Advances

[Kysis]

It was cute, how Matthew was going about it so slowly, as if he was trying to get used to being so close to a person as a first step.  Rico realized his fellow servant really wasn’t lying when he said he had no inkling of these things.  It was odd for Rico.  The young Retainer had always been a very physical person, from the moment he was born until now.  It was confusing, but Rico decided it would probably be good for him to learn how to be a

And Rico really did not mind the contact.

It felt good, having someone leaning into him, nuzzling him, just taking time and enjoying the contact itself.  Rico had not really gotten that before, closing his eyes for a moment to relish in it.  Matthew smelled good.

When Matthew finally went into the kiss, Rico stopped rubbing with his hand and let it cup the back of Matthew’s head, a guard against him suddenly pulling back in a fright.  Rico gave into the kiss, and a touch of the yearning for someone special came through in it.  Noticing that spark of emotion, Rico ended the kiss, pulling back slowly, pulling on Matthew’s lower lip a little as he did so the lengthen the departure.

Rico breathed a sigh, leaning his forehead against Matthew’s, hand falling so his arm just rested across the other male’s shoulder.

He felt like a traitor.

Despite that sudden sinking feeling in his stomach, Rico managed a smile, and speech too. “I think that was a good lesson for now.  How about we call it a night?”

As much as Rico enjoyed that kiss, he felt bad for it.  He wanted to be alone.  Rico faked his customary, charismatic smile, trying to get a reassuring look in his eyes.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew could see the insincerity as plain as day, and he interpreted it to be a negative review on his abilities.  Rico was obviously trying to be nice about it, but he hadn\'t thought too much of Matthew\'s efforts and, instead of being blunt, he was being his usual charming self and pretending that one small kiss was enough for him.  One small kiss for someone with his experience?  It was a ludicrous proposition!

He pulled back so that their foreheads were not touching and Rico\'s hand was no longer contacting him, the light of enthusiasm dying in his blue eyes.  "That\'s fine," he said politely, trying to act nonchalantly and achieving it about as well as Rico was achieving sincerity.  Without saying anything more, he got smoothly to his feet and collected both their mugs, intending to retreat to the kitchen and figure out how best to swallow the embarrassment burning in his chest and his cheeks.

[Kysis]

Rico saw immediately that he had failed at hiding his problem the moment Matthew pulled away from him.  The young Retainer watched Matthew take the mugs and go, Rico staying where he was, with that fake face on.  As soon as Matthew was out of the room though, that expression melted into one that was rather distraught, hands running over his face to cover it.

He let himself lay down on his back, holding himself like that, eyes unfocused on the ceiling, the same thoughts running through his head:

What in the hells am I doing?

All the while Rico had been trying to convince himself that somehow, his playing around some was nothing bad.  In fact, he had tried thinking he was still loyal to Kysis, and that faithfulness would somehow sway him back.  No.  That faithfulness had been broken by how he just reacted.

The fact that Matthew did not feel it was surprising.

Rico just stayed lying there, hoping no one saw him in this state.  If Matthew went up to bed, Rico was going to draw water for a cold bath.  If not.... Rico would wait.  He knew he wouldn\'t be able to sleep, anyway.

[Existentially Odd]

Habit dictated that Matthew would not go upstairs immediately after cleaning up their after dinner treat; not with a fire burning merrily in the drawing room, anyway.  He wandered back in there, expecting that Rico would have... moved or something, surprised to find him still lying there watching the ceiling in a very serious manner.

The blonde paused in the doorway, watching his companion with curiosity.  He sensed something amiss but couldn\'t put his finger on what it was.  "Is there something wrong?" he asked from his position, and then blinked, speaking before his brain had approved such a comment and feeling that it was a mistake to have said it.

[Kysis]

Rico let out a long, shaking sigh, letting his hands fall to his side.  He still stared upwards, trying to think of what to say.  There were a lot of things tumbling through his mind.  There were a lot of things he could say, and it was the thing that didn\'t register in his brain first that spilled out.

"I\'m just stupid."

For a moment Rico closed his eyes, just trying to lie there as still as possible.  Breathing made that difficult, as it kept him moving, but his brain, which felt like it was bouncing all over the place, would not be still.  Oh no.  That mask of tact and sugar-coating had completely fallen, leaving Rico speaking exactly what was on his mind.  No frills right now.

"I want to move on from Kysis, but any time I actually want someone I feel so damn guilty and.... ruin my chance to finally move on!" Rico rolled on his side, slightly curled.  He stared at Matthew\'s feet.

Mentally, Rico was kicking himself.  The moment he had really put some drive in the kiss, he had felt guilty and ended it before the kiss could be anything.  Then he offended Matthew, to top it off.  Great.  Everything was going just great.

[Existentially Odd]

Shock registered on Matthew\'s face just as transparently as all his emotions did and, as if pulled in by a rope tied about his waist, he padded into the room and sat back down on the carpet just before Rico, legs crossed tailor fashion and his hands dangling in the open space of his lap.

It was difficult to resist the urge to ask \'So you did like the kiss?\' but he managed, passing it by to bring up the heart of the problem.  "Why would you feel guilty?  He\'s in love with Lam."

[Kysis]

That felt like a slap across the face.  Rico sighed again.

"I know.  That\'s why I\'m stupid."

Though it was grumbled, Rico had nothing against Matthew for saying it.  Rico\'s mind was drawing a big blank, but words were still coming out, only really registering afterwards.

"I just feel that if I enjoy someone else, it will be over, forever, and....  I know I should."

Rico swallowed back the lump in his throat, or at least tried to.  He stared at Matthew\'s legs, since they were right there, and Rico did not feel like craning his head to look up.  Not at the moment, at least.  Rico would just ramble on to Matthew\'s legs.

"I pulled away because I felt guilty."

Was this really getting him anywhere?  Rico had no idea.  He had wanted more.  From the kiss, from Matthew, and that want had startled him.  He had never actually felt a drive for more, that actually pulled him in, unless it had been with Kysis.  And now that he felt it with someone else... Rico was more clueless than he thought he would be, for all his experience.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew gnawed on the inside of his lip, quiet and thoughtful.  He felt out of his depth, certainly not one to give advice on relationships when he\'d never been in one, but compelled to attempt it because he didn\'t like this change in Rico.  It felt much like it had when they\'d first begun living together and he realised now that his roommate had not actually been uncomfortable with living with him when he\'d avoided him at the start... he\'d been mourning the leaving of the one he loved.

"I understand," he said at last, because it felt like something needed to be said, but he had no idea what use he was.  "Maybe you need to allow yourself to mourn?"  Matthew knew this wasn\'t a death, but allowing a strong love to pass was surely as monumental as that.

[Kysis]

"I\'ve been mourning for a year already.  It hasn\'t helped."

Forcing himself to, Rico first propped himself up on his elbow, then slowly came to sit again.  He felt like his thoughts and feelings had been boiling for a long time now and the kettle had finally burst outward.  It was a draining feeling, but that pressure was finally allowed to ooze out.  If anything, this was helping.

Even the talk with Lam hadn\'t done this much.

"I\'m sorry for killing our kiss...."

If people thought Kysis never apologized, they had never dealt with Rico.  That was probably the first apology he had uttered since puberty.  Rico rarely ever thought he was in the wrong, EVER, no matter what it was he had done.  Anyone who knew Rico would have realized just how much it took him to utter that apology, not that the knowledge of it mattered.

"It wasn\'t you.  Really."

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew grinned, his eyes glistening happily, despite himself.  "I\'m glad," he admitted sheepishly, realising it was a very selfish thing to say but unable to help himself.

"I was a little worried.  But it\'s more important that you feel better about... moving on.  What do you unconsciously feel might be the repercussions of you... being with someone else?" he asked, blushing slightly because to contemplate what he\'d just asked... was difficult.  He didn\'t give it too much thought.  He was more interested in what the depths of Rico\'s psyche was like, anyway.  Really.

[Kysis]

"The guilt I feel... is wrong, but I couldn\'t stop it.  He has already moved on..."

Wow.  Matthew was the last person Rico had expected to say something enlightening on the subject of relationships, seeing as he had had none.  But wisdom came from the strangest of sources at times.  That in mind, Rico considered his next move.  This wasn\'t a chess game, but he really should think about what he said and did before doing it.

"Maybe..."  Rico looked away from Matthew, past him towards the fire.  For some reason he felt he could not look at Matthew while saying this without breaking into a blush, another thing Rico rarely, if ever did.  The last time he blushed was--

He really had to stop thinking about Kysis.

"Maybe you can be my therapy."  A light dusting of pink took his cheeks anyway, barely enough to be noticeable.  Rico wanted to hug Matthew but kept that urge to himself until any sort of agreement was gained.  If Matthew wanted no part of it, Rico wouldn\'t force him.

[Existentially Odd]

The blonde gave a nervous laugh, doing enough blushing for both of them.  Therapy... what would that involve?  Nothing easy and certainly things that would change his outlook on life.  But then... that\'d already started to change anyway, hadn\'t it?  He\'d begun walking down that road the first night Rico had kissed him, his thoughts had been ensnared ever since.  He was yearning more than he\'d ever experienced (well, yearning at all was different, really) and becoming bolder in his deeds.

Perhaps this therapy that Rico spoke of would be a mutually beneficial arrangement for both of them?  "I can see how that would be... a good thing," Matthew conceded, smiling despite the coy nature of his response.  "I\'d like it... I think.  Though I might not be very... uh... relaxed with... things," he confessed, blushing again.  Truthfully, he wasn\'t even sure what \'things\' were... but he knew that the thought of them was enough to flip his insides and make them quiver with anticipation, so they surely couldn\'t be that bad.

[Kysis]

With the concession that the therapy would be good, not only for Rico, but for Matthew, Rico relaxed a little.  It was a step.  One tiny little step.  At least he was making them now, since the last year had been him holding on to his spot for dear life and loosing ground at every turn.  Kysis did not want Rico any more.  In fact, Kysis\' want for Rico had probably ended the moment after their one night stand.

That thought hurt, but he didn\'t forget it.

Rico leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Matthew and hugging.  He rested his head on Matthew\'s shoulder.  The young Retainer really needed a hug right now.  The contact was comforting in a non-sexual way.  Rico needed something like that.  With as physical as he was by nature, Rico rarely, if ever, got non-sexual comforting.

So he just held tight (but not too tight) and waited for himself to calm down a bit.

[Existentially Odd]

Matthew was a little overwhelmed by the hug, not having expected Rico to sit up, much less embrace him, but he shuffled about and shifted his legs so that he could accommodate the Greek man between them, and hug him properly.  He was slightly smaller and incredibly comfortable to hold, which surprised the blonde.  He was never one for hugging, either.

After a while, he felt compelled to break the silence, noting the fire was dying down (over Rico\'s curls) and thinking they should probably go to bed.  Their days always started early, since they had to go to the manor to make breakfasts.  Or at least, Matthew did.  "Does not seeing him make it better?" he asked quietly.  "Or worse?"

[Kysis]

It only took a moment of thinking for Rico to respond, his talking against the curve that went from shoulder to neck. "Worse."  Rico did not want to break contact with Matthew, but knew he would have to soon.  So far they had both been rather strict on themselves for when it was time to go to bed and sleep and get up.  Rico could generally hear Matthew going into his room, since Rico generally spent after dinner in his room before going to bed.  It had been a routine, a set schedule.  Rico doubted it would be broken now.

"I should go back, but Kysis forbid it, so... he\'s not helping any."

Through all of their back and forth, Kysis had never tried to make things better.  The sudden disappearance of Kysis after their one night stand had been shattering.  It took a week for Rico to figure out where Kysis had gone, and by then he was trapped in an unwilling net.  It had to end.  Kysis was just going to go on merrily with his life whether or not Rico was miserable, Rico was sure.  So, why bother?  Sulking and wishing for something that wasn\'t coming true had yet to help him at all.

"Maybe a little bit of time and I can go back and tell him I am moving on."  Rico snuggled in a little closer, now noticing that he was a bit smaller than Matthew.  Was there a single man in the world smaller than him?  Rico was starting to doubt it (though he most certainly was wrong).  It felt right to be held though.  It would be being held if Rico was bigger than Matthew.  That would be holding.  Held was more comforting.