Ben\'s Condition - Part V

[Existentially Odd]

(Continued from \'Ben\'s Condition - Part IV\')

Once he\'d let Ben into his apartment, he closed the door and hung his keys, as per usual, looking frankly at his fledgling. The talking... still wasn\'t coming easily because he didn\'t think either of them knew where to start. Actions were easier to focus on than words, anyway.

"I... need a shower," he declared, unbuttoning his coat. "Do you want to come in with me? Or use the other shower?" he offered, believing the blonde would likely be as keen as he was to wash the muck of the night\'s events away - even if they were figurative, rather than literal. Kerr felt dirty. He wasn\'t sure a shower would fix it - it might take all the words he couldn\'t find, after all - but he was hoping it would be a strong start.

[Trillian]

Ben was mute until the offer of a shower was made. The idea of showering with Kerr was very odd, after all that had happened, yet something in him wanted it, wanted to have something intimate with Kerr without having to go any further, something that would hopefully relax them both and take away this strange chasm between them, as well as make him feel cleaner.

"I\'ll come in with you," Ben said, accepting one of the suggestions Kerr had made. He waited for Kerr to lead the way (or gesture for him to go first) and then made his way to the bathroom that he knew Kerr used.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked his surprise but bit back a comment.  He\'d never have predicted that Ben would agree to a shower with him and he couldn\'t help but wonder what might have prompted the change... from someone so modest that Kerr had never even seen him properly naked to agreeing to shower with him.  Was it the trauma of the evening?  Or was it just the fucking ancient\'s influence?  Really... he wasn\'t sure he wanted to know.

With a perfunctory nod, Kerr led Ben into the bedroom, pausing only to hang up his coat and kick his shoes off, in his wardrobe, before stepping out of the walk-in space behind his bed and onto the cold black tiles of the ensuite. He didn\'t bother with any lights; the curtains to the balcony were pulled back as per usual (the shutters came down and completely blocked all light daily and he was confident of this fact now; confident enough to leave all his curtains pulled back permanently, to enjoy the views) and they could see exactly what they were doing.

He said nothing all through the disrobing process, dropping his clothes in the hamper and then moving to the shower to turn it on. This stall was large, exactly like the one at his house had been - and fitted with two nozzles - but it wasn\'t in the corner, for the spa took all that space, so the shower heads inside were side by side. He took the liberty of taking the left shower but turned on the right one for Ben as well, leaving it to him to make the adjustments as he saw fit. They would have to share the soap, sitting unassumingly in its dish between the two sets of taps, so Kerr began his ablutions by washing his hair. He felt it necessary to clean himself thoroughly from head to toe, anyway.

He was very aware of Ben by his side when his fledgling entered the stall but avoided staring, choosing to stick to inane conversation rather than anything controversial.   "Did you want to use the shampoo?" he asked quietly, finding the normal nature of his words and tone most surreal.  He\'d been separated from Ben for so long his heart had ached with misery and then to find him as he had... it didn\'t bear thinking on... but to end up here, in this mundane environment, discussing shampooing and waiting for Ben to put the soap back in the dish so he could use it... it left him hollow, somehow, and craving... more.

[Trillian]

Some of it had been Lazarus\' influence, working on him not to be so modest, but some of it was also Kerr\'s influence, humbled in his presence so that nudity wasn\'t really the focus between them - it was being allowed time to spend with him.  Ben didn\'t want to separate again, he\'d been on his own and look at what happened.  He was almost too scared to venture into his own space in case he was shaken awake from his dream by the arrogant blonde vampire who\'d so easily taken over his life.

"Yes, please," Ben said, as politely as ever.  The soap went into the dish as Kerr had predicted, in order for the fledgling to take the shampoo bottle, cupping his hand for a quick dollop of the white creme to fill it before rubbing it into his hair and creating a pleasant-smelling foam that took him quite sharply into the present moment, making him realise that this wasn\'t a dream, for dreams didn\'t have smells so powerful.  It was Kerr\'s brand of shampoo, one of Kerr\'s smells, and so he closed his eyes and wiped the lather over his face, keeping his hands upon his cheeks, his nostrils flaring to take in as much of the smell as possible.  He realised he might look a bit odd like that, so rinsed his hair off, holding his face under the spray and then glancing over at Kerr, to see if he was being watched.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was watching him, a ruminative expression softened by an indulgent smile as he negligently washed his left foot - his ankle rested on his opposite knee so that he could bend down and make this possible.  He dropped the foot and swished it under the spray so that all the soap was washed away, when Ben looked at him, stepping under the spray from his nozzle but facing sideways, towards his fledgling.

"Arles didn\'t know where you were," he said softly, making it a statement because he knew it to be fact.  He\'d called and his fellow sire had been as nonplussed and worried as he.  The Oligarchy had been no better; weeks before, he\'d been to talk to them about the hunter that had followed Ichabod and, as he\'d predicted, he\'d got the interview with Halen he\'d thought he might, except the Luminary hadn\'t wanted to discuss Liam at all.  He\'d only been interested in lecturing Kerr about his responsibilities towards Ben and wanting to know why they were separated, which had made him feel like shit and sent him out of the chambers in a huff, long before anything was resolved.

Now, Ben was back, and he still didn\'t have a clue where to start, though he sensed that mentioning Arles was likely to trigger conversations too personal for him to handle right now.  It was all so dark and twisted.... so scary, what he\'d seen of Ben and Lazarus together.  He couldn\'t process it and he was afraid to know more... banal seemed the best route to take, it was just... Arles should know that Ben was safe.  "You should call him," he advised, his voice emotionless as he idly watched the water coursing over the beautiful skin of Ben\'s stomach.

[Trillian]

Ben nodded at this request of a considerate act.  It was strange to start thinking of others after he\'d been yelled at for putting other people\'s needs before his own.  He\'d just started getting the hang of being selfish, when Kerr had stepped back into his life, and it wasn\'t like he was disappointed, though if Lazarus had made the scenario hypothetical and asked him what Ben would\'ve said and done, the answers would\'ve been vastly different to reality.  It seemed he couldn\'t even predict his own behaviour.

"I\'ll call him tomorrow," he promised, averting his gaze in order to rinse off the rest of himself, not uncomfortable beneath Kerr\'s watchful eye, but not put at ease by it either.  There was conditioner to be had, so he picked that bottle up next, cupping his hand to dispense the creme, and being taken aback once again by a strong smelling Kerr association.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr finished washing all his most personal bits, feeling he should shield Ben somewhat from such crass behaviour and turning his back a little, if only to protect Ben\'s sensibilities, rather than his own.  He was happy enough with the promise that Arles would be called and left it at that, not caring when it happened, really.  Selfishly, he had Ben and that was all he was interetsed in focussing on.

Kerr shut off his shower not long after and moved carefully past Ben, not completely avoiding contact but not wanting to intrude on Ben\'s space, either.  As it happened, the blonde stepped forward to rinse off his conditioner - or something - at about the same time, so Kerr was able to sneak out without a drama.  He pulled his towel off the rail once he did, then got a clean one out of the cupboard for Ben, standing ready to give it to his beloved when he exited, rather than drying himself off, for he predicted Ben wouldn\'t be far behind him.

There was a bath mat in front of the shower, but also a larger rug in the centre of the floor between the stall and the sinks and that was where Kerr waited, not wishing to crowd, taking it steadily and cautiously... cautiously at all costs.

[Trillian]

Ben stepped out not long after, on the same wavelength as his sire.  Now that they were close again and Ben felt like he\'d washed some of the alley off him, he was more open to the connection he had to the vampire he shared a blood bond with - though his mental shield was still firmly closed and had been for all the time he\'d been with Lazarus, after that first night when the blonde had insisted they should talk in the regualar fashion.

He took the towel from Kerr, dried first his hair and then his body, so that he wouldn\'t drip onto himself, and out of habit placed the towel around his hips, low enough so that it clung there through willpower alone it seemed like.  He looked at his sire for a prompt, wondering what was going to be suggested next.  Probably bed.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was done brushing his teeth in no time, liking the minty taste and feeling the weight of Ben\'s stare as he finished up, spitting, rinsing and then pulling the towel off his hips in order to wipe his face before putting it back on the rail.  He finger combed his hair as he did, meeting Ben\'s gaze almost sheepishly - because the subtle lift and dip of his head as he played with his hair prolonged the moment where he\'d have to talk... just a little bit longer.

Eventually, he decided he might as well have properly combed it, for all the fussing he was doing and shrugged questioningly at Ben, left hand scratching his right elbow out of nerves more than an actual need to scratch.  "Bed?" he suggested, then moved in that direction when the blonde nodded, pulling down the covers and then walking around to his side to lay down, his back to the view through the balcony doors and on his right side, facing Ben.  His toes played idly with the folded down covers but he decided he would wait until he was joined before he pulled them up.  They were for comfort - and because he thought Ben would like to be covered - more than warmth, and could wait.

[Trillian]

Ben hung up his towel after Kerr had suggested they go to bed, and followed his sire into the bedroom and dutifully taking the spare side once Kerr was in position, reaching down with his sire to pull the bedcovers up and over them, shifting a little to get comfortable upon a mattress that was softer than he was used to, for Lazarus had liked their bed firm.  The pillows were appropriately fluffy and he lay down facing Kerr, waiting for questions to pour out of him.  It was possible there would be none, and they would just sleep, and he could handle it either way, he thought.

It had taken a long time for Ben to lay down with Kerr again, and he realised that the last time he\'d slept in Kerr\'s bed overnight was the second time he\'d shown up at Kerr\'s house, when Kerr had returned from his date with Mandy and Ben had put an unsuccessful move on him.  The memory now didn\'t dredge up any emotion whatsoever, and Ben was relieved, because he had the intellectual memory of being extremely embarrassed at Kerr\'s rejection.  Water under the bridge now, because he was here again.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, feeling awkward and more nervous than he\'d expected he would.  He was the elder, the sire; he was used to knowing the answers and being the one doing the training.  Now... he felt like a battered dinghy, cut from his moorings and adrift, trying to find his way through trecherous waters that could swamp him with one wrong stroke.

"Can I... touch you?" he asked softly, his hesitance obvious, his tone indicating the way he felt inferior, somehow, to Ben.

[Trillian]

At the question, Ben studied Kerr for a long moment, not expecting the request for permission, figuring that if Kerr had wanted to touch, he would\'ve touched, and not sure how he felt about the fact his sire felt the need to ask.

He nodded, but shuffled over before Kerr could move, deliberately not positioning himself in such a way that his back would be to Kerr, although spooning was a comfortable position.  He faced his sire, even as he tucked himself into him, lowering his face to press his forehead against Kerr\'s chest, his legs moving and entwining with Kerr\'s as much as he was able, and tucking his arms in so that he could be embraced and feel protected.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was greatly relieved when Ben did the moving for him, happy to allow his fledgling\'s leg between his, liking the way Ben tucked in against him and he was able to wrap himself around the smaller man - though he was somehwat concerned that he\'d draped himself over him uncomfortably.  He held Ben fairly loosely, just in case he might want to move, burying his face in the blonde strands atop his head and feeling slightly less lost with something to anchor him.  His heart was returned to him at last.

"I love you," he murmured, for it was the soul of everything and he couldn\'t stop those words. He stroked Ben\'s hair and shoulders with his right hand, for it was folded around and behind him.  His left sat still against his love\'s spine. He kissed the hair that was before his lips, content to let the night fade into the day like this.

Just like this.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t react, though something inside his mind slipped a little - a touch of Lazarus\' stronghold had melted away at Kerr\'s words.  He couldn\'t return the sentiment, his throat closed up completely and he felt like it would just be meaningless if he said it tonight anyway.  He wanted it to come from him to Kerr without prompt, and though he knew he was keeping his sire in a silence that might be an expectant silence, he remained physically impassive, merely closing his eyes, and letting the sandman steal him away.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned against his fledgling\'s hair, his heart shrivelling inside his chest at the sentiment not even being acknowledged - returned would have been too much, he knew that, for Ben had never been one to proclaim love, but acknowledged?

Finding tears welling and despair threatening to overwhelm him, Kerr scrunched his eyes closed and tried to focus on the fact that he at least had Ben in his arms.  It wasn\'t everything... but it was enough to stop him blubbering.

He slid uneasily into sleep, despite his best efforts at reassuring himself and his dreams were nightmares, plagued by Lazarus.

~*~

 
Kerr woke first, feeling the sun drift away from their part of the earth as his eyes opened slowly, and he found himself looking at the back of his fledgling\'s head. Still. He was filled with a growing warmth to be in this position, holding Ben close to him. They\'d moved a little during the day, finding their own space some but staying close together; his arm was still slung around his beloved\'s waist.

The Irishman shuffled forward once more, closing any distance they had and nuzzled his face into Ben\'s hair. The fact that the blonde was still sleeping gave him time to think about what he\'d say or do when he awoke but... he found himself not concentrating very well.  The abyss hadn\'t miraculously closed through the day and he had no answers about where they might go from here.

Had he the courage, he would wake Ben with a kiss, but that was out of the question.  At some point during their slumber together, he\'d got the eerie feeling that Ben was only lulling him into a false sense of security.  He\'d broken contact with Kerr to decide what he wanted, after all, and he\'d said... nothing the night before, just... complied.  It could be the beginning of the end.  The next time he saw those beautiful icy blue eyes, they could well be telling him that his love wasn\'t welcome any more and that Ben had discovered his path at last.

He dreaded that and knew he should probably get up and move away, but what good would running away do?  Prolonging the agony wasn\'t something he was interested in; his relationship with Sawyl had taught him that much.  Why waste his heart if it was all going to go to shit anyway?  He might as well suck it up and move on... despite the fact that his insides felt as big and tender as raisins right now.

When Ben finally did open his eyes, Kerr\'s gaze was filled with dread, though he attempted to summon a smile.  "Evening," he said, almost choking at forcing that one word out.  Inside, he was coiled, as if he expected a blow to level him and swamp him with pain but outwardly he was draped fairly loosely about Ben, giving him room to do as he wished, as always.