Kerr swallowed, the emotional crack in Ben's firm facade causing a responding flare of empathy because they were lovers and he cared deeply enough about him to feel his pain, even when he was the cause of it. It was stupid and he was stupid for thinking he'd ever be able to coldly walk away from that, no matter how good he thought his reasons were. It wouldn't matter how far he ran or how deep the divide between them, there'd always be love. Not soulmates... no, they weren't, they were mostly opposites, but opposites attracted so they said, and he couldn't argue that point.
"I do love you," he assured Ben emotionally, taking some steps towards him (but directly towards him, so the couch would block his route should he wish to make contact), "I just... I've failed you twice over, though, because of the times you hurt me and it's been hard for me to trust you. The last couple of years, at first, I was... holding back, in case you left again, or decided it was too hard to work on us and being numb was better. When you chose to work things out with Ichabod, though, I knew I wasn't holding back any more, that you really loved me and that I could trust you not to try to find someone better than me for you, somewhere else. I knew I was in love with you again. I guess... that's what you sensed, at arm's length," he admitted sheepishly, pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Last night... that was a knee-jerk reaction, believing the worst, believing you don't love me the way I love you because you denied me your presence. It seemed so simple, to me; you're my person. You're the one who completes me, who makes me feel better, even if you're mad at me, just because you're there and you're you. Ichabod... I love Ichabod and he's supportive and caring and he loves me... but he's not you. Come Hell or high water, I need you - especially when I fuck up like I did last night - and when you said no and you blocked me out of your mind... I expected the worst. That there was no love, we're too incompatible, you don't care like I do, you're no good for me, we're better off apart, you've let me down... all of it," he admitted, finally arriving at the back of the couch and putting his hands on the back of it as he looked sincerely at Ben.
"What I failed to realise, in the panic of my emotional fire sale, was that I'm actually, really, terribly, unfortunately not perfect. At anything. But especially at trusting you. Once burned, fifty times shy, apparently. I need to work on that. I hope you can forgive me and allow me the chance," he whispered sadly, his lips dancing to the left in an effort to not be dragged downward and instigate tearing up. He would prefer to remain stoic while he was admitting how poorly he rated, against his previous image of himself. The reality and the illusion were vastly different, unfortunately, and now that the illusion lay in pieces around him, he'd prefer to do his best and face reality like a man, not a whimpering, blubbering mess.