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[pinkroses]

It was a week before Murphy felt ready to venture out of the estate and face those he needed to. Jeanne, Royce and Hugh had been taking it in turns to train him throughout that time, or simply supervise his feeding... their various techniques and enthusasm for the task differed. Murphy had seen Charon a few times over the week and the young fledgling's confidence had grown as they tested out his abilities which were far beyond any other fledgling at that point which Charon had come across.

Murphy had decided to go to Ben first, telling himself it was because he needed his spare keys, but in truth he believed Ben might... might... be more understanding, less emotional. Less likely to want to keep him there with him. He missed his friend, but was worried about what was to come. He'd run over different scenarios in his head multiple times, each one different and probably all wrong. It had taken some gentle urging from Jeanne to prompt him to actually go rather than just mull it over. She knew he needed people around him who he had a proper bond with and he trusted her judgement.

When Murphy had got his phone back from Charon he'd scrolled through the messages the patriach had written - vague, shutting down any questions, stating simply that he had a task for Murphy.

Some task.

Come to grips with the fact you're dead and your sire is now out of mental reach. Easy peasy.

Murphy sent Ben a short text:

I need to see you tonight, you at home? x

He was already in the car by the time Ben replied in the affirmative, sitting back in the comfortable back seat, letting his fingers run over the leather he'd not been in any state to appriciate last time he was in here. Murphy had spent a lot of the past week experiencing things like this, like he'd never felt a soft towel before, well kept leather, smelt the flowers in Charon's conservatory, seen the stars so clearly. And the taste of blood, that was more intense and delicious than he'd ever imagined. His self control was improving, and he was able to pick up on when to stop drinking from a donor by himself now, but there was still that little voice itching at him to have more, to take what he wanted so badly.

The first night he'd awoke at Penbrook, he'd found a pile of new clothes which fitted him well and were in styles he would have chosen - although of a better quality than the shops he would have gone into. Tonight Murphy wore dark denim jeans and a dark red button up shirt over the top of a white t-shirt. HIs sleeves were rolled up to just below the elbows and he wore no jewelry other than his usual watch (after he'd manged to clean all the blood from it). Jeanne had commented that the red of his shirt went well with the new gold in his eyes, which made Murphy a little self-conscious about highlighting the new colour, but the car had already been summoned qand he tried to focus on the compliment, not his own concerns.

"Thank you. I don't know how long I'll be so I'll get a taxi back, you don't need to hang around," Murphy said as the car pulled up to the Luminary. He might regret that decision if he wanted to make a swift exit, but he didn't want someone hanging around waiting for him, then he'd just feel like he needed to rush.

He lingered on the sidewalk for a moment, watching the car drive off, before heading inside and heading to the reception desk.

"Hi, I'm here to see Ben Samson, please," Murphy said with a warm smile at the well-kept man behind the desk, before he turned to move away slightly out of instinct - just in case anyone else came in who wanted to be seen.

As he'd done thousands of times over the past week Murphy mentally reached out to Lazarus, but felt nothing. He couldn't even tell which direction his sire was in any more. That was probably for the best and would help ease that stupid habit. Instead he raised his gaze to admire his surroundings properly for the first time, seeing all the little details, smelling the polish from the desk, the flowers in the vase, the after-shave the human wore. He'd become used to Penbrook, but now he was out in the world there was so much more to feel.

[Trillian]

The clerk dialled four numbers and announced Murphy's presence. The fledge could easily hear his side of the conversation even though he'd moved away. His name had caught his attention before the clerk added; "Of course, sir. I'll escort him to the elevator myself," he promised before hanging up.

The clerk disappeared into a side room and then came out of a door. There was another hotel clerk looking after the reception counter, and the foyer was busier now, though not bustling like the Oligarchy had used to be. There was a small group of people loitering near the cafe in the corner though, and the smell of warm blood wafted around them.

"If you could follow me please, Mr Hilton," the clerk requested, taking Murphy away from the bank of elevators that delivered people to the different floors upstairs and to a nook behind them, where a single set of glossy black doors led to an elevator that could carry people directly the penthouse suite without being requested by anyone else. "Please wait here, Mr Samson will collect you soon."

The clerk returned to their position at the counter. Murphy waited a couple of minutes before he heard the soft whoosh of an arriving elevator and then the ding that followed, sounding much like the microwave in the cafe as warmed blood was ready for the next customer.

The glossy black doors opened and Ben stood there, on his own. He was looking at his phone and looked up with a smile readying itself on his face to greet his friend. It froze and disappeared as Ben processed the shock of seeing Murphy's golden eyes and no longer feeling the warmth that radiated from his mortal friend. That was gone for good. Ben blinked and collected himself, bringing his smile back and gesturing for Murphy to enter the lift.

He wasn't ready to hug him. He wasn't ready to smell Jake on him. Once Murphy was inside the box with him, Ben shifted away and with perhaps a bit more stabbing motion than he would've cared for, Ben pressed the button to the penthouse.

"So how long have you been one?" he asked conversationally, then frowned wondering why the Sacramentum had Murphy for the past week. Had Jake arranged for that?

[pinkroses]

Murphy dutifully followed the clerk towards the lift, studiously ignoring the scent of blood which was trying to draw him in. He'd already fed well first thing, he could last.

"Thank you," he said as he was left alone. Despite all of the distractions around him, Murphy kept his focus on the elevator, listening to the machincs of it, comparing the smoothness of it to the other lifts in the foyer.

When the doors finally parted (which felt like it took an eternity) it was easy to see the changes in Ben's expression in those couple of seconds. He was shocked, obviously, that was always going to be the case. Murphy was still shocked about it all himself.

The lack of the welcoming hug was obvious as Murphy entered the lift, returning Ben's smile with one of his own, although it wasn't quite as bright as usual. As Ben shifted to one edge to control the lift, Murphy retreated into another corner, gripping the small bar which ran around the wall of the lift.

"A week. He turned me a week ago," Murphy said, curious as to who Ben thought had done it. They'd discussed Jake, but he'd been with the Sacramentum for the past week. He didn't like to use the word 'sired' to describe what Lazarus had done.

Attacked me
Beat me
Killed me

But he hadn't managed to come up with another word for What Lazarus was to him now. Murderer didn't quite fit either. Considering how many benefits the blonde's blood had given him, it didn't seem fitting for what the prick had done.

[Trillian]

Ben stared at Murphy, unblinking. He was doing the calculations in his head. He'd sent a text to Murphy requesting a get together, determined not to let his friend down again, only to be fobbed off by Charon. Ben didn't dare challenge the patriarch of the Sacramentum, even though he'd itched to ask why and what Murphy was doing. He and Murphy had been 'adopted' in a way by the ancient vampire family, after they'd brought down the Oligarchy. At first he hadn't trusted them but as time wore on he'd relaxed, even though he'd never understood their true motivations for casting a protective social sphere around the two of them during a hazardous time.

He was coming up with reasons why Jake had sired Murphy and then dumped him on the family. Had they had a row immediately after? Had Jake changed his mind right after Murphy had changed into his fledgling? Commitment issues to the max? Or had something urgent and dangerous come up that he had to take care of and so he'd left Murphy with those he trusted? An insectile murmur pierced his thoughts, distracting him from painting more scenarios (and with Lazarus featuring in none of them).

"What?" he prompted, unable to decipher what Murphy had tried to send him. Ben used to amplify his thoughts to everyone as a fledge. He'd thought that his communication had been loud and clear. Had it been like this? This weird poking-in-the-brain sensation that felt like a sneeze was coming? Ugh. No wonder vampires hadn't liked being around him. "I didn't catch that."

He gave Murphy a dubious look, wondering why he was using mental talents at all anyway. One week old, Murphy wouldn't have anything up his sleeve except an intense desire for blood. Ben made a note to himself to heat up some baggies, or have a couple of donors arrive at their rooms.

Drinking from donors together. Cosy.

[pinkroses]

Murphy had lowered his eyes to the ground, feeling the awkwardness grow between them as the silnece stretched out and, despite thinking it over hundreds of times in the past week, Murphy tried to figure out how to explain it all.

He glanced up with surprise as Ben asked him to repeat himself, as he hadn't said anything, or intended to mentally project anything, but he knew sometimes his thoughts were a bit louder than intended. Charon preferred mental communication, and his family were used to it, so there hadn't been any real training yet on how not to do it. Most of the time he managed to keep his private thoughts to himself, but when he wanted to blurt everything out to Ben, it might be hard.

"What?" he parroted back, unsure of exactly what it might have been Ben had heard. "Uh... I need to just go through with you what happened," when we're inside, he added mentally with a glance at the doors, not wanting to have this conversation in the elevator. Hell, if Ben took it badly that his best friend was connected to Lazarus he might just send him straight back down in the lift without letting him out.

[Trillian]

Because he was actively listening, he caught Murphy's second thought. He believed, now, that the other thought hadn't been sent to him, that it was just Murphy thinking to himself.

"When we're inside, okay," he repeated, nodding. The smile came easier to him now but it was tinged with curiosity and concern. Murphy was acting cagey and he didn't want to think he was the reason that his best friend was so uncomfortable. He assumed it was to do with his siring... though Ben still had no idea that it had been traumatic at all. Last they'd spoken, he'd rejected him, and now here he was, golden-eyed and behaving awkwardly. "I'll heat up some blood for both of us. I still drink three times a day if I can. I feel it if I only drink twice," he said.

Conversation came easy again, perhaps because now they were equals and he didn't have to feel like he owed Murphy anything. They could get back on track, he thought. They could be their old selves again. Still, smelling Jake on him every time they were close... he wasn't keen to experience that right now, so he kept his distance.

The lift arrived and they stepped out of it into the foyer. Ben led them through the space into the apartment proper, which was very different to how it used to be, though it still had an aquarium, only this time it was set into a wall and ran along the length of it.

I need to just go through with you what happened, Murphy had said. The phrasing bothered him and he wondered if Murphy wanted to have a drink right away or if he wanted to sit and talk. Ben instinctively moved closer to him to ask - years of being friends unable to halt the habit - and he got a sensation of age that made his eyelids flutter and lodged his question in his throat.

It made sense to him, quite suddenly, why Murphy had been staying with the Sacramentum. One of them had sired him! Jealousy flared an ugly path through his emotions and he caught it and squashed it down as best he could. Part of him wanted to ask if it had been Charon, and he felt a tendril of betrayal at the idea. Charon was his contact, his friend, the one who helped him. Was the patriarch of the Sacramentum Murphy's fucking sire?

"What the fuck?" he said softly, wide-eyed and taking a step away.

[pinkroses]

Distracted by his own thoughts, Murphy didn't pay a huge amount of attention to their surroundings, but he was aware that Ben was staying further away that usual. Could he already feel Lazarus in him? Was it that obvious? Then Ben moved closer and it became obvious that now he felt it.

"No, don't," Murphy said as Ben stepped back and he reached out to try to grasp his hand and keep him close, feeling hurt by Ben backing away from him with that look in his eyes.

"He attacked me, almost killed me, no, he did. After he turned me he just... left. At least you know Lazarus is long gone now and probably not coming back," he said, rushing the words out without explaining any of them properly, but they would be accompanied by a shocking feeling of terror and pain which Murphy tried to squash down quickly.

[Trillian]

Another shock. Like a bolt of lightning had struck him and frozen him into place. Ben gaped at Murphy, his hand caught in between freshly-sired ones, gripping him to stop him from going anywhere. Where would he go, to run from this

nonsense
horror

news? He'd only just finished being spiked with spiteful thoughts when everything crashed around him. There was a harsh sound in his ears, like static, enveloping every sound he heard, but he'd already heard the worst of it.

"Lazarus. Lazarus did this. Lazarus did this?" He thought he was only thinking it, that the circular quality of the realisation was only in his head, but he was saying it out loud. He didn't realise it until he said it a few more times. "Lazarus did this. Lazarus did this. Lazarus..."

Once he realised he was speaking, he clamped his mouth shut and pulled Murphy violently towards him, capturing his friend in a tight embrace.

He was shit. He was a shit. He was the shittiest fucking asshole in the world. Just moments ago he'd envied his friend for being sired by an ancient, and now he knew the truth... that it would've been awful, that it would've been vengeful, that Lazarus could've drained him and killed him without bringing him back.

And now that Murphy had said his name, now he could feel it thrumming in his friend. The familiar scent of the ancient clung to Murphy in ways that had nothing to do with an aroma on his clothes, but rather it accosted Ben through the pores of his skin.

"I should've... I should've..." he said, clinging to Murphy and unable to say what he should've. They both knew. Murphy might even feel Ben's intentions, given that they shared a species, if not blood.

I should've sired you. He sent it clearly, unable to stop it.

[pinkroses]

Murphy shut his eyes as Ben pulled him close, relief rushing through him. He needed this, he needed a friend. Jeanne had been there, but it hadn’t been the same.

“No,” he said quietly, his words muffled against Ben’s shoulder.

You didn’t want me, it wouldn’t have worked. You would’ve hated me

“Then he would have just killed me completely,” he said out loud, not intending his initial thoughts to come through. Lazarus had wanted revenge, siring Murphy had been a permanent way to remind Ben and Jake, but killing him outright would have had an impact too.

[Trillian]

So many questions didn't make it through Ben's filter, the biggest one being 'how did he get at you?' but that would likely come with shame or regret.

He knew about shame and regret enough to know he didn't want to compound it in his friend. Lazarus had put it there for both of them. He'd never felt murderous before, wanting other people to accept responsibility for the deed, but if he'd had the means right at this moment to strike Lazarus dead... he would've done it.

He didn't want to release Murphy, didn't want him to see the glossy sheen of tears in his eyes, didn't want him to feel worse than he already did. The sensation of discouragement flooded over him as Murphy had spoken; they both knew that Ben siring him out of obligation would've ended badly.

And yet that wish remained. He couldn't stamp it out. It was just another dollop of guilt on top of his shitty thought about Murphy and the Sacramentum - who had obviously sheltered him in his greatest moment of need. He wondered if Murphy could feel the combination of guilt and compassion pouring off Ben. Reading emotions could be easier than thoughts, who knew? Ben had always triggered with words.

"Come on, let's have something to drink," he said, his voice croaky. He pulled back but touched Murphy on the shoulder, hoping his eyes weren't too glassy but there was no point hiding it. He kept Murphy's hand though, unwilling to release him, and led him to a conservative kitchen that was indulgent with its two fridges and two microwaves.

[pinkroses]

Murphy could easily feel the waves of guilt pouring from Ben. He’d known Ben would feel guilty about it - that had been Lazarus’ plan after all. Knowing that and trying to mentally prepare himself for it before coming hadn’t helped though.

He released his tight hug when Ben pulled back, gazing into his silver eyes, seeing them in more detail than ever before. He released he didn’t know how they had looked before, Ben had always been a vampire to him. A young one, but one none the less. Maybe grey? Blue? The tears which were threatening made them shine beautifully, but the sorrow in them tainted that. Murphy hadn’t cried himself since it happened. Part of it still didn’t feel completely real and he hadn’t let himself dwell on the actual attack too much - just the aftermath, how it could have gone better, how it could have gone worse.

“Sure, lead the way,” Murphy said. His voice sounded steadier than he felt. Maybe it was the fact he’d surrounded himself by people not emotionally involved in the situation which had helped (hindered) him keep his own emotional distance from it.

As Ben busied himself getting the blood ready, Murphy rested a hand on the small of his back, wanting to comfort him. At the same time he felt a swell of annoyance that he needed to which overtook that sadness which had been threatening to bubble up. This hadn’t happened to Ben. Ben had rejected him before, then recoiled from him when he’d felt... what... the age of his sire?

Murphy didn’t want Ben to wallow in guilt. He wanted him to take an interest, to ask what had happened, to hear him tell it. The Sacramentum had all passed his thoughts between themselves so he hadn’t had to go through it after Jeanne. He wanted to talk about it. To tell his best friend about his first feeding by phone, how he’d healed from Lazarus’ blows, how the couldn’t stop trying to reach for him even though he was gone. Had Ben done that with Kerr when he was “dead”? Did he still do it when Kerr was near? What about his absent sire? Did that loss fade?

He swallowed down his questions and story for now though. Ben was upset, he just needed a minute maybe. Then once they had their drinks they could sit down and go over all of that and more.

“It’s ok,” he said in what he hoped was a soothing tone and trying to send a calming sensation to Ben (did it work on vampires as well as humans?). Fortunately he didn’t feel the need to sing in his mind anymore, tempting as it was.

“It’s not what I had in mind, but it’s not like I didn’t want to become a vampire eventually,” he added, as he watched the blood turn in the microwave.

[Trillian]

"At least you're a powerful fledge," Ben said, his earlier thought rising to the surface. He squeezed the blood into two tall thermoses and screwed on the lids. He'd discovered that no matter how quickly he drank, the blood would cool before he got to the end of the glass, and he didn't have a taste for it cold (but would force it down anyway, the desire for it stronger than the desire for it being warm). The thermos got around that problem.

He handed Murphy his thermos and they walked together to the lounge where Ben sat on the corner cushion of the three seater.

"Did you want to tell me about it?" Ben asked quietly, not knowing that Murphy had been irritable about being unable to talk to his friend just a moment ago. Ben had wanted to get them comfortable before the story came out, and even though he was terribly curious about how it had all played out, he didn't want to make Murphy feel obligated to share. It could be too soon to talk about it. It had taken him time to tell Kerr the details about the rape.

[pinkroses]

Murphy frowned slightly at Ben's comment - had everyone apart from him known that an older vampire made a stronger fledgling? And being more powerful didn't make up for how it had happened, or not having his sire around. But he quickly reminded himself that he had been the one to try to put a less negative spin on it. Ben was just following that.

"Thanks," Murphy said, examining the flask for a moment once he had it in his grasp, enjoying the contrast between the elegance of everything at Penbrook and the simple practicality of Ben putting blood in a thermos to keep it warm. He had fed just before he left and he was trying to learn to pace himself, improve him self control, so he resisted immediately opening it and tasting.

At Ben's question Murphy felt a combination or relief and tripidation. Yes, he wanted to talk about it, but it was going to be hard.

"Yes, I do," he said, positioning himself on the cushion next to Ben, sitting sideways with his legs crossed (after toeing off his shoes) so his knees were touching Ben's leg. "I haven't spoken about it since it happened - Jeanne read the memory fromme, then she passed it on to the others so I didn't need to, but it means I haven't... I think I need to talk it through and you want to know, right?"

Murphy waited for Ben's reassurance that he did before he began his explanation, starting with receiving the text and heading out to respond to it, like he'd done numerous times in the past. He didn't go into detail about what had been said between them, or what injuries Lazarus had caused. Murphy wanted to talk, but when it came to it, he didn't want to relieve every blow, every crack and speak them outloud. And talking about how Lazarus had questions him about Ben beforehand wouldn't help the situation or Ben's guilt. Neither would telling Ben that his last living words had been that it should have been Ben siring him.

"I don't know if it was his original plan to just kill me or turn me. He'd threatened to kill me a few times, but then... I was better, I was turned. I guess he thought that would hurt you and Jake more," he said with a small shrug, finally letting himself open the thermos and take a controlled sip.

"Then he took my keys and car and left. He chucked me across the room when I tried to stop him. I could feel him going, where he was, how he was getting further away. I can't feel him any more and I don't want to, but I keep... testing it. Seeing if I can. Do you do that? With Kerr? With... Arles, wasn't it?" he said, searching his memory and pleased that he managed to come up with the name Ben had mentioned when he'd told him of his siring.

[Trillian]

Ben just listened to it all, not wanting to comment or make it about him - though it felt a lot like it was about him. And Jake. Lazarus had zeroed in on Murphy because he was connected to the both of them. He didn't know how Lazarus had connected the dots but he wasn't stupid. His ruthlessness and canny observation had brought down a dragon and made him ruler of the city. Luring a journalist to the city's edges would've been so much easier.

He didn't blame Murphy for falling for it. It was his job to put himself out there into potentially dangerous situations. Ben had never worried about him, never feared for his life. Ben had also been one to throw himself at risky people and bad scenarios. He understood that was where the payoff lay.

And now, as he listened to Murphy tell his story, he found himself lost for words. Never mind, it was just his ears Murphy wanted anyway. He blinked his shock when Murphy threw a name at him that Ben hadn't expected. It felt like a cool slap across the face and he stared for a long moment before answering.

"Um. With Kerr, yes." He didn't even want to talk about the other. It didn't stop a fresh tsunami of guilt from ripping through his body and sucking every other emotion away. He broke eye contact and stared at his thermos, flicking the top open and taking a drink before holding it with both hands between his legs. It was easier looking at it than at his best friend. His newly turned vampire friend.

"I'm sorry."

The apology covered a tonne of different things.

[pinkroses]

Murphy bit his lower lip as Ben agreed that he felt it with Kerr. But he ignored the mention of Arles, which was more what Murphy really wanted to know about. Kerr was here currently, it was the other sire which was absent. Did he ever still feel him, did he try? But Ben shut that down and it was obvious from teh look on his face Murphy wouldn't get more out of him on that.

He stayed quiet as Ben drank, half wanting to reach out at the apology,  but Ben was keeping both hands busy on the flask. He didn't want to tell Ben it was ok, because it wasn't, but there was nothing they could do about it.

"You could help by digging out those spare keys I gave you before I go," he said, trying to give a smile which didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Sorry I didn't tell you earlier," he added, "Or straight away. I knew the Sacramentum would be able to get there faster. I... I killed a dog," hhe said, flinching himself at the memory of it.