ALTERNATE: No Risk No Reward

[Trillian]

Jake's words made him feel like a bigot. Ben disliked the implication but he struggled to find a reason to justify it. He blinked his shock when Jake punched the wall and left, and Ben stared wide-eyed at the hole he'd left behind. It wasn't a display of strength so much as a display of how much Ben had managed to piss him off.

Wary that he could be fucking up his chance to be sired and not really wanting this argument to end in this way, he set his book aside and climbed off the bed, cautiously heading out of the bedroom to see where Jake had gone. He hadn't left the apartment, thankfully, and when Ben found Jake in the living room he stared at him a moment, debating whether or not to approach.

He decided to. When he got close enough, he reached out a hand to touch his shoulder.

[Black Philip]

Jake rebuffed Ben's attempt to touch him. This wouldn't be solved so simply. He looked at Ben with guilt though. He just wanted to understand why Ben was acting this way. He was more sad than anything else. He'd searched for so long for someone to love, and siring him was an added bonus. He'd begun to doubt if Ben was really the best choice to sire. If he couldn't be a part of Jake's life, which included the Anarchs, could they really be in a relationship? He also didn't want to force Ben to be around his people just to make him happy. This needed to be solved.

He moved to the couch, and indicated Ben should sit with him. Whether Ben sat or not, Jake finally said, "We need to figure this thing out."

His tone was softer than before, more even, but that anger was still there bubbling below the surface. His face showed it, and the fact that he hadn't let Ben touch him was another clue. This moment with the Anarchs brought him back to that night at the fair. It had all changed then. The night that was supposed to bring them closer had seemingly put them on different paths.

[Trillian]

Ben wasn't surprised that Jake shook him off, but it alarmed him that he'd said far too much. He should've faked it, or hung out with Lisa-Joe. She'd seemed alright. Those derisive looks from the other guys that Ben dismissed as common thugs though... that had been too much for him to take.

He moved to the couch when Jake gestured and sat upon it.

"Alright," he agreed, and steeled himself for the conversation that was to come. He had every intention of fixing it and he hoped Jake would believe him. Or maybe he'd even give Jake the truth. It depended how ready Jake was to hear it... he might slip a comment here and there and see how his lover reacted. If he balked, then Ben would retract.

Easy. Just like learning to juggle using knives.

[Black Philip]

Jake looked happy to see that Ben was willing to talk about all this, but didn't quite no where to start. He decided to go for the biggest question on his mind. He'd begun to doubt it since they'd bonded.

"Do you love me," he asked, trying not to sound too emotional.

[Trillian]

Ben hadn’t expected Jake to ask that question. It was pretty shit of him to ask how Ben felt, to not wait the words during a moment when Ben was feeling happiest, warmest, most willing to share... to request those words without saying them himself.

Ben puffed his annoyance and reflected Jake's hurt back at him.

"Why would you ask me that during our lowest moment? Why couldn't you wait for me to say it on my own?"

[Black Philip]

He'd replied to a question with a question, and seemingly tried to shift the focus off how shitty he treated people at the Rabbit and onto Jake. The vampire looked saddened by Ben's answer, almost betrayed. The bond confirmed this and he felt embarrassed that Ben was seeing him so vulnerable. His eyes widened and then went cross, cursing unintelligibly under his breath. He looked away, eyes finding a particularity nice spot on the wall. After a few moments, he turned back to look at Ben though, seemingly fighting some urge to disconnect.

"Because when we're at our lowest moment we need to hear that the most." He felt overly romantic and sentimental. He cursed his love for Ben. It had made him so weak, so dependent on the opinion and feelings of another. What was he getting for it? He'd replied to a question with a question, and seemingly tried to shift the focus off how shitty he treated people at the Rabbit and onto Jake.

[Trillian]

Ben felt that betrayal thrumming on their connection and was angered by it. How fucking dare Jake make demands of love during a time they were supposed to 'work their problem out'. They were supposed to talk about the White Rabbit, not their love for one another. What the actual fuck.

"Fine. Have my forced answer. I like you. I care about you. I'm attracted to you. I don't want us to break up. You can decide if that's love or not. If you want to call it off, just end it. Don't pretend it's because I won't say the words when you demand them from me. They are mine to give. They are not yours to take."

Inside, his heart quailed. He was frightened that Jake would turn around and cast him out, that he'd pushed too far. What had happened to his plan to keep Jake happy? Why had he bitten back at him? Being sired was the most important thing in the world to him, and he was sabotaging that because he didn't want to say the words when Jake wanted to hear them. Seriously, why was he being so fucking stupid? What difference did it make if he said it now and meant it?

He couldn't take his argument back now. It had been said. Saying 'yes' or 'I love you' would feel tainted.

[Black Philip]

Jake was shocked that Ben would dangle the end of their relationship out like that, just telling Jake to end it. Did it mean so little to him he'd be fine packing up and leaving? He'd also said he didn't want to break up. He was sending mixed signals at best, and it left Jake unsure what to do or say next. He got up.

"I need a minute to think," he said, trying to make it seem as unemotional as possible so Ben wouldn't think he was storming off again. He walked into the seldom used kitchen and placed his hands on his head, trying to figure out what Ben had meant, and how to receive it. He seemed to think that asking where his feelings were was some great affront. To Jake, what was the point of talking about the superficial issues if they didn't feel or want the same things? Jake desired closeness, and didn't understand the perception Ben had formed. He could've just said I don't know yet, but instead mentioned superficial facets of their dyad and then said it was up to Jake to figure out if it was love. What the fuck did that even mean? He either loved Jake or not, or was unsure, but this you figure it out dynamic felt like ducking responsibility and created more ambiguity. Jake felt the ambiguity between them was the problem!

Then their was the accusation he'd demanded his answer. Jake had asked. He hadn't said, Tell me or I'll leave you, but that seems to be how Ben heard it. Was Jake being too direct? Did Ben expect to never share, to constantly be guessing where the other was at? Jake sighed, and moved back into the room.

"Okay," he began, tense but under control for the moment. "I don't want us to end. I never have. I love you. I know that now. I'm worried we want different things, and that I let you in too much. I-. I don't normally let people see who I am. Now that I have... it just feels like you don't like who I am. The White Rabbit is a part of who I am, just as much as the things in this place."

He used his hands to show the apartment. "I would like you to respond to that in whatever way you see fit. I demand nothing, but... I ask that you tell me where you're at with all this."

[Trillian]

When Jake looked at him with that expression, Ben pressed his lips together firmly, watching with worried eyes when Jake excused himself and moved away. He covered his face with his hands, keeping his eyes closed, shutting everything out. He didn't want Jake to turn around and see his face. He stayed like that for a long while, but managed to drop his hands just before Jake came back.

He listened carefully to what he was being told, not liking some of it, feeling guilty when Jake told him he loved him. Why hadn't he led with that? Why had he wanted Ben to say it first? Now the words were stuck in his throat, refusing to come out. He didn't want to say them and have Jake think they weren't real. He wouldn't think they were real, after what had been said. Why should Jake?

Ben shook his head, not yet ready to explain how he felt until he got it straight what Jake meant. "You're... you're worried that you let me in too much?" Ben repeated, not understanding that part. It made no sense. How could he profess love one moment but then say he wished he'd kept Ben at arm's length the next?

There was more he wanted to talk about - the White Rabbit for instance, that was definitely going to be part of this conversation, but for now he wanted to hear the answer about how Jake would have preferred to compartmentalise him.

[Black Philip]

Jake felt the wind come out of his sails, and listened as Ben asked his clarifying question. He'd just told the human he loved him, and yet there was no declaration to match. The Ventrue looked uneasy, unsure. He tried to explain the multi-layers of reason behind his thinking.

"It just seems like the more I tell you about me, the less you seem to want to be a part of it. The White Rabbit was a big deal. Meeting my friends was a big deal. My reward for showing you all that was to be told that you feel like you have nothing in common with them." He let his tone match the one Ben used when he's said that word. It sounded petty hanging in the air, but Jake had added nothing. He'd only mimicked. It was Ben's pettiness. "I'm worried because I just told you I loved you, and..." He teared up, looking much closer to his looks in age than was normal. "You didn't say it back. I hate feeling like I might care about you more than you care about me. I don't know what you feel. I wish I did."

He'd laid out his central issue. He'd felt for a while like his love might be one sided. The truth was he didn't know for sure what Ben felt. He didn't want to become Mitrhas, simply tearing out Ben's thoughts like a horoscope, but his patience had resulted in lot's of frustration. Was this being in a relationship, constantly guessing if your partner cared as much as you? What a headache love was turning out to be.

[Trillian]

The feelings of love and hurt coming at him were too much. What Jake was sharing with him was too much. Ben could feel his lower lip tremble and he covered his face with his hands once more, not wanting Jake to see his expression crumpling. While Jake teared up, Ben was unable to control the sobs that forced their way out of him. He hated crying, he despised it. It made him weak and ugly and stupid.

He felt like this was the beginning of the end. Jake had told him he loved him and Ben couldn't say it back, and what faster way to end a relationship than that? It was over. He was already crying over a breakup he knew would happen. If not tonight, then tomorrow, when Jake assessed what had happened and decided Ben was too much trouble and didn't love him anyway. Ben was gutted, he couldn't even talk because his breathing was fucked up, hitching breaths and tears and snot.

"I told you," he managed to spit out. The words were muffled so he parted his hands a crack so he could speak through the gap he made. "I like.... you. A lot. I... c-care... about you. I... don't... know if..."

It sounded so fucking lame in response to being told he was loved. Ben escaped the couch, dropped his hands and walked back to the bedroom and shut the door, putting his back to it and hating that he couldn't just pull it together and tell Jake what he wanted to hear. There were so many words. There was so much he wanted to say to Jake; it was all in his head, trapped there. He wanted to say them, to explain exactly what he felt and why he felt it and to make Jake understand that he wasn't a loss. That he wasn't a user. That they could be something.

But he couldn't get any of it out. He could barely talk. Without Jake right beside him, he started getting control of himself. The hitching breaths calmed. He took off his shirt and wiped his face with it before clutching it to his chest. A lump remained in his throat and he waited for it to pass.

[Black Philip]

Jake watched as his words seemed to hit Ben in the gut, and while he was sad to see Ben so sad, he felt a strange warmth. He could see that Ben cared, even if his human love couldn't say it in the words and ways Jake wanted to here. Nobody was in this much pain if they didn't value what was present, and the bond prevented Ben from engaging in outright deceit. Jake didn't stop Ben when he got up and went to the bedroom. He'd needed a minute too, but when Ben didn't emerge after a short while he got up and sat on the other side of the door.

Their backs were to one another with something large in between them. The metaphor was not lost on the young Anarch leader. He could hear Ben's breathing begin to slow. Jake didn't know what to say, so he pulled out his gold cigarette case and started to smoke to give himself something to do.
"You know I only loved one other person. It was a long time ago. He died. It made meeting you such an important moment in my life. I can talk to you in ways I can't talk to other people, not even Lisa-Joe. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you if you loved me. Maybe that was the mistake. But Ben... if this is going to work I can't constantly be guessing where your heads at or how you feel. Maybe you're like me. Maybe you can't tell everyone what's going on in that beautiful head of yours, but I hope you can eventually tell me."

He took an inhale as he waited for a reply, eyes closed and focusing on their shared connection. It was all that mattered right now.

[Trillian]

Feeling better, with the door acting like a shield, he listened to Jake's plea and responded.

"I'm never going to fit in with the people the White Rabbit attracts. I stayed away from them in high school. I stayed away from them at my old job. I just... I'm not like them, they're tough guys who live paycheck to paycheck and blow all their money going out to bars like that and having 'a good time'. I stayed home. I wrote in my journals. I hung around in libraries. I blew all my money on rent and food and a car, and even then I couldn't make rent a few times. I would clean the factory office to get overtime pay so I wouldn't have to sell my car because I knew one day I might have to live in it." Ben wrung his shirt. "And those guys, guys like that... they'd see I had a Dodge Charger, not that it was beat up and barely running, and they'd see that I didn't wear the same clothes, that I couldn't talk about sport or girls. The White Rabbit is a place that gives me a bunch of bad fucking memories. I'll never be comfortable there."

The knot was in his throat again, threatening to make him cry again. He stared up at the ceiling and took deep, calming, shuddering breaths.

Jake's friends, the bar... they were important to Jake. And now Ben had said 'never' to it. Straight after he refused to say 'love'. It was hard-hitting punch after hard-hitting punch and he wondered when Jake would say stop.

[Black Philip]

They were hard hitting punches, and on the other side of the door Jake frowned deeply. He had the Anarchs all wrong, and his insistence of their incompatibility was frustrating. What Jake saw was a person unwilling to try and step outside their comfort zone, but as Ben was doing as he asked and saying what he felt, Jake didn't feel like openly disagreeing with him was the best option. However, it left him filled with self doubt, and it colored his next question.

"Then if you don't think my business or friends and you are compatible, then why do you think we 're compatible, or do you even?"

This was breakup talk, but Jake didn't want that. He just wanted to know Ben's plan to make this work. Jake wasn't going to give up on Ben and the Anarchs getting along. He just didn't know them. In time, he'd see how normal they were, how friendly. They were outcasts who were always happy to welcome a new form of misunderstood, and Jake could easily see Ben as being misunderstood.

[Trillian]

Ben didn't like the hue of the question coming at him and he moved away from the door, approaching the bed. He flung his shirt at the hamper and couldn't even be pleased that it went straight in.

He flopped face down on the bed. Hands moved under his head to pillow his cheek as he looked sideways at the wall.

And stayed there.