Fallout

[Existentially Odd]

As soon as Kerr hit the button that would take them up to the penthouse and away from the Masquerade Ball, the doors closed and he sagged against the wall of the elevator.  He still had a firm hold of Ichabod in his other hand but the majority of his weight was borne by his shoulder against the wall.  He was staring at the digital display as it flicked through the numbers, trying to understand what was going on.  A tentative push into Ben's mind had revealed a block that sealed his mood into one of hopelessness, confusion and misery and now... he just had to come to terms with it.

If Cub said anything as they flew upward, he didn't register it, for the mess of his thoughts whirring around in his head were surprisingly loud and hectic, the pain of rejection searing into his very soul.  When they stepped out of the lift at the top he found his feet were unsteady still and he just wanted to lay down.  Preferably in a deep, dark hole but anywhere except his own bed was acceptable.  Weaving slightly, he looked forlornly at his loyal fledgling and told him what was what.  "Ben isn't coming.  I wanna' sleep in your bed," he slurred, his mouth twitching downward at the corners as he fought off the urge to cry.

Without waiting for further input, he set off in the direction of Ichabod's room, tugging his progeny behind him if he had to.  He knew that he needed to sober up, really, but he couldn't be bothered getting any fresh blood from the refrigerator in the kitchen.  He was also scared, because clarity would make this hurt even more and his bones were aching as it was.  The muddle of drunkenness was a comfort and he intended to get to Cub's room, strip off his clothes and climb into bed with his fledgling, hopefully falling asleep very soon after.  He didn't want to think about, talk to or see Ben and the surest way to do that was to embrace the haze of alcohol swirling around him and just sleep.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod didn’t say anything in the lift as he pulled off his mask and let it dangle from the tips of his fingers - he could feel Kerr’s misery and had no idea what he could say, whether anything he could do might make this better. Probably not. He’d helped cause all this by getting Cain so drunk and practically thrusting them into each others arms. But Kerr had been set on getting drunk anyway. If it hadn’t been Cain it would have been someone else, but maybe not someone he would fall over himself trying to get close to.

Ichabod had been about to head towards Kerr’s room, get him ready for bed and maybe stay with him until Ben arrived before Kerr made his announcement.

“Oh. Okay,” he murmured, letting Kerr lead him further into the apartment towards the back bedroom. It was nice that kerr wanted to be close to him, to take comfort from him, but it always seemed to be accompanied by a punch in the guts - Ben isn’t here, you’ll do instead.

Sure you don’t want Cain to comfort you properly and help you forget all this? Ichabod’s eyes opened slightly as he realised he might have projected his thought rather than just bitterly thinking it and he glanced towards Kerr with a worried expression. He didn’t want Kerr to go, he was annoyed, but that didn’t mean he really wanted Kerr to go off and find Cain.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, come on, you need to rest,” Ichabod said quickly, praying his stray thought hadn’t been picked up on by his sire, but apologising anyway, he could always attribute it to hearing that Ben wasn‘t coming. Ichabod grabbed both of Kerr’s hands and reached up to kiss him chastely on the lips, stepping backwards towards his room at the same time.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr registered that there were words coming at him from Ichabod but not what they were and as they walked - and he was apologised to - he frowned and jerkily turned his head to gaze down at Ichabod.  When he was kissed and then led onward, he was just plain confused and he followed meekly, still boggling as to what he'd missed and why Cub was telling him he was sorry.  He managed a very intelligent, "Huh?  Why?" at some point, but then recognised that he was in Cub's bedroom and that it was his cue to get undressed.

Toeing his shoes off (which seemed to be a feat worthy of applause, to him, since he managed to do it without grabbing a wall), he got rid of his mask and then started on his jacket.  If not directed otherwise, he would strip entirely and drop everything in a puddle where he stood.  "This wasn' how I thought this night'd end," he slurred miserably, doing his best to look at Cub while his fingers worked - quite nimbly, considering - to disrobe him.

[pinkroses]

Relieved that Kerr didn’t seem to have heard him properly Ichabod simply shook his head slightly at the question, having no intention of repeating what he’d been thinking. Kerr was already hurting, he didn’t want to make it worse.

“How did you want it to end?” Ichabod asked quietly, keeping his dark eyes fixed on Kerr’s in an attempt to stop his gaze from wandering now Kerr had stripped so efficiently. As Kerr undressed him Ichabod managed to toss his own outfit onto a chair in the corner of the room rather than on the floor - but it was still a long way away from Ben’s tidy habit of folding every item. As Kerr replied, Ichabod slipped on a pair of soft cottom pjyama pants before he turned to the bed, pulling down the sheets to find something else to busy himself, not wanting Kerr’s misery to bring him down as well. Then he’d be no good at comforting and they’d just end up being miserable together - which was probably how it would end up anyway.

[Existentially Odd]

"Happily," Kerr answered morosely, crawling onto the left side of the bed (the right when standing at the foot and looking at it) as soon as Ichabod pulled the covers back.  "Together," he added as he rolled onto his right side and hugged the pillow under his head, waiting for Ichabod to join him.  "I thought it might be nice for us all to sleep together - jus' sleep - after a special night."  He fell quiet rather suddenly, his inflection upward as if he had more to say but simply couldn't bring himself to do it.  The corners of his mouth quivered as he fought off tears but he blinked rapidly to dispel them, not wanting to give in.

Everything was ruined.  It was mostly his fault, but Ben had certainly contributed a healthy dose of heartbreak to really hammer home the horror of it all.  He wanted to just fall asleep and wake up to find it was all someone else's terrible nightmare, not his reality.  On cue, his eyelids drooped as he thought about it.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stood by his side of the bed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other for a few seconds, twisting his fingers together. He tentatively reached out, trying to touch Ben’s mind, but the blocks kept him out as well.

Giving up quickly on trying to communicate with his brother, Ichabod slipped under the covers, curling up beside Kerr, wrapping an arm around him lovingly. He hated seeing him so miserable, but didn’t really know what he could possibly do to make it better.

Ichabod leant forwards, kissing the corner of Kerr’s mouth, wishing he could make it turn up properly.

“He’ll come up eventually, it’ll be okay, it’ll all be okay,” Ichabod murmured, punctuating his words with butterfly kisses to Kerr’s lips, smoothing his hand over Kerr’s firm back. In truth he had no idea when Ben would turn up. But this was where he lived, he’d come back here before the sun came up and Kerr would probably go join him in their bed then. Then they would make up and everything would be back to normal. That was how it went.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr snuggled in against Ichabod once he got into the bed, helping him pull the covers up around them, sealing them into the bed effectively.  He entwined his legs with his fledgling's, pulling him close and responding to the little kisses with movements (that were somewhat sluggish, unfortunately) of his own lips, mostly meeting him kiss for kiss.  When Ichabod's words registered, however, the fun went out of that little game and he just leaned his forehead against his progeny's, closing his eyes against the pain that swamped him anew.

"It won't be okay," he whispered, surrounded by sharp, stabbing needles of pain pricking him everywhere all over his skin, it felt like.  The sharpest one of all was digging into his heart.  "He told me no.  He doesn't care, not really.  Not when I need him.  He said no, it was all my fault.  I know it was... but I still wanted him to be here, to make it better.  Why can't I just be in love with you?  I can rely on you, you never let me down.  Thank you, Cub, I love you," he murmured, squeezing Ichabod in a tight hug and tilting his head so that his mouth was pressed fiercely against his fledge's, his lips still trembling with the intensity of his emotions.

[pinkroses]

“He does care, I’m sure he just…” Ichabod murmured the words between Kerr’s, wanting to make everything better, but his voice trailed off as Kerr carried on, echoing what Ichabod had been wanting for years. But he wasn’t saying what Ichabod wanted - he was just reinforcing that it wasn’t the case. Kerr loved him, but wasn’t in love. And the one he was in love with was downstairs, enjoying the party, whilst Kerr was up here hurting so much.

Ichabod didn’t want to get in the middle of it, but how could he avoid it? Especially when he was the one here picking up the pieces. And there was no way he was about to reject Kerr now. Maybe he could have been stronger at resisting if Kerr wasn’t so emotional, but when his sire was already upset Ichabod just wanted him to feel better.

He pressed his lips firmly against Kerr’s hungry for the words Kerr was saying - or at least words similar to those - although he knew it was wrong. When Kerr sobered up no doubt everything would get back to normal, he’d regret what he had said, but right now it was all Ichabod wanted to hear. Ben wasn’t here - Ichabod was.

Ichabod’s lips parted as he deepened the kiss, pressing his body even more firmly against Kerr’s, pressing his hips forwards instinctively. God, he wanted him. He wanted Kerr with every inch of his body and loved him with all his soul. He didn’t understand why Ben wouldn’t come. If Kerr needed him Ichabod would be there was fast as he possibly could and wouldn’t let anything get in his way.

[Existentially Odd]

As Ichabod acted on instinct, Kerr did also, kissing his fledgling back, grasping his face between his hands and touching his skin, his eyelids, his hair and ears as they kissed.  Even through his drunken misery, though, he registered that this style of kissing wasn't right, it wasn't predictable the way kissing Ben was and it also felt different after having his face buried in Cain's neck.  It wasn't that it was terrible in a technical sense but he figured out after a few heated moments that it was wrong and he pulled back abruptly, still holding Cub's face in place.

"No," he said firmly, though his face showed he was confused and frowning.  Partly it was because of the desire and love flowing at him, the devotion he longed for, feeling so warm and comforting in amongst all this horrid stuff.  It didn't feel right to refuse that.  "Not now, not like this.  You deserve better than that," he told Ichabod earnestly, his thumbs stroking across his fledgling's cheeks, meeting in the middle of his lips and sliding gently back the way they'd come.  "I don't want to... uh, feel... I mean, after Cain, you understand?" he pleaded, expressing in a very muddled way that he didn't want to use desire he'd felt for Cain on Ichabod, either.

Drunk and confused as he was, he was surprisingly clear on just how raw of a deal his second fledgling had got.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod pressed his lips together tightly as Kerr broke away, holding his face so that he couldn’t follow.

No? Really? Even after all of this, even when Kerr was drunk, and angry at Ben, even after the list he’d been denied satisfaction from earlier? He was still being told no? After being told he wanted to love him?

He turned his face slightly, his lips chasing Kerr’s thumb as it moved back up his cheek, wanting to kiss it but stopping himself. Instead he pulled his face back out of Kerr’s grasp, shaking his head slightly.

“No, I don’t understand. After Cain? What? If he was here you’d…” He managed to stop himself from carrying on, blinking back his own tears as he swallowed down the words that if Kerr and Cain hadn’t made fools of themselves in the middle of the dance floor they may well have been off fucking somewhere now. And that would have been fine. No one would have minded. But this. This got a no.

He dropped his head down to rest against Kerr’s chest, shutting his eyes quickly and trying to tell himself the no was it. There was no point fighting it. “It’s fine, it doesn’t matter. Just… it’s fine, I’m sorry,” Ichabod mumbled.

[Existentially Odd]

"Don't be sorry," Kerr whispered, clutching Ichabod even tighter against him.  Tears did come then, big, slow ones that misted his eyes and rolled down his cheeks when he squeezed his eyelids closed, but no sobs that would affect his speech, thankfully.  "I'm sorry, so sorry.  If Cain was here I'd refuse him, too, because this isn't about sex.  It's about love and loyalty.  I don't want to go from him to you, because you deserve better than that.  You're always here for me and I'm... so grateful.  I don't think I've ever thanked you, not enough.  Thank you for loving me," he said again, the tears gathering momentum.

He was excessively emotional because of the alcohol, the night's events and Ben's rejection, he knew that, but it still broke his heart that he'd neglected Ichabod.  There was guilt, too, for his fledgling's love had been something he took for granted and had even annoyed him at times, because it was what made him jealous of and fight with Ben.  He wouldn't do that any more, though, he vowed he'd be grateful and give Ichabod the recognition he deserved.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod lifted his face to lightly kiss away Kerr’s salty tears, hating knowing how upset Kerr was and knowing that he was a part of that. But there was nothing he could do now other than be there for his sire - like always.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he murmured, replacing his lips with his hand on Kerr’s cheek, brushing away any stray tears which his thumb. “I never want to be anywhere else but with you, you know that,” he added, giving Kerr a small smile. “And Ben will be up in a bit and you two, you’ll be happy again and it’ll be fine. Tomorrow, everything will be fine,” he said, trying to be reassuring despite having seen the look in Vomas’ eyes and the ancients who had witnessed it all. It would all work out though, these things always did.

[Existentially Odd]

To hear Ichabod saying the words he'd wanted Ben to say was more hurtful than he'd have anticipated it could be, but he didn't argue with his fledge.  He appreciated Cub's beautiful gestures, his loving words, his heartfelt sentiment and attempted a smile for him.  Ichabod really thought it would be okay and Kerr really wanted to believe him.  But he didn't.

Instead of arguing, he simply murmured more thanks, another expression of love and curled up against Ichabod, closing his eyes and willing sleep to take him away from the coldness, the hurt, the humiliation.  Maybe it would be different when he woke up and that, at least, was something to look forward to.

Maybe.

[Trillian]

Ben came up a long time later; enough time had passed so that there was no doubt that Kerr would be cured from his alcohol-induced ailment.  Ben hadn't wanted any chance to come upstairs while his sire was inebriated, so had even done some research on the theatre Olivia had mentioned when he'd first spoken with her, and found some newspaper articles online about the tragedy that had caused her death.

Putting the ghostly ballerina out of his mind (which was surprisingly easy to do, considering he was being swept upstairs briskly by an elevator that didn't care about the knot of trepidation in his gut), he entered the penthouse and took his time crossing the living room to the bedroom he shared with Kerr.  He'd expected to be harangued as soon as he'd entered, but when this was not the case he thought Kerr would be waiting for him in their room.  When he found that this was also not the case, he realised it was very likely he was sharing Ichabod's bed, because Ben could feel that the two of them were close by, though not specifics.

Mentally, he cast out a tentative line to his sire, aware that Kerr might already be asleep (the dawn was approaching, but it wasn't that close), and not wanting to wake him from slumber in case he was.  He finally found what he was expecting; a slumbering mind.  He didn't bother to check on Ichabod, figuring he was probably asleep in Kerr's arms anyway (and wasn't there a fine grimness to experience at that thought?), and undressed.

He didn't know where his mask had ended up after he'd left the Ball.  He'd probably left it in the library.  Undressing wasn't as much of a chore as dressing, thanks to his costume, but it was still a trial not to be too impatient with it.  He felt mentally exhausted and was honestly relieved that he had the ability to go straight to sleep.

He pulled on his sleep shorts and crawled into bed, thinking he might have a tough time sleeping on his own in an empty bed and not yet near dawn.  He was wrong, for sleep came quickly.

Waking didn't come as quickly, however.  He was aware of the presence of his sire in the room before he opened his eyes, for his talent and blood bond told him that.  There was a strange coil of emotion gripping him also, that wasn't his own, and it was enough to bring him out of his dozing and for him to open his eyes.  Kerr was seated by the bed, watching him.  Ben didn't look too closely at his expression before looking away and rubbing his face all over with the palm of his hand and finishing with a rub through his hair.

If Kerr didn't speak very soon, he would open with; "Evening."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had woken up quite peacefully in Ichabod's bed... and then his memory returned and his eyes immediately scrunched shut as the humiliation, hurt and confusion swamped him once more.  After a few moments writhing in that, he got himself under enough control to slide away from his youngest, sleeping fledge and slink out of his bedroom.  He entered his own, where Ben was still sleeping also, and stood over him for a minute or so, simply staring at him.

When the anger brewing within threatened to make him do something he would definitely regret later, he spun on his heel and stalked into the bathroom instead.  His mind was a whirl of conflict as he showered, rehearsing what his argument with Ben might sound like, trying to fathom why he'd been rejected - and then blocked - and generally getting himself more upset as time wore on.

By the time he got out of the shower, he dried himself so vigourously that his skin actually pinked briefly beneath the pressure he was applying.  He tossed his towel towards the rack rather than hanging it up, ran fingers through his hair as he strode to the wardrobe and wrenched on some underwear, old jeans and a nondescript olive green T-shirt with a rounded neck.  After that, he simply waited, sprawled in the arm chair at the end of the bed and staring.  His legs were casually spread, bare feet resting on their heels on the carpet and his arms topping the arms of the chair perfectly.  His hands were gripping the padded end of them, though, his thumbs intermittently tapping as he glared and waited for Ben to awaken and deign to acknowledge him.

"It is," he answered gruffly when his boyfriend awoke a half an hour or so later than he had and greeted him.  He'd been hurt last night; terribly, acutely hurt by Ben choosing some irrelevant activity over being with him, but tonight was different.  He was hurting, yes, more than he had in a long time (about, oh, three or so years), but he was angry, too.  He preferred the anger, though he was doing his best to keep it contained until he'd heard Ben's side of things.  "Have at what, exactly?  What the fuck was that supposed to mean last night?" he prompted, having been mulling on Ben's thoughts quite fanatically in the twelve or so hours since he'd received them.