Anonymous Musings (cont.)

[Existentially Odd]

Freddy glanced up at her from beneath his eyelashes, doing his best to keep his head tucked down and concentrating on the food she\'d given him.  He only had a mouthful to go and he\'d realised the folly of that too late.  He would be left with nothing to do once it was gone.  She started to speak and he watched her expectantly, but it seemed that she had nothing beyond that very awkward starter to continue with and he felt disappointed.

That was just stupid, but he was.  What did he want her to say?  What could she say that he would be looking forward to?  Why would his heart skip a beat at the mere thought that she was about to talk?  Yes, stupid.  He was the adult, he\'d have to put a stop to it, this awkwardness was terrible.

He swallowed his last morsel, drained his cup of any water that had pooled at the bottom since the ice melted and place the cup determinedly on the table.  Clearing his throat, he turned to look at her steadily.  "That was very nice, thank you.  And thank you for showing me a different side of you tonight, I enjoyed that too.  I apologise for... well, dismissing you in the past.  You\'re just young and... energetic," he told her sombrely, feeling a little like he was delivering a rehearsed speech, but it was exactly the smooth and even way he always spoke to people, so she shouldn\'t be too alarmed.

[Kysis]

When he cleared his throat, Ryanna jumped, turning her head swiftly to look at him.  The words were surprising.  He was apologizing for acting like she was a nothing before?  That was how a lot of people treated her, as a nothing or as a kid.  It meant a lot to her that he thought something else of her now.  In fact, it had that smile back, Ryanna finishing up her meat as she mulled over it.

It seemed like Freddy was done eating, his drink done too.  Ryanna stood, her own empty bowl in her hand as she crossed to him, picking up his glass in the hand that wasn\'t the bowl.  Why had he brushed her hand earlier?  She was so lost since the corset fell of that it was just hitting her now.  That contact had almost seemed deliberate.  The kiss on her forehead had been deliberate.  Unlacing her corset had been a promise, so it did not fit in here at all.

"Thank you for giving me a chance.  Ah... I can take your bowl if you\'re done with it?  Would you like more water?"  Ryanna was glad the night wasn\'t completely loss.  If anything, she gained some friendly ground, right?  There was still that interest in him, which Ryanna could feel as the fluttering of her heart in her chest, standing so close to him and still in so little.  Though Freddy seemed to think it was hot, somehow, Ryanna still felt somewhat cold.  It could be seen too, though Ryanna was ignoring it now.

What he had already seen, he had already seen, and nothing would change that.  Her tunic was just as transparent as it had been when she first walked out of her room, so it would make no difference now.  Ryanna focused on other things, like how she could slide her foot forward and kick his if she really wanted to, since they were not far away at all.  Ryanna also focused on what answer may come, hanging onto every moment in case it had a word in it.

[Existentially Odd]

He opened his mouth to answer, noticed how close she was to him and then shut his mouth again abruptly.  He shook his head as he looked down at the table, blushing and muttering.  "Yes, I\'m done.  Some more water would be good, might get my mind off inappropriate things," he told her, lifting his bowl - with the cup in it - towards her but staring intently at the wood before him.

Yes, the image of her naked torso coupled with that veiled hint of her breasts right before his eyes... they were overheating him again, though he doubted ten cups of water would fix it.  What he really needed to do was get up and leave.  Go home and lay in his own bed and... sleep... and not... think of her.  Damn.  He sighed, waiting for her to take the food and drink instruments off him.

[Kysis]

"Inappropriate things?"  Ryanna cocked a red brow at this statement, managing to take the bowl and cup without dropping anything.  She made no move to leave yet.  Her feet were anchored into place again, just she was facing him this time.  There was not more clothing on her, considering her dress had still covered her lower half when Freddy removed the corset, but...

Ryanna had the urge to ask \'what kind of inappropriate things\' but kept that swirling in her head only, feeling a rush in her body just from considering such things.  Ryanna looked down at him, staring at his face, wondering.  She really should take the bowls and cups back to the kitchen, get him more water like he wanted.  That was what she should have been doing.

However, those feet were still stuck there on the floor, bowls and cups balanced in her hands, held in front of her stomach, her bellybutton specifically.  Ryanna wanted to stop staring at him, wanting to get moving, but her body refused.  Every time her brain said move! her muscles said no!!!, thus keeping her right there.

"What kind of inappropriate things?"

The question finally blurted out, hanging on the still air of her house, the crackling of the fire at her back the only noise.  Ryanna knew she could not take the question back, and quite frankly, she didn\'t what to.  Whatever came, she would be ready for it, and she told herself that.  Ryanna really wanted to know.

[Existentially Odd]

Don\'t tell her, it\'s not polite

His jaw set and his hands clenched into fists on the table before him, his eyes not moving from staring at them as he debated answering her

No!  Don\'t tell her!

even though it went against all his instincts.  Well, not all of them, just the ones rooted in his brain.  The rest of him was quite willing to tell her whatever she wanted to know, for his tongue was still pretty loose and he thought what he\'d have to say would be complimentary, considering he also felt that she\'d been coming onto him all evening.  Her sly moves, her cheeky looks... the way she stayed so close to him that he could smell her scent wafting towards him on the waves of heat coming from the fire.

"Inappropriate things like... what it would feel like to run my hand up your leg and find out if you\'re still wearing those tight little knickers I saw earlier.  Innappropriate things like wondering how your... breasts would feel in my hands and... uh... well, you get the idea," he blushed, clearing his throat and waving off the rest of it with a flick of his now-unfurled hand.  He chanced a glance up at her, meeting her large, lovely eyes for once, before staring at the table once more.

"It\'s all inappropriate.  I\'m fifteen years older than you, I could be your father - and speaking of which, I work with your father!  It\'s not right, any of it," he condemned his thoughts, shaking his head at them and looking truly mollified.  His hands now pressed against one another, knuckles to palm, the sliding of the calloused skin audible in the quiet room.  "I\'m sorry.  It\'s not polite to speak of such things; I\'m a big, dumb guard but even I know that much.  I don\'t mean to have offended you?" he said sorrowfully, tilting his head so that he was looking hopefully up at her, an appealing expression on his face.

[Kysis]

For a moment she feared he would run away again, like he did when the corset came off.  Of course, that fear stopped when he started speaking, a blush rising to her cheeks at the statements he made.  It was not a bad blush, though.  He had seen her dressing?  Ryanna could see into her room out of the corner of her eye, and realized he had full view of her mostly naked.  Well, he had seen more of her body than she first thought.  The descriptions though, she could feel a touch of wetness between her legs because of it, her heart pounding in her chest.

All inappropriate?  She begged to differ.  When Freddy was done with his little speech, Ryanna put her stack of dishes down on the table behind her, taking a step closer to him when she was done.  They were barely apart now, and she could feel his body heat through her thin, thin tunic.  That was ok, though.  She had an important argument to make, and dammit, she was going to make sure he got the picture, wide and clear.

"I am not a kid any more.  I have woman parts, and woman wants.  Why can\'t I be a woman?"  Ryanna took a deep breath, voice serious, expression too.  She wanted desperately for him to do those things, and even more than she said, but she could not express that exactly yet.  There was something she had to get out of the way, first. "I live on my own, as you very well can see.  I am not daddy\'s little girl any more.  My life is my own now, and vice versa.  I am a woman."

If that didn\'t get the point across, Ryanna didn\'t know what would.

[Existentially Odd]

He found himself transfixed by her gaze, her words convincing and mesmerising as he stared up at her face.  She claimed to be a woman and he found he couldn\'t deny that - he didn\'t want to deny that, in fact.  She was still far too young for him but... she didn\'t seem too worried by that fact either.

While he was watching her, one of his hands slipped away from the other and dropped off the table\'s edge, falling upon the curve at the back of her calf.  His large hand cupped the muscle gently, hand dragging upward slowly to explore the indent of the back of her knee next.  He found her cool to the touch and incredibly soft and smooth - it was a startling change from the hand he\'d just been touching, and the sensation just begged to be fed, his body crying out for the greater stimulus of touching her thigh.

He held off, though, still staring up at her large eyes, thinking about what she\'d said.  "What is it you want, then?" he whispered, no other part of his body moving, just that hand on the back of one of her legs, slowly climbing higher.

[Kysis]

He was listening.  He was actually listening.  And not only that, but she felt his hand upon her leg, a thrill dancing up that limb, making her breaths suddenly feel a little more flighty.  She looked into his eyes, watched for his reaction there, craving for one over another.  Of course, there was always a possibility of the other, but Ryanna did not think about that.  She focused on the positive.  He was touching her, and slowly inching upwards.

The calloused hand felt good on her, and Ryanna wanted more.

The question hit her full force, and despite the flighty nature of her mind, she pieced through exactly what she wanted to say, what she need to say to get what she wanted.  Freddy might have claimed to be a stupid guard, but there were some things even those types could not miss.  That was direct statement.  It might make him realize that even if she hadn\'t externally intending it, she had been coming on to him earlier.  The back of her mind, the truest part of it, had made her come on to him earlier to fulfill its desires.  Well, now he was right here, in her house, and they were alone.  What was a better place?

"You."

Ryanna simply started with that, knowing she should continue on.  How did he put it?  It only took a few seconds at most to conjure that memory up, so fresh and deeply burned into her mind it was.  Her eyes begged him please as she spoke it.

"I want to know what your hand feels like, running up my leg and exploring to see what is beneath my tunic.  I want to feel your hands on my breasts, and more."

It was a mirror of what he said, of the images Ryanna knew Freddy already had in his head.  Her low, breathy voice saying it, so much closer to him, would drive those images home, she hoped.  They were already there, she was just bringing them back up.  Ryanna stepped a little closer, until the fronts of her legs were touching his.  It was as close as she could come without crawling onto him.  She did not want to just bring the images back up, she wanted them to become real, and made them as available as possible by her closeness.

[Existentially Odd]

He frowned, a look of bafflement dominant on his plain face as she stated that she wanted him.  He couldn\'t fathom it, couldn\'t see a reason for what he wanted to be returned like that. His life just didn\'t work like that.  What he wanted he never got, and the harder he tried, the more he got partial satisfaction and even greater loss.  It didn\'t make sense to him that this could come so easily now - there had to be a catch (beyond the restrictions he was imposing upon himself).

He shook his head slightly, yet turned to face her a little more, liking the feel of her cool body against his thigh; he fancied he could feel it, even through the material of his pants.  "But why?  It doesn\'t bother you that I\'m so much older than you?  That I... well, that I could possibly... uh... hurt you if... well, if we got close?" he asked her awkwardly, his blush returning.  "Why would you want me?"

It occurred to him in that very moment that she might want him not for very pure reasons after all, that she might, in fact, be after him because of his position and her career aspirations.  She might not have ever applied to be a guard and might even have waved the suggestion aside when it was talked about earlier that evening, but that could all have been a show.  Women were, by nature, more devious than men...

His heart hurt at the thought she might be using him and he watched her eyes desperately, hoping she could could give him reasons that had nothing whatsoever to do with where he worked.  His hand had come to rest on the back of her thigh and was also waiting for her response, his fingers and thumb sliding absently across her soft skin, as if trying to remember the feel of her.

[Kysis]

Why did he have to frown now, of all the times?  Ryanna\'s stomach lurched at the sight of it, at the look in his eyes, but her eyes stayed all the same: determined.  Finally her own hand reached out, fingertips brushing his cheek before her right hand ran back through his hair, toying with it.  It was quickly apparent that Freddy had a low self-esteem.  Very low.  There was disbelieve in his voice, in his look, it could not be missed, especially not with how intent Ryanna was upon Freddy.

"I like you.  That\'s why."

There had to be more that she could say.  That sounded terrible.  He might object again.  What would she do if he objected again?  Even if his hand wandered higher every time, Ryanna wondered if that was what he really wanted, considering how much he was arguing against it.

Well, there was one way to find out.

Ryanna leaned forward, head lowering so it was at the same height as his, pressing a soft kiss against his lips before pulling back, standing straight again.  If he took that as an acceptable answer, she would know.  If not.... well, Ryanna had no clue.  Freddy was frustrating, but it was cute in a way, if such a big man could ever be called cute.

"Well?"

[Existentially Odd]

His expression cleared a little at that simple answer, relief lightening his heart.  She hadn\'t mentioned the job.  Still, she hadn\'t addressed anything else, either.  The kiss brought the ghost of a smile, causing him to swivel on his chair, adjust his position so that the leg she was leaning against was drawn up and pushed outside of hers.  He was facing her now, looking up at her with his legs either side of hers and it was a very natural thing for his other hand to fall to the back of her other thigh.

"But... what about the rest of it?  It really doesn\'t bother you?" he asked suspiciously, as good as declaring that it bothered him.  He was almost twice her age and size; he could snap her if he moved too fast, it felt like... and he didn\'t even want to go into the horrid experiences of the past, of trying to get inside of women too small for him, who weren\'t prepared to take him and it ended in tears and profuse, embarrassed apologies.

His gaze dropped to her chest, which was at his eye level now, and he instinctively licked his lips, wanting to press his lips to the nipples he could see so clearly, with the fire backlighting her.  She looked gorgeous in that light, more beautiful than he\'d ever taken her for before (though he\'d always found her pretty and her hairstyle endearing) and he wanted to tell her but... but what did she think of those other objections?

[Kysis]

Well, there was one more hand, but now both were halted in that position, on her thighs.  As proud as she was of her well toned thighs, she wanted his hands elsewhere, to be doing other things.  This was excruciating!  Did he realize that?  He probably scared off most women who he said didn\'t want him by his constant bickering about if they were perfect for one another or not.  It wasn\'t a matter of being perfect!  Ryanna just wanted to scream that out, make it perfectly clear, but that was not the right approach.  Oh no.  Freddy was easy to scare, as she saw quite clearly, and after doing so much work, Ryanna did not want him frightened off from here.

"Your age does not bother me.  Your size does not bother me."

Ryanna made sure to cover both of his earlier stated fears, stating it firmly, staring at his face, watching, waiting.  When was he going to move?  That was what she wanted to know.  Was he all sheep or was there some shepherd in there too?  All these questions breached her thoughts, but Ryanna did not pose them.  If she started having inquiries, this would get nowhere.  Absolutely, freaking, no where.

"I want you to, Freddy.  Please."

Would he finally budge?  Would he please finally give in before any fire kindled within died out?  That would be a tragedy, after this whole night of building up, just to fizzle out before anything happened.  Ryanna was determined not to let that happen.  If he didn\'t do something soon, she would take the initiative.  However, Ryanna did not want it to come to that; that would leave her feeling like she molested him, like it wasn\'t two sided.  Ryanna wanted him to want her.

[Existentially Odd]

"I... don\'t want to disappoint you," he whispered, looking up into her eyes again now.  "I\'m not... very good at... this," he confessed, his cheeks flushing anew.

He knew he wasn\'t, because Lam had told him so, and he felt it.  Of course, with her, he was generally so anxious that he was finally with her that he usually did something ridiculous and boorish to break the mood and have her sigh and take the upper hand with him.  He hadn\'t been able to help it, it had been an overwhelming thing to be with someone he loved so much, yet know she didn\'t give a flying fig for him and was only with him because she wanted to make herself feel better.

There\'d always been a great deal of pressure, some of it self-imposed, some of it because he knew she was comparing him to men like Lord Dagger.  How could he compete with a man like that, who could look sideways at a woman and have her panting for him?  He\'d always known it wasn\'t possible, yet he\'d been in there trying, just because it was everything for him to be with Lam.  He hadn\'t for years now, though, for probably the last two years there\'d only been the whores he frequented and they were much easier but certainly didn\'t help him learn or gain finesse in this art.  There was no need to talk or to worry with them, it was just a case of grease it up, get it in, get off and get out.

This was an entirely new thing, to have someone sweet and nubile pursuing him, interested in him.  It made his head spin and his mouth go quite dry.  This was a pressure he rather liked though, for perhaps... just perhaps... he might be able to make an improvement in things?  He certainly hoped so, for he didn\'t want to let Ryanna down.

"Just... don\'t be afraid to tell me what you like, okay?" he pleaded, pulling her closer even as he spoke, so that his chin was against her sternum, his head tilting so that his nose was flicking her left breast while he watched her, wanting her confirmation that she was willing to participate actively.  He\'d go nowhere fast if it was all left up to him and he certainly needed her input, just to be sure.  He really, really didn\'t want to hurt her.  His hands slid around after he\'d pulled her close, so that his fingers were draped across the insides of her thighs, sliding up to the apex so that his thumbs were on the outside curve of her buttocks, the edges of his hands pressed against her centre fairly intimately but not invasively.

[Kysis]

Disappoint her?  If only he knew.... one of the men she had been with was lazy as the ocean was deep, a guard who thought himself great and mighty just because he had been accepted in after the main training bought.  The second was a man who had not even finished, because he could not keep his manhood interested.  After they ceased their motions, he exclaimed that he was completely gay, and Ryanna had never really gotten over that bruise in her ego.

Now Freddy was second guessing himself again.  Ryanna knew it was coming, could have seen it from a mile away, but had insisted upon being hopeful.  More talking.  The question, and the sudden jolt of getting pulled towards him, at last, threw her off, though.  This was his being nervous and lacking an ego again, yes, but that was ok, because it sounded as though he cared what she got from this as well.  Most of the stories she\'d heard had men not caring, so long as they got off.  This was different.  This had her jitters away immediately.

The feel of his hands there had her swallowing a big breath suddenly, as if surprised in a pleasant, very pleasant way.  His hands felt like they were burning through her thin and tight undergarment, and she knew there was wetness there, brought on by him.  Would that please him, to discover it?  Ryanna did not have time to think about it.  She had to answer, and dammit she had to answer now!  This was torture!

"I\'ll tell you, I\'ll help you, I will, I promise."  Ryanna hoped she did not sound desperate, but this had been going on for too long already, Ryanna asking for him to do something and him not doing anything.  She knew what she liked (vaguely, since those two men hadn\'t gotten there), so she would definitely tell him.  She would not even mind guiding his hands if she needed.  His touch was what was required righ tnow.

[Existentially Odd]

He smiled as he pressed his face against her chest, though she wouldn\'t know it.  She was sounding more herself now, babbling excessively but with a breathless hint that he couldn\'t help but be chuffed about.  He\'d done that, and when his fingers grazed across her apex properly, he found something else he\'d done but that caused a swell in his pants, not his heart.

"Good," he murmured, telling himself to relax and... get his bearings.  He didn\'t want to think of her as a mission but... pleasure certainly was and he really would have to do some thinking about what he was doing to achieve that.  Of course, instinct was allowed it\'s fair share of attention too, and with her small pert breasts in his face, it was nothing to allow his mouth to close over the closest one and suckle, letting his tongue flick the hardness through the cloth his saliva glued very quickly to her.

As he did this, his large hands moulded her thighs, finding them smooth and muscular even while his index fingers traced her crease softly, moving from the front to the back a couple of times.  It meant he had to let go of her legs though, and so his hands slid back down so that his thumbs could take over.  Their reach was not as great but they were far more agile in their stroking, moving very gently from the top of her slit to about halfway along, the motion repetitive and gentle; teasing almost.  He was content with that, though, for he was in no rush this time.  He wanted it to be perfect.