The Whole Truth

[Mandy]

She shook her head resolutely, having already come to a conclusion on that particular front.

“I can`t stay in this place knowing that he was here, with you. But there`s a lease. I think it would be best if I leave, and you can finish it out. Should only be about five or six months left. If you don`t want to stay… I`ll just have to pay the penalties for breaking early. It`s entirely up to you.” Though she hoped he would remain. If memory served, the fees would be in excess of $1500.00.

Hugging her waist (and feeling more alone than she ever had in her entire life), Mandy gazed numbly at the floor. Why did things like this always seem to gravitate toward her? They had been doing so well...

“I`ll pack my things and leave in the morning. I have a friend I can stay with – “ Barry, a nurse she used to work with in the emergency room, “ – so you won`t have to worry. The furniture can stay. It was never very important to me anyhow. All I`ll need are my personal affects and Artemis…” Speaking of which, the tiny ball of fur had not yet come out to greet her.

Consumed by sudden realization, Mandy`s eyes grew wide - quickly darting up to Ichabod`s face, “Where is the cat? The door did get shut before you left tonight… didn`t it?”

[pinkroses]

Ichabod blinked in surprise at her words. She was going to move out? But that made no sense, he was the one who had wronged her, he was the one who should try to find somewhere else. Not to mention there was no way he could afford to stay here alone, but that thought hadn’t yet crossed his mind. Ichabod didn’t want to argue with her though, that would just make things worse… strange that that was the thought that had gone through his mind so often when he was with Ben.

He blinked at her blankly as she asked him about Artemis, then glanced around the room, trying to spot the cat.

“I… uh, I don’t know. It was open when I got back,” he said, his voice shaking a little as he spoke and he looked around more frantically. Great, that was just the cherry on the cake.

[Mandy]

Concern turned to panic as Ichabod admitted to the door being ajar when he at last, returned home - Mandy quickly sprung into to action; checking all the \'usual\' places in hopes that the cat had somehow missed the open invitation for escape. Unfortunately, for all her searching, Artemis was absolutely nowhere to be found.

“God Damn it,” She swore, striding back into the front foyer and throwing open the door, “Artemis, here kitty-kitty-kitty.” But he was already long gone – a chance meeting with the elevator ushering him to the first floor where it was only a matter of time before he exited the building completely. Felines can be quite stealthy when the situation requires.

“I`m gonna go look for him, you stay here.” She instructed, leaving the issue closed for debate. Some time away might actually be a good thing – help her to clear her head. Who knew, in a few hours time, she might have a slightly different perspective on the issue… assuming of course, she located the cat.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod helped Mandy look around the flat for the cat, but he got the feeling he was hindering her more than helping. He opened his mouth to protest the order to stay here as she grabbed her coat, not understanding it, but once again, he didn’t want her to be more angry with him than she already was.

“I’m sorry,” he said, standing in the middle of the room, looking as terrible as he felt and younger than he usually did. “I hope you find him,” he added, watching her leave.

[Mandy]

~*~*~

It was well after 2am by the time Mandy finally returned home, defeated and utterly exhausted (both physically and emotionally). There was nothing more that could be taken from her. Her dignity, her confidence – all of it was gone, and now… so was her cat. She was a shell of her former self. A shadow of the bubbly, optimistic girl who used to exist.

And it had only taken a year and a half to sufficiently do her in.

The again, things always appeared to be their worst when one was down as far as they believe they could go. Surely, the desperation she felt now, was nothing more than a combination of self-pity mixed with the hurt of (what she perceived to be), betrayal. Who she was, wasn`t dead… they were just temporarily unavailable. At least, they were for now.

She packed in silence, only the barest of essentials. Socks, underwear, bras, a few reasonable outfits (and scrubs for work) and an extra pair of shoes. Her toiletries were gathered in a similar manner; the make-up bag easily brushed into a carry-on type duffle along with hair products, toothbrush and toothpaste and necessary medications. Twenty minutes after she had began – Mandy was done. All that remained now was the last few hours until morning (which were spent curled up in a ball on the couch as she couldn`t bring herself to lay with Ichabod in their bed). Once morning came – she would be able to call Barry and arrange a ride.

It was easily the longest few hours of her entire, mortal life.

Dawn arrived with little ceremony and as expected, her call to Barry was more than well received. He even offered to pick her up within the hour, believing her to be ‘wrongly evicted from the premises’ - Mandy not having the heart to tell him the truth about her and Ichabod parting ways. It was better he didn`t know anyway. She didn`t want him to think poorly of her, after all. And so it was; at 8:46am on Tuesday morning, Mandy stood halfhearted at her soon to be former-front door, suit case in one hand, her purse and carry-on in the other. This was goodbye, and she had initiated it… so why was it so damn hard?

Clearing her throat, she shouldered her purse and duffle – depositing her key on the shoe rack before glancing toward Ichabod (who looked as miserable as she currently felt).

Just be strong…

“The number where I`ll be staying is on a ledger by the phone… in case you need anything or have any questions.” She explained, her entire body feeling numb and hallow - her voice not sounding at all like her own, “I intend to pay my portion of the rent until the lease is up, I`ll be sure to get it to you before the end of every month. Just keep me posted on if it goes up again – you know how the land lord is.”

[pinkroses]

After Mandy had left the night before Ichabod had searched the entire house for Artemis again before falling asleep, exhausted on top of the covers in the bedroom. He’d meant to stay awake to see how her search had gone and then go to sleep on the sofa to give her the bed but when he woke up the next morning he realized he must have dropped off and not woken up when Mandy returned. He’d woken up early, forcing back tears when he spotted her suitcase and her body curled up on the sofa.

His dark eyes stayed fixed on the key as she put it down. She wasn’t even taking it? Should wouldn’t even consider coming back? As she spoke he eventually pulled his gaze back up to meet hers, his eyes red and shining as he twisted his fingers together in an attempt to stop them from shaking.

“Mandy, please,” he whispered, “You’re my best friend, isn’t there… can’t we get through this?” People did all the time… on TV, in books. There was a betrayal, hurt, but then they would try to get through it and things would be better in the end. Wasn’t that how it went?

[Mandy]

“Ichabod…” Her voice trailed off as she searched for the proper words to say. But that was the problem, wasn`t it? What could she say? She was upset at the teen. He`d betrayed her with someone he`d professed to despise, lost her cat…

“… we will get through this… just, not as lovers.” She finally resigned, deciding that this account best explained her feelings for him. Someday, she truly hoped that they might come together once again as friends… but it could never be anything more than that. “You`re still my best friend… I just don`t like you very much right now.”

It was one of the hardest things Mandy had ever had to say. And yet, there was so much more to it than that.

What she really wanted, was to unleash her hopeless anguish on Ichabod in full. To make him suffer for putting her through the hell he`d so thoughtlessly imposed and for humiliating her in such a deeply profound way. He may have thought himself innocent in all of this – a victim… but Mandy believed otherwise. And nothing anyone could have possibly said was ever going to change her mind.

Blinking back a stinging well of tears, she slipped into a pair of cross trainers waiting patiently by the front door - her left hand reaching out for the brass knob as she prepared to make her final leave. This was for the best. It would never have worked out between the two of them anyway.

“I`m not what you need.” She furthered in a hushed voice, turning the handle sadly, “Good bye, Ichabod.”

[pinkroses]

He stared at her blankly as she spoke, not believing her at all. If she considered him her best friend then why was she leaving? Why didn’t she want to work through this? Why wouldn’t she forgive him for something he’d had no control over? He was completely clueless. Being with her had made him feel more alive than he ever had. He’d really felt like he’d finally fitted somewhere, like someone needed him and his life had had a point. Now that was all being ripped away from him. If she wasn’t what he needed then he had no idea what or who was. And he was about to be back where he’d started, only worse off than before because now he knew what it felt like to be really happy and he knew it was gone, probably forever.

Swallowing hard Ichabod quickly turned away from the door and stalked into the living room. He didn’t want to cry and definitely didn’t want Mandy to see it happen. He knew he should say goodbye, that it would look like he was being selfish and immature but the lump in his throat made talking impossible. Watching her go with that suitcase would just make everything more real. As he curled up on the sofa with his back to the entrance of the flat, staring blankly at a spot on the floor, he debated how long her could pretend to himself that she was just going to work; that she would come back in a few hours and everything would go back to normal.

But pretending wasn’t that easy. Not when the pain was building up in his chest, pricking at the back of his eyes and making his breathing shaky. If he didn’t need her then he definitely needed cigarettes… and alcohol. Anything to dull the pain. Ichabod shut his eyes as he curled his arms around his knees, not even hearing as she left him and shut the door.