he'd been asked his feelings.

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