A Difficult Discovery

[Existentially Odd]

He gave an ironic chuckle, gazing wryly at her face.  "I hadn\'t thought about what this place would look like in the daylight.  I guess I don\'t consider such things any more.  Maybe that\'s why vampires like the beach - or me, really.  On the coast, there\'s always something different and nothing ever looks the same twice, because the ocean is ever-moving.  It gives the illusion of depth and alternate facets when there really aren\'t, there\'s just the one we eternally witness; the nighttime version.  When there\'s a whole half of every twenty-four hours we never see anymore, we have to find variety where we can and I think that\'s what the sea offers, shallow as it is," he mused, thinking on his feet and pondering as he spoke.

He\'d never consciously missed the daylight, for its subtleties were forgotten and all he associated the sun with now was burning, painful brightness.  The softer ends of the day, at dusk and dawn, were occasionally witnessed by him (though very rarely by sight, usually just as a feeling) and that was enough of a highlight of the sun\'s abilities.  The thought of standing down here on the beach in broad daylight made him shudder, for it was akin to imagining inserting oneself into a giant oven to be roasted quickly and there was no appeal to that, nor any thought beyond potential pain.

"Variety," he finished quietly, still strolling aimlessly about the beach area, scanning for interesting things on the sand but also casting suspicious looks up at the moon.  It showed reflected light from the sun, a cheap trick that was shown to be false by the fact that it couldn\'t damage him.  The moon\'s light was an illusion, just as his solitude was right now.  Life seemed filled with falseness, if he thought about it - though he was trying to get deception off his mind and embrace the potential reality of an intangible future, so he probably needed to change the subject.

[Mandy]

“If you ever want to see what it looks like again, you`re welcome to, you know.” Mandy offered as they strolled hand in hand down the beach, Kerr`s thoughtful words profound in a way the female might never understand (unless she became kindred). “I have a photographic memory, or at least – that was what my teachers used to insist. Should you ever want a peek of the day, I`d be happy to share my thoughts. I`ve never had a problem with you looking before – you know that.”

It was an invitation to enter her mind; for images of the waking hours (as seen through her eyes), for glimpses of the life she led while Kerr was asleep… for a taste of just how deeply she actually cared for him. Whether or not he decided to venture into the realm of uncertainty (and virtual impoliteness, as she was sure he was likely to identify it) was entirely up to him.

Waiting for his response, Mandy swung their hands lightly, hoping to keep the mood light.

[Existentially Odd]

He laughed again, the small sound of amusement barely rumbling out of his chest at a volume that could be heard by her.  She might interpret this as him laughing at her, but he didn\'t mean to be intentionally cruel.  The whole concept of wanting to get in touch with the daylight again was what tickled his humour so.

"No, it\'s fine, thank you.  If I wanted to see, there are plenty of images on television, in movies or on the Internet for me to observe.  Your mind would give me more of the sensory impact those images would lack but it\'s really not worth wasting the time to disrupt your thoughts to experience that.  There\'s no point, when it\'s still never going to be anything I\'ll have for myself or that will become part of my life again.  It\'s a bit like going through old photo albums I suppose; would give me a nice feeling of nostaligia and a fleeting, happy thought perhaps, but it doesn\'t change my present or my future because it\'s a moment that\'s moved into the shadows of my mind, where it will never stir again," he explained, giving a shrug.

The sun wasn\'t something he longed to see again, it wasn\'t something he considered to be part of his world; he barely remembered it to have had impact on his past.  Was there a time when he didn\'t have pale, marbelesque skin and a sensitivity to sunlight that caused him severe pain if it touched him?  It didn\'t seem real to him, for it was four centuries in the past and certainly not something he pined after.

Kerr looked at Mandy from a tilted head, grinning cheekily down at her.  "Are you a big fan of the sun?"

[Mandy]

She disliked his reasoning, and his seeming amusement at her offer. ‘A nice feeling of nostalgia and a fleeting, happy thought’? That was WHY she wanted to share it with him, and yes – the sensory impact (as he so technically referred to it), was the very thing she had intended to share. The way Kerr spoke about having no interest in such things, well… it rather disappointed Mandy.

Even if he had no desire to share in something so personal with her like that, he could have at least pretended to be appreciative.

Staring blankly down toward the sand they were navigating, she shook her head at Kerr`s question to follow. “No.” Came her simple reply.

She loved him, she really did, but if he was not even going to indulge her a little in the small endowments she offered (had he actually laughed at the suggestion?), then she wasn`t about to bare it all over something he obviously had little interest in. It wasn`t the sun that she enjoyed and wanted to share, but rather, the vibrant colors, unusual shadows and overall effect it possessed with certain elements in the environment. She`d thought Kerr might value an experience like that.

It had been a truly artistic motivation.

Licking her lips, Mandy struggled to think of something additional to say (least she appear an overly emotional basket case), falling somewhat short of the mark, “I`ve no particular interest in it… it`s not important.”

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr misinterpreted her response, feeling that she was trying to hide something or speak falsely with the words; he missed the fact that he\'d hurt her entirely.  He came to the conclusion that she was trying to sound cool about the sun for another reason.  He believed she was trying to sound nonchalant because she was, perhaps, still harbouring some thoughts about becoming a vampire.

He frowned slightly to himself, walking his toes into the dry, shifting sand and watching the things that they touched.  A small cowrie shell caught his eye and he bent to pick it up, turning it over thoughtfully in his hand but not letting her go with the other.  Would it be rude to ask, after all the help she\'d been to him?  Would the conversation turn to Sawyl and he inadvertently admit that he\'d made a deal with his sire for Ben\'s sake?  That would be bad; in fact, a conversation about his old family would be bad altogether, dare he risk it?

After about five minutes of debate, he decided that he did.  "Do you still think about becoming kindred?" he asked, as casually as he could.  He spared a glance at her, from the corner of his eye.  "Do you think about what you\'d lose when you can no longer see the sun any more?  You don\'t think that would matter to you?"

[Mandy]

It was entirely unexpected. A monumental change of subject, somehow inspired by her concealed injury at his refusal to share her thoughts. Actually, she was rather surprised he`d even decided to breech the matter. Wasn`t he worried it might influence her eventual resolve?

Truth was, Mandy hadn`t come to a definite conclusion yet. She wasn`t totally on board with the idea, but she hadn`t dismissed it as a possibility either. The only thing that was really holding her back, was the presence of a willing sire, and one that she felt comfortable enough around to trust with such a serious task. There wasn`t exactly a lot of room for error. Was it possible Kerr was beginning to reconsider his original stance on changing her? Maybe he would be more receptive to the idea now that Ben was no longer a prominent influence in his life? That would be wonderful! She might even forgive him for getting rid of her name tattoo if that were the case.

Clinging to this hope, Mandy peered optimistically into Kerr`s eyes, thumbing his hand where it sat in hers. To be with him forever…

"Do you still think about becoming kindred?"

“I haven`t ruled it out as a possibility.” She answered in a hushed voice, considering the latter of his words, “What good is the sun if I have no one to share it with? I think I’d miss aspects of the day, but not the day itself.” Hesitating, Mandy carefully plotted out her next inquest, “Would... would you ever consider it… I mean… if I told you I wanted to?”

[Existentially Odd]

He glanced at her, frowning at the question.  Now it was his turn to be surprised.  She\'d asked him once and he\'d refused, so he believed she\'d go to his sire in his stead.  He knew that hadn\'t happened, because his promise of bringing Ben around to visit with Sawyl and the twins regularly had never been invoked (and he could only wonder how such a thing would go now, considering his tenuous relationship with both his sire and fledgling... they might even get on, who knew?).  Now she was asking him again, obviously feeling the way was clear because time and circumstances had changed.

The thing was, even if he and Ben weren\'t together, they\'d always be sire and fledgling, they\'d always be bonded, and he\'d always love the blonde like he\'d never loved anything or anyone before.  These facts were undeniable and truths that couldn\'t be changed no matter how much time passed them by.  He didn\'t think he could ever turn his back on Ben and sire Mandy, unless he had his fledgling\'s express permission.  Part of him wanted to help her out, to repay his debt for her sacrifices by altering her life as she wished it altered - fuck, if he owed anyone, it was definitely Mandy! - but he couldn\'t bring himself to do it.

It would fly right in Ben\'s face and, yet again, he was more intent on favouring his lover than his prior almost-lover.  If he and Mandy had consummated their relationship, it might have been different, she would have the greater claim, but it wasn\'t and she didn\'t.  He loved her as a very dear friend, for her loyalty and support, for her humour and her intelligence, but he was only in love with Ben.  How to say that to her without breaking her heart anew, though?  In this, he could only contemplate the truth.

"If time were on my side and things were different... if I could allow time to pass between Ben and I so that our bond wasn\'t so... strong... I would.  I really would," he told her sincerely, squeezing her hand and walking slightly closer to her, his pace slowing with the importance of his message.  "I certainly owe you that.  But the problem is... you don\'t have the ability or desire to wait until such a time would come to pass, which defeats the purpose, so, no, I really don\'t have the ability to consider it right now, unfortunately," he told her apologetically.  "And if not right now, then... never."

[Mandy]

Mandy regretted asking her question the very second Kerr slowed their pace and began handling her with kid gloves again, for she knew what his answer would be. No – of course no. Why should she be granted anything from him that she longed for? Ever since they`d separated over a year ago, things had been like this.

She blamed herself really.

Numbness sinking in once again, Mandy decided that she`d truly endured as much heartache and pain as any one person could in a single evening. It wouldn`t due to prologue it any further by walking hand in hand with a man that was so close, and yet – so far away. It was only then, that she realized, she wouldn`t even have an opportunity to tell him about the slivery haired man who`d saved her life out on the street. He probably wouldn`t have cared much anyway.

“I`m… I`m starting to feel a little chilled. I think I`ll head back. You`re welcome to keep walking though.” Mandy murmured under her voice (though she knew Kerr would hear it clearly, despite the lightly rolling waves and slight wind). To make her point obvious, she pried her warm hand from his. Surely, he wouldn`t try to stop her if he thought she were cold.

Without a word more, she turned and started heading back toward the house.

[Existentially Odd]

Frowning, he opened his mouth to speak to her, but he realised he actually didn\'t know what to say, so he simply stood there, gaping like a fish and watching her walk away.  What else could he say?  He\'d said enough to hurt her when admitting he still wouldn\'t be ready to sire her.  He\'d hoped that perhaps him wanting to do it would count for something, but it apparently didn\'t, which disappointed him.

Suddenly, the lightness in his step and the fluttery hope in his heart had dimmed due to this encounter and he could only stand and watch her walk away, knowing she wasn\'t cold but rather that she simply wanted to get away from him, because he\'d taken her name off his arm, he\'d not been interested in discussing the sun with her and, to top it all off, he\'d rejected her request for siring yet again.  He honestly didn\'t know what she saw in him but did anticipate that she was likely to be interested in moving away sometime soon.

Would she accept him offering to look after her financially or would she be too proud for that?  She might feel his offer was designed to eject her from his living space entirely (which it was, but not because he was sick of her, merely for her own benefit) and leave in a huff that saw her not talking to him at all.  It was hard to tell, but the one thing he could see was that Mandy had finally arrived at a place where she was seeing the reality of their relationship and how detrimental it was for her.  If she was smart, she would leave with her soul as intact as possible and with something that was going to help her incredibly, like her own home.

He woud be glad to that for her; Hell, it would be an honour.  All he had to do was figure out the best way to offer.  Gnawing thoughtfully on his tongue stud, Kerr turned to continue strolling around the beach, looking for something pretty or even unusual that might spark her artistic side and prove to her that he did care about her a great deal.  Just not as much as she wanted him to.  He hoped the quality of debris was high on his beach indeed...