Aware

[Existentially Odd]

After they left his beachside home, Kerr found it easier to concentrate on Ben and worry less about Mandy.  The consequences of his actions this night would be felt for a long time to come, he believed (though he had no idea of the profound changes his friend had already undergone, which would last longer even than he could fathom), and it was no good fretting endlessly over them.

Especially not when he and Ben were spending what could only be described as \'quality time\' together.  Once they got back to the apartment, there didn\'t seem to be any more to say, but the silence was comfortable enough.  The tension of uncertainty was still between them, but lessened by the frank discussion they\'d had earlie that night, and by Ben\'s openness.

They made their way into the bedroom and Kerr decided he needed a shower.  More than that, though... he needed to be cleansed.  He asked Ben if he felt like one and was given an affirmative answer - along with a look Kerr interpreted as yearning but which he shied from.  Still, he took Ben into the shower with him, feeling soothed by the proximity and occasionally leaning against his fledgling when replacing the soap or rinsing off or simly because he had he urge to press his forehead to his bare shoulder.

The melancholy mood didn\'t abate when they were finished and dry; it simply went with them into the bed.  Kerr opened his arms to Ben, as promised, and he held him in contemplative silence, his lips pressed to the crown of his blonde head.  He slid down, preparing to sleep as the shutters dropped, his head still full of possibilities and painful memories - enough that he didn\'t even contemplate leaving.  There was still much to be resolved.

When he awoke, however, on the other side of his second full day\'s sleep in months, he felt different.  More positive... and aware.  Aware that he was entwined, naked, with Ben in their bed, aware that he had a fledgling pressed against him whom he needed to train and help to sort out all of his issues, aware that none of it seemed half as important as cupping Ben\'s face and kissing him.

It was strange and electrifying at the same time, and he examined these thoughts and feelings as he waited for Ben to awaken, wanting to interact with him again, and keep their relationship\'s forward momentum going.

[Trillian]

When Ben awoke to the kiss, his lips pulled into a smile and then his eyelids fluttered open after a short moment, finding Kerr near, kissing him back.  Last night had been a dream, strange but wonderful, which had led to this moment.  For the first time in ages he felt together again, complete.  Kerr finished him nicely, like the varnish and polish on a raw bit of furniture.

"Will you hunt with me?" Ben asked softly, not thinking about the consequences of his words.  Such a request might spoil the mood between them but he wasn\'t feeling self-conscious at all.  Warm and happy at last, he snuggled and pecked, waiting for his answer which he was expecting to be in the positive.  As a fledgling he was hungry, and the animal blood in the fridge was beginning to grow distasteful.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled and nodded, pulling back and resting his head atop his pillow in order to watch Ben.  "I will; I think it\'s a good idea if we make a habit of it, in fact, don\'t you?  Just in case you feel... any urges to dominate someone?"

He said it kindly and it sounded like a question, but as the words left his lips, Kerr knew it wasn\'t.  It was a condition of their reunion; Ben would have to have him nearby whenever he hunted because there wasn\'t enough trust left in him to allow the fledgling carte blanche.

If they were going to be a couple again, they would hunt and train together, as they always should have been.  No more independence.

[Trillian]

Ben grinned until the latter part of Kerr\'s answer came out and he realised what it was his sire was alluding to.  His smile faded and he lowered his gaze, both ashamed and resentful of being reminded of his actions so early on in the night.  What else was Kerr supposed to think though, considering Ben\'s actions and the things he\'d divulged.

"That\'s a good idea," he mumbled, feeling suddenly tense and awkward.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s lips twisted as he picked up on Ben\'s unhappiness but, to the teenager\'s credit, he didn\'t argue or pout, he agreed calmly - despite the way he felt.  The desire to relent was strong but there was no way the sire was taking back those words, though; the condition was inescapable.

He could try to make them easier to bear, however, and so he followed that instinct and swarmed around Ben, manipulating him like a little girl positions her dollies the way she likes them.  He turned Ben onto his side so that he could spoon him, his larger body wrapped around so that he could lean down and speak into his fledgling\'s ear.

"Besides... I miss hunting with you.  It was always much more fun when it was the two of us," he said huskily, gripping Ben\'s hip as he deliberately nudged his groin into his ass, recalling the fun they\'d had at first, when they were newly paired.

Kerr had drunk from Ben and ground erotically against him while the fledgling fed from the victim his sire had supplied.  Then they\'d traded blood, to enhance their bond.  He nuzzled Ben\'s throat, thinking that it had a been a long time since many things had happened between them.

[Trillian]

It was surprising to be manipulated so easily, he didn\'t think to struggle though he could feel his coiled muscles due to his confusion - though being stiff gave Kerr no problems in turning him about and holding him.  The difference in their physical makeup (due to age) was astonishing.  Once more surprise registered as Kerr made himself felt and Ben\'s confusion was overrun with a sensation of thrill and wonder before it approached caution.  He was second-guessing everything, he knew it, he had to learn to enjoy such things.

How much had Kerr decided to take Ben back anyway?  Hadn\'t he said to Mandy that he wasn\'t sure how things would work out?  Didn\'t that mean that things were supposed to be taken slowly?

"It was good," he said, trying to focus only on the here and now because it was what he wanted, what he needed.  Shivers travelled throughout his body with anticipation and hope that possibly more physical interaction would evolve between them.

[Existentially Odd]

"Mmmm," he growled, his voice rolling around inside the depths of his throat like a lion\'s purr might.

Kerr was warming to Ben in very obvious ways, his body responding to the feeling of being so close, memories of heated lovemaking sessions prevalent as he started suckling on the blonde\'s earlobe and his hands trailed over his thigh and up his side.  He wanted to turn Ben\'s head and kiss him deeply, then maybe roll him over and pin him down.

The vision was strong, the urge was growing and he released Ben\'s ear from his mouth so that he could follow through... and that was exactly the moment Ichabod flashed into his head.  Ichabod on his knees, while Ben watched him sucking with a curiously detached satisfaction and horror.  Kerr froze, sent cold by the memory and struggling to push it out of his mind\'s eye, reclaim the growing passion.

It was already gone, however, and his body was calming accordingly as he flopped back onto the bed, mostly on his back and some distance now between he and Ben.  He toyed with his hair, resisting the urge to cover his eyes with his hand by fretting at a few dark strands and scowling up at the ceiling.  He didn\'t know who he was madder at; Ben for ruining them like this or himself, for letting it happen.

"Sorry," he said, deciding he\'d better tell Ben the truth, as it was expected to happen the other way.  "I thought of something I shouldn\'t have and... sorry."  He would know, Kerr was sure, exactly what he\'d thought of; it didn\'t need to be stated, it would turn everything ugly then.

[Trillian]

Ben was just starting to get warmed up, allowing his hopes to surface and being caught in the moment when Kerr tensed for a moment before pulling away.  Ben frowned but didn\'t make a sound, waiting for the explanation he knew was bound to come.  When Kerr said what he said it wasn\'t hard to understand what it was he\'d thought of to make him pull away like that, and suddenly Ben felt more isolated and alone than ever.

"It\'s okay," he mumbled, knowing that it was his own fault there was this odd tension between them.  He\'d looked at Kerr differently after he\'d walked in on him and Ichabod having sex after all, and they hadn\'t even been together then.

My fault anyway, Ben thought, meaning to block it but only halfheartedly for all his attempts not to hide.

[Existentially Odd]

The despair of the admission just about broke Kerr\'s heart anew when it came softly to him, and he turned his head to regard Ben forlornly.  He was facing his lover\'s back and he lifted his hand to graze the backs of his fingers up and down in as consoling a gesture as he was able.  The ridges of the scar Declan had once cut into a mortal\'s innocent flesh caused his digits to undulate as he stroked, catching his attention.

It was ironic, really, and drew a sneer from him.  He also stopped rubbing Ben\'s back and rolled forward once more, to embrace him firmly from behind (it was a determined hold, though, without the burgeoning passion that had begun to define their contact just a short while ago).

"I really don\'t believe it\'s all your fault," Kerr asserted passionately, pressing his lips to Ben\'s cheek to speak.  "You\'re a product of evil - and an unwilling one at that!  I think Declan\'s influence has been greater than you give it credit for.  I truly believe that.  I love you and I want to believe it, yes, but the facts seem undeniable, to me.  We\'ll get through this," he whispered, squeezing Ben and hissing his mantra out into the universe.

With all his heart, he wanted to get through this, to overcome the graphic images that seemed determined to surface in his brain whenever he was feeling close to Ben.  He wanted to go back to the way they\'d been when they\'d first got together, to hunting as a team and sharing everything.  Probably the best times were before they were lovers, in fact, when Ben was recuperating from Lazarus\' influence and there was nothing but hope and honesty between them.  They needed to recapture that and relive it; no intimacy until everything was laid bare, that seemed a reasonable proposition.

No, no... want him
Love him
Need him

Yes, but... to keep him... ?

Must keep him... have him
Love him.

[Trillian]

Ben let himself be comforted by the words, letting them cover him with warmth and love like a blanket.  He might not believe it with as much conviction that Kerr did, but despite this fact he was glad that Kerr did.  Maybe Kerr was right and maybe he was right, they couldn\'t really know and it didn\'t matter, as long as his sire, his lover and friend, didn\'t want to abandon him and wanted to give him a second chance, he would take it.

"I love you," he whispered, aware of the pain such an emotion caused him as well as the strength to deal with it.  Was it too early to say such things again?  He didn\'t feel awkward saying it so therefore he\'d said it.  He would say it a million times over if he thought it would help.

Soon, they would hunt together.  But right now he was content to remain in Kerr\'s arms.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr pressed a kiss to his fledgling\'s cheek, secretly relieved and soothed by his returned proclamation of love - even though he hadn\'t declared it plainly, as Ben had.  It was a relief that such things could still pass between them, with an honesty that meant the sentiment was as untainted as the words were.

After a bit of nuzzling and a few more squeezes, Kerr instigated their departure from the bed, going to the wardrobe to see what clothes he\'d left himself to wear.  He managed to find a pair of pale blue jeans and a yellow polo shirt but both were a little faded and clung fairly snugly to him.  He was bemused by his \'dressed-down\' appearance and told Ben that he hoped he wasn\'t planning on hunting anywhere upmarket, or he\'d be rejected.  He complimented Ben\'s outfit, smiling as he told his lover how handsome he found him to be.

Once he had his sneakers on, they left the apartment together, Kerr feeling nervous for some odd reason.  He was determined to let Ben initiate, to see what sorts of choices he made, and also to keep his hands to himself.  He looked like someone watching a football game leaning against a fence as he slouched against the elevator\'s wall with his fists shoved into the front pockets of his jeans and one ankle crossed over the other, smiling if ever he felt the weight of perusal.

When they exited the Capital Building, they seemed to mutually agree to turn left without discussion, and trail at a comfortable pace down the sidewalk.  Kerr broke the silence first, his head dropping back between his shoulders at an oddly lazy angle before turning, so that he could look at Ben.  "You going to choose your own victims?" he enquired quietly, though no-one was passing them at that exact moment.

[Trillian]

This question seemed to come out of nowhere for Ben had been expecting Kerr to dominate some people over to them and therefore he would pull whoever he saw fit.  Analysing Kerr\'s question had Ben guessing that maybe this was some kind of test, but he didn\'t know exactly what for because there were many possibilities.  Maybe it wasn\'t a test at all and he was just paranoid.  He had to trust Kerr.  He had to be honest.

Open and honest.
Yes.

"I thought you were going to pull them over," he said, watching Kerr warily.  "I don\'t think you\'d like how I attract them."

Now why the hell would he go and say that for?  Hadn\'t he told Kerr already that he pretended to be a boy-whore just inside the lip of an alley, and fed off those who wished to be his customers?  It didn\'t seem like something he would\'ve told Kerr, but it was possible.  He didn\'t know what he\'d kept secret from his sire and what he hadn\'t.  That wasn\'t a good sign, but they were fixing that now, right?

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s look of wary startlement at the phrase Ben used would have told the fledgling immediately that he\'d given new information to his sire.  To his credit, he did give it some thought but no, Ben had never implied that he hunted in any sort of extraordinary manner.  Yes, he liked to hunt alone and he might have intimated there was a reason for it, but he\'d never blatantly stated it was something Kerr would dislike.  There was only one thing to say, following a statement like that.

"How do you hunt?"

[Trillian]

Ben was all eyes at Kerr, watching his expression and feeling conflicted about the way Kerr reacted.  When the question came, he knew it was time to prove his honesty, so gave his answer bluntly while looking directly ahead, not wishing to lose confidence in his explanation by allowing his gaze on Kerr\'s face (where he knew he would falter).

"I go to the edge of the Quarter," he said, talking about the slums that were many number of blocks away but still convenient enough to walk to.  "You get a lot of guys trolling to pick up whores or whatever, but they don\'t like going all the way in so I stay in the outer blocks.  I hang around just inside the mouth of an alley and pretend like I\'m... uh, available."  He shrugged, unsure how to describe his slouching against the brick wall and eyeing off cars as anything except looking \'available\'.  "They usually come to me with money or a question about something specific I\'ll do or what I\'ll let them do.  I always say yes because it never gets that far, we just go further into the alley and I\'d drink from them.  I never took the money, I don\'t know why, I just... didn\'t."

He was too worried to look at Kerr now that he knew.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr swallowed, hoping his expression didn\'t look as bad as his brain told him it  likely did.  He felt like he\'d been kicked in the gut or... no, more like a giant fist had reached down through his throat to squeeze his heart, upon hearing the news that the man he loved lured his victims to him by acting like a whore and allowing them to proposition him.

Logically, Kerr knew Ben didn\'t do anything about such sibilant requests but... the imagery of having Ichabod doing something... well, akin... had him faltering.  Literally.  It was like his legs suddenly stopped working and he fell a step behind Ben, who wasn\'t ready for him to come to a dead stop.  Awkwardly, he then lurched towards the nearest building, his head swimming and needing that extra support to steady him.

Oh God...
a whore, he acted like
My God
a whore

Setting his backside against the bricks, Kerr\'s hands went to his waist and he looked down at his splayed feet, like a jogger who has run too far and needs to stop to get his breath back.  He didn\'t feel right about looking up just yet, though he could sense the weight of Ben\'s observation and his trepidation.  He had to say something.

"I\'m... sorry," he eventually managed, forcing himself to look up and offer an attempt at a smile to reassure his fledgling.  It wasn\'t reassuring, though, it was a travesty.  "I just... didn\'t expect... that.  You should... I... we should be working on your mental abilities.  You\'re good.  Gifted.  You\'d pick up planting a suggestion in no time.  We should\'ve worked on that before," he winced, then straightened up, lifting his head and throwing his shoulders back, though his rear still rested against the wall.

He was acting like that same jogger steeling himself for the continuation of his marathon, his words staccato, like he didn\'t have the time to expand.  "We will now.  I mean; we\'re hunting together now, so I\'ll help, but... you need to learn.  It\'s a defense, too.  You never know what you\'ll run into in that Quarter.  It\'s dangerous.  Better for you to stay where it\'s safe and know... proper techniques," the sire extolled, nodding to himself.  It was possible that he was now talking too much.