Clarified, Clarifying, Clarify

[pinkroses]

No, he hadn’t asked for more reasons than Ben came up with. He hadn’t wanted to. He hadn’t wanted any of them thinking about it for longer than they had to in case they all changed their minds. In case he’d had to go back to Cole after getting his hopes of being so connected to Kerr so built up and then potentially dashed. He’d just gone along with it all and for a while he’d been happy. So fucking happy.

And it sucked. It sucked that by the sounds of it his and Ben’s plans had been so similar, but it hadn’t worked out how they’d thought, which had been good for Ben and just left Ichabod hanging on.

As Ben finished Ichabod opened his mouth as if to say something, then shut it again abruptly. His gazed dropped to the t-shirt in his hands and he frowned at it in confusion, as though he’d forgotten he was holding it before he slipped it on over his head, trying to use the time to work out how to phrase what he wanted to say without it coming out wrong. But what was the point in thinking about it so long when it would probably get muddled anyway? When he finally spoke it was hesitant and jerky, but Ichabod tried to keep his voice steady as he smoothed down a few wrinkles in the cloth.

“I thought you would too. Fail him. Leave again. And I wanted to be there when you did… if you did. But you haven’t yet. And you make him happy. And I want to stop just… waiting. But I don’t know how. Not without actually leaving properly and I can’t do that.” Ben had left, again and again. And he’d run away to New York and caused Kerr so much heart ache.

Ichabod didn’t want to worry his sire like that and more selfishly he didn’t want to be so far away from him. The fledgling missed Kerr enough sleeping in a different apartment at night, a different city would be Hell. Maybe it was what he needed, to get away, but Ichabod was too afraid for that and didn’t have the motivation Ben had to make such a leap. It would hurt too much pulling off the bandage.

[Trillian]

Ben listened to Ichabod while his mind turned.  So Ichabod had hoped for a failed relationship as well; it was only natural for him to want it - but now his holier than thou personality was tarnished.  Of course Ben knew that Ichabod had been expecting such things, why else would he allow himself to be sired by Kerr while Ben was still in the picture?  But Ben had thought that this hope had been deeply buried, not at the forefront of Ichabod\'s mind - which was a great deal more manipulative than Ben had earlier believed.  Okay, he wasn\'t actively seeking out the failure of Kerr\'s and Ben\'s relationship, but still...

"You and I are more similar than you would like to believe," he pointed out.  "Maybe I\'m more what you would be like if you had the courage."

It was only once the words came out that he remembered his earlier promise to himself - to not antagonise Ichabod at any cost.  But hey, they were just talking, right?  He couldn\'t wipe the knowing smile off his face as Ichabod stared at him.

[pinkroses]

No courage? Ichabod knew there were a lot of things he was scared of, thing which made him nervous and he gave in far too easily, but he’d given up everything to be with the man he loved, with no guarantee Kerr would ever want to be with him properly. He’d stayed with the happy couple for two years, not saying anything. Was that courage? Stupidity? Weakness for not taking what he wanted? Ichabod had no idea. But he’d told Kerr he would wait, that he was waiting. Kerr knew. Maybe when it had first happened it had been buried, but he and Kerr had spoken about it recently and Ichabod knew he was just waiting around. And now he’d admitted it to himself it made everything harder.

“Well then I’m glad I’m a coward and you should be too,” Ichabod said coldly, trying not to let himself get angry at that smug smile on his brother’s face. He didn’t want to be like Ben. Maybe if he was he would have taken Kerr when he had the chance. When he’d come back for a weekend from university - Ben had been gone, maybe Kerr could have been his if he’d taken the chance. But then Ben would have come back and everything would have gone to Hell. That would have been even worse.

“I’m sorry I drank from you. I lost control. It won’t happen again,” he added, turning his gaze towards the door, clearly expecting Ben to start leaving. He’d thought they might actually be making progress, that they could have a decent conversation no matter how hard the subject matter. But Ben was Ben. And he just couldn’t seem to let that happen.

[Trillian]

He wasn\'t blind to the fact Ichabod was wishing he was gone.  The other\'s body language spoke volumes.  Ben had always been perceptive to body language, and was surprised by those who didn\'t.  At least Ichabod had managed to procure such understanding - otherwise he and Ben would\'ve bickered a great deal more.

"I accept your apology," he said, and then shot mentally

Other than being like you and holding a grudge about it for years and years

He thought he better make a hasty exit, before his block was weakened.  He had no way of knowing if Ichabod had managed to pick up that thought - he\'d ingested Ben\'s blood very recently after all, strengthening their connection.

"I\'ll see you next week?" he asked, but didn\'t wait around for an answer.  He sought and found the plastic bag that contained his bloody clothing, and left the apartment hastily, listening out for anything Ichabod might be saying to his back.

Like the coward he was apparently proud of being.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod\'s mouth dropped open in surprise as he heard Ben\'s mental jab and he took a small step backwards. What had happened? Two minutes ago they had been talking almost civilly and then Ben had turned on him viciously. Was it because he\'d admitted he hadn\'t thought Ben would stay with Kerr? Or something else he\'d done?  

It wasn\'t that he couldn\'t forgive Ben, Ichabod had no desire to do so. He didn\'t like the blonde, anything about him and didn\'t want to be friends with him. If Ben could remember what he\'d done, maybe it would be easier. Or if he wasn\'t with Kerr. Or if he wasn\'t such a stuck up prick. But he was. And every time they talked it seemed to end up going wrong, even when they both seemed to go into with the best intentions. Not forgiving Ben for bullying him was a way to keep him at arms length. An excuse to stay away from him as much as he could.

As Ben had probably expected, Ichabod had no response. He stood in shock then slowly followed after Ben as the blonde headed for the door with such a breezy sounding goodbye, as though he\'d done nothing wrong and they\'d just been discussing the football.

Ichabod wanted to tell him no. To say that if Ben came back he could stand outside the apartment and rot for all Ichabod cared. That he\'d never fuck him, even if it did mean he could be with Kerr. But nothing came out and the door swung shut behind Ben as the brunette flopped onto the sofa. He didn\'t want to be like Ben, but more courage, more eloquence, being able to react better under pressure... and having Kerr. Those things he did want. But Ben was always in the way and by the looks of it he wasn\'t going to be going anywhere.