Promises Of Eternity

[pinkroses]

Murphy had slept terribly that day – he wasn’t made for a night shift, unlike most of the people he was currently spending his time with. Fortunately a lot of his job allowed him to sleep for most of the day, but his body clock wasn’t quite adjusted. Also, he’d woken up several times worrying about the conversation he and Ben would be having tonight. Was it a follow up on the discussion on siring, actually putting something in place now the Academy was done? Or was it going to be Ben letting him down with a thud because he was now running and Kerr was back.

After the opening of the Academy the night before Murphy had gone back to the White Rabbit with Jake and despite the initial discussion about Ben’s announcement, it had been a very good night. Murphy had needed to crash a couple of hours before Jake and had woken up before him as well, when the sun was still in the sky.

Murphy had showered, then left the White Rabbit, giving Jake a kiss as he slept and leaving him a note. Jake knew he had plans to see Ben tonight, but he didn’t want to disappear without leaving anything.

Enjoying the last bit of the day’s sunshine, Murphy had strolled around until he found a diner and he chowed down on a burger and fries to fill the time (and his rumbling belly) before he was due at Ben’s.

Before too long Murphy was back at a building he hadn’t set foot in for months. It seemed weird that Ben had moved back in here, but it made more sense now that Ben had revealed his plans. He ran a hand through his hair, silently wishing that Kerr wouldn’t be in, butterflies flittering around his stomach.

He walked across the foyer, hesitating for a moment before moving towards a smartly dressed man behind the front counter.

"I'm here to see Ben Samson, he's expecting me," he said with a smile, fiddling with the cuff of one of sleeves as he spoke.

[Trillian]

Ben was already on his way down the elevators when the staff alerted him to Murphy's presence. He'd dawdled in the penthouse getting ready, feeling familiar nerves in his stomach. The conversation was a big one, and he'd put it off for months while the Academy was being built. He'd intended on organising a special night for his friend while they discussed it, almost aka a proposal. It was going to be a lot more long-term than a modern marriage, that was for sure. But things had changed and they hadn't talked about the changes; Kerr not being dead was a huge one, and Murphy starting up a romance with Jake was another.

When he stepped out of the lifts, he saw Murphy straight away and his worries thankfully didn't compound. This was Murphy, his good friend, his best and only apart from his romantic and blood connections. Together they'd swapped books, seen movies, hung out talking about stupid stuff. Then Murphy had picked up a few jobs here and there and Ben had started isolating himself - gravitating to Charon more and more to get his fix of fake-Kerr.

And now here they were, still friends. There were a few people milling in the foyer, mostly hanging around the coffee shop in the corner. Ben wanted something more private, and he also wanted to show off the latest finishing touch to the building.

"Hey, it's good to see you," he said, thinking finally and pretty sure Murphy was on the same wavelength. Regardless of the deep and meaningful conversation they were going to have tonight, it was always good to see Murphy. "I'm showing you the twenty-first floor. Private tour." He winked and took Murphy's hand, leading him to the private elevator around the side. He didn't want them stopping and starting, picking up other people.

[pinkroses]

Murphy felt his shoulders relax as he heard Ben’s voice and he turned to him with a grin. Maybe things wouldn’t go the way they had planned all those months ago, but they were solid together and even whether Ben was still prepared to sire him or not, they’d still be friends. Although it would hurt, being told no after so long.

“You too,” he said, letting Ben start to lead him away. “Sounds intriguing, of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less than a private tour from you,” he said with a chuckle, although he was a little surprised when Ben’s route took them to a private elevator.

He leant back against a wall of the elevator once they were in, squeezing Ben’s hand gently. He didn’t know whether to feel nervous or excited and it was confusing. He decided he should go towards excited, Ben looked pretty pleased with himself, not shifty like he had bad news to impart.

“What’s Kerr up to tonight?” he asked, sticking to easy elevator chat whilst they ascended.

[Trillian]

Ben answered Murphy's hand squeeze with a smile. "Tonight Kerr's calling up all the old Oligarchy donors. They liked him a lot better than me, so he's more likely to get them on staff. Comes with a cushy package, too, but it's an intimate thing they're doing... being available to be fed from." He remembered what he'd been like; the opposite of Murphy who found his zen.

The elevator arrived at their destination and they arrived at Luminescent in all its glory. Ben had always felt that stepping out of the lift should give the best first impression. There was a modest check-in counter because there was no cover charge and the reception desk in the foyer had a massive cloakroom and storage area.

The ceilling lights were sparkling, twinkling in an echo of the city lights themselves seen through the floor to ceiling plate glass windows to take advantage of the view. The music was already playing something upbeat - it sounded a bit retro. Kerr had probably switched it to an all-80s playlist. Ben walked Murphy through the room, pointing at the bar, the lounges, the dancefloor... until they arrived at the windows.

"It's a place to sit and talk and make connections. No funny business," he said. Everything was open, there was nowhere for people to go. He gave Murphy side-eye and added; "A bit like us."

[pinkroses]

“Wow, I didn’t know you were starting all that up again. It’s a good idea, a lot safer for people who got hooked on it, and for vampires so they’re not out “hunting” the streets,” Murphy said. There were plenty of bars where donors and vampires could find each other, but with that there was no guarantee of safety if you went off with someone. Personally he’d not had many bad experiences with vampires, but he’d heard plenty of stories – and knew about people like Lazarus.

“Wow,” he repeated with an exhale as the doors opened at Luminescent. It looked amazing and Murphy said so, commenting on the different areas Ben showed him, asking questions about the different sights and facilities. He could hardly believe Ben and Kerr had been putting all this together in the short time Kerr had been back; Ben had used to tell him everything and then had slowly faded away, now it felt a bit like he was disappearing now he had Kerr again.

As they approached the windows Murphy felt an urge to press his hands against the glass to get the best view he could, so he shoved his hands in his pockets to try to resist as he stepped close. With the darkness outside and the twinkling lights, it felt like it should be cold, but the temperature was nice and he imagined it would get much warmer when it was full of breathing bodies.

The city looked beautiful, and Murphy felt a thrill of excitement as he wondered what it would be like to see it with vampire eyes. Every little detail, every movement, all so clearly.

“No funny business,” Murphy agreed, tearing his eyes away from the view to look towards Ben, although he wasn’t sure whether that comment was supposed to be some sort of dig.

“Let’s sit then,” he added, gesturing towards one of the couches and taking a seat at one end, his back facing the arm of it and one knee pulled up on the cushions, his foot dangling off (couldn’t be putting shoes on the furniture in a place like this!).

“We haven’t really had a proper catch up since Kerr came back. How has it been? Is everything… back to how it was?” He didn't really want to keep bringing up Kerr, whom he new didn't like him all too much, but Ben's sire was a big part of his life, the main part. If Kerr didn't approve of their plans then it probably wouldn't happen.

[Trillian]

"There were teething problems," Ben said, mirroring Murphy exactly. There was a little space between them but nobody was around to interrupt them or sit in the middle. Donors could be bold - he remembered that much. "Um, I couldn't wrap my head around Kerr coming back and there was this weird... displacement of reality and fantasy."

He realised suddenly that he hadn't told Murphy about his setup with Charon. He'd been too ashamed.

"Um, I didn't tell you, and this is something that I don't want spread around, but... um, that really powerful vampire, Charon? I went to him a few times after Kerr died and got him to relive the memories inside my head, so they felt real. It... it kind of transformed after that. He agreed to come over to... to the beach house and pretend to be Kerr. He can do that, you know, he can make me see him as whatever he wants. I... I lost myself in that for a while. I kind of... that's why you and I stopped hanging out so much. I know I pulled away, I'm sorry. I was living my own virtual reality," he said with a soft laugh that was more deprecating than amused.

He should've told Murphy while it was happening - but he didn't want his friend to be appalled at him, or to tell him to stop.

[pinkroses]

Muphry listened quietly, his confusion obvious as Ben began. He raised an eyebrow as Ben emphasised that this was something not to be spread around. It seemed unnecessary to say, but Murphy didn’t take offense, especially as Ben went on to explain.

“Oh, Ben,” Murphy breathed, reaching out to rest a hand on his friends knee in sympathy. “Charon shouldn’t have agreed to that. I can see how easy that would have been to get sucked into.” Ben wasn’t exactly being forthcoming in exactly what they had done, but Murphy could well imagine what benefit there would have been for Charon in the arrangement.

“I guess that must have been confusing, having Kerr show up when you’d been seeing someone so much like him. I guess you could feel the different in your blood bond?” he asked with interest.

“I, uh, I had an interesting conversation with Charon a little while ago,” he said, glancing down as his cheeks coloured slightly. He hadn’t intended on bringing up siring so early in the conversation, but since Charon had come up…

“He said that if I had been more pro-active in seeking a sire I could have potentially been a part of their family.” He raised his eyes with a smile at Ben. “I told him it’s not just about becoming a vampire with any sire. He seems to have a very mercenary attitude towards it at times.”

[Trillian]

Ben was glad he'd told Murphy about it. The reaction was what he'd hoped for; compassion, understanding. Now Murphy understood why he'd had trouble acclimatising to the real thing after being with fake-Kerr so long.

"It is different, yes," he said about the blood bond. They didn't have as strong a connection as with a pureblood fledge, like with Ichabod. He was envious of that.

Ben was intrigued by what Murphy was going to say, then when it came out, he stared at his friend, astonished. Envy about a blood bond? That envy had nothing on this. Sired into an ancient family? Sired by who? Did it even matter when they were all that close? Murphy would've had an entire family of Ancients teaching him! He would have been powerful, and had the most amazing induction into the life. And Ben knew how hard it was to be a Sacramentum member. And Murphy could have become one of them?

Ben knew how Charon operated. He either said things directly (when giving an order that couldn't be refused) or he gave a suggestion or a hint (when offering an opportunity). For him to tell Murphy about being sired...

"He's not mercenary. They're hardly mercenary with all the rules about siring that they have. It's an elite and very powerful family. I would've jumped at the chance to join them. When did he tell you that? " Ben asked, thinking it was ages ago and Murphy might have lost his opportunity thinking Ben was going to sire him. Oh crap. He was swamped by guilt.

[pinkroses]

Murphy was surprised by Ben’s reaction to hearing about this - he’d expected some surprise, but it sounded like Ben would have encouraged it. The butterflies in his stomach returned. Was it because Ben was going to tell him he wouldn’t sire him?

“I don’t care about being powerful or part of the elite,” Murphy said with a frown. “It was the night after the trial, and from the way he spoke it was a chance I’d already missed. It never occurred to me they’d want me. I know about all their rules, their history, it would have seemed like an impossible task if I’d thought about it earlier.”

He had no intention of just joining any family to become immortal or powerful. Yes, he and Charon had discussed the potential of Jake, and he and Jake had talked about it too, but it was too early in that relationship to really think about it. Bonding yourself to someone by blood forever, it wasn’t about power. If it was he wouldn’t have asked Ben who was still so young himself.

“Anyway, it was never an option I considered and isn’t one I regret missing. I like them, but being part of something like that? It would have been so much!” he said with a chuckle, gesturing with his hands to emphasise the magnitude of their family, their rules. Similar to Jake and his clan.

[Trillian]

Ben tilted his head, trying to combine his idea of what Murphy would have wanted for himself and what Murphy actually wanted for himself. His reasoning made no sense to Ben. When he'd gone out to get himself sired, literally anyone would've done. He would've put up with anything in the early stages - even if his sire had been an asshole - until he could fend for himself. Kerr had been an extremely lucky find. Extremely. Goodness knows what would've happened if he'd found Jake McCloud at Risk instead. Ugh. He'd be knee deep in the White Rabbit by now.

It made him realise something else, thinking of his... nemesis? Was Jake his nemesis? He didn't think Jake was big enough of a deal for that.

"It would've been so much?" Ben repeated, confused. "The first year is the hardest. You need someone with you all the time, getting food for you like a baby bird. Having a large family available would've made it easier. You're going to be overwhelmed anyway. And what about Jake? Getting him to sire you would be the same. An organisation, or a biker bar (or whatever the fuck he is) raising you into vampirism. And with me," he said softly, adding in a sideways comment not really meant for Murphy. "I'm only just on top of stuff myself. I need a lot of training and looking after still. Why do you think I wanted to wait for the Academy to be built before we could talk about me siring you? I needed something like that in place before we went through with it. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own."

He wondered if Murphy would ask why he'd brought Jake up.

[pinkroses]

“I’m not talking about the first year, it’s the next ten, fifty, a hundred, and they’re not even an option now so why are you still talking about it?” Murphy snapped in a tone Ben wouldn’t have heard from him previously, but not raising his voice.

He’d prepared himself, knowing that with Ben running for election he probably wouldn’t have time now, but hearing his friend starting to make these excuses hurt more than he’d anticipated.

“You were waiting until the Academy was up, now you’re running for District Leader, so you won’t have time to look after a fledgling then, even now you’re not on your own. There’s always going to be a reason not to.”

Murphy ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head slightly. “And you mentioned Jake - I barely know him, you hate him, you’re trying to take his position, and you... you... why did you even tell him we’d talked about you siring me if you’re now telling me ‘no’?”

Maybe Ben hadn’t actually said ‘no’ yet, but it definitely felt like it was going that way. Murphy had known it was something they couldn’t rush into, but it had always felt like there was an end point in sight. There wasn’t anyone else he’d seriously considered having and unlike Ben he didn’t want to be a vampire enough to choose just anyone. Maybe Jake one day, but they’d only been on a couple of dates, who knew how long it would last?

[Trillian]

Ben blinked his surprise at Murphy's snap and knew that the conversation had already gone badly. He should've stuck to his plan, to talk about the things he'd meant to beforehand. Now Murphy had guessed the truth and Ben had said nothing good.

And the worst part about all this was that he wanted to. He still wanted to sire Murphy. They were close friends. They'd never argued. Murphy was an amazing sounding board for him. He had a calming effect. Ben liked who he was when Murphy was around. Yes, it would be complicated at the start, but this was a decision that would affect eternity. Eternity.

He stared at Murphy, who'd cut to the core of the matter. This was a decision for eternity. He was serious about finding someone to sire him - Ben knew this. Did he really want Murphy going somewhere else, to someone else? What if he really did go to Jake? What would it feel like, seeing Murphy and Jake together? What would it feel like, pushing Murphy away yet again?

"It's not no, not yet," Ben said, without realising he was going to. He'd decided to bring Murphy here to let him down, but it didn't feel right. He couldn't do it. But it was so complicated - and it wasn't the campaign so much as the bonds Murphy was going to share.

Kerr. Ichabod.

"It might not happen," Ben said, reaching out a hand but they were too far away so he dropped it, "because this decision affects more than just you and me. I'm going to call Kerr here to talk about it. You good with that?"

Ben didn't pull out his phone - he was going to summon his sire telepathically.

[pinkroses]

Murphy blinked in surprise as Ben ignored his question about Jake and instead protested that he hadn’t made up his mind. His gaze dropped to watch Ben’s hand as his friend reached out across the gap between them, and despite Ben’s words Murphy wanted to reach out to bridge that gap. He couldn’t though, not at that moment and before he could think about it longer the opportunity was gone.

“What?” Murphy said, his hazel eyes widening as Ben said he was going to call Kerr here. Of course it affected more than just them, they already discussed about Ichabod and Murphy would have been fine with that, but he’d assumed Kerr was one of the main sounding boards for Ben and one fo the reasons why he was refusing.

“You haven’t even spoken to Kerr about all this?” How serious about all of this could Ben have been if he hadn’t even spoken to his sire about it? Had he just decided it would be easier not to go ahead with it than to try to talk to Kerr about it? Had Ben actually planned on talking about this tonight or not?

“Had you not thought we would talk about this tonight?” he asked with a frown, wondering how he’d managed to get this so wrong.

[Trillian]

His about-face had got him into trouble. He didn't want Murphy to know that he'd invited him here to let him down, but his friend wasn't stupid. He'd guessed, hadn't he? Ben hadn't thought his question about Jake was one that expected an answer so much as a dig - but that was Ben's way, prompting with a knife-blade of carefully worded questions. If he'd thought about it, he would've realised that the question was genuine. Because Murphy was. A lot more genuine than he was.

His friend deserved the truth. All of it. Even if it was ugly. And it was ugly as sin.

"Yes, I've talked to Kerr about this," he said. "Right in the middle of us still figuring one another out, when it was hard and painful and still up in the air. I'd withheld it from him intiially because I wanted to know if he and I were good. If we weren't, then it wouldn't matter what he thought about you and me and we could continue as planned."

He cleared his throat, only because of the discomfort of his words, and pressed on. "But we came good and so Kerr is a huge part of my life again, and it affects him too. So, yes, we talked about it, and I invited you up here to tell you... tell you, um... that it was going to be too complicated, to sire you. But now that I'm here with you, I realised that I don't want to say no to you. When you guessed what was happening, it felt... wrong. So Kerr thinks that I'm... breaking my promise to you."

He pulled his lips in, finished with speaking, hoping that Murphy wouldn't be upset (but of course he would be, and had every right to be.

[pinkroses]

Murphy felt a swell of guilt as Ben explained his reasoning and the discussions he’d had with his sire. He’d been with Ben during the loss of Kerr and all the time since then. He knew how hard it had been, but hadn’t really been able to be there for Kerr’s return, for Ben working through that, as Ben hadn’t reached out. It was hard sometimes dealing with Ben shutting down, shutting people out, but Murphy wanted to do what he could for his friend.

He felt a lump rising in his throat and tears pricking behind his eyes but tried to hold them back.

“Kerr’s your everything. And you’ve just got him back. I don’t want to be the reason for issues between you, and this wouldn’t be a quick thing, it would always be there. I would always be there.”

The Sacramentum would have been complicated with all the rules, but they were solid. Ben and Kerr had been though so much and struggled to make it through. Putting something in that mix which could cause so much conflict would be stupid. Selfish.

“Maybe we should just... leave it. I can’t get between you,” he said, his voice shaking as he spoke and he hated himself for giving up like this.

[Trillian]

Murphy's pain elevated his own misery. Ben stood and hastened to the corner of the couch where Murphy was, plopping down and awkwardly hugging him. He wanted to argue, he wanted to prove that he was a good friend, a best friend, and even though it wouldn't be easy, he would be the best sire. But Murphy was right (as usual). He couldn't even say things were good between him and Ichabod, because even though they were, he still felt that desire thrumming gently through the bloodline. Nothing was hidden, nothing was secret. Not between blood ties.

There would be resentment. Guilt. Sorrow. It would take them years to find a rhythm. And even though Murphy wasn't a romantic partner, there would still be a constant need for him that would be pushing at their connection. He buried his face in Murphy's neck and held him, unable to speak, thinking that this was an ending and still not wanting it to be.

"I want you to always be there," Ben whispered. "This is the worst. I love you. I'm causing you pain."

[pinkroses]

Murphy shut his eyes and pressed his cheek against Ben’s head as his friend held him close. Part of him wanted to offer comfort, but it was Ben going back on his word, not him. It wasn’t his fault though. Well, not completely.

“I know,” he choked out. “I love you too. If things were different... but I’ll still be there for you, and you for me.” Just not forever.

He’d get old, whilst Ben would stay as he was. And if in a few years Jake wanted to sire him, what would Ben say then? Maybe they’d have got over this feud?

He pulled back, brushing away a couple of tears which had escaped and sniffing loudly. If he and Ben were going to stay friends they needed to talk about other things that mattered to them, this couldn’t be how they left it.

“I don’t want Jake to just think I’m with him because he might sire me one day. We talked about that, but he might worry about it. How was it with you and Kerr?”

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t a huge change of topic and it wasn’t going to be one Ben was hugely in favour of probably, but he could contribute to that after what he’d just dropped on Murphy.

[Trillian]

When Murphy pulled back, Ben sat facing forward on the couch, his hands on his lap and feeling empty about how things had turned out. Murphy offered a lifeline and he twisted around on the seat, grabbing it and running with it.

"I threw myself at Kerr the first night we met. I'd had a plan to offer my blood, get a vampire smitten with me and then be sired. Pretty sure Kerr said the first night he would never sire anyone, but ... he answered all my questions so I pursued him. I think... no, I know, that I was really lucky that night. The first vampire I ever saw was Lazarus. He gestured for me to come to him but he already had a bunch of groupies with him so I ran away. If he'd been on his own I would've thrown myself at him, instead."

He'd never told anyone about Lazarus, actually. Perhaps that's where the obsession had begun - he'd denied Lazarus that night and then he'd been caught in the middle between a feud between Kerr and Lazarus himself. A prize. But when Lazarus had won Ben, it had cost Lazarus his leadership of the Oligarchy.

"Huh," he said. It was only now he realised how tangled the three of them were with leadership to the city. Ben had been told the story of how Kerr had come to this city in particular because of what Lazarus had done to it the first time he'd had control; allowing supernaturals to roam freely.

"When I had a carte-blanche letter of permission to be sired, I could've chosen Arles. But I couldn't let Kerr go. I went to Kerr and begged him to sire me but he still said no. So I begged him to co-sire me instead, so we could have some kind of connection. So we do have one, but it's not a full bond. I don't know what a full bond is like."

[pinkroses]

Murphy settled back against the arm of the sofa, reaching out to grasp Ben’s hands. He was relieved that his question had gone down well, with Ben opening up rather than shutting down or refusing to talk about a subject somewhat related to Jake.

“Shit, that would have been… thank fuck you didn’t go with Lazarus that night,” Murphy said with surprise. “I don’t exactly imagine him as the caring type, do you know if he’s had any fledglings before?” The only time he’d seen Lazarus in person was at the trial, but he’d heard some about him from Ben previously. Nothing especially appealing.

He gave Ben’s hand a gentle squeeze as he explained about Arles and Kerr. Murphy didn’t know what any kind of blood bond was like, so he didn’t feel he could comment, but hearing that tone in Ben’s voice… maybe that explained a bit more why he and Ichabod clashed so much, if there was jealousy over Ichabod’s bond with Kerr.

“I bet Kerr regrets not being your only sire now, after everything. When did you even see Arles last? Do you know where he is?”

[Trillian]

Ben's movie-memories readily supplied him the answer to what Murphy was asking. He'd been watching his time with Lazarus a little too much (recently), trying to desensitize himself from the blonde Ancient, from everything that had happened. He figured if he could numb that part of himself, he could move on with the relationship he had with Kerr.

Not that he was about to tell Murphy that he and Kerr hadn't been intimate since the rape. Sex was incredibly connected to his emotions - the first sign that something wasn't right. Either he was prudish or he was promiscuous. There was never a happy balance. Actually, there had been, for a little while before Kerr's death... that tiny window when he'd finally fallen in love and they were just in bliss. How many months had that been?

"He brags that he has over a hundred fledglings," Ben said of Lazarus, a faraway look in his eye. "I know Arles is alive, but he's very far away. Almost other side of the world far away. Like India, maybe. He was a very zen kind of guy. Imagine me with a spiritual, peaceful man," Ben said, and peeked at Murphy, sniggering.

[pinkroses]

Murphy watched Ben with interest as his friend got that look in his eyes, like he wasn’t quite all there as he was searching for his second sire. Lazarus having over a hundred fledglings was mind-blowing – how the Hell would he have had time to look after them all, to train them well enough to look after themselves? Ben had had two sires, those poor souls probably hardly even had one.

“I don’t imagine they’d last long that way with you around,” Murphy said with a chuckle, enjoying the sound of Ben’s laugh and instantly feeling a twinge of sadness that he wouldn’t be able to hear it as often as he’d planned. He could mull that over later though, Ben didn’t need to have his guilt topped up any more.

“I feel like I should get to know Kerr better. I mean, I know we’re not… doing this, but he is back and a big part of your life. I want him to like me, which he probably doesn’t much at the moment with knowing what all our plans were and stuff. Not tonight, but another time,” Murphy said, adding the last part quickly in case Ben started to call his sire. He couldn’t cope with that right now, seeing the main reason why he wasn’t going to get what he’d been planning for over the past couple of years, potentially having to talk about it.

“You need to tell me about this business of you running as well. What brought that on?” he asked, pushing out another question as a distraction to himself from where his thoughts were lingering.

[Trillian]

Ben's eyebrows raised at Murphy getting to know Kerr a little better. He would like that, and he thought Kerr might be amenable to it since he knew that there would be no siring (after all), but then Murphy rushed that he didn't want to meet tonight but later... and it sounded like nerves. He trusted his friend not to pay lip service. Though he had no idea when the two of them would be able to set anything up.

When Murphy questioned his motivation, Ben explained how the idea had come to him when Kerr had called him a natural leader for setting up the Academy and looking after the supernaturals in the city. He told his friend how the idea had nestled in his mind and then naturally grown to a strong desire. He said how he'd been considering claiming the West, but that Jake had staked it for himself. Then he'd turned his eye north, which had made sense to him with him touching boundaries with the Sacrament... but then Saraekiel had let it be known that he would want that. Towards the end of his chat with Murphy about it, he started feeling vaguely like he was being interviewed instead of just chatting with a friend, and suddenly it started to feel difficult to chat so naturally and he clammed up.

"I'm talked out," he said, but didn't say why. "I've caught you up, though." He smiled and then collapsed back onto the sofa, like he'd exerted himself physically. It felt very much that way. "What about you? I saw your article about the trial,"

but didn't have the inner strength to read it yet

"so are you still freelance? And how's... how's things with Jake?" he made himself ask. Maybe if he thought of Jake as 'Murphy's Jake' he could disassociate himself and almost think of them as two people. "Are you...

fucking him? no
intimate? no
serious? no
still dating? no

"...seeing him later tonight?"

[pinkroses]

Murphy listened quietly, asking questions every now and again, but letting Ben lead the discussion as he answered the question fully. It sounded like Ben had been mulling this over for a while and considering different options, which was a relief that it wasn’t just about taking over from Jake.

He felt Ben’s words becoming a little more stilted towards the end of his explanation, so didn’t push him for more as Ben flopped backwards.

“That’s a lot to catch up on all at once,” Murphy said with a smile, resting his head sideways against the back of the sofa.

“Yeah, but I’m pretty much guaranteed regular spots, I just get to pick and choose, which is nice. The trial one was… hard. I haven’t had to write about people I know before. I didn’t enjoy it,” he said with a frown. He wanted to ask Ben’s opinion on it, but since Ben hadn’t offered one, maybe it was best not to. He wanted to mention how much attention it was getting online as well, but he realised that since part of it was about Ben, it might make his friend paranoid to think about people online talking about it, even though most were about Lazarus.

“Things with Jake are still really new, but I do like him, a lot. Which I guess you won’t really understand,” Murphy said with a small chuckle. It was weird how two people who meant so mmuch to Murphy clashed with each other so badly.

“I was going to see him later, but I don’t know when – I didn’t know how long we’d be tonight,” Murphy said with a small shrug. Jake had also mentioned some sort of meeting with his key people tonight which Murphy didn’t think he was invited so to he guessed Jake would be busy for a while. He didn’t really want to mention that to Ben when it was about the counter-campaign to Ben’s.

“I should probably get some more sleep too, this past couple of weeks my sleep pattern has been so messed up, with the trial, seeing Jake, the Academy last night, my body’s got no idea when it should be awake or asleep,” he added, running a hand over his face to try to stave off tiredness.

[Trillian]

Ben chuckled lightly, though it was without humour because there was too much guilt in it. Yes, they had a lot to catch up on. Most of that was his fault.

He nodded about the trial article. Of course it would've been hard keeping himself distanced from it. Ben barely remembered how it had gone, it was all a blur, much like speaking to Lisa-Joe at the White Rabbit had been. He recalled dangling Lazarus' history of rape in front of the

spectators / audience

public who'd attended and having it batted away by Lazarus. It hadn't been brought up again, which was insane. And he remembered that Lazarus made him admit something he hadn't wanted to. He didn't really remember the specifics, but knew it was about sex. It would be horrifying to read his testimony again summed up by Murphy's words (though his friend was likely to be forgiving).

Then, thankfully, they were onto Jake. Probably the only time Ben would ever be grateful having to listen about that simpleton. Ben had mixed feelings about Murphy liking him so much; he was impressed that Murphy was so easygoing that even a fool like Jake could woo him, and he was also disappointed that Murphy was so easygoing that even a fool like Jake could woo him.

"Your bodyclock will instantly come good when you achieve your eternal goal," Ben said. He was sure Murphy would find someone. He was an amazing person with a lot of excellent qualities. He could literally get along with anyone at all. "You could always use the new app coming out next month," Ben suggested slyly, figuring Murphy wouldn't let him off the hook until he explained it... but they weren't ready to even test it yet. Digital was being a beast about the security of the profiles. The app was already running well in the testing servers, Ben was keen to see it come to life.

[pinkroses]

Murphy’s smile was a bit more tight-lipped than usual as Ben mentioned again becoming a vampire. Right now that seemed impossible and it felt like Ben was trying to joke about it after just pushing it completely out of reach.

Fortunately, Ben managed to change the subject ever so slightly and Murphy blinked at him in confusion.

“App? What app? To find sires?” he asked with a frown. That sounded like a terrible idea, but he was sure Ben wouldn’t go through with something like that. He must have misunderstood.

[Trillian]

Ben's smile widened at Murphy's confusion.

"Not just sires, but that will be a part of it. No point going to Venture and hassling vampires who don't want a fledge, like I did with Kerr at Risk. It could be seriously dangerous. So this place is going to be a safe meeting point for the app, for people who want a sire, for vampires who are looking to make a fledge of someone who is interested, for people who like the bite and so on." He paused for a moment. "The app's been written already, we're just making sure it has super-security. Digital's getting that part done, and we have a team working to his specs as well. It's... kind of exciting."

There were so many moving parts in Ben's life now. The Academy, the campaign and the Lovebite app. A huge change from where he'd been three months ago.

[pinkroses]

“Oh, well, yeah, that makes more sense,” Murphy said hesitantly. He glanced around the room again. It would be a good place to meet up and would feel safe if it was run by the people who owned the app. Like with online dating, there were sometimes public places designed for those meet ups.

And it was just another thing Ben had to look after and take up his time with. No wonder he didn’t want a fledgling to distract him from all those strings to his bow.

“It sounds like a good idea and yeah, exciting, there’s going to be loads to think about for something like that. Hope you’ve got a good team,” Murphy said with a smile. It would have been nice to be asked to be a part of this, of any of Ben’s hundreds of things he had going on, but maybe it was better this way, it would be easier to take a bit of time apart. Right now he had no intention of really using the app, but he’d probably download it to take a look.

“When are you planning on launching? Or does it just depend on when it’s done?” he asked. He almost asked whether Ben would like him to do an article on it for publicity, but considering how his last article was so close to Ben, maybe he’d rather have someone else. Or someone who wanted to use it so could review it properly.

“Wonder if they’d let you publicise it at Venture and places like that – it’s probably something they’d approve of, but then getting people to meet here would take away business from them. You could work with them to make more joint safe places… but you’ve probably thought of all this,” he said with a shrug.

[Trillian]

"It'll launch as soon as it's ready. Not with fanfare, like the Academy needed. Just... one day it'll be available and advertised everywhere," Ben said.

"It was Kerr's idea, you know," Ben admitted. "He's driving it. I've helped him on it because we'll be doing things together mostly, but he'll be the one managing everything. Good guess about Venture, it's going to be one of the safe meeting places. I had to negotiate with Charon so he's happy with it too," Ben said, thinking about how Charon had shown what a devious head for business he had as well. He certainly hadn't made himself a charity. "He'll be promoting the app as well. We needed something making money to support the Academy. It's got more money going out than coming in at the moment. Having a lot of people signing up is great, but maybe the dazzle will wear off when they realise they have to pay for classes. The basic fledgling powers and survival classes are free for vampires under five, but everything else is... yeah. I don't know how many students I'll have when the invoices get sent out. I'll have to see when the semester starts."

He realised he was talking shop with Murphy and wondered if it was boring his friend or not. "You don't want to hear about that, I'm sure. Hey, did you sign up for anything? Everything is free and available to you, you know? Just like it was when we used to be at Haven Crest." He didn't know if his friend would be interested in that either, but he and Murphy had always shared a fascination for learning about other species and supernatural things.

[pinkroses]

“I’m sure they’ll have realised they’ll have to pay for classes. It’s on the website and stuff,” Murphy said with a small frown. He’d looked it all up, despite Ben telling him it would be free. If Ben did have problems with people dropping out because they hadn’t realised then he’d need to make it even more obvious.

“Yeah, I’ve signed up for some stuff, the Myths and Reality course, the Recordkeeping one sounded interesting, although maybe not so useful just yet, the Masquerade one, since, y’know, it would be good to know a bit more about Jake and his stuff. I thought the Malkavian Question Time sounded interesting, but maybe it’s better not to know some stuff, and I get the feeling from what you’ve said before Digital’s predictions don’t make sense until stuff actually happens, so what’s the point in hearing them in advance?” he said, originally counting off classes on his fingers until he reached the Question Time, when he dropped them to his lap.

It did make him feel a bit bad, with Ben saying the Academy was losing money, then saying he could take any classes for free, but they’d gone over that before and Murphy knew there was no point discussing it again.

“What are you going to be doing? I mean, I doubt you’ll have much time to do them regularly with everything you’ve got going on,” he added with what he hoped was a teasing grin, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

[Trillian]

"Yeah, you'd think so," Ben agreed sarcastically, but he'd fielded all sorts of questions about why some classes cost more than others and why weren't they free? Granted, most of those questions had come from the fae, and even though he didn't like generalising, they seemed to be a bit more flighty and distracted than other species. "I've already done the full Masquerade course, but I think Sam's tweaked it since last year to make it better, adding more stuff. I recommend you take it because she covers all the clans. It's more involved than I thought. She's, uh, I like her a lot. She reminds me of my girl friends from high school. The ones who are so nice you wonder if they're for real."

What was Ben going to be doing? That was a fair enough question.

"Well, right now I've written down my wishlist of all the things I wanted to implement if I became leader. I've already figured a lot of it out. Jake's laws are excessive in my opinion, but the Sacrament are too lax, so I'm working closely with the Ward at the moment to hammer them out. They were revising their laws anyway, so I've jumped on with them. After that I'm going to meet up with my lawyers and figure out the best legal way to run a campaign and the most honest way to do it. I want the whole city to vote on the district leader because it affects everyone, but Jake will probably want to keep it contained to city central because he has a concentration of his people in here. I'll probably be sorting all that stuff out and then... run the campaign once the boundaries are put in place. It's, um, scary and exciting, and... I don't think you'll see me much at the Academy for the next six months. It's why I was working so hard on getting the schedules set up and putting staff on so Ichabod could just keep it running for me. He'll be ironing out problems though. Have you and he become friendlier since... um, have you had anything to do with him at all?"

[pinkroses]

Murphy blinked in surprise as Ben went into a spiel about all of his plans for his time – Murphy had only meant to ask about what courses he was going to be taking since he knew how much Ben loved learning. It was good to know how much thought Ben had put into it – despite his reassurances it had still felt a bit like Ben was doing this just to get back at Jake. But there was definitely more to it.

It was good to know Ben liked Sam as well – she was a part of Jake’s family so at least there was something about Jake that Ben didn’t hate.

“I… to be honest I haven’t really seen Ichabod for ages. I mean, I saw him at the Academy opening when he did his bit, but we haven’t talked or anything. How are you planning on putting the boundaries in place? Who would decide on that? Aren’t there already kind of boundaries in place?” he asked.

“I guess I won’t be seeing you much of anywhere over the next six months, not just the Academy,” he added since Ben had pointed it out. “Make sure you find time for other stuff too though, all work and no play and all that,” he said with a small shrug. He’s find time for Kerr, since they would be working on all this together, but Ben was never great at making friends so it was very possible he’d find himself in six months running an app, a club, a District, an Academy but having no actual personal life or anyone other than Kerr to talk to.

[Trillian]

“Yeah, there are already boundaries,” Ben said, throwing Murphy an odd look. He’d thought his friend a bit more politically aware of the districts and where they divided but of course some were contested. There were natural divisions in the lay of the land though and more often than not that was what the political structure followed. Murphy had never been a political journalist, and perhaps that was where he’d gone wrong. Still, it was Ben's interest, not Murphy's.

“I’ll be fine,” Ben said, but it was more than that, he was downright excited. “I’ll make sure to text and see you more often. I’ll make time,” he promised.

[pinkroses]

Murphy raised an eyebrow as Ben gave him an odd look at his question. Murphy had known about the boundaries, obviously, but Ben had mentioned boundaries being put in place which had implied there would be changes. Maybe he’d misspoke or there had been a misunderstanding and in the mood he was in he wanted to point out how obvious it was that he knew there were boundaries, but with them on tenuous ground as it was he didn’t want to push things further and accidentally snap at him.

He gazed at Ben as his friend promised to make more time for him, then he gave a small nod, glancing down as he took a deep breath. He wanted to believe him, but Ben had so much going on and Murphy had already found himself slipping down that list.

“Ok, well, good. I should go,” he said, pushing himself upright and standing, shoving his hands into his pockets. He felt so lost right now, he didn’t really know where to go with his thoughts. Usually he and Ben would hug goodbye, and although he wouldn't pull away if Ben instigated it, Murphy made no move to start it.

[Trillian]

Ben stood as well, his arms twitching their desire to lift and pull Murphy into their usual hug. Murphy was his only friend that he was comfortable hugging - and now it didn't feel right, because of his body language and the strange conversation they'd had. It had felt forced somehow, full of confused looks and peculiar comments. It hadn't felt easy, or warm, and to follow that up with a stiff, awkward hug would be the worst thing for them.

He opened his mouth to say something about Jake and thought better of it. Anything he said would come out sarcastic, likely. Or snide. That would be even worse than an awkward hug.

"Okay, I'll walk you down," he said, though really he meant to ride in the lift with Murphy and take him to the front doors through the lobby. Part of him wanted Murphy to insist going himself but most of him wanted a chance to say something honest and from the heart before they parted, and only extended time would allow him that. Potentially, they would have a quiet ride down and nothing said until Murphy left to see Jake. Then Ben could beat himself up over thinking of nothing to say. Ugh.

[pinkroses]

To be honest, Murphy wanted to get out of Ben’s presence as quickly as possible. With this awkwardness the misery was sneaking back, reminding him of how Ben had just rejected him and he had a bad feeling that it would bubble up and show before too long. But he was a people pleaser, so it wasn’t in him to reject Ben’s suggestion straight out.

“Great,” Murphy said stiffly, making no attempt to smile to back up the positive comment before he turned and started walking to the lift they had entered through.

“Thanks for letting me see all this place. I’m sure it’ll be really popular,” he added, vaguely taking a stab at filling the space between them. Whilst Ben was hunting for words from the heart Murphy just wanted to say anything to stop himself from thinking about his own.

[Trillian]

Ben nodded, then added "you're welcome," as a paltry addition to the conversation that had become stilted between them. The elevator swept them downwards and as they moved through the lobby in silence, Ben was mentally berating himself for his lack of conversation.

When the front doors were opened for Murphy to leave, Ben grabbed Murphy's hand and finally blurted something out.

"You're still my only real friend. The only person I trust other than Kerr." What a lame and unnecessary thing to say. Murphy knew it already, why bang on about it? Because it needed repeating, he supposed. "I know things are going to get...

complicated

busy, but I really do want to make time for you. You're worth it."

They'd always been a bit sappy with each other. He hoped Murphy could forgive him for it this time.

[pinkroses]

Murphy tensed up as Ben grabbed his hand, but he didn’t pull away from that cool grasp, although he flinched as his shoes squeaked on the marble as he turned back to face the blonde. His hazel eyes shone as Ben spoke and he swallowed down the swell of emotion. The mention of Kerr was like an extra little kick, but Murphy tried to focus on Ben’s other words. How could he say he was worth it? Right now he didn’t feel like anyone thought that.

Prove it. Ben said he wanted to make time for him, but over the past few weeks, and months even before Kerr came back, he hadn’t bothered. Texts had been unreplied to, suggestions to meeting up had been disregarded as Ben had been busy – with his fake Kerr now Murphy knew. Ben Ben had been there during some of the shittiest points of Murphy’s life and stuck with him when everything had seemed dark.

He stepped closer to Ben, covering their joined hands with his other.

“You know I’ll be there when you need me. When you’ve got the time. Just…”

Give me time
Stay away for now
It’s all fallen apart
You were worth everything

 “let me know. I’m not busy,” he said, squeezing Ben’s hand and swallowing down all the things he wanted to say but couldn’t. Murphy knew he should turn and leave, but leaving suddenly felt so final. They’d see each other, things would go back to normal, he was sure. But what if they didn’t?

[Trillian]

There were two words that could sum up everything Ben was feeling but at the same time they felt insignificant and not powerful enough to convey the depth of his emotion. He could only look at Murphy and say them and hope that his best friend could forgive him.

“I’m sorry.”

When their hands separated, Ben had the courage to try for a hug goodbye, like they’d always done.

[pinkroses]

“I know,” Murphy said softly. He wanted to forgive Ben, but it would take a little while to get used to the idea that their plans weren’t going to come together. It was his forever which had gone, so that pain wouldn’t disappear within the hour.

When Ben came in for a hug, Murphy reciprocated, but didn’t squeeze quite as tightly as usual, or get as close. “It’ll be ok,” he added, hating that he felt like he needed to reassure Ben when his friend was the one who had broken it all. When he pulled back Murphy ran a hand through his hair, taking in a deep breath and giving Ben a tight smile.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said, before turning to head out the door, shoving the heavy door with a lack of energy unless Ben had anything else to say. Otherwise he was intending to head straight to the White Rabbit.