Second Time Around

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s dreams had been inspired by the erotic images Ben had given him the night before, of them experiencing a threesome with Ichabod at the Capital.  It was unfortunate, because when he awoke after a long day toying with such things, his sexual appetite was refreshed, despite having fallen into a dazed sleep after satisfying himself twice with Ben in the dark hours of the morning before.  There was nothing for it but to have some wake-up sex as well, and then a shower to wash the scent of it off him before he packed his overnight bag and headed for Ichabod\'s apartment, thrice satisfied... yet still a little toey.

It was the idea of what would greet him when he met his youngest fledgling that had him the most excited; curious questions, some open discussion, perhaps even a tentative acceptance and possible date for going ahead with the plan?  It was hard to say, but Ben\'s belief that Ichabod was keen did nothing to settle Kerr\'s buoyant spirit and erotic hopes.  It would be a relief to freely express himself with both his fledglings, without fear of reprisal or them arguing (he hoped!) and he was eager to get the discussion underway.

In fact, he was so eager, that he didn\'t bother with the preamble of knocking and waiting.  He could feel Ichabod inside the apartment, so he did knock but it was cursory; he used his key to let himself in after that, expecting he would surprise his progeny and be swiftly met with enthusiasm at the door.  His smile was broad in anticipation, his hold loosening on his bag and dropping it on the floor just near the kitchen bench while he hung up his keys then turned and closed the door behind him.  He was wearing old blue jeans and sneakers with a faded black Pearl Jam T-shirt, untucked and clinging casually to his broad frame; perfect for lounging around, training and talking in.

Especially talking.

"Hello, Cub," he greeted enthusiastically, spying his fledgling where he\'d predicted, heading towards him from the lounge.  It didn\'t seem possible, but his smile felt even wider as his youngling moved towards him, their embrace swift and hard, arms wrapped tightly about one another the instant it was possible.  Kerr grunted slightly at the impact of their bodies colliding so enthusiastically, pressing just as tightly back against his slightly smaller companion, inappropriately aware of where their most intimate parts contacted.  "It\'s good to see you," he murmured huskily, leaning down to place delighted kisses on Cub\'s forehead, temple and cheek as his hands rubbed up and down the brunette\'s back lovingly, or squeezed him close alternately.  "I\'ve missed you," he admitted with a sigh, pulling back ever so slightly so that he could look into Ichabod\'s eyes while they hugged.

[pinkroses]

His arms wrapped tightly around Kerr\'s neck, squeezing lovingly and enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together. Close contact with Melissa had felt nothing like this. He could take or leave that, but every second with Kerr felt like it should be a hundred times longer. And he loved that Kerr had just walked in, it almost felt like he still lived here, that they lived here together, just the two if them.

He let himself imagine that for a while last night before day took him to sleep. Imagining being allowed to go to sleep with Kerr and not have to be sad about Kerr leaving the next night. Being allowed to just be with the man he loved. He\'d dreamed as well, but despite happy, contented starts, they had morphed, with Ben appearing everywhere, getting in the way, keeping them apart. Ben had offered a way in, but it came with conditions Ichabod wasn\'t happy with.

"I missed you too," Ichabod murmured, smiling broadly at his sire, although inside he didn\'t feel quite as happy as he would have liked to be right now. All he wanted to do was see Kerr, enjoy spending time with him, but Ben always seemed to mess it up. Why did he have to come visit the night before his time with Kerr? It just seemed to put a downer on the night. But Kerr didn\'t look like he was angry about anything like he could have been about the drinking from Ben, and Ichabod just wanted to enjoy this whilst he could.

But at least he hadn\'t shown up tonight. Ichabod had worried he might, that he\'d convinced Kerr a threesome was a good idea and that they should plunge straight in. But with how they left things Ichabod didn\'t even know if Ben would still want to do it, or if he would still think he needed to be alone sexually with his brother first. But Ichabod had no intention of doing that and he didn\'t think Kerr would encourage that like he had their talking.

"We should go sit down," Ichabod said, but he made no move towards the sofas or to disentangle himself from his sire other than sliding a hand from behind Kerr\'s shoulders to rest on his chest. He pressed a few chaste kisses against Kerr\'s cheeks as Kerr had done to him, wanting more but stopping himself as he got to the corner of his sire\'s lips.

"Ben told you everything?" he asked quietly, lifting his dark eyes from Kerr\'s lips to meet his gaze. Of course, Kerr wouldn\'t know if Ben had skipped bits, but Ichabod couldn\'t bring himself to say outright \'So I drank from your lover and he offered that we have a threesome before leaving under a cloud, what do you have to say about that?\'

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s mood was buoyed by being close to Ichabod, by the kisses and the welcome.  Also by his thoughts and dreams and the promise of having Cub again, sometime in the future.  He pulled back to grin down at his fledgling, sooth a hand over his face, through his hair, down his neck.

"He told me mad and outrageous things!" he cried incredulously, laughing as he spoke.  His brown eyes were twinkling and showing his excitement about the possible future.  "Of blood and drinking and invitations to share me like meat," he smirked, bumping his hips suggestively against Ichabod\'s to show that he was joking - and also because it felt rather nice.  "What say you on the matter, though?  You and Ben... I really can\'t picture you co-operating, even naked."

Again, his lips were twisted, showing that he was jesting even though he spoke the truth.  His fledglings barely co-operated when greeting one another, let alone fucking him, why should it be any different just because there were potential orgasms at the end of it - or was that enough encouragement?

[pinkroses]

Ichabod felt himself relax at Kerr\'s response, comforted that he wasn\'t taking things too seriously and he wasn\'t annoyed. This wasn\'t anything to worry about and Kerr\'s positivity was having a good affect on his fledgling as it seeped through their blood bond.

But it didn\'t make him feel better about Ben and Kerr was right, this would never really work, would it?

I don\'t want to sleep with Ben, see Ben, talk to him or having anything to do with him. Ever.

"He said if we do this, I might, we might, one day... maybe, be allowed to have it just with you and me. But we had to do that... \'sharing you like a piece of meat\' first," Ichabod said quietly, trying to lighten his tone by using Kerr\'s phrase, but having to sleep with Ben to get what he wanted, it felt very wrong.

"But if he\'s thinking about letting us be together without him anyway, maybe he wouldn\'t mind if we just..." His voice trailed off and he gave a small shrug, chewing on his lower lip.

"I thought I might be able to do it, but now, after how we left last night, I don\'t thinking can, or he could. And I don\'t know why he says he wants to. He doesn\'t like me at all either," he blurted out. It would just be awkward all round, a complete disaster.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr could hear Ichabod\'s thoughts, the vehemence behind his opposition to Ben\'s presence obvious and unable to be ignored.  It worried him, especially when that final sentence came out.  His left hand lifted from rubbing his fledge\'s back and pinched his chin gently, tipping his face upwards so that he could see his expression properly.  Ichabod would see the concern written on Kerr\'s face and feel his other arm pulling him even closer.

"What do you mean, \'how it ended last night\'?  How did it end?" he queried warily, internally cursing Ben for not telling him that there was any bad blood - so to speak - from his and Ichabod\'s night.  He wasn\'t surprised, though; it was the reason he\'d not brought Ben with him tonight.  Ichabod\'s perspective was always vastly different to Ben\'s.  Kerr had figured out long ago that he needed to hear both sides and land somewhere in the middle.  It still somewhat annoyed him that he\'d thought everything had been rosy from Ben\'s side, yet Ichabod had an entirely different view.

[pinkroses]

Fuck, so Ben hadn\'t told him everything. Or maybe he hadn\'t seen it as Ichabod did. Either way, Ichabod hated that Ben got to make Kerr happy and now he was putting in a dose of negativity. As always. He wanted to make Kerr happy too, but none of this was working. He thought for half a second he could maybe just brush it aside, pretend everything was fine, but he couldn\'t pretend, not when Kerr was looking at him like that.

"It\'s just, one second he\'s sweet as pie and I think we\'re getting along, then he\'s calling me a coward. And I apologised for drinking from him, which I never meant to do, and he had a go at me for not forgiving what he did to me. But that was ages ago now, and it\'s not that that makes me not want to be around him. It\'s him now."

Ichabod tried to step back, out of Kerr\'s grasp, feeling like he needed space, but if Kerr didn\'t let go he would carry on anyway, dropping his hands from Kerr\'s chest.

"I left our home because Ben and I didn\'t get on. And you sided with Ben after that, saying we should be friends and he should come around every week, but he makes me uncomfortable. I don\'t like him offering to blow me and thinking I would accept, or thinking I would fuck someone I can\'t stand being around, to get you." Ichabod had thought for a while he might even agree to it, Ben could be so convincing, but it would only make things worse in Ichabod\'s eyes. He didn\'t want to have Ben\'s judging eyes watching him at his most vulnerable.

But now Kerr would probably think he hadn\'t tried, or he was being overdramatic. Ben was golden boy, making offers, coming around, trying so hard, that was how Kerr would see it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr listened intently and let Ichabod go when he pushed against him, respecting his fledgling\'s desire to have some space.  He rather needed a bit himself, considering the disappointing news he was getting.  By the end of it, not only was he scowling, his tongue stud was rolling restlessly around inside his mouth, twisting and tapping while he fought through his own emotional reaction and worked towards some sort of peacable truce between Ichabod and Ben.

"First of all," he began sternly, lifting his index finger to reinforce that this was his first point, "I don\'t side with Ben.  I support his efforts to bring the two of you closer; eventually, I envision a family that can at least speak openly with one another and I\'m pleased that he\'s working towards mending fences, even if you don\'t like his methods."  He spoke crisply and Ichabod would understand that he was annoyed by his deep tone and very serious expression.

"Frankly, it\'s about the first selfless, meaningful act he\'s ever done for me, so forgive me for being excessively touched and excited by the prospect that the two of you might actually move beyond your own selfish, self-righteous little worlds in order to acknowledge the other with dignity and kindness and make my life a little easier," he added grimly, regretting his waspish tone but compelled to make a point from his perspective.  The last time he\'d done so, he\'d moved Ichabod out of the penthouse but with things only seeming to devolve into a more petty and convoluted game of \'he said, but he said\', he was really beginning to lose his temper and not be able to see the fucking point of any of it.

"Secondly," Kerr diverged away from self-pity and back to his original plan, his middle finger now lifted out of his fist to signal to Ichabod that it wasn\'t yet his turn to speak, "as far as I\'m aware, you were getting along.  Ben certainly thought so.  He endured a great deal in letting you drink from him, because his tormentor used to do so - to the point where he thought he would die another, real death - and as much as you thought he was being nasty to you, it was likely his mixed emotions getting the better of him.  I\'m just guessing there, but when he came home and told me about it, he cried, so I can assure you he wasn\'t unmoved by your interactions," he intoned rapidly.

He felt a twinge of guilt, sharing Ben\'s vulnerability in such a manner but hoped his beloved would forgive his betrayal.  He needed to make Ichabod understand that his perspective wasn\'t the only one here, that all three of them had a fucking vested interest in this working, even if it didn\'t become the sweet, happy, sexy land Kerr had stupidly dreamed it might, sometime soon.  He was beginning to think he needed to get Ben over here to have this conversation, in fact, so he could stand in the middle of them and fucking interpret what the other was saying when they spoke.  Neither of them seemed capable of fucking listening when they were together, it was all about postulating and nonsense!

Realising he was getting more worked up than the situation warranted - and that, with only Ichabod here to take it out on, his youngest fledgling would no doubt take that as an excuse to wallow in self pity and continue to tell himself that only he ever felt the wrath of Kerr\'s temper, whereas Ben slid happily away from it (not true, but Kerr didn\'t doubt that Ichabod couldn\'t see beyond his own fucking nose on such matters), as well as having Kerr\'s company for six nights out of seven - he rolled his shoulders and dropped his hand, doing his best to look at Cub openly and calmly.

"Anyway.  You apologised for it and he really doesn\'t blame you for the drinking, he put it down to the animalistic nature of the blood being everywhere.  He felt it, too.  In what context did he call you a coward?" Kerr frowned, opening himself up to Ichabod\'s perspective once more, now tha he\'d managed to express some of his own.  Tit for tat; he was as fucking childish as they were, if he let this bullshit continue.  Recrimination followed by wading into their arguments?  Stupid.  Something internal sighed its exasperation while he listened to his answer.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod felt a lump in the back of his throat as Kerr told him off, again, for giving his honest opinion. He hated it, he hated having to try to explain himself after Ben had explained himself so well. And hated feeling like he was telling on Ben, it felt childish and always ended up with him being told off like a child.

And when Kerr gave him a chance to speak, Ichabod had no idea how to respond. There was no way he could make this better. Ben hadn’t shown any of that emotion when he’d been here, Ichabod had had no idea how it had effected him and he felt a swell of guilt that he’d done that to his brother. He’d been trying, maybe not as hard as he could of done, but all he’d wanted was to make things better.

If he went on now to say what Ben had said, it was going to sound petty, pathetic, that he was getting worked up over nothing, but when their emotions had been running so high it had hurt to hear it. Despite the fact that he’d wanted to learn from Ben, to try to be more like him for Kerr. But being told they were so similar had been a shock.

But refusing to answer? Kerr could just take it from his head, or think he was pathetic for not saying and not backing himself up.

“We’re similar and if I had more courage I would be like him, which sounds like a stupid thing to get so worked up about now and… I didn’t know he was that upset, I’m sorry, he didn’t show it at all,” Ichabod said quietly, rubbing a nervous hand through his hair. “Are… are you going to go?” Ichabod added quietly, wondering how it had got to this and fully expecting Kerr to not want to spend the rest of tonight with him like they’d planned. To be honest he wouldn’t want to be around himself right now. Maybe that was why he couldn’t get on with Ben.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s thoughtful frown turned to one of surprise when Ichabod asked him if he would leave.  "Go?" he snapped.  "I only just got here - surely we can have a disagreement without me storming off childishly?  If Ben and I can manage to get through our disagreements, so can you and I," he finished decisively, giving a perfunctory nod like he was agreeing with himself.

Falling quiet, he then tilted his head as he regarded his youngest fledgling, reverting back to the initial comment he\'d made and taking a moment to think it over.  "He called you a coward because the two of you are alike but you don\'t have the courage to be like him?  In what way?  That sounds... very nasty," Kerr decided, not liking the wording Ben had chosen at all.  It sounded like he\'d deliberately goaded Ichabod and made a snide little comment to further insult him.

Silently, Kerr also began debating just how much Ichabod could be like Ben, weighing up their differences to himself.

[pinkroses]

“Okay,” Ichabod said quietly as Kerr snapped at him again. It certainly sounded like he wanted to leave, but at least he was being given a chance.

He opened his mouth to explain how Ben’s comment had come about, but then shut it again abruptly, pressing his lips together. Should he tell Kerr? It wasn’t like Ben had told him in confidence, they were both obviously going to give their sides of things to Kerr when they saw him, but this felt like something that was meant to be kept between them. But if he told Kerr their sire could take it badly, or really well, Ichabod sometimes found it difficult to judge which it would be. And he didn’t want to make Kerr angry, at anyone, but not saying would have that anger directed at him.

“Well… uh, I think it was because he told me he’d asked you to sire me to be his… backup. If he ever left you, I’d be here. I mean, not like he was planning to leave you, just, if he messed up again. And I told him, like you know, I want to be there for you if… anything happens. But I told him I didn’t want to just be waiting, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m just waiting, and I tried to do what you wanted, go out and… y’know, find someone, but going out and just hooking up felt really… shit.”

He had moved away from Kerr as he spoke, heading towards the seating area, hoping Kerr would follow him as he curled up in his usual corner, drawing up his knees to his chest and hugging his arms around them.

“There were times Ben just didn’t seem to care what he did and with who, I wanted to know how he did that,” he said quietly. That had been how new York had come up, Ben’s not caring - or apparently, caring a lot but hiding it away, storing it up inside until he cracked.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s expression became distant and he stared down at the carpet as Ichabod explained Ben\'s comments further.  It was a blow, but not something to knock him off his feet.  The jaded thing that had been burned and broken by Ben through the years actually sniggered knowingly at the message, unsurprised.  It wasn\'t all bad, though; Ben had been very likely to leave him again, so Kerr could see the reasoning behind Ichabod as backup.  It was exactly the type of cold and calculated thing that Themba\'s Ben would\'ve done, not trusting himself to emerge from the numbness he\'d coccooned himself in.

Thankfully, they\'d worked through that, with time and patience helping them, and Kerr could appreciate the words as being motivated by a time gone past.  Still, they stung a bit and his head stayed hung even while Cub walked away and found himself a new place to occupy.

When he spoke again, Kerr looked up slowly, a bitter half-smile on his face.  "You know, I was pondering where the likenesses between you and Ben were but now that you say that... ," he gave a shrug, the smile not reflected in his eyes, even though it hadn\'t yet snapped off.  "I believe what you need to do is not ask Ben, but find your nearest psychopathic, domineering, abusive and possibly even a little insane ancient and ask them.  It\'s worked twice for Ben so far and he\'s right, you\'re alike enough to make it work for you, too.  That way, you don\'t have to worry about feeling like shit with other people and you can be over me in no time."

It was at this point that he realised how very painful all of this was and how heavily it was weighing on his heart.  He blinked at Ichabod, the smile gone and sadness dragging the corners of his mouth down.  Defeatedly, he spun on his heel and scooped up the overnight bag he\'d brought, needing to do something or it might be him who\'d be crying next.  Taking his bag into the bedroom was a good idea, for it gave him the chance to move assertively, as well as get a little space between him and Ichabod.  He felt a blind fool to have not seen the likenesses between his two fledglings until now; they were different people, yes, but both so immature and selfish, motivated by their own little spheres of want, unable to stand the other because it was opposites attracted, not likenesses, right?

Ben was coming out of it, trying to do things for someone he loved, but Ichabod was younger, less secure, the last one to become part of the family and the one on the outer because of their past.  As he strode down the hallway, Kerr could see that Ben was actually a lot smarter than any of them had given him credit for, because if Ichabod opened himself up to sharing what they had, he\'d learn he was loved and appreciated in a much more concrete way.  He wasn\'t going to permit that, though, he couldn\'t see past Ben\'s supposed manipulations.  It had taken even Kerr this long to figure out what was really going on, what was at stake though, so he couldn\'t really blame the brunette.

He knew he should probably turn back and tell Cub what he\'d realised immediately, but he was still liking the idea of space too much.  He needed to get his emotions under control (and he knew what he was feeling would be no secret from his fledgling, but he still liked the idea of being in another room for a while) and it seemed an excellent idea to take his bag into the bedroom and lay on the bed for a while, so he did just that.  He would lay there on his back with an arm slung over his eyes until he felt better, and then he would go out and face Ichabod once more - unless his progeny followed after him and found him thus, in which case his arm would stay upon his face for quite a while.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod felt like he\'d been slapped by Kerr\'s words and he curled up tighter on the sofa, trying to figure out what had gone wrong, like he had so many times. He could feel Kerr\'s pain easily and wished there was something he could do to help. But it seemed like everytime he tried to help things just got worse.

When Kerr made a sudden move for his bag Ichabod thought for a second his sire had given up on trying to talk things through, but he disappeared into the bedroom instead of out the front door which was a relief. But it also meant he was going to have to try to come up with some way to fix this.

After a few minutes Ichabod cautiously made his way through to the bedroom to find Kerr since he hadn\'t reappeared. He wanted nothing more than to curl up beside the Irishman and hug him, to try to forget about everything.

But Kerr wasn\'t even acknowledging he was there, he was just lying there. And Ichabod didn\'t want to give any more excuses, anymore lame reasons. \'I was just trying to help\' was going to do no good. He didn\'t want to say again he would try, why should Kerr believe a word he said? And admitting he had no idea what to say or do was just more of the childish rubbish Kerr didn\'t need to hear.

Ichabod sat on the other side of the bed, crossing his legs and staying upright rather than resting his head on Kerr\'s chest like he wanted to. There was nothing he could say or do to make this better, and he didn\'t want to crowd Kerr, but going back through to the living would feel like he was abandoning his sire when he was in pain. Because of what Ichabod had said and done. He dropped his gaze to his bare feet, his fingers fiddling with the hemline of his jeans. He had to fill the silence though, so he eventually spoke, saying the first unrelated thing which popped into his head.

"I met Ash in Risk the other night. He helped me out when, um, someone broke my nose. He\'s nice, friendly. I forgot he lived upstairs," he said, trying to go for a light tone of voice but the hollow in the pit of his stomach was still there.

[Existentially Odd]

At the mention of a broken nose, Kerr\'s arm finally moved down off his face, his expression wrinkled up in perplexion as he rolled his head to be able to look up at Ichabod.  He was sort of upside down, but it didn\'t bother him enough to warrant sitting up, at this stage.

"Broke your nose?" he asked in disbelief, his voice high to match it.  It seemed such a strange thing to say and was certainly an effective topic changer - all his sad and sorry thoughts began to evaporate as he was given something new to think about.  "And Ash helped you out?  How?"

Instinctively, he mentally sought his friend, expecting not to find his presence upstairs as he was usually out whenever Kerr came looking for him.  Surprisingly, tonight he was not and there was a moment of contact before Kerr sent a feeling of greeting and withdrew to focus on what his fledge was saying.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod gave a shrug at Kerr’s response, glad that the older vampire was at least acknowledging him. But he guessed with a comment like that he couldn’t really have expected Kerr to just ignore it.

“He recognised me and got the vampire to apologise,” Well, kind of. He’d been going to but Ichabod had just wanted the whole thing over with. He hadn’t even wanted to let Kerr know, which was why he hadn’t got security in the end, with some encouragement from the blonde, whatever his name had been. At least telling Kerr had broken the silence.

“He just made sure I was ok and got me home and we chatted a bit, that’s it really. But he could have just ignored me, I mean, we didn’t exactly get to know each other when we met before. You two were pretty good friends, right? Maybe you should go see him sometime,” Ichabod added. Friends might be putting it lightly, they’d been up to all sorts, but Kerr was blue in Ash’s book, and that had to mean the movie star would like to see the Irishman again, even if it wasn\'t for sex.

[Existentially Odd]

"Mmm, he\'s home now, I just contacted him," Kerr mused, gesturing vaguely at his head with an airy hand before it dropped and he fell silent again, watching Ichabod thoughtfully.  Ash wasn\'t his priority right now.  Quite suddenly, he rolled over onto his side and grabbed Ichabod by the waist, forcing him to lie down beside him so he could hug him.  Laying beside his fledgling, being so saddened by him and having no contact wasn\'t helping; having their bodies pressed together had to be more reassuring, right?  At least Cub didn\'t fight him.

"I probably should ask you more about this nose-breaking thing," he murmured, his speech somewhat distorted because his lips were pressed against Ichabod\'s temple, trying to gain some sort of reassurance from holding him tight.  "But all I can think about is how you\'re rejecting me and doing your best to get away.  I don\'t want to lose you to not feeling or to some ancient asshole that rips your soul out.  I want you to be happy... with me," he confessed huskily.  "I hate that you\'re here, that you and Ben can\'t be together without there being an argument, it tears me up to have to referee and pick sides, why can\'t this be easier?" he exclaimed, the little laugh he gave contradicted by the fact that emotions were getting the better of him again and his voice was thickening with the threat of tears.

He felt more than pathetic to be beseeching the Heavens yet again, wishing for a life not so filled with trials and tribulations, but for fuck\'s sake, how did love get to be so hard?