Questioning Desires

[pinkroses]

Ichabod pressed his fingers together nervously as he waited for the elevator to arrive, trying to work through what he was going to say in his mind. He’d been through this what felt like a hundred times with Cole, but still the right words didn’t seem to flow properly. They never did with him. He’d asked the vampire’s advice so many times before feeling like he should stop, not wanting to get on the brunette’s nerves when he’d offered him so much. And Ichabod had kept putting off giving Cole a proper answer, wanting to wait, wanting to hear from the only person whose opinion seemed to matter when it came to this. He wanted this, he just didn’t quite know how much, or how he wanted it to happen.

He’d texted Kerr the night before to tell him he’d be coming back to the city and that he wanted to see him. He hadn’t at all been expected to be asked to come here and it had thrown him a little. The text had been brief and right now Ichabod was terrified about being asked to come to the Oligarchy, even though he knew Kerr worked here. It seemed like an age since he’d last been here - so much had happened, but at the same time it felt like only yesterday. Was there maybe some way Kerr had found out what he had planned? Was that why he had been asked here? But last time he hadn’t got a taxi here, he hadn’t come in through the front door, at least, not that he’d noticed. Last time he’d been beside the blonde who’d given him so much shit. Ben. No, Jack. But who looked like Ben. Fuck, it was messed up and Ichabod still had trouble thinking it through properly. Ben was one of the reasons why he’d been reluctant to come, he still didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of facing Ben again, although they’d parted on good terms. He wasn’t quite sure what the situation was with Ben any more. He knew he’d come back, but other than that he hadn’t asked because he didn’t want to know the answers.

But the pet couldn’t go through this without the advice of his owner. And that was what this was, asking for an opinion, advice, not permission, that was what Cole had tried to drum into him over and over, but Ichabod couldn’t help feeling that if Kerr said no, he would go with that.

He and his escort stepped into the lift and the human moved to the corner, shutting his eyes as the doors slid shut behind them, ignoring his escort, who seemed to be doing a good job of pretending he was in the lift alone as well. He hated lifts, he’d always take the stairs when it was practical, but right now he focused on what was at the end of the ride. Ichabod guessed that maybe Kerr was busy at work tonight, maybe that was why he’d been asked to come here. Maybe Kerr only had ten minutes or so to spare. It wasn’t long enough, no where near, but if that was all he had then Ichabod was going to use those ten minutes well. At least, that was the intention, he knew from experience that he was more likely to fumble about for the first nine minutes and then maybe blurt out what he wanted to say in the last thirty seconds, which was no where near long enough.

As the doors slid open once again Ichabod let out a slow breath he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding, rubbing nervously at the bridge of his nose, a habit from when he’d worn his glasses as he quickly headed out, leaving the escort behind to his relief. He didn’t notice what floor they were on, if he had it would simply have given him something else to worry about. Ichabod was aware that he might smell of another vampire since he’d spent so much time with Cole recently, right now the vampire was outside somewhere, Ichabod wasn‘t sure where. He hoped he was just sat in a quiet diner or something, waiting for Ichabod to call. Ichabod looked a little more pale than usual, felt a bit run down, but was gradually getting used to not feeling on top form. Cole drank little, but often. A mouthful here and there mounted up over the months. He was wearing well fitting, dark denim jeans and a forest green polo shirt, which he fidgeted with the edge of as he waited for his knock to be answered.

When the door opened and Ichabod saw Kerr stood there though, that look of worry slid away, replaced by a broad smile.

“Kerr,” he said, stepping closer quickly and moving to wrap his arms around the Irishman’s neck if he’d let him, hugging him tightly. “Missed you,” he mumbled. He hadn’t seen him for what felt like so long and last time he’d been so happy with how things were going. But then everything had begun to fall apart. Maybe he should have talked to Kerr earlier, told him about Cole straight away, but that would have meant admitting everything else had gone wrong first and Ichabod hadn’t wanted to tell Kerr that. He wanted the vampire to be proud of him, but he had a bad feeling that this might not end like that.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had been in mourning for his lost family for three weeks now, feeling somewhat guilty about not attending to Oligarchy business but genuinely enjoying his time with Ben.  It was quiet and though they could spend time apart now (in the building, at least), he preferred they didn\'t.  They\'d begun a tentative routine of training once more, and venturing out to feed on occasion, but mostly just doing a lot of snuggling.

When Ichabod sent him a text a couple of nights before saying that he was in town and really wanted to see him, he\'d mused on it for a little while, then shown Ben.  He was hesitant about inviting Ichabod over because he was loathe to destroy their tranquility - plus, he was still prone to occasional bouts of melancholy (especially when he recalled incidents from his own training) that sometimes led to tears and that might get embarrassing in front of a guest - but his fledgling was encouraging about the meeting, pointing out that friends weren\'t seen often and Ichabod was special to both of them, really.  Kerr couldn\'t turn off his life now that he\'d lost his sire and fledglings, he\'d have to get back into it sooner or later.

Much reassured, he\'d replied that Ichabod should come to the Chambers and check in at the front counter - he\'d be shown to see him, and left it at that.  Now that the mortal was present, he was very glad he\'d accepted the offer of a visit, wrapping his arms about Cub\'s waist and kissing his cheek affectionately as he was greeted in kind.  Kerr was also wearing jeans, but they were old, worn ones with threads trailing over and around his bare feet, a few holes on one thigh and loose threads on a few of the seams.  He had a black knitted woollen jumper with a V neck on, the sleeves of which were pulled back to both elbows.  A white T-shirt showed in the neckline.

Pulling back, Kerr smiled down at Ichabod, cupping his cheek.  "It\'s good to see you, too.  Quite a lot\'s changed since you were last in town, in fact," he said bemusedly, his eyes twinkling in uncharacteristic good humour - he was focussing on the good things for now and would talk about the sad... only when he felt it appropriate (if at all).  "For one thing, Ben and I are back together.  And for another, the demons kicked Lazarus out of the building and nominated me Luminary," he stated wryly, waiting for Cub\'s reaction before he continued.  His hand dropped to the mortal\'s waist while he did, hoping his tactic of spitting out the news he believed Ichabod wouldn\'t like first, ending with the good stuff, would work to keep the mood of this visit upbeat.

Ben was in the penthouse, after all, so Ichabod would have to come to terms with their tumultuous relationship being reinstated quickly.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod tiled his head against Kerr’s hand as the cool fingers touched his cheek, his smile still wide, although it faltered slightly as Kerr began to talk. He forced it to stay there though, although it began to look a little strained as the first thing Kerr mentioned was Ben. There it was, that was exactly what Cole had said, Ben was always going to be first.

“That’s great,” he said quickly, but the smile disappeared as the vampire went on, replaced by a look of surprise. He was the Luminary? That was why they were here? His dark eyes flickered over Kerr’s shoulder towards the apartment beyond, but the wall hide most of the penthouse from view. Although he’d been worried about coming to the Oligarchy, he had been a little happy because it would mean that Ben probably wouldn’t be here, but if they lived here… His stomach lurched nervously, but he swallowed hard, trying to squash that feeling. Ben wasn’t a threat, not any more. But he still didn’t want to see him. He wanted to talk to Kerr alone.

“Is he…” Ichabod’s voice trailed off. If Ben was in there then he didn’t want the blonde to know he was still freaked out by him. He had to try to keep some control here, if only over himself. His gaze quickly turned back to meet Kerr’s and he put the smile back on his face and he tried to focus on what Kerr had just said and what he looked so pleased about.

“Congratulations. You deserve it, I know y’ would be so much better at it than he ever was,” he said warmly, pressing a little closer against Kerr‘s front. His hand around Kerr moved to his shoulder and squeezed gently, before taking half a step back, suddenly feeling as though he was far too close and if Ben objected to it… Maybe Jack wasn\'t in control any more, but Ichabod saw them as the same person and in his mind Ben was just as capable of all that as Jack was.

“So… not just a new office, new digs?” he asked, nodding towards the apartment. He’d never been here when Lazarus owned it, although there had been a couple of times when he’d considered it. He was glad he never had though, that would have just been another mistake to add to his huge list. “I barely even noticed comin’ up, I guess… well I don’t know this place anyway, so… yeah,” Ichabod said with a shrug. They could have been going anywhere, an office, an apartment, the council chambers and Ichabod wouldn’t have known the difference.

[Trillian]

Ben, who\'d been mentioned as well as thought about, was in the far corner of the apartment, in the library at the computer, browsing the net.  He was wearing navy board shorts and a white polo, barefoot and cross-legged on Kerr\'s leather chair, knees on the armrests.  He\'d figured Ichabod and Kerr would want to catch up without him looking on, and if Kerr wanted to include him once Ichabod seemed okay with it, he would be fetched either physically or mentally called in.

At this point he was clicking links without thinking, surfing through art sites, then to blogs, which took him to strange websites.  Right now he\'d landed at a costume site for pets, and was looking at a ballerina outfit for dogs - specifically schnausers.  There were no further links to follow away from that, except he saw the costume shop\'s location was in New Jersey, so he googled New Jersey and started clicking links again, somewhat mindlessly.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr laughed good naturedly and dropped his hand to Ichabod\'s in order to lead him through the penthouse, drawing him towards the lounge area but pointing out features of his new home as they went.  He\'d altered the Oriental theme of the master bedroom so far, changing colours back to more neutral browns, deep blues and greens but had yet to convince Ben about his plans for knocking out kitchen walls and opening things up in the main room.

After their little tour - during which he indicated the library but announced that they wouldn\'t disturb Ben in there, letting his guest know where his lover currently was - Kerr sat on the two-seater couch with Ichabod.  He tucked his left leg beneath his right and sat side on so that he could face the mortal to his left, one elbow leaning on the back of the couch and his fingers interlinked before his abdomen.  Despite sitting with someone he\'d been very intimate with - on several occasions - he was conscious of keeping his hands to himself and only letting their legs brush, if anything.

It was surprisingly easy for him to keep things positive with Ichabod and it was only as he went to speak that he thought of his lost family.  Odd.  Oddly liberating, too.

"So that\'s what\'s new with me," he smiled affectionately at Cub, his thoughts fleetingly of Sawyl and the twins before he dismissed them and re-focussed.  "How about with you?  You\'ve got some time off from university at the moment, I gather?" he prompted, looking as mildly at Ichabod as he could but he hadn\'t missed the mortal\'s wan aspect, nor the smell of a vampire about him.  He obviously had news along those lines and Kerr suspected that he might soon be getting a request to have his pet/ownership of Ichabod revoked in order for another to claim him formally.  He was going to make no comments along those lines first, however, thinking that the boy would want to tell his tale his own way.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod settled down beside Kerr, sitting facing Kerr, his back against the arm of the sofa and (after toeing off his sneakers) folding his legs up before him. It was all too tempting to reach out to keep hold of Kerr’s hand, so having his legs between them at least gave him a little space to help resist that. This felt comfortable, he always did with Kerr but once they were sat he couldn’t help casting a glance in the direction of the library, hoping Ben would stay where he was, although he would prefer the blonde left the apartment completely.

But as comfortable as he was here, he still felt a little uncomfortable about what he was going to tell Kerr and it distracted him from noticing that there were things Kerr wasn’t telling him either.

The human glanced down bashfully as Kerr mentioned university and gave a small shrug.

“Yeah, well, kind of. I’ve been… thinking about stuff,” he said. He hated how he’d let things slip. Right now if he went back to university and properly focused he wouldn’t fail, but he doubted he would be able to do that now, and simply not failing wasn’t what he’d intended when he went to university. If things fell through, it felt like it would be better to drop out and start again another time.

“I met someone. Cole. He’s really nice, and… I guess I’ve been getting a little distracted by things,” Ichabod said, fiddling with a fold in his jeans, but he glanced up, meeting Kerr’s gaze. “He’s in the city, he came with me, but I didn’t bring him tonight. I wanted to talk to you alone about… him.” Well, this wasn’t going quite as Ichabod had thought it through in his head. He’d planned it out in his head, but now he couldn’t remember any of that and it was frustrating.

His fingers wandered over to gently play with a loose thread on Kerr’s jeans, but then he quickly pulled his hand back as he realised what he was doing.

“I don’t know if I’m going back to university, for now anyway,” he said, then cleared his throat before going on, not wanting to hear Kerr being disappointed in him about that before he could get the rest of it out. “Cole and me, we really like each other, and he wants me to be with him properly and he offered to sire me and I think I’m going to say yes, but I just wanted…you.” His words came out quickly, tumbling over one another as he tried to get out what he was thinking. The actually mention of Cole wishing to sire him came out quickly and Ichabod speedily moved on, not wanting to leave it hanging between them, but as he ended he realised it was going to be anyway. His cheeks flushed slightly as he finished, unsure if he’d made himself clear. He wanted Kerr’s opinion, he wanted him to be proud of him, but he also wanted to know his honest thoughts.

Ichabod chewed nervously on his lower lip as he watched Kerr, wishing he could have sounded smoother and more confident and not just blurted it out like that, but it was too late to go back now, he couldn’t take it back.

"Your opinion," he said, correcting himself after a moment and although the temptation was there to drop his gaze he forced himself to watch Kerr, wanting to see his reaction properly.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s expression was easily readable; his eyebrows were raised, his lashes fluttering and he looked as he felt - utterly surprised.  His mind kept snagging on Ichabod\'s first statement, where he\'d said he wanted Kerr (rather than wanting Kerr\'s opinion).  Was that a Freudian slip?  The fact that Ichabod even wanted to be a vampire stunned the hell out of him; as far as he knew, the mortal had never had designs along that line - unlike Ben, who\'d made it his life\'s mission.  But this wasn\'t Ben asking him to sire him, it was Ichabod asking his opinion.

It was unsettling, but safest to address the correction, rather than the initial slip.

His expression shifted into a frown as he composed a response, his head tilted thoughtfully.  "Well.  You certainly know how to drop a bombshell don\'t you?" he asked wryly, giving a little laugh that didn\'t really work.  "Sorry to hear about you and the girlfriend not working out but... that didn\'t seem so long ago, really, how long have you even known Cole that you\'re already contemplating eternity with him?  I mean, I gather the two of you are lovers, so this would be the next step in your relationship, is that the plan or...?"  He broke off with a shake of his head, looking apologetic as he reached forward and laid a hand on Ichabod\'s thigh, giving it a squeeze.

"I\'m really sorry, I\'m likely asking everything ass about face and being really rude, it\'s just... it seems so sudden!  How old is this vampire?  Has he had a lot of fledglings or would you be his first?  I\'d be concerned about what sort of training you\'d get and... can I meet him?" he asked suddenly, almost interrupting himself as the thought occurred to him.

[Trillian]

Ben stopped clicking through links and found himself listening in to the conversation Kerr and Ichabod were having.  They\'d come fairly close to the library by sitting on the loveseat and the door was open.  Ben suspected even if he\'d been mortal he still would\'ve overheard them.

It didn\'t seem right, really, to listen in, but it wasn\'t like they were making it hard for him to hear them either.  When Ichabod started talking about some guy named Cole distracting him from University, Ben continued listening, knowing there had to be something else there.  Why would Ichabod tell Kerr something like that?  And then the bomb dropped and Ichabod was telling Kerr about being sired (because apparently, liking each other was a good enough reason to jump in with both feet, not that Ben could protest because Kerr had been a stranger when he\'d asked, though his motivations had been far less pure and more a negotiation).  The second bomb dropped when Ichabod said he wanted Kerr.

When the correction came, unlike his sire, Ben dismissed it.  The real desire had been evident in his voice when he\'d made the first statement.  He\'d said what he\'d meant, and it had been too much for him to handle and leave it out there, so he\'d backtracked.

He was fascinated by what Kerr would say, and listened to the reply with a smile on his face.  Ever the diplomat, but surely he\'d sensed the slip?  Ichabod and Kerr had a history, while Ichabod and Cole obviously didn\'t.  Ben believed Kerr was being clever to imply this with his questions about how long he\'d known Cole, and how much feeling was there between them anyway to justify being sired?

Ben pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, the internet forgotten on the monitor in front of him as he continued to listen to the pair of them talk.  There was a little niggle in him at the moment, already forming an idea in his head, but it wasn\'t fully formulated as yet.  All he knew was that he couldn\'t go anywhere without Kerr freaking out and thinking he was going to get dusted somehow.  It was understandable, Kerr had lost his family, he was protecting what he had left - and the only bloodline he had left was Ben.

The niggle of an idea began to form.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod shifted uncomfortably as Kerr began to point out the flaws in the plan, bringing up Lore and the other points that Ichabod had already considered.

“Lore and I broke up. Not long after I saw you last. She was sleeping with quite a few other guys,” he said, frowning as he looked down at Kerr’s hand on his knee. Yes, he’d slept with Kerr when they’d been together, but that was different. That was Kerr, and she didn’t know about him. This was another life. She was hooking up with guys at every party she went to and Ichabod wasn’t top of her favourites list. As usual.

“I met Cole a couple of nights after that, so a couple of months now and, well… who says it has to be eternity? When he gets bored with me, or if I want to move on, I can. Ben left you. You don’t live with Sawyl. But he’s offering me something that’s… I never really thought about it before, but he wants me now, he puts me first. I trust him,” Ichabod said quietly.

He paused, then lightly reached out to touch the back of Kerr’s hand with his finger tips as he focused on the other questions, still speaking quietly, although no doubt Ben would still be able to hear.

“Cole’s just over six hundred. And he’s had a few fledglings, but I don’t know much about them, but… yeah, you can meet him. That’s why he came with me to the city,” he said. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, whether he wanted Kerr judging Cole. And Kerr hadn’t even given a proper answer yet, he’d just asked a load of questions and Ichabod wasn’t sure whether that was a good sign or not. At least it showed Kerr cared enough to ask the questions, about what happened to him after this if he went through with it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blanched when Sawyl\'s name was mentioned, unexpected pain lancing through him.  It was difficult for him to focus entirely after that, but he did hear that Cole was older than he was and experienced with fledglings, so that was somewhat reassuring.  Ichabod\'s point that he and Cole didn\'t have to be together forever - even though he wanted to argue that the blood bond would always be there - found its mark and he had to concede in that respect.

The whole situation still felt rushed and just not right to Kerr, though, and he wanted to keep arguing it.

"Why do you want to die, though?" he demanded sternly, using deliberately harsh words to (hopefully) shock Cub out of seeing this siring process as some dreamy answer to a few failed marks at university, or a way to avoid girls that cheated on him.  It wasn\'t a quick fix, cure-all; it was death, and not an easy life afterwards (though he assumed that Cole would be financially stable and securely set up enough to make Ichabod\'s fledgling life comfortable).  Why did this vibrant boy, who\'d always been someone Kerr admired for his resilience and tenacity, suddenly want to throw his mortal existence away?

[pinkroses]

Ichabod lifted his gaze at Kerr’s sharp question, a little surprised by it, but at the same time he knew it was a valid question and one he knew he didn’t have a good answer for. He knew it wouldn’t be nice, it would be difficult, but he wasn’t using it as an escape, not really. It was another chance. He couldn’t seem to make anything work as a human, maybe as a vampire he’d have more time to make things work.

He’ll leave me if I don’t.

“Why do you think I shouldn’t?” he asked in reply. He kept feeling like things would get better and the next stepping stone, leaving school, living with Lazarus, then Kerr, going to university, but things just kept falling through, he kept messing up. He couldn\'t come up with a good answer to Kerr\'s question, but he couldn\'t think of many good reasons not to go through with it either.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was close enough - and attuned enough - to Ichabod to hear the very distinct thought that Cole would leave the mortal if he didn\'t agree to be sired and his lips pressed together in disapproval even as he was challenged to point out why it shouldn\'t happen.  His frown only deepened.

"Because it won\'t fix anything!" he insisted, looking intently into Ichabod\'s eyes.  The closer he looked, the more strain he could see inside the mortal.  How good an influence could this Cole be if this was how he was making Ichabod think and feel?  "It will just cause you more problems and I don\'t know how wise it would be for you to introduce - well, how ready you are to introduce all these external factors into a new relationship," he reasoned, his voice as calm and persuasive as he could make it.

"I guess it\'s trite, but I also tend to value life above undeath and as fleeting as a mortal existence is, I find it beautiful in its fragility - I wouldn\'t encourage anyone to end it quickly, on a whim, no matter who they are - and you are more than just anyone to me," he pointed out, his hand moving to grasp Ichabod\'s and give it a squeeze now.  "It was exactly the same when Ben asked me to sire him - I begged him to think of all that he would be sacrificing, but he was adamant that he was ready for the change, that it was necessary.  Are you that convinced, or is this just... some little idea that you think will make your connection to Cole better?" he asked quietly, thinking of how Ben had requested siring and he\'d rejected him.

He regretted that now, and always would, but he tried not to think of such things in the face of Ichabod\'s very similar request.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod watched Kerr helplessly as he gave his reasons, feeling confused and lost. This wasn’t what he’d wanted. He’d wanted Kerr to support him, to tell him it would be alright and he could come back any time he needed him. Ichabod didn’t see how it would cause problems, surely it could only help? Training him would keep Cole interested in him for longer. If he didn’t do this then there wouldn’t even be a relationship to introduce these factors to. An all he wanted was for one of these fucked up relationships he found himself in to work. He would have done this for Lazarus. For Kerr he would have done anything, but neither of them had ever asked him to. They’d just moved on and left him without a thought. And now Kerr was trying to use how he felt about the human for one of his arguments?

He stayed silent for a few seconds as he listened to Kerr’s thoughts, bringing it back to Ben, again. Ichabod slowly pulled his hand out of Kerr’s grasp, lifting his dark eyes to meet the vampire‘s.

“I’m not just some stupid kid, Kerr. It’s not like he asked me tonight, I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. If I don’t do this now, no one’s ever going to ask me again. I won’t get another chance. And you keep saying all this stuff about Ben, but you still sired him, despite everything. Why?” he asked sharply, a bitter note in his voice as he mentioned the blonde. He didn’t know much about that, but he knew Arles had played a role in it somehow, he just wasn’t sure how. Kerr was arguing against it, but it wasn’t all that long ago he’d agreed to sired Ben. But he was always going to put Ben above him, Ben always got whatever he wanted and Kerr was agruing against Ichabod having exactly the same thing. How was that fair?

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was humbled by Ichabod\'s insistence and looked appropriately thoughtful as he was chastised.  He sat back when he was pulled away from, hands dangling in his lap and gnawing on his tongue stud, tasting his words before he replied.

"I\'m sorry.  I don\'t mean to insult your intelligence," he apologised sincerely, his voice quiet.  "I just worry about you.  You may have been thinking about this for weeks but I haven\'t had that luxury.  With Ben... I rejected him initially because I\'d had such a horrific time with my... uh, other fledglings.  That was the main reason; I wasn\'t ready to accept the responsibility into my life, because I still wasn\'t separate enough from my family.  Things change, of course, and I eventually realised that I felt deeply for Ben and that he could be a new family for me, a new start, so I agreed to sire him.  I think I was already in love with him, so I didn\'t really have a choice - I wanted to be connected to him for eternity," he admitted wryly, his mouth describing a crooked line.

He fell quiet for a moment more, still staring intently at Ichabod.  "I may not be in love with you, but I certainly love you and care enough about you to want to know that you\'re making a decision that you\'re sure about.  Becoming a vampire just because you want to make a relationship work or because something in your life isn\'t may not be the right way to go about it but you\'re right; you\'re not stupid.  You are smart enough to make a coherent decision.  I still think I need to meet him to be sure, though - because despite the fact that you think you may never get another chance at being sired, that\'s not true.  I can find you a sire without a problem.  Don\'t accept him for the wrong reasons, I beg of you," he beseeched quietly, resisting the urge to touch Ichabod again, letting his words do that for him (he hoped).

[pinkroses]

Ichabod gave a small nod as Kerr spoke and he lowered his eyes. He didn’t feel that way about Cole, he didn’t love him, but the older vampire could look after him and treat him well. He couldn’t help but look up to meet Kerr’s gaze again however as he felt the Irishman watching him and as Kerr had pulled back Ichabod found himself leaning forwards a little as Kerr spoke about how much he cared about him. That was all Ichabod wanted, to hear someone saying that and really mean it, but there was that first bit, Kerr wasn’t in love with him, he was in love with Ben. For half a second Ichabod thought that Kerr was going to say something completely different as he spoke about giving Ichabod the chance to be sired, but then that slipped away as well before it had even properly arrived.

Kerr was the Luminary. He could assign someone the task of siring him. How was that a better way of doing this?

“Maybe my initial reasons weren’t the best, but I’ve thought about it and I want it. I don‘t know what you don‘t get about this. I don’t want to be someone’s job,” he said, shaking his head slightly, but reaching out lightly touch Kerr’s knee, wishing he could explain himself better before he flopped back against the arm of the chair again, running the hand which had reached out to Kerr through his hair before settling it back down into his lap.

“I don’t want you to make me some assignment for a vampire I don’t know that you deem worthy. I’ve been asked by someone who actually wants to go through this with me. I don’t think that’s a wrong reason,” he said quietly. “You can meet him, but please don’t screw this up for me,” he added in a pleading voice. It wasn’t just if Kerr said something to Cole to turn the vampire off the idea, but if he said something negative about Cole to him, Ichabod didn’t know if he’d be able to put that out of his mind.