The Razors and the Dying Roses Plead

[Trillian]

BEN ARRIVED HOME into an empty apartment and a shiver went up his spine at the silence that greeted him.  He and Ichabod had gone their separate ways as soon as they\'d been released out the front door.  Ben had rejected a ride home, wanting to walk.  It had been a thought-filled walk, one that he spent turning events over and over in his mind, analysing them.
 
Kerr had plundered his memories without permission, that had been the worst of it.  He hadn\'t been able to explain himself, to reveal his secrets his own way, to beg or plead for forgiveness during the telling, it had just been... visions.  He\'d thought Kerr\'s way of dismissing the case entirely clever, perhaps too clever.  He hadn\'t thought Kerr could be so deceptive.  It was ironic really, that Ben\'s deception had in turn forced Kerr\'s own.  He didn\'t think he\'d be let off easily for that.
 
Ichabod.  Events with the mortal would have to be explained in full.  Kerr already had the details, he just needed to know the motivation.  Ben wasn\'t rightly sure what had inspired him to seek Ichabod out that way and certainly hadn\'t wanted any sexual involvement, yet it had happened.  Ben had to explain to Kerr that it was a form of debasement, not of desire.  That one would be difficult.  Kerr, however, was reasonable and forgiving, he was certain they could work past this, especially when his lover had saved him without batting an eyelash.
 
The secrets had to stop, he saw this now, he would tell Kerr everything he wanted to know, even if it was scarring, in order to compensate for the secrets discovered now.  Lazarus, Declan, everything.  He would spill everything, perhaps Kerr would even see the reasons Ben had done what he\'d done, even if Ben himself couldn\'t.  Another perspective could help him.  Ben was surprised he hadn\'t realised this fact until now.  It took a jolt of reality to set things straight sometimes.
 
In the apartment he sat on the couch that faced the front door and waited, perched on the cushion and ready to stand up when Kerr walked through it.  It turned out he had a much shorter time to wait than expected.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had left the boardroom as soon as he was confident that he was able to, finding his legs worked better than expected, that having Ben out of his sight allowed a certain level of numbness to intervene within him.  He\'d heard the remark about no more secrets from Ben and it had just... made him cringe.

He\'d found a secluded, quiet place and sat for about ten minutes, believing he would cry but finding that that numbness was having more of an effect than he\'d given it credit for.  The only time it faltered was when he contemplated going to his apartment and thinking about seeing Ben... being talked to and touched by him... imagined sleeping beside him and then... everything in him turned to water once more.

There was no choice in his mind, he had to get away.

After finding out exactly how many cases he\'d be walking out on (three), Kerr left work early, giving his co-workers instructions to hold the cases over for Declan the next night, because he simply didn\'t feel like doing any more work that evening.  He did his best to say this in a very blasé manner, for he didn\'t want the demons he\'d yelled at to question his sincerity now and a vampire claiming he wanted to go home because he didn\'t feel well was about as suspicious as things could get.  No, he bluffed his way out of the building just like he\'d bluffed his way through the case.

By the time he got to his apartment door, it was just after one in the morning and he could feel Ben inside.  He gritted his teeth and turned his key, stepping through the open doorway with a boldness he didn\'t feel.  Pushing the door closed behind himself, he simply stood there when his lover got to his feet, clenching his keys so tightly in his fist that he bent one, expecting that the blonde would want to speak.  Even though he wasn\'t ready to listen, Kerr would allow the fledgling that, out of courtesy.  His parting gift, even.

[Trillian]

All the things Ben had thought of to start with froze in his throat the instant he saw Kerr.  The anger his sire was feeling washed over him in a wave that could\'ve sunk an aircraft carrier and he was left floundering in its wake.  It was now that he realised how badly things were fucked.
 
"I\'m sorry," he said, his voice containing no real strength but he knew Kerr would hear the choked whisper anyway.  He was standing self-consciously in front of the sofa and had meant to make his way to Kerr the instant he arrived but felt it would be better to keep his distance for now.  "I know things got out of hand.  It spun out of control.  Out of my control."
 
Hardly eloquent, but at least he was talking.

[Existentially Odd]

Being so close to Ben (even though they were across the room from one another it felt close), Kerr couldn\'t keep his emotions in check any longer.  Anger, despair and the feeling of betrayal overwelmed him and his face crumpled a little as he gazed at the man he loved.

"Why... were you even... with him?" he bit out, fighting off tears and not really wanting to know but needing to.  \'Why\' was the one thing that had eluded him in his search through Ben\'s mind.

[Trillian]

He blinked at the raw emotion behind the question and felt his resolve crumple.  There was no denying the electric charge of feelings that were being zapped about this room, shocking him into speaking without thinking, for straight from the heart was the only way he had a chance to overcome this, he knew.
 
"To punish him," he replied.
 
Who else were you punishing, Benny boy?
Ichabod?  Kerr?  Yourself?
What the fuck did you think would happen?
 
"I... I don\'t even like him," he said, not knowing if this information would make things better or worse, but it was volunteered and hopefully Kerr would understand Ben was trying.

[Existentially Odd]

A rage of unimaginable proportions ricocheted through Kerr and his lip curled in a sneer even as his other hand fisted and he hissed in response.  He hissed.  Words were beyond him, even though they raved through his head

IF YOU DON\'T FUCKING LIKE HIM THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SPENDING ALL YOUR FREE TIME PRACTICALLY FUCKING HIM?

and he did his best to hold it in.

It was just the impetus he needed to spur him on into the apartment.  He couldn\'t bear to be there, to look at Ben, to listen to him mewl any longer.  If he did, he would do something he regretted because these emotions were too raw, too immense.  They would control him.

Now he understood the desperation his sire had felt when he\'d retrieved an axe from the garage and attempted to remove his head with it, seeing no other way out.  Well, Kerr could and he would take that instead of acting on his most savage impulses.

He walked into the bedroom, tossing his keys onto the bed and stalking beyond, into the wardrobe, where he grabbed his suitcase down from its place of storage.  It was quickly thrown open onto the bed too, and he began to pack as many clothes into it as he could, striding between the bedroom, the robe and his dresser of drawers, trying not to think of the amount of times he\'d done this recently and of the way he was feeling.  Best to concentrate simply on two pairs of jeans or three?

[Trillian]

When Kerr hissed through his teeth the thought came out and at him like a powerful scream, only from a very distant place, like someone with immense lung power was shouting across an ocean.  He knew he\'d overheard, that it wasn\'t a projected thought, but he sensed the power behind it.  The fact it hadn\'t been actually sent to him - more than the anger behind the statement itself - was what left Ben shocked and staring at Kerr until his sire left the room and headed to the bedroom.
 
With a sinking heart, Ben spurred on his feet to follow and found himself staring at Kerr from the doorway, watching as his sire moved to and fro, packing things.  Questions came to mind but none of them deserved release;
 
What are you doing? Are you leaving me? How long will you be gone? Can\'t we just talk?
 
"Please stop," he said finally, thinking that Kerr wouldn\'t but trying anyway.  "You didn\'t give me the chance to tell you.  You just pulled it out of my head.  I should be allowed to tell you how it happened, how it evolved."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr rounded on Ben, his teeth bared in a grimace as he turned on the spot, holding a couple of folded jumpers in his hands that were suddenly forced against his chest.

"And what will that change?" he snarled, his accent thicker than ever and his voice a choked, constrained thing as it wended its way out from behind his clenched fangs.  "Will it erase the fact that you chose to spend time with him and do those things with him?  Will it take that away?  Because you know what?  Right now, I don\'t give a fuck why you did it, all I care about is that you did.  That you went outside our relationship for something that you feel was so worthless, it can be justified here and now by you telling me how it evolved.  Well, that just makes it worse!" Kerr screeched, turning back and shoving the clothes he held down into his suitcase.

When he straightened, he glared at Ben warningly.  "I know you think you can explain it - rationally, I know that - but right now, all I can feel is hurt.  It hurts me to look at you, to hear you, to be close to you.  I... trusted you.  You broke that.  You broke me.  And I can\'t be near you any more," he admitted, the words matching his raw tone as the sadness within him was released.  He didn\'t like that emotion, it was weakening, debilitating.  He wouldn\'t even get his packing done before he crumpled if he allowed that to show.

Fighting it, Kerr spun away again, surprised to find himself unsteady on his feet as he staggered into the wardrobe to collect clothes he didn\'t really care about, now that he thought about it.  But it had seemed important at some stage.  Important enough to come here and endure this horror, anyway.  Why was that?

[Trillian]

Kerr had ended all arguments from Ben as surely as he\'d taken a pair of scissors and snipped them. Anything that the fledgling said now was deemed unimportant and useless. He was lost, helpless, feeling like his world has skewed rather dramatically to one side and he was unable to straighten it.
 
"But I love you," he managed finally, sure that this was important in the manner of all things. Love overcame everything. What he\'d done with Ichabod wasn\'t anywhere as near as bad as what he\'d done with Declan or Lazarus. He\'d sold himself to them for different reasons. He\'d never sold himself to Ichabod, it had been more of a hostile series of interactions, could Kerr not see that?  He\'d forgiven him for them, why not Ichabod?
 
The world was still askew, like a painting that hung off only one nail and someone had thumped on the wall.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr returned from the wardrobe with what he\'d decided would be his final load of clothes - six of his suits, still on their hangers - because he couldn\'t stay any longer.  If he needed any other clothes, he would just buy them.  Right now, he couldn\'t imagine what he\'d even use clothes for, because he just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and die... and they were hardly necessary for that.

The fact that Ben told him he loved him felt like a cheap slap given after a punch in the face.  What was the point?  Love hadn\'t impacted on his actions, hadn\'t changed the way he\'d treated Ichabod.  Loving someone meant accepting them and their idiosynchracies entirely; at the least of it, Ben knew how horrified by victimisation Kerr was, after living with Sawyl, and it should have changed his behaviour.  True love should\'ve made him think twice and change his mind, but it hadn\'t.  So what were those words, besides dollar perfume sprayed on a hooker\'s scarred wrist?

He waited until the suitcase was packed, closed and in his hand (his keys in the other) before he responded next.  He was facing Ben squarely.   "They\'re just words," he said defeatedly, his words deadpan now that he was back in control of his wayward emotions.  "You talk it... but you haven\'t walked it.  You say you love me, yet you keep yourself locked away.  And now you want to show me the real you, after you put me in the most awkward situation and force me to take from you?  If you loved me, you\'d have given long ago, all those times I begged.  I gave you everything, I didn\'t know any better. I\'ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you and I didn\'t know how to hold anything back," he confessed sncerely, speaking more rapidly as he forced his point out.  He blinked as he stared steadily at his lover.

"Maybe you love me, but you never loved yourself enough to trust me with you and now... you broke mine.  So don\'t bother talking about love, because I don\'t believe it anyway," he finished sadly, taking a step towards Ben, hoping the fledgling would move out of the doorway and let him leave with his dignity intact.  God knew his love was a rejected puddle of shit sticking to his shoes by this stage.

[Trillian]

Those words cut through Ben and left him hollow.  There was no fighting with despondancy.  If he\'d thought it hard to argue before Kerr had said all that then he\'d had no clue.  There was no fight in him as each statement Kerr made lent him to realise how sour everything had turned out.
 
And it was all his fault.  He could throw himself at Kerr\'s feet and plead for mercy but it would do no good.  He could scream out how wrong Kerr was, that the words were true, he loved him, but it would do no good.  He could stand before him and refuse him to leave, but that would do no good either.  There was no good to be had, there was only him and what he\'d done to destroy Kerr in his selfishness.
 
It was now that tears prickled his eyes though the situation was too surreal for them to flow with any real misery.  Looking through blurry eyes as Kerr moved to him and stepping aside so that his sire could move past him, he followed like a lost pup as Kerr went to the door.
 
"I need you," he managed to choke out as the front door opened.  If Kerr couldn\'t believe he loved him, perhaps he would believe that.  The problem was, Ben didn\'t think he cared about how much Ben needed him anymore.

[Existentially Odd]

The words gave Kerr pause, his hand on the doorknob as he was about to step out for good.  He didn\'t turn around, but he did half look over his shoulder, unable to face Ben again but yearning for every bit of contact he could get, even now.  Despite everything, it wasn\'t easy to say goodbye and follow through immediately.

"I need you, too, but I\'m going to do my best to get beyond it.  I\'m sure you\'ll manage.  Go to Arles for training, he\'ll be glad to see you again."  He pressed his lips together then, realising that his words were becoming bitter once more.  He was working his way back to fury, he could feel it, for the thought of Arles and Ben rekindling their sexual relationship was all too clear in his head.

He walked out into the hall and pressed the button for the elevator, keeping his back to his apartment, waiting for the lift to come collect him and take him down to his car so he could go... away.  He wasn\'t sure where, yet.

[Trillian]

Ben watched from the front door as Kerr stepped into the elevator, seeing the doors closing behind his sire. For a long time he stood there, staring at it, waiting for Kerr to come back, but instead the presence of the blood bond that connected them faded.
 
He closed the door and hugged himself as he faced the apartment that wasn\'t his. It took him a little while of staring before what had just happened hit him and he sank to the floor, clutching his stomach and leaning over to bury his face into the carpet as he sobbed.