Blindsided

[Trillian]

HE COULDN\'T KEEP THE truth of what had happened during the counselling session to himself much longer without risking Kerr\'s tentative trust.  It wasn\'t so much that he wanted to keep it a secret; he knew his life (or unlife, though it had felt more like living than dying) would change dramatically once Kerr knew.  There would be no more lighthearted parties, no more attempts at explaining or justifying his unusual behaviour to an unfortunate event in his past.  There was a much deeper, much darker explanation for everything - something much worse, something that he didn\'t know how to undo, how to separate from himself.  It was both a tragedy and a relief, for now he knew he wasn\'t unwell, that he wasn\'t mentally unstable.  There was something inside of him, driving him, and it wasn\'t a part of him - it was foreign, alien... demonic?  It was something, and it wasn\'t him.

The night air had been fresh with a crisp wind, bringing upon it a smell of trees and flowers that had no business being there.  Of course it was underneath the city\'s smoggy air, but he could sense it anyway with his heightened smell as the car sped towards the apartment with Kerr at the wheel.  He\'d spoken a little, mostly about the party, some of it about what they could do once they arrived home, peppered in between some of the comments were questions and a few concerned glances that Ben figured he was supposed to miss but he\'d seen them anyway, that glancing sideways look which reminded him of how Kerr had been after he\'d been delivered to him through Lazarus (to use the phrase liberally, for it had been a taking more than a delivery, though Ben\'s path had been clear to him at the time).  Kerr had lapsed into silence when Ben had answered one of his question \'what do you think we should do when we get home?\' with a very simple statement; \'we should talk\'.

The night was far too clear for such a dark confession.  The city lights were bright and sparkling through the plate glass windows, beautiful sculptures of architectural prowess standing tall beneath Ben\'s feet as he stared out from the window\'s edge.  Capital Building was one of the tallest and he was at almost the highest point within it.  He could feel Kerr behind him and closed his eyes for a long moment, with a much longer absence of arms than he expected to the point where he was forced to open his eyes and turn around to see Kerr still a distance away.  There was a disappointment welling in him at that, but Kerr couldn\'t have known he\'d wanted an embrace - it was Ben\'s own fault, he\'d taught his sire to give him space, and now that he had it he wanted to be close.

Never happy, Ben.

Was that his voice or the thing within him?  He doubted himself more and more now.  His thoughts had always been his own, had always belonged to him, and now they might belong to someone else, someone who had stolen into his body and was... doing something... or waiting for something.  A spike of terror lit his heart and he had to close his eyes again lest he give himself away to Kerr before he could get the story out.

"Something happened," he began, and after he believed he\'d had control of himself once more, so that he could open his eyes and look steady at Kerr, at the man he loved, at the one who\'d created him and shared his blood with him, his soul, he completed his thought.  "At the clinic, something happened, so that I know there\'s something...

evil

dark... inside of me."

no, don\'t want to call it evil
don\'t want to

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr, who\'d been on tenterhooks ever since Ben had announced they should \'talk\', was somewhat relieved to hear the confession... but also angered.  He\'d known that something hadn\'t been... right when he\'d taken Ben away from Jonah\'s office, but his questioning had borne no fruit and so he\'d decided that he wasn\'t seeing what he thought he was seeing (Ben hiding something), wasn\'t hearing something that hadn\'t been stated aloud (Ben explaining the appointment blow by blow) and had dropped the subject, not wanting to cause a fight or appear to mistrust his love.

Now he found out his instincts had been spot on and, after that initial irritation had passed, he was left deflated.  Disappointed.  Despairing.  Things he didn\'t want to be feeling now, when they were getting so much better at being normal.

Still, those feelings had welled and the auguring of them had kept him in the main room where Ben was staring out the windows, rather than going into the bedroom, sensing that something important was about to be said; this would\'ve been among his top few guesses, had he been a betting man (but still, the vindication was bitterness, not triumph).  He\'d removed his jacket and laid it on the back of the couch closest to the door, before his tie had followed and he\'d begun strolling slowly through the lounge, kicking off his shoes messily and undoing the buttons on his cotton shirt.

He\'d come to rest with his shirt flaring open, untucked entirely from his loosened and unbelted pants.  He slouched over feet that stretched out before him and crossed meticulously, toes wriggling within the darkly coloured socks as he gave the statement some thought.  His long fingers gripped the couch that he was sitting on lightly, brushing as if he needed to feel the comforting familiarity of the fabric beneath his fingertips.   "I see," he eventually said, knowing it was inadequate but struggling to find more to say.

He was terrified of what else there was to come, but also desperate to know; it was a terribly conflicted state of being and he resented being put back here.  Kerr folded his arms over his chest and looked steadily into Ben\'s beautiful, eerie eyes.  "What happened?" he asked succinctly, needing more details before his emotions got the better of him.

[Trillian]

He could clearly see how upset Kerr was with him but this time his reason for keeping Kerr uninformed wasn\'t as sinister as before, though just as selfish.  Lowering his gaze for a moment, he lifted it before he told Kerr, almost in one breath, what had happened.  It wasn\'t like he needed to take more air in for himself, just for his words.

"The doc had something he thought would help me.  It was some kind of... protective item.  A necklace.  We went to the storage room," ah, but what to say about that impossibly sized storage room? best to skip it completely, "and he found it in a filing cabinet.  When I put it on, he says I passed out, but I didn\'t just pass out."  Here he paused but didn\'t draw in breath, merely he cast his gaze sideways to recount the conversation he had been turning over and over in his head.  "I fell into a blackness, a darkness, and there was someone else in there with me.  I was thinking to myself nothing in particular, and I was chastised for messing with things I didn\'t understand.  It wasn\'t my own voice, the voice in my head when I think things to myself, it was... different, deeper and older.  I confronted him, asked who he was, and he was surprised that I\'d heard him outright, as though I usually don\'t.  He told me I knew plenty yet I knew little.  He told me he was ancient, \'far older than I could ever understand\' he said.  I asked him why he chose me and he said he didn\'t.  I asked him how he got inside of me and he told me I was clever enough to figure it out myself."  Here he took a shallow breath.  "The doc ripped the necklace off me at that stage, and I woke up.  I didn\'t tell him what happened, I thought it would be, uh, better to keep it to myself so he wouldn\'t give me more things to put on.  I guess I was scared."  Ben shook his head.  "I hope you understand why I didn\'t tell you right away," he said after a pause, "because I wanted to be normal.  I just, I wanted to be normal for a little bit longer."  His throat was squeezing shut and his chest was pulling tight.  He wanted to swallow but figured it would only lead to a cough or even a coughing (crying) fit.  He stared instead, looking at Kerr and trying to decipher his expression.

So now here it was in the open, the short version of the tale regurgitated between them.  It occured to Ben that at one stage he\'d stopped thinking of the voice inside of him as \'it\' and started identifying it as \'he\' and \'him\'.

[Existentially Odd]

Since he\'d been forced to endure everything with Ben, the one thing Kerr had come away with was a better \'poker face\'; now, his expression was merely a slight frown and his right hand had snuck up to rub his beard, cheek and head ruminatively, right elbow resting on the arm wrapped across his body, for leverage.  He\'d been given a lot to think about but he really was having trouble getting to it, because his own inner voice kept piping up to have a say.

Fucking normal?  Is he kidding?
I see where he\'s coming from -
Yeah, keeping secrets again
Not even telling Jonah!  What the fuck did he go there for, then?
scared, scared, scared
He\'s young
But apparently what\'s in him isn\'t... and he hopes you understand
Christ
Something\'s in you, for real?
A voice
We have to get hold of that necklace again
Unless he knows
Probably fucking does
Don\'t be like that
Don\'t be like that... fucking hell, why not?  Too much trust didn\'t get me far last t-
Well, it wasn\'t him, clearly was it?
...
A voice
Pfft

"So... have you come to any conclusions about who or what the voice belongs to?" Kerr asked calmly, his voice steady and his expression only betraying mild curiosity, despite the turmoil within him.  They could\'ve been talking about the weather, for all the passion lacking in the Irishman\'s tone, mostly due to the fact that

you don\'t believe him
don\'t trust
can\'t trust
want to believe
can\'t, so quickly

he was still drawing his thoughts apart slowly, trying to decide where he came down on the matter of a \'voice\' living inside his boyfriend\'s messed up head... and something small and wounded curled up and cried inside him.

[Trillian]

The flat way Kerr asked the question wounded Ben far deeper than he cared to admit to himself and so he retreated emotionally and lowered his gaze, this time keeping his stare glued to the carpet instead of on his sire\'s face.

"No," he replied, his response missing the timbre his voice had held just a moment ago.  He was collecting himself, getting with the program as some might say, he\'d felt the constriction of tears and now he was dealing with it because he hated crying.  He really fucking hated crying.

He waited for his next question from Kerr, feeling helpless and frustrated.  His sire\'s apparent lack of concern told him a great deal more than anything he could\'ve said.  The fact Kerr was just standing there

you taught him to do that
you taught him to give you space
he never used to be so cold
until you
really Ben?
how well do you know him anyway?

The last two thoughts gave him pause.  This was a man that had lived centuries with a mentally unstable child vampire.  From one mentally unstable child vampire to the next, right Kerr?  His eyebrows lifted at that, rather a cruel thing to think, but it was true.  He\'d not known Kerr for very long, a blip in the radar of Kerr\'s age in fact.  What was Ben to him after all, other than a half-created fledgling shared with a vampire who had shared Ben\'s bed?  What the hell had he been thinking anyway, bouncing to Arles and doing what he\'d done with him?  Rebound extraordinaire.  This was the Ben that Kerr had eventually let into his heart; the loser.  What did that say about Kerr?

He looked at his sire again now that he felt he had the upper hand, and his expression was strong.

[Existentially Odd]

Seeing Ben\'s demeanour shift unnerved Kerr and stirred his previous theories about multiple personality syndrome... that only made him more uneasy and his indifferent mask slipped into a frown of consternation.  His right hand toyed thoughtfully with his lower lip, tongue undulating in an effort to flex the stud within it.  He\'d anticipated this moment, had expected it... once.  Then he\'d begun dragging his fledgling to doctor after doctor, seeking a more rational explanation instead and had forgotten to look for it.

Now, it seemed, his instincts had been mostly correct after all.  There was no triumph to such a realisation, however.

"Do you still hear me, Ben?" he prompted suddenly, seriously.  He decided it was time he took a gamble, otherwise he would never know what he was dealing with.  The thought that Ben could yet be setting him up was at the back of his mind but a little faith now was necessary (and certainly wouldn\'t go astray).  "Because you just... changed, right in front of me.  Did he take over, is that it?"

[Trillian]

The next question had his eyebrows raising once more, slowly they lifted as he wondered what Kerr was up to.

"Nobody--" he began, then cut himself off.

took me over, he was about to say, but was that what this was?  He could feel anger welling up inside him, wanting to surface.  Rage and violence a liquid in his chest, flipping and pounding much like the ocean\'s surf.  It was a physical thing, the same thing that had him sitting calmly in Jonah\'s office and telling him he wanted to slash him with a letter opener, to describe how strangely he was feeling.  He could control the rage, but...

"If this is what it is, it\'s not a taking over in the traditional sense," he said, his gaze still strong but now he was pensive.  A more confident Ben was the result for he was angry enough not to be insecure.  "It\'s... I\'m..." he struggled with how to describe what he was feeling.  "Pissed off."  Eh, that didn\'t even touch the surface of his rage, but at least it was giving Kerr an idea.

[Existentially Odd]

The sire watched his fledgling steadily, opening himself up to the younger\'s emotions, seeking a clue to decide what level of truth he was being given.  It was not an easy thing to do, for he\'d been deliberately blocking Ben\'s thoughts and emotions for so long (even after he came back, the wall had remained as protection for both of them... beneath the guise of respect though, of course) that it was a conscious manoeuvre to reconnect with such things.

That curled up, crying part of him was not soothed by how hard it was to open himself up to receiving Ben\'s vibrations again, but it became clear that the blonde was, indeed, pissed off.  The confirmation caused Kerr\'s frown to deepen, as he wasn\'t sure what had triggered such strong emotion... he had a notion that triggers might be important, because if there truly was an entity inside Ben, its emergence was triggered by something.  If Ben was being truthful, in fact (and Kerr could see the evidence emerging unsettlingly before his eyes), this entity periodically dominated his person and had been responsible for terrorising Ichabod.  Not Ben.

That was as much a relief as it was terrifying.

"What pissed you off?  Me?" he prompted mildly (despite the frown, he was keeping his tone calm and even).  "What did I do to piss you off, honey?"  The endearment was deliberate inclusion, something he didn\'t say often but had (certainly not in months) peppered throughout their early, whirlwind-love days together.  Especially in Europe.  He wasn\'t sure he felt at all intimate with whatever stood in front of him, but he wanted to provoke a reaction one way or the other.

[Trillian]

He was about to say yes, he even lifted his head a little to begin a quick nod while answering.  Kerr had pissed him off, and he was going to offer a suggestion as to how while also asserting the fact it was unreasonable fury.

Then Kerr spoke again and it gave him pause.  The \'honey\' didn\'t roll off Kerr\'s tongue as freely as it had in previous times, to the point that Ben noticed the term of endearment.  Every other time it had been accepted, he\'d been aware of it but had never thought to pay attention to it, like he was now.  He considered its use, struggling to understand the reason for it being there at a time like this, said with an expression like that.  It sparked a new surge of anger.

"Stop!" he ordered, a hand rising a short way up with fingers splayed out.  It wasn\'t high enough for Kerr to see the palm, but the action was enough to get Ben\'s intentions.  "I\'m trying to explain things to you and you\'re playing fucking mind games."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr took the accusation with equanimity, wincing at the sudden burst of volume and hanging his head humbly.  Philosophically, he knew Ben\'s words to be true, so he wouldn\'t deny it, but the simple fact that \'fucking\' crept into the sentence confirmed for him that he was scoring a point... and it did seem to be with someone other than his lover, for Ben didn\'t use such language freely (that was his role).

Unless, of course, he\'d deeply upset his fledgling and he\'d lost control of his emotions to the point where cursing was par for the course.  He figured it was time he backed off a little, either way.

"I\'m sorry," he said sincerely, looking up at Ben through his lashes in an utterly contrite manner, dropping his hand so that both were gently gripping the top of the sofa he was slouched upon.  His right hand was only there for one good squeeze before it lifted again and he spoke, his eloquent fingers describing an encouraging roll in the air between he and his love (or he and whatever was inside his love, if that were to be the case).  "Please.  Explain.  I\'ll try not to... piss you off... again."

His hand dropped back to the couch again and he watched Ben from the same respectful posturing, head tilted and eyes half-averted.  Theoretically, this would soothe his love\'s

the voice\'s

ire and things would continue calmly.

[Trillian]

Ben regarded Kerr for another moment once the lines of acquiesence were delivered, trying to decide if they were more manipulation or if it was truth.  After a short time passed, Ben nodded once and continued with his conversation, though on a tangent.

"It would be better to play things by ear," he said, "to use instinct.  I don\'t think this is the kind of thing a logical solution will help.  We\'ve got to go back and... uh..."

He hesitated, frowning.  What had been his point?

"It makes sense to narrow down how the connection was made," he said after a moment, figuring this must\'ve been what he\'d been about to say, though he knew within himself it wasn\'t.  It was like knowing a word existed that needed being said, but was unable to connect to his tongue, only to the nth degree.  "I um."

I\'m sorry for my outburst
maybe I\'m under stress
sorry

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was doing just fine, remaining analytical and distanced when Ben first continued speaking, noting every nuance, hearing the uncertainty in every hesitation like he heard aerated honey and gold in classical music; there was a rich and ambient blend suddenly obvious in Ben\'s voice (now that he had the focus to listen for it).  Where before his fledgling spoke like hot, freshly drawn blood, now there was a spice mixed into it... something subtle and perfectly blended, smooth enough that initial - and even repeated - ingestion yielded nothing different until it was announced there was something more to be found within, some other reason to let the ambrosia sit upon one\'s tongue a moment longer than was necessary, so it would become clear.

Then Ben spoke to him mentally, apologised for being upset and confused, and Kerr was completely undone.  He couldn\'t be calculating when he knew this to be the real Ben - the same way he now knew there was a twist inside him and that who he he communicated with sometimes wasn\'t - and his love was lost.  Just a little boy swallowed up by something older, wiser and a whole fuckload nastier, leaking into his pores and changing him bit by bit.  The slow degeneration cause a frustrated anxiety in Kerr so strong that it was physically nauseating, causing his hands to bunch into futile fists around the soft leather of the cushion he held.

His nostrils flared and he had to bite back his first response, in order to gather himself a little.  Subconsciously, he was convinced that Ben\'s story was real (well, he had constructed the MPD theory on his own and the truth wasn\'t all that dissimilar) and he had to protect that knowledge, not wanting to tip the voice off to his awareness.  Instinctively, he felt that the less he gave away to the alien entity, the better in the long run - that included not acknowledging Ben\'s mental transmission.  Somehow, he needed to confirm that the two consciousnesses weren\'t completely aware of everything the other did... but what if they were?  A sudden, overwhelming feeling of inadequacy struck him and it occurred to him that his own sire\'s mental strength might be a necessary addition to this cocked-up mix... God help him.

With a swallow, Kerr released his teeth\'s iron grip on the bar of the stud in his tongue and chanced responding, trying to remain as calm as possible.  "We have to use the necklace to make the connection again?" he guessed quietly, not entirely sure that that was the connection Ben had been alluding to, but needing it clarified before they could proceed.

[Trillian]

Ben was waiting for Kerr to acknowledge his thought so much that the sentence spoken to him after a long moment was so utterly confusing that he could only stare blankly at Kerr.  When realisation dawned on him, an expression of sheer horror passed over his face and he began to shake his head, though only for a moment before he frowned darkly as though reassessing the plan.

"Why?" he asked, simply.  "What do you think it\'ll tell you?"

He pursed his lips slightly, though not exactly in a pout.  The necklace had powers he didn\'t understand, Ben thought it unwise to pursue it.  He\'d meant for them to try and figure out when Ben had adopted his parasite, but now there was a new element in the mix and he struggled to say more, failing.

[Existentially Odd]

"Well," Kerr mused, "a name of some sort would be good - it would be something tangible to go on.  It should also tell us where it came from, possibly even how.  I think that\'s important because if we don\'t know how it got in you, how will we know the way to get it out?" he asked reasonably, letting that question hang between them for a few moments.

It was in that silence that he consciously became aware of the fact that he believed Ben after all - and not just because it was more convenient and safer to believe he couldn\'t trust the voice, whereas his love was innocent.  It was also because it was logical and supported the theory he\'d come up with originally (with a slight variation, of course, given that he\'d believed Ben had invented the other personality due to his time with Declan).  Plus, there was obvious anxiety - even fear - coming from Ben at the thought of putting the necklace on again and coming into contact with his... disease.

He found he trusted Ben, despite the knowledge that it could lead to even greater hurt than he\'d experienced before.  Like he\'d already decided (to varying degrees and with other acts of faith), at some point he was going to have to throw caution to the wind and rely on the depth of his love to guide him.  It was the one thing that hadn\'t (unfortunately, in some respects) gone anywhere, no matter what had transpired.  He was still in love with Ben and he wanted to see him fixed.  The coffee stain had to be wiped from him.

[Trillian]

Ben\'s expression was shifting periodically as he listened to Kerr\'s words.  He let the silence draw out, to see if there would be something more, but when nothing came he supplied his own answer.

"A name?" he smiled for a moment, his tone bordering on sarcasm before it dissipated.  "He won\'t give you his name.  I asked who he was and he blew me off."  There was a pause, then: "Maybe he doesn\'t have a name.  Maybe he\'s older than names."

He stared, unblinking, at Kerr, once again assessing the older vampire\'s thoughts and body language on what had just been said.  He was watchful, pensive, observant, his expression carefully blanked.  The necklace wasn\'t something Ben wanted to revisit, it was too horrifying, though the blackness had informed him of a great deal about what was happening (yet at the same time not yet scratching the surface) there was no desire to surrender himself to the abyss once more.

"Should we make another appointment?" he suggested.