Settling Dust

[Existentially Odd]

The night after the ritual that had simultaneously brought Ben back, forced Jack into being and rent Kerr Galvin\'s world asunder saw the Irishman awaking from a very heavy, very sound slumber.  When he\'d left Jack\'s room the night before (because conversation had stalled around the fact that Jack wanted to linger in the desert and Kerr didn\'t and neither could think up a decent compromise, so the vampire had retreated after a brief kiss), he hadn\'t expected to sleep.  All his prior history with fretting over Ben and tangoing with heartache had convinced him that the day would be spent restlessly and with no real peace gained.

Thankfully, about that, he\'d been entirely wrong.

By the time he awoke, the sun had well and truly set and a little flare of panic mobilised him from his lethargy when he realised that his fledgling was left to greet a new night and new desires for blood alone.  He showered again simply because his brain felt sluggish; it was really little more than a stepping beneath hot water to energise him before he was out and towelling dry vigourously.  He applied cologne and dressed in his suit in record time, pondering the wisdom of the clothing choice now but unable to change it.

He was knocking on the door of Ben\'s room downstairs ten minutes after his eyelids had first lifted, automatically tuning in to his fledgling\'s emotions so that he could be prepared for what sort of mood he was in.

[Trillian]

Ben had spent the rest of the night thinking.  The space granted him was necessary as he turned things over in his mind.  He wondered if coma victims felt as misplaced as he did, if they questioned their sleep, wondered about what dreams they\'d had.  He couldn\'t remember anything, and he recalled thinking that a coma patient was luckier than he was - because at least they knew that nothing had happened to them personally in the time they\'d taken a time out.  Ben had some person running around in his skin, pretending to be him, making relationships with people who he knew.  People like Kerr.  Strong enough relationships to be sired by him, succeeding in something he hadn\'t managed.  Mind, all he knew of Kerr was six days.  Did this mean that Kerr would have little to do with him?  After all, the person he\'d declared having a relationship with looked like Ben, and was now separate to him, in his own version of Ben\'s body.  Why would Kerr want another person in that?

It was these thoughts that chased Ben in slumber, and it was in sleep that he had vivid dreams of reality; of visiting other countries, of living in his own apartment, of mailing keys, of a blonde statuesque male vampire who seemed to leer at everything.  As soon as he woke - by the knock upon his door - he remembered none of these dreams, but he woke up unsettled.

He was already dressed in cotton boxers, simple clothing that he didn\'t recognise as his though they seemed something he would buy.  Getting out of bed was easy, though there was this gnawing in his body, like an itch he couldn\'t place, which made scratching necessary but impossible.  He recognised it as thirst, only because he found himself hoping that someone mortal was behind the door - like room service.  He knew instantly that it was Kerr, by the invisible pulsing he felt at the very core of himself, deeper than the itching that was hunger.

He pulled the door open and looked up at the well-dressed vampire that was his sire.  He found himself wondering why Kerr would fancy himself up like this first thing in the morning.

But of course, it wasn\'t morning.  It was evening.

"Hello," he said, too stunned to say anything else and feeling absurdly underdressed.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled and he felt calm, seeing Ben looking young and bewildered, freshly awoken.  He\'d have recognised that look anywhere, had snuggled into it hundreds of times, and experienced a wash of deep, abiding affection because of it now.  He knew in that instant that he truly wouldn\'t stop loving the boy and he was well with that; he was only less when trying to deny it.  The love made him more, made him strong and he could keep it to himself, he was sure.

"Evening," he murmured, raising his eyebrows in the manner of enticement.  "I was thinking you might want some help in acquiring... sustenance?  Would you like to dine out or in?" he asked mischievously, willing to bring a mortal to Ben if that was requested, or accompany him on an excursion onto the city streets.

[Trillian]

Ben\'s lips skewed into something of a half-smile, though the rest of his expression didn\'t match.  It made him look like he was scoffing at Kerr\'s words, though such an accusation would be far too harsh, for within it was a measure of disbelief.

"Dine... out," he said, making his decision on the fly.  Less convenient, certainly, but he was assured that if things went awry he wouldn\'t be faced with quite as many repurcussions.  He knew, in that instant, that Kerr\'s feeding from him was over.  This was like a cold wash in his face and he blinked from it.  The reaction was so blatent that it would be impossible to miss, but he turned away from the door and retreated into the room, showing Kerr his flawless back and speaking over his shoulder.  "Come in, if you like," he invited, trying to sound natural and ending up sounding forced because of it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr did so, closing the door behind him and strolling into the room, tucking his hands into his pants pockets and striking a casually elegant pose against a wall while he waited for Ben to get dressed.  He found a neutral place on the wall to look at so that he wasn\'t seen to be staring or being too imposing but he was peripherally aware of the boy\'s movements regardless.

"I was thinking... " he began but didn\'t immediately launch into his thoughts until he sensed that Ben had stopped to listen to him.  "You may not have thought about it, but the plan after the ritual was for all of us to return to the city on my plane.  Together.  It\'s a big plane - big enough you can have your choice of places to be alone - but if you don\'t want to spend that time in a confined space with Jack and Samuel, you don\'t have to.  It is a couple of hours; there can be multiple flights, if that would be more comfortable for you?"

The sire chanced a glance at his fledgling, to garner a few visual clues as to what he thought of this offer.  "I only ask now because I want to alert the pilot so he can post multiple flight plans and he\'ll need a bit of notice," Kerr explained apologetically, his smile still soft and approving.

[Trillian]

Ben pulled on a pair of shorts over his boxers and had lifted a t-shirt out of a drawer when Kerr spoke about the plane and how things had been organised.

My plane?
He has his own plane?
It\'s a big plane
I thought all private planes were jets, aren\'t jets small?
I don\'t have to see Jack and Samuel
Jack, who looks like me
But wears different clothes
Do I mind?
I don\'t think I mind

His mind turned a few things over at Kerr\'s statement, and because they were at the top of his head, they were sent out as messages to nobody in particular.  Ben didn\'t mean to send them, it was the way his thought process worked - though Kerr would recognise the problem, because Ben had been through it before, and had constructed a mental barricade to stop such things from happening.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr ensured that all traces of bemusement were off his face before he said anything, for Ben wouldn\'t enjoy the thought that he was mocking him.  He wasn\'t, but a smile was a smile and the reminiscence of Ben reverting to his old ways seemed to be bringing such reactions forth constantly.  There was some delight to be found, after all, in starting over.

"Ben... I, uh, hear your thoughts because you\'re projecting them.  It\'s not a terrible thing, but telepathic beings find it annoying.  You, uh, found that out when you were first sired," he pointed out, his smile fading as he became more thoughtful.  Ben had been through all this learning before, he\'d been through the teaching, but it had hardly been a smooth process the first time, considering Ben had been living with Arles and Kerr had been doing his damndest to seduce Ben into being with him.
 
It had got very, very messy, resulting in Ben running away to live with Lazarus so that he could learn to, essentially, cut his heart out, leaving Kerr frantic and ashamed of his own behaviour.  A lot had changed since then and a lot still had to, but Kerr was determined that things wouldn\'t get out of hand again.  In that sense, this memory wipe was a blessing.
 
"Obviously I\'m going to have to teach you to use your powers and control your considerable mental ability again but... should I tell you as I did the first time and let you discover, or just tell you what worked for you in the end?" he asked awkwardly, recalling that all his teaching about Ben blocking his mental projections had yielded no success until Ben himself had discovered his floodgate image.  Then he\'d been off and flying.  Should Kerr jump right in and say what had worked, or allow the process of discovery to occur again, though?  It had to be Ben\'s decision and his expression was placid as he waited for his answer, poised to give some initial instruction.

[Trillian]

The subject change threw him.  He\'d finished pulling the t-shirt over his head and had been yanking down on the hem when Kerr began talking about reading his thoughts.  He\'d barely had time to think them, and hadn\'t even replied about the plane flight options presented to him before Kerr gave him a new series of issues to consider.

Stunned, he stared at Kerr throughout the explanation, eventually holding the opposite elbows in the palms of each of his hands, presenting a posture of folded arms though it wasn\'t quite.  He was frowning also as it dawned on him the repurcussions of such information.

He was angry.  He was quite suddenly and ferociously angry, and because he had nobody to direct it at except for Kerr, it materialised in a glare at his sire.  He was angry at the situation; he was angry at not remembering the last three years, he was angry that Declan had made him a part of some freaky ritual and had him possessed with some freaky thing, he was angry that the freaky thing looked like him, he was angry that Kerr had seemed to like it enough to sire it while it was in Ben\'s body, he was angry that he didn\'t seem to know what was going on around him and he was angry that he had no home that he knew and no life that he recognised.  The fact he was finally a vampire was a consolation prize - one hell of a consolation prize sure, but it was a fucked up way of getting it.

"Just tell me what worked," he seethed, barely able to move his mouth and knowing that he was speaking through a clenched jaw and unable to stop himself from doing it.  No doubt Kerr would be bewildered by his emotions, but fuck it - he was angry at Kerr anyway for making him feel awkward in bed.  God, he was still fucking embarrassed from touching him and now he had to deal with the fact that Kerr was in a relationship with his twin.

It was fucking weird, and Ben was angry.

[Existentially Odd]

On the contrary, Kerr was intrigued by the anger - and also appeased by it.  It signalled to him that Ben was coming out of his numb state of shock.  The anger vibrating off him was tangible and Kerr relished it, soaking it in like a sponge whose role it was to absorb all negative feelings.

He felt that anger and that frustration also and had found distance from it in sleep, but no solace.  it was still there inside him, wrapped in bewilderment and locked inside the black box that was his heart with all the other emotions he wasn\'t allowed to feel because Ben wouldn\'t be able to comprehend them.  He couldn\'t let his out but he could revel in Ben\'s.  Vicarious expression would be better than nothing.

"A floodgate," he said simply, but didn\'t allow it to have the impact it should before he spoke again - quickly, so as to antagonise Ben further.  He remained where he was, casually leaning against the wall, but if Ben should take a step then he would too, wanting to meet him, to push him, to allow him to let his feelings out.  "Tell me why you\'re angry."  It was nicely said, but an order nonetheless.

[Trillian]

It might\'ve been an order, but Ben wasn\'t interested in telling Kerr anything when he wasn\'t being told anything helpful even when asked.  What the hell was Kerr\'s problem?  He either ran at the mouth with confusing crap that Ben didn\'t understand when given a very simple question, or he gave one word answers when Ben had requested to be told what worked.

Thank you so much
so helpful
not
What\'s the point of telling me one word?
Are you being petty?
Is that about being petty?
Are you getting revenge on me because I don\'t want you to tell me about
there is no
us?

A floodgate?  What did such a thing mean?  He imagined one now, from pictures of the Hoover Dam, and sent the imagery to Kerr without realising.  In his mind\'s eye, he could see the water pouring out of it because it was open.  Gallons and gallons of water.

Is that my thoughts
Is that what he means
Does he hear the rambling in my head
It never stops but it\'s my own voice
Does he hear my voice in his head
Does he hear this

The floodgate had to close, but he couldn\'t imagine that right now - he was too emotional, and so it poured out of him at Kerr without his wanting to, though he didn\'t try too hard, for he wanted Kerr to feel his anger.  He felt like it was spite, and bitterness, and resentment, but it was more than that.  It was frustration, and mourning as well, but Ben wasn\'t educated enough in psychology to interpret his own true feelings.  The anger was foremost and so that was what he believed he felt.  Answering Kerr\'s question - even if he\'d wanted to - was impossible.

"A floodgate," he repeated, hearing the tone in his voice and knowing he was sending off his angry signals, but he was both unable to and also no longer desiring to hide it.

[Existentially Odd]

Now, Kerr did move, approaching Ben on naturally graceful feet, withdrawing hands from his pockets as he went.  "Yes," he said succinctly, the hiss from the final consonant echoing in the room slightly as he strode over.  He didn\'t want to explain the concept any further just then because he felt it was more valuable for him to be able to openly hear Ben\'s frustrated thinking - it didn\'t insult him, it relieved him.

"You didn\'t answer my question," he pressed, looking intently into Ben\'s eyes and looming over him to increase the pressure.  His voice remained soft but there was an urgency to his words, an undertone of iciness that proclaimed he would not relent until he got the answers he wanted.  "Why are you angry?"

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t allow the closing.  As Kerr approached, he backed away.  When he had nowhere else to back away he turned his shoulder and looked away instead, and did everything in his power to defer Kerr from himself.

"Don\'t you think I have reason for it?" he asked, replying with a question because he didn\'t want to analyse himself now.  Was Kerr so unreasonable that Ben wasn\'t allowed to be angry?

[Existentially Odd]

"I think you have many, many reasons for it," Kerr told him calmly, allowing a foot or so of space between them but still staring intently at his fledgling.  "I\'d like you to voice your anger... because I\'m pretty sure I share it and it would be nice for me to know that I\'m not alone in this."  His voice was soft and beseeching at the end, begging Ben to vent.

[Trillian]

Ben wasn\'t the type to vent, however.  Kerr\'s words did more to soften his anger than it did to allow him to let off steam.  He was angry too.  Okay.  It was likely because he now had a fledgling on his hands he didn\'t know.  He\'d sired some other guy, and now Ben was in his place.  Ben had taken a holiday and now he\'d come back, making things difficult for everyone.  It was his body though, he\'d staked his claim on it.

"What made you change your mind?" he asked suddenly, shifting in order to move around Kerr, to keep more space between them.  "What was the biggest reason you had to sire me?" he asked, not stopping until he reached the bed and sat down upon it.

Last Ben had heard, Kerr hadn\'t been willing to sire anyone.  Ever.

[Existentially Odd]

It took a great deal of restraint for Kerr not to reach out and grab Ben\'s arm as he moved past him to sit on the bed; oh, how he wanted to squeeze and prod and push.  His Ben would\'ve told him what he wanted to hear, because Declan had thusly trained him.  This Ben... was not broken.  He pondered it as he went and sat beside his fledgling.

"Halen had a great deal of admiration for you, you know, because of the trial.  You went looking for another sire when you believed I wouldn\'t sire you and when you came before him to ask permission, Halen manipulated it so that I would see you and realise what was happening.  He gave you a carte blanche letter stating that you could have any sire you wished.  When it finally came down to it... when Arles was about to sire you...  you came to my house and begged me... and I couldn\'t refuse you," he admitted, swallowing the lump that had suddenly come to his throat.  "I couldn\'t let you be someone else\'s."

He hoped he hadn\'t said too much; to him, he\'d glossed over so many of the events that had occurred that Ben surely couldn\'t be angry with too much information... but he wasn\'t certain.  Thinking of it made him emotional.  If he had his time again, he\'d have agreed to sire Ben the night he first visited his house, after they\'d met at Risk.  Everything would have been so much simpler if he\'d just followed his gut instinct.