Accused, Accusing, Accuse

[pinkroses]

Ichabod raised an eyebrow slightly at Ben’s admission, opening his mouth to speak but then shutting it abruptly, not sure what to say to that. He actually missed having him there? Ichabod couldn’t help but give a small smile, the blood he’d just drunk rushing straight to his cheeks.

“I always thought I was bugging you when I’d show you stuff or ask you stuff. . But I wanted to tell someone,” Ichabod replied finally. “Well, not always. I mean, yeah, I miss it too sometimes,” Ichabod said, nudging the toe of his sneaker against the floor of the lift gently. Even when he’d felt like he might be disturbing his brother, Ben had seemed different in the library, more patient almost.

[Trillian]

Ben grinned back, pleased that he'd said the right thing and received a positive response.  The smile changed his whole face, considering Ichabod usually saw expressions that were unreadable, disdainful, frowning or downright surly.  The lift was rapid enough to deliver them to the ground floor before Ben had any real time to reply.  It bonged to announce their arrival, and Ben pushed off the wall in order to enter the foyer.

"You know, it's weird coming here again, because it's so familiar.  It feels like a second home," he commented.

[pinkroses]

"Yeah? Well... I dunno, it feels different to how I thought it would," Ichabod said as he followed Ben out of the lift, strolling with him to the main entrance. "Like, I lived here with Kerr, but it feels different now. Ash is upstairs, but it's kind of... lonely. I can feel Kerr's not too far, but..." his voice trailed off as the fledgling gave a shrug. He missed waking up and feeling Kerr was only in the next room.

"I guess I'll get used to it though. It's like being home sick." but he'd never felt this bad leaving his parents. He took in a deep breath of the cold air, running a hand through his messy hair as he glanced sideways at Ben. He didn't know why he was suddenly saying this, but his brother had admitted something, Ichabod felt he should reciprocate.

"never mind, I'm rambling," he said softly as they wandered along.

[Trillian]

Ben was attentive as Ichabod spoke, but shook his head as the last comment came out.

"No, you're not," he said, wanting to say more but hesitating as they drew closer to the doors and the doorman saw them coming and opening it for them.  He thanked him and they turned in unison, heading southward, towards a lot of the city's attractions, including Pisky Memorial Park.  He continued after a few more steps were taken away from the apartment building.

"It's the fledgling/sire bond," he said.  "It enhances every emotion you feel when you're away from your sire.  It's what I felt in New York.  The further away you are from your sire, the more... dramatic... everything seems to be.  Kerr's a calming presence."  He mused his own words, then thought best if he confirmed what he was saying with Ichabod.  "Well, that's how I feel.  Maybe it's different for different fledges?  I'd think the blood bond we share would make us the same, but your connection with Kerr is twice as strong as mine."

He'd said it matter-of-factly, but a pang of jealousy hit his heart all the same.  He didn't remember his siring, but he knew he had two sires, and his other one was far away at the moment, but there was still that tiny tugging.  He had a bond with a vampire he didn't even know what he looked like.  It was unusual, to say the least.

[pinkroses]

“I don’t know how you could have stood going that far from him. How some fledglings just don’t ever see their sires or live anywhere near them,” Ichabod said, a frown on his face as he stared at the pavement in front of them rather than paying attention to where they were going. He kept thinking he was doing so well, that he could do this, living away from Kerr for as long as it took. But then when he thought about it and sometimes when he was alone with no distractions he was miserable. It came and went though. Maybe with Kerr’s moods as well. It was hard to know.

“I know you had your reasons,” he added after a second, before they started going around in those circles again, but he couldn’t help himself from commenting as Ben compared their blood bonds. “That connection, sure, maybe, but he’s in love with you,” Ichabod said, halting his step for a second to look at Ben properly, before carrying on walking.

“We shouldn’t talk about this stuff.”

[Trillian]

Ben hadn't taken Ichabod's musing as criticism, for the nature of their conversation felt light.  When Ichabod spoke of love, however, he glanced over at him, and wondered if it had been this short motion that had caused Ichabod to instinctively clam up and declare the subject taboo.  Ben considered responding to it anyway, and what kind of fallout there would be.  He was hoping now that they'd begun speaking candidly - and Ben kept his reply positive - that Ichabod wouldn't be sore at him for continuing this line of chatter.

"He loves you too, very much," Ben insisted.  "People fall in and out of love all the time.  You might get your turn yet.  I don't think there'll be a finality to our relationship if that happens," he continued, though speaking more to himself than to the other vampire beside him.  "I think the kind of love he has for the both of us runs deeper than... sexual love."

He'd hesitated because he hadn't known what to classify the 'in love' part.  It was more than sexual love, he knew, but he hadn't wanted to say 'relationship love' because it was all relationship based love.

Mentioning the word 'sex' also brought up to the forefront of Ben's mind a confession he'd wanted to make.

"Sorry about pushing you about the threesome thing, too," he said as they were walking down the street, and Ben chose to ignore the sudden turning of a passerby's head as she overheard that part of their conversation, while walking the other way.  "I didn't really think it through.  I can get an idea and be a bit... single-minded about it."

[pinkroses]

“I know he does,” Ichabod put in at the declaration that Kerr loved him. Of course he did. He felt it, but he also knew how different it was to what Ben and Kerr had. And so maybe, in time, Kerr would fall in love with him properly… but why should he? Just to replace Ben? Yes, Ichabod wanted to be there for him then, if that ever happened, but Kerr’s feelings for him wouldn’t automatically change and they’d been this close for so long, maybe they never would.

The fledgling’s cheeks flushed slightly as Ben brought up the threesome again and he folded his arms across his chest as he gave a shrug. To be honest he wasn’t surprised Ben had brought it up, he’d been expecting him to tonight sometime, but he hadn’t thought it would be accompanied by an apology.

“Yeah, you do, but it… it’s fine. Thanks… for apologising,” he said looking across at his brother, wanting the blonde to know he did appreciate that. “Just… what I don’t get is why you wanted to. Kerr said you wanted us all to be together before you let me and him be together, but… I dunno, if I was saying someone I loved could go sleep with anyone else, I wouldn’t want to be a part of it.”

[Trillian]

Ben considered Ichabod's words, for they made sense, but the other fledge didn't have the same history as Ben and Kerr, along with the same problems.

"I know that Kerr and I had the most trouble when there were secrets kept between us," he told Ichabod, and was fairly sure Ichabod had probably known this, just that it wasn't present at the forefront of his mind.  Why would it be?  It didn't affect him.  "So it makes sense that there shouldn't be any more."

Even though thinking about Kerr with Cain had made Ben uncomfortable, he'd still made sure Kerr told him about it (and it had just been a charged drinking session, after all, though Ben knew there would eventually be more), and it hadn't created as much jealousy as Ben thought it might.  Talking about it had inspired them to spend the night together playing around, in fact, instead of going out like they'd planned (even though it had been raining).

[pinkroses]

“I know that, and I’m not talking about keeping secrets, or not talking about it… but you were talking about taking part. That’s different,” Ichabod said with a frown, trying to understand and wishing he could. He tried to see things from Ben’s point of view, but then at times the blonde just behaved in ways that flew right over Ichabod’s head and it felt like a hopeless case. It was one thing, asking that Kerr come home and tell him what happened, that they had slept together, how many times, wherever details he needed - but it was like Ben wanted to actually be able to picture it, which Ichabod would never want to do. He’d found it difficult enough feeling it when they had been close by - although he’d found out how to deal with that after a bit of time.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push it, I just… I want to get it, what you were thinking,” he said hesitantly.

[Trillian]

Ben was quiet as Ichabod sounded himself out, and there it was again, another apology.  Ichabod sure did seem to enjoy saying sorry.  Ben thought it wise not to point this fact out, for he'd done so in the past with disastrous results, even when he'd thought he was being helpful.

"Because it would be a shared experience," he explained, "one that was supposed to bring the three of us together.  It wasn't about not keeping a secret from Kerr or him from me, it was about giving us something together."  He gestured between the two of them, just in case Ichabod didn't know who 'us' was, which was possible, considering Ben had an 'us' with Kerr and himself.  "It was supposed to make you feel like I wouldn't be able to... to make you feel bullied."

He paused for a moment, but didn't take too long, because there was something else.

"I was really after it being just you and me, but you seemed a bit tense about that, which was why I threw Kerr in there."

And there it was.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stopped dead in his tracks, watching his brother with disbelief. Was he serious? That was his grand master plan? Ben was intelligent, beautiful and for some reason Kerr loved him, but he really had no clue sometimes.

Kerr had been all excited about it. Ichabod had felt like if he didn’t fuck them both together then everything would fall apart. If they couldn’t make up it would be his fault. He’d felt pressured into doing it so much, but had somehow managed to say no, but if he had said yes, it wouldn’t have felt like his choice at all. And it had been supposed to make him feel like he wasn’t being bullied?

Maybe Ben really had meant well, but he had no idea about Ichabod at all. The younger vampire shook his head slightly, glancing down at the floor and running a hand through his hair. He wanted to scream and shout and try to make Ben understand, but it wouldn’t work. And Kerr wouldn’t understand, he’d think Ichabod was overreacting to something nice Ben was trying to do.

“Okay. Right, well… that’s done with now. It’s not going to happen,” Ichabod said with a firm nod as he lifted his gaze once more, trying to make his face as expressionless as Ben managed to but failing with a tight lipped smile and shining eyes. He started walking again at a more brisk pace now, still headed in the direction of the park although he had no real destination in mind.

[Trillian]

Ben was already nodding, sensing the growing emotion rising up in Ichabod through their shared bloodline, and also because he was trying to gauge how the other was taking it.  He'd figured Ichabod would freak out, so was rather impressed at how his fledge brother had kept it all within him.

Ben was beginning to rub off on him after all.

"Yeh, I agree, it was a bad idea," he said, wanting Ichabod to know that he'd changed his opinion.  He wasn't thinking the same way as Ichabod, but it was enough that the end result was similar.  He still thought that if they went another hundred years or so, they might do it after all.  Hell, even ten.  Or five.  Ben hadn't quite been a vampire for five years yet, it wasn't like he'd been able to predict that.

"While we're talking about Kerr-"

They weren't, really, but he'd said it that way so there was no going back.

"-did you tell him what we last spoke about?"  he was doing his best to keep his voice light and casual, but it sounded fake to his own ears.  Only because he was his own worst critic and knew what he was trying to get at.  "I mean, did you tell him that I'd thought I would fail him, when I asked him to sire you?"

Did you tell him you think I'll fail him still?

Because he was being so omentally open with Ichabod, he wondered if that stray thought slipped through.

[pinkroses]

“Yes,” Ichabod said bluntly, glancing sideways at Ben, the annoyance in his eyes fading into a more wary look. “But… not that you thought you would, that you might,” he added in correction. If Ben was so set on not keeping secrets between him and Kerr then why did it matter? But at least it wasn’t just hmi running off to tell the other about what had been said. Ben would go home, tell Kerr his side of tonight, then Ichabod would have his chance tomorrow, then Kerr could go tell Ben what he’d said and it was all just turning into a pointless circle.

He caught the stray thought and his frown returned.

“What? No,” Did I? Not in those words, I said I would wait for him, but not for you to fuck up, for you to say we could be together maybe sometime, after the threesome that wasn’t.

Ichabod suddenly didn’t know exactly what he’d said, what Kerr had said, whether his words could have been taken different ways. Misunderstandings seemed to be more than common in this three-way conversation.

But Ben had been willing to fuck Ichabod to keep them getting along. How could someone who thought like that not end up hurting the person he loved? Yes, he thought Ben would fail, get fed up, leave, betray Kerr somehow. But he hadn’t said that to Kerr, had he? Not last week.

[Trillian]

Ben caught the denial immediately after Ichabod's spoken words, but not the thoughts Ichabod had of him after that.  He took them at face value, unaware of how little Ichabod thought of him because of the extent he'd been willing to go to in order to have them bond together.  It had been a bad idea of course, and Kerr had caught his excitement about it like a contagion, but after feeling how he had when giving Kerr the okay to sleep with Cain... it was hard to know how he would've felt.  Easy in theory, difficult in practise.

"I can't give permission to him now," he admitted.  "Not with you.  He loves you too much.  I... I'm not secure in myself to allow the two of you that."

That he might see you're a better
Matching you two up would be
Not ideal for both of you to grow your relationship

"Ugh," he said, and shook his head to rid himself of the mental torture he was putting himself through.  "Doubts.  Doubts and insecurity and... I don't know how you live with them on your surface.  It'd be like being buffeted by a strong wind."

He hadn't even thought to himself how something like that might sound to Ichabod.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod felt his cheeks flush as Ben spoke, unsure of what the blonde meant, but it didn’t sound good. It sounded like Ben was thinking him weak for showing his emotions, but Ichabod was trying not to leap to that conclusion.

He thought he knew why Ben didn’t want Kerr to sleep with him - he wouldn’t want his lover sleeping with anyone else and hated the thought of Ben and Kerr together. But his reasoning wasn’t the same as Ben’s - which was why he didn’t understand why Ben would let Kerr sleep with humans or strangers, but not with him. Especially if he was so insecure.

He hesitated for a moment before speaking again, feeling like he shouldn’t but unable to help himself.

“Doubts about… what? You love each other. What’s wrong?” he asked, knowing he shouldn’t be the person Ben talked to about this. As much as he wanted Kerr to be happy, the selfish part of him was screaming out that it should be with him. If Ben was having doubts… surely it wasn’t about the relationship? That was just Ichabod putting his own desires into the picture. And if Ben did blurt out something along those lines, unlikely as it was, Ichabod wouldn’t want to keep them to himself tomorrow night.