Afterword

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's drive back to The Luminary was performed in the state of automaticity that only experienced drivers deep in thought can achieve. He reviewed his night with Jake, his focus being on summarising how it had gone so that he knew what he was going to say to Ben about it. He was conflicted, thanks to that bitter little parting comment, but he'd enjoyed himself overall. Would Ben wish to know that, though? He also had to discuss his earlier meeting with Dominik, since Ben had left early for his appointment at City Hall - and Ben would want to talk about that as well.

Once he got into the lift in The Luminary's carpark, Kerr knew for certain that Ben was in the building and it felt like he was at home, rather than his office. That was good. Intending to undress and seek his love out once he got there, Kerr swiped his card and pressed the button for the penthouse, thinking about what it had been like to ride in the lift with Jake just a short while ago. He rested his shoulder against the wall, in fact, to enhance his recollection of looking down into those glinting grey eyes, a sultry smirk curling his own lips in memory. No, the night hadn't been all bad.

When the lift stopped at the peak of its ascendency, Kerr was still wallowing in his memories of Jake's flirtation, smiling at thin air where he was picturing his dinner companion. As the doors opened, his gaze lifted lazily and he was startled to see Ben waiting for him. Kerr straightened off the wall, wiping his thoughts and doing a poor job of hiding his surprise. He should've been more aware that he was getting close to Ben, but he was too busy thinking about Jake. Yeah, that would go over a treat.

"Hi, Honey," he grinned, stepping forward and up to Ben to kiss him on the lips, his hands sliding around him in a hug. He hoped his guilt wasn't too obvious. "How was your night?" he asked mildly as he pulled back, taking off his jacket.

[Trillian]

"No, no, no," Ben said with wide eyes and a grin, "you first. I want to know what happened with Jake," he said, grabbing Kerr's hand and leading him past the aquarium all the way to the couches at the front of the floor to ceiling plate glass windows. He sat down and pulled Kerr down beside him. "Don't leave out details."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked as he was directed through their apartment and into the lounge. Mildly put out that he didn't get a chance to put his jacket away or take off his good clothes and slip into a pair of jeans. Kerr sat where he was directed and dropped the leather garment beside him, toeing off his shoes as he spoke. It was disconcerting, how eager Ben was to find out about his date with Jake but he dismissed his concerns and proceeded with the most relevant piece of information first.

"Well, it was businessy, I was right. He wants to get in on Lovebite," Kerr stated dramatically but then he switched tactic. Pressing forward into Ben's mind, he replayed his greeting of Jake at their table, shared an image of the ring on Jake's finger and showed how the younger vampire had taken off his jacket, cufflinks and the ring, placing it on a chain around his neck. Kerr's feelings of connecting to Jake once the ring was gone travelled through their bloodline to his fledgeling and then he shared Jake's business proposal.

Lovebite. I want to invest and help you expand, both your member base, and the number of safe locations for people to meet, he'd said, offering Kerr a black portfolio containing the White Rabbit's business details. Ben looked through Kerr's eyes as he studied the attendance logs for all Rabbit's parties, scanned an email list but focussed with great interest on the bar's profit margins for the last three quarters. It was clearly a profitable business.

Pulling away from Ben mentally, Kerr reverted to speaking. "He said he loves the app and he wants to help us expand it. He had lots of ideas for 'safe zones' all over the district to meet at. I told him the app was yours and I wasn't authorised to make decisions on your behalf but I'd tell you about it. So I have," he grinned, tempted to monitor Ben's reaction to this news through their connection but anticipating his feelings would be obvious enough.

[Trillian]

Ben was delightfully incensed.

"I told you he'd want to stick his fingers in," he said, disappointed about White Rabbit's clear profits. He'd never managed to see the books when he'd been living in Jake's home. He'd had a terribly boring time there, though Jake had taken him to the odd meeting. Nothing worthwhile or interesting though. Jake was more of a businessman and partyboy than a district leader, as far as Ben was concerned. "I don't want the White Rabbit to be a safe location for Lovebiters and Sweets. He can't use the brand. It would compete directly with us and with Venture," he said. "Too many safezones also means they're competing with one another and taking profits off each other. I wouldn't mind a second location in the Metropolis but not White Rabbit. I was thinking Capital Building. They're in the know."

He realised he was getting off track.

"So you were gone for a while and that was all about ten, maybe twenty minutes. What else happened?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr chuckled as he recalled correctly what body part Ben had initially insisted Jake would want to stick into everybody's business but he didn't allow it to distract from what Ben was saying about how he wanted to expand Lovebite. What Kerr had told Jake was true; Ben had plans for moving the app forward but they were being cautious about it. Everything Ben said now supported that notion and had Kerr nodding his agreement (he had no strong feelings either way, so was happy to align himself with Ben's vision).

It didn't surprise him that Ben didn't want to accept Jake's offer but Kerr felt vindicated in that he'd done his part and informed his love of Jake's interest. Not for the first time, a sense of relief washed through him as he acknowledged how glad he was that these decisions were out of his hands. He couldn't bring himself to elaborate on the fact he'd tried to offer Jake the consolation of Ben's potential interest in working with the White Rabbit in some form. Clearly, that had been a lie.

Guilt washed through Kerr again as Ben swerved away from the business discussion and veered straight back towards the events of the rest of his evening with Jake. The residual blood he'd ingested coloured his cheeks mildly and Kerr reached up to scratch at a nonexistent itch on his nose, disconcerted by Ben's demand for details. "Oh, well, we talked a little about him and Murphy, that he's pretty serious about him, even though Lazarus sired him. He apologised to me for taking you away from me after I came back - that touched me. It also reminded me how furious I'd been at him but he was genuinely sorry because I told him about the portal and he understood what a tough time that was for us. I really appreciated his apology. He was sweet overall, really. He was my Jake more and more as the night wore on, especially when we danced."

A huge grin split Kerr's face as the memory of dancing with Jake twinkled in his eyes and in his heart. "He's a fantastic dancer and we both had a marvellous time spinning around the floor. I led, he followed, it was awesome," Kerr laughed lightheartedly. "We spent most of the night there, actually. He flirted with me, I flirted back, it was fun," he summed up with a shy shrug, his blush returning. He felt like he was gushing and the heat in his cheeks wouldn't go. Talk about a scarlet letter.

His smile faded and his nose wrinkled as his parting from Jake rose in his mind and he explained his disapproving expression hastily. "At the end of the night, your Jake showed up and it put a sour cherry on things but, overall, it was a sweet sundae of a night and I enjoyed hanging out with him." Kerr smiled, feeling like he was being obvious and repetitive but hoping Ben's desire for details was satisfied by his descriptive recount.

Still, he wasn't game to launch into his story about Dominik Lowe's visit from earlier in the evening just yet.

[Trillian]

Ben listened to Kerr's detail of the dancing, more interested in how Kerr described it than what he was actually saying. The gushing wasn't lost on him and he wondered at it. When Kerr mentioned the flirting, given and reciprocated, he'd thought he would feel a jealous clenching in his stomach, but there was nothing. No... not nothing, he did feel a peculiar emotion washing over him, but it was less like jealousy and indignation and more like... interest? Curiosity? Yes, he was intrigued that Jake was still a fan of Kerr's, enough that he apologised, then danced and flirted with him all night.

There was no way Ben would ever get an apology from him, except...

"Show me," he said, wanting to see that in the same way Kerr had shared the view of the White Rabbit's profits. "Start with the apology."

Ben twisted in his seat, facing Kerr directly and reaching out to take both of his hands in his own, strengthening their mental connection with a physical one. Charon used kissing but Ben understood that any touch was enough.

[Existentially Odd]

For a moment, Kerr simply held Ben's hands and stared at him, lost for words. He'd been doing his love a kindness, shielding him from the stuff he expected Ben wouldn't want to see, highlighting the parts he thought would excite him. Apparently, he wanted it all, even though Jake was on his no-go list (which made Kerr believe he would never want details concerning him and Jake, surely?!).

Trepidatiously, Kerr opened himself up to Ben completely, allowing his fledgeling to meld into his skin and his memories to come to life before their bifold vision. He decided he would replay it all, starting with their conversation about the business and Jake's disappointment that Ben was in charge of Lovebite.

I imagine Ben won't want me as a business partner though, if I'm being honest.

Their conversation ebbed and flowed and Kerr monitored Ben's reactions so that he could allow him to direct the reenactment. If Ben wanted to see anything again, a spike in his endorphins alerted Kerr and so he repeated it as many times as Ben wished. They watched Jake admit that he should've killed Lazarus and discuss Murphy before his apology came.

I should've never brought Ben into the White Rabbit. Charon played me for a fool, and I guess I was one. I also shouldn't have done that to you. We were friends. I should've never taken Ben away from you, especially right after you got back. I'm sorry for that.

Kerr's reaction was strong and it was odd to have an almost-outsider's perspective of that moment again. He was proud that he hadn't released his emotions on Jake. He also hadn't acknowledged the apology as clearly as he should've but he only saw that in retrospect and was ashamed. Lazarus was a feature of their conversation next, as well as Jake's gratitude for Kerr's presence - and the acknowledgement that Ben might have been a potential block to their reunion. Kerr's joking about how Ben didn't have (but actually did have) him whipped made him cringe but he didn't sense any overt disapproval from Ben.

That was when the flirting had begun in earnest, though, and it only escalated with the dancing.

The foxtrot was followed by his and Jake's quiet discussions during the waltzes. Too late, his thoughts of teaching Ben to dance and the vision he'd had of the two of them tuxedoed and dancing at their wedding in front of a beaming audience - rousing a surge of love even though he was in Jake's arms at the time - filled him. Kerr was chagrined that his secret pondering was openly on display but he was not ashamed. It soon whirled into the rest of the dancing, the sexy tango to end with, followed by his and Jake's flirtatious exit in the lift.

Have a good night Kerr, and thanks again for the dinner and dancing. Do give Ben my best.

Once he'd shared Jake's departing comment and his disappointed brush of the District Leader's cheek, Kerr pulled away from Ben. He watched him, unsure what to say, waiting for his beloved's reaction to his entire night spent with his enemy. He'd felt Ben's feverish interest as he'd steered through the memories and, intellectually at least, Kerr understood it but it also made him uncomfortable enough to not know what to say next, so he simply waited.

[Trillian]

The apology was electrifying and sorely needed and he thought it wouldn't mean as much because it hadn't been said to him, but it affected him in such a way that he felt like sobbing; the pressure in his chest had threatened to engulf him, the heat in his throat made him feel like there were tears on the way, and it seemed to fade momentarily as Kerr retreated from it - perhaps to break the connection because of the emotion, but Ben clung tightly, letting him know he needed to hear it. They replayed it multiple times until finally Ben was calm and could move on. It had lost its potency by the end but the message had satisfied something deep within him.

Ben was intrigued by the flirting and not upset in the slightest. Kerr would feel his fascination. Ben had never danced so well as in Kerr's memory. He saw Kerr's errant thoughts about the wedding but didn't react to it - fanciful imaginings and understandable. He thought it sweet that he should be considered at a time when Kerr was with another. It showed how embedded he was as Kerr's true love.

And then the Jake appeared that Ben loved to take swipes at, but this time his hand caressed Jake's face and put uncertainty there. Yes, a flicker of regret. How divine! Kerr handled Jake beautifully, but he sensed it was more than that. Somehow, Kerr understood him, understood what he needed to get the best out of him. Ben had never seen this side of Jake and it didn't really interest him so much as seeing Jake and Kerr interacting together. It was an intriguing and unexpected pleasure.

Ben stared at Kerr after it was over, a tiny smile at the corner of his mouth from being invited to this private viewing. He'd learnt so much in a short amount of time and he was next-level-excited. He could feel himself thrumming.

"He really likes you," Ben said softly, as though he were matchmaking two highschool friends where one was crushing hard on the other.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, Ben's words unexpected. "We have... a mutual respect for each other," he demurred, supposing it was 'like' but his and Jake's relationship was too complex to be classified so simply, in his opinion. That tended to happen when you'd willingly walked back-to-back into a situation that would potentially take your life, he thought. They'd worked side by side, fought side by side... now they'd danced. There were layers.

[Trillian]

Ben shook his head at Kerr's formal and distancing language which didn't address what Ben was truly getting at. Why was Kerr ignoring the truth when he'd shown it to him so apparently?

"You could have him, if you wanted," Ben said. His thoughts became more calculating as he imagined the many different advantages such a situation would have. He no longer thought he would be grossed out by Kerr's involvement with Jake. Only good things could come from it. "It's stupid to have a no-go list. He's off the list."

And then, after a short moment, because of that electrifying thrum of intrigue and ideas and the euphoria of the apology, Ben added: "You should pursue him. See where it goes."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr shied away from Ben when told he could have Jake if he wanted, his head flinching to the side almost as if Ben had shoved him in the jaw. Being told Jake was suddenly off his no-go list dropped said jaw and his eyes widened, but the shocks kept coming as he was encouraged to pursue Jake.

To pursue him.

Kerr gaped at Ben, wondering if he'd lost his mind. He'd known the apology had affected him deeply but seriously??

"Why the fuck would I do that?" he squeaked, his voice strangled as a curious wash of emotions rioted through him. Shock, fear, denial, horror... excitement, shame. He knew that Ben had enjoyed seeing his date with Jake but he couldn't fathom what was going on in his head now. He had an inkling it had to do with power. You could have him, if you wanted. He could have Jake if he wanted, and then Ben could watch him have Jake, if he wanted... so he'd get to vicariously dominate Jake?

That was pretty twisted, even for Ben.

[Trillian]

Kerr's reaction catapulted Ben into the here and now and he realised he'd said too much. Shared too much. He instinctively shut down, retreating from his openness and Kerr's question, trying to dismiss it with an eye-roll and a shrug even as he removed his hands.

"I'm kidding," he said, even though he hadn't been, and Kerr would've known it because he would've felt Ben's excitement about it. Now there was just fear that he'd gone too far and they would argue.

Like they used to.

He stared out the window into the city, waiting for Kerr to tell him that he was only saying that because of all the people who used to manipulate him in the past. He was a product of their tormenting ways. He wouldn't be like that ordinarily otherwise. It wasn't his fault because it was never his fault. He was a victim. A survivor. This was a side-effect of his rape.

Ugh, it would be the worst if Kerr went there.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was baffled when Ben pulled his hands away but it was so much more than a physical retreat; his beloved retreated from him emotionally at the same time and Kerr felt bereft in his wake. Ben locked his reaction away from him and Kerr was suddenly adrift, trying to sort through the emotional flotsam bobbing around him.

He wasn't kidding. His excitement had been real, the echo of it was still thrumming in Kerr's gut. Ben genuinely wanted him to pursue sex with Jake. The reason was unclear but Kerr no longer felt that that was the point right now. Now it was all about that reaction from Ben and his choice to pull back and then lie. Why was he shielding himself?

And suddenly, Kerr understood. He thought back to their conversation a few nights ago, about opening up their relationship. He thought about Ben's change before that even, how he'd altered his communication habits. Kerr had felt it on an instinctive level but now it was here for him to examine properly; Ben was trying to open up to him and had been ever since that night at Charon's party for Sabrina, when they'd aired their feelings and re-committed to their relationship. He'd just done it and, somehow, Kerr's shocked reaction had spooked him. He watched Ben's profile, gnawing on his tongue stud and thinking.

Silently, he slid over and wrapped himself around Ben, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek and then resting his head on his love's shoulder. He didn't love this feeling... that he'd ruined things by being over the top. Ben hated that. He also thought of his own vow from their fight the other night. He needed to accept Ben and realise that it wasn't his right to change him. He needed to accept that as a truth applicable in every situation. He didn't want to lose his love and although the circumstances now were not so dire, it was still fragile and important that he show respect and compassion. Always.

It's okay to want things. You can tell me, even if it shocks me. I want to understand. I'll always listen, even if I don't agree because you matter to me more than anything. Don't doubt that. I love you. Tell me, please.

His desire to know more was a vibrating thing, pressed against Ben, driven by Kerr's need to protect his love - even from himself - and his desire to please him. Just because they wanted different things didn't mean he never wanted to know Ben's desires and this Jake thing was obviously... a thing. He could handle that. Truthfully, he was curious now, and that went with his emotional peace offering as well.

[Trillian]

The reaction from Kerr was unexpected. Enough so that Ben turned to face him and stare, assessing. He studied Kerr's face; his eyes, the angle of his brow, the set of his lips, back to his eyes. He could feel the sincerity washing over him, even through his hasty block.

Gradually, he opened himself back up to Kerr, reconnecting their thoughts. Kerr would feel his wariness along that connection but Ben was determined not to lock parts of himself away. The eagerness that had been a part of his previous mood was gone.

He found it difficult to start talking again.

"Okay," he said, for lack of anything else.

[Existentially Odd]

It was like approaching a wild animal. Kerr felt Ben's tentative response, forcing himself to relax and be open in response, rather than impatient. Ben's caution was both dismaying and reassuring because it was all an advancement. Kerr met those feelings with love and adulation, smiling even though he left his head on Ben's shoulder. Direct eye contact seemed like a step too far also.

"So... you want me to pursue Jake," he began, frowning because even though he was being cautious, it was still a fucking weird thing to say. "Is it... just because you're curious about watching me with someone and experiencing it through my eyes and it just felt like he'd be someone easy to start with?" It was a question asked hopefully, yet he had no hope he'd got it right.

[Trillian]

Ben twitched away so he could look at Kerr, moving enough so that he was pulling away from him. Kerr might not want to make eye contact but Ben did. Once they were looking at one another, he shook his head.

"Don't you see the benefits of him being enchanted with you?" Ben asked slowly. "He trusts you. He took off the ring for you. He very obviously has a thing for you. If you build up a relationship with him, he'll leave me alone, or you can influence him to leave me alone... or better still," Ben said, warming to his topic again and his speech speeding up, "he might tell you things he wouldn't ordinarily. We don't have to use it against him but we wouldn't be blindsided by him. He'll think he has something over me if he has a secret relationship with you."

He stopped talking, not wanting to put forward his other ideas just yet.

[Existentially Odd]

The last bit had Kerr's eyebrows lifting, as it confirmed the insinuation Ben had begun with.

"You wouldn't want me to tell him our relationship is open? I don't know that I see the benefits to 'having an affair' with him that you do...?" he hinted cautiously, wanting clarification even though he was discomforted by the proposed deception.

He wasn't a liar, he didn't think he had any skill in it so he anticipated that he'd do it badly and end up tipping Jake off anyway. Still, he'd told Ben he'd listen to all of it so he wasn't saying no. Yet.

[Trillian]

"I don't know. You know best how to handle him," Ben said, waving a hand up in the air and feeling squirrelly. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. He's off the list, pursue him or don't."

He did want to talk about it but it didn't have the right feeling anymore.

"What about that first guy you talked to this evening. Wasn't he an Oligarch?"

He sounded cranky even to himself.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was momentarily at a loss. He'd been so focussed on listening and being open to Ben that he wasn't prepared for the conversation to stop so abruptly and in such an unresolved manner. He frowned, certain that he was feeling Ben's interest in talking about Jake but also capable of hearing him dismiss the topic. Which was he supposed to listen to, in that case? Ben didn't seem happy either way.

He exhaled through his nose as he slid back along the couch a little, trying to give himself some time to think by leaning down to pull his socks off. When he straightened up, he pulled them repeatedly through his hand, elbows pivoting on his spread thighs, finding the action soothing in his uncertain state.

"Yeah, I was going to tell you about him. I didn't know you already knew he'd called in. Dominik Lowe. He's a bear shifter. He was Oligarch for Werewolves. He's just come back to the city. I told him about the election and hinted that there may be an opening for a Shifter Oligarch on a council we're planning to start, if he's interested. He said if I couldn't find Tau, find him. I'm going to put him and his werewolf friend up here, I don't think they have a lot of money. I also gave him Saraekiel's addresses. He wants to talk to him about the North District - it was his before it was Saraekiel's."

Kerr was very aware of the difference between his recount of this part of his evening, as opposed to the one with Jake and the way he'd shared that with Ben. This one was downright robotic by comparison.

[Trillian]

"Do you think Saraekiel will be challenged for leadership?" Ben asked, adopting a peculiar tone. He didn't know how to feel about it. The dark angel was intriguing but dangerous and it would be interesting to see what became of that meeting. He was also concerned that Dominik Lowe might disappear never to be heard from again, which would say a hell of a lot about Saraekiel. He suspected that the dark angel was a lot darker than he let on. He didn't really know anything a lot about him though - his suspicions were mostly based on assumptions.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr tilted his head, watching his socks while he gave Ben's query some thought. "No," he answered, looking back up at Ben.

"I got the impression Dominik wanted to know what's going on but I don't believe he'll challenge. He doesn't have anyone behind him, it's just him and Caden. He... his werewolf partner, Carrie, and their cub died recently so he's mostly looking for a change, I think," Kerr finished, saddened on Dominik's behalf.

[Trillian]

The tone changed dramatically, nosediving at news of Dominik's partner's and child's deaths. He didn't want to know those details.

"Yeah, I'm glad you offered him to stay here," he said, glad that Kerr had offered him to stay at the Luminary. "I never really had anything to do with him, but I have the ex-Oligarchs flagged downstairs at the lobby so the clerks call me when they come into contact with any of them. Same for a lot of the staff."

Like Conner.

Kerr would've heard and felt that name travel along their connection.

[Existentially Odd]

"Ahh," Kerr breathed, understanding now how Ben had known about Dominik's visit before he had a chance to tell him. Conner's name was a wrench, exacerbating the feelings of sadness but also rekindling the awkwardness of their discussion about Jake. Conner had fought with them and Digital against the Sabbat, cementing a bond that only three of them shared actively, now. He missed Conner, as Jake had told Kerr he'd missed him while he was 'dead', their connection stronger because of their fighting experience.

This sense of camaraderie didn't make him want to fuck any of them, though. Well... he'd had designs on Digital a time or two but never Jake. He enjoyed flirting with him and had, truthfully, had an intensely good time dancing with him but his brain refused to consider Ben's desire a viable one. Just because he could (probably) seduce Jake and gain insights into him and his methods of operation didn't mean he should. Sleeping with the enemy, indeed. Jake had probably only been flirting with him because he knew all this and was secure in the knowledge that Kerr wouldn't follow through.

Even as he thought that, though, he knew it was wrong. There'd been a very definite sexual vibe between he and Jake tonight, one they'd both been titillated to explore because they'd known it was safe. He tried to imagine what would've happened if he'd followed through and kissed Jake once they got into the lift... okay. That was probably a bad example because he was pretty certain his advance wouldn't have been rejected and it would've escalated to some excited grinding and groping against somebody's car without too much effort. Perhaps he'd blame the dancing.

Or Perhaps he'd admit he and Jake had some chemistry. But he still didn't want to fuck him - especially not for the sake of insinuating himself inside Jake's inner circle. The thought of climbing out of his bed, getting dressed and creeping home to Ben all dishevelled and reeking of Jake was just nasty and made Kerr feel cheap. Unfortunately, it also made him feel a little turned on simply because of the offensiveness and forbidden nature of his thoughts and Kerr shifted on the seat a little, lifting the leg between them to shield any telltale movement in his lap. He tugged his shirt out of the waistband of his pants, too, unbuttoning with deliberate concentration from his chest down while he forced himself to think of something besides fucking Jake.

"How was your meeting with the mayor?" he asked, thinking he would go take a shower after Ben answered him. He needed a break from his own thoughts. An hour ago, he'd have said with absolute certainty that Ben would be disgusted by them too but he didn't have the luxury of that certainty any more.

[Trillian]

He saw Kerr's memory of Conner, fighting off some horrendously violent, crazed-looking types. He recalled being told about that battle but he'd never seen the grittiness of it. He got flashes of Digital blasting streams of fire at them and Jake swinging his sword and slicing a guy in half. It didn't look real, somehow; as though he was experiencing a video game being played by Kerr rather than participating in a genuine memory.

It shifted just as quickly as it came, replaced by a vision of a barechested and muscular grinning Digital which morphed into a twirling Jake, followed by a picture of Kerr and Jake groping, kissing and thrusting hips in the lift (what? Ben was momentarily confused because this wasn't the reality he saw, but then he understood with the next vision), and then getting out of a bed and looking back at that smirk on Jake's face.

That smirk.

"Not yet," Ben said, captivated by Kerr's impression on what it would be like to bed Jake. He hadn't missed the uncomfortable shift of position on the couch, the way Kerr physically reacted to his fantasy. Ben had planted a seed and now he was watching it grow. He was intrigued and dismayed by how quickly Kerr was taking to the idea. Perhaps putting Jake on his no-go list had turned Jake into forbidden fruit.

"You've always had a soft spot for Jake," Ben said. It wasn't meant to sound like an accusation. He hoped Kerr wouldn't take it as such. "And he's different around you."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr scowled, impatient that the topic of Jake kept coming up (though, rationally, he realised he was to blame for his own thoughts, Ben wasn’t) even though Ben said a few moments before that he didn’t want to talk about it! A yo-yo had an easier life than he did right now.

“I like Jake, you know that,” he shrugged, trying to keep his tone neutral and hide his feelings. He was anxious to be done with this topic once and for all, especially since the more Ben talked about it, the more he fucking thought about it. Now his imagination had him back here, in their home, the night Jake kissed him. He kept trying to remember what Jake’s lips had felt like and couldn’t.

“And he’s different around me because we have respect for each other, like I said. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand why you hate him!” Kerr added hastily, holding up a hand towards Ben so he didn’t offend him. He didn’t want to fight about Jake again. “What you said is absolutely correct. I knew him when he worked under me, you know him now he’s in charge and it’s completely different.”

He winced, realising he could’ve chosen better words to validate Ben’s feelings than ‘under me’.

[Trillian]

"You were the one thinking about him," Ben said matter-of-factly, taking a pointed look at Kerr's crotch that he'd hidden away behind leg and beneath untucked shirt. "I didn't expect him to still have a thing for you, either. I mean, I knew he liked you back then but he's held onto that flame. That's a long time to carry a torch for someone. You have influence with him and you haven't even done anything with him yet."

He realised he shouldn't have said 'yet' after it came out of his mouth.

[Existentially Odd]

“I’m only thinking about him because you put the idea in my head,” Kerr defended gruffly, embarrassed enough by Ben’s pointed look and his own state to lean forward and clasp his knee in his hands, hunching forward defensively. He thought he shouldn’t be humouring Ben and indulging this line of conversation but he also didn’t want to be the one to say something hurtful and start a fight.

Ben dropped the topic when he’d argued last time. He just had to find the right thing to say that wasn’t so passive Ben thought this was a good idea but wasn’t so over the top Ben retreated back into himself.  Because you’re mine, I walk the line.

“Just because I have influence doesn’t mean I’ll be able to use it to alter your relationship with him,” Kerr pointed out reasonably, recalling Ben saying something about him sleeping with Jake could help work out Jake’s issues with Ben. “I really don’t see the purpose in bedding Jake,” he cajoled, his tone harmlessly reasonable.

[Trillian]

Kerr had been aiming for the sweet spot; influencing Ben enough to have him stop pursuing the topic of sex with Jake but without starting an argument about it... and he hit it perfectly. Ben took on Kerr's argument and considered it. While he disagreed, it would feel pushy to continue along that vein. He believed that Kerr should pursue it but the decision was ultimately his. Still, there was still a knot of excitement in Ben's gut that things might progress naturally along that line anyway.

And he would be proved right. Jake couldn't separate anything. He was like a chaos theorists wet dream. Everything was connected to him. Ben could compartmentalise, and he did it a lot. Perhaps that was another reason why they'd taken to rivalry so naturally and why Kerr was so well suited to them both. He fit perfectly in between them, slotting into the middle of their two extremes.

"Mayor Figueroa is even more charismatic in person than he is on television," Ben said, changing the topic though not eagerly. "But the conversation took an unexpected turn."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was relieved when Ben dropped the topic of Jake without their discussion escalating. He lowered his leg along with his shoulders and every part of him calmed down as well. He loved Ben infinitely and would do anything to make him happy but deceiving someone for selfish purposes went against the grain.

He recalled the swarthy-looking mayor as Ben talked about him and tried to imagine what it would have been like to be exposed to his charisma in person. Unfortunately, Jake was the only person willing to jump into Kerr's active thoughts at that moment so he pushed him aside and searched for something non-committal to say. He knew he needed to acknowledge Ben's meeting with the mayor but it was a struggle to concentrate.

"You think you'll be able to work with him?" he asked, knowing he wasn't in the right head space to listen to extensive descriptions of what the mayor had said at that moment. That shower was looking better all the time.

[Trillian]

Ben explained how the meeting had gone with the Mayor, detailing blow by blow what had happened... and then he realised Kerr wasn't really paying a great deal of attention. His conversation petered out halfway through a sentence and he got a murmur of acknowledgement for the half he'd said.

Nice.

As Kerr had noticed Ben's retreat, so too did Ben become aware of Kerr's.

"Go have your shower," he said, the urge to have one had been reverberating through him but he hadn't especially felt like he'd needed one so it only made sense that the strength of this desire had come from Kerr. He pulled his thoughts back into himself, severing their connection and releasing his lover from the conversation.

[Existentially Odd]

"Okay," Kerr agreed, gathering his belongings into a pile in his arms and heading away from the couch without having to be told twice. He didn't need a shower, of course; he needed a break. He was grateful that Ben recognised that and allowed him the reprieve.

Naturally, as soon as he got under the spray, thoughts of Jake and his conversation with Ben persisted. He soaped himself in the same places repeatedly while he tried to decide what Ben would get out of encouraging him to bed Jake. His first answer had been his most honest, Kerr thought; if you build up a relationship with him, he'll leave me alone. The spontaneity of that thought twisted Kerr's heart. Ben had gone on to sound manipulative and hope Jake left himself vulnerable to Kerr (which had malicious undertones that Kerr didn't love), but that first one had sprung innocently out of his mouth in the initial haze of his excitement.

Did Ben desire peace with Jake, in his heart? Was that really what this was all about? And he saw Kerr's potential intervention as a means to that end? It didn't leave as sour a taste in his mouth as the latter points had and Kerr acknowledged that, if he could build a bridge that would help Ben and Jake find common ground, he was open to it. He wasn't convinced fucking Jake was the right way to go about it but, as he stood under the spray, letting it wash over over his shoulders and back while he leant with his palms flat against the tiles and watched water swirl down the drain, he found the idea growing on him. The idea of doing what he could to heal Ben, anyway.

By the time he padded out of the bathroom, Ben was in bed, typing on his laptop. Kerr got in beside him, settling the covers around his naked hips and curling his right arm across the pillow above his head. Instead of continuing reading his book, he stared up at the ceiling and composed his question before asking Ben hesitantly. "Do you... want to make peace with Jake?"

[Trillian]

"He doesn't deserve peace," Ben said automatically, their roles reversed for he was no longer paying attention. The sensation of the apology he'd felt second-hand through Kerr was long gone now and none of the excitement and fascination had stayed with him. He'd opened up Jake's file and had typed a lot of notes into it, but when the shower shut off he'd made a new document titled 'Mayor Figueroa' and was putting all of his thoughts and opinions into that.

After finishing his sentence, Ben snapped the laptop shut and put it aside onto his bedside table, plugging it in to charge. He could feel the oppressiveness of the sun and wasn't in the mood to train himself to fight it. He was tired and he wanted to rest.

Glancing at Kerr, he settled down beneath the covers. "He's only interested in keeping a tight circle of friends around him. Everybody else are his enemies."

It was a blanket statement and of course such grandiose declarations weren't true but Ben didn't care. It was true enough for him at this present moment.

[Existentially Odd]

"Okay," Kerr said mildly but he didn't think it actually was.

Long after they'd said their goodnights and the shutters had come down around the building, long after Ben had succumbed to the soporific effects of the sun, Kerr lay awake and thinking... until he was too exhausted by his own whirling thoughts to resist slumber any longer.