Sire 2.0

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr and Ben caught a cab to the Capital Building, mainly because neither could be sure Ichabod hadn’t bought cars or had a guest that would take up his parking spaces, but also because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It was more than the sex, though that had been grand. It was the rekindling of intimacy, the marvelling at simple touches and the ability to finally hold the person that means the most in your life close to your heart (even if it didn’t beat). Everything was wondrous and lovely in such a state, everything would work out and unhappiness was inconceivable.

As they got into the elevator to ride up to the penultimate floor, Kerr smiled mischievously at Ben. “I’ve been trying to keep my feelings to myself, to block my blood so he wouldn’t know I was coming but I think I’ve failed. I’m feeling some excitement coming from him!” Kerr gushed, clasping Ben tighter as he reached out to hit the floor button. “I don’t know how you didn’t know it was me when I arrived, do you think Charon tamped down on our blood bond somehow?”

[Trillian]

Ben, whose solemnity grew with each floor the elevator raced past on the way up to Ichabod's apartment, nodded at Kerr's declaration of growing excitement whilst thinking his own presence would profoundly dampen Ichabod's spirits. For all their touching and holding, nuzzling and kissing on the ride over, the nearer they got to their destination, the more uneasy he felt in Kerr's hold. He shielded his emotions and thoughts easily - mental blocks were something he was exceptionally good at now - but nothing would hide the tension in his muscles.

Kerr's wondering at Charon's mental tricks caught his attention and Ben took in breath, trying to picture it rippling through his body like a breeze of calm. It didn't work very well.

"Uh, he manufactured the sensation for me. Over time it dulled down as my memory of it did. When you arrived at my door feeling sharp and real, I thought... I don't know what I thought," he said, laughing breathily at himself but it was depracating rather than amused. "Thinking you'd returned from the dead was not on the list, though." He grinned at lover and sire, forgiving himself for not anticipating Kerr's return. That would've gone well over the 'kidding yourself' threshhold into full-blown psychotic denial.

He won't be pleased to see me, he sent, just as the elevator dinged.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod raised his head from the book he’d been trying (and failing) to read for the past hour and glanced towards the door. He’d been distracted all night and knew it was about the dream he’d had. He knew he’d stirred in the middle of the day, something he never did, with an overwhelming feeling that his sire was still alive. He’d been so happy and had felt at properly at peace for the first time in months. Eighteen months. But then when he’d woken up the feeling had faded and he knew it was just a dream. Kerr was gone and dreams that he was alive and well made everything so much worse. Normally they faded fast, but this one had lingered in his thoughts.

James had been gone when he’d woken up, but that wasn’t unusual. They weren’t living together and although they’d been seeing either other for months now, neither of them were in a rush to move things too hurriedly. James had plenty of other stuff on his plate with studying and work and although Ichabod enjoyed their time together he couldn’t help feeling a little guilty. He liked him, a lot, but he also felt like he was using James for a distraction, which wasn’t fair on the human. It seemed to be working for both of them though.

Then there it was again – that flutter of happiness and peace combined in a confusing way. Ichabod swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the butterflies that were suddenly swarming through his stomach and up into his chest as he stood up, unsure for a moment if his knees would hold him. He wasn’t wrong, was he? He’d thought he’d felt something like this countless times in the past eighteen months and each time he’d been wrong. But although this was similar, it was more. a rush of excitement made his fingers tingle and he took a deep breath, trying not to let himself build up his hopes.

Ichabod discarded his book and moved swiftly to the door, his bare feet silent on the carpet, wrenching it open just as the elevator dinged and the doors opened.

The first person he saw wasn’t who he wanted it to be though and a surge of disappointment flood through his body as he caught sight of the blonde standing there. Fuck. Was he that desperate for a hint of Kerr that he’d somehow got confused with his bond with Ben? He hasn’t seen his brother for so long, had he actually managed to get that mixed up in his hope? Surely not. No, definitely not. His feelings towards Ben could never get confused with this.

Then he spotted the other figure as the doors disappeared and his hand reached out to grab the doorframe, gripping it tightly.

“What… how…” Although he’d felt that hope and excitement Ichabod hadn’t really let himself believe it might be real. His gaze flickered back towards Ben for half a second, wondering briefly if this was some kind of trick, but it couldn’t be. He couldn’t mistake that feeling. His dark eyes were quickly fixed back on Kerr, drinking him in. Standing there like he’d never been gone.

“Kerr?” he whispered, not trusting himself to say his sire’s name properly in case it all just disappeared. He took half a step forwards, not knowing what to do or say - not trusting himself to let go of the doorframe just yet.

[Existentially Odd]

It’ll be alright, whatever...

Kerr abandoned his reply to Ben as he caught sight of Ichabod clinging to his doorway. He grinned, love filling his chest like the sun fills the sky as it rises. He’d dressed simply - sneakers, jeans, a blue jumper - and now he felt somewhat underwhelming and inadequate in the face of the powerful emotions the sight of his fledgling stirred in him. Dropping his block, the full force of their blood bond sang as he tapped into his Celerity to propel himself into Ichabod’s embrace.

“Cub,” he breathed as he wrapped his arms about him and squeezed, cheek pressed to Ichabod’s head so that his lips were near his ear. “I’msosorrycanyouforgiveme?” he babbled.

[Trillian]

Ben stepped out of the elevator and off to one side, making himself as unobtrusive as possible as the two of them had their reunion. There was a moment where he was happy for them, where he was pleased that Ichabod could share in the joy of his returning sire, like Ben had. He even wished he hadn't come, so as not to intrude on their moment. But then jealousy reared its head, along with resentment that their meeting was pure, and real, and untainted with misunderstanding. Ben had opened the door and thought he was looking at someone else. Ichabod had opened the door and immediately known. And as they clung to one another, with Kerr begging forgiveness, and thinking these negative things while watching a display of love, he realised what a piece of shit he was.

It's okay, Benny-boy, if you identify it, you can change it, he told himself. But deep inside he knew that this would always be his first reaction and the only change he made would be a conscious shoving down on those feelings and forcing something nicer on top. He cast his eyes down, not wanting to look at them and think ill thoughts.

[pinkroses]

The awe and confusion on Ichabod’s swiftly changed into a bright grin as Kerr raced towards him and Ichabod met him with open arms, flinging them around his neck enthusiastically. He squeezed his eyes shut, savouring the feel of Kerr’s body against his and letting his scent overwhelm him. Everything bad just disappeared, it was just them.

“You fucking shit, don’t you ever do that again,” he murmured, his voice full of love despite the words and the hint of a laugh bubbling up in his throat. This was all so confusing. How was he here? How was he alive? Ichabod let himself hang on for a few seconds longer before pushing back slightly so that he could see Kerr properly.

“You need to tell me everything,” he said, knowing he was stating the obvious, but not wanting to miss any of the explanation. He slipped his hand into Kerr’s and pulled him towards the door. But there was a slight moment of hesitation, one a human probably would have missed.

Ben. Ben was here. Ben was always there, seemingly just to mess things up. Of course Kerr had gone to see him first. They’d had their time together, alone to bond and reconnect. Probably fuck. And now Ben couldn’t even give him ten minutes alone with their sire to catch up? Any time Ben was there an argument occurred and Ichabod didn’t want this moment ruined.

But what was he supposed to do? Tell his brother to go away? To go sit in the car? Slam the door in his face? No, Ichabod knew he wasn’t brave enough to do any of that and besides, that would still, no doubt, lead to an argument.

So instead when he pulled Kerr inside he just left the door open for Ben to follow.

Nothing much had changed inside, other than Ichabod adding some books to the shelves and a couple of comforting touches, like a photo of James. The human’s cereal bowl was sat on the drainer from the previous day. It wasn't untidy, but felt a little more cluttered with random nic-naks that didn't quite go with the high-end decoration and items from when Kerr had lived there. Ichabod felt the urge to start nervously rearranging things, but he kept himself grounded by clinging to Kerr’s hand.

“Tell me,” he insisted again as he led Kerr to the couch where he had every intention of curling up beside him to hear exactly what had happened to make it feel like he was dead.

[Trillian]

Ben followed the pair inside, closing the door gently behind himself and peeking back at Kerr and Ichabod to see that they were heading to the lounge, with Ichabod leading their sire by the hand. More resentment spiked but Ben wasn't stupid enough to indulge it. He closed off his feelings, shutting them away even from those who would feel his blood bond (and he'd been good at that trick for years now, so it wasn't difficult to do it now, even with Kerr's bond freshly thrumming its way over to him).

He moved down the short corridor that would take him away from the lounge, and nosed about in Ichabod's things, even though he hadn't changed much of anything since taking over the place. Still, if there was a journal to be found, or something private to look at, like a locked drawer, laptop or a phone, Ben would take a moment and attempt to unlock it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr didn’t need a food container to tell him there was a mortal in Ichabod’s home; humans were olfactory grenades, their body odour lingered in the form of sweat, discarded skin cells or perfumes that didn’t mask their basic musk. It hung in the air for less time than it lingered on materials that were touched by them or furniture they inadvertently coated with their pheromones. If they regularly sat in the same place, touched the same object, walked the same paths, their scent compounded.

One person was doing exactly that at Ichabod’s, so Kerr quickly realised he wasn’t the only one with news but he complied with his fledgling’s instruction to go first, knowing his turn to question would come.

“The story is appallingly simple, I’m afraid.  As you know, I went back to Vienna. I needed to get the book Ben found in the library, for it had false information that caused the Mimic Demons to flee our plane. It was a precautionary act, to stop anyone accidentally summoning and enslaving one and the plan was simple: hide it in the inter-dimensional vault the Mimics had created to hold all of the Oligarchy’s treasures. Only I can access it,” he explained, pulling up his jumper briefly to show the mark on his chest.

“It should’ve been quick and easy, as I said,” he explained, his tone becoming mournful as he gazed at Ichabod’s dear face. He’d only seen it a couple of nights ago but it had been tight with worry and there’d been no time to explain (plus, he’d been trying to shield his fledglings from potential backlash over the demons, so he’d kept them ignorant). “But when I stepped into the vault, I was on another plane where time works differently. I was in there for eighteen minutes, I came out and approximately the same amount of months had passed. Everything moved on while time practically stood still for me. Had I known, I never would’ve done it!”

[pinkroses]

Ichabod was vaguely aware that Ben had wondered off, but to be honest right now he didn’t care what his brother did. He was only focused on Kerr. In the study there was the antique desk, currently covered in piles of books and scribbled notes on various papers Ichabod was working on (from the mortal university). Propped up on the desk and bookcase there were a couple of photos of scenes which hadn’t been there before, not the best quality so clearly printed at the chemist, not anywhere professional. Berlin, Rome, and one of James bundled up against the cold on a mountain trail, taken on a long weekend at a place only a couple of hours from the city.

Ichabod didn’t use email all that much apart from studying, so if Ben managed to break the password to the computer then he’d only really find typed up versions of those scattered notes. The emails were about his courses and the shifts he did at the library which he’d made himself sign up for so that he would have a reason to leave his apartment.

In a bottom drawer of the desk Ben might find a printed out map with the location of the Academy circled and a couple of noted directions scribbled on it. There was a list of various classes tailored towards vampires which Ichabod had considered for a while. But after one trip there Ichabod had never returned, he’d never even signed up for them. There was too much risk of running into Ben there and the idea of someone else teaching him the things Kerr was supposed to… it was too much. It had been over a year since Ichabod had even opened that drawer.

Whilst Ben rooted around, Ichabod curled up contentedly on the seat beside Kerr, his knees pulled up into his body and his hand still outstretched towards his sire, clasping his gently. He felt his stomach twist as Kerr began to explain. Ben found the book. The book Kerr had to hide away. If Ben hadn’t’ve done that then none of this would have happened. The thought that this was Ben’s fault wasn’t a new one, but there had always been the shadow of Themba to blame it on more, even without a clue to what had happened. Ichabod tried to shove that feeling down so Kerr wouldn’t recognise it, but he was nowhere near as good at it as Ben was. He forced himself to focus on the rest of the story though, trying not to dwell on that anger.

“Another plane? I didn’t even know that kind of thing could really happen,” he said, trying to wrap his head around it. If it had been anyone other than Kerr telling him then Ichabod doubted he would have believed it. There were so many questions he would have asked about the vault, about accessing it with that mark, about what else was in there, but he wasn’t thinking of that right now. “It’s been so long, we thought… but for you it was nothing.”

His eyes dropped downwards, a frown creasing his forehead. So for Kerr it was a night, maybe two. For them it was a year and a half. “You were dead.”

He lifted his hand from Kerr’s to rub over his eyes. Ichabod felt them prick with threatened tears but he also just needed a second to not focus on the sire who’d left them behind. He knew it wasn’t Kerr’s fault, how could he had known? But at the same time, how had he been so thoughtless? Kerr always seemed so in control, so knowledgeable. How had he not known?

“When did you realise it had been so long?”

[Trillian]

Ben made a few half-hearted attempts at unlocking Ichabod's computer but Ben didn't know him well enough to figure out what he would use as a password. He tried the usual suspects, like 'password', and '1234' because people were stupid and he wouldn't have put it past Ichabod either. After spying the photograph of James - which he grabbed and studied intently - he set the photograph down and moved onto the drawers. Boring. Boring. Hang on, what's this? He recognised the Academy's location from the map - the place where it was temporarily located, anyway - and snorted air through his nose indignantly at the fact Ichabod wasn't on any of the class lists. He knew because he'd checked. Ben had arranged for Ichabod to be a permanently registered student, meaning he could come and go into the classes as he pleased without having to pay anything, but so far Ichabod hadn't shown up to a single one. Ben knew it was likely because Ichabod wanted to avoid seeing him.

Coward.

Was it too soon to interrupt them? He was aware only a couple of minutes had passed, but being in this apartment and smelling Ichabod everywhere - unlike Kerr, Ben was focussed on Ichabod's smell rather than his donor. He wondered if he would be able to smell the mortal in Ichabod's bed. Ooh. Ben left the study and moved unerringly to the master bedroom. He still remembered the layout.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr sensed the anger and Ichabod's reluctance to let it out - then he started talking about Kerr's absence from his life, so the sire interpreted the two as stemming from one another. Deciding it would be healthier for his fledgling to fully express his feelings, Kerr didn't shy from expanding on his tale with the really unfortunate details. He shuffled closer to Ichabod, aware he might be crowding him but wanting to prompt an honest reaction. He squeezed Ichabod's thigh then rested his hand there.

"Not until I exited the vault into the same hotel room I'd left eighteen minutes before and found an older couple getting ready for bed. Then I looked at the date. The worst part was that there was a guardian in the vault that kept telling me how much time was passing but she didn't tell me why she was counting the minutes, so... I felt extra stupid once I realised," he admitted.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod lifted his gaze as Kerr’s hand moved to his thigh and let his own hand go out to cover his sire’s. “That must have been a shock,” he said, trying to choose his words carefully. It really had been nothing for Kerr, barely any time at all. Then to suddenly realise eighteen months had passed? For Ichabod they had dragged endlessly, but really nothing too much had happened since he’d parted ways with Ben. He’d met James and they’d had fun together. But his studying of his vampiric skills had gone nowhere. He’d tucked himself away from the supernatural society of the city. He’d cocooned himself. Now Kerr was back, Ichabod was angry at him for having left, but annoyed at himself as well, knowing he’d done nothing to make his sire happy in his absence.

Ichabod didn’t want to be angry at Kerr though, or himself, so he turned it towards someone he was very good at being angry with, whom he was aware had just moved from the study towards the bedroom.

James wasn’t here at the moment, but there had been plenty of nights he had stayed over so Ichabod felt a flare of protection over the mortal, or at least the idea of him. Ben wouldn’t have found much excitement in the bedroom, an unmade bad (Ichabod had been too distracted to make it that evening), a half open wardrobe with clean clothes hung up and a few shoes on the floor, a pile of books on the bedside cabinet and although there were a few toys in the bedside drawer, nothing unusual.

If James had been here Ichabod would have stopped Ben from lurking around earlier, but he didn’t have much to hide. Ben thought little enough of him as it was, what could he find that would worsen that? He’d probably be disappointed there wasn’t anything juicier he could hold against his brother.

“Why did you bring him? Just so he could snoop around? I guess he told you everything that happened?” His side of it anyway. He spoke loudly enough that Ben would have been able to hear easily and there was a snappy tone to it. Ben would have known Ichabod wouldn’t have wanted to see him and if he had told Kerr any kind of version of what happened then Kerr should have known better than to bring him along as well.

[Trillian]

Ben, standing at the doorway of the bedroom and already smelling the mortal's presence in the room, wasn't so crass as to smell the sheets and pillows. He'd lingered at the doorway wondering where to look first, when he heard Ichabod's snarky comment float down the corridor to him. He was surprised his brother had said it out loud rather than privately into Ben's head. Perhaps he wanted Kerr to hear his disapproval as well. It was bold move and one he hadn't anticipated from a vampire whose personality he considered meek. He toyed with the idea of speaking loudly back, but thought it would be in his best interests to keep his reply between him and Ichabod. He might be dobbed in, but a complaint ran the risk of sounding petulant... especially after he'd made the first snide remark.

I was giving you some privacy, actually. Unless you want me staring at you snuggling and fondling Kerr?

Because he'd opened a channel of communication, he couldn't hide the delight that travelled the same line as his thoughts. Thinking about Kerr also twanged their mental connection as well, but Ben wasn't conscious of it. Kerr would forgive him anyway. He'd already told him the worst and hadn't even got more than a disappointed expression. Then they'd run to the bedroom.

Score.

In more ways than one.

[Existentially Odd]

Guilt rose as Kerr realised he hadn’t given enough consideration to Ichabod’s feelings. He’d been so focussed on their reunion, he hadn’t thought bringing Ben would be a problem but, really... he was an idiot. Having a year to brew bad blood didn’t augur a pleasant time for his fledglings - or any of them, really. Feeling Ichabod’s muted anger mixed with Ben’s bubbling happiness only upset him; Cub was doing his best to hold his negativity in check but Kerr couldn’t tell exactly what had Ben’s spirits up. Kerr could only hope it wasn’t superiority in one form or another.

He regretted bringing Ben because it upset Ichabod but he also couldn’t bear to be away from his love - Ichabod didn’t need to hear that said so bluntly, though - so he chose not to acknowledge the snippy questions from his younger fledgling. He also chose not to send Ben down to the lobby to wait because he selfishly didn’t want to encourage drama.

“He told me how poorly he treated you, yes. I’m sorry you two couldn’t... well, support each other, I suppose. I feel I’m mostly to blame because the situation should never have arisen. I’d planned to divvy up my assets better but there didn’t seem any rush. Now I know better. I have some interesting legal meetings in my future - not the least of which is convincing my lawyers that I’m not gone after all,” he said with a conspiratorial smile. “I expect you’ll be involved but I don’t want to put any pressure on you with regard to availability just yet. You haven’t even had a chance to tell me what’s new with you?”

Kerr could smell the ‘new’ but that wasn’t the same as being told about him. He rolled his hand beneath Cub’s so that their fingers could intertwine and raised his eyebrows encouragingly.

[pinkroses]

His scowl deepended as Ben’s voice was suddenly thrust into his head and he couldn’t help but flinch slightly. He hadn’t used many of his mental skills recently and hadn’t expected Ben to go down that route – the coward. It had been obvious Ben would have heard so did he think Kerr wouldn’t know he’d replied mentally? It wasn’t like Ben was capable of keeping his thoughts to himself.

Unfortunately the flinch timed with Kerr speaking again – ignoring the questions he wanted to. He dropped his gaze down to where their hands were entwined… fondling. It was weird, Ichabod still loved Kerr, that was never going to change with their bond, but that lust that had been there, that had faded somewhat. Those little looks and caresses, they were nice, but didn’t make Ichabod crumble with desire to do anything to make Kerr happy anymore.

If you had any consideration for what I wanted you would have stayed away, he shot back at Ben before raising his eyes to meet Kerr’s again. He wanted to tell him about James, but right now he was not in the mood and having Ben there just made him want to clam up. When he spoke it was in a quieter voice, but with a cold edge Kerr probably wouldn’t be familiar with.

“I was there for him. I supported him. I moved in there for a bit. I didn’t tell him about…” Themba. His lips pressed shut. He’d believed the ancient had had something to do with Kerr’s death, but what would have been the point in telling Ben? He’d wanted to help his brother get through it then.

 He took a deep breath. “Let me know in advance what meetings you need me to attend. I’ll work stuff around it.”