Promises Of Eternity

[pinkroses]

Murphy blinked in surprise as Ben went into a spiel about all of his plans for his time – Murphy had only meant to ask about what courses he was going to be taking since he knew how much Ben loved learning. It was good to know how much thought Ben had put into it – despite his reassurances it had still felt a bit like Ben was doing this just to get back at Jake. But there was definitely more to it.

It was good to know Ben liked Sam as well – she was a part of Jake’s family so at least there was something about Jake that Ben didn’t hate.

“I… to be honest I haven’t really seen Ichabod for ages. I mean, I saw him at the Academy opening when he did his bit, but we haven’t talked or anything. How are you planning on putting the boundaries in place? Who would decide on that? Aren’t there already kind of boundaries in place?” he asked.

“I guess I won’t be seeing you much of anywhere over the next six months, not just the Academy,” he added since Ben had pointed it out. “Make sure you find time for other stuff too though, all work and no play and all that,” he said with a small shrug. He’s find time for Kerr, since they would be working on all this together, but Ben was never great at making friends so it was very possible he’d find himself in six months running an app, a club, a District, an Academy but having no actual personal life or anyone other than Kerr to talk to.

[Trillian]

“Yeah, there are already boundaries,” Ben said, throwing Murphy an odd look. He’d thought his friend a bit more politically aware of the districts and where they divided but of course some were contested. There were natural divisions in the lay of the land though and more often than not that was what the political structure followed. Murphy had never been a political journalist, and perhaps that was where he’d gone wrong. Still, it was Ben's interest, not Murphy's.

“I’ll be fine,” Ben said, but it was more than that, he was downright excited. “I’ll make sure to text and see you more often. I’ll make time,” he promised.

[pinkroses]

Murphy raised an eyebrow as Ben gave him an odd look at his question. Murphy had known about the boundaries, obviously, but Ben had mentioned boundaries being put in place which had implied there would be changes. Maybe he’d misspoke or there had been a misunderstanding and in the mood he was in he wanted to point out how obvious it was that he knew there were boundaries, but with them on tenuous ground as it was he didn’t want to push things further and accidentally snap at him.

He gazed at Ben as his friend promised to make more time for him, then he gave a small nod, glancing down as he took a deep breath. He wanted to believe him, but Ben had so much going on and Murphy had already found himself slipping down that list.

“Ok, well, good. I should go,” he said, pushing himself upright and standing, shoving his hands into his pockets. He felt so lost right now, he didn’t really know where to go with his thoughts. Usually he and Ben would hug goodbye, and although he wouldn't pull away if Ben instigated it, Murphy made no move to start it.

[Trillian]

Ben stood as well, his arms twitching their desire to lift and pull Murphy into their usual hug. Murphy was his only friend that he was comfortable hugging - and now it didn't feel right, because of his body language and the strange conversation they'd had. It had felt forced somehow, full of confused looks and peculiar comments. It hadn't felt easy, or warm, and to follow that up with a stiff, awkward hug would be the worst thing for them.

He opened his mouth to say something about Jake and thought better of it. Anything he said would come out sarcastic, likely. Or snide. That would be even worse than an awkward hug.

"Okay, I'll walk you down," he said, though really he meant to ride in the lift with Murphy and take him to the front doors through the lobby. Part of him wanted Murphy to insist going himself but most of him wanted a chance to say something honest and from the heart before they parted, and only extended time would allow him that. Potentially, they would have a quiet ride down and nothing said until Murphy left to see Jake. Then Ben could beat himself up over thinking of nothing to say. Ugh.

[pinkroses]

To be honest, Murphy wanted to get out of Ben’s presence as quickly as possible. With this awkwardness the misery was sneaking back, reminding him of how Ben had just rejected him and he had a bad feeling that it would bubble up and show before too long. But he was a people pleaser, so it wasn’t in him to reject Ben’s suggestion straight out.

“Great,” Murphy said stiffly, making no attempt to smile to back up the positive comment before he turned and started walking to the lift they had entered through.

“Thanks for letting me see all this place. I’m sure it’ll be really popular,” he added, vaguely taking a stab at filling the space between them. Whilst Ben was hunting for words from the heart Murphy just wanted to say anything to stop himself from thinking about his own.

[Trillian]

Ben nodded, then added "you're welcome," as a paltry addition to the conversation that had become stilted between them. The elevator swept them downwards and as they moved through the lobby in silence, Ben was mentally berating himself for his lack of conversation.

When the front doors were opened for Murphy to leave, Ben grabbed Murphy's hand and finally blurted something out.

"You're still my only real friend. The only person I trust other than Kerr." What a lame and unnecessary thing to say. Murphy knew it already, why bang on about it? Because it needed repeating, he supposed. "I know things are going to get...

complicated

busy, but I really do want to make time for you. You're worth it."

They'd always been a bit sappy with each other. He hoped Murphy could forgive him for it this time.

[pinkroses]

Murphy tensed up as Ben grabbed his hand, but he didn’t pull away from that cool grasp, although he flinched as his shoes squeaked on the marble as he turned back to face the blonde. His hazel eyes shone as Ben spoke and he swallowed down the swell of emotion. The mention of Kerr was like an extra little kick, but Murphy tried to focus on Ben’s other words. How could he say he was worth it? Right now he didn’t feel like anyone thought that.

Prove it. Ben said he wanted to make time for him, but over the past few weeks, and months even before Kerr came back, he hadn’t bothered. Texts had been unreplied to, suggestions to meeting up had been disregarded as Ben had been busy – with his fake Kerr now Murphy knew. Ben Ben had been there during some of the shittiest points of Murphy’s life and stuck with him when everything had seemed dark.

He stepped closer to Ben, covering their joined hands with his other.

“You know I’ll be there when you need me. When you’ve got the time. Just…”

Give me time
Stay away for now
It’s all fallen apart
You were worth everything

 “let me know. I’m not busy,” he said, squeezing Ben’s hand and swallowing down all the things he wanted to say but couldn’t. Murphy knew he should turn and leave, but leaving suddenly felt so final. They’d see each other, things would go back to normal, he was sure. But what if they didn’t?

[Trillian]

There were two words that could sum up everything Ben was feeling but at the same time they felt insignificant and not powerful enough to convey the depth of his emotion. He could only look at Murphy and say them and hope that his best friend could forgive him.

“I’m sorry.”

When their hands separated, Ben had the courage to try for a hug goodbye, like they’d always done.

[pinkroses]

“I know,” Murphy said softly. He wanted to forgive Ben, but it would take a little while to get used to the idea that their plans weren’t going to come together. It was his forever which had gone, so that pain wouldn’t disappear within the hour.

When Ben came in for a hug, Murphy reciprocated, but didn’t squeeze quite as tightly as usual, or get as close. “It’ll be ok,” he added, hating that he felt like he needed to reassure Ben when his friend was the one who had broken it all. When he pulled back Murphy ran a hand through his hair, taking in a deep breath and giving Ben a tight smile.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said, before turning to head out the door, shoving the heavy door with a lack of energy unless Ben had anything else to say. Otherwise he was intending to head straight to the White Rabbit.