Clarity

[Existentially Odd]

As he rode upward in the lift towards his home (and to where one blood bond called to him in a siren song), Kerr lamented that the circumstances were far different than they\'d been the week before.  Seven nights ago, he\'d been awash with lust and love, feeling guilty and remorseful that he still craved Jenna\'s company, her body, her soul.  Tonight... those feelings were heavily dampened and he didn\'t know what to think.  She was attracted to Sebastian.  He knew it, she knew it - Hell, the bloody ancient himself knew it! - but they\'d politely avoided the subject as much as possible and concentrated on having a perfectly controlled evening instead.  Just as it should be.

But he was sulking.

He didn\'t want to lose her friendship, her exclusive dates, her time... her love.  It was selfish and crazy but most of all he still wanted her to be in love with him.  Her and Ben and Ichabod. The whole car ride home he\'d been thinking on it, chastising himself for being a glutton, a love glutton, who seemed content only when he was collecting hearts and surrounding himself with people who genuinely cared about him.  He supposed it had a great deal to do with living four hundred years with entirely the opposite (though Sawyl had always purported love, it had never really been the right, healthy kind), but that didn\'t really excuse it, nor change anything.  Jenna was gravitating away from him, might soon enough find no time for him - even if it wasn\'t with Sebastian, he was merely indicative of a tide turning - might no longer love him.

Feeling sad and sorry for himself (truthfully, he was pouting), he let himself into the penthouse and wandered in with his hands in his pockets, his shoulders drooping.  Having looked so handsome and together when he\'d left, he looked quite the opposite now; he\'d run his hand through his hair far too many times and ruffled it into all sorts of weird angles, loosened his tie so that it dangled halfway down his chest and undone the top two buttons of his shirt.  His jacket was looped over his left forearm and he practically scuffed the marbled floor as he walked, the very picture of forlorn neglect.

Just beyond the foyer he came to a dead stop as Ben materialised before him.  Feeling the beginning stirrings of love and appreciation, he looked up at his lover hopefully, feeling wanted and needed to be met at the door.  The look on Ben\'s face didn\'t spell puppy-like adoration and worship, though; it told a far different and more disturbing story, one that had the emerging smile on his face freezing.

"We should talk," Ben said and Kerr\'s heart sank.

He stared at his boyfriend, smelling Ichabod on him and looking for any signs of horror or irreconcilable circumstances, but he couldn\'t decipher the exact nature of Ben\'s seriousness immediately.  "Alright," he eventually sighed in trepidation, knowing the news wouldn\'t be good (was it ever, where his two beloved fledglings were concerned?) and hoping Ben at least led him somewhere where they could sit.  He\'d already had a disheartening night and he wasn\'t sure he could take too many more blows standing up... in fact, the bed would be good.  If things got really bad, he fancied he could hide under the covers and choose not to face them at all.  That would be nice.

"Lead on," he invited, pulling his right hand from his pocket and gesturing forward with it, inviting Ben to guide him to the \'right\' place to have this little discussion.

[Trillian]

Ben gave Kerr his wish, though not because he\'d deciphered anything mentally or observed anything physically.  He\'d wanted a soft setting for what he wished to say, and so led Kerr into their bedroom by the hand.  He walked all the way to the bed and sat upon the edge of it, tugging on Kerr\'s hand while simultaneously lying back and shuffling, so that they could lie down together.  With Kerr on his left and settling down atop the covers, Ben lay on his side in order to look at his sire intently, before drumming up a smile - though due to the nature of his thoughts, it was a serious one.  With his head supported by his hand, he waited until he was sure Kerr was comfortable before beginning.

"Ichabod and I made a lot of progress tonight.  Good progress," he said, not wanting to put any of his visit in a negative light in case the word \'progress\' could be construed in any other way than his intended.  "But there were still a few surprises."  He watched as Kerr gave him a look that he read a bunch of different things into, but lifted his free hand and showed Kerr his index finger, signalling that he wanted him to wait a minute before speaking, in case Kerr was about to interrupt.  "Four things happened."

He lowered his hand and watched Kerr for a moment.

"First of all, we talked, quite civilly," he said, and smiled warmly.  "Over glasses of blood.  Then I ended up breaking mine by accident, all over myself.  That was one of the things that happened," he said carefully, before adding what he thought might cause an eruption.  "Then he asked to drink from me, and I let him."

He gave Kerr the time he needed for his reaction.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had dallied momentarily beside the bed, turning in Ben\'s grasp in order to toss his coat towards the armchair in the room, followed by his tie as he toed his shoes off and then climbed into his designated position on the bed.  There was another moment of pause as he removed his dress shirt and belt, dropping them by the bed, leaving him clothed only in his black slacks and a tucked-in white singlet.

He was frowning as he settled down onto his right side, automatically shuffling his lower body close to Ben\'s and sliding a leg in between his, craving contact in his morose state.  He rested his head on his hand much as his lover did and kept his torso angled back, though, in order to be able to look at Ben easily.  The information he received had him initially going quite still, baffled as he tried to decipher it.

"You broke a glass of blood all over yourself," he repeated slowly, obviously thinking about it as he spoke, "and so... he wanted to drink from you?  And you let him?" Kerr queried incredulously, his voice rising an octave on the words he emphasised.  He didn\'t even have any immediate thoughts of Themba, just of Ichabod drinking from Ben and how intimate an act that was, how it might have morphed into something even more intimate (and he could only think of when they exchanged blood and how that always ended).  "How the hell did you manage to break a glass of blood all over yourself?" he enquired quickly, quite off-topic but getting a bit nervous about the next step of Ben\'s story.

Still, deep in his mind, something resolute was denying that anything intimate might\'ve sprung from a drinking episode.  C\'mon, it was Ben... and Ichabod!  How ridiculous was that?!

[Trillian]

Ben nodded once, each time in answer to punctuate Kerr\'s questions as his sire wrapped his mind around it.  Ben mistakenly thought Kerr\'s mind went immediately to Themba, for Ben\'s had, and Kerr knew all about it.  If he knew that Kerr wasn\'t thinking along such lines, that he was comparing the drinking to what he and Ben did, he would be very surprised.

"I wasn\'t thinking about it when I was holding it, and we were talking about... my time in New York, and I clenched my fist, so the mug broke."  He specifically called it a mug this time, because that was what the thing had been, but he always considered drinking blood out of a container to be a \'glass of blood\'.  He mused on this fact, his mind avoiding the sensitive topic of New York, while Kerr was forced to follow that path due to Ben\'s bringing it up.  "It wasn\'t so bad," he said, before Kerr managed to say anything in reply, "with Ichabod.  I always thought he\'d have me on my knees before he\'d have himself at my throat," he said with a forced chuckle, implying the next part of \'the four events\' which he intended on telling Kerr.

[Existentially Odd]

The reference to New York did the trick and Kerr recalled instantly the time Ben\'s fear of death had caused him to mentally scream across a continent in order to summon him; it had been verbally denied at the time and he\'d only learned of the full horror when he finally did go and get Ben, yet it was the echo of that terror that would never leave him.  The insidiousness of it, of knowing someone who is part of you is so frightened that they crawl beneath your skin in order to bring you to them with no substantial noise, no words... just a blast of incomprehensible terror so profound it still gave him goosebumps when he thought about it, years later.

No, when told Ichabod had drunk from his blood brother, he hadn\'t thought immediately of Themba, for he had broken Ben and caused Kerr to have to reconstruct his beloved in so many more ways than simply feeding from him could explain.  Obviously, the nightmare hadn\'t yet ended now that Ben was safe and had reclaimed his emotions; perhaps that had made it worse, in the end.  He felt a little guilty for not thinking about it at first, but put it down to wanting to push such nasty things from his mind.  Like Ben, he never voluntarily thought on what he\'d allowed to happen to his lover two years before.

Kerr\'s tongue slid out to thoughtfully wet his lips as Ben spoke, his furrowed brow raising as he mentioned Ichabod having him on his knees.  Not his Ichabod - he couldn\'t believe Ben would think that of him, when he knew how reserved he was!  It didn\'t matter that Ben had forced it upon Cub once, Kerr believed such an act would never be instigated in return.  "No," he murmured resolutely, his expression calming as he looked at his love.  "He wouldn\'t do that, although... I never would\'ve said he\'d drink from you, either," he added perplexedly.  "Was it just that there was so much blood all over you that made him think of it?"

He found it hard to believe that Ichabod had dug into Ben\'s psyche enough to pinpoint the one thing that would really shake the man offering himself up for retribution and friendship - and perhaps he was seeing Ichabod as too innocent, but he\'d never displayed a vindictive nature before, he was too gentle - so Kerr thought it had to have just been an accidental thing.  Provoked by spilled blood or Cub not having fed yet... something.  Anything but a deliberate act of revenge, surely?

[Trillian]

The question gave Ben two clear paths.  One was a path of honesty, of moving towards the kind of person Kerr was and wanted Ben to be.  It was a path Ben wanted to take for himself as well.  Another path was a darker path of twisted implications and outright lies.  He could, if he wanted to, say the kind of words Kerr would need to hear that would get rid of Ichabod out of their lives.  Other than identifying that he had these paths available to him, there was no hesitation in the one he wanted to travel down.

"Well, yeah.  I was a bit primal from it too," he said, nodding.  "The smell of it was overpowering.  I wanted to... uh, drink and fuck.  Ichabod had the same kind of look, and he asked to drink from me."  He nodded, trying to imply his logical understanding of such a thing, but found himself unable to continue speaking and his face began to crumple, so he covered it with his hands, falling upon the pillow as he did so while he fought the fear and vulnerability that shook him so much more deeply than he\'d given it credit for.

Damn.  One second he\'d been talking normally and the next he was fighting off sobs as they threatened to rack his whole body.

[Existentially Odd]

His heart melted when he saw Ben\'s defenses crumble and he saw how deeply the experience of someone other than him drinking from him (with love) had had.  He shuffled close immediately, laying upon his own pillow, and enveloped his beloved in a hug, pressing kisses to his hands, his temples, his cheeks, wherever he could reach with his lips.

Despite feeling Ben\'s pain, he was relieved to hear that Ichabod had worn a primal look; it signalled to Kerr that the action of drinking had been a reaction to the blood, rather than a vindictive demand.  Both his fledglings had fallen victim to unfortunate circumstances.  In hindsight, Ben had endured the experience stoically and Kerr was very proud of him for that; he loved him all the more for failing now, when they were alone, but holding it all together so well up \'til this point.

"I\'m here, you\'re safe," he crooned, wanting Ben to feel he could speak about the experience within the safety of his own home, if he wished - or simply move on if he didn\'t.  "It was the blood.  He likely didn\'t understand how big an ask it was, demanding to drink from you - I still can\'t get over the fact that he did. There were obviously highly extenuating circumstances it... wasn\'t personal."

He was nuzzling Ben\'s face, otherwise he might have bitten his lip, then, for it didn\'t matter what Ichabod had intended from the act, it had become personal to Ben and he expected some backlash from his stupid comment.  He regretted it almost immediately.

[Trillian]

Ben was grateful for the embrace, the kisses and the soft words of comfort. When Kerr told him it hadn\'t been personal, he slid his hands away from his face and hugged Kerr back as much as he was able.  Still choking on an invisible lump in his throat preventing speech, he turned to mental communication.

I know, because he did know.  He\'d felt that odd instinct too. It had reminded him a little of being in Risk - though now that the feeding rooms were upstairs and closed off, it didn\'t smell so savage anymore. There\'s more, he confessed, and he hesitated for a short while before plunging ahead with the information.  We talked about you, about both of us wanting you. I offered him a place in our bed, and he seems keen.

Ben was glad his face was hidden at the base of Kerr\'s throat, and hoped his sire wouldn\'t force him away in order to look at him. It was easier to tell Kerr everything while enveloped in his arms.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s relief at Ben understanding the good intent behind his \'personal\' comment was shortlived.  When the next bit of information hit, he was glad that he wasn\'t looking at Ben, that his chin was pressed atop his lover\'s head, for his eyes opened wide at the wall beyond in absolute startlement.  If he\'d had a beating heart, it surely would have skipped a beat or three at that moment.

As Ben had taken the luxury of a pause before continuing his story, so too did Kerr, for he really couldn\'t quite fathom what such a thing meant.  Offered him a place in our bed.  Regularly?  Once... twice?  All three of them, or Ben and Ichabod rotating in and out like some sort of... strange turn-taking, revolving-door sort of service?

On some levels he was affronted.  How dare Ben offer to share him out like he was some piece of meat ready to spend time attending to two lovers?!  Did he not get a say in these matters, no chance to say what he desired?  Mostly, though, he was intrigued.  Weeks before they\'d had discussions about taking other lovers, about Kerr\'s ridiculous lust for Cain and Ben permitting him to indulge it (but he still hadn\'t been game, had still held himself back, worried about the implications, the possible complications, unsure of whether he trusted himself - he didn\'t even drink from the Oligarchy donors due to possible conflicts of interest, why would he start now, with a mortal he knew he had very little control with?).

There\'d been the understanding that Jenna and Ichabod were off-limits though, and after the night he\'d just experienced, he better understood why.  His love gluttony.  He was in love with Ben, but he\'d loved Ichabod and Jenna, too, and was well aware that the depth of their feelings for him was even greater.  Jenna showed signs of getting over him at last (as was her right, he tried to tell himself) but Ichabod hadn\'t and had implied he never would.  He\'d always be in love with him, it didn\'t matter who might populate his bed, or his life, he\'d be waiting for Kerr forever.  They had forever and that\'s how long he\'d wait to be Kerr\'s priority once more.

Pathetically, it was exactly how Kerr liked it.  Being loved was wonderful, having deep and caring relationships with multiple people that he adored was like sunlight to a plant, water to the parched, tenderness to the abused.  It empowered his soul.  As the one he was in love with, Ben was the primary source of all that was wonderful in his life, but Ichabod and Jenna - and even Ash and Mandy, should she ever return - were a part of him, too.  Ben was his only lover amongst them (now) and Kerr had thought that was how it would stay for at least a few more centuries.  Now he was being told that there might be more, a possibility of Ichabod being as physically close to him as he was spiritually.

How would that work? he asked eventually, holding back the brewing excitement, the trepidation he was feeling and managing to send only calm curiosity Ben\'s way with the thought.  He wanted to know how his lover envisioned Ichabod\'s inclusion in their bed and their relationship before he commented further.

[Trillian]

Ben waited it out, understanding Kerr\'s silence to be filled with much thought.  He guessed correctly that Kerr would land on irritation at being sidestepped for his opinion on who he would be sleeping with, and figured he\'d get over that thanks to who Ben had suggested.  While Kerr\'s mind wandered, Ben kept his own mind open, to feel or hear any stray thoughts that might slip out of his sire\'s head and give him a clue as to how it was going to go.  He felt a few tendrils of love and conflict, but no thoughts, and so he snuggled and stayed quiet, waiting for any comments or questions that would come his way.

When Kerr finally asked him what setup Ben had in mind, it was a question he could easily answer.

The three of us together, he shot back immediately, then with an additional and indulgent message; Properly, though, not just sharing mental orgasms.  He thought the time was right to let his sire know that he had sensed that sharing with Ichabod.  He\'d been quite surprised to glean the fact Kerr thought him ignorant to these stolen intimacies with Ichabod, and he hadn\'t decided whether or not he liked the secret of it. I wanted to know how comfortable he would be with me, so I offered to blow him.  He declined.

And there was that bombshell out of the way.  He\'d been planning to divulge Kerr\'s secret back to him hand-in-hand with this new information.  He\'d hoped that it would help put Kerr\'s anger aside - if he was angry.  There was no telling how Kerr would react to that.  The image of Ichabod standing in his bedroom, shirtless, came to Ben\'s mind, which was where they\'d discussed Ben\'s offer of blowing him.  The blonde\'s imagination embellished it with a vision of him doing it, as though Ichabod had accepted his offer, though it had that watery look that imagination had instead of the vivid picture of memory recall.  Somehow his mind had placed Ichabod on his bed at the Capital, with Ben kneeling over him, sucking and working his tongue while Ichabod groaned.  He sent this idea to Kerr, figuring it would also help keep his sire fixated on the sexual positives of this act, rather than on potential betrayal.

Funny, now that he was imagining doing such things to Ichabod, he didn\'t feel so resentful of his desire for Kerr or possessive over his sire, quite so much.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s chagrin at being confronted with what he\'d believed he\'d kept separate from Ben was prominant (he\'d suspected his and Ichabod\'s trysts might\'ve bled through all connections, considering he wasn\'t exactly lucid when climaxing and it was difficult to maintain focus at such times, and he was highly embarrassed now that he\'d bothered trying to pretend it never happened, ashamed of his attempted deceit) and this emotion would\'ve communicated clearly to his fledgling.  Swiftly followed by confusion and then... curiosity again, tinged with exactly the mix of sexual tension Ben was hoping to stir up.

The Irishman\'s eyelids fluttered as he was drawn into that imagery, of Ben pleasuring Ichabod, and as much as he knew it was a fantasy and something Ben had done (yet again) for his sake, he found it erotic.  That was wrong though, because something stoic in him had maintained a deliberate separation of feelings and even ways of relating between him and his two fledglings - never the two shall meet, sort of thing (or, in modern movie terminology, Never cross the streams!) - so to even imagine them together in such a fashion might be arousing, but it was also innately disconcerting.  Try telling that to his body, though.  It had quickened automatically, his hormones - already stirred by being close to Jenna all night - galloping away with his mind and inserting him in that scene, causing his body to harden... he realised he needed to focus and respond and tried to dampen his enthusiasm for such an occurence.

Kerr cleared his throat somewhat awkwardly, but continued speaking in his mind, as it felt just as natural.  You\'re... a minx.  You surprise me.  What motivated you to even think of including him?  To please me... or him?

[Trillian]

Because he could feel Kerr\'s sexual response against him, he reached a  hand down between them and rubbed almost carelessly while he returned a  response.

Both, Ben replied immediately, for he\'d mused over it quite a bit upon his return to the apartment and while waiting for Kerr to arrive.  He\'d been analysing the reasons behind his motivation.

I\'ve been selfish, with you, he was hurrying to add more before Kerr rode over him with protests.  I allowed Ichabod to be your fledge because you love him, and he loved you, and you needed a family back, and then I make demands that you can\'t express your love with him, and that he\'s not allowed to share his love with you, because I felt insecure.

He always would feel a little insecure, but only because of a history of failed attempts that he didn\'t know about.

[Existentially Odd]

"That\'s not... insecurity," Kerr managed, his body jerking lightly because of the shivers Ben\'s hand was sending through his body.  It was distracting enough that he couldn\'t think a reply... could barely think at all, so, with a chuckle, he reached down and withdrew the hand, raising it between them and linking their fingers.  He also drew back so that he could look into Ben\'s beautiful eyes, his expression wry.

"You make it almost impossible to think," he admonished gently, his body still shivery and tingly from the happy feelings first Ben\'s mind and then his hand had sent through it.  He took a moment to let it wash away a little, so that he could continue their conversation, now curling their linked hands down between their chests.  His leg had become restless and started sliding up and down between Ben\'s a little, but it wasn\'t a predominant issue, preventing him from responding.

"I\'ve never questioned you or thought you to be insecure when you are my partner.  I don\'t think it\'s insecure for us to be exclusive sexually; a lot of people argue that monogamy is an unnatural state for humans but I\'ve never found it to be so.  Despite having feelings for other people, I\'d never willingly act on them and betray you.  I\'m not in love with Ichabod, not like I am with you, and therefore the love I feel for him... it doesn\'t need physical expression, I don\'t feel.  Are you sure that\'s what you want?" he asked seriously.

Another reason he hadn\'t acted on the permission he\'d been given was that he still found it so hard to believe.  It was why he was questioning it still.  Could he really share his body with others and it be okay with Ben?  Really?  A vague thought that a three way sexual experience just might deepen his feelings for Ichabod stirred in the depths of his psyche and it travelled outward, down their bloodline, prodding at Ben, questioning... what if?  What if their dynamic changed because of it, what if love grew and there was suddenly more than just Ben as his priority?  What then?  It was a feeling, not a thought, of anxiety and uncertainty, a cry for reassurance.  If Ben had been insecure... why was he not so, now?

[Trillian]

Ben resigned himself to thinking it over once more, when the question was put to him while armed with Kerr\'s own concerns.  He felt the emotion thrumming along their blood line - much greater was their connection that his with Ichabod\'s, and he wondered at it, what Ichabod would feel when he was with Kerr.  Ben\'s blood with his sire was muted, thanks to a co-siring that he had no memory of.  After a long moment of pondering, returning from tangent thoughts and travelling down an already well-trodden path, he answered.

"I want Ichabod to trust me.  I want us to be so at ease with one another that sex with others doesn\'t put a strain on it.  I want us to be even, and right now I feel like I\'m...

soiled
damn, don\'t let Kerr hear that one

"...holding you back.  That\'s not quite right, but I can\'t think how to phrase it.  I don\'t believe your love for me will dwindle if your love for someone else grows.  That\'s what I was worried about.  That\'s what no longer worries me."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded, pleased with all of it except one part - and that had him frowning worriedly.  "It\'s not about being even, you know.  I\'m not keeping some sort of scorecard that says \'Ben\'s had this many lovers and you\'ve only had this many\', you know.  It doesn\'t faze me - especially since I know why you did so much of it."  He couldn\'t help but look a little grim as he referenced Themba, even though his expression was still predominantly sympathetic.  After a moment, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Ben\'s lips, just in case his beloved was following the dark and twisty path to thinking of Themba as well, when he shouldn\'t, and he wanted to bring him back to the present.

"So you say Ichabod seems keen?  Are you thinking this would be... a one-off occurrence for now?  Like... you\'ll come with me to stay with him tomorrow night or we\'ll ask him back here or... we\'ll wait a while to try it out?  I just... I\'m a bit hung up on the logistics of it, I\'m afraid," he addmitted with a little laugh and a shy grin, his eyelashes batting in order to support his next statement.  "My head\'s still spinning a little at the notion of it;  I mean, I was almost getting to the stage where I thought I might visit Cain but now this... " he trailed off and shook his head, indicating that he\'d use this proposal as an excuse to put off risking himself with Cain yet again.