Schism

[Existentially Odd]

(Following \'Aidelon\')

Kerr lay down with Ben long before that fatal dawn; carried him to bed with warm blood flowing in both their veins, smiles on their faces, lust in their bodies and love in their hearts.  They fell asleep still smiling, satisfied and oblivious, content with each other and their place in the world as they knew it to be at that exact moment.

When Kerr awoke, it was not thus.

In the shadowy place where his dreams blurred with reality, where sleep slithered out of his mind and consciousness pooled in to fill up the negative of its retreat, he knew that something was not right but could not place it.  His heart was heavy, his cheeks stained with the tracks of dried up, bloody tears and there was more than the usual sadness inside him.

There was loss and a chasm filled with heartache that was as broad as the land and deep as the Earth, it seemed.  There was emptiness, too, coating the chasm, prodding the ache, tweaking the loss.  He couldn\'t understand these feelings, these pockets loaded with black things that wanted to consume his soul and suck him into their ichor forever; it was a heaviness in all his limbs, a cloud in all his dreams, a sun poised to burn and rend and ruin.

He shied from it even while it sang to him to tend it and, eventually he surfaced out of the depths of slumber and was left bobbing in the tides of wakefulness.  He opened his eyes then, because he knew.

Such a great and agonising pain stabbed into his heart that he shuddered and clutched at his chest like it was being attacked.  His mouth was a gaping, slack void of soundless despair, his eyes filling with tears.  He shuddered again, curling forward, noticing Ben\'s frowning face turned towards him as he bent, troubled in his sleep as well, before Kerr saw only his own knees in his blurred vision.  He froze then, silently screaming and curled into the foetal position.

Everything in him reached out, pushed into the world with insane need but retreated back into him cold and untouched, trying to placate him by stroking Ben, recoiling when that connection was rejected.  Empty.  It was everywhere around him and everything inside him, he was nothing and no-one, they were gone and he was a hollowed-out scarecrow man made of hard flesh.  His gutted innards felt as if they\'d been scooped out and left plopped at his feet, everything scraped clean and sterile.

Very suddenly, air filled his lungs and he uncurled simultaneously, his face scrunched up, head thrown back and every tendon in his throat strained as he clutched at his chest and let out an agony-filled, undulating keen that reverberated in the walls around the bedroom, filling it with the sorrow that was too large for his fragile body to contain.  His hurt was enormous, it was a wound gouged fresh on a four hundred year old construct, it billowed out of him like a monster and bounced into his ears where it echoed and crawled back out his mouth again.

When the air in his lungs was emptied, he didn\'t draw any more, he simply lay there, a knotted picture of despair, curled at all the wrong angles, trying his best to process why they were gone, why there was deadness, how it could be fixed.

[Trillian]

The howl woke Ben much earlier than he would\'ve naturally, though he\'d slept uneasily as well.  There had been strange dreams, none of which he could remember except for the last image in his head of a swordsman cutting through a thick chain with a hefty axe, and the sound it made upon breaking was so terrible that Ben opened his eyes.

At first he was disoriented, unsure what he was looking at, for he was half-turned towards the pillow and all he could see was white.  Lifting his head, he felt strange and disconnected - but not in the way he\'d been so far, not with the numb emotions.  In fact, he could feel something, a loss to mourn for, but he had no idea what it was.

His gaze found Kerr and he knew that whatever it was that was affecting him this way, was stronger in his sire.  Had something happened in the Oligarchy?  Was there another war?  Kerr had spoken briefly of it, but Ben thought they\'d fixed it, that it was over.  What was going on?

"Kerr?" he asked, hearing his voice as if from a distance, and shuffled over to his sire and lover in order to touch him into awareness.  "What\'s happened?" he asked, and he could hear the sleep leaving his voice and the sharpness of the question entering it.

[Existentially Odd]

It seemed that, like all waves, this swell of anguish would pass, but it held Kerr in a paroxysm of grief until it did.  Ben\'s voice penetrated his frantic mind (which wouldn\'t stop seeking and recoiling, to no avail) but he remained locked up still for a few more moments until he could unclench his muscles and move.

When he did, everything hurt worse; it was like the softening of his tendons, ligaments and muscles only allowed pores and gaps that the sorrow could rush into and his heart tore at him anew as he groped blindly for Ben.  He got hands on his fledgling\'s shoulders and his forehead pressed against Ben\'s collarbone, the rest of his body burrowing automatically towards his lover, seeking comfort and some sort of relief from the pain that just seemed to keep pulsing through it.

He sucked in a ragged breath in order to reply, his mind too numb with shock for him to communicate that way (though normally it would have been less effort).  "They\'re gone, dead," he replied thickly and was suddenly overcome by another slice of pain that had him clutching at and sobbing raggedly against Ben.  It took a minute or so for him to get himself back under control, upon which time he would elaborate if Ben had said nothing to indicate that he understood.  "Sawyl and the twins... they\'re dead.  I can\'t feel them anymore they\'ve just... they\'ve been ripped out of me," he explained hoarsely, his words rapid like he was racing to stay ahead of the pain.

Tears welled and he began to sob again despite his efforts, his large body trembling violently against Ben\'s.

[Trillian]

He let his body wrap naturally with Kerr\'s, and said nothing to the initial comment about who was gone and dead.  He thought he knew, but it was the clarification afterwards that he responded to.

"I feel it too," Ben whispered, meaning the cutting-off from a bloodline he\'d never fully investigated because it had been too dangerous.  Even as he said those words, he knew he\'d never feel what Kerr did, and it had nothing to do with his detachment - but the fact he hadn\'t spent four centuries with his bloodline relatives, he didn\'t know them beyond the brief meeting with Sawyl at Kerr\'s house when he\'d been mortal, and hadn\'t even met the two women Kerr had told him about.

All he could do now was hold Kerr and comfort him, stroking his hair and holding onto his torso as tightly as he was being held, frowning as he did so, knowing that this grief wouldn\'t pass for a long time.  He wanted to know how they\'d been destroyed, what could kill all of them so suddenly? but of course refrained for such questions were unnecessary and heartless at a time like this.  It doubted Kerr knew anyway, though there had been that strange image of a swordsman - had a slayer been involved, or was that just his dreaming mind making up random stuff?

"I\'m sorry," he whispered, though the words sounded flat and useless.  He didn\'t apologise again, but continued to hold Kerr until his sire indicated release.

[Existentially Odd]

Even through the haze of misery around him, Kerr was comforted by Ben saying that he felt it too.  It made him feel slightly less alone, less adrift, but the enormity of the dissonance inside him was still overwhelming.  Ben\'s connection to him was strong but had never been as pure as his connection to the twins.  He\'d made them with Sawyl and they were the dominating absence he felt now, even Wyl\'s was weaker... but they were old things inside him, foundations anchored in his soul, and to have all three torn away was not something comparable to the young connection he had with Ben.

His whole existence had included the three.  He didn\'t remember his thirty mortal years of muted awareness; he didn\'t even remember the months of being connected to Angus and Sawyl, or even when it was just Sawyl.  His living memory, his every emotion, he very body was entwined with the child vampire and his twisted mothers and he was feeling untethered and frantic without the feel of them a few suburbs away.  They\'d not been close enough to affect his conscious thoughts or emotions, but they\'d been near enough that he\'d still felt them, like someone might feel the steady thrum of an electric cable pulsing beneath their home every day, yet not be consciously aware it was there.

Until it was switched off and then there was just... a lack.

He cried himself out against Ben and as he calmed, the loss took on a new dimension.  He was like an amputee with an itchy ghost limb, a void where there\'d so recently been something, and his being wouldn\'t stop questing to find it (much like that legless soldier needed to scratch his non-existent ankle).  It was a zealous reaching, something he couldn\'t quell, a morbid fascination with finding a trace - any trace - of them.  Intelligently, he knew he\'d find nothing, but it didn\'t stop his mind or the magical, untouchable bestial part of him pushing outward, first touching Ben and then skittering off into the night to find... nothing.

Likely, the frequent pulse of their blood connection would become annoying to Ben in time, but he couldn\'t think about that - in fact, he wasn\'t even thinking about what he was doing.  He was thinking like his fledgling, wondering how and who and why.  He had the means of finding out at his fingertips, he realised and, once he felt capable of speaking, he rolled away from Ben, wiping at his nose with one hand and reaching for the phone with the other.

When he picked it up, an eager voice was immediately on the other end, asking what he needed.  He told them he needed a search party - a strong search party - to go to his old residence and find out if anything had gone on.  He requested specifically that Bralik go with the party and stressed that finding out what had gone on was of the highest personal importance to him, that he\'d be awaiting a call very soon, and then hung up.  He\'d got through the order with only a few voice wobbles and was clinging to that, to the persona of Luminary and the strength it offered him in this moment when being Kerr Galvin was not sane and certainly not enough to get anything accomplished.

He looked at Ben with large, haunted eyes.  "Now we wait, I guess," he whispered, his lips fighting to bend, to allow more tears through, but he resisted staunchly.

[Malkavian Riddler]

They didn\'t have to wait long, for Digital hadn\'t left the scene and the Mimic Demons (or Horned Knights, as he called them) didn\'t have trouble with him taking him back.  Just short of an hour had passed, in fact, since the phone call from Kerr and the arrival of the cause of his anguish.

Digital was waiting, the itchy chain no longer around his wrists thankfully, for that had remained in the armoured car, though he was surrounded left, right and back by three large specimens of the Horned Knights.  He had a muscular frame himself, and standing at 6\'3" meant he didn\'t have to look up to too many people, but the Knights dwarfed him.

"Am I going to see the King now?" he asked, looking forward to seeing Kerr again, so he could let him know how he\'d helped save him and his new regency.  The Knights were silent, so he didn\'t bother to try and more questions, for he doubted he would find any they would want to answer.  He was fairly certain he would see the King, for who else would they take him to?  But his voices were silent, so he couldn\'t be certain.

[Existentially Odd]

Showering had taken up a great amount of the time Kerr had to wait, for as soon as he moved away from Ben and beneath the spray, the tears came again and he simply stood under the pounding hot water, letting them wash away while he leaned weakly against the wall and sobbed.  It was difficult for him to fathom and so it was impossible for his mind to rest or his heart to take comfort from anything.

He was drying himself lethargically when the phone in the bedroom began to ring and then he was very suddenly beside it, having sprinted with all his summoned speed to get to it before it stopped or Ben picked it up; he wanted to be the one who took this phone call.  He figured his fledgling sensed that, though, because he didn\'t even make a move towards it; though it might also have been the fact that his celerity had seen him reaching it before it finished ringing twice.

"Hello?" he barked and he was relieved to hear Bralik\'s voice coming down the line at him - though he didn\'t have anything reassuring to say.

"Are you sitting down?" he asked in as gentle a tone as he could manage.

Kerr sat on the edge of the bed like a well-trained dog, feeling himself numbing up as he processed the noise audible in the background of the phone call - rushing air, indicating that the demons were in their vehicle, on the move.  "Yes."

"The house is gutted.  There were two sets of remains - I had those collected for you but we got there after the fact.  Fire crews have pretty much trashed the place through the day.  The stupid fucker that did it\'s a vamp and had locked himself in his car - cops and shit never even looked at it.  We have him en route, he\'s some crazy loon spouting about being taken to see the king; we have him in chains but he\'s docile about it.  Happy, even," Bralik grunted disbelievingly, looking in the rear view mirror at his prisoner.  "I guess you\'re the king," he muttered beneath his breath.

"E.t.a.?"

"Ten minutes.  Where d\'you want him?"

"The boardroom.  And Bralik?"

"Yeah?"

"Keep him as far away from me as possible.  I want to find out why before I kill him."

"Done."

After that, it was merely a matter of getting dressed and getting himself as prepared as possible (which was not at all, he decided).  Underwear, jeans, a caramel-coloured sweater and some slip-on shoes later, he was finger-combing his wet hair on the way to the elevator.  His mind was whirling but as soon as the doors shut behind him, a moment of perfect clarity and separation struck him.

Ben.

He thumped the button to open the doors again immediately and strode back into the apartment, panic beating in his throat like a caged bird as he chased his way back to his fledgling.  His only remaining blood bond.  Physically, his fingertips were tingling, wanting to touch Ben, needing him close and even though he didn\'t breathe it felt like there was a constricting lump in his mouth that had stoppered him.  It was difficult to speak past and his voice was thick as he spoke.

"I\'m sorry, I... need you to be with me.  I can\'t... I need you close.  Please, would you come?" he begged, knowing that he was physically incapable of being separated from his fledgling, lest the anxiety and horror of losing him too overcame him.

[Trillian]

Ben hadn\'t expected to go with Kerr, thinking that this was probably something his sire had to deal with alone because things might get violent (especially with what he\'d heard on the phone).  Ben didn\'t think he\'d cope well with that kind of confrontation - meeting the person who\'d murdered their bloodline.  Would he be powerful?  Ben knew the Mimics would keep them safe, but still, did he really want to meet a murderer?

There was no answer available but yes, for he didn\'t want to abandon Kerr just because of his own fears or insecurities.  Kerr needed him, and he would be there for him - it was a small repayment for saving him in New York, not that this was the only reason, but it was the most prominent right now.

"Okay," he said, getting to his feet.  He\'d showered in the bathroom instead of the ensuite, not wanting to invade Kerr\'s space - sensing that he\'d needed a bit of time alone.  He wore runners without socks, a pair of navy shorts and a white t-shirt, simply the first things he\'d pulled out.  He went to Kerr without pause and joined him in the elevator, worried about what he\'d be witness to as they rode down.

[Existentially Odd]

"Thank you," Kerr whispered as he embraced Ben and they rode swiftly downwards.  Thankfully, the contact bolstered him now, rather than encouraging him to crumble further, and he didn\'t let go of his lover until he felt the lift slowing, whereupon he pulled back and kissed his forehead before taking his hand.  "I need you close to me," he said seriously, not caring who saw him walking hand-in-hand with his lover into the boardroom.

Many faces turned towards them, too, because it was business as usual down here, and Kerr opened the main door into the room with some trepidation.  Relief washed over him as he found it deserted, his special business obviously having been touted (probably by Bralik) and everything cleared before him.  Determinedly, he strode to his chair at the apex of the horseshoe-shaped table and pulled the one to his left out for Ben to sit beside him, before seating himself.  His hand stayed gripping Ben\'s while he sat, rigidly waiting, trying to envision who would walk through the doors after him, what they would look like, how everything would unfold.

When the double portal finally opened, he tensed, squeezing Ben\'s hand instinctively tighter as he sat up straighter, staring intently... but when he saw Digital being led through the doors, the anchor he\'d had on his sanity... slipped slightly and everything inside him seemed to turn into jelly.  Numbly, he released Ben\'s hand at last and sagged forward, resting his elbows on the table and his head in his heads as he stared at the beings arranging themselves in a tight formation before him.

"Oh... God... " he whimpered, only loud enough for Ben to hear him, doing his best to keep everything... straight.  His anger seemed to have deserted him, leaving him weak again, his heart clenching violently in his chest.  He couldn\'t understand why, out of all the vampires in the city, one he knew and cared about had to be the one who\'d gouged out his very meaning.

Thanks to Digital, he had Ben.  Thanks to Digital, he\'d found Ben, long ago, reassuring him that their love would find a way, find a place, had led the two of them to here and now, despite the occurrence of Jack.  And now, thanks to Digital, he\'d lost his family?  It didn\'t make sense!  How could God, in his infinite wisdom and eternal Heaven, feel that this was something that he deserved?  As a reward for faith and for trusting in his kindred?  What the fuck sort of bullshit was that?

Kerr\'s eyes fell closed and he tried to steel himself, to gather his wits and determine a way he could proceed, but all he managed to do was take a moment before he sat up properly.  He clenched his hands tightly together upon the table while he made eye contact with the murdering vampire across the vast room from him.  "Digital!" he beseeched loudly, his expression clearly showing his wretched emotions (though he doubted the Malkavian would notice that).  "What the fuck have you done?"

[Malkavian Riddler]

When he was paraded into the boardroom, drawing closer to Kerr (and finally seeing the blonde fledgling Kerr loved at his side in the flesh - for he\'d always only seen him in visions), his smile grew broader.  He adored Kerr, would do anything for him, had done the dirtiest deed in fact in order to save him.  There was nothing but love and respect for the older vampire in his heart, so when Kerr yelled at him, it was both a surprise yet not, for Kerr hadn\'t seen his visions.  He would understand though, and would thank him, Digital was sure.

"King Kerr," he announced grandly, taking a step forward which earned him a wary look from the demons around him who looked ready to pull him back, but he was on his knees before they could do such.  "It\'s good to see you again, with your fledge at your side," he said pointedly, before looking at Ben and beaming at him.

The question hadn\'t been answered however, and so Digital began his explanation shortly after, not that it made much sense to anyone.

"I saved you.  I was shown a path of despair so I burned it away.  There\'s a fresh garden now, a new blaze, only this one of flowers where the poison used to be.  You made toast for me so I made toast for you!" he said, and laughed.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was on his feet in an instant, both fists pounding into the heavy wood like a furious gorilla beating an ancient warning to potential foes.

"Damnit, Digital, you killed my fucking family!" he screamed, holding nothing back so that his raw voice echoed viciously around the large room.  "You tore them away from me without consent when you could as easily have asked!  Why?!  What path of despair did you see?!"

The emotions pouring out of him were vast and unbridled.

[Trillian]

When Digital came into the boardroom, Ben was struck by the unusual sight.  He looked over the bright orange jumpsuit, the yellow goggles and the unusual punk tufted hairstyle.  The guy liked standing out, obviously, but surely someone who was criminal would prefer blending in?

The strangest thing was that the guy (had Kerr called him Digital?  Was that his name?) and Kerr seemed to know each other.  He looked at his sire and back to the vampire accused of killing Kerr\'s family - and the other didn\'t seem to be fighting, smirking or denying any of it.  He said something about saving Kerr, growing flowers and toast; the latter only made Ben cringe.

He shrunk in his seat when Kerr stood up and slammed his fists on the table, which Ben looked over to check if there were dents or cracks left behind and surprised that there wasn\'t.  It was obvious Kerr did know this Digital guy (and was there a spark of memory now at the name and being told about him? though Ben couldn\'t remember what or where or when, probably at the hotel or at the beachhouse before he\'d gone to New York).

[Malkavian Riddler]

Digital lost his smile when he saw the pain Kerr was in, and was terribly sorry for causing that, but he had a reason to doing what he\'d done - and once he said it Kerr would understand, forgive and maybe say thank you.

"You were blind to them.  Like a horse," he said, and lifted his hands to shield the sides of his face like he was about to press against glass, though it was a good enough impression of blinders that with the mention of a horse the example wasn\'t missed.  "You would only ever see what it\'s front of you, or you would only do half of what I said!" he said, now pointing an accusing finger at Ben.  "There was no halves this time.  I saved you, I saved your kingdom, your castle.  They were going to pull you back into their diseased games, and you would\'ve been in pain.  I had to stop that.  You don\'t deserve pain," he pleaded, both hands now over his heart but also understanding now that he\'d caused Kerr pain as well.  It hurt him, he hadn\'t foreseen that, but wasn\'t it for the better?  Maybe Kerr wouldn\'t thank him after all.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr barked a nasty laugh, his upper lip curling in a sneer as he shook his head, straightening up and running despairing hands through his hair.  "I don\'t deserve pain?  I don\'t deserve pain?!" he hooted, fingers clenching around his short hair as he leaned back and briefly contemplated the ceiling before snapping back to attention and glaring hatefully at Digital again.

"I don\'t deserve pain, so you rip my fucking heart out?!  You take away four hundred years of connection, my originating bloodline and my house, all for... for what?  So as to avoid future pain?!  Are you fucking kidding me?!  This has to be a joke, Digital, a fucking nightmare - but I\'m not laughing!" he bellowed.

The anger was returning to him now, and as much as he cared for Digital and had all sorts of respect for his abilities - the points he\'d made about being blinkered and doing things in halves with Ben had been noticed but couldn\'t have his attention right now - he was furious at the pain he was feeling, the desolation, and he wanted to strike out.  That was dangerous, since, for all those same reasons, he didn\'t want Digital to die.  Well... mostly.

Kerr turned to look Bralik in the eye.  "Lock him up," he ordered.  "I can\'t think straight about this yet and I don\'t know what I want to do.  Keep him in one of the cells and I\'ll think on it," he bit out, finding his teeth clenched together as he flopped down suddenly in his chair, staring at Digital and trying to sort through his conflicted feelings.  Death was an alluring punishment... but Kerr knew how much he owed to Digital and understood that, even though it was a gushing wound inside him right now, had he lost Ben, he\'d have been much worse.  He still had Ben, and Digital was a big part of that, it was just...

Yes, the cells were the best idea for a night or so, until he could make a decision.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t know why Digital was pointing at him, but his eyes widened as it was done.  He looked from the strange vampire dressed in orange, to Kerr whose face held an expression that made Ben want to shrink from him.  He lowered his gaze next, keeping his hands in his lap and staring at the table, listening to the conversation that was broiling around him like a thunderstorm.

Being locked up sounded like the best option to Ben, for regardless of Digital\'s intentions of saving Kerr (but how could he know such things? was it some kind of vampire power he had? he hadn\'t sensed immense age from Digital) he was still a murderer.

It was weird though, how he kept saying it was about saving Kerr, like he\'d done it as a favour.  Frowning, he listened even as Digital was taken away, not raising his eyes until he sensed Kerr turning his way, and then he only turned his head to look at his sire\'s chest, unable to look at his face in case he saw that same expression there that had forced his gaze down in the first place.