The Penumbral; Ritual of the Earth

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked, having instantly answered Ben\'s first question with a few words right after his fledgling stopped talking - "We\'re in Utah." - but needing... a few moments to process the rest.  A feeling of dread was crawling along his skin, tightening it, making his head feel light and airy and his chest wither on the inside.

The trial?  Ben was talking as if he\'d just stepped out of that moment, almost three years ago, not just three months.  The way he spoke of Declan... so casually... the way he asked about his punishment as if he hadn\'t lived it...  the way he turned around to get dressed, as if Kerr had never seen him naked before.

Suddenly, like a bucket of cold water had been dumped over his head, realisation drained through Kerr and left him reeling.  He stumbled a step as if the earth had shaken and leaned against the car with his right hand, staying upright just barely.  "Ben... what\'s the last thing you remember?" he asked weakly and his voice sounded distant to his own ears.  He knew the answer he would get, but he needed to have it confirmed.

His heart felt like it had shrunk to the size and texture of a walnut.

[Trillian]

Once Ben had his jeans on and zipped up, he turned back around to see Kerr leaning against the car with one arm outstretched, he would\'ve thought nothing of it, though it didn\'t look particularly relaxing.  Still, there was a nagging feeling, like he knew exactly how Kerr felt - like he just knew somehow, that Kerr was concerned and in shock.  He attributed these emotions to the vampire finding Ben buried underground and having to rescue him from death.  What else would shake him up like that?  Funny, Ben didn\'t feel so bad about that, but likely because he\'d simply woken up rather than knowing such things were done to him.  It was odd, to be detached, but also helpful.

"Well, after they took me out of the trial room, they dumped me in this sitting room, only it looked kinda like a library," Ben explained, figuring Kerr didn\'t know about this because he\'d remained in the trial room with Mandy.  Ben put the shirt over himself and pulled it down to meet his jeans, not liking the way the fabric clung to him, though the fit was perfect.  He wondered again who Jack was.  "Then that Declan guy came in and threatened to make me his pet, though obviously he was playing mindgames or something, because instead of doing that, instead of cutting into my back like he told me he was going to, he must\'ve given me something or knocked me out, because I\'ve ended up here."

Wherever here was.  Had Kerr said Utah?

Kerr likely would have noticed, when Ben had turned his back to him, that there was no longer a ritualistic scar cut into his back.  Only clean flesh remained - though Ben was still a vampire and remained as Kerr\'s fledgling - even if he couldn\'t remember it.

[Harlequin]

Once she\'d judged that he was no longer a danger to himself and others (for the moment), Sabrina took her hands off his shoulders and straightened her back. "About this sacrifice business? No."

Her hands found her pockets again, "Of Kerr\'s intentions? Yes." She wasn\'t sure which he meant, so she covered both options, and saw no point in lying, and she looked into his face as she spoke, tone neutral, even, and frank. They had both wanted something different from this ritual, and both of them had used the subtle art of misdirection in order to achieve that end.

She turned her eyes back to the middle of the circle, "What will He look like?" she asked mildly.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s legs had failed him at the moment he\'d got a glimpse of Ben\'s back and by the time he\'d turned around again, the Irishman was sinking slowly down along the car, his back coming to rest against the rear tyre.  He rested his elbows on his raised knees, his fingers interlocked behind his head and tangled in his hair as he stared straight ahead, eyes blank and forlorn.

Three years...
He doesn\'t remember me - doesn\'t remember us
There is no us.
Three years gone, just like that.
No scars.  No Declan.  Hrmm no Lazarus.  None of that shit...
No trip to Europe, no sex in the snow, no-
No siring.  No Arles.
No me.
All gone.  Three years just... gone... along with the scar.  No scar, no earth personification, no poison, completely clean of contamination, fresh and ready to start over.
Just... no us.
He literally doesn\'t love me any more.

It was too mammoth for him to cry just yet - thankfully - but he felt numb... mournful.  Yes, his heart was definitely a neglected and bereft lump in his chest, his whole world taken in one fell swoop.  It was as if Ben had died.  Everything they\'d had and been was gone to his lover, existing only in his mind now, and he felt betrayed and lonelier than he had the whole time Ben was gone from him.  It hurt to look at what he\'d been left with and so he stared into the desert and did his best to not feel like so much glass shattered and flung across a bloodstained road.

Of course, he needed to be strong.  He needed to think clearly and act responsibly now.  He needed to be aware of and sympathetic to Ben\'s fragility at this nexus of confusion - and he was, he just... was having trouble working past his own.  There was movement and voices over where Samuel and Sabrina were - he and Ben really weren\'t that far away - and he supposed that Jack would be making an appearance soon.

It spurred him into more concentrated stamping down of his own feelings and mental disparity, pushing it all into a box for examination at a later date.  It occurred to him in that moment that he\'d not been told to go because of Jack at all, but because of Ben.  Jack wasn\'t the danger here, Ben was.  If Kerr told him too much all at once, he might have some sort of mental breakdown or snap free of sanity - those feelings were already itching at the very back of his own mind, for God\'s sake.

Kerr swallowed, completed the dragging of his fingers through his hair, allowed his hands to fall in the gap between his knees, rolled his shoulders and looked up at Ben.  As he did, it further occurred to him that he could be very selective about what he said to his love now.  He was a fresh slate, without violation or corruption; untainted and - if Kerr could help it - it would stay that way.

"Ben, you need to know that this is not that same night.  That night happened quite a while ago in the past.  Declan did cut into you that night but it was nothing to do with punishment - when he cut you, he passed the mark of a very particular creature onto you, and the creature passed into you.  Tonight, you and Jakra - or Jack, as he\'s commonly known - were finally separated and it seems that the ceremony has taken your memories of everything that happened in between that night and this one with it.  A lot has happened in that time, a lot that I don\'t want to tell you about right here and now, because I think it would leave you... well, it would be too much, all at once."

Kerr licked his lips and got to his feet, brushing the seat of his pants free of sand as he did, his mind a whirling, buzzing automaton of calculation and prediction right then.  "This will be very hard for you to understand, I know that, but I need you to trust me.  I don\'t want you talking to anyone until I\'ve told you everything, so I\'d like to drive you back to the hotel and then come back and get the others, alright?" he enquired, nodding at the distant figures of Sabrina and Samuel, though his gaze stayed fixed on Ben.

"We can talk on the way.  There are things you need to know, but I think it might be best if you ask, so that way you\'ve had time to prepare yourself for the answer you\'re going to get.  You\'ll be shocked by all of them, I know you will.  Okay?" he queried, moving forward so that he could close the back door of the car and herd Ben towards the front passenger seat of the vehicle.  The drive back to their communal hotel was short - he\'d drive slowly getting there but speed his ass off on the way back, no doubt, so the round trip would only be about ten minutes.  It would be enough time to come back for Jack and let him know he wasn\'t abandoning him.

Plus, Kerr wanted to know if this memory loss was going to be shared... or if he\'d still have one friend left to him.

[Trillian]

"He... He..." Samuel stammered, unable to continue for he no longer knew if Jack was going to take on the image of the one that was sacrificed on his behalf.  "He\'s supposed to look like the one that sunk into the earth for him," he said, repeating the information that he\'d been given.  Technically, Ben had sunk into the earth, he simply hadn\'t stayed in there long, but... was it enough?

It would take almost an hour before the full penumbral eclipse was over, and he suspected that it would be once the eclipse reached finality that Jack would make an appearance.  It was his most educated guess.  After all, the light that had sucked him into the earth seemed to have happened at exactly the time the full eclipse had begun - once Samuel had thought to check his watch.  Wasn\'t the sacrifice supposed to stay in the ground during that duration though?

"I imagine, in less than an hour, we\'ll discover if the sacrifice was enough," he managed, feeling surreal and hopeless, his voice unable to contain any genuine sincerity that he believed these words.  It had been dishonourable, to cheat Jack out of the body he\'d been promised with the ritual of the mark.

Ben, who could also see the outline of Sabrina and Samuel in the distance but not realising exactly how far they were, was also not looking their way, but at Kerr instead, with an expression of utter confusion.

Even as Kerr spoke, Ben caught most of it - or at least, the most important part of it.  As he\'d been cut, some kind of possession had taken place, and somebody else had taken control of his body.  This was how Ben understood it.  He wondered briefly what had been done with his form whilst he\'d not been in control of it, not realising that it was only recently that he\'d not retained full control, and he\'d been himself up until a few months ago.  Kerr was also trying to tell him that it had been a long time.  A long time?  Had he been possessed for a month?  Six months?  A whole year?  He found such a thing dreadful to imagine.  Had he missed his twentieth birthday?

"So... I wasn\'t me?" he confirmed, finding himself shepherded into the passenger seat and feeling uncomfortable in the clothes he\'d been handed.  Once in the vehicle, he looked around for a bottle of water, opening the glove box, then the centre console, until Kerr joined him, seated beside him.  "I need something to drink," he said offhandedly, not realising that Kerr would take it to mean something different than the ordinary swallow of water.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, knowing that Ben - well, Jack - had fed well before the ritual but supposing that that the event might have taken away a lot of the benefits of the three mortals he\'d drunk from by now.  Still, it seemed odd, but was not the highest priority for him, as far as answering went, just then.

"No, you were yourself until about... oh, I guess about six months ago, when the impulse to pass on Jack\'s mark to another mortal began to influence you strongly.  You only lost yourself completely three moths ago, when we tried to figure out what was wrong with you and went to see a supernatural doctor.  He gave you a necklace that you put on and it basically suppressed you, letting him be in charge of your body."

He pressed his lips together when he finished speaking, unsure if he\'d said too much or enough to wipe away his love\'s confusion.  He\'d expected Ben to ask first and foremost how long the gap between the night of the trial and tonight was, but it was apparently not going to be that easy.  He just about spent more time glancing at Ben than he did the road.

[Trillian]

Ben listened to Kerr\'s explanation, but was horrified at the amount of time that had passed finally came to be mentioned.

"I was out for six months?" he almost shrieked.  It wasn\'t quite a shriek, but his voice certainly rose in pitch, even as he moved about in the car seat, in order to stare at Kerr directly, instead of merely turned his head.  His back was to the car window, and he ignored the terrain that began to slip them by.  Six months was a long time to be possessed by a demon

he said not a demon but
I don\'t know what else could possess me
if there\'s some kind of ritual mark on my back?

He self-consciously reached around to his back and swiped at himself with the back of his hand, but could feel nothing apart from the shirt he\'d put on - and once his hand stole underneath the shirt, he felt nothing but smooth flesh.

Was Kerr lying?  To serve what purpose?  Was this a part of his punishment too?  Had the Oligarchy put him up to this?  Was Kerr supposed to alienate him so that they didn\'t spend time with each other anymore?

"What happened to Mandy?" he asked now, wondering if she\'d been buried somewhere else.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr ignored the final question in order to prompt the one that needed to be asked.  "Ben... it\'s been a lot longer than six months since the night you remember," he warned, leaving it there.  He needed to be asked, but Ben also needed to be a little bit prepared for the answer.  Kerr\'s very serious, very hesitant tone told him that clearly.

[Trillian]

A lot longer than six months.

Ben considered Kerr\'s words with the same seriousness as they\'d been uttered to him.

A lot longer than six months.

How much longer was a lot?  It seemed to him by Kerr\'s phrasing and gentle yet vague declaration that there was at least a year in there.  Double the time was a lot longer.  What about triple?  What about quadruple?  Had he been out of control of his body for two years?  Three?  Five?  More?

Looking down at his hands on his lap he didn\'t think they looked much different.  A bit lighter in the skin tone, like he\'d kept to his nightly routine of visiting Kerr.  When had Kerr known that he\'d been possessed by something ancient?  When he\'d drunk his blood?  When Ben had first spoken and it hadn\'t sounded like him?  Kerr hadn\'t known him all that well in the single week they\'d been together, so had he been suspicious and scanned his mind only to find some other entity thinking foreign thoughts?

He struggled with the concept of it, and suddenly didn\'t want to know.  If he looked in a mirror, would he be looking at a nineteen year old face, or a thirty year old face?  That would be much too difficult to deal with.  Very suddenly, he didn\'t want to look in any mirrors or know the truth - not just yet.

He focussed instead on what Kerr had told him about Samuel and Jack.  Samuel he still didn\'t really know about, was it a friend he\'d made, or one that Kerr had made?  Was he supposed to know him?

Jack.  That was a shortening of the other name Kerr had first given him, but for the life of him Ben couldn\'t remember what the other version was.  He only remembered Jack, \'as he was commonly known\'.  That was who\'d been running around in his skin, wearing these weird clothes.  It had been the creature - whatever Kerr meant by creature certainly hadn\'t sounded human - living experiences in Ben\'s body.

It was something he felt mildly violated about.  Only mildly because he still couldn\'t wrap his mind around the full concept of it.

He kept his silence, now understanding the strength of any questions he had to ask.  He\'d always been the type to ask many questions (or so he had been, when he\'d first met Kerr, which was who he was now), but that desire faded very quickly when he knew the answers would be disturbing and personal.

He would keep his silence throughout the drive to their motel, whether it be ten minutes or ten hours.

[Harlequin]

Of all the possibilities the halfbreed had contemplated, the one Samuel described was the last she\'d expected.  "He\'ll look like Ben."

A grimace twisted her features as she considered the possibility, now, as reality. She supposed it was better than the Golem she\'d thought most likely, but it would certainly be...problematic, to say the very least. She sighed as she watched Kerr\'s tailights disappear. "So we wait."  

He\'d used the collective, so she used it, too – and had absolutely no intention of leaving until something happened.

After a short pause, she asked "Will he be vampire, as well?" Her tone was one of simple interest, and she turned simply interested eyes back on the acolyte, not fully expecting him to know the answer – keeping him talking so he wouldn\'t have time to think about what had happened.

[Trillian]

"He will be reborn," Samuel said, and such words sparked a litany that he\'d memorised from his parents.  "He will be reborn, and he will discover the earth that is his soul.  He will live and breathe, learn and teach, laugh and cry, until his mortal death where he will return to the earth that is both him and his home."  He was pensive for a moment, thinking that his words had supplied an answer to her question indirectly, yet directly as well, for the earth would not bear the fruits of death, but rather life.  Vampirism wasn\'t what the earth was about; it was of sustenance, nurturing, revitalising, full of rich resource and also of planetary ire - of earthquakes and volcanoes, which Samuel had always imagined was the earth\'s nightmare as it slept, or of a shifting to get comfortable.  Vampirism was the opposite of the earth - how strange that a dead being could carry a lifeforce within it.  "It is an honour to carry his mark, to have him in your soul, sleeping.  Not everyone is able to remain unaffected.  Those who cannot cope tend to pass him on - a natural instinct that moves beyond the ritual."

He was talking a great deal, but he found Sabrina easy to speak to, with her magnificent presence even in silence.  She listened to his every word, he knew this, and perhaps this was why he felt aligned to her so; it was the nature of his order to reign followers and devotees to his cause.  He\'d been unsuccessful (and even in his success of having Sabrina listen to him and believe his words, he knew that she evaded the title of \'follower\' utterly, so that it was laughable to think she would follow him - but she might follow Jack, if she was a true witch - for didn\'t true witches devote themselves to the natural magicks of nature and devote their ways to the earth and moon?

"When he is reborn, you will recognise him, but not because he looks like Ben," Samuel told her now, his gaze unwavering from the marked soil before them.  "But because of who you are, what you are, and what he is."

[Existentially Odd]

It was only about five minutes later when they pulled up at their hotel.  Kerr parked and told the valet to leave the vehicle there, as he was only performing a quick drop-off and would be right back, while he opened Ben\'s door for him like he always did.  His undead heart squeezed once more to see his love looking more like himself... but too much like his old self, really.  He was like a bewildered puppy in a circle of wolves and his expression showed that he was becoming overwhelmed.

Silently, he led Ben through the expensive lobby towards the lifts and pressed the buttons to a mid-level floor that didn\'t have too many windows (but thick, thick curtains) after they\'d stepped in.  It was a relatively short trip down the hallway to his room and he swiped the card efficiently, opening the door for Ben to enter first.  He followed and was again stung by irony\'s barb when he came to the realisation that he\'d not booked another room for Ben, for he\'d believed that the king-sized bed would be shared eagerly, their reunion long and passionate.  There would be no passion, though; there hadn\'t even been a fucking reunion, for that matter.

Standing awkwardly behind Ben, toying with the rental car\'s keys, Kerr felt obligated to speak, even though he hadn\'t been asked any more questions.  "I\'m going to leave you here to... get your head around things.  I\'ll... uh, go back for the others.  I should warn you... " he began bravely but petered off as the news he was about to share stuck in his throat.  He bit his lip, not wanting to say it, knowing that he had to, and eventually found the gumption to continue.

"Jack... is going to look exactly like you.  A different personality and a different species, of course, but your exact replica... because of the ritual.  We... won\'t head back to the city until tomorrow night and I can keep you separate from him if you like - he and Samuel can take a different flight to us - but if you want to talk to him and ask him questions... well, I\'ll leave it up to you," he finished solemnly, with a little nod.  He glanced around himself, as if remembering he might need to give a few more instructions, then looking seriously back at Ben.

"This is my room, where you\'ll stay the day.  If you want to be alone, I\'ll stay with one of the others, there\'s no pressure there, okay?  I\'d prefer it if... you didn\'t leave the room before I get back and can go with you, as well, but you\'re not a prisoner," he offered a lacklustre laugh and attempted a smile that didn\'t carry.  "Go out if you want to, but I won\'t be too long and then we can take care of any desire you\'ve built up by then - for sustenance or clothes or... whatever, alright?" he queried, with a hopeful shrug of his shoulders.

It was all so strained and painful, though; when it appeared that Ben was only going to nod and stare hauntedly at him for the time being, he handed the room card over and made his hasty escape.  The whole situation felt like the room was pressing in on him, four walls moving inward simultaneously, like in those corny adventure flicks where the adventurers get trapped inside closing-in pyramid rooms and caves.  He practically ran back to the car and he wound the window down as he drove back towards the desert at breakneck speed, just about sticking his head out to cop the wind in his face.  It eased the pressure slightly, but it made him aware of the fact that he was only hanging on by a very slim thread... and when he saw Jack, he felt that that thread might very well snap.

He was there in no time, and parked where he had before, the lay of the land preventing him from getting the four wheel drive any closer to the ritual site.  He could see, as he approached, that Sabrina and Samuel hadn\'t shifted position much, were still just conversing inanely while they watched the spot in the sand where Jack had sunk, waiting.  He tucked his finger tips into the front pockets of his jeans as he walked but he didn\'t hurry.  All the haste had gone out of him.  He felt like he needed to dawdle his way over to them, keep himself to himself for a little longer.  The thought of saying the words, "Ben doesn\'t remember the past three years.  He has no recollection of our relationship or... anything," caused his throat to constrict and he didn\'t think he\'d be able to get them out without losing it.

It was exactly like sharing the news of a loved one dying, only he wasn\'t dead but he wasn\'t who everyone remembered and it just hurt because nothing had gone to plan.  Again.  Typically, everything was haywire and fucked up with his life yet again, but this time there seemed no solution - unless Jack had the memories.  Maybe some sort of ceremony could get them transferred... but then, did he want that?  Ahh, it was all too hard just yet.  Too hard in the mourning stage, where all he wanted was someone to hug him and tell him they were sorry and maybe help him believe that a little of it would be alright again, eventually, someday.  Right now, he just felt like curling up in a ball somewhere and crying, because that thread was very, very thin and fraying faster the closer he got to those with whom he would have to converse.

So he dawdled and thought and tried to keep himself composed.

[Harlequin]

Human, then; which made the most sense, considering what she already knew of the ritual.  She pursed her lips, and nodded.

Sabrina owed allegiance to the Earth, yes, and to the moon, but also to the places beyond either; to the Blackness, the Untouched Lands, the Dreamtime, and others. She was a devotee of many discplines, and bound strictly to now one plane. By default, she could be classified as a follower of Jakra\'s,  in his spiritual aspect (which was widedly considered feminine), but not him alone. She suspected he could still do some nasty things to her through the bonds she did have with the Earth, if he meant what she thought he might by "who and what she was".

Ater that, the time was passed with sporadic, superfluous conversation fo no real import, until Kerr made his reappearance. She looked up when she scented Kerr on the cold desert wind, and smiled.

The smile faded as he approached, however. His steps dragged as if he were approaching the gallows, and -- try as he might to hide his pain as he approached -- the emotions in his eyes were not those of someone who had just been reunited with the the love of their life.

[Trillian]

Samuel took little notice of the third in their party, salvaging little forgiveness to the one who\'d selfishly interfered with the ritual.  Faith, he should have faith, that Jakra was strong enough to surpass such a blow - but he relied on the ritual to bring him forth.  That might be the thing that failed him.

"Did he wear the mark on his skin, when you pulled him out?" he asked, speaking as if to the ground itself for that was where his gaze was fixed, though his words were quite obviously to Kerr.  He hadn\'t seen Ben\'s back, too lost in his fear and after a short time was brought to his senses by the witch.  In that time he\'d lost his chance to see if the mark had been transferred.  If Kerr said the mark was gone, then he had more hope.  If it remained, well, Samuel could always take the boy again for the next eclipse and make sure he stayed down by being the only one present.  Either way led to a potential success.

As Kerr approached the pair in the desert, Ben toured the hotel room he\'d been given.  It was funny how he was craving Kerr\'s presence right now.  Not so funny, perhaps, because of the situation he was in and not wanting to be alone (yet not ready to ask questions), but he hadn\'t expected to feel such a desire so physically.  The further time passed, the more he felt a tugging need to be with Kerr, but then it remained an ebb of a kind, like he was getting over it emotionally.  What he didn\'t realise was this was when Kerr had stopped driving away and was now walking slowly on foot for a short distance.

Kerr had seemed no different to him when speaking in that nervous fashion, except that Ben had picked up on his concern.  Concern about a hotel room though?  He moved from the room door to the bed, not even glancing at the other door he passed that was likely to take him to a bathroom, where there was probably a mirror.  In the privacy of his room, he stuck a hand down the front of his jeans in order to adjust himself.  The tightness of the pants wasn\'t a usual thing and they seemed to press him everywhere.  What kind of person was Jack to flaunt Ben\'s body like that?  It was around this moment that Ben felt a thought hit him, much like a slap in the face.

Had Jack had sex?  Had he used Ben\'s body and had sex?  With clothes like these, it showed he was unafraid to announce his physical appearance.  Had he shared Ben\'s body with others?  It was about now that Ben began to understand the full impact of Jack\'s overtaking his form.  He hugged himself, his hands holding his upper arms.  How long?  How long had this gone on for?

Now he suddenly and quite ferociously needed to know.  Kerr wasn\'t here to answer his questions so all he had left was the mirror.  He turned on his heel and stared at the closed door which he believed held some answers to his questions.

How long?

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr stared hard at Samuel as he ambled over to them, sensing his hostility and instinctively reacting to it because it was an easier emotion to grasp and use than hopelessness.  He needed some empowerment just then.

"No he didn\'t wear the mark," the elder vampire sneered, subconsciously knowing that bristling like this wasn\'t constructive but unable to stop himself.  His fingertips left his jeans pockets and curled into loose fists by his side.  "It\'s gone, just like everything\'s gone, his whole fucking memory is gone, from the time that cunt cut the stupid fucking mark into him, to fucking now, it\'s all fucking gone," Kerr snarled, steadily approaching Samuel as he spoke and getting so worked up with the power and passion he put into his words that he ended up looming over the mortal and glaring hatefully at him as if all the ills in the world could be put upon this one man\'s shoulders.

He was aware that Sabrina was watching and was possibly horrified by his vicious and childish display, but he could no more stop himself snapping than he could stop that moon reappearing in a short while.  Part of him hoped that Samuel would take a swing or try to shove him away or that Sabrina would step in and use her doubtless strength on him so he could add a physical element to his outrage; the rest of him was quietly humiliated by his behaviour.  He was at his wit\'s end and looking for something to bring him the hope that had leaked out of his world the moment his lover had asked what had happened at the trial.

"Does that make you fucking happy, Samuel?  Is it a good sign for your fucking pinup boy?  \'Cause I\'ll tell you fucking something for nothing, man, if Jack has those memories, I am going to do everything in my fucking power to get them the fuck out of his head and back where they belong, if I have to use a fucking spoon and a laser to fucking do it!!"  He was so far in Samuel\'s face that his nose was mashed against the mortal\'s, his method of delivery having changed from a growl through gritted teeth back to yelling despite the proximity.  He was poking an imperious finger into the mortal\'s chest to go with it by now, too - an inciteful action, to hasten the physical stuff.