Suicide Blonde

[Trillian]

He would be choosing his death, and choosing his murderer.

Strange, to think of it that way, and he wouldn\'t have even done so if it hadn\'t been for the dream during the daylight hours. He\'d been sleeping with Arles (as he\'d been sharing the platinum blonde\'s bed since the night they\'d had sex, though nothing more had come of it), and awoke with a startled gasp. The dream had been vivid, as though someone was trying to tell him something, but he knew it was bogus, his imagination running wild using the aspect of Arles\' story the previous night. Arles had said he\'d sired a woman without her consent, when she\'d visited, when she\'d been trying to decide between two loves. Ben had taken that similar situation and applied it to himself, where he\'d gone to visit Kerr at his house and the dark-haired vampire had initially talked with him, been told that no he was rejected, so Kerr had sired him anyway.

Do you want that?  Do you want the choice taken from you, Ben?

No, and yes, and it was all too confusing. His stomach was churning with the stress of his decision, something that would have to deal with for the rest of his unnatural life. It could be short or long, depending on how well he survived, how well he was looked after, or if he was destroyed.

Ben\'s car idled up Chapel Street, and he could see the wrought iron gate that barricaded the driveway. He was at odds whether to park in the street and walk up, to let himself in with Kerr\'s key (at least through the gate) or to buzz the intercom that stood at Kerr\'s driveway, so he could park his car inside.

Not wanting to take the key out of his pocket and do a repeat of the last time he was here (and meeting Tag which had led to disastrous events), Ben drove all the way up and idled in the driveway. He stayed there for so long, without buzzing, that he eventually turned the car engine off so it no longer burbled, and sat back in the driver\'s seat, staring at the house, feeling surreal. He wanted the intercom to buzz into life with Kerr\'s voice. Or better yet, for the gates to open without a word and Kerr standing near where he was to park.

Something, anything.

He\'d spent two nights with the blonde before coming to see Kerr after seeing the other at the Oligarchy, which seemed like a short while ago and yet as though forever had passed, such was the urgent need to be sired. The sun had been up when he\'d left Arles, going down as he drove across the city to arrive at Kerr\'s place. Now the night had truly taken hold, and it was young. He knew Arles would know where he was, they\'d discussed it, but still, he felt... like a cheater.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was prowling the house almost from the moment the sun sank below the horizon.  He\'d come home from the sighting of Ben (and Arles) at the Oligarchy two nights before wound tighter than a new watch.  He hadn\'t expected Ben to visit that night... but he had, and he\'d waited... to no avail.

The next night had been spent in much the same way, though he\'d chosen to expend his nervous energy and whirling thoughts on ten hours of housework.  Tonight, there was no laundry to be done, not a speck of dust in the house and the only thing he might possibly approach for entertainment was either the television or the silverware.  Polishing was more likely to be the winner in that debate, though, for his hands were like spiders dancing across live power lines and they certainly needed distraction.

He\'d dressed casually, with the goal of polishing in mind, wearing an old black T-shirt and jeans, not bothering with shoes.  Part of him feared being seen with his shirt - it\'s ripped left sleeve pulled apart over a split on his bicep - untucked and quite faded, the other part exulted in it.  Ben hadn\'t come yet, so tonight could be the night but... if he was dressed and ready, well, that was just tempting fate to disappoint him again, wasn\'t it?  Reverse psychology therefore had him looking simple (almost scruffy), in the hopes that he\'d be caught unawares.  He didn\'t think it mattered what he wore, really, just so long as he got to speak to Ben.

He\'d got the extensive silverware collection laid out on the dining table and was leaning into the cupboard to find the rag and polish when he heard the car.  Well, the dining room was on the right side of the house (and his ears had been listening for it, hadn\'t they?), so it wasn\'t surprising.  He froze though, listening intently.  If Ben tried to input the code at either the driveway or pedestrian gates, it\'d be rejected and he might be deterred; that thought had the vampire springing to life.

He went to look out the kitchen window and, seeing the gunmetal grey car in the drive, pressed the appropriate button to send the gate wheeling back.  He then opened the kitchen door and walked out onto the cool, damp grass - slowly, with his hands tucked into the back pockets of his jeans in a hesitant gesture that strained the tight old shirt across his chest - waiting to see if Ben would rive in or just... get out and walk.  He gnawed on his tongue stud the whole way.

[Trillian]

The gate whirred into life and Ben\'s heart leaped into his mouth.

Oh God.  Oh God.  Oh God.  Oh God.
Stop it!
Oh God.
You\'re going to see him again
Could be Sawyl
Could be an invitation to get fucked over all over again

Without thinking too much more on it, Ben reached over to his keys (the set still had the little silver bat keyring) with a surprisingly steady hand and turned the engine over so that it whirred a couple of times before guttering into life, polluting the air through the exhaust and then rumbling past the gates after Ben popped the shift into first.

His heart was pounding with anticipation, he was almost too afraid to look around, but he did look, to see if he could spy anybody

familiar

approaching the car. He spied Kerr and braked a little harder than he should\'ve, the bonnet bouncing downward quite jaggedly before he turned off the key and let the engine cough to a stop. Grabbing the handbrake and lifting it up and on, he listened to the cogs clack and hold the car in place before he got out.

He was dressed nicely but not smartly, casual but most certainly prepared for this meeting, with a loose white pinstripe button up shirt over a mustard coloured t-shirt which was tucked into faded denim. Sneakers on his feet that looked new, light green socks peeking out as he climbed out and moved closer to Kerr after shutting the door, not bothering to lock it. He stopped about halfway and shoved his keys into his right front pocket, keeping his hands in each of them as well, in order to do something with them while he looked at Kerr with a tight-lipped expression, listening to his breath and feeling his heart pounding in his chest. He couldn\'t even bring himself to say \'hey\'.

[Existentially Odd]

The stud gnawing became less as he watched Ben get out, his smile growing in direct proportion to the sheer happiness coursing through his body at the sight.  His pace was perfect it seemed, for he reached the mortal

he\'s still mortal, ohh he\'s warm and alive still, he doesn\'t know, hasn\'t decided

just as he was looked at and keys were pocketed.  Naturally, gracefully, Kerr wrapped his arms around Ben\'s shoulders, swallowing down his choking emotions and pressing his face in against the blonde\'s hair.  He smelled different

Arles, the vampire\'s on you, on your skin, he\'s... doesn\'t matter

but still very much Ben.  Cool hands caressed the mortal\'s back as he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and managed to force out: "I\'ve missed you."

He had.  Even if Ben pushed him away, he would step back and still be smiling, thankful for the moment where he was able to embrace the boy one more time, at long last.  It was all he\'d wanted for so many months now, it was difficult to do anything more until he was done savouring this one.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t push him away.  There was no indication that he even thought about pushing Kerr away, because he simply didn\'t think it.  The possibility wasn\'t even remote, it was nonexistant.  As Kerr\'s hands found and wrapped around him, Ben\'s hands freed themselves out of his pockets and he embraced Kerr in return, burying his face against the taller\'s shoulder, trying to control his breathing, squeezing as tightly as he dared, remembering everything there was about Kerr that had been good.

While Kerr was smelling another on him, Ben busied himself with being aware of Kerr\'s own scent, which brought back some very powerful emotions, so much that his heart accelerated and he wondered if it could beat any faster.

This was familiar, this was

what he wanted

good.  Making a choked sound that was somewhere between crying and laughing, he focussed entirely on hugging Kerr, not wanting the embrace to end, not even feeling like it was wrong.  All thoughts of others left his head, it was just the two of them.

[Existentially Odd]

As he was squeezed, Kerr did the same in return, making sure he didn\'t hurt but getting a good, strong feel for the man in his arms, like he would be able to pull away and there would still be a Ben imprint on his body - as there was, inexplicably, on his heart.  He shifted his weight so that everything touched bar their feet; their legs were interwoven, hips to like, stomachs and chests and heads... all pressed together like they would meld if they stayed still for long enough.

It wasn\'t still though, for Kerr was moving continually, just touching and cradling, smelling his past and letting it align itself with their present in such a way that everything felt... a bit more settled and in order.  There would always be gaping months of loss and despair, of course, but it was all being gradually remedied with a little patience and a lot of firm contact.

Eventually, he pulled back and smiled, taking Ben\'s hands in his (for he couldn\'t bear to let him go).  He paused, drinking the sight of him in now, but stopped very soon, realising that Ben couldn\'t see him in return

yet

and so he led the blonde inside, dropping one hand to accommodate freer movement.  He considered the living room for about a millisecond, but continued up to his bedroom without apparent pause.  Sawyl was awake and occupying himself in his room, the twins were curious; he pulled Ben into the confines of his personal space and locked the door while the mortal stood placidly by, watching.

When that was done, their haven secured, Kerr turned on dim lights and lay on the bed, drawing Ben down beside him, on his right.  Smoothly, he wrapped arms around the blonde again, causing him to rest his cheek on his shoulder, legs entwined.  It felt comfortable and right and Kerr hadn\'t realised just how frayed he\'d become until this puzzle piece was tucked against him once more.

The silence stretched, he didn\'t know for how long and he didn\'t care; the passage of time was marked only by Sawyl testing the doorknob (three times, before swearing and eventually leaving in disgust) and by Ben\'s heartbeat.  It was this, that finally drew comment from the vampire, his unremarkable voice gentle and deep, after so much emotion clogging it intermittently (only to be forced back down each time).

"I\'ll miss hearing your heart beating, when he takes you," he admitted sadly.

[Trillian]

Ben had been compliant for it was easy to simply be led, to let Kerr take him wherever he pleased, to let the vampire control him like a puppet, for he was interested to know how it was Kerr wished them to end up.  He was surprised but not protesting to be led upstairs, once again overwhelmed by the sight of familiar territory, a room that was intimate and recogniseable.  As Kerr switched on dim lights, Ben\'s gaze travelled the room before resting on the vampire\'s form once more and moving automatically with Kerr\'s gentle guidance upon the bed where they could be wrapped up in each other\'s arms again.

He sighed and nested, settling in against Kerr\'s form, finding a comfortable place conformed to the other\'s cool, hard body and let his mind wander over things that didn\'t stress him, simply thinking about the stories Kerr had told and also of sleeping in this bed, being warm and feeling nurtured and protected.  He heard the doorknob being tested and was aware of the presence of others because of it, but due to the fact Kerr was with him, he felt as though all interruptions would be staved off, and so it was without any real surprise that they were left alone to just be.

Kerr\'s soft words brought Ben back to his more current status and he frowned before replying, now forced to think of Arles and feeling guilty.

"You expect that I\'ll choose him?" he replied softly, not confirming nor denying either way.  He simply didn\'t know yet.

[Existentially Odd]

"Of course," he answered immediately.  "I mean, I don\'t know him but... he\'d have to be a better option than what you have on offer here."

A new bitterness was aroused with the words, his gaze inadvertently directed at the door where Sawyl had been.  The child wanted to be part of this... the relationship, the siring, the choosing... he wanted to play a part in it all, for he was aware that he wouldn\'t be able to divert Kerr\'s attention away from Ben now that they\'d been reunited.

Even if sired by another vampire, Kerr was still determined that they would maintain a friendship.  Sawyl would no longer be Kerr\'s focus, he would likely never be able to lure him into bed again, no longer be able to manipulate the Irishman because of his despair.  All that he could do was force a part in what would be, for the past would always be sacrificed for the future\'s sake.

No, Kerr was adamant; Ben wouldn\'t choose him.  "He\'s older than me; is he nice?  Does he have any progeny or contact with his sire?" the brunette asked, keeping his voice level because he was interested and didn\'t want to let Ben think that he had any second thoughts on insisting Arles be chosen.  He didn\'t want to know about jealousy or wishes for a different outcome himself; he sought reassurance in Ben\'s answer, as much as direct information.

[Trillian]

Listening to Kerr\'s answer injected a spark of resentment against him.

"I\'m well aware of what my options are," he said quietly, without any emotion in his tone save disappointment, his gaze downcast.

Arles had failed him with the \'no obligation\' comment. Kerr now failed him as he listened to the Irishman push him towards the choice of Arles. After a challenge from Ben, he\'d got Arles to admit that he wanted to sire him, and here was Kerr requiring Ben to push for the same outcome. Why couldn\'t either of them just say they wanted him? Why did he have to ask? He wanted a sire that wanted to sire him; was he so unfortunate, would he be such a burden, didn\'t they want to be connected with him?

When more questions came, Ben swallowed the lump in his throat, keeping his breathing steady despite the heaviness of his heart. When he was sure that his voice would be unaffected, he answered, but not without a long pause in between.

"He\'s lonely."

Ben didn\'t want to go into too much detail. He didn\'t really want to talk to Kerr about Arles, nor to Arles about Kerr. He\'d prefer to discuss with them what it would be like with them, surely that made more sense than hypothesising about the other?

[Existentially Odd]

"Oh," Kerr gulped, feeling he\'d been chastised and that the subject was immediately closed.  For his part, he resented that, because he thought he\'d been doing the right thing in approaching the Arles situation equably, and encouraging Ben to talk about his... potential sire.

Lonely.  Arles was lonely.  Kerr was trapped in a house filled with rapacious minds and vicious desires, never having a moment\'s peace as they yanked and twisted him, but he could understand that sentiment perfectly.  It seemed that both vampires were looking to Ben to cure their loneliness, but Kerr had felt his approach more gallant.  He was protecting Ben from his horde, allowing him to gain stronger blood from another source that would, hopefully, make him slightly more immune to their ministrations when he and Ben met again in future.

But he had desires of his own, secret wishes that no-one would ever feed and he would bear the burden of loneliness long after things were apparently resolved.  It was his way; he was the carer and had been for too many centuries to stop now.  Pathetic in its martyrdom, he would never get what he wanted and there was even more resentment and hatred in that, for everybody.

Ah fuck, he just didn\'t know anymore.  His hold on the mortal tightened briefly, then it loosened as he moved, his body lifting and slithering down so that he could turn onto his right side more and be the one leaning across Ben\'s body.  He was supported on his right elbow, face hovering over the blonde\'s.  Already, he\'d missed seeing his face, simply because he was laying back and behind... how stupid was that?

"D\'you know," he began dreamily, looking from Ben\'s eyes to his nose, to his lips, "what the worst part was while you were gone?  Knowing where you were and not being able to touch you.  Not even mentally.  I\'d stand outside that damn house of his and just watch, for hours, waiting for him to leave you so I could just see if you were alright... but I never got that lucky.  I understand what lonely is, and I understand what it is you\'d do to fill that void," he admitted sadly, swallowing a sudden attack of emotion down, lest he cry and drop bloody tears upon his... friend.  "I just... I just don\'t... I don\'t ever want to lose you again and I hate that it can\'t be me, because... because... "

As Kerr\'s voice trailed off, it lost strength.  And hope.  Tears welled and he stopped staring at Ben\'s nose and gathered the courage to look up into his eyes again.  "Because I want it to be me, with every fibre of my being," he whispered miserably, "but I know that that\'s not best for you.  And you matter most."

[Trillian]

When Kerr shifted, he earned Ben\'s eyes upon him, and as the vampire looked down at his mortal friend, Ben gazed up at him, looking into his eyes and seeing the rest peripherally, noting that Kerr\'s own stare travelled down his face, ending at his lips. There was an expression upon the other\'s face that made Ben\'s heart feel full and begin to soar - it was an expression of desire, though he didn\'t really know what Kerr desired beyond companionship, though wasn\'t that enough? Would that be enough for Ben, from Kerr? It would be enough for him from Arles, but this relationship ran deeper...

...and here came Kerr\'s words, flooding from his mouth, saying things that Ben had only hoped to hear, making his heart both swell and hurt from the tragic tale that Kerr spoke, one in which he was a participant, even if only passive.

Kerr stood outside the house and watched!
Sometimes I would look out the window and hope
I couldn\'t see the road, only the backyard
How I would\'ve loved to see you standing and waiting for me
Not that I let go of you when I was with Declan
That\'s why he let me go
Because I didn\'t
Lonely, he understands what lonely is as well
Fuck it, so do I

When Kerr\'s voice hitched, Ben\'s lips parted with a small gasp, a frown creasing his forehead, wanting to hug Kerr but not wanting him to stop from saying what needed to be said.

Hate that it can\'t be him?
Why can\'t it be him?

He listened avidly.  Kerr\'s response both breaking his heart and lifting it - oh, why so many contradictions when with Kerr?

"He\'s the logical choice," Ben began, but didn\'t pause because he didn\'t want Kerr to think the wrong thing for too long. "You\'re right, he\'s the logical choice, but as much as I understand that I\'ll be his sole responsibility and it\'ll be easier to be with him instead of having ongoing complications here, my head might be telling me to choose him, but my heart wants you," he admitted, his pale eyes feeling a little more liquid though tears weren\'t falling yet. Oh, he\'d said it, he\'d said it without too much prompt, and oh, weren\'t those words exactly what Ben wanted to hear? His breathing was shallow and quicker, his heart pounding in his ears, his eyes itching and feeling unfriendly (and wasn\'t this what being with Kerr had always been like? That passion that could destroy them both emotionally as well as allow them to soar?). Ben was touching Kerr\'s face now, though couldn\'t remember when his fingers had made contact, how he had the courage to stroke his thumb across cold lips. "Between my head and my heart, what would be the wrong decision?" he asked, then reiterated. "Fuck, what would be the right one?"

And so Kerr was told why Ben hadn\'t yet chosen, when he had everything he\'d ever wanted in a letter.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s eyes closed and he fought back the tears as he leaned into the hand that seemed to burn him with its warmth, taunt him with its proximity.  If he could have a fledgling all his own... share his bed every day with this man who was a friend-and-maybe-more-one-day... he would do it.  But he couldn\'t turn his back on his sire, his responsibilities.  And they sure as fuck wouldn\'t let him have Ben all for himself; they\'d absorb him in every way.

A cold feeling washed through Kerr suddenly, as he thought of Sawyl, and he realised that he wasn\'t in love with him any more.  Not like he\'d once been; besotted and devoted with the overriding passion that had always burned in his soul for the wronged child, the parental spark nestled in him invoked and bristling for centuries.  There was no more passion, though, after what they\'d done and that was both an ironic and very odd thing to contemplate.  That fire was extinguished, leaving him cold and stunned.

He blinked, his focus on Ben swimming back into place with a clarity he... he had to deny it.  The vampire shook his head minutely, as if dismissing his desires summarily.  He had no right to manipulate Ben for his own needs, jus because he realised he was setting himself apart from his family.

For Ben?  Because of Ben?  Hoping for Ben?  Stupid.  One person... against a lifetime of... bitterness and manipulation and twisted commands Iwas unable to fight... against one who made none but offered interest and companionship and... love?

No right.

But my heart wants you
you
my heart
my heart
our hearts

and he wouldn\'t.

shouldn\'t

Couldn\'t.

"You should follow your head.  We\'ll see each other again, right?  We\'ll make... time.  Meet up for conversations and... " he glanced down towards where their bodies were entwined, a wry smile gracing his lips before meeting blue eyes again, "cuddles.  We won\'t be parted permanently; it\'ll be the best of both worlds for you.  A sane sire and visitations with... me."  He gave a small, deprecating laugh, hating the logic of it.

Hating it.

[Trillian]

Summarily rejected and not expecting Kerr\'s response at all, Ben went into a kind of shock.

His hand moved from Kerr\'s face as if burned

As if?
I am burned
He\'s burned me
He doesn\'t want me
Not like he said
Because if what he said were true
He\'d want me no matter what

He couldn\'t breathe, a huge weight was on his chest, the tears that had threatened before but held in check now spilled out of his eyes without control, but certainly without sobs, he was far too gone for that - all he could do was stare at Kerr in disbelief.

Oh God
No
No

Blinking rapidly when tears slid near his ear, being uncomfortable enough for him to shake his head (along with matching thoughts), he used the hand that had been touching Kerr\'s lips to stroke away the wetness from his left ear.

He wanted to say something but couldn\'t think of a single thing to say.  His gaze was locked on Kerr too, and he wanted to look away but was having trouble with that too.  Eventually his gaze shifted minutely and from there he could pull it away to the right, though he didn\'t move his head, it felt heavy and stuffed with cotton.

You wanted him
He was your first choice
You wanted him to tell you to follow your heart
Because you wanted his heart to be in the same place
And he denies you
Denied

The choice had been made for him after all.

[Existentially Odd]

It seemed, when Ben finally looked away, that Kerr\'s spell was broken.  He\'d been fixed in place, a devastating war of rage and despair roiling inside him as he saw exactly what Ben had been thinking in his eyes, watched the tears fall, seen how he\'d hurt him.  Had he not fucking hurt the boy enough with the punishment and the Oligarch?  Could he not hack at him a little more by giving him sane and logical advice?  Yes, apparently he could.

His face fell to touch the mortal\'s as soon as the eye contact was severed and he pressed his lips to the wet cheek, hearing a murmur that he eventually made out to be his own voice whispering urgently, voice hoarse with emotion - the blood had been pounding too loudly through his ears before that to recognise it.  He held Ben tightly, crying just as freely except he spoke raggedly through hitching sobs, despising this... feeling/situation/life/everything.

"Oh please, oh please, God, don\'t cry, please don\'t cry, I\'m sorry, don\'t look at me like that, I can\'t look at you looking at me like that, oh please don\'t cry, I don\'t want you to, I don\'t fucking want him to have you, you have to understand that, but it\'s right, it\'s right. It is, it\'s for the best, just... don\'t cry, I love you, please don\'t cry."

[Trillian]

The sounds Kerr made were soothing but his words were not, not all of them anyway, so Ben switched them off in his head like a light going dark.  He could feel his chin wobbling now and he struggled to hold it back, biting his lip and closing his eyes, feeling tears on his lashes.

This sucked.

Could the pair of them change?  If he insisted that Kerr sire him, and the vampire actually did (because there was a part of him inside that knew he would be able to manipulate the other with a few choice words, the emotions were certainly running high enough to be able to), would that be the right path?  Could they ever be sane together or would there always be conflict?

And if he followed Kerr\'s advice and went for the logical decision, Arles, would he be able to face Kerr again?  He was invited to, he\'d been told he could have the best of both worlds, but could he come back here once he was bonded to someone else?  He felt like he could face Arles again if Kerr sired him, but he didn\'t think he could do it the other way.

All or nothing.  All or nothing.  All or nothing.  All or nothing.

He managed to hold back any further tears, his struggle won out, but only after a little bit of time passed.  And how much time had passed since driving through the gates and onto Kerr\'s property?  Ten minutes?  Twenty?  It seemed less than that.  That was somehow wrong as well, for his world to come crashing down so quickly.

"I only wanted you to tell me you wanted me," Ben said hoarsely, and now understood that such a thing was far too simple.  He and Kerr could never have it simple.