Moving Forward

[Existentially Odd]

Thursday night broke cold and rainy, thunder rumbling and lightning streaking through the dark sky outside.  Kerr spent quite a bit longer snuggling in bed with Ichabod than he\'d anticipated he would, just because the weather was so good for it.  Saying goodbye to his youngest fledgling was difficult and they spent almost an hour at the door of the apartment kissing and hugging.
 
When he finally managed to peel himself off Cub, he drove back to the Chambers in a state of melancholy, sad to be leaving his one, happy to be returning to his only.  Well, his \'only\'... for the time being.  It was when he was travelling up in the lift, lamenting his loves and losses for the umpteenth time, that he realised his emotions were likely being unnecessarily intensified by the fact that he was thirsty.  He wasn\'t sure when the last time he\'d drunk was, now that he gave it some thought; no wonder he was intent on baying at the moon.
 
Still carrying his overnight bag, he got off at the library level, knowing Ben was in there.  He passed Sam on his way in and returned the handsome southerner\'s smile before wending his way over to Ben.  "Is this seat taken?" he joked, his voice warm with love and excessive affection in his needy state.  He placed one hand on the back of his love\'s chair and one on the table before him, then leaned down and gave Ben a lingering kiss, ignoring the spare chair completely.  He pulled back, in order to make eye contact with his beloved and smile at him.  "Missed you, did you have a good night?" he queried.

[Trillian]

Ben had taken advantage of the rainy night also, to snuggle himself into a nest of cushions and watch some television.  He\'d flipped through channels and settled on a travel documentary.  By the end of it, he found he really wanted to visit Austria and gather some experiences and sights for himself.  Throwing a couple of the cushions aside and not wanting to put them back into the storage cupboard that he\'d pulled them all out of, he\'d padded downstairs to the library in order to look up information about Austria and any supernatural sights or history it might have.  A country with such a rich, old culture was bound to have some stories to interest him.  He hadn\'t bothered putting on shoes, and was wearing khaki cargo shorts and a light blue ratty polo shirt that was comfortable though starting to need replacement.  He often hid it where Kerr wouldn\'t find it to throw away.

Upon entering the library he\'d signed in then gone immediately to the European section, not having to look up where it was because he knew this library by heart.  When climbing the stairs to get to the upper level, he\'d found Sam up there and the pair of them exchanged territorial glares before Ben searched for and found a couple of books that suited his interests and went back downstairs with them to read them at the desks with the comfier chairs.  It was a place that he was usually at, and more his territory than the upper levels.  Sam remained upstairs, and when he finally left Ben didn\'t bother looking up from his reading.

He was consumed with a tale he\'d just found about two (suspected vampire) brothers who\'d had a position of nobility in the early 1800s in a small well-known town called Baden.  Their tale was one Ben followed closely and though he was aware Kerr had entered the building, he\'d still been surprised to find his sire was in the library and grinned into the kiss as part of his hello smile before it gave way in order to kiss Kerr intimately.

"Yeh!" Ben said excitedly with a brief nod. "I want to visit Austria."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr, slightly taken aback, chuckled and quirked an eyebrow at his fledgling.  "Tonight?" he grinned.

[Trillian]

Ben gave him an admonishing grin and felt obliged to return the question, even though he could guess how it had gone by the way Kerr smelled.

"How was your visit?"

[Existentially Odd]

"Hmm... interesting.  Ichabod\'s not as keen as you thought, as it turns out," he sighed as he pulled the chair beside Ben out and sat down in it, an elbow on one arm and the other on the desk, his hands linked in the space before him.  He gave a shrug, showing that he wasn\'t too fazed by this fact - or that he\'d come to terms with it overnight.
 
"He wouldn\'t feel comfortable being with you and I can respect that.  I told him it\'s fine.  We don\'t need it.  Are you alright with that?" he asked, tilting his head forward slightly and looking up at Ben from beneath his brows.  He worried that Ben\'s attempts at making amends going awry would upset him and he hoped that his offhanded delivery in such a public place wouldn\'t turn out to be a mistake.

[Trillian]

Ben was surprised to find that Kerr\'s prompting hadn\'t swayed Ichabod into accepting.  He\'d believed that his fledge brother would do anything Kerr suggested.  Guess not.

"It doesn\'t bother me," he replied with a confused smile at Kerr, wondering why his sire would worry about how he felt.  He\'d suggested it, thinking it would make things better, but if Ichabod was that against it, then he\'d assumed wrong.  Why would Kerr think he wanted such a thing for himself?  It had been for Ichabod.

Hadn\'t it?

"Did you want to do something then?  Go out?" he asked, even though the weather didn\'t permit a lot of the more casual outings such as walks in the park.  "I\'m sure there\'s some kind of event on, somewhere," he said, explaining the kind of \'going out\' that he meant.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled indulgently at Ben, finding his pleasure in his lover\'s easy acceptance uncharacteristically intense but understanding it.  "Absolutely!" he agreed enthusiastically, then pulled an awkward face.
 
"I need a drink and a shower first, though - I\'m all moody because I haven\'t drunk anything in nights and it\'s got me all... " he trailed off, lifting a hand to either side of his head and describing the screwing motion of a man simultaneously juicing two oranges on his temples - it was an apt way of showing how screwy his moods were, due to is lack of sustenance.

[Trillian]

The mention of Kerr\'s needing a drink brought a light of realisation to Ben\'s face, for even though he and Kerr had spent only a minute together tonight so far and such a thing hadn\'t been overly obvious on the outside, the intensity had been thrumming through their bloodline.

Ben nodded, to indicate his agreement, with a cheeky smile.

"Do you want me to bring a bottle up?" he offered, as the kitchens were on a floor above them and he could make a quick stop.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr made a considering type noise as he got up, a plan for the night forming in his mind that didn\'t involve the two of them sitting in these library chairs any longer. A bottle of blood sounded good, for he was overly parched due to not thinking much about it and being kept busy with all the people in his life.
 
His erratic mind leapt to another conclusion as he tucked his chair in and straightened up and it gave him pause. He cocked his head and looked at Ben with a frown that showed he was considering something unusual. "Well, that or I could just stop off at Cain\'s room on the way up - just a quick call to see if he\'s in and then... drink and meet you at home for a shower?" he offered.
 
Tingles went through him as he contemplated seeing the mortal in his needy state but if he had the excuse of going out with Ben dangling over his head, he thought he would be far more comfortable with just drinking from Cain and breaking the ice, so to speak. Then perhaps he wouldn\'t think about him quite so often. He still wasn\'t too certain he\'d ever do anything with the boy but knowing Ben was waiting for him to go out would certainly help keep him on the straight and narrow.

[Trillian]

Ben stared at Kerr for a moment when this suggestion was made, his features schooled into non-expression, hiding his surprise.  Of course he remembered the offer he\'d made to Kerr about Cain; he\'d given permission for his sire to explore his attraction to the mortal, to take advantage of someone so willing to please, to not worry about any obligations he had to Ben because it was sex and not love (and the reason he denied Kerr dalliance with Jenna or Ichabod).  Since Kerr hadn\'t gone to Cain in the first two nights, Ben had thought the desire had lessened, and when a number of weeks passed and no more mention had been made on the subject (other than with Ichabod), Ben had thought Kerr had made a decision not to go to Cain and Ben had summarily put the mortal out of his mind.

Obviously Kerr hadn\'t.

"That would give me a chance to look up any events," he said, as though the convenience of Kerr stopping to dally with Cain was a great idea.  Oddly, Ben didn\'t know why he\'d suddenly felt defensive enough to mask his emotions.  He didn\'t feel jealous or angry, so why behave so self-consciously?  "See you then," he said, careful not to say \'see you soon\', in case Kerr indulged.

[Existentially Odd]

There was a sudden... distance between them and Kerr felt Ben\'s blood presence (for that was how he thought of their melded spirits) withdraw when he mentioned Cain.  It left him feeling bereft, that he was no longer being subconsciously coddled by his lover, even though he knew he was being ridiculous.
 
"I won\'t be long," he promised, meaning every word.  "Oh, and could you take my bag up?  I don\'t want to... " he trailed off again, making more hand gestures that vaguely described how awkward it would look for him to turn up on Cain\'s doorstep holding an overnight bag.  Ben watched him for a moment and then nodded, so he turned and walked away.
 
Once he was in the lift and heading for the twelfth floor, the nerves began to set in.  He was dressed casually in jeans, sneakers and a plain green polo shirt and he hoped that that was how all this would come off.  Casually.  Meaning he\'d be able to walk to Cain\'s door
 
without being seen by anyone
 
and be invited in like it wasn\'t a big deal.  After a bit of friendly chit chat, he could drink, thank Cain and go - he didn\'t even think they\'d have to sit down, the planned exchange was going to be so casual.  In his head, it sounded just that easy.
 
Unfortunately for him, there were two mortals - both young women - waiting for the lift to arrive when he got there and they gave him bright smiles, greeting him enthusiastically when he stepped out of the lift.  He mumbled and stumbled awkwardly through a greeting that should have been routine, feeling like they were watching him and judging him, even as they swapped places with him in the lift and headed downward with a wave.
 
Thankfully there was no one else in the corridor but he didn\'t waste any time now; he strode to Cain\'s door - the thirteenth, he was pretty sure (like he hadn\'t checked it and looked it up at least ten times in the last few weeks) - in long, enthusiastic strides and rapped sharply on it before he lost his nerve and snuck off somewhere else.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain had been playing a video game on his own, dressed only in blue sleep shorts and laying across the rug on his stomach, pressing buttons and tilting the controller with enthusiasm as he stared at the television screen.  When the knock on the door sounded, he immediately hit pause and got to his feet in order to see who his visitor was.  Not many people came to his door, he found, so it was interesting to see who had.  Vampires almost never did - he\'d be summoned by vampiric aides or chauffeurs, or visiting guests.  He\'d almost always be ushered to their room - sometimes he would be told over the phone which room on which floor he had to find.  It would always give him a bit of thrill when being summoned, because it would always end with a drink and sometimes with more.  He\'d been expecting Kerr since Ben\'s visit quite some time ago, and had been waiting to be summoned to the Luminary\'s quarters, but such a summons never came.  He played the part of a good little donor though, and ignored the others who jeered at him or played their two-faced games.  He wasn\'t here to make mortal friends, though he had made some regardless.  Not all of them were assholes.

When he opened the door and saw Kerr though, he was pleased at how well things had turned out.  He was mostly naked already, and Kerr looked sexy and ruffled.

"Hi!" he greeted eagerly, opening the door wider and stepping back in case Kerr wanted to come in, but not retreating too far in case he wanted to invite Cain to his penthouse instead.  "I\'m glad to see you," he said, finally, his mind finished.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans while he waited for Cain to answer his knock, aware of the mortal getting closer to him in a deliriously excited sort of way.  When he opened the door and was barely clothed, something clogged up Kerr\'s throat and he couldn\'t immediately speak past the lump.  His gaze drifted, his body responding as he looked at Cain\'s broad, muscular form and he felt a pull towards it.
 
Following that instinct, he stepped into Cain\'s room, his body inches from the pulsing, bare-chested one before him and reached over to pull the door out of Cain\'s grasp and close it with one hand, not looking away from mis-matched blue eyes in order to do so.  The door slammed a little harder than it should have, demonstrating the war going on inside of him for control over his baser emotions, but he didn\'t apologise for it.  He swallowed grimly, so that he could speak.
 
"I need to drink.  Are you... available?" he asked thickly, finding the eye contact intense and erotic, even though that didn\'t make sense.  How could simply looking at someone\'s eyes be arousing?  Was it because he knew how little clothing separated he and Cain?  It was boggling and heady, but it also meant he couldn\'t drag his gaze away, not even to look at the body he\'d fantasised quite ardently about for the past couple of years.

[Malkavian Riddler]

"You\'re the reason I\'m here," Cain said, nodding.  Of course he was available.  He\'d always checked, after every visit he had with another vampire, to see if Kerr had come for him.  He never had, and it was a running joke with the other donors.  Too bad.  Kerr was here now, that was all that mattered.  He was extremely attracted to Kerr, and he sensed that the vampire felt the same way about him.  He didn\'t have to be a vampire to feel the spark that ignited between them when they made eye-contact.  "Sofa or bed?" he asked, liking the way Kerr had taken charge and slammed the door shut, being confident and dominating and sexy, like vampires should.  He was the package, alright.

Cain\'s heart was skipping along merrily, and he thought his lips might be dry because of the way his breathing had become a little more quick and heavy, so he licked them, trying not to be too wanton but unable to resist sending a sexual message with his tongue.  There was no point not carrying through with such a promise, and before Kerr answered his question, Cain stepped forward and sank to his knees, reaching up for Kerr\'s belt.

[Existentially Odd]

Startled, Kerr grabbed Cain\'s hands in both of his, imprisoning them before they could touch his clothing. He then hauled Cain to his feet as if he weighed nothing at all and swung him bodily around, shoving him against the nearest wall (again, a little harder than intended, for he was lusting badly for the blood thrumming in this boy\'s veins and his judgment was more than a little skewed).
 
"Here is fine," he growled, not allowing Cain a chance to seduce him or service him or whatever he was trying to do. So far, Kerr had a fairly strong recollection that Ben was waiting for him and he was afraid to let that go; Cain was a whirlpool and Kerr could easily get swept into him and allow him to drown out all of his other obligations.
 
Pullng the mortal\'s hands apart and holding them down by their sides, he pressed his body against Cain\'s, pinning him to the wall and nuzzling his throat. He wasn\'t much for preamble right now; he was too thirsty. He bit after a few kisses and began drinking immediately. He shuddered as the first mouthful splashed into him, washing over the beast inside him and causing it to stir and thrash, wanting more. He growled as he drank, unaware that his grip on Cain\'s hands had loosened and moved to the mortal\'s hips to hold him in place.

[Malkavian Riddler]

When he was grabbed and bodily moved, Cain\'s emotions became a mixture of excitement, fear and lust.  Being shoved against the wall and forced to stay in place while Kerr began nuzzling his neck was restricting and disappointing while at the same time maddeningly exhilarating, adrenalin shooting through his veins.  As Kerr pressed his cool torso to his and began to drink, the doping effect took over and a happy pleasure tingled a course throughout his body, mostly loitering in his groin.  He couldn\'t get the leverage he wanted because of the wall at his back, but with his fattening erection straining the thin material of his shorts, he could thrust himself upon Kerr and at least get something out of rubbing and grinding himself against the vampire.

He used his newly freed hands to grope Kerr, tugging at his shirt and lifting it up so he could get his hands beneath it and stroking the flesh of Kerr\'s back.  He left that to hook his fingers into the belt at Kerr\'s sides in order to attempt to lever Kerr\'s hips back and forth. He pleaded and cajoled while being drunk from, making filthy promises that could make some men blush.

[Existentially Odd]

The torrent of emotions that came with feeding from someone living and eager flared through Kerr, causing him to respond instinctively. As it had begun with Ben so many years ago, his gratitude at being given potent, intoxicating sustenance from someone young and healthy rose and made him want to share his pleasure, his bloody, bestial satisfaction. Somewhat unfortunately, Cain\'s reaction reminded him a great deal of mortal Ben and the writhing, wanton way he\'d reacted to a feeding; Kerr hadn\'t had it in so long and it was a heady thing, encouraging him to get carried away despite the honourable intentions he\'d had when walking into this room. His blood satisfaction would equal Cain\'s sexual satisfaction (as Ben\'s never had).
 
Releasing Cain\'s hips, Kerr\'s hands split up, one diving down the front of Cain\'s shorts and one down the back. He kept drinking hard while his hips shifted back to allow room for him to start stroking the smut-talking mortal\'s cock, his touch sure and milking. His hand on Cain\'s ass was more of a tease, clenching each cheek alternatively, brushing and squeezing and working them before plunging fingers in and prodding his hole in a way that he knew would work wonders with the rhythm his other hand and his mouth were keeping.
 
He didn\'t stop to question Cain or make excuses about not wanting to reciprocate; his aim was simply to overwhelm the mortal and leave him happy.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Kerr was right when he thought such a move would overwhelm the mortal for it took Cain to new levels of ecstasy.  Fucking while being fed from was always good, but acts like this were perfect.  He couldn\'t have dreamed of a better scene, and would be playing this one over in his mind while in bed many a time.  Right now he was caught in the moment.

Once Kerr\'s fingers began delving into him while stroking, Cain\'s response began to become more intense and erratic.  He lost his ability to communicate and turned to grunting, groaning and crying out instead, rocking in time to Kerr\'s ministrations and liking the fact the vampire was keeping him guessing as to when they would tease or plunge, all while being milked in a wonderful rhythm.  Cain had the sense to warn Kerr that if he kept this up for too much longer that he would cum, not wanting to spoil things for himself in case Kerr had further ideas for him.

[Existentially Odd]

It was exactly what Kerr wanted and so he didn\'t relent, drinking until Cain started bucking against him.  In the wash of the boy\'s orgasm, Kerr bit his tongue and closed the holes in his throat, kissing and licking his smooth, hot flesh while the mortal rode out his climax.  The hand on Cain\'s ass was a support to help him stay on his feet (in case he was overly weakened by the orgasm and the drinking) and the other stroked until Cain was flaccid and his breath had returned to something closer to normal.
 
At that point, Kerr (who\'d spread his feet at some time to better support them both off the pivot of his groin) leaned his torso away and looked down into Cain\'s lovely eyes.  He was hard in his jeans and it was a pretty obvious rod pressed against Cain\'s hip but he wasn\'t planning to do anything about it now.  Thoughts of taking himself up to Ben like this rose and were dismissed; he wasn\'t even confident all of Cain\'s cum had spilled behind the thin screen of his shorts and half expected there to be a telltale patch or a spray of it on his jeans when he pulled back.  How would Ben react?
 
"Can you stand?" he queried, unwilling to step back from Cain until he was assured the mortal was fine.

[Malkavian Riddler]

"I have the wall," he replied, leaning against it while gazing up at Kerr through his lashes, humbled by his experience with Kerr.  He\'d always believed he would be the one taking Kerr down this path, rather than the other way around.  He wasn\'t silly enough to feel guilty over it, but held Kerr in a much higher regard - something he\'d thought impossible.  He stared at Kerr, wanting this moment to last, but reading enough of Kerr\'s body language to sense that the vampire believed their tryst for tonight to be over.  "I want to do something for you," he said plainly, "I want to make you groan and sigh."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr grinned and gave a chuckle as he stepped back, looking down to inspect his jeans.  As predicted, they\'d been sprayed and he had quite a wet patch extending alongside his tented zip.  Oh well, he had enough blood in him now to block anyone who ran into him from noticing it.
 
"Maybe another night.  In a couple of weeks, when you\'ve made back what I just took," he said airily, reaching into his jeans in order to adjust himself for a more comfortable ride up in the lift.  The smell of Cain branding him wasn\'t helping him go down and he knew he had to get out of there.  With a cocky smile, he headed for the door, anticipating a smooth exit (pulling his shirt down as low as it would go).
 
"Take care of yourself until then."

[Malkavian Riddler]

He couldn\'t be disappointed, not after what had just happened, but Kerr\'s words promised him another visit even while they promised him another wait.  He could wait with a smile on his face now, and to avail himself for Kerr.  He\'d definitely log himself in as drunk from an unavailable for a couple of weeks anyway, not wanting to risk someone else booking his time and taking from him what he wanted to give to Kerr.

"Already looking forward to it," he said eagerly, not moving away from the wall which felt it was helping him stand more than his legs were.

[Existentially Odd]

Thankfully, Kerr made it to the elevator without incident.  When the doors opened to the penthouse, he could be seen standing in the metal box staring rather dumbly at his hand.
 
It was covered with drying cum and he couldn\'t believe he hadn\'t even stopped to wash it.  It seemed so... unlike him.  That hand - and his behaviour over the past fifteen or so minutes - bothered him more than anything else.  Cain made him do crazy, arrogant things, made him act in ways he didn\'t normally.  It could\'ve been put down to the blood lust he\'d had... but he doubted it.  It was Cain.
 
After a few moments of staring, he pushed off the wall and headed for his bathroom, absently wiping the offending hand on the back of his jeans.  His walk was slow and thoughtful as he took stock of the sexual desire coursing through him.  It was funny how he\'d been mostly disconnected from it while feeding from Cain but with every step away from the mortal he was remembering how he\'d moved, what he\'d said, how he\'d felt... and wanting to drive into him like a nail into wood.  It was obscene how horny he still was and he wasn\'t quite sure what he should do about that.
 
Feeling Ben in the study, he decided it would be the better part of valour to get himself cleaned up before he approached his lover.  He headed for the bathroom, dreamily undressing and shoving his stinking clothes deep down in the hamper.  He considered calling for an early pick up, just so Ben wouldn\'t have to smell it - though he figured, from the air quality, Ben had already showered and likely wouldn\'t need to come in there again that night.
 
Kerr had a cold shower, cleaning up his thoughts as he cleaned up his body, and it mostly worked.  By the time he got out, his body wasn\'t roaring with need (and he\'d had to resist touching himself to relieve it, rather than just getting control of it).  Of course, he\'d spent longer in the shower than he had with Cain, but that was by the by.  Wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked in to where Ben was, doing a bit of a double take when he found his lover in his underwear but forcibly pushing thoughts of Cain aside and approaching with a gentle smile.
 
"What looks good?" he queried, positioning himself on the desk by the laptop Ben was using to find out what was interesting to go to in the city, his hands either side of his thighs, gripping the edge of the desk.

[Trillian]

Ben hadn\'t dressed after taking a shower because he\'d figured he could choose appropriate clothes after deciding where they would go.  He\'d continued browsing until Kerr was visible, then he\'d sat back and watched his sire make his way over to him, towel around his hips.  He looked back at the screen just as Kerr asked his question.

"There\'s a few different kinds of bands playing in pubs nearby," he said, thinking that walking a short distance under an umbrella wouldn\'t cause them to be too wet.  "There\'s a wine and cheese night at the Qamar, to go with their opening of a black and white photo exhibition," he said, and was more interested in attending this, though not for the wine and cheese.  "The photos are supposed to be new and interesting perspectives around the city," he said, reading from the small text on the screen.  His gaze followed the words downward and he scrolled the mouse wheel a couple of times before he found the third and final option he wished to present to his lover.  "There\'s a play running at the Tiny Theatre, called Out Going In, about imaginary friends."

He looked back at Kerr inquiringly.  What his sire chose would dictate how Ben dressed.

[Existentially Odd]

When Ben stopped speaking, Kerr realised he\'d barely paid attention to a word he\'d said.  He\'d been too busy marvelling at the fact that Ben didn\'t ask him... anything about what he\'d just got up to.  He\'d seemed interested in what he and Cain would do when they\'d first begun discussing it but now... Kerr definitely got the impression of distance.  Was he waiting for Kerr to tell him what happened?  Or did he no longer want to know?

Frowning slightly - external evidence that he was worried - he reached over and cupped Ben\'s cheek in his hand, tilting his head gently so that they were looking at one another.  "I didn\'t fuck him," he said quietly.  "I drank from him, gave him a hand job to keep him happy and walked away.  Back to you."  He paused, his soft words dying away into silence that was broken only by the drumming of heavy rain on enormous plate glass windows and the rumbling of near-constant thunder.

He wanted to know what Ben thought so badly that he couldn\'t wait for it to come unprompted.  "Do you want to know or... should I keep it to myself?" he whispered, his thumb brushing fretfully against Ben\'s high cheekbone.

[Trillian]

Ben's expression was carefully blank but then performed a dance through a variety of emotions after being told Kerr had returned to him after not doing anything with Cain.  It was funny; his head had been very logical about it, that he really thought he'd be okay knowing that Kerr was getting sex from another person, because Ben remembered his promiscuity after returning from New York.  It felt wrong that Kerr had been so dedicated to him, so faithful, and he'd run around sharing himself with anybody handy just because he'd been emotionally messed up.  Ben considered Cain to be a kind of side-dish for Kerr, but being upstairs thinking of Kerr doing things with Cain had made him feel strangely uneasy.  Perhaps if Ichabod had accepted the idea of a threesome, Ben would've backed out at the last second.  Now he would never know, but he was less sure about how he would've behaved.

"I want to know," he replied finally, once his expression finally settled on something akin to peace.  Kerr wasn't hiding anything from him, and he was here with him, and that made him feel a great deal better.  Maybe hearing about what they got up to would bring his emotions a little closer to his logic.

[Existentially Odd]

Since he'd revealed the gist of his encounter with Cain, there was only one other thing he wanted Ben to know and to do that, he reached down and took his lover's hands in his own.  With a gentle smile and a softly spoken, "C'mere," he tugged on them and urged Ben to stand.  Drawing him into the lee between his legs and linking his arms loosely about him, one of Kerr's hand held the opposite wrist in the small of Ben's back, fingers lightly contouring the blonde's ass.  A familiar thrill of love surged in his chest when their gazes met and his body also responded to his mate's proximity; the fact that his actions had dislodged his towel and there was quite a lovely amount of flesh on flesh contact certainly helped.

"I thought of you while I was with him.  The way he makes me act... the way he responds... reminds me of being with you those few times all those years ago, when you were mortal and I was stupid," he smiled deprecatingly, knowing he shouldn't regret how ignorant he'd been but unable to stop it.  In hindsight, he was relieved that he hadn't thought of Jack, who was a far more recent occurrence of such things (though his similarity to Ben, thankfully, had essentially ended with his appearance so it was unlikely Cain would trigger thoughts of Jack).  A frown eliminated the smile as his confession continued.  "I don't necessarily like that, though - how he takes me back to stupid, encourages me to act... differently.  Not myself.  I told him he could... please me," he described, having had to pause a moment in order to decide how best to phrase himself, "in a couple of weeks, when he's made his blood back.  But I don't know.  I don't know that I should."

The confession ended quietly, his expression querying, seeking confirmation or contradiction - a reaction one way or another that would tell him what Ben's feelings on the matter were.  It was easy to be rational here, with his beloved in his arms; easy to dislike the instinctive, lusting creature he became when he was near Cain and to condemn and promise he wouldn't sink to that again.  He was also smart enough to realise just how stupid that was, though, and to understand that he'd renege in a heartbeat in a fortnight's time, once he was away from Ben.  What his lover said now could help dictate his future actions and sway him back to the path of logic, though, so he was eager to isten.

[Trillian]

Ben was happy enough to surrender himself into Kerr's hold, and the closeness with his sire comforted him on a level far deeper than trivial reassurance.  He nuzzled his face against Kerr's flesh, absorbing his smell and attempting to retrieve his calm through osmosis.  It was the same as it had always been for Ben; stoic on the outside, overly analytical on the inside.

"Insecurity," he said suddenly, after Kerr had said his piece.  "I don't doubt you, I'm not afraid you'll leave me and go to him.  We've been through the trials already and he's..." Ben pulled a face but had to say the word, though it sounded cold and elitist, "insignificant."  He shook his head as a form of unspoken apology for thinking such a thing about the mortal but it was truth enough that he couldn't pretty it up with a different word.  "It's lust, what you have for him, that reckless passion.  What we have is deeper, stronger, but isn't the same.  I don't want you to miss out on that.  I want you to have that... intensity."

Even if I'm insecure about it
In my heart
My head knows better

He knew his thoughts had gone to Kerr, for he wasn't blocking himself due to his desire to communicate his emotion, but there was still more to say.

"I would feel more insecure keeping you away from it.  I feel like we'd last longer together if we don't hold each other back from exploring other options."

Kerr was likely to get the sense that Ben wished for him to explore his options, rather than Ben's own desire to experience someone else.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's eyebrows lifted as Ben communicated that he was insecure - it was an admission he found he hadn't actually expected, since his lover had been so encouraging.  Obviously time and a dose of reality had pushed him to realise he wasn't beyond being affected and somehow Kerr loved that about him even more.

more
how can I love you
more?
... because of the trust
he still has to gain back
I trust-
-but not completely.  Still.
...


These thoughts were his own and guilt effused them - especially with Ben's final comments.  This time, Ben really was committed to him, to their longevity... and he was the one hiding kernels of himself in dark places just in case.  In case things changed, in case Ben left again, in case Ash was right.  He didn't want it to be so, and certainly didn't want to admit it to himself, but there was still a part of him deathly scared of being hurt again.

When Ben spoke like this, though, when he volunteered his true feelings and talked about the forever they had the opportunity to explore, that fear seeped out of him bit by bit and left love in its wake.  Love that had always been there, just buried where it was safer.

"I love how honest you are now," he whispered reverently, pressing kisses to Ben's head.  "As long as we keep communicating, we'll be fine.  We'll prove them all wrong," he murmured, thinking of Ichabod and of Ash and his accusation that Ben was an asshole.  If Ash could see them here and now, Kerr knew he'd understand.  His grip on Ben tightened instinctively as he recalled those barbs and the desire to defend his beloved rose on an entirely subconscious level.

[Trillian]

Ben wanted to lift his head and search Kerr's eyes for how his words had affected him, for Kerr had going quiet for a moment afterward.  Thinking time.  Ben's mind ran through a dozen scenarios of what he could be thinking, and almost all of them were negative, until Kerr finally spoke and he relaxed again.  He did look up then, allowing himself to gaze into Kerr's face and smile at him, unaware of the conscious assessment of trust Kerr was in the process of.  Ben only remembered the first six days, and running away to New York, and after two and a half years, such memories were already losing their vibrancy.  He didn't remember running from Kerr to Lazarus, or running between Kerr and Arles.  It had been a pattern he failed to see because he'd only done it once, in his memory, rather than several times.

He wondered to himself who Kerr meant when he spoke about 'proving them wrong'.  It sounded like one of those things that was said, a non-general statement, but it was an odd turn of phrase to say it here and now.  Ben knew about those whisperings behind his back that he was too high and mighty just for sleeping with the city's leader, or that he was bossy or haughty or intimidating or an asshole.  It bothered him but didn't nag at him because it was just gossip spoken by ignorant folk who had nothing better to do than assume they knew what his relationship with Kerr was like (though with chagrin he'd observed in Ichabod's time at the Chambers, everybody had seemed to be his friend).  So who was Kerr talking about proving wrong, that their relationship would end.

The mimic demons?  The other Oligarchs?  Ichabod?

He'd have to ask his brother about that when next he visited.

[Existentially Odd]

Unaware of how his quite particular thoughts were being generalised and extrapolated upon by his smiling lover, Kerr gazed back and found himself melting.  It was strangely liberating to allow himself that feeling after so long, even though it was terrifying, too.

"C'mon," he husked, kissing Ben's nose, "this weather is best experienced in bed with that bottle of blood and a whole lot of sex - we can see those photos tomorrow night, what say you?"

He was unsurprised when his suggestion was met with enthusiastic agreement.