Guilty

[Trillian]

BEN HAD MADE IT BACK to the Chambers long before Kerr returned home, wihch was a relief.  It gave him time to think, however, of how their conversation could have gone should he have come back late with Kerr already at the penthouse, and when faced with a simple question of; What did you do tonight?

Kerr was by no means a jealous boyfriend, and not terribly possessive, but he wasn\'t as trusting as he could\'ve been by now, thanks to the slippery slope they\'d climbed to finally get here, in this romance they now had.  Ben trusted Kerr completely, for he was the kind of man to be loyal to a fault.  He\'d been loyal to his \'family\' of Sawyl and his mothers, that band of merry misfits who\'d abused him no end.  He\'d then been loyal to Ben, even though there\'d been many a problem, to the point where Ben had been co-sired by another vampire - who he didn\'t remember.

It was probably best, then, to confess his whereabouts when Kerr returned.  He\'d visited Ichabod, and he was going to say so.  He had a suspicion that he\'d made Ichabod angry enough at the end to have texted Kerr with the fact Ben had shown up uninvited at the apartment.  Maybe he hadn\'t done so, but Ben could still see such a thing happening.  It made sense, therefore, to beat him to it.  Ben would tell Kerr what he was up to, before he was \'caught\'.  It was a gift for Kerr, that Ben would try and repair the relationship with himself and Ichabod, but because things had ended badly, he would be better off giving the concept of his gift tonight.

It would free Kerr up to visit Jenna every week, he thought.  Or Cain, if she wasn\'t available, Ben figured with a hint of tartness.

He was on the lounge when Kerr came home, stretched out and reading.  When Kerr entered the apartment proper, Ben sat up and peered over the back of the lounge, the book closed on his lap.

"Hey, how\'d your night go?" he asked, careful not to call it a date.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr, who was still carrying his shoes and socks hooked on two fingers of his right hand (and holding his pants leg with his left in an effort to stop the sickly, sticky feeling of half-dried, salt-encrusted material slapping at his ankles as he walked), looked up in startlement as Ben spoke, obviously not expecting his lover to be there.

"Oh.  Fine," he answered vaguely, attempting a smile that didn\'t eventuate because it shifted quickly into a perplexed frown.  "You\'re not at the library?" he asked, then immediately regretted it.  What a stupid, obvious question.  Ben hated those.  It was difficult, however, having to come unexpectedly out of deep and serious ponderings about his life and the people he\'d chosen to surround himself with, to making small talk about the events of his evening.  "Never mind," he laughed at himself, giving a short shake of his head.  "Stupid question.  I know.  I need a shower."

With that, he continued along the path he\'d been treading - towards their bedroom and the ensuite.  He needed to shower because he needed to divest himself of Jenna now.  Her perfume was in his clothes, the scent of her on his skin.  He doubted the water would eradicate her from the inside of his nostrils - no matter how hot it was - but he hoped he could layer something else over it instead.  The time had come to return to normality.

[Trillian]

"Want me to join you?" Ben offered, moving the book aside so he could stand up before he got an answer.  He\'d thought Kerr was behaving a little oddly, but it could be because it was the first time he\'d reconnected with Jenna after a long while.  They\'d chatted on the phone a few times, but going out had been a slow process and urged by Ben.  He had his friend in Murphy, so it made sense to allow Kerr his friendship with Jenna.

He started to wend his way around the sofa in order to reach Kerr.

[Existentially Odd]

The question gave Kerr pause once again and he stopped in the bedroom doorway, looking over his shoulder towards Ben, who was already on the move.  Carnal desire, simmering beneath his skin, coiled and wanting in his groin, flared at the thought of being joined in the shower and he saw a way to kill two birds with one stone.

"Sure," he answered, and this time the smile came but it was more of a leer, with his dilated eyes and his tongue sneaking out to wet his lips.  He tasted Jenna and turned away before Ben could see his frown, hastening into the bathroom.  He dropped his shoes and socks as soon as he walked in, racing to get out of his clothes and turn on the water before Ben got close to him.

As long as I can get myself at least rinsed off before he touches me, then it\'ll be clean.  I\'ll be with him, not... her, he thought.  But he was keeping his thoughts firmly locked away, just in case Ben decided to do some scanning.  Should he try and find that block, however, his fledgling would no doubt have many more questions, for Kerr never hid anything from him... still, it was a risk he was going to take.

[Trillian]

Ben had no reason to seek out with mental fingers.  He only ever did so towards Kerr when they were actively practising, and they were taking a different path with Ben\'s mental progression now, in any case.

He followed his sire into the bedroom, surprised at how efficiently Kerr had stripped.  Ben decided to allow Kerr his privacy, even though the expression on his face before disappearing into the bedroom had promised intimacy.  There was still something a little off about Kerr, and it occurred to Ben that he might be offering to shower with his lover in order to silently announce his primary position.

Was he really so threatened by Jenna that it would motivate him this way?  He could be over-analysing his motives, goodness knows he was excellent at making that mistake, but he also knew himself well enough by now to understand his flaws.

He undressed and dismissed it.  If his flaw was causing him to reconfirm his sexual desirability, then he thought he could live with the consequence.  Kerr had already had the spray for a couple of minutes before Ben stepped into the shower with him and hugged him.

[Existentially Odd]

Satisfied that he\'d had enough time to rinse Jenna off his skin - he\'d even managed a quick scrub and rinse of shampoo, in fact - Kerr was a great deal more relaxed and smiling mischievously by the time Ben stepped into the shower.

He didn\'t waste time with preamble or conversation, instead grabbing Ben\'s hand and drawing him closer before he enveloped his lover in a hug, spinning him under the spray and pressing him against the wall while he kissed him deeply.  His hands slid up Ben\'s now-slick body to cup both cheeks even as he swished his burgeoning groin against his partner\'s.

Everything felt instinctual and sexy with not a whole lot of thinking going on in his brain.

[Trillian]

It didn\'t take them long to have a steamy sex session to go along with the steamy atmosphere in the roomy shower.  Ben\'s thoughts disappeared completely as his physical instincts took over, as they always did when he was carnal.  It was only after, when they were soaping each other up in a fashion more suited to cleanliness than playfulness that his mind returned to Kerr\'s odd behaviour.

"Jenna must\'ve turned on the charm, to have you this hungry for sex," Ben said, wanting it to sound like a casual, off-the-wall remark with a hint of amusement.  It sounded more like what it really was; a fishing statement.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s belly did a queer flip-flop at the words and he frowned ever so briefly down at the soap he was holding, before he looked up and met Ben\'s eyes with a little half-smile - it was hard to think of anything but Ben after the intense experience they\'d just had but the guilt gnawing at his gut reminded him of his ulterior motives initially.

He rubbed his tongue stud on the roof of his mouth thoughtfully, considering his answer for a moment.  He wouldn\'t lie, and he definitely hadn\'t been thinking of Jenna during their lovemaking, so he was best to just keep his answer... moderated, somewhat.  "I\'m always hungry for you," he argued huskily, moving around and embracing Ben from behind.  He leaned down to nibble on his left ear while his hands lazily roamed across Ben\'s stomach, loving the feel of his skin beneath the hot spray.

"But Jenna is charming," he agreed with a playful chuckle, alluding to the arousal he\'d experienced in her presence... if not completely owning up to it.  If pressed, he knew he\'d elaborate but he\'d rather not.  When he was away from her, that haze of lust she inspired in him seemed almost... far-fetched and unreal.  Easy to dismiss, with Ben in his arms and his sexual appetite satisfied for the time being.  It didn\'t seem all that relevant, in fact.

[Trillian]

Ben was willing to let it go.  Until Kerr confirmed that Jenna was indeed charming.  It surprised him, how much that comment irked him.  Would he have been as annoyed if Kerr had said the same thing about Ichabod?  Or Cain?

He didn\'t think so, but he hadn\'t believed he\'d be feeling quite this strongly about Jenna, either.  Just went to show how different things could be in reality than from hypothesising.

The tension in Ben\'s body likely revealed how he was feeling.  No point hiding it, then.

"More charming than your uncultured lover," he said, but culture didn\'t have anything to do with anything.  It was better to divert attention away from the real issue, he felt.  What was the real issue, anyway?  Was he threatened?  Jenna could offer Kerr more than he could, being a woman.

Huh.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, his tongue stud roving across the roof of his mouth again as he felt the lack of physical response.  He believed that \'charm\' in this instance was a veiled reference to sex appeal, for Ben had said Jenna being charming had made him hungry for sex, and Kerr wasn\'t quite sure how to address that.  He turned Ben with hands on his fledgling\'s shoulders, his frown meeting Ben\'s expression directly.

"No.  Just different.  She exudes a... a scent... it makes me think of sex in the sunshine, of heat and... passion," he broke off, realising his description wasn\'t really needing details such as these, and unable to recall if he\'d ever shared this minor detail with Ben.  That Jenna smelled like sex in the sun and made him feel youthful and carefree... in a very raw and dangerous way.  He supposed it hadn\'t exactly come up in conversation before now, though he couldn\'t recall for certain.

"It\'s nothing she can help, and not something I find easy to resist but there\'s not a comparison between the two of you," he insisted, his thumbs rubbing soothingly along Ben\'s collar bones as he spoke earnestly to his boyfriend.  "I\'m in love with you.  She has charm... but nothing that compares to my feelings for you, our history, our relationship.  You are the one I choose to spend my life with and if nights out with her bother you, I won\'t have them," he promised sincerely.

Technically, Jenna had made the choice that he should spend his life with Ben for him, but she\'d only pre-empted him, so it was irrelevant.

[Trillian]

"A scent," Ben repeated, for he hadn\'t known about that part of her.  Kerr had mentioned she was a fire demon, and he\'d looked up fire demons (and found to his dismay that there was an entire species range of different fire demons so couldn\'t narrow her down).  He didn\'t recall reading about fire demon pheromones, however.  Sex and sunshine?  It made a kind of horrible sense.  At the same time, he felt like a hypocrite.

"No, I want you to see her.  I don\'t think it\'s fair not to let you have your friendship with her.  I know she\'s your ex-lover, and there has to be some feelings there left over," he said, choosing his words carefully as he leant against the shower wall, looking at Kerr seriously.  "I don\'t think I\'m ready for you to start anything sexual with her, though.  So if you come back hungry for me after sexy sunshine smells, that\'s okay," he said with a sideways smile.

Now for what he\'d wanted to say.

"While you were out I had an idea.  I meant to surprise you with it, but I think if you got wind of it, it might look bad."  He paused for effect before continuing.  "Now that Ichabod has space from me, I figured it would be good to visit him once a week and get him on his home turf, you know?  I was going to follow his orders, too.  I didn\'t think he\'d open the door to me, but he did, and we hung out a little bit.  I was expecting to come home after he told me to get lost, but we played on his gaming thing, you know."  He watched as Kerr\'s expression changed throughout the tale.  "The XBox."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr allowed Ben to fall out of his hold and lean against the shower wall, nervous about acknowledging what his fledgling said too enthusiastically, nodding and keeping his hands to himself instead.

He regretted dropping the soap but didn\'t bend down for it, giving a relieved laugh as he was told that it was alright if he returned to Ben high on Jenna\'s scent.  He hadn\'t expected that, had been dreading condemnation for it; a rush of love for his beautiful, understanding lover washed through him, leaving him smiling adoringly at him.

Until he was told that a decision Ben had made might look bad, and then his frown returned.  His eyebrows skewed as his lover continued his explanation, Kerr blinking in confusion at the \'follow his orders\' remark.  Why on earth would Ben set out to do something like that?  Why any of it?  It was unclear to Kerr and so he had to ask, when there was silence at last.

"But... I thought you liked Ichabod not being here with us?  Why would you follow him to the Capital to play his XBox?  Why invade his \'turf\' at all?" the Irishman queried in bafflement.  He wasn\'t upset, per se, but he really didn\'t understand why Ben - whose impatience with Ichabod had formed the basis of Kerr\'s decision to separate the pair of them - would choose to pursue someone he\'d been glad to get rid of a short while before.

[Trillian]

Ben puffed out air of frustration, though it was due to the situation rather than being questioned.  Kerr would interpret the sound as he saw fit, however.

"Because I tried making friends with him," he said, "but Ichabod would shy away, or accuse me of being bossy, or telling me what my real motives were.  He never trusted me here, and he said something flippantly one night - that he felt like an intruder on my home ground with you.  So I figured that must be getting in the way, that he felt powerless."  Ben turned a pleading gaze to his sire, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder as the water washed over Kerr\'s back.  "I\'m ashamed that we couldn\'t be a better family for you.  I feel responsible, because siring Ichabod was my idea.  He\'ll never come to me with an offer of friendship, so I figured I\'d go to him while he was still... kind of open, to me.  If I leave him for too many years, he\'ll get used to not having me around.  We\'re connected forever, and you\'re in the middle, and I wanted to at least find a place where I could make a joke and he wouldn\'t get defensive."

With his explanation out, Ben caressed Kerr\'s shoulder with his thumb, the small touch needed, and he wanted quite badly to embrace his sire, but didn\'t know what Kerr would think of his plan.  Sometimes they had very different ideas, he and his sire, when presented with the same facts.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s expression gradually shifted from perplexed wariness to enlightened wonderment, his eyebrows raised and a genuinely stupefied look affecting his even features. "You\'re... making friends with Ichabod? For me?" he asked incredulously, instinctively moving closer to Ben, his hands sliding around his waist.
 
Although his words were light, airy... mostly ineffectual in their amazement, the intense wash of feelings travelling down their blood bond would no doubt be swamping Ben. He was stunned. He was awed. He was thankful and so damn overwhelmed with love that it made him feel lightheaded, his fingers trembling slightly as he leaned forward and gently kissed Ben\'s forehead.
 
"Thank you," he said quietly, still feeling a little dazed as he looked into Ben\'s beautiful eyes. Kerr felt slightly ashamed that he\'d had moments of concern at first, that his wounded mind had hearkened back to to the damage Jack had done via Ben, irrevocably canting Ichabod\'s perception of his blood brother. That he was working to right that wrong... humbled Kerr in a very fundamental and powerful way. His faith in his lover was renewed and enhanced, his slightly jaded perspective - that Ben really only bothered with things that benefitted Ben in some way - melting away.
 
It had taken much longer than he\'d expected (though Jack\'s interference, again, had messed things up quite profoundly, so it certainly hadn\'t been an unbelievably slow progression, considering), but it seemed that Ben had finally grown up. He was taking an interest in people beyond himself, pursuing interests that pleased and brought about harmony for others, simply because he felt responsible and that it was the right thing to do. Beyond, \'I love you,\' Kerr couldn\'t recall ever hearing sweeter words from his beloved\'s lips than those jewels that had just been laid ever so casually at his feet, and his reverence for his charming and adorable lover was astounding in its depth and breadth.
 
He truly couldn\'t say any more, relying on his heart and their connection to communicate for him as he stared dazedly at Ben\'s beautiful face.

[Trillian]

When Ben felt the powerful emotions thrumming into him via their bloodline, he knew he\'d pleased Kerr immensely.  He was not only relieved, but proud of himself for making Kerr feel this way.  It surprised him, that Kerr would be so moved by his desire to calm the troubled waters between himself and Ichabod.  He\'d tried to make friends with him before, so it was interesting to note that Kerr had obviously believed Ben hadn\'t had his heart in it.  Well, it would be somewhat of an exaggeration to say he\'d invested 100% effort into making friends with Ichabod, to be frank.  The other had exasperated him too easily and he\'d given up before he\'d really got started.

He hadn\'t expected Kerr to get upset enough with their bickering to cast one of them out, however, and somewhere inside himself, Ben felt guilty for being instrumental in Ichabod\'s siring and eventual separation from his sire.  He hadn\'t intended it on ending this way, but it had, so...

"I love you," he whispered to Kerr, and he promised himself that he would make it work with Ichabod.  There could be no failure.  He wouldn\'t allow it.