Promises Of Eternity

[pinkroses]

Murphy had slept terribly that day – he wasn’t made for a night shift, unlike most of the people he was currently spending his time with. Fortunately a lot of his job allowed him to sleep for most of the day, but his body clock wasn’t quite adjusted. Also, he’d woken up several times worrying about the conversation he and Ben would be having tonight. Was it a follow up on the discussion on siring, actually putting something in place now the Academy was done? Or was it going to be Ben letting him down with a thud because he was now running and Kerr was back.

After the opening of the Academy the night before Murphy had gone back to the White Rabbit with Jake and despite the initial discussion about Ben’s announcement, it had been a very good night. Murphy had needed to crash a couple of hours before Jake and had woken up before him as well, when the sun was still in the sky.

Murphy had showered, then left the White Rabbit, giving Jake a kiss as he slept and leaving him a note. Jake knew he had plans to see Ben tonight, but he didn’t want to disappear without leaving anything.

Enjoying the last bit of the day’s sunshine, Murphy had strolled around until he found a diner and he chowed down on a burger and fries to fill the time (and his rumbling belly) before he was due at Ben’s.

Before too long Murphy was back at a building he hadn’t set foot in for months. It seemed weird that Ben had moved back in here, but it made more sense now that Ben had revealed his plans. He ran a hand through his hair, silently wishing that Kerr wouldn’t be in, butterflies flittering around his stomach.

He walked across the foyer, hesitating for a moment before moving towards a smartly dressed man behind the front counter.

"I'm here to see Ben Samson, he's expecting me," he said with a smile, fiddling with the cuff of one of sleeves as he spoke.

[Trillian]

Ben was already on his way down the elevators when the staff alerted him to Murphy's presence. He'd dawdled in the penthouse getting ready, feeling familiar nerves in his stomach. The conversation was a big one, and he'd put it off for months while the Academy was being built. He'd intended on organising a special night for his friend while they discussed it, almost aka a proposal. It was going to be a lot more long-term than a modern marriage, that was for sure. But things had changed and they hadn't talked about the changes; Kerr not being dead was a huge one, and Murphy starting up a romance with Jake was another.

When he stepped out of the lifts, he saw Murphy straight away and his worries thankfully didn't compound. This was Murphy, his good friend, his best and only apart from his romantic and blood connections. Together they'd swapped books, seen movies, hung out talking about stupid stuff. Then Murphy had picked up a few jobs here and there and Ben had started isolating himself - gravitating to Charon more and more to get his fix of fake-Kerr.

And now here they were, still friends. There were a few people milling in the foyer, mostly hanging around the coffee shop in the corner. Ben wanted something more private, and he also wanted to show off the latest finishing touch to the building.

"Hey, it's good to see you," he said, thinking finally and pretty sure Murphy was on the same wavelength. Regardless of the deep and meaningful conversation they were going to have tonight, it was always good to see Murphy. "I'm showing you the twenty-first floor. Private tour." He winked and took Murphy's hand, leading him to the private elevator around the side. He didn't want them stopping and starting, picking up other people.

[pinkroses]

Murphy felt his shoulders relax as he heard Ben’s voice and he turned to him with a grin. Maybe things wouldn’t go the way they had planned all those months ago, but they were solid together and even whether Ben was still prepared to sire him or not, they’d still be friends. Although it would hurt, being told no after so long.

“You too,” he said, letting Ben start to lead him away. “Sounds intriguing, of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less than a private tour from you,” he said with a chuckle, although he was a little surprised when Ben’s route took them to a private elevator.

He leant back against a wall of the elevator once they were in, squeezing Ben’s hand gently. He didn’t know whether to feel nervous or excited and it was confusing. He decided he should go towards excited, Ben looked pretty pleased with himself, not shifty like he had bad news to impart.

“What’s Kerr up to tonight?” he asked, sticking to easy elevator chat whilst they ascended.

[Trillian]

Ben answered Murphy's hand squeeze with a smile. "Tonight Kerr's calling up all the old Oligarchy donors. They liked him a lot better than me, so he's more likely to get them on staff. Comes with a cushy package, too, but it's an intimate thing they're doing... being available to be fed from." He remembered what he'd been like; the opposite of Murphy who found his zen.

The elevator arrived at their destination and they arrived at Luminescent in all its glory. Ben had always felt that stepping out of the lift should give the best first impression. There was a modest check-in counter because there was no cover charge and the reception desk in the foyer had a massive cloakroom and storage area.

The ceilling lights were sparkling, twinkling in an echo of the city lights themselves seen through the floor to ceiling plate glass windows to take advantage of the view. The music was already playing something upbeat - it sounded a bit retro. Kerr had probably switched it to an all-80s playlist. Ben walked Murphy through the room, pointing at the bar, the lounges, the dancefloor... until they arrived at the windows.

"It's a place to sit and talk and make connections. No funny business," he said. Everything was open, there was nowhere for people to go. He gave Murphy side-eye and added; "A bit like us."

[pinkroses]

“Wow, I didn’t know you were starting all that up again. It’s a good idea, a lot safer for people who got hooked on it, and for vampires so they’re not out “hunting” the streets,” Murphy said. There were plenty of bars where donors and vampires could find each other, but with that there was no guarantee of safety if you went off with someone. Personally he’d not had many bad experiences with vampires, but he’d heard plenty of stories – and knew about people like Lazarus.

“Wow,” he repeated with an exhale as the doors opened at Luminescent. It looked amazing and Murphy said so, commenting on the different areas Ben showed him, asking questions about the different sights and facilities. He could hardly believe Ben and Kerr had been putting all this together in the short time Kerr had been back; Ben had used to tell him everything and then had slowly faded away, now it felt a bit like he was disappearing now he had Kerr again.

As they approached the windows Murphy felt an urge to press his hands against the glass to get the best view he could, so he shoved his hands in his pockets to try to resist as he stepped close. With the darkness outside and the twinkling lights, it felt like it should be cold, but the temperature was nice and he imagined it would get much warmer when it was full of breathing bodies.

The city looked beautiful, and Murphy felt a thrill of excitement as he wondered what it would be like to see it with vampire eyes. Every little detail, every movement, all so clearly.

“No funny business,” Murphy agreed, tearing his eyes away from the view to look towards Ben, although he wasn’t sure whether that comment was supposed to be some sort of dig.

“Let’s sit then,” he added, gesturing towards one of the couches and taking a seat at one end, his back facing the arm of it and one knee pulled up on the cushions, his foot dangling off (couldn’t be putting shoes on the furniture in a place like this!).

“We haven’t really had a proper catch up since Kerr came back. How has it been? Is everything… back to how it was?” He didn't really want to keep bringing up Kerr, whom he new didn't like him all too much, but Ben's sire was a big part of his life, the main part. If Kerr didn't approve of their plans then it probably wouldn't happen.

[Trillian]

"There were teething problems," Ben said, mirroring Murphy exactly. There was a little space between them but nobody was around to interrupt them or sit in the middle. Donors could be bold - he remembered that much. "Um, I couldn't wrap my head around Kerr coming back and there was this weird... displacement of reality and fantasy."

He realised suddenly that he hadn't told Murphy about his setup with Charon. He'd been too ashamed.

"Um, I didn't tell you, and this is something that I don't want spread around, but... um, that really powerful vampire, Charon? I went to him a few times after Kerr died and got him to relive the memories inside my head, so they felt real. It... it kind of transformed after that. He agreed to come over to... to the beach house and pretend to be Kerr. He can do that, you know, he can make me see him as whatever he wants. I... I lost myself in that for a while. I kind of... that's why you and I stopped hanging out so much. I know I pulled away, I'm sorry. I was living my own virtual reality," he said with a soft laugh that was more deprecating than amused.

He should've told Murphy while it was happening - but he didn't want his friend to be appalled at him, or to tell him to stop.

[pinkroses]

Muphry listened quietly, his confusion obvious as Ben began. He raised an eyebrow as Ben emphasised that this was something not to be spread around. It seemed unnecessary to say, but Murphy didn’t take offense, especially as Ben went on to explain.

“Oh, Ben,” Murphy breathed, reaching out to rest a hand on his friends knee in sympathy. “Charon shouldn’t have agreed to that. I can see how easy that would have been to get sucked into.” Ben wasn’t exactly being forthcoming in exactly what they had done, but Murphy could well imagine what benefit there would have been for Charon in the arrangement.

“I guess that must have been confusing, having Kerr show up when you’d been seeing someone so much like him. I guess you could feel the different in your blood bond?” he asked with interest.

“I, uh, I had an interesting conversation with Charon a little while ago,” he said, glancing down as his cheeks coloured slightly. He hadn’t intended on bringing up siring so early in the conversation, but since Charon had come up…

“He said that if I had been more pro-active in seeking a sire I could have potentially been a part of their family.” He raised his eyes with a smile at Ben. “I told him it’s not just about becoming a vampire with any sire. He seems to have a very mercenary attitude towards it at times.”

[Trillian]

Ben was glad he'd told Murphy about it. The reaction was what he'd hoped for; compassion, understanding. Now Murphy understood why he'd had trouble acclimatising to the real thing after being with fake-Kerr so long.

"It is different, yes," he said about the blood bond. They didn't have as strong a connection as with a pureblood fledge, like with Ichabod. He was envious of that.

Ben was intrigued by what Murphy was going to say, then when it came out, he stared at his friend, astonished. Envy about a blood bond? That envy had nothing on this. Sired into an ancient family? Sired by who? Did it even matter when they were all that close? Murphy would've had an entire family of Ancients teaching him! He would have been powerful, and had the most amazing induction into the life. And Ben knew how hard it was to be a Sacramentum member. And Murphy could have become one of them?

Ben knew how Charon operated. He either said things directly (when giving an order that couldn't be refused) or he gave a suggestion or a hint (when offering an opportunity). For him to tell Murphy about being sired...

"He's not mercenary. They're hardly mercenary with all the rules about siring that they have. It's an elite and very powerful family. I would've jumped at the chance to join them. When did he tell you that? " Ben asked, thinking it was ages ago and Murphy might have lost his opportunity thinking Ben was going to sire him. Oh crap. He was swamped by guilt.

[pinkroses]

Murphy was surprised by Ben’s reaction to hearing about this - he’d expected some surprise, but it sounded like Ben would have encouraged it. The butterflies in his stomach returned. Was it because Ben was going to tell him he wouldn’t sire him?

“I don’t care about being powerful or part of the elite,” Murphy said with a frown. “It was the night after the trial, and from the way he spoke it was a chance I’d already missed. It never occurred to me they’d want me. I know about all their rules, their history, it would have seemed like an impossible task if I’d thought about it earlier.”

He had no intention of just joining any family to become immortal or powerful. Yes, he and Charon had discussed the potential of Jake, and he and Jake had talked about it too, but it was too early in that relationship to really think about it. Bonding yourself to someone by blood forever, it wasn’t about power. If it was he wouldn’t have asked Ben who was still so young himself.

“Anyway, it was never an option I considered and isn’t one I regret missing. I like them, but being part of something like that? It would have been so much!” he said with a chuckle, gesturing with his hands to emphasise the magnitude of their family, their rules. Similar to Jake and his clan.

[Trillian]

Ben tilted his head, trying to combine his idea of what Murphy would have wanted for himself and what Murphy actually wanted for himself. His reasoning made no sense to Ben. When he'd gone out to get himself sired, literally anyone would've done. He would've put up with anything in the early stages - even if his sire had been an asshole - until he could fend for himself. Kerr had been an extremely lucky find. Extremely. Goodness knows what would've happened if he'd found Jake McCloud at Risk instead. Ugh. He'd be knee deep in the White Rabbit by now.

It made him realise something else, thinking of his... nemesis? Was Jake his nemesis? He didn't think Jake was big enough of a deal for that.

"It would've been so much?" Ben repeated, confused. "The first year is the hardest. You need someone with you all the time, getting food for you like a baby bird. Having a large family available would've made it easier. You're going to be overwhelmed anyway. And what about Jake? Getting him to sire you would be the same. An organisation, or a biker bar (or whatever the fuck he is) raising you into vampirism. And with me," he said softly, adding in a sideways comment not really meant for Murphy. "I'm only just on top of stuff myself. I need a lot of training and looking after still. Why do you think I wanted to wait for the Academy to be built before we could talk about me siring you? I needed something like that in place before we went through with it. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own."

He wondered if Murphy would ask why he'd brought Jake up.

[pinkroses]

“I’m not talking about the first year, it’s the next ten, fifty, a hundred, and they’re not even an option now so why are you still talking about it?” Murphy snapped in a tone Ben wouldn’t have heard from him previously, but not raising his voice.

He’d prepared himself, knowing that with Ben running for election he probably wouldn’t have time now, but hearing his friend starting to make these excuses hurt more than he’d anticipated.

“You were waiting until the Academy was up, now you’re running for District Leader, so you won’t have time to look after a fledgling then, even now you’re not on your own. There’s always going to be a reason not to.”

Murphy ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head slightly. “And you mentioned Jake - I barely know him, you hate him, you’re trying to take his position, and you... you... why did you even tell him we’d talked about you siring me if you’re now telling me ‘no’?”

Maybe Ben hadn’t actually said ‘no’ yet, but it definitely felt like it was going that way. Murphy had known it was something they couldn’t rush into, but it had always felt like there was an end point in sight. There wasn’t anyone else he’d seriously considered having and unlike Ben he didn’t want to be a vampire enough to choose just anyone. Maybe Jake one day, but they’d only been on a couple of dates, who knew how long it would last?

[Trillian]

Ben blinked his surprise at Murphy's snap and knew that the conversation had already gone badly. He should've stuck to his plan, to talk about the things he'd meant to beforehand. Now Murphy had guessed the truth and Ben had said nothing good.

And the worst part about all this was that he wanted to. He still wanted to sire Murphy. They were close friends. They'd never argued. Murphy was an amazing sounding board for him. He had a calming effect. Ben liked who he was when Murphy was around. Yes, it would be complicated at the start, but this was a decision that would affect eternity. Eternity.

He stared at Murphy, who'd cut to the core of the matter. This was a decision for eternity. He was serious about finding someone to sire him - Ben knew this. Did he really want Murphy going somewhere else, to someone else? What if he really did go to Jake? What would it feel like, seeing Murphy and Jake together? What would it feel like, pushing Murphy away yet again?

"It's not no, not yet," Ben said, without realising he was going to. He'd decided to bring Murphy here to let him down, but it didn't feel right. He couldn't do it. But it was so complicated - and it wasn't the campaign so much as the bonds Murphy was going to share.

Kerr. Ichabod.

"It might not happen," Ben said, reaching out a hand but they were too far away so he dropped it, "because this decision affects more than just you and me. I'm going to call Kerr here to talk about it. You good with that?"

Ben didn't pull out his phone - he was going to summon his sire telepathically.

[pinkroses]

Murphy blinked in surprise as Ben ignored his question about Jake and instead protested that he hadn’t made up his mind. His gaze dropped to watch Ben’s hand as his friend reached out across the gap between them, and despite Ben’s words Murphy wanted to reach out to bridge that gap. He couldn’t though, not at that moment and before he could think about it longer the opportunity was gone.

“What?” Murphy said, his hazel eyes widening as Ben said he was going to call Kerr here. Of course it affected more than just them, they already discussed about Ichabod and Murphy would have been fine with that, but he’d assumed Kerr was one of the main sounding boards for Ben and one fo the reasons why he was refusing.

“You haven’t even spoken to Kerr about all this?” How serious about all of this could Ben have been if he hadn’t even spoken to his sire about it? Had he just decided it would be easier not to go ahead with it than to try to talk to Kerr about it? Had Ben actually planned on talking about this tonight or not?

“Had you not thought we would talk about this tonight?” he asked with a frown, wondering how he’d managed to get this so wrong.

[Trillian]

His about-face had got him into trouble. He didn't want Murphy to know that he'd invited him here to let him down, but his friend wasn't stupid. He'd guessed, hadn't he? Ben hadn't thought his question about Jake was one that expected an answer so much as a dig - but that was Ben's way, prompting with a knife-blade of carefully worded questions. If he'd thought about it, he would've realised that the question was genuine. Because Murphy was. A lot more genuine than he was.

His friend deserved the truth. All of it. Even if it was ugly. And it was ugly as sin.

"Yes, I've talked to Kerr about this," he said. "Right in the middle of us still figuring one another out, when it was hard and painful and still up in the air. I'd withheld it from him intiially because I wanted to know if he and I were good. If we weren't, then it wouldn't matter what he thought about you and me and we could continue as planned."

He cleared his throat, only because of the discomfort of his words, and pressed on. "But we came good and so Kerr is a huge part of my life again, and it affects him too. So, yes, we talked about it, and I invited you up here to tell you... tell you, um... that it was going to be too complicated, to sire you. But now that I'm here with you, I realised that I don't want to say no to you. When you guessed what was happening, it felt... wrong. So Kerr thinks that I'm... breaking my promise to you."

He pulled his lips in, finished with speaking, hoping that Murphy wouldn't be upset (but of course he would be, and had every right to be.

[pinkroses]

Murphy felt a swell of guilt as Ben explained his reasoning and the discussions he’d had with his sire. He’d been with Ben during the loss of Kerr and all the time since then. He knew how hard it had been, but hadn’t really been able to be there for Kerr’s return, for Ben working through that, as Ben hadn’t reached out. It was hard sometimes dealing with Ben shutting down, shutting people out, but Murphy wanted to do what he could for his friend.

He felt a lump rising in his throat and tears pricking behind his eyes but tried to hold them back.

“Kerr’s your everything. And you’ve just got him back. I don’t want to be the reason for issues between you, and this wouldn’t be a quick thing, it would always be there. I would always be there.”

The Sacramentum would have been complicated with all the rules, but they were solid. Ben and Kerr had been though so much and struggled to make it through. Putting something in that mix which could cause so much conflict would be stupid. Selfish.

“Maybe we should just... leave it. I can’t get between you,” he said, his voice shaking as he spoke and he hated himself for giving up like this.