Morning Routines

[Kysis]

"Yes." Rico mumbled angrily into his arm.  There was nothing more to it than that, though the irritation seething through his voice, making it dark and thick, was entirely aimed at Kysis.  Not Matthew.  Matthew asking the questions was probably a good thing.  Him being blunt about it was even better.  People who beat around the bush bothered Rico to no end.  Right now, it would have made Rico do something he would regret and storm out of the room, like an angry child.

Rico felt much like an angry, jealous child right now.

"Too bad Lam won\'t be nice enough to point me in a good direction since she took the one I was aiming for." That was also grumbled, though Rico rested his chin on his arms now, speaking out to the air rather than his arm.  There was no wetness on his eyes, though there was an exasperation on his voice that was undeniable.

How many years had he played this frustrating came with Kysis?  Kysis would give a little, then be elusive, give a little more, be unattainable, give a lot more, then hide behind an impenetrable fortress of steeled emotions.  Boo, Rico said.  Boo.  Cat and mouse was irritating.  It was enjoyable at first, but it had gone on for too long, and now the mouse really was out of reach.

"Are there even men here that like the same as me?"  Rico sat up, leaning back in his chair and staring at the wall.  It was more of a rhetorical question, as there were gay men across the world and across history, but part of him did want to know.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew was disconcerted by the change of topic, having been ready to pursue the line of questioning about the kiss that Rico spoke of, but then he went and asked about men who liked men and completely flustered the Oberon native.  He\'d more or less outdone himself with his very intrusive questioning up to this point, so he didn\'t quite have enough gusto left to steer the conversation back to where he needed it to be.  That, unfortunately, left him answering something he had no idea about.

"Uh... I suppose.  I mean yes," he stammered, blinking rapidly as he shifted on the spot, obviously uncomfortable with what he was saying (but mainly because it wasn\'t what he wanted to talk about, rather than being offended by the thought of such things).  "I don\'t kn-know anyone personally, but it\'s a free city and... uh... well, people are free to do as they please, in that respect," he finished iwth a shrug, glancing at Rico from beneath his lashes in a rather bewildered way.

How could he steer things back to where he wanted them now?

[Kysis]

A smile started tugging up on Rico\'s lips as the sound of Matthew\'s awkwardness.  It had to be an awkward subject for a man who was probably straight, now forced to live with a man who was most definitely gay (Rico knew, he had tried being with women, it just didn\'t work).  That could lead to distrust and all sorts of ugly emotions Rico did not want around, but it was funny.

In fact, Rico managed a laugh.

"I\'m sure I\'ll find someone around here.  As you said, free city and all." Rico looked over at Matthew, biting at his lower lip as he did so.  How did Matthew feel now, knowing he stripped in front of a gay man?  Of had it still not dawned on him?  Rico was guessing the latter, deciding not to bring it up.

"Do you have anyone special?" It came out of the blue, but Rico was curious.  Not in an interested in him sort of way, but in a wondering, since Rico had yet to see someone around or hear about someone, it made Rico wonder.  Was Matthew asexual?  Some people just never really got into relationships, which could be a possibility.  Rico was probably the exact opposite.  He enjoyed relationships and everything to go with them, drama included.  That was just him though.

[Existentially Odd]

Opening one\'s mouth in an attempt to answer a question that one has no clue how to answer was not conducive for good conversation, Matthew quickly discovered.  Not only had he not managed to get Rico to talk about what hewanted to talk about, but now there was this other extremely awkward thing to deal with.  All that initially came out of his mouth was the sound of a few dry clicks, from the back of his throat.  He cleared it so that he could do a better job.

"Uh... no.  I\'ve never been interested in anyone," he answered honestly, his cheeks aflame with embarrassment.  He couldn\'t understand why he was feeling that, and part of him was quite amazed by it, the rest was appalled.  It seemed that he wanted to impress Rico on some deep level, and he knew this wasn\'t the way to go about it (though why he wasn\'t reassured by the fact that his cooking prowess would rectify that was beyond him too).  "Just never... I keep pretty busy," he finished lamely, shrugging a little.

[Kysis]

Rico couldn\'t help but let out a little laugh again.  Was Matthew blushing?  As much as Rico wanted a matchmaker for himself, it seemed like Matthew might need it more.  And what was with those lame (but endearing) excuses?  It seemed like Matthew had no one to talk to either.  How perfect.  They could both vent to each other and get absolutely nothing done while stuttering and sulking.  What else would be new?

Keeping the sarcastic thoughts in his head, Rico thought of a way to get this conversation on a light, helpful note rather than him ranting about love lost.  Kysis was lost.  Rico still wanted him (badly), but it was lost, through and through.  So, why not distract himself from it?  Matthew was presenting the perfect opportunity.  Rico loved trying to help people out with love (even if he could not do it for himself, ironically).  He sensed something else going on, and wanted to know.

"You like someone, don\'t you?" Rico asked, still watching Matthew closely.  The blushing, the stuttering, the excuses.  Yes, Matthew had to like someone.  Maybe said person had yet to notice him. "Why haven\'t you done anything yet?"

And Rico was damn good at changing the subject.  Most people only realized after the conversation had ended that Rico had completely avoided certain questions.  That was what Rico was (subconsciously) doing now.  Divert the attention back to Matthew.  It made Rico a touch more comfortable and less miserable to boot, so it was good enough for him.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew\'s eyes widened in horror and the blush slowly changed to a pale of distress and bewilderment.  "N-no!" he cried, sitting rigidly in his chair now, eyeing Rico off as if he\'d just sprouted another head, right there on the spot.

"I don\'t... I\'ve never," he stammered, realising now why he\'d felt embarrassed before.  Rico was so much more worldly than him in so many ways, and this was certainly one of the most awkward.  Love and sex and relationships... they didn\'t interest him - he was happy as he was, cooking and looking after Lam, what need did he have of distractions such as those?  Still, he was aware that it would mean he wouldn\'t be viewed as \'normal\' if he admitted that and he was loathe to prostrate himself before a man he had some respect for just like that.  What other choice did he have, though?  The alternative (Rico thinking he was harbouring a secret crush) was even worse!

Realising he was getting nowhere fast, Matthew got a grip on the table\'s edge with on ehand, relieved to feel the solid texture of it against his skin.  He took a deep breath and looked his companion in the eye.  "No.  I\'m not interested in anyone.  I\'ve never been interested in anyone," he said with all the sincerity he could muster.

[Kysis]

"Never?"  Rico couldn\'t really believe that, that doubt seeping plain and clear into his voice.  No one was that aloof.  No one was completely immune to the calling the mind (or body) made towards other people.  Even with Matthew saying it all serious after stammering for a while, Rico had a hard time believing it.  Rico wasn\'t the best with judging people\'s emotions, but Matthew seemed to lay them out without realizing he was.

Perhaps Matthew just didn\'t realize he liked someone, but actually did.  That was always the case for confused, ignorant virgin boys.  They had no idea what liking felt like, so they didn\'t realize when they were.  Or perhaps Matthew was so vehement because he was trying to hide it?  Rico could muse on the subject for days but knew he had only this moment to react.  He did not want to keep Matthew on edge, but it really seemed like...

"Never?  Haven\'t you ever wanted someone\'s approval so bad it hurts?  Haven\'t you ever tried catching someone\'s eye even if it makes you feel silly?  Haven\'t you ever gotten the butterflies just thinking about someone?"  Rico expanded on what he considered to be acute signs of liking someone.  He was going with the \'Matthew doesn\'t realize it\' line of thought, phrasing it so the naive servant-man would understand.

Rico had definitely felt that way before.  Still did.  Well, not the butterflies, but Rico still wanted desperately to catch Kysis\' eye and to get his approval, which never came.  That would just make him sulky again, Rico pushing it from his thoughts.  Rico had a feeling that Matthew did at least feel minorly attracted to someone, so that was a start.  And Rico was enjoying this.  If Matthew showed complete hatred for the subject, Rico would drop it, but otherwise, it seemed like fair game.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew tasted a few responses before he finally settled on one he liked, giving genuine consideration to Rico\'s descriptions before finding it.

"No," he said, apologetically.  Judging by the look in the Greek\'s eye, he felt compelled to continue and justify this statement hastily afterwards.  "I mean, I always want Lam to be happy with what I do, and my parents, so I seek their approval but it\'s not... well... romantic, I suppose," he explained.  "I\'ve never had butterflies or tried to attract anyone\'s attention - except at the market."

He fell quiet then, taking a bite of food simply because it was going cold and offered him somewhere to look besides the dark eyes boring into his.  He\'d never felt so inadequate as he did at that moment, nor wished he was more interesting (or even able to pull the conversation back to the one that was hovering at the back of his mind) or had a tale he could tell.  All the frantic mental searching must have worked at some level however, for something did occur to him then.

"Oh!  Actually, I remember enjoying very much the time I went to the Liari manor and Alia spoke very sweetly to me.  It made me feel warm and important inside.  And, the same thing happened with another servant one time, when he asked me to come to his master\'s house and teach him to make a recipe that he\'d heard I did well.  We worked together for hours and he was very affectionate and I felt fantastic after that.  Does... do they count?"

[Kysis]

No.  Wow.  Rico was about to silently stand up and walk out in disbelief, but then Matthew started talking again.  The young Retainer was glued to his seat, wondering just what it was Matthew thought he could add to the no answer.  Apparently there was something, which was a surprise to Rico, so he didn\'t walk out yet.

But then it did seem Matthew had a heart in him somewhere.  Rico was starting to wonder about that.

"I would say the cooking part counts.  The warm feeling with Alia... sounds more like pride and appreciation."  Rico nodded slowly, not sure exactly how to put it.  Maybe Matthew had a tinge of like for Alia, but Rico would rather it not be so, as Alia was dead before that could go anywhere (and already quite enamored to Alexandri before that catastrophic turn of events).

However, now that they had a start, Rico wanted to push it along. "Who were you cooking with?"  It was a simple question.  Perhaps Rico could get the two of them in a room together again?  Maybe Rico could find a way to get in a room alone with said cook?  Hmmm, that was always an option.  Though Matthew had said he knew no one personally who was homosexual, yet it sounded like the cook was male.  So confusing.

Rather than trying to sort it out on his own, Rico decided just to leave it at the question and let Matthew untangle it.

[Existentially Odd]

"His name is James," Matthew responded, innocently believing that Rico didn\'t have any ulterior motives for bringing this up, other than to unpack it a little - or he was simply being friendly and changing the topic again (as he was wont to do!).  Perhaps he was interested in making Matthew feel more comfortable after bringing up subjects that he hadn\'t been able to say much about - talking about cooking with someone was certainly something they could both relate to.

"He makes a mean spiced chicken, we traded recipes for a few weeks, showing each other different things.  He works for a couple that live not far from here," the blonde rabbitted enthusiastically, seeing no harm in confiding such facts.  "We cooked together on and off until he seemed to become disinterested, I\'m not sure why.  I could search him out again, if you\'d like?"

[Kysis]

"I was just asking for your benefit."

Well, that was a sad turn for that to go.  Like, lead on, and crushed.  Wasn\'t that a pattern Rico knew all too well...  but he pulled his mind away from that, stating his need to out loud. "I really need to get my mind off Kysis."

He looked at his food, only partially eaten and cold.  Filo pie was good cold, but did he have an appetite?  Not right now.  Rico did not want to enjoy the food he had made for Kysis and gotten no credit or thanks for.  That would just throw him right back into that deep, dark hole again.  Depression was a hard funk to get out of.

"I wish...."

Rico wasn\'t sure what he wished.  There were some obvious things.  Like having Kysis back, even if only for a night.  Then they could properly say good bye and everything could be finally severed, once and for all.  But Kysis was too up tight to give him that wish, so Rico dismissed it.

"I need something, someone, I don\'t know."  Which was exactly how his brain was working at the moment.  Rico did not know.  As much as Rico wanted to push the subject with Matthew, it had hit a dead end.  Now it was just back to his terrible thoughts and misery again.

[Existentially Odd]

The fact that Rico was asking about James for his benefit left Matthew floundering again.  Plus, the blush came back, due to the fact that he understood exactly what the Greek was hinting at.  Embarrassed again.  He had no idea what sort of reaction he\'d give should he be put in a romantic situation with anyone, no matter their gender, so it was all rather disconcerting to contemplate it being arranged by Rico.  Especially when Matthew was\'t the one who wanted to find someone.

On the upside, the topic of conversation came full circle and led Matthew back to where he\'d wanted to be talking the whole time.  "Because, if left to your own devices, you start attempting inappropriate things with Kysis and he doesn\'t reciprocate that feeling?" Matthew hazarded.  He hoped that that would be confirmed.

[Kysis]

"Yes." Rico grumbled.  It was true, Rico had tripped Kysis into that kiss.  Though, that other time, right before the couple left for Greece, Kysis had been the one to pin him up against the wall.  Sadly no kiss came from that breathless situation.  The more Rico thought about all those chances and botched attempts, the more he missed that moment he and Kysis had been together.

"Left to my own devices without any way to let out all this constructively."

All this was meaning his want to love someone, his bodily frustration from a few months of not having any meaningful (or satisfying) sex and his confusion and exasperation at watching his lover with someone else, up close and personal.  It was too much for his poor brain to bear.

Rico slid his filo pie back close to him, poking in his utensil and taking a small bite, chewing it slowly, bitterly.  After that Rico did not take another bite, sliding the pie back away.  The pie reminded him of Kysis.  That was not helping him at all.

[Existentially Odd]

"Con... structively?" Matthew queried, unsure what Rico meant by this word (but pretty sure he shouldn\'t ask for such details).  Still, something within him was inspired and excited by the potential for this conversation.  It felt like the first real adult one he\'d ever had and he was loathe to let it slip away before he\'d got all his answers.

[Kysis]

Was Matthew really that much of a dolt?  Rico thought for a moments, swiveling in his chair to face Matthew.  From that look on his face, he was more interested in conversation than the actual topic.  Did he really not know what he meant by constructively?  Would he have to describe it explicitly, to a point that Rico would need to dismiss himself to sulk that he was not doing those things at the moment.

IT HAD BEEN TOO LONG!!!  Rico was in withdrawals, for the most part, and this was not helping either.  He closed his eyes to concentrate for a moment, confronted only with images of earlier, Matthew flaunting himself about mostly naked in the kitchen.  Quickly Rico opened his eyes again, trying to get that out of his mind.  TOO LONG.....

Rico leaned in close to Matthew again, those few finger-widths away from his face.  There Rico stopped, speaking in a whisper, low and a bit husky, "Constructively as in pursuing other modes of satisfaction than Kysis.  Finding other things to keep my mind off him, doing other people.  Constructively."

He still hovered there, wondering what Matthew would say to that.  There could be no more playing innocent, ignorant on the subject.