Frazzled

[Trillian]

After hanging up with Kerr, Ben stared at the phone in his hand for a full minute before looking over at Ichabod, who was looking at him with concern.  Something in his voice while speaking on the phone had obviously caught his fledge brother's attention.

"We have to go into hiding.  The beach house," he said, thinking that maybe Themba had changed his mind again and had followed them home.  Things were happening a little too fast for that, his mind realised, but they had waited an extra night, so maybe the ancient had come here already.  Surely the Mimics were able to protect them?  It might not be so easy.  Maybe Themba's clan had sanctioned a hit on Ben.  Maybe it had nothing to do with Ben at all?  Maybe someone was trying to assassinate Kerr, because he was the Luminary?

He acknowledged any of Ichabod's comments and told him as much as he knew, but lapsed into silence each time conversation wasn't demanded of him.  As Kerr suggested, they took their suitcases downstairs and put them into the boot of Kerr's car.  Ben drove, for he'd taken the keys.  On auto-pilot, he safely drove them to the huge beach house that Kerr owned, carved into the cliffside.

It wasn't until the pair of them stepped inside with their suitcases that Ben had to face his fears.  He swung around violently (though why, he couldn't say) with his suitcase, with a question on his lips (something about the theory behind why they were here), and his suitcase crashed into a foyer table he didn't recall ever being there.

"Shit," he breathed, and dropped his suitcase in order to collect what had been broken.  Had it been a vase before it smashed?  Oh look, the table itself was broken too, how the hell?  Ben responded with anger.

"Why the damn hell would someone put a fucking table here?" he screamed, kneeling down beside the pieces and beginning to collect them.  He was kneeling in a puddle of water, too.  Guess it must've been a vase, with flowers in it.  Where were the flowers?  He looked around himself, but wasn't seeing anything, too busy internalising.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod had managed to ask a few questions of Ben as soon as the blonde was off the phone, but there was frustratingly little information to be had and not because Ben wasn’t giving up what he knew. He was pretty clueless too.

After running through a hundred different scenarios in his mind Ichabod tried to tell himself that Kerr maybe just wanted a change of scenery – but Ben’s phrasing really implied much worse than that. Go into hiding? What the Hell? Was their life turning into some sort of horror movie? And if it was something bad, like Themba coming for Ben, would hiding at the beach house help? Surely they would be safer with Kerr? With the Mimics?

It took hardly any time at all before they reached the beach house (or at least it felt that way to Ichabod, lost in his thoughts on the drive) and Ichabod helped Ben get the suitcases inside working on autopilot until the smashing glass knocked him out of his daze and brought him back to where they were with a jerk.

“Crap,” Ichabod murmured, shaking his head slightly at the mess, and the way Ben was freaking out. It wasn’t like Ichabod had a great track record of keeping Ben happy when they were on familiar ground, he couldn’t imagine this wait was going to be enjoyable for either of them when they were both already so stressed.

“Leave it,” Ichabod said sharply, bending down to grasp Ben’s upper arm and urging him upright. “We’ll clean it up later, I’m starving.” Whether or not he was able to get Ben to come with him Ichabod would sidle past the glass and head for the kitchen with a frown creasing his forehead. He was planning on finding some blood in the fridge (or freezer depending on how long it had been since anyone had been here) and heating it up, and then hunting for a dustpan and brush whilst the blood warmed. They’d fed on the plane, but drinking again couldn’t hurt and it would busy them doing something other than cleaning up a fucking ridiculous mess.

[Trillian]

Ben came away with Ichabod at his brother's urgings.  His jeans were wet at the front from his knees to his ankles.  He took just enough time to toe out of his shoes before entering the next room and then followed Ichabod to the kitchen.

He watched from the other side of the island counter as Ichabod went to the fridge and began preparing the blood bags.  Ben was feeling very uncomfortable in his wet jeans, and putting on some dry clothes, like a pair of shorts, sounded like a good idea.

"I'll get changed," Ben said, and headed for where he left his suitcase, but changed his mind by the time he reached the kitchen doorway because his suitcase was in the middle of a mess, and he'd have to walk through the puddle of water in his socks to get to it.  He hated having wet socks, it was one of the most uncomfortable and icky sensations around.  He turned around and came back to the island counter without further explanation, thinking Ichabod would question him not getting changed but his fledge brother seemed to be looking for something.  He didn't know what, because he could hear the microwave going, and through the glass door he could see the blood in their mugs rotating within.

When Ichabod retrieved a brush and pan, Ben realised what it was Ichabod had been after.  He didn't want his brother cleaning up a mess he'd made, so quickly headed towards the kitchen door again, intent on beating Ichabod to it so that he could at least make a start on picking things up.  Perhaps he could move the suitcases to another location?  That would be helpful.  But then he remembered; wet socks.  He turned around once more and the microwave beeped, making him feel like everything was happening at once.

"Where are my shoes?" he asked suddenly and loudly, frustration evident.  Man, he was turning into a headcase.  He knew it, but he couldn't seem to stop it.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod glance up as Ben said he was leaving – but didn’t quite make it. The blonde didn’t seem to be able to make up his mind and his outburst made Ichabod lower his eyes slightly, wishing there was more he could do.

“Other side of the door,” Ichabod said, gesturing towards the entrance of the kitchen as he dropped the dustpan and brush on the counter. He hadn’t been planning on tidying before they drank, he just wanted to find it and have it ready.

“Just… have a drink,” he said, turning and grabbing the mugs of blood, pushing one towards his brother. “We should… go to the lounge? Or… anywhere. We can clean up later. And unpack, and…” Wait “...we’ll hear soon.”

[Trillian]

Ben looked in that direction but wouldn't be able to see anything unless he poked his head through the doorway.  His shoes were no longer important now that Ichabod was offering him blood.  He padded over in his socks and picked up the mug, blowing on it out of habit even though the temperature wouldn't bother him - Ichabod had a knack of getting the blood just the right level of warmth.  A bit warmer than mortal, but by the time the mug was finished it was perfect.  Ben's microwave attempts either ended up lukewarm or piping hot, while using the same amount of time Ichabod did.  His brother had tried to explain the volume in the cup might change the timing ten seconds here or there, but Ben had no idea how he could look at something like that and know exactly how many seconds were needed.

"The lounge," Ben agreed, then looked over the rim of his mug while he sipped and then swallowed some blood.  Yep, perfect temperature.

They both walked into the lounge and sat down, both drinking blood out of their mugs.  Ben leant forward and set his empty mug down a little harder than he anticipated and it made a noisy clunk on the coffee table.  When Ichabod glanced his way because of the noise it made, Ben blurted out the apology he'd been thinking of throughout their plane ride home, and throughout the car ride back to the chambers, (but not on the drive to the beach house, he'd thankfully not been thinking about anything at all other than driving).

"I'm sorry I did those awful things to you.  I know I've said I'm a different person now and that I wouldn't do those things, but... it's a cop out.  I still tried to force my friendship onto you when you moved out into the Capital, and I tried to make you... yeh, do things you didn't want to do.  I've been nothing but a complete asshole to you, and treated you like dirt, and not given you credit for standing up to me those times when you did, when it was important.  I don't want to be..."

He stopped because his eyes were prickling and he lowered his head in a defeatist manner, but it was more to hide his face without being overly obvious about it.  His voice was steady (though pleading in tone), and so he continued with his point before Ichabod stopped him, or said something inane.  He knew that this apology might not be as potent to Ichabod as it felt to Ben, and it was coming during a time when they really had other things to worry about, but Ben was worried that if he didn't get it out soon, then it wouldn't come out at all.

"... your tormentor.  I know it's too late for that, because I could never trust someone who'd done that in the first place.  But I know, even eternity wouldn't be long enough."

Only because Ben didn't have a forgiving heart, but he knew Ichabod did, and really, he understood now that it was his flaw and Ichabod's strength, and not the other way around.

[pinkroses]

He felt Ben choose his seat and took his seat on the other side of the sofa, toeing of his own shoes and curling his legs up in front of him so he could rest the mug on his knees. Ichabod was still sipping his blood and although he tried to stop himself he couldn’t help glancing in Ben’s direction as the blonde slammed down his mug on the table. He was expecting Ben to go off in a rant about the stupid table being in the way, or give some theory on what Kerr might be doing. So what came instead was a surprise and Ichabod froze with his mug half way to his lips.

His shoulders stiffened as Ben mentioned what he’d done when Ichabod had still been human and he kept his gaze forwards, his fingers curling tightly around his mug. He tried so hard not to think about it, not to bring it to mind when Ben got a certain look in his eyes, brought a mocking smirk to his face, even just the way he moved sometimes brought it back. But Ichabod tried to ignore it. He tried so fucking hard and this past week he had hardly had to try at all. It had been nice, when everything else had been falling apart, he hadn’t had to think about worrying about Ben.

But now he was bringing it up and Ichabod had no choice.

Seeing his knuckles turning a dangerous white Ichabod leant forwards to put down his mug more carefully than Ben had down whilst Ben spoke, curling his arms around his knees and still avoiding looking across at his brother. He made no attempt to stop Ben, even if he’d wanted to he had no idea what he would have said.

Once Ben stopped Ichabod stayed silent for a few seconds. He’d been told so many times he should forgive Ben, he was upset over nothing, Ben was a different person, he wanted to make things better – but the way he’d gone about it had just made everything worse. It wasn’t until it felt like he’d almost stopped trying that things started to work. Not being encouraged to forgive Ben had helped Ichabod actually start to get past it. He lifted a hand to run over his face, rubbing at his eyes before running through his hair, trying to work out where to go from here, and where all of this had come from. Clearly Ben’s own tormentor had made him think about it, but Ichabod wished it hadn’t needed that. Although Ben had done things Ichabod didn’t approve of, he didn’t want Ben hurt.

And he still had no idea how much Ben had been hurt, about how scarred he’d been or what Themba had done the first time around. Yes, Ben had told him this time, but he was clueless still about the first time. Of course, the first time Ben had turned on his had been before that. But that had been a different person. Or at least Ben couldn’t remember it.

“There’s no point apologising for things you don’t remember,” Ichabod said quietly. And the rest of it… well, Ben had been trying to make things better. He’d just been going about it badly.

“Tormenting is a strong word… it was…” Not as bad? You didn’t almost rip my head off.”… I don’t know what Themba was like when you were with him. I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as that. It’s… you’ve been through so much, my stuff is… nothing.” Ichabod ended with a shrug, tightly curling his fingers around the loose parts of his baggy jeans. He was immature, a drama queen, making something out of nothing. That was what he’d learnt and so hearing Ben apologise for it now was difficult and Ichabod felt like accepting the apology would mean he was being childish again.

[Trillian]

Ben looked up at him and thought Ichabod might be parroting the thing he'd been told (by Ben) countless times, or even Kerr, and realised how shitty everything had been for his brother.

"Please don't do that.  It doesn't matter if I went through more, it's enough you went through it at all, and by my doing."  He could feel his eyes watering, and his vision was watery, but he stopped caring about his tears (which was quite the feat, for someone who was as self-conscious about them as Ben) and tried to get his point across with Ichabod, though gently.  "When I got back from New York, Kerr was there to support me.  You didn't have that.  Then you had to live with me, because Kerr's your sire, and now you're connected by blood..."

He paled, though not as visibly as a mortal would've.  Denying a connection with Themba had been his one saving grace, the one thing he'd held onto.  He'd been punished for it, but it had been worth it, to not share something so intimate with his abuser.  And now, once again by Ben's own doing, Ichabod had gone through exactly what Ben had feared most.

Oh, oh fuck, no

He couldn't face Ichabod anymore, he couldn't keep talking.  The apology had ended as starkly as it had begun, and he hadn't even got to the part about being mean to Ichabod after he'd moved out.

He didn't like the person he was, nor the person he continued to be, even under Kerr's gentle care.  Why the hell was Kerr even with him?  Constantly defending him against people who knew Ben was not of good character?  Everybody else had known, had seen the truth.

Things really would've been better had Themba ended him.

He didn't believe that, of course, not truly.  Suicide and desiring death was far from Ben's identity.

What do you want to have happen? he conversed mentally with his fledge brother, but that was the clearest question, because the others that followed were all sent at once and on top of one another: What do you want me to do?  How do you want to deal with it?  What's the best way forward?

[pinkroses]

Ichabod titled his face towards Ben as the blonde’s voice trailed off, wishing he knew exactly what Ben was thinking. Ben was right, there hadn’t really been anyone to support him after the trial – Kerr was there for Ben, Mandy had chucked him out, his parents hadn’t known a thing other than that their son was a mess. And then he’d joined Kerr and Ben after a while, thinking he could get past what Ben had done – since Ben couldn’t remember and everyone thought he should get over it.

And he’d wanted to be with Kerr. So much. Being connected to Ben hadn’t mattered, it was just Kerr who had been important. In the excitement of it all, Cole, Kerr, becoming a vampire, Ben had just been there, encouraging and supporting what Ichabod wanted most, being close to Kerr.

And he’d accepted it for so long, that he would always be jealous of Ben, that they wouldn’t be friends, just… connected… family. You didn’t get to choose your family.

I want you to stop trying to make it better. It doesn’t work. It makes it worse. We’re best when we just are together, not trying so hard, not trying to deal with things, just… being. But Ben always wanted to do something, he always had to have a plan. Ichabod couldn’t imagine Ben being happy just letting things be, but that was how it worked best – when they had other things to worry about, like Kerr, and other things to think about, like exploring a new country. When they weren’t forcing themselves on one another.

“I think Rome next would be good,” Ichabod said quietly, reaching forwards to scoop up his mug. He never liked seeing anyone upset and hearing the tears in Ben’s voice made him want to try to comfort him, but he guessed trying to do that whilst Ben was trying to apologise and get these things off his chest might only make things worse.

[Trillian]

Ben nodded, and as Ichabod wished, didn't reply on the topic.  Yes, he could just let it be, because now he'd said his sorry, and Ichabod knew how he felt, and now it was time to back up his words with actions.  If he didn't, then it was just lip service; meaningless drivel.

Ben was surprised that Ichabod brought up the topic of travelling again, considering they could be talking about what might be affecting Kerr right now.  Hypothesising would do no good, of course, so really Ichabod had the best idea.

Rome struck him as a fashion designer kind of city, (not that he really knew), and so he didn't want to go there.  But then St Anna would've been one of the places he'd considered safe, so...  he couldn't live the rest of his existence in hiding.  He had to continue going out and doing things and seeing things, or else his second chance would be meaningless.

Third chance, now, really.  Jack had been ready to take over his body, and sacrifice him to the desert.  Kerr had plucked him out of it.  Huh.

"I'm interested in the Colosseum, like everybody else," he added with a self-conscious breathy laugh, "the Pantheon, too, which will probably be just as busy.  The plazas would be interesting.  I'm more into the idea of Venice than Rome, honestly."

[pinkroses]

Ichabod gave a small nod as Ben mentioned the sights of Rome, then moved on to Venice. And of it sounds brilliant to Ichabod. He wanted to go everywhere and Ben was a good companion for travelling Ichabod had found – which had been the point he had been trying to make by mentioning travelling again, but he wasn’t sure if Ben had got it.

“We could hijack a gondola to explore the waterways,” Ichabod said with a smile, letting his feet drop down to the floor as he put down his now empty mug and then he turned half way towards Ben, gazing across at him, the smile fading from his lips.

He appreciated Ben apologising, although he hated thinking about it. And he couldn’t just let it go without acknowledging it properly although he’d said they needed to stop discussing it.

“I’m glad you’re still here, still with us. When I thought you wanted to go… I didn’t know what I would do and not just because of how Kerr would act. You’re my family and we’re… okay.” Not perfect by any means, they could be friendly, but there would still be problems, still be awkwardness. But they could be alright together. “You’re a good travel buddy,” he added playfully, trying to lighten the mood since he knew at some point it would go back to the darkness of waiting to hear from Kerr.

[Trillian]

Ben smiled at the idea of racing around on a stolen gondola, but it didn't reach his eyes.  In the back of his mind he couldn't properly relax, not until they found out why they were even here, in hiding.

Ichabod surprised him by returning to the topic of them.  He was grateful that Ichabod acknowledged that they could be okay, and the truth that they would never be a hundred percent, but that sounded alright, to him.  He hadn't expected perfection.

"We seem to be interested in the same things," he agreed, then went on another tangent.  "You know, I was taking guitar lessons for a little bit.  Enough to know that I'm not a natural, but that I can get better with practise.  I have all the time in the world, right?  Were you thinking about learning music?"  Another thought occurred to him.  "Do you already know how to play an instrument?"

Lots of kids had parents who pushed them to one instrument or another in their childhood.  Ben had no such opportunity, but Ichabod probably had.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod smiled at the thought of Ben actually, somehow, struggling at perfecting something. Ben was so good at everything he put his mind to, he soared ahead of Ichabod at their mental training, their physical training, everything. Ichabodwould have loved to have been able to say yes, he could play something brilliantly.

“No, I can’t, but I wanted to be able to play piano when I was younger. We could never afford one, but it… looked impressive,” Ichabod said. “Sports were cheaper, more… sociable. My parents thought so anyway,” he added with a shrug. Yeah, he’d made a few friends that way, he’d been allowed into certain social circles at school through sports, but none of them had been good friends. It wasn’t like he was in contact with any of them now.

[Trillian]

"Oh yeh, playing piano would be cool.  I think it's more straightforward than the guitar," Ben guessed, but only because all the notes were in a big long row.  "This place would fit a piano."

He thought there was actually already a piano here - a baby grand, in fact - but he didn't recall seeing one, and maybe it had just been something Kerr had only planned in getting.  Had he got one?  They wouldn't find out without looking.

[pinkroses]

“Yeah, I suppose it would,” Ichabod murmured, glancing around at the large beach house. He’d grown up in a small house, as he guessed Ben had – there wouldn’t have been room for a piano even if they had been able to afford one.

He dropped his gaze after a few moments, looking at his shoes, lopsided on the floor, pursing his lips. He tried to think about where a piano could fit, what he could play, whether he and Ben would ever be able to play together. But how did they know if they would even be able to stay here? In the city?

“Do you think we’ll have to leave here?” he murmured, hardly realising he’d spoken outloud. God, it was so frustrating be kept in the dark.

[Trillian]

Ben blinked at Ichabod for voicing the very thing that Ben's own mind had shied away from.

Leave here
My home, my base, my city, my love
But I want to travel!
But I want my home waiting for me
Available for me

"I hope not," he said, and found himself lost for words, staring at Ichabod with an expression that felt anxious.  It looked just as anxious as it felt.