Central District Leader Jake McCloud Steps Down from Position to Become World’s First Vampiric Disco Ball
An Article by Nancy Flintierti
Taking advantage of the warm, sunny weather this Thursday, former Central District Leader Jake McCloud strips down to his skivvies to twirl on the steps of City Hall. His skin glimmers with all of the luster and glitz of a thousand tiny diamonds, casting fractal reflections of light dancing upon the ground. But why would such an illustrious District Leader step down from his post?
“It’s always been a lifelong dream of mine,” explains Jake McCloud, wearing only a holographic speedo and light-up jelly sandals. “It just finally felt like the right time, you know?” He positively glows with the enthusiasm of this revelation, beaming brightly as he continues to spin at dizzying speeds. Several people stop to gawk and applaud, offering petty jeers and pretty cheers.
“It was like something out of Twilight,” comments one starstruck eye-witness. “He was, like, totally sparkling in the sun. I’ve always had the biggest crush on Edward Cullen.”
“Yeah,” says another, “but I’m pretty sure it was just body glitter.”
