Crescendi

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was nervous.  Jack would arrive by cab any minute for their... well, their date and he was completely organised... but he was still nervous.

He\'d got up right on dusk in anticipation, wanting everything to be as perfect as he could make it.  He\'d cleaned the house thoroughly over the past two nights, finishing off decorating the most often accessed rooms so that it was beginning to look more like a home than an extravagant hotel and completing some of the lingering carpentry projects he\'d started.

His plan was simple - because he thought that simple would mean less options for something going wrong - when Jack arrived, Kerr would lead him to the main living room and they would relax there.  The panoramic view was now framed by curtains but they were drawn back, the large bifold doors open to the breathtaking view.  The weather was cold - there was sleet blowing about outside - and uncompromising; the sea was a turgid beast, rolling and surging angrily against the cliffs below the house with loud, violent roars that was as beautiful a natural music as one could hope for (though he did have some classical music cued on the sound system).

Even though neither of them felt the cold, the first thing Kerr had done upon waking this evening was light a fire in the enormous fireplace that was the focal point of the semi-circular living room.  Modern families would have put a massive plasma screen there, but he\'d designed the room for sitting and daydreaming, gazing out at the ocean in all its moods from the leather corner suite lounge, snuggling on the perfectly stuffed, suede-covered brown bean bags (there were four of them but only two were placed on the thick white rug that covered a great deal of the highly-polished wooden floor, in front of the fire, the others were tucked against the wall) or sitting on the rug around the very large square coffee table, playing games.  The top of the table opened to reveal a recently-purchased collection of classic boardgames; scrabble, chess, draughts, backgammon.  None were cheaply wrought, all were expensive and the chess set pieces were made of crystal.

Kerr had no idea if Jack was interested in games or bean bags, but he did have one thing in store that the fledgling would like; blood.  He\'d bought four blood bags from the Red Cross (at no little cost) and mixed two into a pot on the stove to heat slowly while he dressed.  As he went upstairs, he took one final look at the living room, admiring the way the large fire had caught, primping the bean bags one last time so that they were arranged with casual artistry near the coffee table.  There were some new throw blankets over the couch as well, in case Jack wanted to sit there and...

Not allowing the thought to finish, Kerr turned and hastened up the multiple flights of stairs that led to the bedroom.  He showered quickly, washing his hair and applying some CK cologne afterwards.  Satisfied that he smelled good, he padded into the wardrobe and debated what he would wear.  He was undecided.  Underwear, no underwear, casual, formal, silky... barechested?  It had him dancing impatiently from foot to foot, knowing that he needed to go down and check the blood but unable to make a rational decision.

He went and got some boxer briefs on first and made up his mind to stick with his overall theme on the way back to the robe; simplicity.  A pair of jeans (old, faded, very snug) and a deep blue long-sleeved silk shirt.  He rolled the sleeves up to his elbows, left the tails untucked and didn\'t bother to button up the top three buttons.  Looking at himself in the mirror, he made one final concession for the sake of pure decoration and fixed a leather necklace around his neck.  It was designed to be tight against the column of his throat and had a silver arrow tip on it; it nestled comfortably in the lee beneath his Adam\'s apple, where a mortal\'s pulse would make it shudder subtly - if it were worn by one.

Barefoot, he walked out to the bedroom to check the bed.  He\'d made it when he awoke - then quickly unmade it, deciding that they were definitely going to end up here, so there was no point in leaving it looking uninviting.  He\'d folded the quilt down to the foot of the mattress and turned the top sheet down in welcome instead (though he worried that that was a very corny thing to do).  Regarding it for one last time, he still couldn\'t be sure, making a disgusted noise at himself as he checked to see that all the French doors were open and that at least one of the curtains at each were billowing in the aggressive weather; they were.  Perfect.

He\'d considered lighting candles in here, on each of the bedside tables, but had figured that really would be too much (though, if Jack decided he\'d like a dip in the hot tub, there were candles set around both the indoor and the outdoor one - though the outdoor candles wouldn\'t stand a chance in tonight\'s weather).  Both of them could see perfectly well in the dark and the moonlight - meagre as it was - was a simple and beautiful companion in the expansive room.

Running fingers through his damp hair and ruffling it so it would dry faster, Kerr hastened downstairs to check on the blood.  He had two crystal goblets standing on the bench nearby for pouring it into when Jack arrived and his plan was to share that in the living room before anything got... sexual.  Something calming and intimate, the sharing of blood between sire and fledgling, looking at the ocean or into the fire, sitting on the lounge or in bean bags - maybe even playing a boardgame.  They had the time, there was no need to rush...

It wasn\'t a delaying tactic.  Not at all.  At least... he was pretty sure it wasn\'t.  He just needed something to do before they got down to it, so that this night could be about a bit more than sex.  So that he could convince himself it was the right thing to do.  He was still having a hard enough time coming to terms with the fact that he\'d got so jealous and possessive the other night that he\'d had to assert himself to the degree he had.  It was over Ben\'s body, not Jack, though, so he could understand why he\'d done it.  Tonight, Ben\'s body was assured to be his... but he wasn\'t sure he was going to be interacting with Ben at all, and that made him nervous.

He wasn\'t supposed to be thinking about Ben, it was definitely supposed to be for Jack, about Jack.  But he couldn\'t shake the feeling that all his plans, all his elaborate and nervous organising, smacked of a man setting up a secret affair while his partner was out of town.  It wasn\'t cheating... was it?

Kerr was broken from his reverie by the sound of a car approaching the house so he quickly stopped stirring the blood (which was a beautiful temperature now) and began ladling it into the goblets.  He would greet Jack at the door and then just step into the kitchen to pick them up on their way to the living room; simple.

[Trillian]

Jack\'s gaze had followed Hannah\'s movements about the apartment as she got ready for work.  It was a later shift because there were late night performances, something about it being a weekend or a public holiday, or the weekend of a public holiday, or some such thing that had no impact whatsoever to Jack because he didn\'t work.  He watched her dress, put on makeup, do her hair, and saw her out the door with the carkeys in her hand.  He waited until she was properly gone and likely driving down the street many floors below before he sought out her makeup kit.

He\'d worn makeup before, when he\'d lived at a time when men wore wigs and makeup as much as women.  He\'d liked the pomp then, and knew it to be a darker and sexier thing now.  He didn\'t primp himself up like a doll, but rather outlined the eyes that Kerr seemed to like so much with a black kohl pencil, heavy handed with the strokes.  Before him, on the dressing table, was a magazine opened to a page with a dark-haired male model sprawled on a flourished armchair covered in regal gold and silver material.  The model was dressed all in black, with jewellery and leather melting off his hands and neck, dark lined eyes over a mesh shirt and black leather pants, many buckles on his boots.  The title of the page heralded him as \'rock star\' and there was an icon at the bottom which Jack knew had to do with a clothing store, because he\'d shopped in it with Kerr, that first night.

He had thick soled shoes - stomper boots, Hannah had called them upon seeing them, though they were very short boots, ending just above his ankles, over his clinging black leather pants.  He wore a black mesh singlet beneath a silver shimmery button-up shirt.  A heavy silver watch on his wrist that was worth thousands of dollars.  He stared at himself in the full length mirror of the cupboard doors.  Rock star.  He seemed more appropriately dressed for Risk or Club Zero, but he was really dressed for Kerr.  He didn\'t know how the other would like it, but he\'d said he\'d liked his leather pants last time.  It made sense to wear them again.

He pocketed a wallet that had a few bills in it, for a taxi, and went downstairs to the taxi rank.  At one of the floors below him, a couple joined him in the elevator, though they pressed the basement button for the carparking area beneath the ground floor, which was Jack\'s destination.  He was well aware of the woman stealing glances at him but ignored her, if only to salvage some discretion because of who he would be with tonight.  He didn\'t fail to notice she was much prettier than Hannah though, and likely a lot more difficult to control because of it.  He left the elevator without a word.

He walked to the taxi rank that was half a block up from the building, attracting a number of stares of mixed reaction on the way.  It was unusual to dress like this in this neighborhood, he knew, but it wasn\'t unusual to dress like this in this city, he\'d also discovered.  Many stares he couldn\'t interpret because the owners of such stares looked like they were puzzled about something.  Perhaps they thought he was famous and was trying to figure out how.  He opened the back door to the first taxi and slid across the seat so he was in the middle.

There was conversation, though it was mostly one sided, as the scenery changed from bustling metropolis to mountainous winding road.  Jack had little comment to make though made just enough so the taxi driver wouldn\'t think he was rude and throw him out.  He paid a rather extensive fare and tipped almost a quarter of the fare again because of the conversation.  Just because he hadn\'t spoken didn\'t mean he wasn\'t grateful for the chatter.  It had kept his mind busy.  Mostly.  The cabbie had given him a very warm thanks and asked if he could pick him up later, but Jack had replied with a firm no.  He intended on staying.

Jack moved to the front door, feeling like he was a character in a dream.  He could hear his boots crunching on the ground with every step he took, small loose stones scattering as his boots touched them and moved them aside or trod them underfoot.  He could hear the pounding surf rhythmic and deep, like it was his very soul, striding forward and ebbing away.  It took him a moment to realise he\'d slowed his steps.  The night wasn\'t very dark because the moon was at a quarter, enough light to make it bright enough for his superior vision to pick out even the smallest details.  He arrived at the door and almost expected Kerr to open it for him, but there was no sense of him even being on the other side and Jack\'s hand lifted to press the doorbell button anyway.  He heard it chime and remained as he was, staring at the space where he expected Kerr\'s head to be revealed to him as the door swung open to let him in, trying to think of nothing in particular.

[Existentially Odd]

"Damnit!" Kerr swore as the doorbell rang and caused him to rush the final delivery of blood.  It spilled a few drops over the lip and along the clear, faceted edge of the goblet, looking like a wound that had opened up in the glass itself.  He swiped the spill with his thumb and index finger, deciding the haphazard clean up would have to do and that he\'d take that glass for himself as he dropped the ladle back in the pot and hurried for the door.

He licked first his index finger and then his thumb clean as he opened it, not managing to withdraw his thumb straight away as he caught sight of Ben standing on his doorstep. No, Jack.

Jack
Shit
Oh... yes.  It\'s Jack.  That\'s a pretty good assessment, by the looks.

It was a good thing he didn\'t breathe.  Anything in his lungs would likely have been expelled in one huge rush right then, probably causing him to choke on blood droplets when his automatic sense of self preservation kicked in a few moments later and prompted him to inhale suddenly.  No such trouble now, though, for he didn\'t breathe and he didn\'t choke... or move.  For a good twenty seconds, he simply stared, his gaze roving up and down Ben\'s body wonderingly.

He\'d never imagined him looking like that.

The shirt drew his attention first, the body visible beneath it, then the pants and the boots.  An unwarranted surge of lust hit him as his gaze lifted, travelling over the see-through, teaser shirt again, then settled on Ben\'s eyes.  Usually, they competed with his sensual, pouty lips for the title of Best Feauture but, outlined in black like they were now, they were stunning, mesmerising, breathtaking.  It was definitely a good thing he didn\'t breathe.

He hated it.  He loved it.  He wanted Jack to change.  He needed no reminder of Ben.  He couldn\'t imagine taking those clothes off in a quiet, dignified ceremony such as what he\'d been mentally preparing for.  He was electrified by the thought that he could tear them off and do as he would with the flesh that lay beneath.

Crazy thoughts, conflicted thoughts, rising desires and blanching sensibilities, that\'s what ambushed him, when he opened the door.

Eventually, Kerr managed to pull his thumb out of his mouth with a tiny popping sound and swallow down the saliva that a droplet of blood and a visual feast had brought into his mouth.  There still seemed to be more, so he swallowed again, his eyes unable to help themselves from feeding his brain another teasing reminder by looking Jack over once more.  "Hi," he managed, his voice soft, subdued and sounding strangled to his own ears.  "Come in," he invited quietly, taking a step back so that he could cling to the door and watch the vision enter.

The presentation of him was so surreal it seemed unreal and he was keen to watch Jack walk, to hear him talk, just so that he would be convinced that this was reality.  Pinching himself would be gauche.

[Trillian]

He was being assessed.  No, he was being looked over.  He certainly wasn\'t being overlooked as Kerr stood struck dumb with his thumb in his mouth and staring at everything Jack wore with those dark eyes of his.  They settled on his face, meeting his gaze.  Jack had remained expressionless throughout it all, though his eyebrows had twitched upward slightly until Kerr found his face.  The greeting and soft invitation to enter came next, with room to move forward.  Jack\'s lips twitched a smile that was hard to define and he stepped into the house, hearing his boots leave the doorstep and find itself on a hardwood floor.

He could smell the blood now that the wind wasn\'t ripping the scent away before he could sense it.  It made him blink very slowly at Kerr after he\'d come into the house, for he hadn\'t fed.  He\'d broken his routine in order to arrive at Kerr\'s house immediately, figuring Kerr would have something lined up for them.  He\'d been right, to trust Kerr\'s consideration.  The other vampire would be a perfect match for him in this existence, it was a shame he lived here, or that Jack was forced to live at the apartment when this house was available.

"Thank you," he said in return once he was in, looking at Kerr differently now that he had the scent of blood in his nostrils.  It was more of a powerful gaze, a change of expression so subtle it would be hard to have known the transition, but the result was predatory.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr realised he was staring over his shoulder and not moving when Ben\'s voice thanked him.  Startled, he closed the door and locked it, turning off the porch light - that he\'d left on to guide the car that brought Jack - and turning towards his guest.

"Let\'s...

discuss your choice of clothing
get you out of those clothes
get you into something more comfortable
talk for a while
head up to the bedroom
not waste any time
not rush things
think about this
hurry before I think too hard

get settled," the Irishman said distractedly, finding his mind suddenly addled by more than Jack\'s wardrobe.  It was their connection, his fledgling\'s thirst now that he\'d scented the blood, thickening the air with an arousal that was not sexual but something purer, something that had sustained Kerr far longer than sex had.

"In the living room," he added, propelling Jack in the right direction by placing a familiar hand at the small of his back.  As they walked, the hand slid lower without conscious thought, seeking to feel the movement of the leather on Ben\'s buttocks, but it was gone soon enough as Kerr veered off into the swinging kitchen door.

"I\'ll be right there," he announced, expecting that Jack would continue on to the appointed room and have made the choice about where the two of them would be sitting by the time he got there.  He carefully picked up the very full glasses (each held about six hundred millilitres of blood), checked the remaining blood was on the lowest setting possible and hastened after his fledgling, ready to say that he\'d organised some nourishment for them but determined to keep his mouth shut.  It was a ridiculous thing to say, after all, when he was holding it.

[Trillian]

Jack followed Kerr\'s lead by leading the way into the living room, remembering where it was from his last visit and also by the guiding touch at his back and then his backside.  When Kerr\'s hand left, he turned his head just enough to see him move away (for the goblets) and correctly guessed the reason for doing so.  He continued on, entering the room and surveying the room before positioning himself on the middle of the sofa, his hands resting on his lap, palms down.  He sat quiet, patient, watchful as Kerr entered the room very soon after with the goblets in hand.  Smilling, he reached up in order to take one of them, liking what he considered to be a comfortable silence, though he did break it with a thank you once the goblet was in hand.
 
"S\'warm," he said after taking a sip, fascinated by the liquid as it ran back down the glass to settle with the rest of the contents.  Blood would cool quickly, he figured, but it was also gracious of Kerr to warm it for them.  He found himself wondering why he\'d given up on Kerr staying so quickly.  He honestly would make a much better living partner than Hannah, despite his plans for her.

[Existentially Odd]

"I heated it," Kerr smiled as he sat to Jack\'s right, close enough that their thighs were brushing against one another with the occasional movement but also slightly askew, so that he could see his companion\'s face more clearly.  His left arm slid automatically along the back of the couch, behind Jack\'s head as he got settled, watching his own glass so that it didn\'t spill anything while that happened.

"There is more, both warm and cold.  I wasn\'t sure if you\'d have fed or not, before you came so I got plenty.  I\'ll pour you the rest when you finish that, if you like.  Salut," he toasted, lifting his goblet because he was finished organising himself and hadn\'t had a drink yet.  It didn\'t bother him that Jack wouldn\'t recognise such customs but it was a habit of his, if ever there was a glass in his hand in close company, to toast before drinking.

Once the crystal goblets were clinked together, he would swallow his own amount of blood eagerly - not only because he was hungering, but also because he was nervous and the action was something soothing to do.

[Trillian]

Jack knew about toasts, and repeated the toast after Kerr, recognising the French word from the Italian Salute, similar in sound with the additional phonetic on the end.  He smiled as he did this, dipping his glass subtly in order to enhance the clink and liking the echo of the ring as the soundwaves moved about the room and bounced off objects until it faded completely.  He sipped while Kerr drank, looking at the darker vampire over the rim of his glass.  Once Kerr got to halfway, Jack began to swallow much more until he was finished not too far after Kerr himself.  The blood slaked the edge of his hunger though it wasn\'t enough to have him completely sated.
 
"Another," he requested, taking advantage of Kerr\'s recent offer that there was more available.  His left hand was curled around the stem of the goblet while his right made its way onto Kerr\'s knee, where it squeezed familiarly.  The smile on his face was enigmatic.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr chuckled in response, brushing his hand over Ben\'s as he took the empty goblet from him and rose.  Strangely, it still felt as if his hand was on his leg, almost as if it had left an imprint.  Impossible, he told himself as he ambled into the kitchen, rinsing his empty glass and pouring all the remaining liquid into Jack\'s instead.  He was sated enough for the time being, preferring that his fledgling take as much as he needed.  Since there was another six hundred or so millilitres here, he supposed that what was cold at the moment could be heated or ingested cold later.

Afterwards, when energy was needed

He cut all thoughts off and went back out to Jack, handing him the goblet before he got settled again.  This time, his left leg was tucked in under his right and he was facing his fledgling more fully, enjoying his enjoyment of the blood vicariously.  "So... everything went alright with Hannah?" he murmured, wanting something to say (lest he get lost in gazing at Jack\'s hypnotic eyes).  His own hand snuck over to the leather-clad leg as he waited for his answer, fingers moving softly across the surface of the smooth material just because it felt so enticing.

[Trillian]

When Hannah had done her amazing flying leap greeting once again after not remembering what had happened the first time around, Jack had found himself envying and coveting Kerr\'s mental skills.

"Mmn!" he said, swallowing the mouthful of blood and then setting the glass away from his lips, the base resting on the leg Kerr wasn\'t touching.  "You\'ve got to teach me how to wipe memories.  It could come in very handy," he declared, musing on the fact that he could do things several times over before achieving the desired result.

He\'d rested back on the sofa, so he could turn his head slightly and be looking properly at Kerr while in a very comfortable position.  He liked the touches, the closeness, the conversation that wasn\'t strained so far.  He liked that they were being easy together.  He supposed it was the initial sexual moment they\'d experienced a couple of nights ago - it had certainly been an ice-breaker for Jack.

[Existentially Odd]

And there it was, the prompt that caused him to tense up (though he tried to hide it as much as possible).

"Well... I was teaching... Ben," Kerr said, the name seeming foreign on his lips.  The overwhelming feeling that he was wrong - that it was all wrong - suddenly struck him and his gaze flew to Ben\'s face, seeking the comfort of its familiarity, now dismayed to find it so oddly made up.  There was no comfort to be found there, he was alone.

"The problem is... well, you\'re a young vampire," he continued as best he could, his words awkward and subdued as he fought to keep his mood buoyant.  "Such powers will come, with practise, over time.  It took me hundreds of years to perfect it, though I think B-you will do it far more quickly.  With... your natural aptitude," he finished, lowering his gaze unseeingly to the glass of blood on Jack\'s other leg, gnawing on his tongue stud.

[Trillian]

Jack wasn\'t entirely closed off to Kerr\'s body language, though he couldn\'t properly interpret why Kerr was suddenly more anxious.  Did he think that Jack had come here, perhaps, for an ulterior motive beyond sex?  To seek out the nature of his powers?  He nodded absently at being explained about the youth of vampirism in correlation to how much he was capable of, already knowing such things because Ben knew, so he knew, and not sharing Ben\'s obsession with it despite his current desire to learn more.  Vampirism wasn\'t pressing Jack\'s buttons right now.  Love was.

"You don\'t have to teach me that," he said, hoping that his declaration would free Kerr from feeling bound or perhaps to make him see that Jack wasn\'t here for that.  He was here for intimacy, for emotion.  He wanted to say more but wasn\'t sure what the rest of the conversation should be, so he polished off the blood that was in his glass to the last drop - not gulping it down hurriedly, but certainly not taking his time with it either.  It was something to do, while filling the silence.  Once the blood was gone he wiped his lips with the back of his hand and set the glass down on a nearby surface, looking at Kerr as he did so.

[Existentially Odd]

"I won\'t have time to teach you that before the eclipse," Kerr told him bemusedly, his smile sad as he glanced from where his fingers were still lightly tracing Jack\'s leg up to his eyes and back again.

I\'m having second thoughts
I thought it would be easy
It wouldn\'t mean anything
That it\'s his body
But it\'s different, now I\'m here
It\'s his body but you inhabit it and you share it with Hannah willingly
And you\'re... not him
You\'re you
And he... is the one I love
And I miss him so
But you can\'t take his place and I\'m cheating on him, no matter how you look at it
Because you\'re not HIM

But I promised and...
il mio cuore sanguina

Feeling anguished, defeated and guilty, Kerr struggled for control, trying to quell his misgivings, mute his thoughts.  They would do him no good when his path was already laid.  Although it was difficult to imagine Jack returning to the being who\'d threatened harm to Ben\'s body if Kerr didn\'t comply, he could easily imagine the other being so upset by his reneging on their deal that he refused to continue with the ritual.  Sure, he loved Kerr, but it was only Ben-deep and the longer Jack remained in his body, the more faint Kerr believed his love\'s presence would become, until he winked out of existence altogether.

By then, there would be no love, no proclamations of desire, there would just be Jack and Kerr would have no choices at all.  Right now, he had a choice, and he\'d made it a week before.  The quote about \'all of our final decisions being made in a state of mind that would not last\' floated to the surface of his consciousness but he buried it, along with all the rest of his second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts.  It was too late to back out, to regret agreeing to this, because the consequences for not going through with it were (potentially) infinitely more devastating than the knowledge that Ben might be furious with him for cheating when he got back.

He head to get back first and it was Kerr\'s job to keep Jack happy long enough that that would happen.  By whatever means necessary.

Whatever means necessary.  Exitus acta probat.

"Is there anything you\'d like to do...?  A walk on the beach? Take a hot tub?  Play a board game?" Kerr asked with renewed focus, looking Jack in the eye and smiling genuinely.  He\'d wanted to ask if there was anything Jack wanted to do first, but hadn\'t been sure that that would be a polite thing to say.

"Should I put some music on, perhaps?" he enquired, gripping Jack\'s leg a little tighter as his body shifted, ready to get up if his guest agreed.  The house had speakers in most rooms and a central sound system that could be heard almost everywhere; he\'d been playing some classical and operatic music the night before, singing along in robust Welsh to \'Suo Gân\', contemplating blissful images to Chopin\'s Prelude in E minor.

Tonight, he felt no such beauty and bliss encompassing him and rather hoped Jack would agree to a little extra noise (by some truly wonderful masters).

[Trillian]

Jack thought it over.  Was there anything he\'d like to do?  Yes, there were things he would like to do, and he knew Kerr meant as a lead up to what they were really together to do.  He barely had time to respond before Kerr was throwing other suggestions his way.

"I prefer the sound of the ocean," Jack said, negating Kerr\'s wish to have music piping throughout the house.  The ocean was a sound that surrounded him here, in this house, and it filled him, it made him feel good.  He supposed the sound of the wind up high in his apartment would\'ve also given him such a benefit, but there was no sound due to the thick glass that surrounded his home, which he couldn\'t open or turn off.  Many a time he went out on the balcony to feel his short hair being whipped around, the heavy sigh and howl of the wind around buildings and up alleys.  It was beautiful too, but it didn\'t match the ocean.

Kerr might be feeling awkward and second-guessing his decision, but Jack wasn\'t.  He\'d been about to go with the suggestion of a walk along the ocean, but that would lead to a swim and that would lead to their clothes being taken off.  It made more sense to take clothes off here, before they left, and if they were to do that then it made sense to go for a walk on the beach or swim in the ocean, afterward.

Jack didn\'t feel like stalling, or allowing Kerr the time to have them both at ease.  He didn\'t realise how uneasy Kerr was feeling, in fact.  He shifted on the sofa, twisting so that he was on one knee on the cushion, and he threw his leg over both of Kerr\'s, pushing at his turned shoulder so he was sitting flat against the back of the sofa, so that he was sitting upon the other\'s lap.  He would need Kerr not to battle him for the success of this movement.  If allowed, he would find Kerr\'s neck to lick and suck in mimicry of what had happened to him only two nights before.

[Existentially Odd]

To business,then.  Or, rather, pleasure, he thought as he allowed himself to be manoeuvred into position.

God, am I really going to go through with this?

Kerr\'s eyes slipped closed and he tried to focus on the tingle of feeling emanating from his throat, tried to magnify the pleasure and block out his angst.  If he didn\'t get himself sorted, he really wouldn\'t be able to go through with it.  Images of he and Ben kissing, laughing, tearing clothes off in a haze of passion passed through his mind and, at first, he tried to squash them.

Thinking of Ben at a time like this was sacrilege.

When he couldn\'t bring himself to relax and enjoy the attention to his throat fully, though, he realised that thinking of Ben might actually be the key.  He was doing this for Ben, with Ben (in a sense) and because he loved Ben.  If he compartmentalised now, he\'d have nothing to give Jack and the whole thing would

fail
not work
he\'d leave me alone
But what if he knew?
How could he know?  You\'d have tried and you\'d still have slept with him.  As far as he\'d learn, sex with love is just... no different
But it is
Does he really need to know that, when the stakes are this high?
... Ben will forgive me.
You hope
Fuck.  Yes, I do

be a failure.

Thinking of Ben at a time like this was necessary.

With that mindset, Kerr instantly found it easier to respond.  He opened his heart, reminding himself that even Digital had said they could be heard - and, hopefully, felt.  His hands slid along Ben\'s slick thighs and he shifted to get a little more settled, liking the way the denim he was wearing also moved smoothly against the leather Ben wore.  It produced a tingle of awareness that some frantic part of his brain encouraged like a madman fanning a flame.

Again, an image of Digital rose and he smothered it, a tiny from that Jack wouldn\'t see flickering across his face.  He was still thinking altogether too much, that was his problem.  He needed to feel, not intellectualise the bloody experience.  His hands slid around to cup Ben\'s ass and pull as he lifted his own hips ever so slightly, creating that teflon friction once more.  That was more like it.  He allowed a soft growl to let Jack know that he liked what was being done to him and repeated his lap-nudge again.  It had been a slower process than he\'d expected, but his body was finally beginning to play along, to relax into it, happy to let Jack take the lead while he worked on crossing the final few hurdles in his mind.