aftermath and insomniacs

[ravery]

Ever since he was a child, Julius had never really taken to this whole \'sleeping\' business. He\'d always wanted to stay up, to wander around the house, to explore. The night was far too interesting to spend indoors, and he couldn\'t understand why the maids and his parents were always at his heels, snapping at him to get back into his room and stay put.  There were things to see, sounds to investigate. The manor, whilst familiar in the day, was strange and ghostlike after dark, shadows twisting and merging with themselves to form bizarre, creeping monsters. To a child, it was like a whole new world, and the endless possibilities would tick over in Julius\'s mind like clockwork, making it impossible for him to get to sleep.

He grew out of it, though. Well, sort of. During his time in the army, he\'d been forced to develop pattern in which he\'d spend his days on his feet and his nights in a mind-numbing sort of exhaustion. It wasn\'t especially comfortable, but it was necessary if he wanted to stay alive, and it came with a strange sense of satisfaction that followed him through his travels, even after he\'d technically left the regimental life. He found that if he stayed busy during the day that his mind would eventually settle, leaving him able to catch more than only a few hours each night. And, of course, there was always the occasional bed partner to provide a certain distraction. They always made nights interesting, in any case.

Of course, if he was forced to break that pattern, he was left right back where he started. Only now that he was older and wiser (though the latter was questionable), his insomnia was less of a wonder and more of a frustration.

Sighing and dropping his head back against the pillows, Julius shifted under the sheets for the upteenth time in the attempt to get comfortable. Rubbing the heel of his palms against his forehead, the knight made a face at himself, before shaking his head, squeezing his eyes closed, trying to  convince his body that getting to sleep would actually be a good thing in the long run.

Unfortunately, his body tended to disagree with him on that fact, and the day he\'d just had was not helping in the slightest. He\'d visited Lord Dubhdara\'s manor in the hope that the other man would be able to shed some light onto how Julius should handle Dee and the boy\'s... activities with the local medics. What he\'d ended up with instead was a bleeding, terrified squire,  a half-mad Lord snarling at him, and a decidedly unexpected insight into the Dubdhara family line.

Opening his eyes again and staring up at the shadows on the canopy of his bed, Julius exhaled slowly, resigning himself to yet another sleepless night. With both his own father\'s illness and Dee\'s situation in mind, he doubted very much that he would get any form of rest at all.

Talon help him, what a day it had been.

[w0rmy]

Julius wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. Dee sighed heavily. He couldn’t sleep. Normally, he was a very good sleeper. On average, it only took him about ten-fifteen minutes to get to sleep or even quicker after certain, ah, ‘activities’. He shifted over so that his belly met the mattress but that didn’t help at all. It wasn’t any more comfortable than the last position. Oh well, at least he could thumb his pillow easily now.

After playing with the corner of his pillow for about ten minutes, the boy threw off the blankets. Dee propped himself up into a sitting position and gingerly touched his black eye. The swelling had increased, it felt disgusting to touch. He couldn’t possibly imagine what it would look like and just thinking about it drove shivers up his spine. Dee then looked down at his bandaged hand, wincing a little. The memory of his father was still clear in his mind, but then again, who could forget that easily?

Dee ran his fingers through his hair, pulling away any wild strands and finally, stood up. He looked around the moonlight room, wondering what he should do. What was there to do? Prance around in the moonlight? Sure, the thought was tempting but he felt far too tired to do such a thing. And anyway, Doctor Galen advised against such wild activity. Dee placed a finger upon his chin and wondered if Julius was still awake. It wouldn’t hurt to have a little peek into the knight’s room now, would it? Dee slowly opened his door and to his displeasure, the hinges creaked rather loudly. He looked around frantically but thankfully, no one came running with a candle. Without wasting any more time, he tip toed out of the guest room and towards Julius’s, praying desperately to Talon that no one would randomly appear.

Talon had answered his wishes, it seemed that no one had heard the door creak and everyone was indeed asleep. Upon reaching his knights door, Dee paused, his hand clutching the handle. Would it be right to disturb Julius, especially in the middle of the night? Going along with his impulses, Dee opened the door and peaked inside and to his pleasant surprise, Julius was awake! Or either, having a terrible nightmare…

“Julius?”

[ravery]

Bolting up at the sound of the door creaking, Julius swore as he smacked the back of his head on the way up, wincing and rubbing at the offended area as he struggled to sit up. Despite his inability to get to sleep and his own prior tendency to creep around the manor at the dead of night, he certainly hadn\'t been expecting anyone to do the same. And the last thing he expected was for someone to actually creep into his room. Keeping a hand pressed to the back of his head, he peered through the darkness before blinking as a familiar voice called out. Was that Dee? What the hell was that boy doing up?

“Dee?” he said quietly, shifting and settling back against the headboard of his bed as his eyes slowly grew used to the dark. “\'s that you?”

Relaxing a little when he saw that it was, Julius sighed, running his fingers through his hair for a moment before going to push the sheets away, swinging his legs over to the side of his bed to get up. He paused, considering lighting a candle, before deciding against it. There was enough natural light coming through the curtains for him to be able to see.

[w0rmy]

“Yes.” Dee opened the door before quickly closing it once more. It shut with a quick snap, hopefully it wouldn’t wake anyone in the vicinity. Then again, no one had woken when his door had creaked. “It’s me.” This room was bigger (naturally, this was Julius’s bedroom after all) and unfortunately, a lot more light. The boy suddenly became self conscious over his appearance and ultimately regretted coming forth. He didn’t want Julius to see his black eye, he didn’t want to be viewed as ugly or hideous. Dee bit his lip, perhaps it would be wise to return to his room and forget the whole thing, even if it met a restless night.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Dee stood rooted on the stop, his hand resting upon the handle, unsure what to do. “I guess I’m not the only one who couldn’t sleep tonight.” He smiled a little but it hurt his face doing that.  Oh Talon, what did this bruise look like? The curiosity was killing the boy! But at the same time, he didn’t want to look. Did it look as bad as it felt? Dee felt like asking Julius’s opinion but decided to keep his mouth shut.  For now, anyway.

Dee thumbed the end of his blouse. It was something that the boy did out of habit, usually when either nervous or irritated. He would wait for Julius to ask for him to come over or ask for the boy to leave. Either one would suit Dee just fine but, hopefully it would be the first. After all, he was quite bored.

[ravery]

Stretching slightly to try and work some feeling back into his legs, Julius started as the  door was closed with a sharp snap. The sound was strangely loud in the quiet, as if everything had been amplified twice over. Sighing softly, the knight made a face at himself. He knew he was jumpy, and he knew why- the day Julius just had was probably the worst he\'d experienced in a long while- but then again, self-awareness didn\'t really help much when it felt like someone had unleashed a swarm of restless beetles into his chest.

Shaking his head absently, Julius ran a hand through his hair again, pushing it out of his eyes before settling back against the edge of the bed and frowning a little at the tone of Dee\'s voice. The squire sounded rather odd, and he highly doubted the boy would  have even bothered disturbing him if there wasn\'t something wrong. Sitting up a little straighter, Julius tilted his head, watching as the shadows shifted around the boy\'s form. Well, of course there was something wrong- the boy had just been beaten within an inch of his life by his own father. Pulling another face at himself, Julius bit the inside of his lip out of habit. It was stupid of him to think that Dee would be just fine after going through that.

“Yes, I can see that,” he said with a slight smile, watching as the squire hovered by the doorway. “Is there any particular reason for this visit?”

He reached over towards his bedside table for a hair tie as his eyes grew more accustomed to the shadows, and was in the process of tying back his hair to stop it from falling into his face when he caught sight of the bruising on Dee\'s face. He\'d known the boy was going to have a rather spectacular black eye but- Talon damn it, he hadn\'t expected the bruising to be that severe. Cursing softly under his breath again, Julius abandoned the tie, sitting up a little before holding out a hand to the boy, gesturing for him to come forward. “Hey. Come over here.”

[w0rmy]

Dee pulled some locks to one side of his face, attempting to hide the hideous black eye. Even though it may look a little bit silly, it did conceal the wound successfully. Or at least, the boy hoped so. He wouldn’t know what to do if Julius made a comment about it and once again prayed to Talon he wouldn’t burst into tears again. About an hour so ago, when Dee had first attempted to sleep, there had been wave of tears. Not matter how many times he palmed them away, they just kept on flowing.
   
Dee opened his mouth but snapped it shut again. He shouldn’t have been thinking about crying, he felt like doing it again. Talon, damn it! Dee stopped playing with the end of this blouse, letting his hands drop. It felt like being back at the stables, it felt awkward being with Julius again.

Dee’s hazel eye brightened upon seeing Julius’s gesture (his other eye was hidden under the lock of hair) and moved slowly forward. As he drew closer towards the knight, he fiddled with his hair a bit more. Dee did not want Julius to see the black eye, he feared that it might disgust the man. He sure knew that he felt disgusted with the wound, more than the puncture marks on the back of his hand! Dee sat down on the bed, quite a distance from Julius, it was quite obvious the boy didn’t want him seeing the black eye.

“Jules.” Dee muttered, running his hands along his thighs. He winced a little when he accidentally applied pressure to his sore hand. “A reason for this visit?” He had just remembered that Julius previously asked a question and it had totally been ignored. “No. There isn’t much of a reason, I suppose. I just can’t sleep.”

[ravery]

Taking care not to make any sudden movements, Julius smiled as Dee hesitated for a moment before doing as he was asked. The knight\'s stomach did a rather sharp twist when the boy attempted to cover up his black eye with his fringe- it was apparent from Dee\'s body language that he didn\'t want Julius seeing it- and waiting till the boy was close enough, Julius reached his hand up a little higher to brush Dee\'s hair away from his face.

Even in the shadows, the bruise was still painfully obvious. The swelling had increased a little since he\'d sent the boy to bed, and biting the inside of his lip, Julius dropped his hand, not wanting to make Dee uncomfortable. He still had a rather hard time wrapping his head around the fact that it was the boy\'s father who had done something so horrible to him, despite knowing full well that abuse within families was not as rare as he\'d previously believed. The bandages on Dee\'s other hand, where Lord Dubhdara had stabbed him, were lit up in contrast to the rest of the boy, the linen seeming almost luminous in the dark. Settling back and shifting absently to give the boy a little more space, Julius sighed softly, watching as his squire fidgeted.

As worried as he was about the boy, and as upset as Dee must undoubtedly be, he was never very good at this whole comfort thing and felt rather strange, having Dee in his quarters. He wasn\'t entirely sure what his squire needed, or what was expected of him in a situation like this, as he\'d never really had to deal with something like this before. It was... well, awkward wasn\'t really the right word, but it was the only one that came to mind. Making a face at himself, Julius frowned, pressing the heel of his palm against his forehead in the attempt to get his thoughts back in order, before tilting his head and looking back over at the squire.

"Ah," he began, and blinked at how stilted his voice sounded. "Uhm. Well. Is there anything I can do to help, then?"

[w0rmy]

Even though Dee was perfectly aware that Julius wouldn’t hurt him, he still flinched when the hand came by his face. The memory of his father’s fist was still, of course, very clear. Quickly, he pulled the hair back so that is once again, hid half of his face. He found it quite hard to talk to Julius, let alone talk. Instead, he kicked his feet like when a child does on a swing, demanding to be pushed by their parents. Dee sure felt like a child now, not know what to say or do.

“Uhm.” Dee bit his lip, looking up towards the ceiling. “I dunno.” He shrugged and stopped kicking, his hand clenched the bed sheets tightly. His eyes were becoming hot again and before any tears could flow, he wiped them away. He didn’t want to cry in front of his knight… again. That would just be too embarrassing. “I can’t sleep. It’s too boring just lying in my bed. I felt like talking.” Dee finally dared to look up at Julius, thankfully, no tears came forth.

“You-you don’t mind me talking do you?” He asked slowly, “Would rather it if I left?” Dee didn\'t want to leave. He wanted to talk, it didn\'t matter what it was about. He just wanted to make conversation with Julius. He would feel more normal if they could talk, oh and less stressed too.

[ravery]

Wincing a little as the boy flinched, Julius dropped his hands, settling them in his lap and watching the boy as best he was able given the lack of light. If Dee didn\'t want him seeing the bruise, then he wouldn\'t press it. Julius knew how much the boy valued his looks, and the fact that his father had struck his face must have come as a doubly hard blow. Settling back against the headboard of his bed, the knight frowned slightly, feeling the bed thrumming slightly under him with vibrations from Dee\'s kicks. The boy seemed especially young right now, and the fact that Dee seemed to almost avoid looking at him twisted Julius\'s stomach into knots. He couldn\'t understand why this sort of stuff always seemed to happen whenever he came home, and he was hit with a sudden longing to be away, to ride several hundred miles past the last of the borders and to escape all of this stifling claustrophobia.

Shoving that feeling down, Julius dropped his head back. To want that would be selfish, and he wouldn\'t allow that to happen.
He couldn\'t help but smile when the boy spoke, even if Dee\'s voice was still a little too shaky for his own comfort. Shrugging slightly and shaking his head, Julius pushed the hair back out of his own face, making a face at his fringe and sighing softly, tucking it back as best he was able. "Of course I don\'t mind, Dee," he said, tugging his legs back up and crossing them under him, trying to work some feeling back into his lower body.

"I can\'t really sleep either, to be honest. What\'s on your mind? Is your hand bothering you?"

[w0rmy]

Dee chewed his tongue, hating how he was acting. The kicking had stopped, he thought it may annoy the man so instead, he thumbed the end of his blouse. He tucked on leg underneath him while keeping the other firmly on the ground.

Dee started with the question that Julius had supplied, he had not expected it. He attempted to clench his fist but it hurt too much. He tugged at the bandage, making a little bit tighter. He didn’t want to bleed all over Julius’s lovely dwelling. “No,” Dee answered curtly. He didn’t mean it to sound so rude but the question annoyed him. Of course, he had things on his mind! Why wouldn’t he? So much had happened tonight, it was quite hard to believe that it actually took place.

“Why did you come to father’s manor tonight?” Dee asked, resting both hands upon his thighs, looking rather intently at Julius. “He didn’t even know who you were. I thought he would have by now… I would have at last thought someone told him.” He paused, biting his bottom lip, “Of course they did. He just forgot.” Dee fell forward into his knees, covering his face with his hands. To his great his great displeasure, new tears had formed.

[ravery]

Blinking in surprise at the sharpness of Dee\'s voice, Julius raised his eyebrows. He hadn\'t meant to offend the boy but clearly the question had been a wrong move. Biting the inside of his lip, he settled back, watching as the boy fiddled with his bandages. Whilst he doubted it was a very good idea for Dee to be adjusting the linen, Julius knew it couldn\'t possibly be comfortable, and he figured it was probably better to just leave his squire to do whatever he pleased. It was his own body, after all.

"Sorry," he said, his voice a little flatter than he was intending. Julius never really was very good at talking to people who weren\'t roughly around the same age as him.

Shifting a little uncomfortably, he blinked again as Dee seemed to buckle, rather surprised at the emotion suddenly being shown. Given the boy\'s abruptness just before, the knight wasn\'t at all expecting for Dee to crumble like that, and the slumping of the squire\'s shoulders made something in Julius\'s chest twist a little with guilt. "Uhm," he began a little awkwardly, running his fingers through his hair out of habit.

"Uhm. Well, I... I wanted to talk to him about you, actually. I was quite worried about you and your, uh. Your social life."

[w0rmy]

Dee sobbed however attempted to hide the sounds beneath his palms. Why did he have to cry? Now? Normally, when Dubhdara beats him, he never cried. Well, sometimes he did but not like this.

“My social life?” Dee repeated slowly, wiping away any stray tears. Ever since he told Julius about sleeping with Galen, he hoped desperately that this question wouldn’t be asked. But of course, it was only foolish to hope like that. Of course Julius was going to ask, he was Dee’s knight therefore had custody of the boy.

“I don’t think you would be happy if you heard what kind of stuff I got up to.” Dee pulled wet strands of hair out of his face,  “But I’ll tell you everything…  if you want.” The boy crossed his legs, an attempt to get more comfortable. “You will not be happy.” The boy repeated, biting his bottom lip.

[ravery]

Feeling his chest tighten a little more at the sounds Dee was making, Julius bit the inside of his lip, moving to sit up. He had no idea what to do to make the boy feel any better, and despised feeling as useless as he did. Pausing for a second, he then shifted, pushing away from the headboard of his bed to move closer. He didn\'t want to crowd the boy, but hated seeing him this upset. And he especially hated knowing that he\'d played a part in making the boy feel this way.

Opening his mouth to ask Dee if there was anything he could do, Julius blinked as the boy dropped his hands away from his face. The look on Dee\'s face was strange, unreadable in the dark, and Julius was suddenly not entirely sure if he really wanted to know what the boy did during his free time.

Hesitating for a moment more, Julius then nodded, watching the boy quietly. If Dee was going to tell him the truth once and for all, he might as well listen to what the boy had to say, even if he was more than unsure about it.

"I think it would be best," he said as gently as he possibly could. "I doubt I\'m going to be much help if I have no idea what the problem is."

[w0rmy]

“Okay.” Dee sniffled a last time. He wasn’t sure how Julius wasn’t going to react to this, he knew it was going to be a good one at least. “Okay.” He repeated, rubbing his good hand along is thigh rather roughly. It was quite difficult planning it out, without making it sound too… ‘bad’. In the end, Dee just decided to tell it how it was. Just the good old brutal truth, as some say.

Dee fell back down onto the mattress, tilting his head slightly so his eyes met the others. He wanted to get comfortable. “Jules.” He used Julius’s pen name, hopefully it would sway the knight’s disappointment and possibly, rage. “Please don’t hate me after I tell you this.” Dee twirled the end of his hair with his index finger, absently staring at the ceiling.

“You know how I slept with Galen? Well, he wasn’t the first man I’ve slept with. All together I’ve slept with.” The boy paused, trying to remember the exact number. “I’ve slept with eleven people over the past year and half. It’s quite surprising to find out how many men like young boys. But, I have slept with some males who were many age, Blake for example. You met him at father’s manor. I-I can name all the men’s names if you like, I remember them all. The first one was a merchant, his name was Wilfred Kerly, twenty six years old…”

The list went on and on, or at least it did in Dee’s mind. After saying every name he stopped, resting his hands on his chest. “I sometimes do ‘things’ with other squire boys. It doesn’t require ‘sleeping’ either. We practice, you know what I mean?” Dee looked up at Julius, fearing what the man\'s response may be.

[ravery]

As Dee spoke, Julius\'s expression slowly began to harden, mouth tightening at the edges and eyes narrowing. Listening to Dee as he counted off the names, the knight drew back into the darkness, settling back against the headboard of his bed and watching his squire with a decidedly new take on the boy.

He was... He had... Dee couldn\'t have possibly done all the things he\'d said he\'d done but- no, the boy had said he\'d tell him the truth, and he had asked, and there it was. The truth. In a fucking, Gods damned list.

Clenching his fists, Julius felt his face flush despite his best efforts to keep himself under control. He wasn\'t just angry with the boy, he was humiliated, because not only had the boy gone and put his family\'s reputation in jeopardy, he had allowed Julius to make a fool of himself in public on several occasions. Talon damn him, he had struck that doctor in the middle of the market place! He had treated the other man appallingly, and with no other reason than the thought that he might have taken advantage of the boy, when it was clear to Julius now that it had been the exact opposite.

Fuck, this would require a formal apology. Julius hated those.

"I see," he said, coldly. Watching the boy for a moment more, Julius then moved to push himself up, finding it rather difficult to stay as close as he was to the boy. He was still worried about him- of course he was, the squire had just been brutally beaten by his own father- but it was hard to look at Dee in the same way now that he knew what the boy was really like.

"Dubhdara, I appreciate your honesty. However, you realize that behaviour is unacceptable for a person in your position, don\'t you?"