The effect of Kerr's disappointment was strangely felt by Jake. His sneer moved into something more contemplative, and that final touch left him confused. Kerr was not Ben, and the same mind games he'd played on his rival were not appropriate for someone he'd just reconnected with. Jake was often his own worst enemy, and he felt that now. He wanted to call out to Kerr, to apologize and explain he'd only been joking. But he hadn't been joking. He had been acting petty and Kerr had so subtly called him out. The most Kerr would see as Jake walked away was a face that looked apologetic, even if he had no words to back it up.
He made his way towards the car service that awaited him. Luke was doing official sheriff business so his driver was Riley, one of his junior officers. He opened the passenger door of an oversized black sedan. "Have fun boss," he asked, never being short on small talk.
"I did," he said somberly. Kerr's face clouded his vision. He got in, and somehow Riley knew to just shut up for once. He did have an idea Jake liked though. "Can I turn on the radio boss?"
"Sure," Jake said, before settling in. Riley fiddled with the dials before finding a song he guessed they'd both like. Riley started the engine and drove off towards the White Rabbit. The
song Jake knew, but the particular cover was new to him. Something about the vocalists style made the lyrics pop out, and it prompted serious thoughts.
If I seem edgy
I want you to know
I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems
And I get more than my share
But that's one thing I never mean to do
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
I try so hard, don't let me be misunderstood
I try so hard, don't let me be misunderstood
At first he thought about Kerr, about the exchange they'd just had. However, it quickly gave way to real reason he felt so blue suddenly, Murphy. Jake had the best night he'd had in a long time with Kerr. He'd forgotten Ben, the election, Lazarus, witches, demons, duskborn and all the rest. It had been such a lovely feeling, and while Jake gave himself partial credit for not destroying their nice time, he realized that Kerr had brought those feelings out of him. He'd had no intention to dance with Kerr tonight. He'd honestly wanted a business meeting. The best he'd hoped for was polite conversation over drinks. Instead, he'd really lived, and it made him feel warm, and romanced, and frankly alive. Lazarus had taken so much from him - although Jake reflected he'd taken a lot back - and Jake was realizing how much work he needed to still do, to be fully over what happened. He'd need more moments like the one tonight with Kerr. That was the rub of it all. Murphy had never made him feel the way Kerr just did.
Jake was under no delusion that he and Kerr ever had a chance, and reflected that despite the lust and good time he'd felt, that he valued Kerr as a friend and nothing more. Maybe it was the pragmatism of a growing maturity, or never wanting to feel like second fiddle to Ben, but Jake was able to separate his affection from his feelings. What Kerr had taught Jake was that the person who made you feel the way he just felt
should be your partner, if you have one. Did Kerr make Ben feel so relaxed and happy just simply by being close? He tried not to envy his rival for that kind of closeness.
Murphy was a fantastic person. Jake had never thought anything else, but after Luke, Shan, Saraekiel and now Kerr it was clear to Jake that his extreme flirting was him acting out. He'd cheat eventually. He knew he'd crack, and he knew Murphy deserved better than that. The vampire couldn't say why Murphy had failed to rouse the kind of good feelings Kerr just had - or honestly like even Lazarus had - but it was clear as he reflected back that it had never occurred.
It was a painful realization, but it was almost like medicine he needed to take. He accepted that despite caring for Murphy, and thinking he was a fantastic person, that he didn't love him, or see the potential of loving him. He saw him as a friend more than anything, and it was something he realized he'd been feeling for a while. It somehow cheapened what Lazarus had done to him. Jake had decided to end things with Murphy, but not because he smelt or felt like Lazaurs. It was because Jake realized he wanted different things than what Murphy could provide. He wanted a child. He could treat Murphy like Scott, a ward to take care of, but Murphy had the Sacrament for that. He couldn't ever think of Murphy as
his, not the way Sam was his daughter.
He looked to Ben and Kerr, and wanted what they had. He wanted sire and fledgling, but also lovers. He wanted electric passion, and rising tides. He'd learned that men like Lazarus weren't for him, but the other extreme was also true. Murphy had seemed the right candidate because he was everything Lazarus hadn't been. In reality, there were parts of Lazarus worth loving, even now. There were parts of Murphy worth loving too. That was the central problem. Jake needed aspects of both men in one. In some ways, he hoped that when he broke the news to Murphy about how he felt that the other would feel relieved. He doubted it, but he kept thinking that it made Murphy's siring less an act of revenge if the two people targeted weren't so affected by it. Perhaps, if he knew Jake was moving on for a different reason, it would free him to just enjoy being a powerful fledgling. Jake wanted Murphy to remain in his life, and hoped that was possible despite their change in status. Maybe Murphy would think this was all because of his smell, and that Jake was just backing out because of that. Jake hoped not. The lyrics taunted him.
Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood"Don't let me be misunderstood," Jake said aloud. Riley called back to him. "What was that boss?"
"Nothing," he replied, settling into his thoughts. "Nothing at all."
