Talk

[Trillian]

HE WAS comfortable lying across all three sofa cushions on his stomach, wearing a pair of vertically striped blue and white board shorts and a tattered t-shirt that was a faded mustard yellow, reading his way through a book filled with crime and mystery.  It wasn\'t often that he read fiction in lieu of looking up volumes of research, but sometimes he needed to just hang out and tonight was one of those nights.

He\'d woken in Kerr\'s arms at the beginning of the night, they\'d silently touched and stroked with gentle caresses until things got heated and they\'d ended up having sex, building an appetite that they usually sated downstairs with passersby that Kerr would pull in for them like an expert fisherman.  Then they\'d come upstairs groping and giggling like schoolboys before yet another sexual interlude took over the instant they were in through the door.  A shower followed, then Ben had dressed and grabbed the book he\'d spied on Kerr\'s bookshelf the other night while Kerr checked on his online auction.

It was cosy, and Ben was happy, and it hadn\'t taken long for them to settle into their lovers routine.  There had been awkward moments though, every now and then a silence after a comment Ben had made which earned him a thoughtful look from Kerr, or sometimes Kerr would say something that he\'d think warranted a reply but Ben would have none.  Those moments weren\'t too many and paled in the warmth and happiness they had in their present moment - but like a dark cloud heralds rain, Ben could feel something coming.

It took the form of conversation.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr entered from his office, frowning broodily and gnawing on his tongue stud, wearing jeans alone. He flopped into the single armchair because it was in Ben\'s line of sight - if he chose to look up from his book - slinging a leg over the arm of it and glowering in his fledgling\'s direction. His bare foot swung in the air, showing his agitation.
 
He was pissed off because he\'d missed the sale of an antique he\'d been particularly looking for for years, simply because it was sold at a private auction in France. Sometimes, being in the States was a detriment - the place to be was Europe, frankly - and learning about the piece going to a collector he\'d become familiar with only by seeing their gloating posts on the forums he frequented was an even more bitter blow.
 
Moments such as these made him want to pick up and visit the more history-oriented continent, so that he didn\'t have to bite back such frustrations.  It left him restless and resentful.  He\'d been bound when he was with Sawyl and the twins but, looking at Ben, he realised it shouldn\'t have to be that way now.  What was keeping them here?  Why couldn\'t they just pick up and go scour Italy for the end table he wanted?
 
He supposed Ben\'s tie with Arles was important... which made him consider Mandy and Ichabod.  They were part of the reason they stayed in this city, certainly.  Of course, the thought of his so-called pet only led to a darker frown, because it then had him thinking, logically, of Lazarus as well.  Another reason to leave, rather than stay, for Kerr half expected the man to turn up any night now.  He had after Ichabod had been gifted to him and he and Ben had been together long enough that he could lob in and spoil their equilibrium quite easily.
 
He was tired of living in fear of such a thing, of imagining himself watching helplessly while the ancient exercised his influence over his fledgling at his own discretion, and now was the perfect time to broach it (when he was already riled and not governed by cowardice).
 
"I was wondering something," he declared, deliberately smoothing his expression so it didn\'t look like he was angry with Ben - though he wasn\'t aware of the stern look in his eye.  "About you and Lazarus.  Can I ask?"

[Trillian]

As much as Kerr\'s expression was stern, Ben\'s was guarded.  He took a moment for his attention to move from his book, the muscles in his body tensing at the mention of Lazarus\' name, and then he shifted onto his side, his back to the back of the sofa, the book closed with his finger locked between the pages to keep his place, though it was forgotten.

"Sure," he said, and though the word wasn\'t as easy as it should sound, he wasn\'t emotionless, wasn\'t masking himself off.  Ben was on edge though, depending on what question it was that Kerr wanted to ask, for the question that his sire wished to know would tell him a great deal about Kerr\'s priority of concern.

Ben didn\'t even bother sitting up all the way, he wanted to remain relaxed, undisturbed, as though it wasn\'t bothering him to have the blonde Ancient\'s name dredged up now (when they were going so well), but maybe Kerr had been sitting on his questions and Ben had only been kidding himself thinking that they\'d remain focussed on present and future forever.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was encouraged by Ben\'s reaction, admiring the (cautiously) casual pose and feeling better about expressing a few of his ponderings.  Some things he didn\'t want to know still, but he thought he should, now, just so that he could have it answered, resolved and buried.  For moving on - whether it was here in this city or some of the others he wanted to go to.

His expression lightened a little, his lower lip pooching and wriggling to show that his tongue was moving inside his mouth, as he tasted the different ways he might ask his question.  He didn\'t wish to lead straight in with the really confronting stuff - like how often Ben and Lazarus had fucked a night and if Kerr compared favourably - but the greatest facets of concern to him were certainly not flippant and he had to take care.

"I just... wanted to know that... well... it was his idea that you killed... right?" he asked slowly, his foot no longer swinging over the arm of his chair and a frown of worry creeping onto his face as he stared into hypnotic blue eyes and waited nervously for his answer.

He assumed, from the blasé manner in which Ben had been watching Lazarus fuck a corpse - and Kerr had even heard his fledgling calmly inform him of the fact - that it was something they\'d done more than once and that Ben had partaken (though he hoped not of the necrophilia - again, a hardcore question he wasn\'t going to jump on in there with).  He just... really needed to know that the killing hadn\'t ever been from Ben\'s instigation.

[Trillian]

"He wanted me to kill," Ben said carefully after deliberating for a long moment how best to phrase it, and directly seemed the easiest, "but I couldn\'t quite do it, so he had me watch him kill," Ben explained, then quietened, waiting for the next question.  He realised that his answer was just semantics because watching someone take a life and not objecting was as good as doing it yourself, right?  Though there was a connection in his mind that Ben couldn\'t quite make - that watching wasn\'t the same as doing, and when he\'d tried, he hadn\'t been able to.  He wasn\'t disappointed with Kerr\'s question - in fact he liked that Kerr had asked him that first, because it was a bothersome topic, and he supposed Kerr had been wondering if he was shacking up with a murderer.

He couldn\'t hold eye contact suddenly, and dropped his gaze to his book before sitting up and then watching his hands in his lap.

[Existentially Odd]

The frown now dominated Kerr\'s brow and he gave in to some confusion over that particular clarification.  On the one hand, he was relieved that Ben hadn\'t killed.  But on the other...

"So you watched him kill?  And didn\'t try to stop him or... leave?  You condoned the killing of... how many?  All boys, I assume?" he asked, suddenly understanding what he was getting at as these tidbits of questions came to him and were voiced, but his stomach dropped at the thought of voicing what concerned him the most.

Why were you with him?

[Trillian]

Ben lifted his gaze to argue, to justify, his mouth opening with unspoken comments about how what he\'d done wasn\'t so bad because... and he shut it again, because it was exactly as bad as Kerr had thought.

Ben nodded, then looked back down at his lap.  Yes, he\'d watched Lazarus kill.  Yes, he\'d stayed.  Yes, all boys.  Youths his own age, a little younger or a little older, what did it matter?

"He kills all the time," Ben said softly, explaining what it was like to be with Lazarus.  "It\'s his sport.  He... would\'ve done it anyway."  Though Ben knew Lazarus had been showing off for him, had been more insatiable than usual.  His voice abandoned him and his hands made fists in his lap.

[Existentially Odd]

And that didn\'t BOTHER you??

Kerr wanted to scream his confusion at Ben, to tell him how the man he loved had never wanted to kill, had been fearful of doing it accidentally and had asked numerous questions and silently begged for the reassurance of both of his sires when he first drank, just in case he slipped up... but what was the point?

Ben knew that as well as he did, and he\'d opted to watch, rather than leave, he\'d decided to approve with the simple action of observing Lazarus at his sport.  A fickle and pitiful excuse, if ever there was one.

"Does... do you like killing, now?" the Irishman asked pensively.  "Is that something you... did you...  what I found you and him doing... did you do that, too?"

[Trillian]

Now the questions hurt him.  Ben couldn\'t believe that Kerr would think so little of him.  Sure, it must\'ve been a shock, especially when Lazarus had been doing what he was doing, but Ben had been disassociating himself from it all, detaching himself away, desensitizing - that had been the point.  A stupid one, but he hadn\'t exactly been egging Lazarus on here, and it seemed Kerr believed that not only had Ben been capable of observing, but also participating - even after Ben had denied any such thing.

"No."  The answer covered all the questions.

The numbness began to throb in him, wanting to wash over him, to offer him the comfort of feeling nothing, but Ben held it at bay, to see what the next question was that Kerr wanted to ask.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr merely nodded, trying not to give away the relief he\'d felt inside but not able to hide the fact that he slouched a little lower in his chair and tilted his head, summoning a smile.  He hadn\'t realised there had been so much tension in him until that very moment, hadn\'t realised the stress he\'d been under in wondering if the man he loved had changed into Sawyl while he wasn\'t looking.

He hadn\'t stopped being the one to collect them nourishment every night, though... just in case.

"I didn\'t think so but... Lazarus has a way of influencing people.  I was hoping the effects wouldn\'t have been lasting but... how long were you with him?"

How often did you fuck?

He frowned briefly at the thought that came to him, repressing it firmly and wondering just how long

and why?  WHY?!

Ben was with Lazarus out of the three weeks he\'d been gone, instead.

[Trillian]

Ben continued to frown at this last question, though he let the numbness drift away without taking him over.  The question wasn\'t one he couldn\'t handle, though he was wary of how it had been phrased.

"I wasn\'t with him," he said after a moment.  "He sought me out one night and we talked.  After that we would... meet up and... "

He stopped there, shaking his head to indicate his sentence was over.  There was no \'and\', he didn\'t want to talk about what Kerr had already been told about.  Oh, what Kerr saw was the active part of Ben\'s conditioning, the physical acts that Lazarus had wanted Ben to consent to, to participate in, but Ben had denied him.  Problem was, the words Lazarus used before trying to make Ben kill had been a lot more powerful and influencing.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked and then quickly tried to squash his surprise.  He wouldn\'t be able to hide it completely, of course - especially since a comment was formed, stewed and left his tongue barely after he\'d finished that first eyelash flutter - but he didn\'t want to look so stunned that he came off as excited (even though these feelings were all about his jealous insecurities, really, and how happy he was to have been wrong, in this case).

"You didn\'t... live with him?  I thought you two were... that you and he... uh," and he couldn\'t say it, even now, even when he was likely to be told that the blondes weren\'t lovers.  Well, he couldn\'t ask if they had been in any sort of polite way, anyway; best to not voice it at all and hope Ben just told him, one way or the other.

[Trillian]

Ben looked up at Kerr\'s stammering sentence, staring at him and willing him not to ask about that, because Ben wasn\'t able to deny it.  He\'d let Lazarus bed him once, and even though the Ancient had been desiring a great deal more and Ben had denied him, it didn\'t matter in the face of the fact that Ben had shared himself with him.  Who cared that it was once, when once was enough?

He was glad that Kerr hadn\'t managed to spit it out so Ben went with silence instead, unable to deny that they weren\'t lovers, unable to say anything, really, with the way Kerr had left it, so he brought the conversation around to something slightly different.

"I had my own place, why would I shack up with someone after wanting to live on my own?" he argued, very logically.  Yes, after that single day spent in Lazarus\' bed he\'d returned each day to his own place, which had served him very much like a hotel room for the amount of time he\'d actually spent in it.  But that was what it was like living alone, right?  Coming home to an empty place and going out with friends?  (Though Lazarus had been both less and more than just a friend).

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr watched Ben steadily, knowing suddenly, because he hadn\'t said it.  It had been a very obvious lead in, a starkly stated hope that Ben would deny the fact, but he hadn\'t. Because he couldn\'t.  Oh well.

"But you were barely ever there," he argued in a succinct monotone.  "Because you spent all your time with Lazarus anyway."

His gaze lowered and questions bounced madly about his head, everything he wanted to deny and couldn\'t, statements he wanted acknowledged... and an anger at himself that he still wasn\'t willing to let any of it out.

How often did you fuck, then?  How long did it take you to kill and rape helpless mortals every night?  How many were there?  Do you not understand what it is to take children from their parents?  Why were you with him?  Do you care about him now?  Will I ever be able to take you away from him or will part of you always be there, with him?  Did I rescue you or did I merely change locations for your misery?  Would you be willing to come with me, wherever I went, without hesitation, because you\'re mine?  But I have obligations, like you do.  Do we deny Arles, Mandy, Ichabod... fuck, even Sawyl and the twins?  You do realise that no man is an island, nor any vampire independent of his history?  Life\'s not a journey, it\'s a tree and it all stays there inside us as we put on progressively thicker layers.  I have layers and layers that you don\'t know and I don\'t judge you for what you did, I\'m just scared he\'s...

Is he better than me?

[Trillian]

Ben stared at Kerr for a long moment while the turmoil of thoughts circled in his sire without Ben\'s knowledge.  The question at the end, however, had left a trace in Ben\'s very sensitive communicative mind, and he wondered at it, what it might mean.  He knew the question hadn\'t been a part of the double that Kerr had thrown his way verbally, but it slotted in so nicely that Ben was left without a safety net as he tried to respond.

"He was teaching me not to hurt," he said quite suddenly, not wanting to give Kerr the power to shoot down this very simple statement - so simple it was almost painfully naive, Ben felt now, but it was different to say it out loud to what it had felt like.

He doesn\'t care, he doesn\'t hurt
All I had in me was hurt
I couldn\'t cope
He doesn\'t care
I was trying not to care

The thoughts were projected out, though not in formative sentences.  Most of these declarations weren\'t cognitive so much as felt, and it was like a dark ball of sapping energy, Ben\'s depression, the thing that had been building and growing inside him when Lazarus had rescued him, and then Kerr had rescued him from his rescuer.