Clarified, Clarifying, Clarify

[Trillian]

HE\'D MADE SURE TO WAIT the full week before coming around again, feeling like Ichabod would complain if he didn\'t do so.  He hoped that the time had healed Ichabod\'s offence at Ben\'s desire for him to take advantage of their time together rather than avoid talking about the problem and playing video games instead.  He knew that he\'d done the wrong thing though - he\'d broken the promise to himself.  He\'d wanted Ichabod to take the lead, regardless of where that lead might go, even if he thought it was stupid, because it was about putting power in Ichabod\'s hands.  There would be no power transfer if Ben continued to chastise him for not spending his time wisely.  It wasn\'t like they would be running out of time either.  They both had eternity.

Riding up in the elevator, he couldn\'t quell the anxiety he felt in the pit of his belly.  He really wanted to make this work.  Kerr was supporting him in this, at least, but the person who he really needed to make this work was Ichabod himself.  If he wasn\'t let in, he\'d come back next week, until Ichabod relented.  He had to stop insisting things were done his way.

Funny, he\'d never realised how insistent he was until he found someone that didn\'t want to co-operate with him.  He\'d always considered himself easy-going, and even though he\'d never made good friends until after his vampirism (with Kerr, Murphy, and even the long lost Daniel) he\'d never had trouble getting along with people.

Until Ichabod.

He\'d arrived at the floor, and was staring at a very familiar door.  Taking a deep and unnecessary breath in attempt to calm himself, he approached the door and knocked, sensing his blood brother on the other side.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod was already headed for the door by the time Ben knocked, feeling his brother coming, but he hadn’t made it in time. He’d considered not letting him in, but what good was delaying anything going to do? It would just upset Ben, and Kerr. And it was Kerr Ichabod was thinking about. It seemed like in moving away he couldn’t get his sire out of his head even more than before.

“Come on in,” Ichabod said as he opened the door and gestured Ben inside, not quite making eye contact. He was dressed much like he had been last time, with comfy jeans, bare feet and a t-shirt and he looked decidedly fidgety as he waved his hand in the direction of the sofa. The room was tidy since this time Ichabod had known he would be having a guest but it was clear from the way the cushions were arranged on one of the sofas that Ichabod had been curled up on it - and the discarded book on the coffee table would show what he’d been doing.

“You can sit if you want. I’ll get us a drink,” he said without bothering to ask if Ben wanted one. Ben wasn’t that much older than Ichabod, of course he’d still be hungry even if he’d fed coming over.

Last night Ichabod had drunk deeply from Melissa, but that made no difference tonight. He knew it would take a good few years before he was able to go a night without drinking, but it would happen eventually. He’d been out onto the streets to drink already tonight, so that he didn’t have to lie when he told Kerr he was feeding properly, but he could relax more easily when it was blood from a bag.

He didn’t say much as he got their drinks together, unless Ben started to talk first. He had a lot going around in his head, things he wasn’t sure if he wanted to say or not, whether he should ask Ben things or not. He knew Ben would say he should, because he was supposed to be in control, but it might be different when it actually came out. Kerr wanted them to work through things, but there was so much. And Ichabod doubted talking about it would do much good. He was so conflicted about it all he had no idea where to begin.

[Trillian]

Ben only just managed to say \'hi\' before he was invited in by Ichabod.  Moving into the apartment and casting his eye around, he saw the book on the coffee table before turning to look at his fledge brother.  Because Ichabod invited him to sit while he prepared drinks for them both, Ben said thanks and headed in the direction of the sofas.

He sat down on one without the rumpled cushion, figuring that it was Ichabod\'s favourite seat and not wanting to take that one.  While he waited quietly for Ichabod to get their blood ready - which he knew would take time and was likely for Ichabod to get himself together in Ben\'s presence - he reached out to pick up the book on the coffee table and looked at both the title and some random pages inside, careful not to lose any page that Ichabod might\'ve had marked.

He flopped back on the sofa, remembering how comfy this lounge was and liking it better than the nicer looking furniture in Kerr\'s current penthouse at the Oligarchy because they were firmer than these.  Looking out the large plate glass windows nearby, Ben admired the city\'s twinkling lights.  He was focussing on thinking of nothing much, simply to concentrate on the present, and not to put any pressure on Ichabod, or to give him any advice, which he knew would be unwelcome.

He could smell the blood was ready, and listened as Ichabod poured it into two glasses or cups.  He wasn\'t watching, but did turn his head upon Ichabod\'s approach, in order to thank him and taking the blood from him, which was nice and warm.  He wrapped his hands around the mug in order to warm them, not that he got any pleasure from it for he didn\'t really feel the heat or cold anymore, but it was a habit.

[pinkroses]

As Ben had expected, Ichabod had his favourite seat and after passing Ben his mug he settled into it, curling his feet up underneath him. He watched Ben thoughtfully as he sipped his own blood, unsure of how best to broach everything he wanted to say, or how much he should actually say.

“Have you been up to much this week?” he asked, deciding starting the conversation simply would probably be easiest, but kind of expecting Ben to scoff at the clichéd question.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t scoff, he answered civilly.

"Nothing much, just hanging in the library and doing some reading."  He paused, then figured he should try and continue the conversation, to make things easier on Ichabod.  It took two to have a chat, and he wanted to make sure he was doing his bit.  "I found a section on vampire shape shifting.  You know the legends about turning into bats is crap, but apparently some vampires can turn into animals.  Big animals," he amended lastly.

Other than that he hadn\'t done much apart from spending time with Kerr, which Ichabod was likely not to want to hear about.

[pinkroses]

“Oh wow, that’s cool,” Ichabod said, perking up a little at the idea. “I guess you’d have to be quite a bit older though to be able to do something like that,” he added, glancing down at his mug and swirling the blood around a little. He was gradually improving and working on his skills, but he knew it would be a while before he was able to do anything as amazing as that.

“I ran into Ash the other day. You know, the guy upstairs,” he said after a few seconds, his black eyes flickering up to watch Ben for any kind of reaction, wondering if the blonde would assume they’d fucked or anything like that, guessing the blonde would remember his own experience with the movie star. “It’s kind of nice knowing there’s another vampire about,” he added with a shrug.

[Trillian]

Ben murmured agreement into his mug when Ichabod indicated interest in what Ben had read.  He took a sip while a short pause worked its way into their conversation, before Ichabod filled the silence before it could grow with something quite unexpected.

Ben flicked his gaze upward over the rim of the mug to see what Ichabod\'s expression looked like as he spoke about Ash, only to catch Ichabod checking him for his own reaction.  Ben lifted his eyebrows inquiringly but lowered the mug, not really tasting the blood that he was now swallowing.  He was staring at Ichabod now, he could feel it, but he couldn\'t bring himself to look away in case he missed something.  Oh, he so wanted to scan Ichabod\'s mind, and knew he was better at doing it than Ichabod was at blocking him, except his blood brother would feel it happening.  It was something else he knew Ichabod was likely to throw him out over.

"Yeh, I know him," Ben said.  "Did he invite himself over?" he asked, for Ben had the vague recollection of Ash doing that.  He couldn\'t remember the circumstances of their meeting exactly, but he did remember how everything had turned out.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod shook his head slowly as he answered, keeping his eyes fixed on his brother and his mental blocks up although he knew they wouldn’t help all that much against Ben.

“No, not at all. I met him at Risk. I was… uh, someone took a dislike to me, he gave me a hand,” he said, his cheeks flushing slightly. He hadn’t really meant to tell Ben about what had happened that night at Risk, but any other way of explaining that they went to Risk and then drove home together would sound sleazy and conclusions might be leapt to which weren’t true. Especially considering what had happened when Ben and Ash had met.

“He told me, like… what you two did,” he said hesitantly, not sounding accusatory, but wary. He wasn’t sure how best to phrase what he wanted to ask and had no idea how Ben would take it. He opened his mouth to go on but shut it again abruptly, his gaze dropping from Ben’s as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say.

[Trillian]

He schooled his expression into thoughtfulness when Ichabod spoke about someone taking an instant dislike to him, and was surprised that Ash had been the one to come to his rescue.  Had Ash met Ichabod before to know who he was?  Because Ash didn\'t strike him as the hero type.  Still, he might be the kind of guy that waded into trouble in order to save others in distress, he certainly had that kind of appeal - ready to take on a fight - and it wasn\'t like Ben really knew him.  Kerr would be better to ask about Ash\'s personality, but if Ben did that, it would be prodding a sore point, he thought.

When Ichabod mentioned that Ash had shared his and Ben\'s foray together, he was surprised and didn\'t bother hiding it.  Why would Ash tell Ichabod about such a thing?  Had he come on to Ichabod, been refused, and thought that was the best way to get Ichabod to agree?  His inner voice imagined it.

Aw, c\'mon Ichabod, it\'s not like I haven\'t already fucked Kerr and Ben, I could do you too

Yeh... unlikely.

He realised then that the most important question he should be asking himself was not why Ash had told Ichabod, but why Ichabod was telling him.  It hadn\'t sounded nasty, and Ben doubted Ichabod had a nasty bone in him - a surly, petulant bunch of bones, sure, but nothing nasty.

Not like you, Benny boy

He cleared his throat, realising that the seconds had ticked by while he thought about things, but Ichabod knew him by now to know that such a thing wasn\'t unusual when talking to Ben.  He often mulled over many responses or ideas about what was being said.  Over-analysing again, no doubt.

"Okay," he said shortly, still wondering why Ichabod had brought it up.  "Was there something you wanted to ask me about it?" he hazarded, unsure of Ichabod\'s motives.  He wasn\'t making chit-chat with this topic, was he?  That would be pretty socially clueless.  Maybe he was testing Ben, to see if he would get angry.  Ben latched onto this idea, thinking it sounded most likely.  If Ichabod was really testing him (and what else could it be?), then Ben\'s respect for him rose a little.  Ichabod was feeling out his boundaries - or rather, Ben\'s boundaries.

[pinkroses]

“Yeah,” Ichabod said, setting down his half finished blood and curling his hands together, frowning at an invisible spot on ben’s top before forcing himself to meet the blonde’s gaze.

“How did you just… it doesn’t seem like you really cared who you fucked then, and Kerr said I should

Fuck people
Fuck strangers
Get over him
Stop this
Obsession
Fuck

get out there a bit more, but... You wanted to be with Kerr then, didn’t you?” he said, sounding helpless as he stared at his brother, hoping to hear something of use. He was putting himself out there and finding it hard, talking to Ben about things he never wanted to discuss with him.

But Ichabod wanted to please Kerr, and finding a way to learn how to do that, and talking to Ben at the same time, that had to be killing two birds with one stone, right?

Ben hadn’t seemed to care who he fucked despite wanting to be with his sire (if he had, Ichabod wasn‘t sure on all of the details of their reunion), and Ichabod desperately wanted to stop caring as much. He wanted to be able to not give a shit, but every moment he’d been with Melissa last night it had felt like he should be with someone else, but that someone didn’t want him.

Maybe he was completely wrong about everything Ben had been feeling then. Ichabod knew that might be the case since he was looking at it from the perspective of someone who disliked Ben and hated what the blonde had done to their sire in the past, but he had to find out.

[Trillian]

Ben licked his lips, thinking about all the things he\'d put Kerr through, and he didn\'t even know the half of it.  Apparently Ben liked getting himself into trouble with vampires that messed with him, but he didn\'t even remember anything beyond the first six nights of meeting Kerr (and didn\'t remember Declan because of it), until he found himself in Kerr\'s arms in the middle of the desert, as a vampire!  He\'d been cheated of his siring, he\'d been cheated of forming his initial bond with Kerr, and he\'d run away because of it.  Straight into the arms of...

He couldn\'t even bear to think of his name; summoning up the image of him had been bad enough.

"I\'ve always wanted to be with Kerr," he said softly, "ever since the night he drank from me first time."  He wasn\'t about to blame his loss of memory, or the fact he\'d been ripped out of Kerr\'s arms by the Oligarchy.  He wouldn\'t play the victim role, damnit.  "I had sex with Ash not long after I came back from New York," he said, because he remembered that fact fairly clearly.  He\'d had sex with Lazarus too, but now he wouldn\'t ever again, because Kerr didn\'t want him to.  He didn\'t know if he could deny the Ancient, so the best way was to avoid him completely and not get himself in the position to find out.  "It was messed up."  He corrected himself, shortly.  "I was messed up.  I didn\'t feel like I had... control."  This was the first time he\'d ever spoken to Ichabod about his time in New York - and even though this was about something that had happened immediately afterward, he\'d generally kept quiet on the subject, not wanting Ichabod to know about it.  But now Ichabod was asking, and Ben had promised to do as he said.  "So, having sex with people I didn\'t care about, when I wanted to do it, was about getting back my control.  It wasn\'t about pleasing anybody else, or rebelling.  It was about being in charge of myself, of my body.  Kerr understood that, I think," he said with a frown, because Kerr had shown he was very bloody understanding.

[pinkroses]

Yeah, Kerr was the King of Understanding when it suited him. At other times it felt to Ichabod like
Kerr had blinkers on. He may talk sense, but Ichabod had no clue how to go about doing anything Kerr wanted, or that his sire thought would be good for him.

“And… did it work? Did you feel like you had control when you were with them?” he asked quietly. This was different, he knew. This wasn’t about pleasing himself, it was about pleasing Kerr. Maybe that was why last night he’d felt like he had no say in any of it. Yes, Melissa had done everything he’d asked, looked to him for guidance, but Ichabod had just been going through the motions, he hadn’t wanted to fuck her in the slightest.

But as different as their situations had been and were, who else did he have to ask? Ben was the expert on Kerr. He loved their sire too, but he’d left him, run away and abandoned him. He’d given up everything Kerr had to offer, that Ichabod was desperate for, more than once and he’d been welcomed back. Ichabod knew he would never be welcomed back like Ben, but maybe if he could get to the not caring as much stage, that might help if he could manage it.

[Trillian]

Ben intensified his grip on the mug when Ichabod pursued this line of questioning.  He wasn\'t particularly eager to share, but other than this small gesture that Ichabod was very unlikely to see, he showed no outward signs.

It made him feel cheap.  He\'d always taken pride on the fact he\'d rarely shared his body; that those he\'d taken the plunge with had been loving partners, that he\'d cared a great deal for them.  They\'d never lasted long, but at least he\'d attempted to choose people that he wanted to be with for a long time.  Now, thanks to his time in New York and the fact he\'d thrown himself at whoever would have him, then repeated it here, doing whatever degrading act was available to him without thinking about it or caring who he was with, it took away all the pride he\'d used to feel.  Now that his body was no longer special, he didn\'t see the big deal in holding back anymore.  He didn\'t sleep around because he wanted to dedicate himself to Kerr, but now exclusive sex didn\'t really matter to him anymore.

"Yes, but it was a hollow victory," he said, holding Ichabod\'s gaze for a short moment before unable to meet it any longer and dropping his eyes to the cup in his lap.  He felt the mug exploding in his hands before he saw it, but hadn\'t had time to release the pressure on it.

"Ah, fff-" he stopped himself from swearing, even though almost a full mug of blood had splashed all over his hands, arms, torso and pants.  It was weird, he\'d seen it all happen in a kind of slow motion, but had been helpless to stop it.  He stood up, which was a mistake even though it had been instinctive.  As a result, the blood that had pooled in his lap dripped down the legs of his jeans and a number of droplets landed on his shoes and on the carpet.  He looked at his handy work, frowning down at it, looking up at Ichabod now that the other was talking.  "Sorry," he said in the middle of the first tiny pause.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod didn’t know what to say as Ben told him it was a hollow victory. He hadn’t known Ben when the blonde had been human, before he’d been taken over by Jack, he hadn’t known Ben when he’d been so uptight and stiff, he’d only started to get to know a version of Ben when the blonde had been bullying him. Sometimes he could see how different Ben was to that person, but then traits of him would come out. And even when they didn’t Ichabod didn’t especially like the Ben he’d lived with for the past two years.

But at least Ben didn’t seem to think sleeping around was worth it and that raised the blonde a little in Ichabod’s estimation. Just a little though. And it didn’t help his problems. Hollow was the right word though. Last night with Melissa there had been nothing behind it, not even lust.

He flinched as the cup suddenly broke, his eyes shutting for a moment before he stood up and then dropping into a crouch to grab a few bits of the mug which had dropped.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Ichabod said quickly before Ben even had a chance to apologise and he shook his head when the blonde did. Fuck, it seemed like there was blood everywhere, it was on the floor, all over Ben. He needed to drink more, but it could wait, even if his mouth was watering.

“I’ll get you a shirt, we can stick that stuff in to soak, forget it,” he said, standing up straight and heading for the kitchen. “Did you get cut?” he asked as he dumped some broken bits into the sink, realising straight away it didn’t matter, Ben would heal quickly.

The thought briefly crossed his mind, could Ben have done that on purpose to avoid continuing the conversation? Would he have done that? He’d come here and said Ichabod was supposed to say how things went, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to find ways out of it if he didn\'t like how things were going.

“I’ll get you some clean clothes,” he said quietly, disappearing into the bedroom and reappearing a few moments later with clean jeans and t-shirt. Ichabod was a little broader than Ben, but they were about the same height so they should fit well enough. He’d brought a belt too just in case and he wordlessly held the bundle out to his brother, trying to ignore the blood splattered all over him.

[Trillian]

Ben had got cut, but it had been shallow.  By the time he looked at the palm of his hand, the cut had already healed.

"No," he answered, and resisted the urge to lick his hand clean.  The smell of blood was everywhere now, and even though he\'d sated his thirst before coming here with one of the Oligarch donors, it wasn\'t enough to help him overpower the headiness of it.  He felt in a glut and thought he had an idea now what it would be like to overfeed while feeling thirsty.  Didn\'t all fledglings have to go through such a sensation?  He\'d never really experienced the first year of it, and by what he\'d read, the control of feeding compounded in the first five years.  Ichabod was approaching the end of his second year of vampirism now - surely he would remember quite clearly what it had been like at the start?

Wow, his mind was wandering.  Perhaps it was the effects of the stench of blood.  He felt almost primal, too. He was standing, doing nothing much, until Ichabod returned with some clothes and held them out to him.

"Oh, um, hang on," he said, and gripped the hem of his polo shirt in order to pull it up over his head in one clean sweep.  He used the shirt like a towel, wiping his chest first and then his hands.  They didn\'t feel clean, or look clean, with blood under his fingernails and smeared about his hands and chest where it had soaked through.  "Who would\'ve thought there was so much in that mug?" he said casually, trying to make light of what had happened.  "Can I borrow your shower?"