Some crits for ya:
The title doesn\'t seem to mesh with the song. There\'s one mention of a wing and the other person being "oh so cold," but there\'s nothing that unites the two.
First stanza:
The first line of the song seems to have way too many words in it to fit the structure. Also, "deep vastness" seems a) a bit redundant and b) a bit cliche/overused. Try "abyss," for example. One word, and it means roughly the same without sounding trite.
The second line isn\'t a sentence, as it has no verb outside of the prepositional phrase "of the kindness you have shown." If you break down the sentence by removing the prepositional phrase, all you\'re left with is "All." "All" is what? All (of the kindness you have shown) is good? is bad? makes me happy?
Third/fourth lines aren\'t coherent. It\'s all because of you (semi-colon). Fine. But the next clause reads, "My heart is always racing, that I want to take you under my loving wing," which is grammatically incorrect. "My heart is always racing, and so I want to take you under my wing," or "My heart is always racing, because I want to take you under my wing," but not "
that I want to..."
Second stanza: "Oh so cold" is cliche. Try "trembling with" instead of "oh so."
Third stanza: If the person\'s not there, why does it matter if you could be angry or mean? You could be goofy and silly and it still wouldn\'t make a difference if the person\'s not there, so why mention it? Try something like "I shouldn\'t waste my time (or breath) because I know you\'re not there," or something to that effect.
Final thoughts: Back to the title, if the poem/song is about trying to get a non-responsive individual to "wake up," then call it "Wake Up." "Winter Wings" conjures up certain images in the mind of the reader that just aren\'t present in the poem/song, leading to a bit of a let-down of expectations. False advertisement, ya know? All in all, not too shabby, just needs to be cleaned up as far as grammar and removal of cliches is concerned. Keep workin\'!
