Touch

[Trillian]

The best part about having staff was that they would clean up after an event such as the Academy's opening night. The night had gone perfectly, though Ben had chosen to cut his speech in half. Once he'd been up there, all the things he'd wanted to say had felt like too much, so he'd gone with the gist of it. As a result, the night had sped on and the Academy was now in business. Ichabod was handling everything like a superstar. Ben shouldn't have been surprised - he'd never given his brother much credit but he'd always known that Ichabod was smart.

Even though staff had taken care of everything, he and Kerr had lingered before going home and while it had been exciting, Ben hadn't been in the mood for anything beyond drinking from a blood baggie and collapsing on the bed.

And now, early the next night, he'd woken in Kerr's arms and he was feeling lazy and cosy enough to want to lie in. He squirmed a little, wanting to further pronounce where their bodies connected. He felt safe and happy.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled as he realised Ben was awake. He'd woken first and, unwilling to surrender his intimate proximity with his beloved, had contented himself with reading a book while he waited. It was telekinetically suspended - open - above his head. When Ben wriggled against his naked body, he reached up a hand in time to catch the closed book, tossing it onto his bedside table before he wrapped his arm about his love again.

"You seem pleased with yourself," Kerr murmured, shifting beneath the covers so that he was turned to face Ben. Contentment flowed along their blood bond, relaxing Kerr. He kissed Ben gently, running his hand along his side, stopping at his hip. He didn't wish to ruin the mood, despite the pleasure he took in having his skin pressed to Ben's and its desire for more. "Thinking about last night?" he grinned, breaking the kiss. His hands moved lethargically over Ben, caressing his face, hair, chest, arms... wherever he could comfortably reach.

[Trillian]

Ben hummed and sighed, a smile on his lips.

"Last night went swimmingly," he said, using a word he'd picked up from someone else somewhere. Not usually in his vocabulary but he liked it. Perhaps Ichabod, maybe Vincent, or any number of the staff he'd hired. It was hard to know when he had interaction with so many different people nowadays.

His hands caressed Kerr's chest before one floated up to Kerr's lips, a feathery touch of fingers before they shied away, some dark memory threatening to resurface. His lips twitched their smile but he'd escaped having to think about anything horrible when his hand moved along Kerr's jaw.

"A few people came up to me questioning my decision to run for District Leader when I had the Academy to run, or they'd repeatedly say 'you're so young', like I didn't just organise the Academy by myself," he said. "I'm learning how to be polite in a trial by fire," he added wryly, knowing he was going to get such comments. "My favourite question was 'did you just think of running tonight?' like I'd put two seconds of thought into it."

He smiled, and he'd even forced a laugh at the time to the person posing the question and answered it well, but fuck it had made him furious. Even remembering it was spoiling his good mood right now. Did people really think he was that much of a flake?

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr snorted derisively. "Age doesn't bestow wisdom with any more certainty than winter brings snow," he said offhandedly. "The two are too often mutually exclusive and it all depends on where you live, anyway. I hope you told that idiot, 'No, but you're thinking of me running just tonight, because that's how I wanted it'. Instil a bit of awe in them. We haven't worked this hard for them to underestimate your brilliance." Kerr shook his head, casting off the negative feelings negative people roused.

"I take their shock as a compliment," he decided. "They didn't see you coming and suddenly there you were, dazzling them with the reality of the Academy and the potential of a democratic future. They want to box you in, label you, see you as one thing, because that's how they stay comfortable. But last night you proved you have so much more to give and it unnerved them - it always does, when you show people they should choose something they were too stupid to even know they needed," he ruminated, stroking Ben's arm thoughtfully.

He was young, of course, but Kerr was pleased with Ben's trial by fire analogy. His age didn't detract from his razor-sharp intelligence or his cunning. Ben was born to survive and every true survivor knew that their odds were best from the top of the pile looking down. Age didn't affect ambition and every experience only nurtured determination; for all his minimal years, Ben was very, very experienced at life.

[Trillian]

Ben gazed at Kerr in wonder, his words echoing the sentiments Ben felt deep within but had not felt secure enough to say. Kerr spoke to the heart of the matter. There was no point being diplomatic around him; Ben could just be real. This was a side of Kerr he'd never properly explored. A side of his sire that Charon would never have been able to reach. It was like finding another facet that Ben could admire and fall in love with.

"I didn't say that, no, but I wish I had," Ben said. "Even if I'd thought it, I would've held back. I'm trying to win votes now." He grinned at Kerr and moved forward to capture his lips into a kiss. They hadn't been intimate since Lazarus' attack on Ben, but he was feeling pretty good about himself and Kerr right now. Maybe tonight was the time.

[Existentially Odd]

"Sooooo diplomatic," Kerr teased, also grinning as he spoke against Ben's mouth. He expected the kiss to be brief so he almost broke it but then Ben's lips stayed connected to his.

With a sense of pleasant surprise rippling through him, Kerr pushed forward again, deepening the kiss. He closed his eyes, savouring the sensation of Ben's face against his, the silken feel of his tongue and lips as he drew each into his mouth, sucking, tasting, enjoying. His body tingled, his erection grew and he hungered for more.

Kerr shifted his hips, moving his lower half slightly away from Ben. He didn't want to put any undue pressure on his lover and he was enjoying the kiss; he wanted it to continue. They'd been close like this before, warming towards one another, becoming comfortable with the burgeoning intimacy but something had always triggered Ben's panic. Kerr didn't blame him - the thought of Lazarus forcing himself into his body turned him cold instantly, too, and Kerr was only using his imagination - but he'd do everything he could to delay the intrusion of that horror.

He hated that it came between them. He hated that Lazarus kept interfering with Ben's life, even though he was gone. He hated that it was beyond their control.

Kerr knew they'd overcome it eventually and though he was becoming increasingly sexually frustrated, he'd survive. Ben's mental health was more important - though their relationship was a very close second. Intimacy between them mattered, it kept them connected, nurtured their love, relieved stress and provided sanctuary. Without it, they were just... best friends having a good time together. There was love and companionship in it but that indefinable spark that was the passion borne of being in love and expressed through physical connection... that was what Kerr longed for as he ran his hands over Ben's skin, moulded his mouth to his and quivered with need beside him.

[Trillian]

The kiss was wonderful and lingering. Ben's eyes were closed so he could properly enjoy it; the smell, taste and feel of his sire, his partner, his love. His hands slid up Kerr's chest, along his shoulder, down his arm and then to his sides, to his hip and staying there. Their contact lacked Kerr's usual gusto and he wondered at it, his mind worrying over the fact Kerr was treating him differently. The passion in the kiss subsided and he broke it off, looking down between them, at the space between their bodies.

He felt ashamed. He felt useless. He wanted to push through his discomfort and just go for it, get it over and done with. At the same time, he wanted it to be meaningful and have purpose. He didn't just want to fuck, he wanted to make love... but the similarities between the two stopped him. And then there was the whole thing about being treated differently.

Kerr didn't want to touch him like he'd used to. Oh, his heart knew why - that Kerr was giving him time and space, offering a respectful distance, being there and desiring him as always, waiting for Ben to finally come back to him. His heart only knew love. But his head fretted, explaining to him that under the guise of time and space there was disgust and repulsion, that Ben had finally crossed the line from being an abused survivor to willing victim, that Kerr was surely questioning why Ben always ended up in these situations, if he was he psychologically 'asking for it'? Because Lazarus had pointed out a place of doubt, that Ben hadn't fought back, hadn't expressed an absolute no, was following the same pattern as always... that Ben was damaged, and that Kerr was finally tentative about wanting to claim him for himself.

It had become a real fear; an insidious thread of anxiety that he knew wasn't founded in truth but it existed all the same.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, hating himself.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was startled by those two awful words. It triggered an avalanche of emotion in him, for they sounded so subservient, so broken. They reeked of Themba and Ben's loss in an abyss of abuse so vast up had become down and black had been bleached white. Ben deserved so much better. Especially tonight. They were celebrating, goddamnit, celebrating Ben's bold political manoeuvres and business successes! He was so much more than a victim; he didn't need to apologise, especially to someone who adored him.

"Why?" Kerr marvelled gently. "What do you have to be sorry for?" He cupped Ben's face, not forcing him to look up if he didn't want to but, through his touch, he wished to communicate a challenge to the notion that Ben should apologise. He fucking shouldn't.

[Trillian]

Hands upon his face, cupping it and making him look up at the blonde Ancient who'd prowled into his room.

You make me want to do nasty things to you.

Ben recoiled from Kerr's hold, flinching back and then staring at him with wide and frightened eyes. His reactions were making everything worse. How could Kerr have known that Lazarus had come into his room and held him that way?

Because of the trial? Ben had made the gesture but who knew what it had meant. He’d told Kerr nothing about what had transpired in Jake’s apartment. He’d kept all the details to himself like a shadowy secret. The thought of sharing the graphic details with Kerr made him physically ill. And yet...

“He did that. Held my face in his hands. Told me he wanted to...” the sentence ended there and considering what they both knew, it was enough of an ending. Lazarus wanted to, and he did. “I’m sorry, I...” he stopped, not wanting to upset Kerr with more apologies.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's hand fisted regretfully and he pulled it away as Ben shied from him. "Fuck," he swore beneath his breath, feeling like he was falling from a great height, uncertain of where he'd land or how to stop himself.

Ben's explanation gave him a sail in the wind, a way to direct his descent, though it was an instinct rather than anything he knew for certain would work. Still, Ben was talking about it and maybe that helped. Who knew? He'd try anything to help.

Kerr grabbed Ben's elbows, lifting his arms and directing Ben's hands to either side of his face, pressing them firmly. "Like this?" he asked. "What else?" If there was hesitation or an extended silence, Kerr would continue in a whisper, encouraging his love to puncture the cyst of silence festering in him and release the toxin. "Why are you sorry, Ben? You didn't do anything wrong."

[Trillian]

Why was he apologising?

"Because I'm ruining it," he whispered. "Ruining us." He wanted to be strong, he really did. He wanted to 'get over it' and 'move on' and all those things that people said when something bad happened. 'Pull yourself together' and all that stuff. 'Don't let it get you down'. There were so many of those phrases around. There weren't any that said 'give yourself time and wallow'.

His hands on Kerr's face felt different to Kerr's on his. He kept them there, staring at his love, wanting to be better, to be cured. Lazarus was his disease to conquer.

What else had Lazarus done? What had come next?

Ben stroked his thumb over Kerr's lips. "He wanted me to take his fingers into my mouth, but I didn't." He shuffled closer, one hand going to the back of Kerr's neck while the other reached down, cupping Kerr's groin but not as hard as Lazarus had grabbed him. "Then he... picked me up and threw me on the bed."

His hands retreated and formed a ball near his throat before he shook his head. He didn't want to say any more. Didn't want to touch Kerr any more.

"Sss-" He clamped his lips on it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr flinched as Ben talked about Lazarus trying to shove fingers in his mouth. Filthy cunt. Kerr tried not to look too shocked when he was then grabbed but the implied molestation was clear. It left a sour taste in the back of Kerr's throat, which only clogged when Ben closed down. His heart clenched and tears welled in his eyes. He felt awful and sick and helpless to help. This all seemed like a stupid idea and he just wanted to hold Ben close until the poisonous discomfort went away.

Cautiously, he took Ben's hand, hoping to bring it to his lips but prepared for it to be pulled away. If it was, his tears would spill on his own fist pressed to his mouth instead.

"I'm sorry," he choked out. "I didn't... I just... I don't mean to make it worse. He doesn't deserve space between us. And you aren't ruining us. Nothing will ruin us because I love you. No matter what. I loved you when I met you, I loved you when you forgot me, I loved you when you left me and I loved you every time you came back. We... are... eternal," he said fiercely, his teeth gritted as he looked into Ben's eyes, "and this can't change it. I'll wait forever for you. I'll hunger for your touch, I'll dream of you being inside me, holding me, kissing me, making me cum so hard I can't walk straight," he found a ghostly smile, "until you can make my dreams a reality. And if you never can, I'll still be here, by your side. Just... hornier," he shrugged.

The grin was more genuine this time and he tilted his head and leant forward to look up at Ben through his lashes, his fist held against his cheek. His tears had dried, which felt appropriate. His impassioned speech had carried him away from the distaste of thinking about Lazarus' brutality, through a journey of loyalty and love and out the other side to calm, if not true happiness. His happiness was Ben, in every form.

[Trillian]

Ben watched his hand move to Kerr's lips and allowed it to stay there. He listened to Kerr's declaration of love so exquisite that it stung his heart and stayed there. A beautiful thorn. Ben's expression was one of sorrow and love - that Kerr had to go through this as well.

"It is hard to talk about it," Ben admitted. "And I don't like thinking of and remembering Lazarus' touch when you touch me. Themba tore down my inhibitions and they never really came back, but you gave me a sense of worth to go with it. And Lazarus has torn down my..." he sighed, hunting his mind for the right word, "desire, I suppose. Not all of it... I mean, I want you. I really do. I want to do all those things with you. But... my body just reacts and I... I feel myself flinch away from you and I hate it. I hate that I do that."

[Existentially Odd]

"I'm getting better at not taking it personally," Kerr smiled, shrugging again as he lowered Ben's hand to the bed between them. He frowned at it, trying to think of a path out of this forest of confusion. He might be devoted to letting Ben heal but that didn't necessarily help Ben, if he was hating his own actions.

"Is it the same if you touch me? Do you feel okay initiating or does that make your skin crawl, too?" he enquired, genuinely curious. He wondered if Ben might benefit from talking to someone more qualified to help him, like that weird doctor from the trial - that'd be Kerr's last choice, though. He'd keep asking questions until he ran out of ideas.

[Trillian]

Ben thought about it. He'd initiated holds and touches a few times already, but not anything sexually intimate. He wriggled over on the bed, closing the distance between him and Kerr, raising his arm so he could envelop Kerr into a hug. He hadn't missed that Kerr would keep his lower body away, but Ben wanted the contact enough to hook his leg around Kerr's and pull him close.

Together. They were moulded together and there was nothing wrong with it. It felt a bit artificial, but that was the worst of it and it was nothing he minded. Being so close, it was easy to start kissing.

So he kissed; gently, searchingly, his eyes closed.