When All Is Said And Done

[Trillian]

[continued after A Perfect Song]


BEN ARRIVED at Kerr\'s door the night after Lazarus.  It was much sooner than he\'d expected that he was ready to face Kerr, but the conversations he\'d been having with Arles lately had been less than satisfying.  He wanted some resolution, some closure, he was ready to talk and he figured Kerr would probably be surprised by his visit, but so be it.

Instead of using the key that he was fingering upon his chest, held there by a thin gold necklace, he picked it up and dropped it beneath his shirt so it couldn\'t be seen, and raised his hand to knock.

He didn\'t know how long he\'d stood there, or how long he\'d been going to stand there, but the door on the other side of the hallway opened and Ben rapped smartly on the door - as though someone who\'d had him on pause suddenly found the play button.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr tensed when there was a knock at the door and he felt Ichabod - who was snuggled in his arms watching television with him - do the same.  They looked at each other or the door (the vampire didn\'t take any notice of which), both thinking the same thing in all likelihood; Lazarus had come back.

They\'d spent a good many hours the night before discussing the ancient\'s visit and what it might possibly have meant, coming to the conclusion that there was something suspicious about his posturing, at the very least.  Kerr reached out mentally to see who was at the door but he should\'ve known before that, he soon realised.

"It\'s Ben," he said dumbly, looking at Ichabod now in even greater surprise.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod tensed up and glanced up at kerr as there was a knock at the door. Kerr had told him everything the blonde had said although it had felt like shit to know that Lazarus had just thrown him out to try to get a step closer to his plan of taking over the city it was sort of nice to know he probably wasn’t going to make a fuss trying to get him back. It meant that he could just enjoy being with Kerr for now…until that knocking came. Maybe it was him again, ready to have another go at Kerr, trying to get the Irishman to do what he wanted because of what they had done.

He blinked in surprise at Kerr’s statement that it was Ben. How did he know that? Of course he knew that, they have that connection, he can feel people’s thoughts, duh. “Right,” he said, glancing down into his lap again for a moment.

“Do you want me to…shall I give you two some space?” he asked, lifting his eyes hesitantly to meet Kerr’s. He didn’t want Ben to just walk in and see him here, Kerr might ant to chat to him for a bit before telling him about Ichabod…but if Kerr knew it was Ben out there Ben might already know Ichabod was here; he wasn’t sure how strong the fledgling’s mental powers were.

"I could go in the spare room or just... go out," he added, lighty running his fingers along Kerr\'s leg. The spare room wasn\'t furnished yet, but that didn\'t really matter, he would rather do that than go out alone, but Kerr and Ben might want to be completely alone to talk.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, wondering.  "You wouldn\'t go into the spare room, you\'d go into my office or the

our?

bedroom," he answered testily, sitting up behind Ichabod and scooting along the leather couch so that he was sitting beside him.  The comfort he\'d taken from holding someone warm and friendly close to him all evening thus far had evolved into guilt, which seemed to be manifesting itself as anger in his speech.  Well, not anger but... annoyance.  His throat was so tight, though; he found he couldn\'t speak any other way for some reason.

He blinked at the mortal to his right.  "I think... it probably is best if you head in there.  I mean, I\'ll tell him you\'re here and all but... I don\'t know how he\'ll react if he sees you again, I... " Kerr paused and ran a hand down along the cobalt blue jumper covering his chest, glancing at the black slacks and black socks beyond as a thought that induced another wave of guilt occurred to him.  "But he\'ll smell you anyway, I... fuck... no.  Head into the bedroom," he finally decided, standing abruptly and looking intently at Ichabod.  "I\'ll get you when I need you."

[pinkroses]

Ichabod sat up straighter as Kerr moved away from him, running a hand through his hair as he gave the vampire a worried look, not liking the angry tone in his voice, because he wasn’t sure exactly what had caused it; his offer or the idea of talking to Ben. He glanced down into his lap again as Kerr spoke and then glanced up at him, before lightly kissing his cheek and pressing his hand against Kerr\'s chest.

“I hope it goes ok,” he murmured, giving Kerr a small smile before standing up. He straightened out his shirt before heading towards the bedroom, giving the vampire a backwards glance before disappearing. He wasn’t sure how he should be feeling about this; he wanted things to go well between Kerr and Ben because he knew how much the dark haired man cared about his fledgling, but he couldn’t help feeling a small spark of jealousy. He liked being here with Kerr, but he knew Kerr didn’t need to keep him here, he could ask him to leave at any time and if Ben asked him to…would he? He didn’t know how Ben was going to react, after all he’d only met the blonde once and that had been in rather strange circumstances (well, strange for the human), he couldn’t predict it at all.

He sat down heavily on the bed, lightly running his fingers over the cover as he scowled at the floor, trying to listen to see if he could hear anything.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr gnawed nervously on his tongue stud while he watched the mortal retreat, managing to offer the ghost of a smile as he caught that backward glance but losing it as he looked at the door to the apartment.  He squared his shoulders slightly and walked in front of the fireplace and TV - stepping lightly around the coffee table and second couch then up the two stairs.  He took note of everything as he went, his emotions tumultuous to the point that walking had become a conscious process.  Stupid.

After what seemed an age, he got the door open, greeting Ben with a sheepish smile.  Even knowing how much trouble he was likely to be in - considering the tone with which he\'d walked out on his fledgling two nights before, not to mention the whole Ichabod factor - he was exultant to see the blonde again.  His heart soared and after that smile was delivered, he stepped back with the motion of opening the door wider, standing half behind it to allow his beloved easy entry.  "Hello.  Come in," he bade softly.

[Trillian]

When Kerr opened the door, Ben\'s constantly running stream of thoughts and hypothesised outcomes for how things might go, congealed and came to a sluggish stop upon sight of his sire.  He noted the smile but was unable to respond properly to it, though he didn\'t frown or scowl or pull any other kind of face.  His eyes met Kerr\'s and he nodded his greeting, a twitching smile trying to begin at the corners of his mouth before he abandoned it and said \'thank you\' so softly it was difficult to hear.  He stepped through the doorway, walked in four steps and stopped.

He heard Kerr close the door behind him, and looked out at the apartment that was now his sire\'s.  He was having trouble associating this place with good memories - the house had been better, because at least he\'d been drunk from in there, and had slept in Kerr\'s bed there.  This place, apart from the initial excitement of seeing it and thinking Kerr could now be his, spawned nothing but memories of arguments, insecurities and betrayals.  He had to change that, and he recognised his part in all of their misunderstandings and difficulties, so he could now play a part in turning it around.

Seeing Kerr in bed with another

Ichabod

man had at first hurt him, and then there had been Kerr\'s words saying that it had nothing to do with him, finishing the job of ripping up his heart.  Ben didn\'t want to be placed on the sidelines, listening to Kerr saying it was none of his business, that his choices of removing the loneliness out of his life had nothing to do with Ben, and that he wasn\'t going to wait for him to come around.

Ben had a choice now, he could see it clearly.  If he didn\'t plunge ahead with their relationship, regardless of whether he felt ready or not, whether he felt it was the right time or not, waiting for that impossibly romantic moment where everything came together and they would fall into each other\'s arms, he would lose Kerr.  He didn\'t want that to happen.  So here, now, tonight, freshly showered, a single spray of cologne, wearing a crisp white button up shirt and bluejeans, with sneakers on his feet, he meant to come here and let Kerr know all of these things, most of all that Ben didn\'t want Kerr out of his life.

He turned his head and looked at his sire now, wondering if he would allow things to happen in the order that Ben had thought would be best - sex, then talk, when they were calm and the tension gone from the air.  He fiddled with the top button of his shirt, not quite daring to start undressing immediately.  If his heart was still pumping it would\'ve beat at a sprinting pace in his chest, but there was nothing to let Kerr know how Ben was feeling, for the floodgates of his mind were completely shut while Ben battled with himself, psyching himself up for a bold move.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr returned to stand quietly beside Ben but facing him, wondering whether he should blurt everything out or... no.  Definitely not.  He couldn\'t bear the thought of launching into a spiel about how he had a new pet so quickly.  Frankly, he knew it would hurt Ben and only damage their tentative relationship further.  If he could\'ve got away with it, he\'d have avoided telling him altogether, or another night, but he also didn\'t want to be accused of hiding it or lying.  It would have to come out tonight but... not yet.

He cleared his throat, watching his fledgling fiddle nervously with his shirt and acknowledging that they were obviously both nervous and uptight - for different reasons, of course.  "I\'m glad you\'re here," he blurted out, though he\'d been wanting to invite Ben to sit.  He blinked and decided to rectify that.  "Would you like to sit down?"  The words were formal but he warmed them with a small, hopeful smile and a gesture towards the leather seats across the room.  His hands came together after that little wave, though, rubbing against one another slowly, for something to do.

He needed to apologise.  He would wait until they were sitting.

[Trillian]

The first thing Kerr said to him brought a smile to Ben\'s face.  It was something good, something he wanted to hear and the smile came easily in response, lightening the air around them and taking some of the tension away.  It was a different kind of tension, Ben thought, because he was so nervously focussed on his intentions.

Sit down?  It would be a different scenario to the ones Ben had imagined, of stripping himself of his shirt and saying some witty sexy line, or walking up to Kerr and undressing him, also while saying some kind of witty line, straight out of the movies.  "No," he began, thinking that now was the time to begin with what he\'d been planning, but his hands seem to lose all of their motor skills and he couldn\'t unbutton his fucking top button for the life of him.  "Yes," he corrected suddenly, the pregnant pause between them overwhelming so that he had to fill it.  He chuckled softly, sheepishly, shrugged and turned in the direction of the lounge, his hand leaving his shirt now and he walked stiffly to the sofa, choosing the middle cushion so that Kerr could sit beside him and they\'d be close.  Oh God, what if Kerr sat in the armchair?  He hesitated, then plopped himself down on the middle cushion anyway, looking wide eyed up at his sire, and licked his lips - not suggestively, but nervously.  It was after his tongue was back in his mouth that he reconsidered the best way he could\'ve done that, but it was too late - he was hardly going to make a suggestive pose now.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr hesitated as he followed after Ben, wondering if he should sit close to him, for he was aware of Ichabod\'s scent on him, on the couch where they\'d been laying, the cushion the mortal had been fiddling with.  All those logical arguments for keeping his distance evaporated magically, though, when Ben sat where he did.  In the middle of a three seater, and looking at him, practically begging him to be close.  What could he do but comply?

He sat on Ben\'s right, with his left leg tucked beneath him so that he was sitting side on and able to face his fledgling squarely.  He observed the blonde for a moment, marvelling at the fact that he was so much older than the teenager, yet he felt terribly much younger with the amount of nerves he was experiencing.  It was reassuring that Ben was feeling the same way; it gave Kerr the courage to reach out tentative fingers and stroke them against Ben\'s thigh - not boldly still, but gently, almost in the motion a cat blissfully clawing a pillow would make.  His gaze was trained there, too.

"I\'m... desperately sorry about... about the other night.  I shouldn\'t have come to your place and... well, I acted boorishly.  I\'m thoroughly humiliated by my behaviour and I\'m glad you\'re here because it might mean, perhaps, that you could... forgive me?" he asked meekly, leaving his lowered but looking up through his lashes at his fledgling.  "I\'m so sorry," he whispered, automatically upon meeting those beloved silvery blue eyes.  He felt like crying the second he did and his voice wavered a little on the final apology, the corners of his mouth wobbling ever so slightly.  It broke his heart to think of the way he barged into Ben and Arles\' home, demanded his story be heard and then stormed out when Ben didn\'t manage to comply with his expectations.  Boorish was putting his behaviour in a favourable light.

[Trillian]

When Kerr sat beside him, another little smile found Ben\'s face and he turned on his seat also, leaning on his right side against the back of the sofa, his head tilted in that direction also.  He was very aware of the touch on his thigh, not daring to move - even if it was closer - in case Kerr interpreted incorrectly and removed his hand.

He listened to Kerr\'s apology pour out of his mouth before Ben could act any further, unsurprised that now he\'d made this decision, things seemed a lot simpler, a lot clearer.  He waited until Kerr was finished, not interrupting him, letting him have his say, the small smile that had finally worked its way onto his face now had a better hold, and it was easy to see that Ben was no longer angry or displeased.  The small sound of Kerr choking off on his own apology tore at his chest, but differently to when Kerr had been yelling at him, talking down to him about the nature of their relationship.  This was about as right as it was going to get.

Ben shifted now, finding the courage to move closer to Kerr, to almost crawl into his lap and place his arms around him, nuzzling his throat.  He could smell the scent of a mortal on him, but it didn\'t alarm him, thinking that Kerr had feasted on someone downstairs or on the streets instead of going into his bag supply - the scent wasn\'t recogniseable - thinking that Kerr had his arms wrapped around someone before Ben\'s arrival was the furthest thing from his mind.

So he knelt up on the sofa cushion, leant forward, half sat half leant across Kerr\'s lap to get to his ear, arms around his sire\'s neck, kissed and nuzzled his throat for just a moment.  He considered starting to undress Kerr here and now, and them progressing towards the consummation of their relationship on the sofa itself - but as imperfect as Ben was willing to let this be, he didn\'t want the sofa to be the first place they did it.

His lips found Kerr\'s ear while one hand stroked his hair, and he whispered: "Take me to bed?"  It hadn\'t meant to come out as a question, it was supposed to be a daring demand, something that was thrilling and sexy instead of nervous and pleading.  Oh well, who cared, it was out now and the question hung between them.  He expected Kerr to be so willing that he would pick him up and carry him through without further comment.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s soaring emotions faltered very abruptly.  One moment he\'d been basking in the heavenly touch of his beloved\'s forgiveness, his hands roaming up, over the lovely form hovering above him, the next he\'d been spun to face the fact that there was more than just forgiveness on offer here.  Ben seemed interested in taking it another step further - way further than Kerr had believed him interested in.

His roving hands faltered and squeezed Ben in his surprise.  He pulled back (slouching down in the chair a little) so that he could see his fledgling\'s face, could look directly into his eyes and see what was hiding there in the way of reasons.  He thought very carefully before he spoke, though a great part of his brain seemed to be busy rejoicing at his love\'s words and couldn\'t be relied upon to offer up much in the way of a decent response (that part of his brain was also the evil part insisting that he could mentally tell Ichabod to hide in the bathroom until he and Ben were done and then they could have that talk).

"I\'ve wanted to do that for a very long time now," he admitted, cupping Ben\'s face and frowning worriedly at him, "but... what changed your mind?  It seems... sudden and... well, I don\'t want you making a decision you\'ll regret just because you\'re not positive that I\'ll wait for as long as you need.  I will wait, you know - I promised and I will," he insisted, his gaze dropping to look at Ben\'s beautiful lips, where his thumb was suddenly stroking beneath the bottom one.

[Trillian]

The feel of Kerr\'s hands on him reminded him how good it had been being here, all that time ago.  He\'d relished Kerr\'s hold, he\'d adored being in his embrace, had loved the feel of his hands on him and listening to the lilt of his accented words and the rumble of his voice in his chest.

With one hand helping himself remain propped up and the other returning to his own face, to hold Kerr\'s hand against his own cheek, sandwiching it there, he smiled at his sire as Kerr wanted to make sure it was the right call - as Ben had figured he would.  It only served to enhance his decision.

"Because I don\'t want to make you wait and watch the chasm grow between us.  I don\'t want to feel the tension in the air when we talk, or flinch from your touch." He clutched at Kerr\'s jumper now.  "There\'s no point mourning losing being your first if I don\'t get to have you at all."  Ben started tugging the jumper higher before moving his hand underneath so he could caress Kerr\'s chest beneath the woollen material.  "Take me to bed," he said again.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr dragged Ben\'s face closer and kissed him.  He knew he couldn\'t accept, that he would have to shatter this lovely moment now, but he really, really didn\'t want to.  He also knew that kissing his fledgling was probably the wrong thing to do but he couldn\'t resist, not with the heartfelt words pouring between them, the proximity, his fledgling\'s scent.  It was too much to break it immediately, so he took something that he could have indefinitely, something that he needed to reassure him that there was this undeniable passion between that would, hopefully, hold them together through his news.

He broke the kiss and held Ben in place, eyes closed, pressing his forehead to the blonde\'s.  "I can\'t," he ground out, the words difficult to say.  "I have something to tell you that\'s going to upset you and I can\'t - in all honesty and as much as I fucking want to be dishonest - take you to bed until you know this.  Because you won\'t want to, once I tell you, I think, but you deserve to choose."  He swallowed when he finished talking, lossening his hold marginally because he believed Ben would want to sit back away from him and he was prepared for that.  It occurred to him suddenly to wonder if Ben was the hitting type; two nights ago he\'d been called a fucking asshole for bedding Ichabod.  Could he possibly gain a slap for now owning the mortal (in the eyes of the Oligarchy)?

[Trillian]

The kiss to him was the beginning of acceptance, and he responded heartily, losing himself in it as he had, and found himself wondering how many times he\'d been lost in a kiss with Kerr - two others that he could recall, the first one was branded into his brain as surely as Declan\'s cuts were branded into his back.  He\'d been in Kerr\'s bed, it had been simple and beautiful.  The second one was here, he thought, but it was a little lost among the arguments and tears.  This one competed with the first, it was so achingly wonderful that a chill travelled along Ben\'s spine, causing him to tremble lightly in Kerr\'s hold - he thought this one superior.

To feel the break of the kiss followed by the words \'I can\'t\' was so confusing that at first Ben could only open his eyes and stare down at Kerr\'s jumper.  His sire continued with the explanation behind his no, and Ben frowned, feeling the hold around him loosen so that he backed off a little (but was still leaning forward close to Kerr, a hand now on the back of the sofa holding him up) so he could see Kerr\'s face.

Upset him?  Can\'t?  Choose?  What?

Ben struggled with what could possibly stop Kerr from bedding him and he couldn\'t think of a single thing.  What could be happening now that Kerr denied their union when he declared that he wanted it so badly?  Ben didn\'t want to know, but he found himself asking anyway.

"Tell me."