Loose Ends

[Existentially Odd]

He paused a few metres away from the door, licking his lips, looking up and down the street hesitantly - like a burglar making sure he wasn\'t seen by the neighbours.  He wasn\'t there to burgle anything however, he was merely seeking answers, to questions that burned in his breast like hot embers in a fireplace, scorching him into discomfort, pain and anxiety.

He looked back at the elegant home of Declan Carey - his own Vampire Oligarch - and swallowed nervously.  He could detect no mortal thoughts within the building, even now that he was closer than he\'d dared come for the past six or seven months.  He\'d visited the establishment most weeks, staying hidden in the shadows across the road and pressing in on the walls of Declan\'s estate with all the power his four hundred year old mind could muster.  Always before now, he\'d felt Ben there... Ben and Declan, and so he\'d never been game enough to do any more but touch, knowing that he was as likely alerting the vampire to his presence as he was getting his answers, but not particularly caring.

Ben would never have felt him and so he\'d supposed that even if the Oligarch had (for he had no idea how strong the man was mentally), it was this fact that had avoided negative repercussions and allowed him to visit continually.  Standing, watching, questing gently with his mind and yearning foolishly, just as he did opposite Mandy\'s apartment building.  With her, there was no danger and more understanding, for they\'d spoken after the trial and their relationship was in her hands.  His mortal donor - pet - was nothing of the sort, however, and a reunion with him was thrice as desired because of it.

Since Tag had come into his life, things had gone slightly... awry.  Kerr wasn\'t able to \'visit\' with Mandy or Ben as regularly as he would have liked, for Tag demanded all of his attention in tutelage (and protection from Sawyl).  Lately, the shifter had attained a level of independence that had at first left Kerr bereft, but eventually relieved, as he concluded that Tag was now able to mingle quite civilly amongst the populace at large.  He\'d spent some nights out - which was still a concern - but always managed to find his way safely home, so Kerr wasn\'t too worried (he was fairly certain that he\'d caught the scent of sex hanging about the shifter once or twice but hadn\'t yet managed to figure out how to talk about it beyond flippantly instructing Tag on how to use a condom to prevent diseases, in amongst a swathe of other social lessons).

The tongue stud piercing his tongue was worked overtime by his teeth as he stared thoughtfully at the tidy door ahead of him... pondering... berating himself for being away too long.  It had been close to a month, he reckoned; Ben could\'ve been gone for as long as that

though why wouldn\'t he come and see you, eh?  Because he blames you?  Hates you for causing him to be imprisoned here?  Probably.  He\'s gone as far and far away from you as he could get.  Or perhaps he\'s a vampire now, you don\'t know; he was with Declan long enough, he would\'ve asked - he asked you after about half an hour, don\'t forget.  He could be anywhere... alive or not... fuck, maybe Declan just got tired of him and killed him.  Maybe.  Fucking go up and knock and find out, you idiot

or as little as a day.  There was only one way to find out.

Kerr stepped up to Declan\'s door and looked for a bell or a button or somewhere to knock, intent on alerting the vampire within to his presence in whatever form was obviously preferred.  His mind yammered at him as he did, hundreds of questions that merely chased the tail of the one before it swirling about as he forced himself not to press out with his mind, not to impolitely tear into his Oligarch\'s thoughts, not to batter the door down with his large fists... until he\'d given the man the courtesy of answering, at the very least.

If he found out that Ben was dead, it was unlikely he\'d prevent himself from tearing into Declan in every way he could, however... and the thought was as exhilirating as it was terrifying.

He lowered his hand to the lapel of his double-breasted suit jacket, having buttoned it firmly over the red silk shirt and bottom of the black tie with red flecks he\'d dressed in before leaving the house that night.  He had time to glance down at the shiny black dress shoes on his feet when, quite suddenly - at least, it seemed that way to the vampire whose mind was a seething ocean of turmoil and doubt - the door opened.  He was thrown momentarily at how slight the other vampire was up close (he\'d seemed more imposing at the trial... but it would have been the circumstances, he supposed), how much shorter than he, how attractive.  He blinked down into aquamarine eyes and his mouth worked before his brain even got a chance to engage.  "Where\'s Ben?" he demanded gruffly.

He supposed it to be succinct enough, in the end.

[MementoMori]

With his leather clad legs stretched out before him, Declan Carey was lounging on his plush sofa when Kerr paused in front of his door. From the looks of things he was engrossed in an antique book on of his contacts had managed to get ahold of for him. The title read \'Le Fantôme de l\'Opéra.\' He\'d always had a bit of a fondness for older classical literature.
 
So Kerr is back again. That\'s the third time this week. He has become rather persistant in his efforts of seeing Ben. It\'s too bad that he is too late.

Closing the book with a snap, he next stood back up with a cat-like stretch. Since it was a matter of time before Kerr knocked on his door. All of the other\'s earlier visits or rather snoopings had been building up to this. After all he couldn\'t really blame him for wanting answers given the way things ended during the trial.
 
Though it still surprised him a little bit that it took him this long to come there in order to confront him over Ben, considering Ben\'s feelings for the man. He would have thought that he had had the guts to come and face him earlier to try and find a way to get him back. During Ben\'s imprisonment, Kerr seemed to dominate the boy\'s thoughts, even when he had done his damnest to make him think otherwise.
 
Hearing the knock, he smirked a bit. "Right on schedule." he murmured softly underneath his breath as he set the book on the coffee table. He then walked over to the door and turned the knob gracefully.
 
"My, my I was beginning to wonder when you would show up, Kerr?" he said, seeing how the taller man had chosen to dress up for this meeting. He had to admit that he was attractive in a roguish sort of way. It was not something he always found appealing but it was a look that seemed to suit Kerr. "Won\'t you please come in and we\'ll talk." he said politely, opening the door a bit further. "Oh don\'t look so glum. He\'s alive and unharmed."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked at the politeness that was demonstrated to him, momentarily lost for words.  It was quite an unexpected turn of events, shocking him into silence even while it spurred him into action.  Instinctively, he moved through the open doorway and then paused to watch Declan, intent on following him wherever he led, sitting wherever he was instructed (no doubt on the edge of his seat) in order to get answers.  He thought he smelled Ben once he was in the foyer and had to force himself to concentrate beyond such distractions.

It didn\'t take too long for him to process that the other obviously had known he was loitering around his home these past months, because of the way he declared he\'d been wondering when the native Irishman would show up.  Like he knew about all the other times... well, of course he had, that wasn\'t unusual.  What was unexpected was Declan\'s congenial manner - he didn\'t seem perturbed in the slightest that he\'d been stalked, he acted almost like it had been expected.  The attitude could have been construed as condescending - the redhead did have the power of the Oligarchy behind him, after all, and their support for all of his actions - but it wasn\'t portrayed that way.  He spoke of Kerr\'s presence (and, in effect, his idiotic behaviours prior to this moment) as if it was all perfectly natural and troubled him about as much as water bothered a duck.

As he had got the once over when standing outside, he looked the other vampire up and down more closely once he was inside, interested in the leather pants - not just because of the way the other moved so gracefully in them, either.  Another surprise.  Kerr associated such garments with entirely modern fashion, rock stars and media personalities, not at all the image he had of an Oligarch.  He was fairly certain that Declan was younger than he, but he couldn\'t tell by how much, simply that the other man\'s blood was not as aged as his, so he supposed such mortal trappings were comfortable for him.  The elder also wondered if the redhead\'s flamboyant attire would be reflected in his conversation.

"Alive... but not here?" Kerr pressed, unable to hold his tongue until he was positioned appropriately.  His words weren\'t angry but they were perfunctory because he hadn\'t been met with hostility and therefore saw no reason to toy with words.  "Why was he released?"

[MementoMori]

Declan inwardly smirked slightly at Kerr\'s shocked silence. He must have thought that he was going to either yell at him or throw him off his property. It was quite an amusing notion. After all why use vinegar when one could get a whole lot more cooperation with honey. As soon as the other had moved through the doorway, he shut it quietly and led him over towards the living room, sitting down in a plush black chair. He was a image of leisurely grace in a dark purple silk shirt and leather. "Please sit." he said softly, watching how the elder of the two\'s nostrils flared a little as they caught Ben\'s scent.
 
After Ben had left, he had heard through the grapevine that Kerr had been given a new pet of sorts by the Oligarchy. It was a shifter if he remember correctly. It was a pity that Ben had cared so much for him. He could imagine just the way Ben would have looked if and when he found it out. Beautiful features twisted with betrayal and heartbreak with tears shimmering in his sky blue eyes.
 
"Now, now don\'t be so impatient." he said softly, crossing one slender leg over the other. "I can understand your concern for the boy under the circumstances." he said, studying the other\'s classical influenced tastes as evidenced in his pantsuit and very shiny dress shoes.
 
"Oh, very well. You are correct. He is alive but not here." Declan told him. "I released him from my service because I grew bored with him. And I did not wish to destroy such spirit unless I had to, but make no mistake he did serve his time." he said, "Did you know that his thoughts were always of you?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr sat as instructed, thrown anew by how very casual Declan was being, how elegantly he sat and spoke.  It was far from what he\'d expected, certainly.  His position on (the edge of) a matching chair opposite, gave Kerr an excellent view - and no doubt afforded Declan the same as his expression shifted from a frown of confusion and consternation to one of open-mouthed shock.  If he hadn\'t already been alabaster from lack of blood, he would have paled significantly in that moment.

"A-always of... me?" he eventually managed, blinking rapidly as if the action would help process his thoughts a little faster.  "What do you mean \'always\'?" he added, hope, embarrassment and pain colouring his tone, some strain evident.  All thoughts of scoffing at the fact that Declan had grown \'bored\' with Ben, and demanding to know exactly how long ago he was released, had flown suddenly from Kerr\'s mind.

[MementoMori]

((I\'m so so sorry about taking so long in replying. I have been really busy. *bows apologetically.*))
 
"What I mean by that is he would dream and wake up with your name on his lips when I called on him. Yours was the voice he hoped to hear when he needed comfort." Declan said smoothly, watching as Kerr\'s jaw dropped for a moment, noting the pain and hope in his tone of voice. This was starting to get a little amusing the way he had surprised the older vampire and his reaction, but he would be good oligarch and not make fun.
 
"Here let me put it another way. I believe he was in love with you, but knew that you couldn\'t give him all of what he wanted.You see he wanted you with no other strings attached no matter how unlikely it was to happen." he said, leaning forward in his seat, "Does that help to clear things up?"

[Existentially Odd]

(I shall forgive thee, m\'dear *waits patiently and eagerly, regardless of life\'s interferences*)

Kerr\'s eyelashes fluttered as Declan told him Ben dreamt of him and awoke with his name on his lips

\'when I called on him\'... when he \'called\' on him... in the night... Gods, what the hell does that mean... ?  Fuck.  It\'s pretty damn clear though, isn\'t it?  I mean... calling on someone...

when comfort was needed.  He was unexpectedly emotional at the thought that Ben was in need of comfort, devestated that he wasn\'t able to be there when his mortal

love

friend had so obviously wanted and needed him (most important was the \'wanted\' part, for in Kerr\'s mind it nurtured the notion that his actions - those that had led to Ben\'s punishment on his behalf - were forgiven to some significant degree), anxious over letting him down.

Kerr fidgeted in his seat, his elbows coming up to rest on his spread knees so that he might rub his hands along his bearded jaw, through his hair, over his face.  He licked his lips and did his best to maintain eye contact with his Oligarch, feeling vulnerable and under intense scrutiny in his flustered state - one completely opposite his companion\'s, it seemed - which made it all the more unbearable and embarrassing.

His entire being lurched to a sickened halt upon hearing Declan\'s next words, however, his teeth clamping down on his tongue stud as his jaw set.  His eye contact failed and he stared at the carpet, processing... fighting the urge to cry... seething with fury that this stranger... this younger vampire... could dare hypothesise about Ben\'s feelings and offer his unwanted opinion on Kerr\'s home situation.  What the fuck did he know?  He knew nothing of what Kerr had endured for centuries, the odd twist his relationship with Sawyl had taken of late, the desperate fear he felt every time his sire crawled into bed with him and began whispering to him as he touched and seduced in ways the adult had never anticipated he\'d consent to.  But he was unable to fight it... even though something vibrant was withering slowly inside him.

Fuck, I feel ill...

He sat back on his lovely seat, finding no comfort in it but registering on a subliminal level the feeling of its plushness surrounding him.   He pressed the thumb of his right hand to one closed eye, the pad of his index finger to the other, unable to risk looking at Declan, not wishing to lose all face by showing just how deeply the flippant (and almost biting?) words had struck him.

"There were strings but... Ben had strings of his own," the Irishman managed hoarsely, remaining still but listening for a response to his next bitterly spoken words.  "He wanted to be sired... but I\'m sure you knew that, seeing as you\'re able to spout so much else about him."

[MementoMori]

Declan raised an eyebrow at that, watching as Kerr set his jaw. Apparently he had touched a nerve when he had said that. True he did not know what Kerr\'s home life was like with his sire or any of those things. It made him wonder how his home life really was in order to get such a reaction.There was almost a certain familiar helplessness to his body language. It was the same body language the newbies used at the brothel he had been raised in when they heard that they were getting their first customers whether they wanted them or not.
 
What haunts him so?
 
"There is no need to be bitter. I meant not to offend." the redhead replied almost apologetically, interlacing his fingers as he watched the elder of the two of them.
 
He had only stuck to what he had heard and felt from Ben while he was there with him. There had been a certain amount of despair mixtured with the agony of unrequited love when he thought of Kerr, but still there had not been any real anger towards him. There had just been a wish that there could have been more at least according to what he had sensed.
 
"And yes, I\'m quite aware of that fact, considering he tried to get me to sire him." he said with a small nod."It just makes it that much more sad. Even though there were strings on boths sides, I know love when I see it." he said in an almost compassionate tone of voice, "But you are not here to listen to me babble on about him. You wish to know how long since he has left my care and where he might have gone, right?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr swallowed, then licked his lips, rubbing his closed eyes with thumb and forefinger, feeling an idiot for being so... emotional. Declan spoke to him kindly and he appreciated it, but kindness made it somehow worse. Made him soften even further; at the rate he was going - if he didn\'t pull himself together rapidly - he\'d be a bawling puddle of confession and ridiculous angst sprouting declarations of loneliness and woe upon his Oligarch\'s shoulder in no time.
 
The image was enough to bring some brevity to him, and allow him the luxury of lowering his hand to calmly smooth the press mark along the thigh of his pants. He cleared his throat and looked back at the redhead once more. He seemed older than his years, although that might have been due to Kerr\'s highly unusual state of internal flux at that moment; he was determined to regain his equilibrium, especially in the face of such grace.
 
"Yes," he answered succinctly, then relented with: "but I will listen to everything you have to say about him." That Declan stated Ben had \'tried\' to get him to sire him told Kerr the attempt had been unsuccessful, making him curious about the Oligarch\'s reasons. Did he have hangups about siring others too, or did he simply think Ben was unfit to become kindred? He realised that he was so hungry to have contact with Ben that simply hearing another\'s impressions was like a reacquaintance with the mortal - even if the other was the man that had kept his friend prisoner.  When contact in body was not possible (yet?), words would have to do.

[MementoMori]

((OOC: Sorry for the delay, but here it is. Ta da Finally.))
 
As Declan watched Kerr got ahold of himself, he wondered at what the elder had been through to be where he was. The older the vampire, it seemed the more that they had gone through, but it was not because of the sheer amount of years. It was the range of things that people got away with the further one goes back in history was greater. For example, Declan\'s own sire had a taste for what is now called BDSM as well as a excellent hand at a whip. He had known exactly what could cause the most pleasure and the most pain depending on how the whip fell against the skin. His deceased sire could easily make one beg for more even though one began to hate oneself for it. Though one thing he could be grateful for was the care in which his deceased sire had when it came to tending the welts made by it to prevent any scarring.
 
Still, it depended on the personality how one would deal with such matters. Some went mad, while others hung to sanity by a slender thread and then there were others like Kerr and himself who for the most part stayed the same in the face of such great odds.
 
It has to be something great that haunts him. And it must still be around him to this day. Hmm...I wonder?

He raised an eyebrow faintly at the other\'s next words."Very well in that case, I shall tell you more about him" he said with a small nod. "First of all I suppose that I should tell you why I did not sire him like how he wanted to be." The Oligarch said softly, "The reason for that lies with you."

[Existentially Odd]

"But... don\'t forget to tell me when he left and where he\'s gone," Kerr interjected hastily, wanting the Oligarch not to forget those details.  The way he spoke of Ben was... unsettling, to say the least.  It was almost like Declan was speaking in fond reminiscences, because enough time had elapsed for that to be the case... and that unnerved Kerr greatly.

If any amount of time beyond a day and a night had passed, he would know that something was wrong; that, despite Declan telling him that he resided constantly in Ben\'s thoughts, they were not necessarily good thoughts.  Otherwise he would have come to visit Kerr, to

kiss and make up

resolve things.  Everything had ended very abruptly with the trial and there were many loose ends to tie up, not the least of which was his and Ben\'s relationship.

If a significant period of time had passed since Declan had released Ben, then the mortal had not forgiven Kerr, and wished not to see him.  Perhaps in his cosy prison his thoughts had strayed to the first vampire to have claimed him \'pet\', but once freed he\'d realised that blame - not affection - was owed Kerr, and decided he wouldn\'t visit him at all.  A ball of stress tightened in the vampire\'s gut at the contemplation of never being able to apologise to Ben, never being able to have a simple conversation with him so that he might entreat forgiveness.  Saying goodbye to nothing and spending eternity playing the \'What if...?\' game in his own mind.

Frowning at the leaps his thoughts were making of their own accord, his head shook slightly - as if dismissing them in order to concentrate better on what Declan had to say.  Hearing the Oligarch\'s impression of the mortal (and possibly tales of what had transpired within these walls?) might well give him the insight he needed in order to answer his rabid ponderings anyway.  He blinked and smoothed his expression as he settled slightly, watching blue eyes intently as he waited to be told how he was responsible for Ben\'s continued mortality.

[MementoMori]

"Rest assured that is something I will not forget anytime soon and I will enlighten you to both in due time." Declan replied, looking calmly over at the elder vampire. "You remember when I told you that he always thought of you. It was that which caused it. Day in and day out, I would hear memories of you in his mind. They were no angry, resentful thoughts. For example for a little while there, he even thought that you were going to rescue him someday from my clutches." he said softly. "No matter what I did, it would always come back to tender thoughts of you. To be perfectly honest, it was quite frustrating to hear especially in one who was supposed to be my pet at least originally. You see I had made an agreement with him if he would be my companion, I would turn him.I tried to make it work but his heart was not in it." he said with a small sigh. "So I had to let him go." he said with a nod.
 
"I imagine that he would have gone straight to your home after I did so. Since I did give him the keys to his car back." The Oligarch explained. "It was about a few weeks ago that it happened.. Though given the fact that you are sitting here before me you did not meet.Hmm..maybe something happened. Is there anything at your home which could have upset him, Kerr?" he inquired softly.
 
He had heard the the Oligarchy had entrusted a shifter to the other\'s care through the grape vine, but wasn\'t sure if it was true or not. If it was and Ben had come there while Kerr wasn\'t around and this other person was, he must have thought that he had been replaced.

[Existentially Odd]

Weeks?  You released him weeks ago?

A knot of fear and tension tightened within him, those words very difficult in concept to overcome.  If what Declan said was true about Ben thinking wistful, tender thoughts of him, then something had to have gone wrong upon his release.  A car accident, perhaps?  It would be horrible and tragic, but that\'s what accidents were.  He resolved to check hospitals and the morgue immediately when he was finished here.  When the other vampire asked if there was anything at his home that might have upset Ben, a couple of horrifying thoughts shuffled obediently into his mind, his rapid thoughts jagging onto another track instantly.

For a start, he\'d given Ben a key to the house and he knew the code; he could have entered any time he liked... and found him in bed with Tag if it was in the daylight.  Though nothing untoward ever happened, they both slept naked and... they cuddled, occasionally.  Still, even if Kerr hadn\'t woken instantly because he\'d sensed someone in his room in the daylight, Tag had animal instincts and had stirred one time when a bird flew into a window and had been fluttering dazedly around in the courtyard about fifteen metres away from and below where they slept (admittedly, it had been doing an awful lot of squawking too).

So Tag would have alerted him to someone coming into the house.  The thing was, if Ben had come to him when Tag was out... well, Ben would surely not have just stood in the doorway and stared, he would have woken him up... so that theory simply wasn\'t possible.

Dismissed.

If Ben had decided against using his key and come calling, Kerr would\'ve heard the intercom go... unless he hadn\'t been home.  There\'d been a few of those nights, where he went to Risk or (ironically) to watch Declan\'s or Mandy\'s places, which led him to one conclusion; Sawyl.  It was fucking typical of him to have met Ben at the door and either lied to get rid of him or... no, that would\'ve been it.  He would\'ve lied and told Ben Ker wasn\'t interested in seeing him any more or some such bullshit and then easily concealed the fact because Kerr didn\'t make a habit out of digging through his sire\'s mind.

The tension turned instantly to anger and because Declan was in front of him, Kerr directed it at entirely the wrong place.  "You\'re lying," he spat, because he wanted that to be the case.  He wanted Ben to still be here now, not free and lost to him for weeks.  He wanted nothing to stand in the way of them reuiniting and settling their differences, least of all the child that had done very little but destroy his life from the outset.  He wanted everything back to the way it was and he wanted to know how he could accomplish that.

Without further ado, he tore into Declan\'s mind and began searching for details.  He wasn\'t frantic in his shuffling - because he was able to be slightly more delicate and possibly less noticeable if he did that - but nor did he take his time.  The younger vampire was likely to feel he was spontaneously reminiscing, if he didn\'t know any better; that he\'d got the sudden urge to recall his time with Ben - possibly because Kerr was here.  He had no idea what mental defences Declan was likely to have against this sort of thing, or how long it would take him to erect them, and he was seeking every memory his Oligarch had of Ben during their time together; he wanted a snapshot for himself, damnit... so he had some ammunition

distraction

with which to fight reality.  He simply didn\'t like the way reality had gone.

[MementoMori]

(( OOC: *does a little jig* I posted finally. ))
 
"I may omit certain things, but I do not lie about things of this magnitude." The Oligarch stated calmly
 
As Kerr tried to tear into his mind, Declan could feel the pressure against his shields, delicately prodding for a way in. "Fine if you want to see what\'s in my mind. Here let me show you, but you won\'t ever find out more about Ben." he said cooly, lowering only a specific portion of his shields.
 
After all here he had been, trying to play it nice and then Kerr tried to stab him in the back in his haste. As he spoke, he brought up the memory of the first time he fed from Ben, showing how the other had writhed beneath his talent hands as his lifeblood poured down his throat. "Or how about this." he said, bringing up the memory when he had marked Ben\'s back, calmly etching a design with his knife into the once flawless skin of the youth\'s back.
 
The Oligarch had specifically chosen those two memories. Since they were the ones that he thought would provoke the greatest reaction out of the elder vampire. He cleverly hid the others from Kerr\'s attempts to drag them out within another portion of his memories.
 
"Are you ready to talk like a rational person or would you like to see more upsetting things." he asked with faintly narrowed eyes, "Can\'t you see Ben went through all that and kept his sanity for you, Kerr?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr sagged against the back of his seat, his defeated posture and distraught expression the complete opposite of the storming rage building inside him.  He knew he\'d done the wrong thing in trying to take Declan\'s information but he hadn\'t been able to help himself; his turbulent emotions were only further buoyed by the humiliation of being spoken to like a child standing before a calm and chastising adult.  He covered his face with his right hand, left arm tucked across his torso to support his right elbow, wanting to block the Oligarch from seeing him, block the images that were being played over and over in his mind, block the knowledge that Declan likely wasn\'t lying and that Ben had, indeed, been gone for weeks.

And hadn\'t attempted to contact him.

He told himself that the prospect of an accident was still a possibility, that the mortal could yet be lying prone in a hospital somewhere - perhaps even in a coma or suffering from amnesia, like all truly pathetic soap opera plots would have happen regularly to average citizens - not knowing who was looking for him, not having family close by to care.  Hell, he might not even have had identification when he left Declan\'s place - anything was possible.

Thinking these things helped

but he\'s not dead... the accident wouldn\'t have been that bad

and he grew calmer gradually, the tears subsided and the fury began to ebb from his body.  That left him with the images Declan had supplied.  Confronting them only renewed the chaotic emotions within, but he had to get past them

jealous?  Am I jealous that he touched Ben like that, that he got such obvious joy from feeding from him?
More
No...
There would\'ve been more
Ben wouldn\'t
He likes men, Declan\'s good looking, well spoken, appealing... he would\'ve
Not Ben
Yes.  Naked, both of them, together, feeding and fucking and
IT\'S NOT IMPORTANT

so that he could converse with Declan in a - as he\'d requested - rational manner.  Still, he was having trouble getting past the blood, the cutting, the probable sex, knowing he was likely broadcasting his anger, resentment and passion because he didn\'t quite have the wherewithal to mask any of it when it was all so raw... all he could do was cover his face, fight back the tears that rose anew

You know what this is, don\'t you? Self pity... that\'s what.  You thought you were special... you thought you might mean something just because he was so interested in your stories and you kissed once... but it was only six nights and you\'re a fucking fool to have hung on when he obviously didn\'t.  You\'re a fool

and try to get his equilibrium back in a situation that seemed to be buffetting him from emotion to emotion and leaving him jagged and broken on the rocks of reality.  Ben was gone.  Declan let him go because he grew bored with hearing Kerr\'s name constantly in his thoughts and realising their connection was too strong for him to overcome.  Was that sort of sick fucking joke?

In the end, the anger was what got him to the point that he could lower his hand and know he could look Declan steadily in the eye.  It didn\'t add up, but whether it was a car accident or Sawyl that stood in the way of resolving this dilemma, he couldn\'t know.  He needed to listen to what Declan had to say, at the very least.  "I\'m ready to talk," he eventually said, lips stiff and throat slightly constrained.  He shifted in his seat, spreading his legs decently so that he didn\'t appear defensive, uncurling his arms and placing his hand on his thighs, body language deliberately open.  He needed to hear everything now; it might be the only chance he ever got.  He cleared his throat mildly and then continued speaking.

"You say you released him weeks ago and you\'re right; we didn\'t meet.  I think perhaps he may have had an accident on the way to my home, or my sire might somehow have interfered and kept it from me - that\'s something he\'s likely to do.  I\'ll begin scouring the city as soon as I leave here, now that I know he\'s no longer in your

prison

care," he said, hesitating slightly over the final word and then pausing, gathering his thoughts. Really, Declan had told him everything he\'d come here to find out, but the wounded segment of his soul was yearning still for answers his intelligence argued against knowing.  It wasn\'t a good idea to press for details, to ask to know more but, "So tell me, what else did you do to him while he was here?  You cut him, you fed from him... did you fuck?" snarled its waspish way out of his mouth before the sentient part of him could control it.  His nostrils were flared, eyes narrowed hatefully as he regarded his Oligarch, half hoping he\'d be told to mind his own Goddamned business, half wanting to know dates and times and positions and ratings of sexual satisfaction.

It occurred to Kerr at that very moment, that he had a lot more emotion invested in Ben than he\'d realised, and that he was making a complete and utter fool of himself at that sentiment\'s whim.  But he didn\'t really give a shit, now that the ball was rolling.