Fallout

[Trillian]

He didn't need to hear Ichabod's mind finish the sentence to know what was coming next and remained in the lift with Ichabod.

"You won't be in the way."  He got a sudden flash of inspiration and ran with it, growing more animated in his enthusiasm to get his point across.  "Hell, maybe you will be in the way sometimes, but you're Kerr's fledge and you're my blood brother, you have every right to be in the way.  I'm glad..." the doors started to close again, and Ben stuck out his hand to keep them open.  "I'm glad you're coming," he said, repeating the start of his sentence because the phrase needed to be said.  He finally stepped out of thelift in order to enter the kitchens proper.  There was a hive of activity with chefs and apprentices preparing food in the massive kitchen, and even a couple of wait staff hanging around.  The fridge with blood baggies was closest to the lifts on the right hand side, and a microwave and unused stove top near it.  It appeared to be the only corner that the staff weren't going near.

Ben spoke up again, trying to remain casual even though he was interested in Ichabod's answer.  "Did you want to talk to Kerr about it when we go back up?"

The implication was there that Ben wouldn't be involved in that conversation.  He hoped Kerr would bolster Ichabod's excitement for travel, because he knew their sire would be very pleased to have both his fledglings along.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod pressed his lips together, a slight frown creasing his forehead as Ben tried to show his enthusiasm. Ok, it was great Ben was happy he was going, and being left behind would have sucked. But he didn’t see how he had a right to get in the way. They were in love. And having problems. They didn’t need someone there making things worse.

Ichabod was already mentally starting to back himself out of it as he followed Ben out of the lift, grabbing a couple of mugs for them to drink from as Ben chose their baggies.

“I guess so. Did he know you were going to ask me when we came down here?” he asked, pulling open the microwave and setting it correctly as he spoke, looking at the key pad rather than his brother. Had Kerr even really agreed? Ben sounded so enthusiastic, and Ichabod could kind of see why the blonde would have wanted to ask him rather than letting Kerr do it - to show he was keen. But it also threw it the other way. Would Kerr want a third wheel tagging along?

[Trillian]

"I think he wanted us to ask you together," Ben guessed, though it was the kind of guess that he was certain of.  "I kind of took over, bringing you down here with me."  He was looking intently at Ichabod's profile now, studying as much as he could and being as mentally receptive as possible, but nothing was enlightening him as to Ichabod's opinion.  Ichabod was one of the few people he couldn't read very well - but by their history together it was very likely that Ichabod was having doubts already.  It wasn't something Ben could see in the other fledge's face; Ichabod was better at hiding his feelings now, and especially from him.  "It's exactly what he wants, you know, to experience travelling with the both of us.  We're his family."

It was the primary reason that Ben had been inspired to invite Ichabod into their bloodline in the first place, and it was still a viable one.  Kerr was a protector, a guardian.  It was in his nature, in his whole makeup.  Ben was a survivor, a loner, but he'd connected well enough with Kerr to want to be more deserving.  Ichabod was better suited to Kerr's nature, as he was gentle, sensitive and friendly.  He was less equipped to handle the shitty things, but it also meant he didn't have a personality that chafed others (like Ben himself did).

He realised that he was just thinking and staring now, and Ichabod had already warmed up both mugs of blood and was handing him his, with an odd look on his face.  Perhaps Ben had been lost in his thoughts a little longer than usual.

"Should I go to the library then, and give you a chance to speak with Kerr without... you know,"

the added pressure of having me
hovering around and
intimidating you

At least he'd clamped down his mental shields before that pretty little thought escaped.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod kept his gaze focused on the microwave as Ben spoke, trying to keep his thoughts to himself and managing it pretty well he guessed as he did let his dark eyes flickered towards his brother. He could  kind of understand why Ben wanted to get him alone, to try to convince him without Kerr there, because he’d known Ichabod would have doubts… but Kerr wanted them to ask him together. And Ben had ignored that. Ichabod couldn’t understand how you could love someone and then just completely disregard what they wanted - all the while claiming this was exactly what Kerr wanted.

He waited until Ben took his mug before responding, taking a couple of seconds to swallow down some of the replies which threatened to bubble up. Without what? Without Kerr getting annoyed Ben had told him? What was he supposed to do? Tell Ben no? Tell him to go upstairs and tell Kerr he’d just ruined the question their sire had wanted all three of them to be there for? Or go up himself and tell Kerr he didn’t want to go and ruin things that way?

But he’d told Ben he would go. And now he just needed to tell Kerr yes. And go. And everything would be fine.

“Okay. If you think that’s best,” Ichabod said with a shrug, taking a small sip from his mug. “Should probably go tell him now before I think of more reasons to back out,” he added, trying to go for a jokey tone but not  quite managing it as he turned to head back towards the lift, idly rubbing at the bridge of his nose as he wondered whether Kerr would have guess what was going on already.

[Existentially Odd]

In Ben and Cub's absence, Kerr had found himself on the couch once more and he was still there when Ichabod returned.  Staring sightlessly at the city beyond the plate glass window, expression blank and mind whirring.  He was leaning back, his posture fairly rigid though his hands were clasped loosely between his thighs, feet planted flat on the carpet.

If Ichabod approached, Kerr wouldn't register his presence until he was very close and then, even though he'd embrace his fledgling enthusiastically and fold him in against his larger body, he would smile only absently.  He was thinking, worrying, circling back and doubting himself and it would take a prompt to break him out of it.

[pinkroses]

Once he and Ben had parted ways Ichabod made his way back to the apartment without any detours. The mug was still clasped between his hands as he headed ot the living area, knowing where Kerr was without having to glance around. The blood had gone cold too quickly, it always did, so Ichabod finished it off still standing, dawdling slightly now that he was here. He could feel there was still something up with Kerr, but that was to be expected after what had happened in the past twenty four hours. He hated seeing Kerr like this though and wished there was something he could do. Maybe just agreeing to go to Austria with them would help, or it might make things worse.

The fledgling had been headed to sit on the sofa opposite Kerr, depositing his mug on the coffee table on his way, but as Kerr beckoned him into an embrace Ichabod couldn’t resist and he was soon curled up against Kerr. It all felt so tense, uncomfortable even though he was right where he wanted to be with Kerr. There was so much else though, too much. Getting away would help.

“Ben went to the library,” he said quietly after a few minutes silence. “He asked me to go to Austria with you. Both of you. And I didn’t know if… do you think that’s a good idea?” he added, he gaze finding the view Kerr’s had done without looking up at his sire. If Kerr didn’t want him to go then Ichabod didn’t want to see the face that accompanied the words. He could already feel Kerr worrying and didn’t want to add to it, but he had to ask. Not saying anything about it wouldn’t help at all.

[Existentially Odd]

"I think it's an excellent idea," Kerr confirmed quietly, squeezing Ichabod a little tighter to reinforce his sentiment before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his fledgling's head.  Considering that, half an hour before, he'd been ready to walk out on both of them in order to get some perspective, it was a complete turnaround.  His feelings on the matter were genuine, though, flowing warmly towards Ichabod without being forced.

"I'm going to go and ask Vomas to look after things here while we're gone," he added mildly, resting his cheek atop Cub's head and still looking sightlessly ahead.  Considering what a bold move it was - especially in the wake of the shambles he'd left the Oligarchy's reputation in the night before - he probably should be giving the move a lot more consideration, but he'd already decided.  All he kept thinking about was how he'd let everyone down and how ineffective he was.  Ichabod likely had more to add to the list and he supposed he should hear that, too, though there would be time.

"Once I do that, I'll call my pilot and we'll leave tonight.  I don't remember much about Austria.  It will be good for us to get away, I think."  That said, he still didn't move and his arms were wrapped as tightly as ever about Cub.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod gave a half nod as Kerr said he would get Vomas to look after things, but trying not to dislodge Kerr’s cheek. He was relieved to hear and feel that Kerr wanted him to go, but Ichabod still wasn’t sure. It just seemed like such a bad plan when he thought about it, but all his feelings were telling him to go.

He was only half listening as Kerr went on, making his plans, and it took a few seconds for it to sink in, but then Ichabod jerked upright, pulling himself out of Kerr’s tight grasp to meet his eyes, a frown creasing his forehead.

“Tonight? You don’t mean… like… tonight. I can’t just go, I have my classes and work and I thought it would be in a month or something. I don’t even know if I’m coming,” he said, then he gestured slightly at Kerr. “You can’t just up and go, Vomas can’t just… take over.” His voice trailed off as it dawned on him why Kerr wanted to go so suddenly. He was running away. He was embarrassed by what he’d done and he was running with his tail between his legs.

Disappointment flooded through Ichabod as much as he tried to stop it. Kerr had always been so strong, a rock, someone he could rely on and look up to. Ichabod had wished he could be more like him in so many ways so often. And now he was giving up and letting Vomas clean up when there wasn’t even really anything that needed cleaning up. He tried desperately to swallow it down, knowing very well his feelings on the matter wouldn’t help. But he didn’t want to go to Austria tonight and he didn’t want Kerr and Ben to go either.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's gaze rested steadily (and somewhat dispassionately) on Ichabod, curious about why he was so adamant about slowing things down and also how he'd thought they were talking about a vague trip sometime in the future.  He watched rather than spoke for perhaps too long, because a silence fell between them after a few moments... but that reminded him he needed to speak.

"Half an hour ago I was leaving Ben, the city... walking out on everything and everyone.  Alone.  I'm barely hanging on, here.  If you don't want to come tonight, that's fine.  But I'm going," he told his youngest fledgling mildly, waiting for a counter-offer to his ultimatum.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod felt his cheeks flush as Kerr stared silently at him, but he stayed silent too, still bemused that Kerr was planning on leaving tonight. And Kerr’s words didn’t do much to cheer him or let him know what to say. Kerr was going to leave completely? Leave Ben and him just hanging? Ben had managed to convince him to stay obviously, but Kerr seemed to have just stopped caring about everything and everyone.

He felt a sudden urge to just get up and leave, let Kerr run off to another country with Ben and carry on here. But what did he really have here apart from Kerr and Ben? They were his family now, even though he’d had to move out. They were everything to Ichabod. Being so far away from Kerr would be heartbreaking.

And he’d never been good at confrontation. He didn’t want to argue out of fear Kerr would actually just leave. And if he and Ben went, Ichabod would have no idea how to follow. It wasn’t like he could get a public flight to Europe. He couldn’t afford to think about this any more.

“Ok, so… ok,” his gaze dropped and his hands folded in his lap. “Is there time for me to get some stuff from the Capitol?” he asked quietly, glancing up at Kerr through his lashes.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr shrugged one shoulder calmly.  "Sure.  We can swing by the Capital on the way to the airport?" he queried, standing up as he waited for Ichabod's response because it felt like they were moving ahead now.  If Cub had stayed in his arms he would probably not have moved, for it had felt safe and comfortable, but now he was loose he needed to keep moving in order to stay ahead of the heavy emotions chasing him down.  Action and calculation was much better than thinking and feeling at this stage.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod's gaze followed Kerr as he stood, but he made no move to go with him. Kerr had said he wanted to see Vomas first and he'd probably want to do that alone. He'd thought he would go alone to get his things and come back - to be honest the space would have been nice since this didn't feel as much like home any more. But, still subservient, Ichabod didn't say that. He simply nodded, pulling his legs up onto the sofa and curling his arms around his knees, ready to wait for Kerr to be done with Vomas.

Ichabod wasn't sure what he'd done, but there suddenly felt like there was a distance between himself and Kerr he hadn't felt for a long time. All he'd done was try to help but somehow he'd stick his foot in it again.

"You're sure Ben knows we're going tonight? You might want to make sure he knows on your way to Vomas," he said softly before Kerr could leave him. Maybe it had just been a misunderstanding, since Ben had seemed so keen on having him go. It seemed like a pretty big thing to have mentioned though.

[Existentially Odd]

Making a noncommittal noise that would likely be interpreted as agreement with Ichabod's instruction (though it definitely wasn't - Kerr had no intention whatsoever of travelling past Vomas' floor to the library just to check Ben had understood what he felt was an irrevocable fact), Kerr strode out of the penthouse and pressed the button for the lift.  He rehearsed what he would say to Vomas as he stood and waited, Cub's disappointment still ringing within him.

It wouldn't do to make it look like he was fleeing because he was embarrassed, but he couldn't see any other way out of that.  It was everything and all of it; his distrust and upheaval with Ben, his ineffective leadership (when his constituency was predominantly older and far more experienced than him) and his offensive actions at the Masquerade.  All of it meant that he wanted to get away because this place was feeling claustrophobic and for someone who didn't even breathe, he was sure itching for some space to do something metaphorically just like it.

The doors sliding open shook him out of his wandering thoughts and he stepped in, pressing the button that would take him down to Vomas' floor.  Once there, he walked the path to the correct door with automatic footsteps, knocking crisply and obviously just in case his Oligarch for Vampires - his friend, he felt - wasn't properly awake yet.  He felt his mind touched and heard voices within that told him Vomas wasn't alone and, oddly, Kerr envied his employee his new relationship with Sam with a sharp poignancy that was unexpected.  Oh, to be back in the heady stage of young love and thrilling lust, when the possibilities of a relationship stretched endlessly before him and there was no potholed, bumpy road of misscommunications, resentment, wrong turns and twisting, crossing intersections of confusion behind him that jaded everything with a strong and enervating taint.  Perhaps he would find what Vomas had, in Austria.  He could only hope.

When Vomas finally opened the door, Kerr's gaze told the bleak tale of his feelings long before his simple words did but he was quick with them anyway.  "I'm going away tonight.  I want you to assume my role and look after things here.  Please?"  His eyebrows barely shifted upward, the rest of him blank and still (though his hands had found their ways into his pockets at some point, adding a falsely casual air to his overall stance).

[Saccharin]

Even though he didn't think Kerr would expect it of him at this early of an hour, he wished he'd been able to make himself presentable for his Luminary. Pajama bottoms, a white crew t-shirt, bare feet and a head that had obviously been on a pillow all day weren't what he considered appropriate attire, but donning a three piece suit and fixing his hair would've taken more time than he figured Kerr had.

He stood bleary-eyed in the doorway, concern for his appearance falling to the wayside as he began digesting Kerr's somber expression and then his announcement. Kerr was going away? Where? Take over his position?

"What?" he asked with as much intelligence as he could muster. It didn't even register that they were having a very sensitive conversation in the middle of the hallway until Kerr opened his mouth to speak again. "Wait. Do... Do you want to come in?" he interrupted, taking slow, backwards steps into the living room.

[Existentially Odd]

Consternation showed in the slight leftward twist of Kerr's lips as he contemplated the offer, not wanting to draw this out any more than it had to be.  He wanted to organise things and just be gone, he certainly didn't want to debate the relative merits of what he was doing with Vomas.  Belatedly though, he realised that his thoughtful friend was simply trying to move their conversation into a more private place and conceded that he was right.  He gave a nod and stepped into the apartment, watching the door get closed behind him without showing the slight amount of panic that inexplicably roused within him. He stood before his friend, hands still in his jeans pockets, bare of foot and and with shoulders drooping, looking lost and feeling hemmed in.

When Vomas looked questioningly at him, he elaborated voluntarily, if only to assuage that feeling of being trapped here in this room, this building, where he had no desire to be for a second longer than was necessary.  "It's more than my ridiculous behaviour last night, though that's some of it.  I'm indebted to you for your help; I owe you.  I'm sorry to have embarrassed you like that, I... regret it deeply.  I did everyone a disservice and I think if any of the jackals come sniffing about the place to crow their superiority while I'm away, they should very much enjoy the notion that I've slunk off with my tail between my legs to lick my wounds, I think," he pointed out blandly, having contemplated how all of it might come out in the wash.

"Frankly, I'm beyond the point of caring what they think but what I think is that last night was proof that I may not be the person for this role.  I'm hundreds of years younger than my constituency and, were it not for the Mimic Demons supporting my claim, I'd have no real ability to hold office.  Ancients overwhelm me and en masse, as they were last night, I can't bear up against them unless I'm drunk.  We both saw how well I make decisions in such a state.  So I've decided to take some time - about two weeks, in all likelihood - to step back and re-evaluate the circumstances.  I'm taking Ben and Ichabod to Austria for a holiday, to patch up some of the holes in those relationships as well.  You're the one I trust to step into my place, to make decisions like I would; you're the only one I've considered for the job, in fact.  You'll probably curse me for that soon enough," he pointed out with a wan smile.

"Here's my phone," he said, smoothly producing the object from his pocket and holding it out towards Vomas without preamble.  He knew his counterpart had the same brand, so he'd have no problem keeping it charged while he was away.  "The code to get into it is 1111 and you'll find a note in the first folder with every password or code you're likely to need while I'm away.  It's also got Ben's and Ichabod's numbers in the contacts, so you'll be able to call me and I'll know it's you.  Call me any time you like and leave messages if no-one answers - it'll probably just be the time difference, because I promise I'll return your calls.  My phone's also got a setting that will allow you to get into the penthouse, if you want to move you and Sam up there for a while, I don't mind."  He waited calmly for Vomas to take the phone and accept the mantle of responsibility it symbolised, unable - due to his desperation - to give his friend the luxury of refusing.