Tell Me Everything

[Black Philip]

Jake was happy when Lazarus didn't blurt out vulgarities or threaten him when he asked about Ben. He needed to know, and his answer only served to make the situation feel even more tragic. He'd been growing as a person. He had been growing for Jake. Jake sat on the floor near the box and crossed his legs Indian style before looking up at his love.

"Lazarus. I know that's a big deal for you, the idea of submitting. What if we didn't see it that way? What if who poked who was secondary to pleasing each other. When we fucked, you always made sure I was pleasured. I dare say sometimes it seemed to matter more to you if I got off than you did. I would do the same for you if the roles were switched."

He took a drag to think, but his face would tell Lazarus this was a pausing point, not a time to respond. The smoke billowed out his nostrils and the smallness of the room began to bathe them both in a smokey light, like fog.

"And I don't think you were losing yourself. I think -. I think you were growing as a person, maybe changing for me, because you..." He couldn't say it. He needed to hear him say it, and he looked at him praying this was the one time Lazarus would finish his sentence.

[Trillian]

Lazarus narrowed his eyes, knowing what Jake was prompting for. He had other stuff to say first.

"And my reward for that, for my growth," he began snidely, "was not to be spoken to downstairs, not to be told I'd done wrong, not to be reprimanded by you, but to be sent upstairs on a fool's errand - because you didn't want me to bring anyone downstairs for us to play with, you lied - just so you could make a big fucking show of arresting me in front of everyone."

Lazarus sneered. "And I trusted you. I let them fucking take me, even though I have the speed to get away, the strength to push past, the threshhold for pain required to jump through a fucking window. That was me, putting trust in you, to realise that this," he circled his finger in the air to mean the cell that they were in, "is a huge mistake. So now you're locked in, because of all those fucking witnesses that you insisted on putting around us, that you insisted on having know our business, that you told that I'd raped Ben, now you've painted yourself into a fucking corner that you have to punish me, to keep on looking like a leader. And so I thought you'd put me on the stand, let me say my piece, or fucking sorry or something, and I'd have to be whipped or... or hurt some other way."

He swallowed, not wanting to admit that he'd thought Jake had sent Charon in here to rape him as an equal punishment to the crime.

"But batman told me that death is on the table. Fucking death."

And he wanted to look mad, but Lazarus could only look scared.

[Black Philip]

Jake looked ashamed as Lazarus said what was more or less true. He was boxed in. Letting Lazarus go was not an option, not now. Sabrina had been enlisted. He'd been humiliated by fucking Ben, listened to the brat call him a psycho, and that his people were all the same. He hated Ben more than ever, and honestly found Lazarus more contrite and reasonable. The facts didn't change though. There would be a trail. However, Ben had asked him to be spared. Kerr asked him to be spared on Ben's behalf, and even Charon - who cared for Ben - had told Lazarus he hoped Jake spared him. Sabrina would respect a punishment less than death. She wanted to help him, not hurt others. Then there was Jake. He didn't want Lazarus to die. He never did. It was the Black Prince, the District Leader who wished for Lazarus to die.

There were more issues than just Jake's personal wants though. Lazarus needed to be punished, and it needed to stick. Jake began to think of alternatives to death, and felt relief that he was starting to abandon that as his only option. Lazarus needed to make it right with Ben and to mean it. He also needed to understand how he'd hurt Jake, so he'd never do it again, and regrettably he'd need to be made an example of in some way. That part would bring Jake no pleasure, but for all of them to escape this the city had to see Lazarus face his actions.

"I- I- thought you would hurt me. I thought you would kill me. I didn't know what I know now. I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

He pulled the suit out of the box, standing up so Lazarus could see it fully. "And I don't want you to die. I thought I had no other choice, that you... couldn't become a better man. I was wrong about that too. You have proved me wrong."

[Trillian]

Lazarus' fear melted away at Jake's words and at his desire not to end Lazarus' existence.

"You proved me wrong, too," he said. His tone sounded sad, though he looked more angry than sad. "When was this time that I raped you?"

He needed to know.

[Black Philip]

Jake looked disappointed that Lazarus hadn't figured it out yet. He needed Lazarus to realize it.

"I promise I'm not being cagey, but can you think of any time we had sex where I wasn't myself, maybe seemed... not at home?"

 

[Trillian]

Lazarus frowned darkly at him.

No. Not that time. That had been when he'd fixed Jake!

No, please. Not then.

"I brought you back," he said. "I thought I'd hurt you. You shouldn't have grabbed me in the middle of..." he shook his head. "You mean, when I surrendered to you. When I proved my loyalty to you. When I apologised." He wet his lips with his tongue at the memory of taking Jake into his mouth. It had been what led to Ben's rape, as well.

It was a fucking curse. He should never have done it. He was fucking cursed.

"You got better!" he defended, horrified that it was that moment. That one moment where he'd actually chosen to show his love. That was the rape.

[Black Philip]

Jake wished he could just show him. If he could just show him his pain, he'd understand. If he could feel that twisted hot knife that shattered his mind momentarily he'd know how Jake reached the conclusions he reached. He was happy Lazarus could at least see which time now. They were making progress. He looked at that stupid ring, the thing that was really between them. If he hadn't been wearing it he would've felt Jake's pain. Their minds would be connected. Could love trump the power of a dragon? He doubted it, but it was easier than just explaining an he had to try.

"I want to try something," he began. "I want to show you what I experienced. I think if you feel it, you'll understand. I want you to try and let me in. Maybe if you want to see what I have to show the ring will let me. I want you to understand. It will fix everything."

He tried to sound like he wasn't pleading, but in truth he was. If their minds could connect despite the ring, then maybe there was hope for them.

[Trillian]

Lazarus moved back, but there was nowhere to go - he'd only been a few inches from the wall, so he hit it now. His physical retreat mirrored his mental one.

"No," he said, horrified by Jake's offer. "Why would you want to share that with me? Why do you want me to experience your pain? Isn't it enough of a torture for me that I caused it? That a demonstration of my love was unwanted and has caused a rift between us? You want me to share that with you?" He shook his head. "Just, no."

[Black Philip]

Jake held his hands up defensively and backed away too. He had to experience it, why shouldn't Lazarus? His love's cowardice and selfishness was showing, and it made Jake pull away a bit emotionally too. He knew seeing such a thing wouldn't be pleasant. It wasn't mean to be. It was meant to help him understand.

"I obviously won't force myself on you," he said, regretting the word choice as he uttered it. "I meant I won't make you try. I meant. Oh fuck!"

He cursed in anger and sat again. How could he make him understand?

"When you threw me into the wall. It made me feel so weak. It reminded me that you had the power to kill me at a moments notice, or even by accident. I felt mortal. I was in shock. I didn't know what you were doing until you were doing it. I wanted to tell you to stop. I wanted to say that this wasn't how to help me. But I kept seeing you throw me and you'd been so angry only a few moments before. I thought. I thought if I stopped you that you'd hurt me more. At the time it made sense. Can't you see how I'd feel that way? I was no one. I know you didn't meant to hurt me, but you did, and now here we are."

He looked up at Lazarus, face showing him the pain of telling him all this.

[Trillian]

At Jake's statement about not forcing Lazarus, the ancient broke eye contact and glared at the wall. There was that curious statement again. I was no one. He'd heard it before Jake had gone back to normal. He looked back at his once-lover.

"Then what about right after it happened? Why didn't you tell me I should've asked first? Why didn't you tell me you would've preferred a hug or something? I was the one who broke you, so I wanted to be the one to fix you!"

He sighed and stared at the floor, remembering that Jake had smacked his female fledge instead. Taking it out on her what he wanted to do to Lazarus but was too scared to, no doubt.

"I can kill you now, here in this cell. I can use my celerity and my strength and snap your neck, then rip your head off your shoulders. You know I can do all these things, that I can hurt you and kill you, but here you are. And you knew it back then, too. Before the... before the mistake. When you invited me into your bed. You knew I was stronger then, too. I didn't mean to throw you across the room. I just reacted. I thought I... broke you. I submitted to you to show you I'm your servant, your follower. It was a gesture to give you back your power, not take it away."

Lazarus turned around and faced the wall, not wanting Jake to see the strange crumpling expression that he could feel stealing over his face. He couldn't control it from doing that, and he thumped his forehead against the wall a few times to make it stop.

[Black Philip]

"Stop," Jake pleaded as Lazarus smacked his forehead into the wall. "Please."

He got up and walked over to him. So this is what fealty felt like? It was a horrid feeling. That was one of the worst parts. Lazarus really did accept his authority, his position, and that fact had harmed them both.

"I'm not broken. You didn't break me. I'm doing better now. In the moment, I just convinced myself it didn't bother me. I passed those feelings on to Sam. You hurt me. I hurt her. It rolled downhill."

Sam was coming to the trial tomorrow, and Maria had told him she wanted to reconcile. As far as Lazarus and he were concerned, he had only one more question he needed answered. "Are you sorry?"

[Trillian]

He didn't care what Jake did to his fledgeling. Why was he telling him about it?

And then the question about regret and apology. Was he sorry? Was he fucking sorry?

"I'll tell you at the trial," he said, keeping his back to Jake and his face turned away.

[Black Philip]

Jake let his hand drop, feeling the wind fall out of some promising sails. He'd had to fight the urge to tell him that he loved him, and now he was glad he hadn't. He dipped his head, and sighed.

"Very well. Please wear the suit. You'll look amazing in it."

He turned to go, and paused as he got to the door, just in case Lazarus had anything else to say. If not, he'd leave the cell.

/end