[ooc]
Apologies to all, I\'m having a hard time with Dagger and a couple of my other characters, but to explain what happened, EO and I chatted it through in AIM, and so it follows below so readers of this thread (if there are any) can know what became of the characters in this scene.
Dagger: sends Mia away, figuring that he\'ll be more honest in an empty house and looks at Lam like he\'s sad she\'s no longer his and then takes a seat adjacent to the chairs
Lam: says she\'s there to apologise (when she finally gulps and manages to look up at him and smile) saying she shouldn\'t have called him an ass. It was rude of her
Dagger is quiet all the way through, he\'ll let her talk. He always did give her time to say everything on her mind
Lam admits she shouldn\'t have spoken to him rudely. She was uptight... she still doesn\'t know how to be around him and she shouldn\'t have lashed out. Admits she loves him, always will and finds it hard to align it with being distant. But it\'s getting better, she tells him.
(she smiles again, thinking how odd it is that she couldn\'t say she loved him for years for fear of it ruining everything and now she can just say it easily, because the love\'s changed. She knows it won\'t go away, but it\'s not as crazy, heh)
Dagger is hurt that she finishes talking with how its getting better. He\'s been looking at her with sadness in his eyes and a frown on his brow as he listens intent, and when she says that he blinks and muses on it, still looking at her. He then gets up to go sit beside her and waits for her to say something, for about 5 seconds...
Lam will move her leg to allow that, heart in her mouth, knowing she should say something
Dagger reaches up and touch her face with the palm of his hand, stroke her lips with his thumb, and tell her about how he badly wants to kiss her, how he misses kissing her, how he regrets that he\'s made it so he\'s no longer allowed, that he\'d taken her for granted, that he\'s sorry he lost her, that nobody else can replace her and he doesn\'t think that feeling will ever go away or \'get better\' then he\'ll take his hand away and look at her, waiting for her to respond expecting that she\'ll deny him and leave, maybe while crying - he knows he\'s playing her heart strings
Lam leans against his hand, against him and sigh, thinking
Dagger continues to watch her, waits for her response
Lam says that she\'s very sorry it ended the way it did too, that she wishes she was enough for him, that he\'s irreplacable too; that their years together can\'t be forgotten but... it\'s too painful to be with him wanting him and knowing she\'ll never have him, imagining having his children, being his wife, sleeping beside him every night... and knowing that will never happen. She\'s not strong enough to bear that, she\'s sorry she\'s weak (Starts to cry a bit then, feel guilty about Kysis and start thinking about him and doubting herself there, feel like she\'s using him and fall quiet, thinking guiltily on that, really)
Dagger\'s quiet for a while, knowing that this is the reason why Lam left him in the first place, but marriage scares him, feels like it\'ll kill their passion, and he\'d rather have her leave him with the passion intact than marry her and... then realises how stupid and ridiculous he is for thinking that, and tells her the reason why he\'s scared of marriage - that it would take away the very thing that binds them together, their passion
Lam frowns and tells him that\'s stupid
Dagger snaps back that she is to name a couple whose passion remained the same after the first couple of years
Lam tells him that their passion would remain... would HAVE remained... but he always had the stupid idea that he needed variety and other people to inspire the passion. He\'s all she ever needed. Passion changes after marriage, that\'s true, but it deepens
Dagger replies saying that it was never about anybody else
Lam asks what the hell was it about then?
Dagger kisses her passionately. Lam responds. Dagger lets it continue for as long as it feels right, and then pulls back from the kiss, but remains with his forehead on hers and says: it was about keeping that, keeping you, us, the same. you said you wanted change.
Lam listens to that feeling all kinds of mixed up. She would frown, her heart hammering and pull back from him leaning his forehead on hers. "I do (whispered) I\'m... leaving. For a while. Kysis and I... we\'re going away"
Dagger looks at her, betrayed, waits for a full minute for her to say something else, so that\'s not the last thing he hears.
Lam closes her eyes briefly, not wanting to SEE that in his eyes, damnit, then look at him, starting to get a bit teary again. "We\'re going to Greece, for the ceremony of his title being granted. And so I can look at where he came from... his lands, his keep... I... don\'t know but... I wanted you to know. i won\'t be here for my birthday, the king granted me the time already"
Dagger interrupts her, which is unusual for him, with: "Don\'t leave me," and thinks that she already has, she\'s left him before and now she\'s doing it again.
Lam falls against him, sobbing into his neck or his shoulder or... whatever is convenient. "How can you ask me that? WHY ask me that?"
Dagger: "Because you already did it once and it\'s killing me"
Lam: It killed ME that you didn\'t want me completely
Dagger: I did, I just didn\'t know it, until now. Nobody... interests me anymore. I look at women now and I no longer wish to pursue them. I was keeping you at arm\'s length, I didn\'t want us to develop into something where you wanted a commitment. Who wants to marry a cheater? I.... I made a mistake. Now I have nothing. Unless you don\'t leave me. (Gives her a challenging look)
Lam blinks at his challenging look, confused. You\'re saying you WOULD marry me now?
Dagger doesn\'t want to say yes, that\'s too much for him, especially when he\'s unsure if she\'ll accept, so he has to make sure that she still wants that: "Would you stay if I did?"
She flounders, looking about the room, feeling it\'s spinning. "I... I..." Dagger waits for her answer. She blurts out: But we weren\'t going away or EVER, just a moon or so, then we\'d be back to see... uh (slows down)... if we want... (sighs resignedly, gaping at him) shit, Balthus. I don\'t know what to say... I spent twelve YEARS of my life wanting you exclusively, until you told me you wouldn\'t have a bar of it, so I forced myself to fall out of love with you and now... now you say you were wrong? I...*shakes her head, still flounderinga nd trying to process*
Dagger smiles tightly, can\'t look at her anymore so looks away and says: I wasn\'t proposing to you, Lam, I was asking if that was what you wanted. Do you really expect that I would change how I feel about marriage? Either way, I\'ve lost you. You won\'t return to me because I\'m not enough without a ring, though you profess to loving me as I am. (He shakes his head). Lam, you\'re a hypocrite.
Lam reaches out so she turn his face back to look at her, but Dagger stands before she can do so. Lam gets up hastily, and because of her leg, she falls and catches herself on Dagger, who instinctively helps her and looks at her with a pained expression, betraying how hurt he is. She grabs his arms and looks into his eyes, and tells him fiercely: It\'s not about a RING, damnit. It\'s about... about being WANTED. If you\'re saying that I\'m what you want then... *frowns and stops, her brain racing to catch up* I want something else, that\'s all. I\'m TIRED of going to bed alone, waking up alone, sneaking around and pretending I\'m heartless and that I don\'t care. I DO care. I want something MORE, mor ethan the guards, more than an empty house with no-one but a servant for company. I want LIFE and children and to experience things other than bruises and late night arrests and early mornings and nightmares about near death experiences! *falls quiet, then adds softly* I wanted it with you.
Dagger notices that she has used past tense, and though he\'s looking at her like he wants her back, he pushes against her so that they\'re standing apart from one another. He was ready to propose to her before, was ready to hand everything she wanted to her, but the way the conversation had fallen, the way she\'d phrased her words, he does not wish to make a leap of faith now, when she has someone else to distract her from meeting him halfway. "I don\'t want a woman who\'ll settle for another man," he tells her coldly, and his gaze hardens.
Lam looks at him, incredibly hurt. Wants to tell him he doesn\'t know WHAT the hell he wants and he sure as hell doesn\'t know what\'s good for him but opens her mouth to speak and knows she\'s just going to cry more and oh, she\'s still far too much in love with him, because it hurts far too much to hear him say such things. She doesn\'t say anything, she just leaves.
Dagger closes the door after her and stands with his head against it, listening to her leave, then knocks his head hard against the wood, hating himself for forcing her away. He storms up the stairs and into his bedroom, removes a small velvet pouch and the engagement ring inside it, goes to a window in the back of the house and throws it out, as hard as he can, into the land of his backyard, then collapses against the wall with his head in his hands, sobbing for what he\'s lost.
