Greener Grass

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's drive home from the Academy was melancholy, his thoughts cycling between contemplating Vincent, his relationship with Owen, his own relationship with Ben by comparison and Ben's feelings towards the older vampire. He didn't know why his love had kept information about Vincent to a minimum and if he really had kept them apart but he found he was surprisingly philosophical about it. Vincent had a rigid and authoritative demeanour, yet he'd been affectionate and even indulgent towards his husband, exuding a calm confidence that Kerr had somehow been calmed by.

By the time he exited the lift into his apartment, that sensation was completely gone. He'd felt Ben's unrest vibrating along their bond as the elevator had risen, the emotion only intensifying the higher he got. Kerr moved towards it cautiously, wending his way through their home to the lounge. Ben was sitting on the three seater. Kerr smiled as he sat beside him, moving to wrap an arm around his shoulders and press a kiss to his lips if he was allowed. "What's up?" he asked quietly, tabling his meeting with Vincent for the time being.

[Trillian]

Ben blinked at Kerr as though he hadn't noticed him, though he had. It was looking at him without seeing him, hearing him without listening to him, being aware of him without noticing him, so lost in his thoughts was he. He reacted late to the kiss, pooching his lips out after it was gone and then staring at Kerr for a few seconds before telling him what had gripped his focus so tightly.

"When Murphy came by," he said, speaking slowly and carefully like his words might stumble if he spoke too fast, "he was a vampire. He told me how he was lured to the outskirts of the city and attacked by Lazarus, who... uh... sired Murphy."

Ben had lost his friend. He realised this now. As much as Murphy seemed to want to continue their friendship, his siring had come at the worst possible and most dangerous time for them. Their conversation had been fraught with awkward statements and miscommunication. Their friendship had suffered a broken promise and they were still getting over that, and now Lazarus had given Murphy his blood.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's eyes widened and he stilled, processing the numerous layers in that statement. After a moment, he released a breath, the word, "Lazarus," riding the outgoing wave of air. "Son of a bitch." He frowned, wanting to be sure his assumptions were correct. "Had they ever met before? Did Lazarus know Murphy before he did it?" he queried.

[Trillian]

"No, I don't know. Murphy and I hung out together a lot when you were gone, so maybe he saw us together. He would've seen Murphy with Jake at the trial. It's easy enough to contact a journalist, I imagine," Ben said.

Ben pulled his legs up onto the sofa, his feet without shoes tucked beneath his backside as he leant into Kerr, sighing.

"We had a conversation that felt off, tonight. You know it actually happened a week ago? So... that's what he was doing with the Sacramentum. Staying with them. Getting training from them." His delivery was deadpan but the words were meaningful.

[Existentially Odd]

Ben confirmed Kerr's suspicions. Lazarus might have seen Ben with Murphy, and he probably knew Murphy was seeing Jake, so Murphy's siring was an act of revenge - a very effective one, judging by the turmoil Ben was in. Kerr couldn't help but admire the efficiency of the act, though he was loathe to say so to Ben. Lazarus was a wily motherfucker, skilled in every form of fuckery bar mental abilities.

Kerr steered his attention back to what Ben was saying about the siring happening a week ago. "The Sacramentum is training Murphy? Permanently?" Kerr asked in surprise. His tone was wary, because he half expected Ben would now tell him he'd offered to shelter Murphy and bring him into their home, even though he'd decided against siring his friend. It had become an entirely different and far more lurid situation now.

He watched Ben closely, sensing... something in the way he was telling Murphy's story but unsure what he was listening for, exactly.

[Trillian]

Ben shrugged, the action pushing against Kerr.

"I don't know about permanently. Murphy was talking about going back to his place after making it sun-proof," he said, unable to hide his incredulity from his voice. He disapproved. Murphy was an idiot to turn his back on the Sacramentum's help, especially in the first year of his fledgling life. But it wasn't like Ben could lecture him; he'd run off to New York because he'd been unable to accept help from Kerr.

All the more reason to tell him not to throw away the gift offered him

Fuck him.

"People are going to feel bad for him, when they find out about it. They're going to say 'poor Murphy, he was sired without his consent' and they're going to compare what happened to him with what happened to me," Ben said, venom inching into his voice. "But it's not the same because when Lazarus attacked me he took something from me that I can't get back, and when Lazarus attacked Murphy he gave him immortality and a headstart in fucking powers. So it's not the same!" he argued, as if Kerr had been the one to say it instead of Ben's hypothetical crowd.

[Existentially Odd]

he took something from me that I can't get back

The words kept bouncing around inside Kerr's skull, distracting him from the tirade of other emotions Ben was divulging. It was a vulnerable thing to say, an insight into his wounded psyche that Kerr knew wasn't the point right now but which he couldn't overlook. He resolved to come back to it as soon as he'd dealt with the greater message.

"No. It's not," he agreed, though he didn't see things exactly the way Ben did. Having been sired without his consent - by an ancient and a fledgeling, no less - Kerr had never garnered sympathy. Hell, he'd gained nothing but a dead mother, pain and an unwanted replacement vampire family he'd never asked for. The 'headstart in fucking powers' Ben spoke of was negligible in the beginning, though he was of the opinion that his ancient sire had been the only reason he'd managed to keep up with Sawyl and the twins mentally. He had mastered his telekinetic abilities much earlier than most, also.

This split second of consideration led him to another realisation folded into the fabric of Ben's diatribe; he resented Murphy's siring and not because it had stolen his friend away, in a sense, but because it had given him assets that Ben didn't have. Because Kerr was inadequate, compared to Lazarus. Wonderful. Ben was jealous... possibly because Murphy's start in vampirism was better than his own but more likely because he'd suffered at Lazarus' hand, rather than gaining anything. His fragility broke Kerr's heart on a nightly basis and this was a blow they hadn't needed. Fucking hell.

Turning into Ben and cuddling his arm around him a little tighter, Kerr rubbed Ben's hip and kissed his head. He leant his cheek against Ben's hair as he spoke. "Don't worry. I don't think they'll think about you at all. It will be all about what happened to Murphy. Maybe the fact that Lazarus did it to get back at you and Jake for the trial. And losing his hand, probably," he mused, elaborating on Ben's argument in a manner that was vaguely supportive but also provocative. "What do you feel for Murphy?" he asked, playing Devil's advocate, wanting to provoke Ben into venting - and boldly stating - his feelings of resentment.

[Trillian]

"Nothing," he said, because his pain and anger couldn't be directed at someone who he cared about. "It's not his fault. And I don't want to be... upset... because that's what Lazarus wanted, but I can't stop. It's just come at the worst time," he added, shifting to better cuddle up into Kerr, comforted by the hold and not realising how his initial words had been so insulting, forgetting that Kerr had also been sired without consent. "Murphy and I were already tense because of my broken promise. I mean, if you hadn't come back I would've sired him, I had permission for it, I wanted to do it, to be connected to someone again. He couldn't replace you but... I was drifting. But when you came back, all that was no longer necessary and I... I know I did a massive about-face on him, but he should've known I only agreed because I was lonely. He would've been a fledgling sired by fledgling, almost, which is why I needed the Academy up and running first. If I'd known the Sacramentum would've trained us both I probably would've sired him before it got going, and risked getting back together with you - and you're who I really want."

With his arm around Kerr he squeezed him tightly, once again grateful that Kerr wasn't dead and had returned. He wished that he'd had a better reunion with him. But that would've been too simple.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr found it interesting that Ben resisted speaking directly against Murphy. It was also reassuring. Ben obviously still loved his friend, it was the circumstances around his siring that were anathema. Understandable. Knowing he'd played a part in Ben's initial conflict with Murphy didn't please Kerr like it once may have; it was just another facet of the huge stone of regret and sadness lodged permanently in his soul because he'd stepped into the fucking portal... which was also not the point of this conversation.

He smiled at being told he was the one Ben really wanted, his heart squeezing with pleasure as he placed another kiss on Ben's head. "I love you, too. And one benefit to all this is that Murphy's definitely not going to waste time thinking about broken promises. He's got far more on his mind. Besides, you said that he was upset but that he did understand why you pulled out of the deal. Siring him as young as you are wouldn't have been easy but I also understand why you thought about it. You, uh, would choose training with the Sacramentum over what you had with Vincent?" he queried slyly.

[Trillian]

Ben smiled at the 'I love you, too' line. Kerr was being understanding and supportive, also pointing out truths that Ben needed to hear to keep his calm and sadness at bay. When he mentioned Vincent, however, Ben removed his cuddling arm to bring that hand to his mouth. He ran a fang gently along the side of his thumbnail, taking care not to break skin. He did that for a few seconds, inspected his thumb and then settled his hand down atop Kerr's leg. He didn't return to cuddling.

"I was already intruding on Vincent's training with Owen. It wouldn't have felt right to bring a third

wheel

along."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr raised his eyebrows, observing Ben's behaviour with a secret wonder. He definitely wasn't imagining Ben's secrecy, it was happening right in front of him! He could barely look at Kerr and wasn't even touching him any more. Was he guilty about something? What the hell had 'the Ben thing' been?!

"So you would've left training with Vincent and taken your fledgeling Murphy with you to train with Charon instead? How would Vincent have felt about that?" Kerr asked with exaggerated curiosity, promising himself he'd tell Ben about his meeting and stop torturing his love soon, it was just... Ben's protectiveness of his training relationship with the older vampire was too fascinating to stop watching just yet.

[Trillian]

Ben's awareness prickled at the second mention of Vincent's name, hearing it twice in quick succession. He frowned and shifted, using the hand on Kerr's leg to push himself up and away. One of his tucked up feet moved to the floor but he remained on the couch, looking at Kerr as though he would see something apparent on his face. The question he almost asked

why are we talking about Vincent?

froze on his tongue and barely surfaced in his mind before he went in a slightly different direction.

"I thought you'd have more to say about me going to Charon," he suggested.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled as Ben engaged his usual defensive tactic of redirection, retreating even more. He really didn't want to talk about Vincent, which only made Kerr even more curious.

"I can imagine very well what would've happened if you and Murphy had gone to the Sacramentum for training. You'd have been absorbed into their hive and moved into Charon's bed in no time," Kerr answered briskly, taking the opportunity afforded him by Ben's retreat to sit forward and remove his jacket - it was fitted and not comfortable for lounging in. He tossed it aside before settling back and looking intently at Ben, his elbow on the back of the couch, splayed fingers supporting the side of his head.

He shouldn't find his darling's deception so entertaining, he knew, but there was a certain sort of allure that only came from knowing and loving someone so thoroughly - for so long - that you knew exactly what they were doing but could still be intrigued to realise you didn't know why. It was one way to keep the thrill in a relationship, he thought philosophically.

"What I don't know is anything about Vincent or how he'd have reacted because you never talk about him." It was on the tip of his tongue to admit he'd met him but something uncharacteristically manipulative in him held the words at bay. Just one more response and he'd tell... "Why is that?"

[Trillian]

Ben watched Kerr remove his jacket while he stated quite matter-of-factly that Ben would've ended up with Charon. Ben couldn't deny it, he was fascinated by Charon's age and extensive power. He didn't care what the ancient looked like, he could see past it. He liked that he was one of a handful that could, and that Charon liked that about him.

And then Vincent was back in his face and there was no averting it. Confused how Kerr had got onto this path and mildly offended that Kerr insisted on pursuing it, Ben's gaze darted from Kerr to the coffee table to the aquarium and back again.

"Because he's -" Ben started blurting out, then stopped himself. He hunted for a different word. "Separate." It was a better word for the situation, and still honest, but not as honest as the one he'd originally wanted to use.

Mine.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's eyebrows made another attempt at reaching his hairline as Ben acted even more shiftily. He wasn't going to give anything up without prompting.

"I only ask because I met him tonight. Vincent. At the Academy, when I was dropping the books off. I ran into Owen and he introduced us. We're going to dinner with them soon, Vincent's going to let me know when, once he makes the reservation," Kerr smiled, his expression as neutral as he could possibly make it. "He's going to call me. We had a very interesting conversation," he pointed out, wondering if Ben would volunteer information or whether he'd have to drag it out of him.