A Perfect Song

[Trillian]

(After \'Discoveries\')

The radio was playing songs while Ben sat in the spare bedroom, thinking of Kerr.  Arles had gone out somewhere, saying something about getting himself a drink, and Ben had declined the offer to go with him.  He wanted to sit in a room and be miserable, and this room that didn\'t belong to anyone seemed the most appropriate.

It was pathetic really, to wallow in his despair and remain depressed instead of trying to snap out of it.  Newfound knowledge of Kerr\'s romantic choices were whirling in his head, the realisation that the other was moving on with his life because Ben had made his choice.  Made his bed, so to speak.

With his arms wrapped around his legs, he was leaning on the headboard against the wall, his head resting on the tops of his knees, staring unblinking out of a window.

A slow playing song began on the radio and he paid attention to it, because it suited his mood better than the faster more upbeat ones.
[INDENT] You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended

(Ben now  thought of Kerr, and his siring)

You could be the one Ill always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one Ill always love

(Cynically, he smiled)

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
He could never be as good as you

(Blinking, he remembered his time with Declan)

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one Ill always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

[/INDENT]After feeling a little more miserable than he could really take, the radio in the hallway switched off, as though someone had turned the dial.  He initially thought Arles had come back home, but he hadn\'t.  Within himself, he knew that because he\'d pictured the radio, the dial switch, saw it turning off in his mind, he knew that he\'d accomplished the deed instead.

Instead of celebrating his growing powers, he buried his face in his hands and tried to pretend that there wasn\'t a hollow in his chest.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr pulled up to the house and sat in the car for a few moments, gathering his thoughts in the silence.  He didn\'t particularly want to enter the penthouse if Arles was in there; by the same token, Ben might be out as well... and he wasn\'t about to reach out with his mind and determine the status of either of them.  There was nothing for it but to knock.

Sure, the last time Ben had seen him had been the night before, with his dick buried deep inside Ichabod but these things needed to be overcome.  Quickly.  He didn\'t want another week or so to go by and then Ben turn up with polite words that danced around his true feelings - not to mention the subject - and they made surface peace again.  Ben had to be feeling upset by what he\'d seen (because Kerr would be devastated in his place, and it was the Irishman\'s job to fix that), he had to be.

Kerr got out of the car, locked it and strode confidently up to the front door of Arles\' home, lifting his chin to better help him feel the part he was playing; in control and knowledgeable.  He knocked smartly on the door, spied the bell, rang that as well, then... he waited.  Dressed in black slacks, shiny black shoes and a large sapphire blue woollen jumper with a collar that almost brushed his chin, he looked the part of sauve and together.  Inside, he felt as if a thousand butterflies were fighting for supremeacy over one another, though.

[Trillian]

Not really wanting to answer the door but hearing a knock and a ringing bell, there was an instinct in him to respond to that.  Still, he hesitated but because he hadn\'t been crying and there weren\'t any embarrassing red-rimmed eyes to show whoever was at the door that he\'d been crying, he slid off the bed and walked mutely to the front door.

He was within five feet of it when he was suddenly open to the pull of Kerr, and he froze.  Kerr?  Why was he here?  Panicking, he felt his stomach flip-flop as he looked around himself, not knowing what to do.  It took him a long moment to get himself together, not quite half a minute had gone by, but he collected himself enough to brace himself and reach for the doorknob.

A strong reminder of what had happened the night before when he swept the door open in one motion (though on the opposite side now, for he swung in, not out) and was looking at Kerr, looking smartly dressed.  Ben himself was dressed in a rust coloured t-shirt and a pair of navy blue and white thin striped board shorts - the first things he\'d pulled out of the drawers and closet, actually.

It\'s none of your business, Ben, he has every right to be with others

The pep-talk to himself helped him bring forward a small smile of greeting to his face, and he said \'hi\' in a soft voice before stepping back to let Kerr in, as though his visit was the most natural thing in the world.  He wished madly that Arles would return, so that he didn\'t have to talk about what Kerr was obviously here to talk about, but it would be worse if Arles came in and then left them to their conversation.  He didn\'t want to talk about it with Arles inside the house, either.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was aware that he had two distinct choices before him, at this exact moment.  He could take the polite route - step past Ben, wander until he found the lounge, sit and wait until his fledgling came to discuss things politely with him - or the emotional route, where he forced an honest and raw reaction by deliberately doing what he didn\'t usually do (ie. the polite thing).  It wasn\'t that he wanted to provoke Ben or cause additional anguish - and he certainly hadn\'t slept with Ichabod for that reason - but he saw the opportunity it gave him now.

He was tired of polite and predictable.  He was tired of Ben dancing away from and around him.  He wanted honesty and emotion; he craved it.  Ihstead of passing, he stepped up to Ben, wrapped strong arms around his shoulders (thereby pinning his arms, to a degree) with his right hand down Ben\'s back and his left cupping the blonde head, and buried his face in his fledgling\'s neck.  He squeezed for all he was worth, becoming suddenly much more emotional, now that he had contact.

"I\'m sorry you walked in on that last night.  I didn\'t do it to hurt you.  I didn\'t think you\'d be back to see me for ages after our last disagreement, in fact.  I\'m sorry I hurt you," he hissed urgently, his words tumbling forth like he expected Ben to stop him any second, "but I do fucking love you and we\'re not not anything to each other, damnit.  Fucking prove me wrong if we are, and I\'ll leave you with Arles and work on getting over you.  Tell me the truth."

[Trillian]

Eyes widening as Kerr advanced on him, raising his arms a degree before they were suddenly pinned to his sides, though his lower arms were free to float outward, making him look as awkward as he felt.  Turning his face away gave Kerr easier access to his neck, though he\'d meant to avoid any potential kiss that was to land on his lips.  He didn\'t feel like kissing Kerr right now.  Bewildered by Kerr\'s strong actions and even stronger words, he held onto his sire\'s waist, his senses crowded with Kerr\'s presence, Kerr\'s smell.

"Why would you take some guy home?" Ben asked, genuine questions rising to the fore, but not the ones that truly mattered.  "I thought you were into women."

It hurt more that Kerr had brought home a young man, that he would seek out something he\'d thought Kerr wanted from him.  Being able to find such a thing somewhere else rather than bothering to continue his budding relationship with Ben himself was insulting.  A woman?  Okay, it would\'ve hurt, but much less, for Ben couldn\'t give him that.  He\'d thought they were progressing, that they were seeing where they would end up, if there was a Them.  Fucking some random guy with no history to speak of made everything between Kerr and Ben a great deal more flimsy and transparent.  Did it mean anything special to Kerr?  Or was he just experimenting, to see if he even liked the guy/guy thing?  That would be cheap.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned as these words came out of Ben\'s mouth - mostly because they were objectionable but also because they didn\'t answer his questions or demands at all.  It was beginning to seem like Ben would dance around giving him a straight answer forever.

"I\'m in love with you," he said forcefully, pulling back so that he could look into Ben\'s eyes, a hand width of space between their noses, "why would you think I was into women?  Have I not told you enough that I was never particularly sexual and now it doesn\'t seem to matter to me?  You never believed me?  Never trusted that I felt as strongly for you as I professed?" he asked hollowly, his grip shifting to Ben\'s shoulders and becoming looser as this horrible feeling sank into his skin.

The man he loved not only didn\'t seem to reciprocate the full gamut of his feelings for him, but he didn\'t seem to believe that everything he\'d ever professed was genuine.  Fucking brilliant.

[Trillian]

"Loving someone and being in love with them are two different things," Ben said quietly, squirming the rest of the way out of Kerr\'s grip so he could put his shoulder to a wall, shrinking against it like Kerr would be angry with him, sensing that something was already going wrong with the conversation.  "You know I\'ve always been attracted to you, but there\'s always been someone else in your life.  Mandy, or Sawyl," he said, his gaze shifting away from Kerr\'s so he could hug himself and stare at where wall met carpet.  "You never wanted me until it was convenient for you, and now it\'s not convenient for you to wait for us to..." he shrugged.

His gaze rose to Kerr, to see how his words would be challenged.

[Existentially Odd]

"\'Us\'?" Kerr repeated, his frown only deepening as Ben pulled back away from him.  His hands hung at his sides, his hands fisting though he did nothing with them, only happy with this position because he more or less had Ben hemmed in between him and the wall, the front door helping him.  The blonde couldn\'t escape without pushing past... though it was fucking ridiculous that Kerr had to find a position such as this to be able to ensure a conversation happened.

"You mean you and Arles?" he demanded, eyes narrowing as his hurt was slowly turned into anger.  "Let me get this straight; you believe I didn\'t want you before now and suddenly, because I\'ve apparently made this split-second decision to want you, I\'m too impatient for you and Arles to finish or grow so lax I\'ll get a look in, is that it?  And that I\'m so impatient, I made a ridiculous decision to screw around with Ichabod?"

The elder vampire was acutely aware of Ben\'s opening statement but was unwilling to broach it because it really did sound like he didn\'t feel for Kerr with anything close to the passion that Kerr felt for him... and that hurt far too much to think about and maintain a sensible conversation right now.  He shoved it aside for worrying about a little later.

[Trillian]

"Not me and Arles," Ben snapped when Kerr was still talking, "you and me.  You can\'t wait for you and me to naturally--"

He was struck dumb by the name and couldn\'t continue.  Such an unusual name bore remembering, and he blanched, his jaw dropping open as he stared at Kerr with a newfound horror.

"Ichabod?"  he screeched, feeling angry now.  "You fucked Ichabod?"

Of course it was the same Ichabod - how many Ichabod\'s were there in the city?  Had he fucking meant to screw the one guy that Ben had a connection with that wasn\'t part of a sordid little triangle formed around Ben and Kerr?  Now Ichabod was part of the bullshit, part of the confusion.  "You fucking asshole."

[Existentially Odd]

"Asshole?!" Kerr cried indignantly, offended that he was being attacked for pure happenstance.  "Why does it being Ichabod make me an asshole?  He knew full well what the deal was, he was consenting, he had a good... oh!" the brunette broke off with a rather high-pitched exclamation, making a few connections.

"You think it has something to do with you!  Well, it didn\'t!  I met up with Ichabod over a month ago because he\'s the pet of an Ancient I know - Lazarus.  He used to run the city, before the fucking Oligarchy came along, in fact!" the Irishman exclaimed triumphantly, as if his connection was to a rock star or to royalty.  "I went back to Lazarus\' place with him one night and fed from Ichabod.  I saw him again last night in Risk, Lazarus was screwing around elsewhere, so I invited him back to my place because I enjoyed drinking from him last time we were together.  He was interested in you, too," Kerr added, as if Ben should be ashamed of himself for making his accusations.

[Trillian]

Blinking back the onset of tears because of someone who had no fucking clue how much he was hurting right now, feeling angry at himself for being so cut about it all, knowing he was a hypocrite because he slept with Arles every day, depressed with all the constant misunderstandings and suddenly feeling like it wasn\'t worth it anymore...

"Get out."

He said it simply, and softly, but surely and without pause, holding onto the anger over the rejection, knowing he was likely to end this conversation face down on the spare bed crying his stupid pathetic heart out.

Go.

"I don\'t want to see you anymore."

I don\'t want to love you/too hard
Too hard to love you
Not worth it/the effort
Just pain with you/always
Pain

And a wash of rage and despondance left him before he could snap the floodgates closed, but not before he lifted both hands and pushed against Kerr\'s chest.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr froze, blinking as a wall of pain - and pained thoughts - buffetted him and magnified his own feelings.  Instinctively, he grabbed Ben\'s hands and held them against his chest, frowning.  "You don\'t mean that," he said softly, hoping to God Ben didn\'t.

[Trillian]

"GO!" Ben shouted, squeezing his eyes shut and pushing harder against Kerr\'s chest, not wanting to discuss what he did and didn\'t mean.  He reeled back after it, snatching his hands away from Kerr and turning so that his other shoulder was now against the wall, turning his back to his sire and hoping that Kerr would just leave.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr felt like he was submerged in an ocean of jelly, sluggish and distorted, nothing working as it should.  Ben was worked up... emotional.  He couldn\'t want to end it between them forever.... surely.  Could he?

"You... never want to see me again?  Never?" he asked dumbly, still not leaving because there was no real impetus, when he wasn\'t being pushed.  He didn\'t want to leave - it made no sense to leave.  He wanted to be with Ben forever not... leave.  Not after all they\'d been through, not now.  Ben was angry he\'d had sex with someone else, that was all.  Why should that stop them being together?  He had sex with Arles all the time.  He was compelled to voice this viewpoint but... airily, likely making it obvious he still didn\'t understand what was happening.

"Because I had sex with Ichabod?  You sleep with Arles all the time and I\'m the one who should be waiting for things to happen naturally between you and I?  And because I didn\'t - because I needed some sort of release - you\'re finished with me?" he hazarded incredulously.

[Trillian]

He crumpled.  He couldn\'t take it anymore.  His life had been pretty easy up till the moment he\'d met Kerr, then there had been a torrential downpour that seemed to never end.  A few ups and a whole lot of downs.  Six days of knowing Kerr, then four months of being held by Declan, released from that only to think he\'d been replaced in Kerr\'s life, then a few weeks of living out of his car and being homeless and jobless and not knowing where his next meal would come from, the only time he\'d ever felt like he was fitting in and feeling wanted was with Arles - it wasn\'t passion, but it was stable and he could be content and secure, and he realised that such things were important too, starting a tentative relationship with Kerr again, telling Arles about being with Kerr and risking being thrown out on the chance that he and Kerr would have something, only to discover that Kerr was doing his own thing.  He knew that Kerr wasn\'t going to be celibate, but knowing it was different to walking in on it.  It was too much.  So, he crumpled.

His knees gave way first and he slid down the wall, his hands covering his face like they did when he didn\'t want others to see it scrunched up and teary, feeling stupid and ashamed.  His shoulders shook with the force of not sobbing, holding in each cry which meant his body trembled, and he took breaths, shaky and unnecessary breaths in order to release sobs that he also felt unnecessary, and squashed them within him - unsuccessfully.

Go away.  Please.  Please go, please.

Mentally begging now, despairing and sad, the anger was gone and the misery returned and he couldn\'t shut it off.  He was sending out in waves, like he had when he\'d first been turned and couldn\'t control his signals.  He couldn\'t even keep his emotions in check, there was no way he could shut off anything else.