The Visitor

[Trillian]

BEN FOUND HIMSELF staring at the grand house from the driveway as soon as he could see it.  The place was huge and nothing like what he\'d been expecting to find when Kerr had said he\'d bought a house facing the ocean.  Why would Kerr buy such a huge place?  Ben thought it would only enhance the feeling of loneliness.

He\'d parked his car at the lookout carpark about a kilometre away after driving past Kerr\'s place and being unable to see it from the road.  Forced to walk down, he had his hands in his pockets and was strolling a little too casually down the drive until he saw the place, where he stopped and stared.

It was intimidating, to approach this massive domicile, feeling Kerr flitting about inside like a heartbeat in his chest.  He knew Kerr would likely be sensing him as well but he didn\'t want to be trumped at the front door, to have his sire open it before he could knock.  It turned out that way anyhow, for as Ben approached he was only a couple of metres away when the front door opened and Kerr was standing there before him, looking at Ben dressed not quite casually in trousers and dress shoes with a white button shirt with patterned blue and brown scribble upon it.

Ben found himself smiling a tight smile, unsure of himself.  "Hi," he said, feeling awkward.

[Existentially Odd]

"Hi," Kerr responded in an equally subdued manner but the small smile he gave at finding his fledgling upon his doorstep glowed warmly in his eyes, showing his true pleasure.  "Please, come in," he bade, stepping aside so that the blonde could enter, feeling underdressed in his old jeans and a holey black T-shirt that had faded closer to grey.

It had been difficult for him to believe he was actually feeling Ben so close to him, and he'd been telling himself he was dreaming, trying to concentrate on the new door he'd been planing in the kitchen (one that was designed to swing when one walked in from the dining room).  It hadn't worked and, soon enough, Ben's presence had been undeniable, so he'd downed tools and gone to the front door.

Mandy wasn't on night shift any more so he was pretty sure she would be on her way from work, because she wasn't in the house.  She might also have been home and gone out shopping, he couldn't be sure.  What he had realised was that he hadn't mentioned anything about her to Ben and that it could possibly have a negative effect on their slow-growing relationship.  He was sort of hoping his roommate wouldn't be home any time soon, and that Ben wouldn't stay too long, for the thought of it left a fluttery, nauseous feeling writhing in his gut.

[Trillian]

"Thank you," Ben said politely, feeling like he was in a movie instead of living out a reality.  It was strange how they were behaving this way instead of intimately.  Before he would\'ve received a kiss or a hug, a grope and a growl of desire.  Now it was polite pleasantries while they figured out their new roles.  He didn\'t really like it but there was little else for him except to go through this and be glad that it wasn\'t completely over.

Upon stepping inside he looked up and around himself, feeling dwarfed by this phenomenal house.  It was a little worn in places and that made him realise Kerr\'s true intention of getting the house - to fix it up.  His lover had always been interested in antiques and interior design, it was only natural that he would covet something that needed work.  Busy hands made for a peaceful mind, right?

"Keeping yourself busy?" he asked, feeling formal and distant with how pathetic the question sounded.  Still, it was a natural thing to ask considering he\'d only just been looking around himself at the entranceway.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr chuckled and closed the door behind Ben, feeling a warmth spread through his chest that his lover knew him - or could at least interpret him - so well.  "Pretty much, yes.  It took me a while to get into it but I have some momentum now and lots of plans."  He felt embarrassed by the fact that he couldn\'t say he\'d not done anything in the house besides pine until Mandy came along.

"I, uh... don\'t know if I\'ll see them through or not but... there are plans, anyway," he mumbled, casting sheepish glances at Ben from under his lashes, wanting his fledgling to know that he wasn\'t so attached to the house he\'d stay in it over fixing their relationship but also not certain enough of anything to outright abandon it and say he was moving back into the apartment, either.

Maybe he\'d just pay people to fix it up the way he wanted and let Mandy live in it.  That would work.

"Come through," he invited, leading Ben down the long entrance hall towards the enormous, open lounge.  The new couch was covered with dust cloths because the barren wooden floor was partly ripped up but the view was still breathtaking from the top of the cliff.  He didn\'t bother pointing it out as he took a seat, leaving plenty of room for Ben to sit beside him.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t mistake the comment for what it was and looked at Kerr while his sire was giving him a strange expression, striking Ben mute.  When he was invited to move further in, he followed obediently until he found himself in the room that faced the ocean with magnificent views.  He stood there for a long moment, looking out at the nighttime vista and feeling a pang for something he hadn\'t expected.

"Would be beautiful with the sunrise," Ben commented, thinking of the way the sun would streak the sky all manner of bright colours before it peeked over the horizon.  He turned to look at Kerr then and sat down on the designated seat, positioned on a slight twist so that he was facing more toward his sire.

[Existentially Odd]

The comment about the daylight - coming so close on the heels of his ill-fated discussion about the sun with Mandy the night before - had Kerr frowning slightly as he cast a wary look at Ben.  "I\'ve seen the beginnings of it a couple of times," he murmured, wondering if he was revealing too much by stating that he\'d been so morose over their broken relationship that he\'d allowed himself to remain in harm\'s way by staying here, on this very couch, until the sun began to streak the distant sky and shade it poetically.  "It is beautiful."

Seeing his love beside him, in this new setting, was surreal.  This house had augured a new chapter in his life, one he\'d approached reluctantly but independently and to see it merge with his former... well, it didn\'t seem right.  It allowed him an objective view of Ben, in some ways, for he sat there looking young and as uncertain as he felt, but more beautiful because he was being seen through eyes that had been forcibly closed to him and were now allowed to open once more.

Confidently, Kerr reached over and gripped Ben\'s thigh, giving it a squeeze as he smiled at him.  There was an instant where he questioned himself, where that move didn\'t feel right because he\'d done a lot of damage control, attempting for weeks now to convince himself that Ben wasn\'t his.  Did he have the right to touch?  For the first time, he wanted to, and the images of Ben\'s experiences with Ichabod weren\'t flashing torturously through his mind, so contact with his lover didn\'t turn his stomach.  He wouldn\'t push either of them and he expected Ben would let him know if he overstepped the mark.

"You\'re precious," he said simply, looking sincerely into Ben\'s eyes.  Conversation was awkward - it was like they really didn\'t know each other, or they\'d got lost and were somehow crawling laboriously up a ragged cliff while being tied together, neither brave enough to make any strong moves without the other\'s consent - but he wanted to talk.  He just didn\'t know how, or what to say.  Well... that wasn\'t strictly true.  He did know what he wanted to say; he wanted to order Ben to tell him what had happened with Declan and Lazarus, now that he believed he\'d survived the after-effects of those two influences, but would that make things better or worse?

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t think anything of Kerr being able to see the sun streaking the sky, thinking that it was due to the fact he had no electronic shutters here (which prevented Ben from seeing any natural light whatsoever because of the unconditional timing of the shutters back at the penthouse) and it was very likely Kerr\'s bedroom was nearby.  Had he known of his sire\'s cause to sprint to safety more than once, he would\'ve been horrified.

With Kerr\'s hand on his leg, Ben felt a gushing sense of relief that his sire was still able to give him a touch, no matter how small.  As for Ben, he would\'ve allowed every touch Kerr thought to give, would\'ve collapsed into his arms, would\'ve been intimate with him right away.  It wasn\'t that Ben that was feeling out of odds with Kerr, it was the fact he knew he was out of favour with Kerr.  It was enough to gain a smile, but the precious remark froze it on his lips with confusion stamped in his eyes.  What did that mean, to be precious?  Was it good?  He\'d thought using such a word was good but it made no sense in context.

"What do you mean?" he had to ask while tilting his head, feeling like he was backhanding a compliment and hoping he wasn\'t.

[Existentially Odd]

"You\'re precious to me," the sire clarified wryly, having decided he didn\'t need to be so obvious, only to find he did.  It was typical that they were questioning everything the other said, but somewhat annoying as well.  He would have to keep it in mind, anyway.  "I\'ve missed you," he admitted, "and it\'s only seeing you here, now, that makes me aware of how much of a chasm separates us, but how badly I want to bridge it."

He removed his hand, dropping it into his lap with his other, where his fingers played about gently.  He was turned to face Ben just slightly as well, so he had one knee between them but that wasn\'t indicative of the way he felt; he really did want nothing to stand in the middle any more.  "I don\'t... think... it\'s me that needs to be building the bridge, though," he continued slowly, his expression showing his mixed feelings about even hinting at what he wanted to know - and his regret that he was commanding Ben to make the first moves (but could it go any other way?).  "I think it will have to be you who... takes the first steps towards that."

Kerr fell quiet, gnawing nervously on his tongue stud as he looked shyly over at Ben through his lashes, hoping he was understood and that his fledgling wouldn\'t be offended by the invitation to follow through on his promises that there\'d be no more secrets.  Even though he\'d made that vow, Kerr hadn\'t been ready to listen and now that he was... well, Ben might not be ready to talk.  One thing he did know was that there was something branching across the chasm he\'d described; it was a tightrope, and he felt he was on it.

[Trillian]

A tiny smile came forth at the clarification before it disappeared when Kerr told him there was a chasm that needed to be bridged.  It sounded like Kerr thought he was so far away from Ben, that there was an almost impossible distance between them now.  Trust, a betrayal of trust.  How to fix that other than being patient?

"But how?" Ben blurted out.  "How do I fix this?  You know I\'d do anything to have you back," he admitted, his gaze and his heart keen  but at a loss.  Ben had reached his right hand up onto the back of the couch and was gripping the fabric there, worrying it with his fingers.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr swallowed, the nervousness leaking out of his mouth, down his throat and into his stomach now.  God, this was excruciating.

"Well... I think you talk.  I\'m... ready to listen, now and... I suppose I want to know what... happened."  His mouth closed again and he couldn\'t bring himself to say \'with Declan\' because he didn\'t want to dictate where Ben started.  That should be his choice alone, and something Kerr felt was owed to the transgressor.

He hadn\'t had many privileges up to this point, after all, considering Kerr had taken the tale from his mind and, as he\'d complained, given him no chance to explain in his own way.  This was his chance.  "In your words," he added, to make that point clear.

[Trillian]

There was still miscommunication as Ben stared at Kerr regarding his request.  Kerr wanted details?  On how things had happened with Ichabod?  At first he frowned down at the single hand on his own lap before looking at the two in Kerr\'s, and then began.

"I was downstairs and on the street.  I don\'t remember what for anymore.  I caught sight of him near the mouth of an alley having a cigarette and all these feelings of anger and mostly hurt pride came rushing back at the sight of him," he began.

[Existentially Odd]

"Ben," Kerr interrupted gently, instinctively reaching over to grip his leg once more, "I know about Ichabod.  I took all that from you and I\'ve gone over it a million times already.  I... don\'t actually think that\'s where your trouble started," he hinted, staring at his lover with compassion.

He didn\'t want to be the one to say Declan\'s name - or Lazarus\', if that was the way Ben decided to go first - but he was pretty sure Ben would understand what he was getting at now, without him being blatant.  He hoped that it made the asking easier for Ben to bear, but couldn\'t be sure.

[Trillian]

Ben understood immediately upon Kerr clarifying the starting point of his problems.  His body tensed and his face seemed to shutter like he was going to close off but instead of shrinking away intellectually, he made himself face things instead.

"Declan," he said, breathing the name softly with only breath and not the sound of his voice.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded mutely, rubbing his tongue stud nervously against the roof of his mouth as he watched his lover.  The closed-off aspect to his countenance wasn\'t reassuring, but the fact that he managed to say the name was - in an odd way.

The silence hung for a few moments, aching between them, broken only by the soft shuffle of his fingers upon Ben\'s pants, skin scraping material in a way that was magnified and loud to supernatural hearing - especially when there was no breath or beating heart to obstruct it.  There was just them, and the noises they forced their bodies to make, with no automated, reflexive instincts to interfere.

"I... uh... well, do you... um... was what you did to... Ichabod... what he did to you?  Or am I assuming incorrectly?" the Irishman offered tentatively, wondering if his prompting was aggravating or whether he was.  Part of him was determined that he had a right to know this stuff, because he felt it important in the scheme of things; a smaller part wanted simply to forget it so that they could make up and ignore all this stuff.  It was too painful.

[Trillian]

Ben was silent for a long time in the face of Kerr\'s awkwardly asked question.  Eventually he nodded, though it was once and it was slight.  Not easily missed by someone who was watching carefully however, and it was enough of an admission for Ben to start with something else.

"He told me he would never rape me, that anything we did I would do willing."  Ben gave a half shrug and looked away from Kerr in order to look at the coffee table instead.  "He...

broke me
broke my will
owned me
had me any way he wanted me
and every way too

"I wasn\'t..." Ben frowned to himself, "...strong against him.  I thought I was in control of what I gave and what I would gain but he played me.  He told me once I was selfish and manipulative and I turned it back on him.  He said he knew he was but that I denied such a thing of myself."  Ben lowered his gaze so that his eyes were almost closed.  "I guess he was right."

Declan still held much power over Ben, it was plain to see (though not to Ben directly, who believed he was out of the redhead\'s sphere of influence).  Ben\'s self worth had been an obvious target.