aftermath and insomniacs

[w0rmy]

Just as Dee had predicted, Julius was not happy. The man looked to be seething but it was hard to tell in such light. He wished there was a candle but then Dee remembered his black eye. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips and the boy propped himself up into a sitting position.

Julius’s words struck Dee like knives. He had not expected the man’s words to be so cold and icy, it hurt a lot. Out of all people, he thought Julius would have understood. The knight seemed to be like such a caring character but then again, it wasn’t as if Dee knew the man well. Or perhaps, if at all! He ran his fingers along his toes and bit his tongue hard, afraid of talking just in case he might let something slip. Dubhdara. Julius had actually used his full name, it sent a horrible twang through out his body. Oh Talon, how he abhorred the name.

Dee lips parted but nothing came out. He didn’t know what to say, there was such shame burning his body… no, it wasn’t the shame of sleeping with eleven men but the fact he had upset Julius. Dee combed his fingers through his hair, looking down at the moon lit floor.

“No one…” Dee spoke slowly, licking his lips. They were very dry. Strange. “No one has ever told me it was unacceptable. My father did all that time, he still does it. Is it really that bad? I don’t think it is. I don’t want to be with some filthy woman. I hate women.” His voice had suddenly turned darker, meaner and older. One wouldn’t imagine it belonged to a fifteen year old boy. “Anyway, it’s not as if I’m going to be a high ranking knight. I’m hardly religious and I’m not all about Oberon-pride.” Dee half shrugged, prodding his toes with his index finger.

[ravery]

Raising an eyebrow at the boy\'s justifications, Julius snorted softly, watching Dee for a moment more before shaking his head, turning to light his bedside candles. Striking the flint, he lit up the wicks before lifting the candle holder a little to cast more illuminance over his room. The light, whilst weak and flickering, was enough for him to be able to see Dee properly, and... well. Alright, so the boy at least looked contrite, but then again, he had looked the same way when Julius had met him in the stables, and look where that had left him.

Rubbing a hand over his jaw absently and keeping a grip on the candle holder with his other hand, he sighed, doing his best to ignore the guilty, twisting feeling in his chest at the way the boy was just staring at him. So maybe he\'d been a colder than he probably should have been, but he couldn\'t help but feel betrayed by Dee\'s actions. It was as if the boy didn\'t even care about the ramifications of his behaviour, or how it affected people beyond the simple pleasure of sex.

There was also, of course, the mortification of realizing that he had been completely wrong about Dee\'s character. Whilst he\'d known the boy had always been rather tactile, Julius had never even thought that the boy would be so... Promiscuous. It was as there had been wool pulled down over his eyes for the past two years, and the realization that he had been fooled for so long was painfully humiliating.

Gods, he could only imagine what would happen if either one of his parents found out. He was certain his father would have a conniption at the thought of their precious reputation being threatened by something like this.

Shaking that thought off, Julius looked down at the boy for a moment more before breathing out slowly and going to light up the rest of the candles in his room. He listened to Dee\'s statement about women and about Oberon pride with increasing concern, and, as he lit the last candle, with a decidedly significant amount of resentment.

"So... what," he said, as he turned to face his squire finally, eyes still narrowed. "You think everything I\'ve been doing for you is a complete waste of time, then?"

[w0rmy]

It felt like his heart had dropped to his stomach. Dee hated seeing Julius like this but the same time, he had no remorse for his actions.  And the boy knew, he would do it again and again… unless of course, Julius kept him under a strict super vision and followed him everywhere however that, seemed unlikely.  The man was always traveling so he didn’t have enough time for the boy. Dee suddenly remembered that he agreed to go with Julius the next time he went on a trip. That probably wouldn’t be happening anymore, Julius seemed too angry.

“Well…” Dee spoke slowly, trying to contain his emotions. Previously he had been felling a vast amount of shame but now anger had been added to the mixture.  Well, perhaps anger wasn’t the right word… perhaps frustration? “It’s not as if you haven’t done a lot, it’s simply the fact you haven’t been here.” Dee shifted, he wanted to look directly into the opposing grey eyes. “That might be the reason I’m so fucked up, huh?” However, as soon as that was said, Dee immediately regretted it.

[ravery]

Just as Julius was starting to consider maybe easing up on the boy, there came... that. Well, damn him if that wasn\'t one of the most blatantly manipulative things he\'d ever heard. Narrowing his eyes, the knight set the candle holder down before folding his arms over his chest, watching Dee quietly as his mouth tightened into a frown, ignoring the slight twinge in his stomach at the boy\'s words. As aware as he was that yes, he probably hadn\'t been home as often as he should have, the fact that Dee would actually try and shift the blame onto him? He\'d thought higher of the boy than that.

"That wasn\'t very subtle, boy," he said quietly, watching as Dee shifted. "You might want to practice a little more before trying that sort of shit with me."

He lifted an eyebrow as the look on his squire\'s face changed from one of sullen rebellion to shame, unsure if it was simply the light playing tricks on him or if the boy really was feeling regret. Given what had just happened, Julius was forced to decide that it was former. After all, he\'d already been proven wrong about the boy twice now, and to allow himself to be fooled again would be, well. Ridiculous.

"If you genuinely feel that way, you are more than welcome to leave." he continued. "You know where the door is. I\'m sure you have many friends who would be willing to take you in."

[w0rmy]

Even though Julius had suggested for him to leave, Dee stayed rooted on the spot. If he left now, there would be no one else to turn to. He couldn’t relay on anyone else for support, his father was completely out of the question and as for his relatives in Ireland? It wasn’t as if he had met them, the only Pencawr he knew was his father. The man never bothered introducing Dee to his family, he said it would be a waste of time and money. “I’m sorry, Sir.” Dee looked down towards the ground, biting his bottom lip hard.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, looking up at the man before him, not really caring if the light brought out his black eye. For once, Dee didn’t give a shit about his looks, the only thing he gave a shit about was Julius. “I don’t honestly think like that, I really don’t.” Dee paused and sniffed, oh Talon. “If I left, I don’t have anyone else. I can’t return to my father, I don’t know any family in Ireland… even if they did, why would they want me? Who would want a failed squire?” The boy shrugged, “And you would be surprised how many of those ‘friends’ would turn me down. I’m just a fuck to them, nothing more.”

[ravery]

A small part of Julius was rather surprised at how mercenary he\'d just sounded, and wondered if maybe this was how it all started for his parents, their lack of patience developing into something cold and permanent. Watching the boy quietly, Julius frowned slightly. This... distance he was feeling was rather worrying. He never wanted to end up like his parents, but was slowly starting to realize that maybe they hadn\'t been born that way but instead, developed it as a method of handling people.

Not that he thought that was acceptable, of course. As much as he loved them (and he did love them, for all of his resentment), Julius knew if he began thinking like that, he\'d end up exactly like the both of them, and he didn\'t want that.
Tilting his head and watching as the candles cast their light over the boy\'s bruised face, Julius felt something just behind his solar plexus waver a little. Dee was... still young, after all. It\'s not like Julius never made any mistakes when he was his squire\'s age, even if it was never anything like this.

Pausing for a moment, the knight sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair before nodding and turning his back on his squire. He reached over for one of his travel bags, undoing the catch and looking through its contents for a bottle of spirits he\'d picked up on one of his trips, before snagging a glass from his desk. The bottle opened with a dull pop as he twisted the lid off, and pouring himself a drink, Julius finally turned back to his squire, settling against the edge of his desk to watch the boy.

“I should hope you don\'t honestly think that, Dee,” he said, before raising his glass to his mouth to drink, wincing a little at the slow, steady burn of the alcohol traveling downwards. “I\'d be terribly disappointed if you did."

Wiping at the rim of his glass absently, he watched the boy for a moment more before his mouth twitched into a smile. "Even if you are a royal pain in the arse sometimes.”

[w0rmy]

Dee rubbed his hand over his neck, then along the contour of his shoulder. His lips were pouted, a habit which he caught off Blake. The image of Blake suddenly came into mind. Dee felt terrible for leaving the boy alone with his father. The idea of an embrace didn’t even come to mind! He sighed, resting both hands on his knees and looked intently up at Julius.

The man was silent. Dee feared that his behaviour would get him kicked out, never being able to return. His suspicions, however, were clearly wrong upon hearing Julius’s response. It felt like a light had been lifted, it was a wonderful feeling. Julius even offered a small smile, Dee gladly returned it. Even though it hurt to smile, he would endure to pain.

“So…” Dee started out slowly, choosing his words carefully. He didn’t want to say anything stupid. Again. “Thank you, Julius… I’m sorry about my behaviour but you shouldn’t worry. It’s not as if anyone is going to be bragging about having sex with a fifteen year old boy, right?” The corners of his lips twitched. “So, I highly doubt your family’s name is going to be put to shame… just look at my father. He still is rich. Even when mother set fire to the- nevermind.” Dee turned away. He had almost told Julius about his mother. He didn’t want anyone to know about his mothers… odd tendencies.

[ravery]

Resisting the urge to snicker a little at the look on Dee\'s face, Julius went back to his drink, adjusting his hold on the glass absently. Was the boy seriously pouting? Julius normally equated that expression with sullen children or women who were trying to be sultry and seductive, but seeing it on a boy\'s face just made Julius want to laugh. Setting his glass down again, Julius watched as his squire settled both hands on his knees, relaxing a little as Dee returned his smile.  He settled against the edge of the desk and ignored the small voice in the back of his mind warning him about being fooled by the boy again, despite knowing full well that there was always the possibility that he was just allowing himself to slide back into the same old patterns.

He shifted as Dee spoke up again, raising an eyebrow at the boy\'s apology. Whilst he wasn\'t entirely sure if his squire fully understood the extent of the damage he could cause,  at least Dee sounded like he was starting to give it some thought. “... That\'s beside the point, Dee,” he said quietly, watching the boy from where he was settled against his desk. “I\'m sure you\'re going to disagree with me here, but I can\'t help but feel you\'re just a little too young to be... involved with people in that way.”

Blinking at his squire\'s mention of his own mother, Julius\'s eyebrows shot up. Fire? What on earth? “Uhm. Sorry, I don\'t think I heard you correctly. What was that about your mother?”

[w0rmy]

Dee absently played with a loose string on his pants. They were old but comfortable but new ones needed to be bought. There was even a burn stain on them too but Dee couldn’t quite remember how it got there. His clothes, let alone sleeping ones, were rarely dried by the fire. The only time that happened when it was raining or… well, it only happened when it was raining! Anyway, this wasn’t the time to think about such trivial thoughts. Dee glanced around the room, scratching the back of his head then at Julius.

“Uh…” Dee’s hand froze, including his state of mind. Would it be good to tell Julius this? After his mother’s funeral, Dubhdara had made him swear never, ever, ever to tell anyone of his mother’s obsession with fire. It would bring even further shame to the family… if that was even possible. “Uh.” Dee bit the inside of lip, letting his hand fall on the mattress.

“My mother was… do you swear never to tell anyone this? If father ever found out, he will… be most displeased.” Dee’s odd eyes quivered but continued to speak. Julius would keep the secret, he had to! “My mother had odd tendencies, if you wish to cal them that. When she was pregnant with me… she set fire to the neighbours cat. My father at the time was talking to the neighbour, him and he were friends you see.” Dee paused, looking up to see Julius’s reaction. “Anyway, then the cat came streaking out… followed by the neighbour’s wife and then finally my mother. She was excited apparently, her face beaming! She kept saying “look at them critters burn” but in Galiege. She couldn’t speak English… well, she could but not a lot. Anyway, so people thought she was speaking in tongues or something.”

Dee fell silent. His hand had been clutching the sheets rather tightly.

[ravery]

Watching Dee quietly, Julius tilted his head, raising his eyebrows slightly as he tried to determine whether or not the boy was just pulling his leg again. That was... a rather fantastical story, even for Dee, though Julius was starting to realize that the truth really was stranger than fiction, sometimes. It would certainly explain a lot about the other boy\'s psyche, at the very least.

After a moment\'s pause, Julius cleared his throat, a little unsure as to how he should respond to that particular revelation. It was clear Dee was distressed- or at least, he looked upset- and he didn\'t want to run the risk of upsetting the boy any further if the story really was true.

“Ah. I... I was not aware of that particular area of your family history.”

Making a face at himself for just how stilted he sounded, Julius cleared his throat again, pushing himself up and starting to pace the room absently. If Dee was telling the truth, then there could be serious consequences for his own family if word ever got out. If Dee wasn\'t telling the truth, then chances are, Julius would eventually have to dismiss the boy from his service. And he really didn\'t want to have to do that, even if the boy was much more maintenance than he\'d originally thought.

But apart from not wanting to send the boy away, Julius couldn\'t help but hope that Dee wasn\'t telling the truth. To have a mother who was that unstable would have been... terrible for a boy Dee\'s age. And Julius sincerely hoped that his squire had not been forced to live with such a woman. Dee\'s father was a bastard enough as it was.

“I\'m sure it was just a fever brought on by her pregnancy, Dee,” he said, not entirely sure just who he was trying to convince more. “I know women can sometimes go a little mad when they\'re with child.”

[w0rmy]

Dee flicked back his hair and bit the inside of his mouth, worried how Julius was going to react. A sudden thought suddenly came to mind, would Julius even believe the story? What if he thought it was ridiculous and completely irrational, what if the knight actually thought that? Dee hoped not, he would most upset however if that was the case. He didn’t want to Julius to think he was nothing but a liar and sex deviant. Dee twirled a strand of hair around his finger absently and stared a near by candle, watching the flame flicker.

“It’s not something I want to tell everyone.” Dee cringed, annoyed how curt his voice sounded. He didn’t mean to sound so rude! He didn’t apologise however and instead thumbed with a crease on the blanket. He began to regret telling his knight the story… perhaps it wasn’t wise. What would Julius think of him now? A complete and utter fucking nutcase? Dee wouldn’t surprised, it’s happened before.

“A fever? A fever that lasted twenty four seven? Sure why not.” Dee snapped, a deep frown adorning his young features. “She was fucked in the head, everyone knew that. She had an obsession with fire, you see.” Dee took a deep breath, running a hand over his face and attempted to calm down. “My father didn’t help the sickness either, I think he made it worse too. He used to beat her a lot… anyway, I suppose its better that she is dead now. Tuberculosis finally got her.” Dee shrugged, trying to make as if he wasn’t bothered by the fact. The boy hated talking about this, it made him feel… upset.

“I should return to my room” Dee said suddenly after a minute of silence. This situation was awkward. He didn’t like it. Dee folded his arms and stared at the door, a look of longing deep in his eyes. He didn’t like stressing Julius out… but neither did he want to give up his life style. It was quite a hard decision.

[ravery]

Blinking as he was snapped at in answer, Julius stopped his pacing for a moment before frowning slightly. He hadn\'t been intending to offend the boy. He\'d been trying to do the opposite, in fact,  but it appeared everything he said was taken in completely the wrong way. Watching Dee quietly, Julius then shook his head, trying to ignore the dull throbbing pain behind his temples. All of this was starting to give him a migraine again.

His expression hardened a little at the mention of Dee\'s father. Whilst he wasn\'t really that surprised to hear that the lord would raise a hand against his wife, the fact that he hadn\'t been able to stop him from beating his own son it was still a sore point for Julius. It was times like these when he wished there was some form of definite law against violence towards family members.

“I\'m sorry to hear about your mother, Dee. I won\'t repeat anything you\'ve said to me. You have my word.”

He paused for a second as the boy looked at the door with obvious intent, before sighing softly and shrugging, running a hand through his hair. “Fine. Do whatever the hell you want.”

It wasn\'t like his squire was actually going to listen to whatever he said anyway.

[w0rmy]

Dee’s gaze went from the door to the floor, a flush deep in his cheeks. He didn’t mean to sound so rude but this situation was so awkward. The boy would rather just escape from it all, if at all possible. To think like that, was cowardly and not at like knight like but then again, who said that he wanted to be a knight? But, if Dee chose not to be a knight, what else was there? To become a Lord like his father? The possibility was there but Dee didn’t want to live like that. It was so dull.  

Dee stood up and walked past Julius, not bothering to look the man in the eye. He opened his mouth to apologise but decided against it. Julius would call him a liar so what was the point? But then again, was Dee truly sorry? It was hard to tell.

Dee opened the door and slowly walked outside into the hall, resisting the urge to look back. He shouldn’t have told Julius about mother, that was unwise. For a foolish moment, Dee had actually thought everything was going fine and dandy… but no. That was not the case. It will never be the case. Their relationship will only consist of fighting and nothing else, or at least, that is how it worked in Dee\'s mind. The squire crossed his arms and hunched his back, upset at the thought. “Talon damn it.”

[ravery]

Watching the boy go, Julius felt oddly resigned. If the boy wanted to storm off and sulk, then fine. If he wanted to go out and fuck half the town, then he could go do that too. It was clear Dee hadn\'t wanted to see him for anything other than to have someone to scowl at.

Waiting for his squire to head out into the hall, Julius then walked over and closed the door behind him, sighing softly and rubbing his palms over his face before going to head back over towards his desk. He raised an eyebrow at the muffled sound of Dee cursing outside and shook his head, reaching up to undo the undo the ties of his shirt before tugging it up and over his head, balling it up and dropping it on his chair. Whilst he knew full well he wasn\'t going to be able to get to sleep after this, it wasn\'t really anything new. He might as well use the time productively and actually start writing that formal letter of apology to Doctor Galen.

Pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose and pinching slightly to try and distract himself from the ache behind his temples, Julius made a face at himself before going to sit down at his desk, moving the candles over a little to cast more light over the parchment. Damn it, where was his quill? He was starting to get distracted again, which wasn\'t a good sign, but it was difficult given everything that had happened that night. Julius really didn\'t know why Dee seemed to think he believed the boy was a liar when telling him about his mother, considering Julius hadn\'t actually said anything. But then again, it appeared the boy had made up his mind about what he was going to do.

And there was the fact that his mother had been a lunatic, and his father wasn\'t that much better off either.

Talon save him. Julius really needed to start choosing his companions for substance rather than appearance.