A Familiar Face

[Trillian]

JACK STOOD IN FRONT of the driveway of the beach-house with his eyes closed and concentrating on the thrumming that was Kerr\'s presence.  It calmed him, much like Kerr\'s voice calmed him, even when the other was annoyed at him for having his woman.  It was jealousy, perhaps, though Jack had offered to get rid of Hannah for him, Kerr had declined.  It seemed the older vampire was insistent on separating the Ben he knew from Jack himself.  In a way that was a good thing, though he wondered if Kerr would ever get over it.  Jack wondered, too, if performing the ritual meant he would lose the concept of love.  He hoped not, it was a fascinating emotion and one he wanted to keep.

The taxi was idling behind him.  Kerr had come out almost the same instant the headlights had washed over the house, arranging payment for the cab.  Jack knew how to pay for it, remembering all Kerr had shown him and using Ben\'s memories to understand how to do it for himself.  He liked the way Kerr was helping him though; small actions that showed he cared for Jack regardless of the verbal rejection he received.  Kerr was confused and pining for Ben, that was all.  He\'d get over it, Jack was sure.

It was a confusion he was going to play on, a little.  His desire to be close to Kerr outweighted his desire to be seen as an individual.  For this reason he chose to wear a sedate collection of clothing; a hoodie (and by remarkable coincidence it was the same one Ben had worn the night in Risk he\'d first met Kerr), a pair of jeans and a new pair of sneakers.  He\'d sprayed himself with the cologne that was already on the nighttable, the same one that lingered on the clothes from before and helping Jack to identify Ben\'s scent.

Once the transaction between Kerr and the cab driver was made good, Jack moved to Kerr\'s side, linking himself to his hand and arm, wanting to be close.  The connection seemed bigger and better somehow, when they were touching.  He hoped that the other would allow it to continue.  It would be disappointing to be pushed away.  He didn\'t think he would though, not when he was playing the part of Ben.  Kerr knew he wasn\'t, so there was no deception, except for however he wanted to deceive himself - if even temporarily.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr stiffened when his arm was ensconced, the wave of scent that came with the connection washing over him and stirring fond memories that he didn\'t really need crowding him just now, when he was having a hard enough time dealing with Jack\'s presence... but he forced himself to relax and not propel the other away.  His expression was admonishing as he looked down at his visitor - though he knew it would have no effect - but he left it at that.

"Welcome.  Please, come in," he said politely, trying not to think about how nice Ben\'s hand in his was.  The arm grip he could\'ve done without, but those familiar digits were heavenly, entwined with his.  It was another disappointment, a disappointment in himself, and he mentally tried to square things up a little as he led Jack into his enormous spare house.

He\'d tried beginning civilly.  He\'d been to see Sabrina the night before and told work that he wasn\'t coming in tonight, specifically so he could spend time with Jack and begin getting some answers.  He\'d got himself organised with a shower, sprayed on his signature Calvin Klein scent, tied his hair back and dressed in jeans and a simple blue polo shirt (admittedly, one that fit his muscular frame like a glove and one which he knew the sleeves had a tendency to bunch up high on, over his biceps and showing a generous amount of the bottoms of his arm tattoos),

Then he\'d called Jack and it had gone downhill.  Hannah had answered the phone, which had put his teeth on edge, bu he\'d got to Jack without her knowing that, he was pretty sure.  There was toing and froing as he tried to ascertain whether she\'d be there tonight, because he wanted to see Jack and do some talking; in the end, he\'d got so uptight he\'d made comments that even he\'d winced at.  He\'d stopped the snippiness and invited Jack over instead, to a place where they would\'t be disturned and could be alone (he\'d said... deliberately).  Jack had jumped at the chance.

"Would you like a tour?" he offered casually, as they stepped inside and he closed the front door behind them.  Ben\'s eyes would find the house vastly better fitted now, because Kerr had had work continue when he moved back in with Ben (though he\'d suspended the workers\' contract since he\'d come back once more), but he doubted Jack would know that.  Still, he was proud of the warm hues and beautiful views he could show off from so many floors and angles... plus, a tour would give him time to settle his nerves and get a question plan sorted in his head.

[Trillian]

"Yes, please," Jack replied politely and quietly.  He was keen to share an intimate moment (or many) with Kerr, and this was a good enough start.  He almost didn\'t want to speak, in order not to break the seemingly magical weaving of a relationship between them.  There was a tentative connection Kerr was forging here, with him, with Jack himsef instead of Ben, and though he suspected he wasn\'t helping things by feeding into Kerr\'s desire for his fledgling by dressing and smelling like him, he reasoned that the progression between them would be a natural one.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr moved through the huge house slowly, taking the time to explain what work had been done, what work needed to be done and how his vision fit with the original purposes and designs of the house.  A couple of rooms had dropsheets, paint chips, new panelling or paint tins and brushes as their only furnishings, others were completely finished.

The oddly-shaped living room that squatted on a primary corner of the base floor, with its expansive ocean views, was a shiny showpiece, with a huge new couch, curtains pulled back in preparation for Jack\'s visit and the lights dimmed for effect.  It seemed odd to Kerr that the last time they\'d been here together, Ben had convinced him that there was something really wrong with him and it wasn\'t a normal kind of wrong (so to speak)... and look where they were now.

They walked up and down and fully explored three floors before they reached the stairs that led down to the beach.  On impulse, Kerr decided they\'d take the walk down the elongated staircase bolted to the sheer cliff face, and explore the private beach at the bottom.  The tide was in so Jack had to take off his shoes and they both rolled up their jeans but it wasn\'t much use; where the staircase ended and the beach began, a full tide was unconcerned.  They walked through hissing waves to get to the small strip of seaweed-coated sand Kerr loved and strolled its length hand in hand, not saying too much but soaking in the atmosphere.

Disturbingly, it was extraordinarily romantic and Kerr found himself yearning - and then, worse still, indulging in little fantasies where it wasn\'t Jack with him at all, but Ben.  Ben wearing that fateful jumper and smiling back at him, looking as content as he was feeling... it did wonders for settling his nerves but it didn\'t help him keep his plan any straighter.  Of course, with Jack looking somewhat like the cat that got the cream, he rather hoped he wouldn\'t have to do too much acting to get answers from the demon.  It was easy, in those moments, to believe he would simply be told anything he asked, because they shared a common goal and the entity he\'d hated so strongly initially couldn\'t be all that bad when he looked so good in moonlight.

Eventually, they wandered back up the stairs and resumed the house tour, climbing irrevocably up through the floors towards the master bedroom.  Kerr wasn\'t sure he wanted to take Jack in there.  Not because it wasn\'t finished - and he\'d even moved the coffin into another bedroom down the hall so the effect wouldn\'t be spoiled - but because just the thought of it was proving too much for him.  The longer he spent with Jack, leading him around by the hand and simply being mellow, the less he despised him.  It was dangerous for him to lose sight of the fact that the being had ruined his life and forced his true love into some lost netherworld, leaving behind only his delectable body.  Dangerous, yes... and far, far too tempting.

He had the grace to hesitate outside the bedroom, drawing a curious look from his visitor that made him feel amazingly embarrassed, though nothing was said.  "This is the master bedroom," he said shyly, feeling the pressure to decide suddenly and buckling beneath it.  He opened the door, onto a scene from fairytale romance novels everywhere.  The extremely long room had six French doors leading onto its balcony and all of them were open, allowing the wind to snap at the thick curtains at their edges.  The enormous bed was just to their right and exquisite antiques lined the wall to their left, around the doorways to the walk in robe and the bathroom.  There was no light in here, but the moon was sitting at a perfect angle now, fat and framed in one of the far doorways, glinting upon restless waves and occasionally being obscured by billowing curtains that only seemed to add a breathless excitement to the scene.

"It\'s uh... come up pretty well," he finished awkwardly, looking around the meticulously arranged and finished room as if they\'d just walked into some two-bit motel for the night.  His gaze flitted over everything, including Jack, and then landed on the door.  "And that\'s the whole house," he said with a brightness that didn\'t befit the sultry, shadowy mood of the room at all.  Still, there was a finality to the statement that told Jack he was only waiting for some sort of summary of his opinion from him, and then he\'d lead him directly out and back down to the almost-as-lovely living room below.

[Trillian]

He was being seduced.  He knew it yet didn\'t, unaware that Kerr was planning to have him eating out of his hand, unaware that Kerr\'s only motive was to soften him up, to get him in a good mood in order for questions to be answered.  If told something to this effect, Jack would\'ve been bitterly disappointed and informed Kerr that he\'d only needed to ask, that all this hadn\'t needed to be tainted with ulterior motive, that Jack would answer any and all questions.  Almost.  He had no idea however, and unless Kerr blurted out the true meaning behind this wonderful night Jack wouldn\'t get a clue, either.  It was a fantasy night, with the bedroom at the height of the fantasy.  At the back of his mind he suspected that nothing fabulous would happen in here with Kerr, but to see this room, to be here with Kerr in it, that would lead to later imaginings, wishes and dreams.

He was happy.  It was the kind of happy that he\'d never experienced before either and he could feel what he considered the love emotion surging powerfully in his body.  It was like a pleasant ache akin to lust but far more complex.  He wanted to turn a dazzling smile to Kerr but on his features was something much more sedate.  He was spellbound by this room and when he turned his gaze to Kerr, it was likely the other vampire would see the starry effect this room had on Jack.

"This is beyond... magnificent," he said, shyly.  The whole night had been one dazzling show of a room or a scene after another and he had Kerr to thank.  "I love the way you... do... everything."  It was a struggle to put his feelings into words and for the first time in his life, he felt inadequate.  He couldn\'t describe what he was feeling in the slightest.  With a light frown marring his features, he sent a wash of the emotion he felt towards Kerr in a mental package.  The only way he could describe it was to show it, unblemished with words, unrestrained by self-consciousness, this was a first love radiating message.

[Existentially Odd]

The little smile that was lifting the corner of his mouth at being told everything he did was loveable, faltered like he had to catch his breath as the force of Jack\'s love wave registered.  His eyes fell closed, his head drooped, his body shuddered much like he did during climax and his hand around Jack\'s clenched.  "Oh, God," he breathed, trying to shake off the effect of feeling bathed in perfect, unblemished love and finding it impossible.

It wasn\'t even because it felt like Ben.  It was because it felt so good, so reassuring, like a warm blanket by a fire on a snowy day, like the afterglow of perfect sex with someone you loved, like dropping into a cold lake in the middle of summer.  It was comfort and it was Jack and it suddenly didn\'t seem to matter at all, though he knew, on some subconscious level, that it did.

"Don\'t do that," he said quietly, opening his eyes and giving Jack an imploring look, attempting to disengage his hand and walk over to sit on the bed so he could stare at the thick carpet with his head between his hands.  He would take Jack to the bed if he didn\'t let go, and just leave the arm not connected to his companion dangling from his thigh, he really didn\'t care; there was such power in what he\'d been exposed to after so long without it, that he felt weak.  He needed to sit down... even though he didn\'t.

"You... you\'re making it difficult to keep my mind on business.  I invited you here to talk, remember?  I have some questions... " he trailed off with a muddled little laugh, running his hand along his head (once he realised his hair was up and his fingers wouldn\'t go through it) and trying to reconcile that he was telling the truth because he craved more of those feelings being sent to him - well, not the whole truth, but he realised just then that his truth was farcical anyway.

He\'d set out to lull the monster into a sense of security so that he would speak easily with him, and now he realised that he\'d fallen into his own trap, that they were connecting in ways he hadn\'t intended... and he liked it.  His plan had worked too well; he believed that Jack would tell him anything he wanted to know, but that he couldn\'t quite remember what he did want to know.

O, what a twisted web we weave
When first we practice to deceive...

[Trillian]

To be told not to share his feelings was a rejection of the utmost degree.  When Kerr successfully shook Jack\'s hand off he felt as though his chest had become hollow, a cavity filled with a heavy stone.  It was easier to imagine this thanks to no heartbeat.  Hurt but keeping a brave face, he watched Kerr position himself on the bed and listened to the words he used.

Business?  Jack considered what kind of business they would have.  The word was perfect to lift the veil of seduction from Jack\'s eyes.  He hadn\'t managed to connect the entire night with deception, for he\'d felt everything had progressed wonderfully and naturally, but now he\'d decided that the night of flirting and fun was over, thanks to Kerr\'s perfunctory declaration that all he wanted now were answers.

Pouting and feeling scorned, Jack approached the bed on the other side and climbed on it, sitting with his backside on the pillow and his spine curled against the headboard.  Shoes had been slipped off on the beach and his bare feet were now spreading sand upon the coverlet of the bed but he wasn\'t thinking of such things, only of the fact the romantic night was over and Kerr wanted to talk.

He\'d shared his feelings and it had gone badly.  He was angry that Kerr would be so callous as to dismiss him in such a way but he was also trying to be reasonable in order not to burn his bridges with the vampire.  If he acted badly now, after a single rejection (oh ho, but what a rejection, to show love and then to be admonished for it) following a wondrous night, Kerr would likely think him unapproachable.  This night had to be as perfect as possible, in order for him to be invited back.

"Ask your questions," he said, hearing in his own voice that his tone was a great deal cooller to Kerr than it had been throughout the night.  Jack was hurting and he was both fascinated and appalled at the fact he couldn\'t hide this hurt.

[Existentially Odd]

Fuck... and now I feel bad...

While vaguely unable to believe he felt bad about speaking to Jack so bluntly, he was also relieved when the other moved away.  Another few seconds of being close to him, awash with such strong feelings still echoing inside him would have seen him completely lose the plot.  As it was, he spun to face the pouty blonde, watching him sit on the bed and coming up onto his knees to more or less follow him.

Kerr shuffled across the expansive bed, coming to a stop near Jack\'s left knee and then sitting back on his heels.  His own feet were sandy and the lower legs of his jeans were wet, which was a lot more likely to have impact on the quilt, but beyond considering changing his pants as they\'d walked in here, he hadn\'t given it a lot of thought.

"Hey... don\'t be like that," he told Jack gently, covering his left knee with a conciliatory hand.  He watched for a reaction, understanding that the demon genuinely was upset, that he\'d made himself vulnerable and felt, somehow that he\'d been... ignored?  Rejected?  Whatever it was, he wasn\'t happy that Kerr hadn\'t reciprocated what he\'d sent, and he hadn\'t figured out the subtle cues that should\'ve told him it was done in order to keep things platonic.

The Irishman began to see that there might be some advantage in allowing his natural impulse to be honest out.  It was just a feeling, but it wiggled with some excitement, like a tiny puppy cavorting wayyyy down in his stomach.  Such fragility of emotion could be a terrible curse or, if it was handled correctly, an advantage in this situation.

"You\'ve got to realise - you do, don\'t you? - that I need to keep things simple here because... if I don\'t... I\'ll get lost in you."  He watched Jack anxiously, his gaze travelling from one clear silvery eye to the other as he allowed the truth of his concerns loose.

Certainly, he hadn\'t planned to be this honest, but there was a simplicity to it that he now believed would work; Jack wasn\'t experienced with life or living and he certainly had no clue about loving.  He would be ultra-sensitive to their relationship, over-analysing Kerr\'s actions and words, smitten and obsessive about anything that worked in his favour.

Jack was like a hormonal teenager, sunk completely in the depths of his emotions and reliant solely on Kerr for guidance, reciprocation and affection.  It could prove to be a very important factor in their relationship, for Jack certainly had the upper hand everywhere else; it would be nice to have his own ace up his sleeve.

"I\'m too easily seduced by you to let you keep sending feelings like that at me, that was... intense.  Overwhelming.  Wonderful," he admitted after a distinct pause, offering a reluctant smile and hesitant eye contact to prove that he wasn\'t sure he should be saying these things at all.  He cleared his throat, ready to continue on in a more business-like fashion, but was stopped.

[Trillian]

All of Kerr\'s assumptions about Jack and the feelings he was having - new and unbroached - were correct.  Jack had experienced being living before, but only in the most metaphorical sense - he\'d been aware of his existence and he\'d interacted with others once he was able to, but this was new, this sharing of a soul that knew of love and other emotions.  All Jack had learned to properly access was the most primal of emotions; anger.

This was something Kerr helped him keep in check.  When he knelt up and approached him, Jack cast a curious gaze his way before looking at the hand upon his knee and then glancing back at Kerr again blankly, the pout lost.  When those words came, those beautiful words, he felt his heart soar from the rock it had been in his chest to something light and ballooning.  It was seen in the corners of his lips as a smile stole onto his face, a smile Jack fought not to grow in case his hopes were taken too high.

He wanted to say something in return, something just as pretty, but found he couldn\'t think of a single thing.  He also wanted to praise Kerr for saying such a thing, but the only thing he could come up with \'that\'s better\' wouldn\'t have sounded appropriate.  When Kerr continued to speak, he realised that words and even thoughts weren\'t enough anymore for him to express himself - it had to be action.  Surely Kerr wouldn\'t push him away again?

Their proximity was easy for him to maneouvre quickly up to Kerr.  With one movement of his legs and pushing off with his hands he was kneeling before the darker vampire.  His hands moved up to touch Kerr\'s face between his palms, framing it.  He was pulsing with the desire to press his lips against Kerr\'s and moved in to do so but at the last few centimetres he stopped and closed his eyes, tilting his head foreward so that their foreheads touched instead of their lips.

"I... don\'t want to kiss you and have you think of him," Jack said quietly, perhaps dangerously considering he\'d used Ben\'s clothes and scent to create the spell.  It had been the wrong thing to do, he understood this now.  He didn\'t want leftovers or confusion.  He wanted love and he wanted it given freely.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr exhaled a breathy (and somewhat tortured) laugh, pained that the body and lips of his lover were so alluringly close, so achingly solid and right before him, yet the reality was so far from that.

"I\'m sure even you can understand the irony in that statement," he told Jack, doing his best to think of him as Jack, and not inhale Ben, and not feel Ben, and not think about Ben\'s beautiful, kissable pink lips that had seen him awake and worshipping long after many a day had dawned and he should\'ve been slumbering.

"This is fucking torture," he said through gritted teeth, wanting to pull away, wanting Jack to kiss him anyway, wanting Jack to pull away, wanting to just throw caution to the wind fucking take the kiss.  "I don\'t know you well enough to think of you as you, to see you as anyone but him," he said desperately, his mind leaping erratically about the place as he switched back to more or less answering his own first statement.

In another random turnabout, he then followed up his torture comment with: "We should probably move off the bed."  He waited for Jack to make that move first.

[Trillian]

Irritable now that Kerr hadn\'t kissed him in spite of his declaration (for that was what he\'d been hoping for, that Kerr would say he wouldn\'t get them confused - regardless of whether he did or not - and at least try to return those feelings of love with something physical) and even more put out that Kerr would suggest they move away from the bed, Jack let go of Kerr\'s face and sat back on his own knees, staring at him.

"Why did you end the tour here, if we were to sit and talk?" he pointed out.  "You say one thing while doing another.  You say you want Ben yet you dismiss the possibility that it was my influence in him that you really fell in love with.  When I mention it you pull a face, that face," he said while pressing his lips together.  "You get answers you don\'t want to hear but you still ask questions.  Everything about you is contradictory.  You say you don\'t know me well enough not to confuse me with him but you don\'t want to know me because you move here, away from me."  Jack moved backwards off the bed, giving Kerr his wish of pulling away first, standing at the edge of it.  "You confuse me.  You want me and you don\'t.  You love me and you don\'t.  I didn\'t take him over.  He sought me out.  He needed me to help him.  He\'s weak," Jack spat, finally angry that he would be losing Kerr\'s attention to someone who he thought so little of.

[Existentially Odd]

"He\'s not weak," Kerr argued hotly, walking across the bed and getting off it just beside Jack.  He stood with his hands lightly balled at his sides, trying not to loom but wound up enough to express his burning feelings on this matter without giving it too much thought.

"He didn\'t seek you out, fucking Declan cut you into him as part of his Oligarchy punishment.  Declan was weak and passed you on, Ben had no clue - you should\'ve known that if you had any awareness once you got inside Ben," he said sarcastically, fishing with this statement because he wanted to know just how long Jack had been aware, but it wasn\'t a priority just then.  He was happy enough for the statement to get lost in the rest of his words.

"And I didn\'t end the tour here; I saved the bedroom \'til last because I wasn\'t sure I should even bring you in here, considering how you affect me.  That\'s why I\'m confusing you; because it fucking confuses me!" he exclaimed, pressing the fingertips of his right hand indignantly to his chest, tapping it pointedly as he continued.  "I find it hard to keep shit straight around you, because you look and smell and feel exactly like him, then you go and infuse me with love when I feel lonely as Hell out here and all I fucking want," he stressed through gritted teeth, the hand still pressed to his chest but his face definitely moving into \'looming\' position as it hovered near Jack\'s, "is to give in and just pretend!  But you don\'t want that, and neither do I.  You want it to be me wanting you, and I don\'t want to want you, because that would be cheating on him and I fucking hate that I even like you enough to be entertaining this shit because all I should be wanting is to talk to you about the ritual and admitting I know nothing and I need your help!"

It occurred to him, once he finished just about screaming at Jack, that he was far too emotionally involved in this shit himself.

[Trillian]

Jack held his ground when Kerr approached, though he sensed hostility emanating from the taller vampire.  His eyes were cast upward for he didn\'t tilt his head up in order to meet Kerr\'s downturned face, looking up through his lashes instead.

Even though he didn\'t have a chance to counter Declan\'s passing on the ritual the words weren\'t lost on him.  He\'d known he was being moved to someone else, like he always knew, but it had never been one of full awareness, just a sensation of transferring spirit.

There were many arguments on his lips, many things he wanted to shout back at Kerr.  He lifted his face finally as Kerr seemed to occupy his personal space to a more limiting degree and stared back at the Irishman as responses whirled about his mind.  He selected the most honest, and sedate, one that he had.  He spoke it quietly, which burned in the aftermath of Kerr\'s volume.

"I infused you with love because I wanted you to know how I felt," he said.  "Not because of how I look or smell or how I touch or taste, but what I feel, without his influence."

He wondered, even as he said it, how true that was.

[Existentially Odd]

"But how do you even know me?!" Kerr demanded, straightening up out of Jack\'s face and raising his arms by his side in exasperation.

"How much awareness of me was there when you were inside him?  From the way you tell it, you didn\'t know much, yet you come out and you love me, and I\'m supposed to just accept that?  And see you as a different person?"

Shaking his head, Kerr paused, propping his hands on his hips.  "I enjoyed the love, but it baffles me," he said, his manner a great deal more subdued.

[Trillian]

Jack could see Kerr\'s point but he didn\'t think Kerr was seeing it from his viewpoint.

"I don\'t understand it either," he admitted, lowering his gaze and looking at Kerr\'s chest instead, admiring the way the material stretched over his muscles and the peeking out of the tattoos underneath from his arms.  "It doesn\'t make it any less real," he finished.

The fact that he\'d never been with or been attracted to a man was something he left out.  Even when he\'d taken on a womanly form, he\'d pursued other women.  He\'d only taken on a woman\'s form once though, which was interesting considering the ritual had him passed on from body to body with even genders taking him on.  It seemed a majority of the men were the ones who pursued the ritual.